Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[cheers & applause]


Ladies and gentlemen.

Dave Chappelle!


Hey, hey.



Hey, little guy.


All right, thank you so much.

Ever see that, uh, commercial

where that guy, Calvin, gets

a job at a fast food restaurant?

Remember that commercial?

That guy Calvin would get a job

at a fast food restaurant

and they act like that's

the best thing that could happen

to a guy in the ghetto--

like the whole

neighborhood's excited,

like this is gonna end poverty.


"Calvin, you gettin'

this job is the signpost

to a new era

in the Black community.

Thank you,

fast food restaurant."

That's not what it's

like to work at a fast food--

people aren't proud of you.

Let's see what would happen

to Calvin

if he really had a job

in fast food.

[audience laughing]

Look at that,

Calvin's got a job.

Hey, Calvin.

Way to go, young blood,

way to go.

[announcer] WacArnold's is proud

to give young African Americans

an opportunity to serve

their communities,

making them feel responsible

for the welfare

of their own environment.

Afternoon, ladies.

Eww, nigga, you smell like

French fries.

♪ WacArnold's ♪

Well, see, hold up.

Now, that's just a week into it.

Let's see what happens

with Calvin,

like, three weeks into it.

Well, here you go, Calvin.

My first check.

Thank you, sir.

[announcer] WacArnold's is proud

to give young African Americans

an opportunity to serve

their communities,

making them feel responsible

for the welfare

of their own environment.

Look at that,

Calvin's got a job.

Hey, Calvin.

Hey, miss Harvey,

got my first paycheck.

That's good, Calvin, very good.

Way to go, young blood.

Gettin' paid, gettin' paid.

Ay, yo, I heard

Calvin got a job.

Man, I'm proud of him.

-Let's Rob that nigga, man.

-Yeah, son.

♪ WacArnold's ♪


Pretty rough.

Why don't we check in

with Calvin two months later?

[announcer] WacArnold's is proud

to give young African Americans

an opportunity to serve

their communities,

making them feel responsible

for the welfare of their own



Hey, where's miss Harvey?

Oh, she died, Calvin--

of high cholesterol.

Too much WacArnold's.

[audience groaning]

Damn, Calvin,

you look beat the hell up.

-What's up, fry guy?

-Punk bitch.

[audience laughing]

Corny-ass nigga.

Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line

between fries and shakes.

[audience laughing]

♪ The leanest burger

In the world ♪

♪ Could be the meanest

Burger in the world ♪

♪ If you cook it that way ♪

I need to stop smokin'

this shit, here, brother.

Hey, brought y'all home

some dinner from work.

Calvin, you can't keep feedin'

me and your baby hamburgers

and French fries

every goddamn night.

Well, what the hell

do you expect me to do?

Nigga, get a real job.

Bitch, WacArnold's has

given me an opportunity

to serve my community

and feel responsible

for the welfare

of my own environment.

Don't give me

that triflin'-ass bullshit!

I'm under a lot of pressure,

hey and whose gloves are these?


Who you fuckin', OJ?

What is this?

Calvin, you're always working.

Oh, you fuckin' Defari!

I seen that African leavin'

here when I was comin' in.

Well, shit, if you was

here a little bit more!

WacArnold's is tearing

this family apart!

You know Miss Harvey died.

Oh, man.

[Baby crying]

The baby.

The baby's crying.

See, and guess what?

The rib sandwich is comin'

back on Tuesday.

Guess who ain't gettin' one?


I don't eat pork, anyway.

You damn right

you don't eat pork

'cause I ain't givin' you none.

I ain't givin' you

no hamburgers, no apple pies.

I ain't givin' you shit!

Calvin got that all locked down.

If you want some WacArnold's,

you got to go through me.

You're cut off!

You're cut off!

I'm Calvin around here.

You know about me?

Everybody know I got a job.

All right, guys, we're gonna

take a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere,

we'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

[cheers & applause]

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow ♪

[cheers & applause]

Welcome back.

Welcome back, everybody.


Thanks, guys.

So, last season,

I had Paul Mooney

on the show do a segment

called "ask a Black dude."

And I asked him, I said,

"Paul, we gotta do that again

this year."

He said,

"oh, I can't do it, homie."

But I'll do you one better.

And he put me on

to the hottest psychic ever

in the history of the world.

So, please, America,

make some noise

for Paul Mooney as Negrodamus.



What's the meaning of life?

[woman] Who is my real father?

[woman 2]

Will I ever find a husband?

[man] Am I gonna get sick?

[man 1] Does God really exist?

[female announcer]

For centuries,

people have turned to one man

for the answer to life's great


That man is Negrodamus.

[audience laughing]

You, sir.


what mistakes did

Michael Jackson make

before he got arrested?

Michael Jackson...

Should have not been a singer.

Michael Jackson

should have been a priest.

Then he would've

just been transferred.

You, ma'am.


why is President Bush

so sure Iraq has weapons

of mass destruction?

Because he has the receipt.

Next question.

[cheers & applause]

[speaking Italian]

Rosie O'Donnell

shall have a sex change.

She will become a man

and marry Liza Minnelli's

husband and beat him.

[audience laughing]

Grazie, grazie mille, grazie.


Hi, Negrodamus.

What will happen

to Star Jones on the view?

Star Jones,

I'm getting something.

Star Jones will have two jobs.

First, she'll do the view.

Then she'll take her wig off

and do the weather.

Thank you, Negrodamus.

[female announcer]

For centuries,

people have turned to one man

for the answer

to life's great mysteries.

That man is Negrodamus.


That's right.

Y'all remember that comedian,


[audience] Yeah.

Pretty corny, right?

He is, he was a corny dude.

Well, the thing people don't

know about Gallagher--

I don't know if you know this

or not,

it might just be something

comedians know--

He had a twin brother.

Did you know that?

He sold his act

to his twin brother.

His twin brother goes on

the road as Gallagher two.

Not makin' that up.

Here's even a lesser-known fact.

His twin brother

sold the act to a Black guy

named Earl Wallingford.

And the Black dude went

out as Black Gallagher.

I have tape of his special.

It's ridiculous.

Where are the weapons

of mass destruction?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Osama bin Laden.

Why don't they call him,

"Osama been hiding."

Hope you like my outfit.

The queer guys came by

and had an eye for me.

Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons,

Green Clovers, Orange Stars?

That leprechaun's on acid.

He's crazy.

He's crazy.

He's crazy like me.

Are you ready to smash

some fruit?

Can't hear you.

Pee on US!

Yeah, you wanna smash

some fruit, yeah?

Smash some fruit,

you Black son of a bitch.

Well, Black Gallagher

doesn't go out like

no punk bitch with a mallet.

[gun shots]

Black Gallagher, bitch!

That's right!


I got warrants.


We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

But don't go anywhere,


We got more show coming up

right after this.

[cheers & applause]

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow ♪

Hey, gang.

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show .

Up top beside the sound,

it's good to see ya.


Man, this is crazy, man.

All right, last season,

we started the series off

with a sketch about

a black white supremacist.

Very controversial.


Yes, it was very...

It sparked this whole


about the appropriateness

of the...

The "N" word,

the dreaded "N" word.

Then when I would travel,

people would come up to me,

white people would

come up to me, like,

"man, that sketch you did

about them niggers, that was..."

[audience laughing]

Take it easy.

I was joking around.

You start to realize

these sketches,

in the wrong hands,

are dangerous.

You know, and that "N" word

is a doozie.

Especially for us Black folks.

You know, a lot of

different feelings come up

when they hear that word.

But I'm thinking, is it because

Black people actually identify

themselves as "N" words?

No, I don't know, maybe.

But what if we just

use the word for other people?

Would it be so bad?

I don't know.

So I made a sketch.

It's about a white family

whose last name happens

to be "Niggar", that's all.

Let's see how offensive

the word sounds now.

♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪

♪ It's the Niggar family ♪

♪ We all know

Who they are ♪

♪ Frank, Tim and Emily ♪

♪ Teaching Tim

How to ride a bike ♪

♪ These are the Niggars

That we like ♪

♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪

♪ It's the Niggar family ♪

♪ It's the Niggar family ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Breakfast is served.

Look, hon, my sister

just had another baby.

Look at this little

bundle of joy.

She's got those Niggar lips.

I know, so thin.

Is Tim still asleep?

[Emily] I think so.

He sure is one lazy Niggar.

Good morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.

Good morning.

You know, Tim, we're having

a dinner party tonight.

I trust you'll be here.

Oh, I can't.

I have my first big date

with Jenny Halstead.


Jenny has a date tonight

with the Niggar boy from school.

What? Oh, God, no!

No, Daddy, that's his name.

Timmy Niggar.

Oh, of course, that Niggar.

He's a very good athlete

and so well-spoken.

That family's going places.

I mean, we're rich.

They're Niggar rich.

Oh, Bill.

[Clifton] Mornin', Niggars!

Why, it's Clifton,

our colored milkman.

And this is my favorite family

to deliver milk to.

The Niggars!


Somethin' sho' smells good.

You Niggars cookin'?

We sure are.

There's some leftover

bacon if you'd like some.

Ooh, none for me.

I know better

than to get between

a Niggar and their pork.

Might get my fingers bit.


Here you go.

I, I hate to bother you

about this.

But, uh, well, you didn't

pay your bill last week.

And I know how forgetful

you Niggars are

when it comes to paying bills.

Golly, Clifton,

it slipped my mind.

Here you go.

Sorry about that.

Oh, Niggar, please.

Niggar, please!

Well, take care, Mr. "N" word.

I have a hot date

with the wife tonight.

All right, take care.

All right, peace, Niggar.

[audience laughing]


[man] Stevenson, party of four.

Uh, Stevenson, party of four.

Table five, please. Bon Appetit.

Niggar, party of two,

Niggar, party of two.

Lookie here, Jack!

Just because

we're colored, doesn't mean

we came out here

to be disrespected, okay?

Uh, we're the Niggar family.

Oh, hi, Clifton.

Oh, well, hello, little Niggar.

These are the Niggars

I was telling you about.

Are you the Niggar

that broke the bottle

over Ronnie's head

at the dice game?

No, not that Niggar.

The Niggar from work.

The milk route.

Oh, okay.

Have a nice meal.

I bet you'll get

the finest table

a Niggar's ever got

in this restaurant.


Ooh, whee!

Oh, lord, this racism

is killing me inside.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, honey, put your

dinner party face on.

[Frank] Hello.

Well, you must

be the Wetbacks.

It's Sanchez.

And don't call us wetbacks,


We find it offensive.

I'm just kidding,

we are the Wetbacks.


Wait'll we tell the Jews.

Oh, you're one crazy Niggar.

♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪

♪ It's the Niggar family ♪

♪ It's the Niggar family ♪


I'm Dave Chappelle.

You guys are the best audience

in the world.

I'd like to thank you all.

I'd like to thank everybody

at home.

And we'll see you next week!

[cheers & applause]

[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!

[horn honks]

Hi, thank you.

You know why a dog

licks his balls?

'Cause they're salty.

Black Gallagher!

Rich people stink!

They smell like someone's been

cooking Bologna in their shirt.

The sun is very far away

from the earth, people.

But I'm hot.