Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheers & applause]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dave Chappelle!
Whoa!
Hey, hey.
Wow.
Man.
Hey, little guy.
[applause]
All right, thank you so much.
Ever see that, uh, commercial
where that guy, Calvin, gets
a job at a fast food restaurant?
Remember that commercial?
That guy Calvin would get a job
at a fast food restaurant
and they act like that's
the best thing that could happen
to a guy in the ghetto--
like the whole
neighborhood's excited,
like this is gonna end poverty.
[Laughing]
"Calvin, you gettin'
this job is the signpost
to a new era
in the Black community.
Thank you,
fast food restaurant."
That's not what it's
like to work at a fast food--
people aren't proud of you.
Let's see what would happen
to Calvin
if he really had a job
in fast food.
[audience laughing]
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin.
Way to go, young blood,
way to go.
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Afternoon, ladies.
Eww, nigga, you smell like
French fries.
♪ WacArnold's ♪
Well, see, hold up.
Now, that's just a week into it.
Let's see what happens
with Calvin,
like, three weeks into it.
♪
Well, here you go, Calvin.
My first check.
Thank you, sir.
♪
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, miss Harvey,
got my first paycheck.
That's good, Calvin, very good.
Way to go, young blood.
Gettin' paid, gettin' paid.
Ay, yo, I heard
Calvin got a job.
Man, I'm proud of him.
-Let's Rob that nigga, man.
-Yeah, son.
♪ WacArnold's ♪
[applause]
Pretty rough.
Why don't we check in
with Calvin two months later?
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare of their own
environment.
[Calvin]
Hey, where's miss Harvey?
Oh, she died, Calvin--
of high cholesterol.
Too much WacArnold's.
[audience groaning]
Damn, Calvin,
you look beat the hell up.
-What's up, fry guy?
-Punk bitch.
[audience laughing]
Corny-ass nigga.
Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line
between fries and shakes.
[audience laughing]
♪ The leanest burger
In the world ♪
♪ Could be the meanest
Burger in the world ♪
♪ If you cook it that way ♪
I need to stop smokin'
this shit, here, brother.
Hey, brought y'all home
some dinner from work.
Calvin, you can't keep feedin'
me and your baby hamburgers
and French fries
every goddamn night.
Well, what the hell
do you expect me to do?
Nigga, get a real job.
Bitch, WacArnold's has
given me an opportunity
to serve my community
and feel responsible
for the welfare
of my own environment.
Don't give me
that triflin'-ass bullshit!
I'm under a lot of pressure,
hey and whose gloves are these?
Huh?
Who you fuckin', OJ?
What is this?
Calvin, you're always working.
Oh, you fuckin' Defari!
I seen that African leavin'
here when I was comin' in.
Well, shit, if you was
here a little bit more!
WacArnold's is tearing
this family apart!
You know Miss Harvey died.
Oh, man.
[Baby crying]
The baby.
The baby's crying.
See, and guess what?
The rib sandwich is comin'
back on Tuesday.
Guess who ain't gettin' one?
[woman]
I don't eat pork, anyway.
You damn right
you don't eat pork
'cause I ain't givin' you none.
I ain't givin' you
no hamburgers, no apple pies.
I ain't givin' you shit!
Calvin got that all locked down.
If you want some WacArnold's,
you got to go through me.
You're cut off!
You're cut off!
I'm Calvin around here.
You know about me?
Everybody know I got a job.
All right, guys, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
[cheers & applause]
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
[cheers & applause]
Welcome back.
Welcome back, everybody.
Uh...
Thanks, guys.
So, last season,
I had Paul Mooney
on the show do a segment
called "ask a Black dude."
And I asked him, I said,
"Paul, we gotta do that again
this year."
He said,
"oh, I can't do it, homie."
But I'll do you one better.
And he put me on
to the hottest psychic ever
in the history of the world.
So, please, America,
make some noise
for Paul Mooney as Negrodamus.
[applause]
[man]
What's the meaning of life?
[woman] Who is my real father?
[woman 2]
Will I ever find a husband?
[man] Am I gonna get sick?
[man 1] Does God really exist?
[female announcer]
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's great
mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
[audience laughing]
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
what mistakes did
Michael Jackson make
before he got arrested?
Michael Jackson...
Should have not been a singer.
Michael Jackson
should have been a priest.
Then he would've
just been transferred.
You, ma'am.
Negrodamus,
why is President Bush
so sure Iraq has weapons
of mass destruction?
Because he has the receipt.
Next question.
[cheers & applause]
[speaking Italian]
Rosie O'Donnell
shall have a sex change.
She will become a man
and marry Liza Minnelli's
husband and beat him.
[audience laughing]
Grazie, grazie mille, grazie.
Next.
Hi, Negrodamus.
What will happen
to Star Jones on the view?
Star Jones,
I'm getting something.
Star Jones will have two jobs.
First, she'll do the view.
Then she'll take her wig off
and do the weather.
Thank you, Negrodamus.
[female announcer]
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer
to life's great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
[applause]
That's right.
Y'all remember that comedian,
Gallagher?
[audience] Yeah.
Pretty corny, right?
He is, he was a corny dude.
Well, the thing people don't
know about Gallagher--
I don't know if you know this
or not,
it might just be something
comedians know--
He had a twin brother.
Did you know that?
He sold his act
to his twin brother.
His twin brother goes on
the road as Gallagher two.
Not makin' that up.
Here's even a lesser-known fact.
His twin brother
sold the act to a Black guy
named Earl Wallingford.
And the Black dude went
out as Black Gallagher.
I have tape of his special.
It's ridiculous.
Where are the weapons
of mass destruction?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Osama bin Laden.
Why don't they call him,
"Osama been hiding."
Hope you like my outfit.
The queer guys came by
and had an eye for me.
Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons,
Green Clovers, Orange Stars?
That leprechaun's on acid.
He's crazy.
He's crazy.
He's crazy like me.
Are you ready to smash
some fruit?
Can't hear you.
Pee on US!
Yeah, you wanna smash
some fruit, yeah?
Smash some fruit,
you Black son of a bitch.
Well, Black Gallagher
doesn't go out like
no punk bitch with a mallet.
[gun shots]
Black Gallagher, bitch!
That's right!
[screaming]
I got warrants.
[applause]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go anywhere,
everybody.
We got more show coming up
right after this.
[cheers & applause]
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
Hey, gang.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show .
Up top beside the sound,
it's good to see ya.
[applause]
Man, this is crazy, man.
All right, last season,
we started the series off
with a sketch about
a black white supremacist.
Very controversial.
[applause]
Yes, it was very...
It sparked this whole
controversy
about the appropriateness
of the...
The "N" word,
the dreaded "N" word.
Then when I would travel,
people would come up to me,
white people would
come up to me, like,
"man, that sketch you did
about them niggers, that was..."
[audience laughing]
Take it easy.
I was joking around.
You start to realize
these sketches,
in the wrong hands,
are dangerous.
You know, and that "N" word
is a doozie.
Especially for us Black folks.
You know, a lot of
different feelings come up
when they hear that word.
But I'm thinking, is it because
Black people actually identify
themselves as "N" words?
No, I don't know, maybe.
But what if we just
use the word for other people?
Would it be so bad?
I don't know.
So I made a sketch.
It's about a white family
whose last name happens
to be "Niggar", that's all.
Let's see how offensive
the word sounds now.
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ We all know
Who they are ♪
♪ Frank, Tim and Emily ♪
♪ Teaching Tim
How to ride a bike ♪
♪ These are the Niggars
That we like ♪
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪
Breakfast is served.
Look, hon, my sister
just had another baby.
Look at this little
bundle of joy.
She's got those Niggar lips.
I know, so thin.
Is Tim still asleep?
[Emily] I think so.
He sure is one lazy Niggar.
Good morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.
Good morning.
You know, Tim, we're having
a dinner party tonight.
I trust you'll be here.
Oh, I can't.
I have my first big date
with Jenny Halstead.
Oh.
Jenny has a date tonight
with the Niggar boy from school.
What? Oh, God, no!
No, Daddy, that's his name.
Timmy Niggar.
Oh, of course, that Niggar.
He's a very good athlete
and so well-spoken.
That family's going places.
I mean, we're rich.
They're Niggar rich.
Oh, Bill.
[Clifton] Mornin', Niggars!
Why, it's Clifton,
our colored milkman.
And this is my favorite family
to deliver milk to.
The Niggars!
Mmm-mm!
Somethin' sho' smells good.
You Niggars cookin'?
We sure are.
There's some leftover
bacon if you'd like some.
Ooh, none for me.
I know better
than to get between
a Niggar and their pork.
Might get my fingers bit.
[laughing]
Here you go.
I, I hate to bother you
about this.
But, uh, well, you didn't
pay your bill last week.
And I know how forgetful
you Niggars are
when it comes to paying bills.
Golly, Clifton,
it slipped my mind.
Here you go.
Sorry about that.
Oh, Niggar, please.
Niggar, please!
Well, take care, Mr. "N" word.
I have a hot date
with the wife tonight.
All right, take care.
All right, peace, Niggar.
[audience laughing]
Niggars!
♪
[man] Stevenson, party of four.
Uh, Stevenson, party of four.
Table five, please. Bon Appetit.
Niggar, party of two,
Niggar, party of two.
Lookie here, Jack!
Just because
we're colored, doesn't mean
we came out here
to be disrespected, okay?
Uh, we're the Niggar family.
Oh, hi, Clifton.
Oh, well, hello, little Niggar.
These are the Niggars
I was telling you about.
Are you the Niggar
that broke the bottle
over Ronnie's head
at the dice game?
No, not that Niggar.
The Niggar from work.
The milk route.
Oh, okay.
Have a nice meal.
I bet you'll get
the finest table
a Niggar's ever got
in this restaurant.
[laughing]
Ooh, whee!
Oh, lord, this racism
is killing me inside.
[doorbell ringing]
Well, honey, put your
dinner party face on.
[Frank] Hello.
Well, you must
be the Wetbacks.
It's Sanchez.
And don't call us wetbacks,
Niggar.
We find it offensive.
I'm just kidding,
we are the Wetbacks.
[laughing]
Wait'll we tell the Jews.
Oh, you're one crazy Niggar.
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
Niggars!
♪
I'm Dave Chappelle.
You guys are the best audience
in the world.
I'd like to thank you all.
I'd like to thank everybody
at home.
And we'll see you next week!
[cheers & applause]
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you.
You know why a dog
licks his balls?
'Cause they're salty.
Black Gallagher!
Rich people stink!
They smell like someone's been
cooking Bologna in their shirt.
The sun is very far away
from the earth, people.
But I'm hot.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheers & applause]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen.
Dave Chappelle!
Whoa!
Hey, hey.
Wow.
Man.
Hey, little guy.
[applause]
All right, thank you so much.
Ever see that, uh, commercial
where that guy, Calvin, gets
a job at a fast food restaurant?
Remember that commercial?
That guy Calvin would get a job
at a fast food restaurant
and they act like that's
the best thing that could happen
to a guy in the ghetto--
like the whole
neighborhood's excited,
like this is gonna end poverty.
[Laughing]
"Calvin, you gettin'
this job is the signpost
to a new era
in the Black community.
Thank you,
fast food restaurant."
That's not what it's
like to work at a fast food--
people aren't proud of you.
Let's see what would happen
to Calvin
if he really had a job
in fast food.
[audience laughing]
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin.
Way to go, young blood,
way to go.
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Afternoon, ladies.
Eww, nigga, you smell like
French fries.
♪ WacArnold's ♪
Well, see, hold up.
Now, that's just a week into it.
Let's see what happens
with Calvin,
like, three weeks into it.
♪
Well, here you go, Calvin.
My first check.
Thank you, sir.
♪
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare
of their own environment.
Look at that,
Calvin's got a job.
Hey, Calvin.
Hey, miss Harvey,
got my first paycheck.
That's good, Calvin, very good.
Way to go, young blood.
Gettin' paid, gettin' paid.
Ay, yo, I heard
Calvin got a job.
Man, I'm proud of him.
-Let's Rob that nigga, man.
-Yeah, son.
♪ WacArnold's ♪
[applause]
Pretty rough.
Why don't we check in
with Calvin two months later?
[announcer] WacArnold's is proud
to give young African Americans
an opportunity to serve
their communities,
making them feel responsible
for the welfare of their own
environment.
[Calvin]
Hey, where's miss Harvey?
Oh, she died, Calvin--
of high cholesterol.
Too much WacArnold's.
[audience groaning]
Damn, Calvin,
you look beat the hell up.
-What's up, fry guy?
-Punk bitch.
[audience laughing]
Corny-ass nigga.
Yo, Calvin, it's a thin line
between fries and shakes.
[audience laughing]
♪ The leanest burger
In the world ♪
♪ Could be the meanest
Burger in the world ♪
♪ If you cook it that way ♪
I need to stop smokin'
this shit, here, brother.
Hey, brought y'all home
some dinner from work.
Calvin, you can't keep feedin'
me and your baby hamburgers
and French fries
every goddamn night.
Well, what the hell
do you expect me to do?
Nigga, get a real job.
Bitch, WacArnold's has
given me an opportunity
to serve my community
and feel responsible
for the welfare
of my own environment.
Don't give me
that triflin'-ass bullshit!
I'm under a lot of pressure,
hey and whose gloves are these?
Huh?
Who you fuckin', OJ?
What is this?
Calvin, you're always working.
Oh, you fuckin' Defari!
I seen that African leavin'
here when I was comin' in.
Well, shit, if you was
here a little bit more!
WacArnold's is tearing
this family apart!
You know Miss Harvey died.
Oh, man.
[Baby crying]
The baby.
The baby's crying.
See, and guess what?
The rib sandwich is comin'
back on Tuesday.
Guess who ain't gettin' one?
[woman]
I don't eat pork, anyway.
You damn right
you don't eat pork
'cause I ain't givin' you none.
I ain't givin' you
no hamburgers, no apple pies.
I ain't givin' you shit!
Calvin got that all locked down.
If you want some WacArnold's,
you got to go through me.
You're cut off!
You're cut off!
I'm Calvin around here.
You know about me?
Everybody know I got a job.
All right, guys, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
[cheers & applause]
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
[cheers & applause]
Welcome back.
Welcome back, everybody.
Uh...
Thanks, guys.
So, last season,
I had Paul Mooney
on the show do a segment
called "ask a Black dude."
And I asked him, I said,
"Paul, we gotta do that again
this year."
He said,
"oh, I can't do it, homie."
But I'll do you one better.
And he put me on
to the hottest psychic ever
in the history of the world.
So, please, America,
make some noise
for Paul Mooney as Negrodamus.
[applause]
[man]
What's the meaning of life?
[woman] Who is my real father?
[woman 2]
Will I ever find a husband?
[man] Am I gonna get sick?
[man 1] Does God really exist?
[female announcer]
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's great
mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
[audience laughing]
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
what mistakes did
Michael Jackson make
before he got arrested?
Michael Jackson...
Should have not been a singer.
Michael Jackson
should have been a priest.
Then he would've
just been transferred.
You, ma'am.
Negrodamus,
why is President Bush
so sure Iraq has weapons
of mass destruction?
Because he has the receipt.
Next question.
[cheers & applause]
[speaking Italian]
Rosie O'Donnell
shall have a sex change.
She will become a man
and marry Liza Minnelli's
husband and beat him.
[audience laughing]
Grazie, grazie mille, grazie.
Next.
Hi, Negrodamus.
What will happen
to Star Jones on the view?
Star Jones,
I'm getting something.
Star Jones will have two jobs.
First, she'll do the view.
Then she'll take her wig off
and do the weather.
Thank you, Negrodamus.
[female announcer]
For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer
to life's great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
[applause]
That's right.
Y'all remember that comedian,
Gallagher?
[audience] Yeah.
Pretty corny, right?
He is, he was a corny dude.
Well, the thing people don't
know about Gallagher--
I don't know if you know this
or not,
it might just be something
comedians know--
He had a twin brother.
Did you know that?
He sold his act
to his twin brother.
His twin brother goes on
the road as Gallagher two.
Not makin' that up.
Here's even a lesser-known fact.
His twin brother
sold the act to a Black guy
named Earl Wallingford.
And the Black dude went
out as Black Gallagher.
I have tape of his special.
It's ridiculous.
Where are the weapons
of mass destruction?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Osama bin Laden.
Why don't they call him,
"Osama been hiding."
Hope you like my outfit.
The queer guys came by
and had an eye for me.
Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons,
Green Clovers, Orange Stars?
That leprechaun's on acid.
He's crazy.
He's crazy.
He's crazy like me.
Are you ready to smash
some fruit?
Can't hear you.
Pee on US!
Yeah, you wanna smash
some fruit, yeah?
Smash some fruit,
you Black son of a bitch.
Well, Black Gallagher
doesn't go out like
no punk bitch with a mallet.
[gun shots]
Black Gallagher, bitch!
That's right!
[screaming]
I got warrants.
[applause]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But don't go anywhere,
everybody.
We got more show coming up
right after this.
[cheers & applause]
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
Hey, gang.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show .
Up top beside the sound,
it's good to see ya.
[applause]
Man, this is crazy, man.
All right, last season,
we started the series off
with a sketch about
a black white supremacist.
Very controversial.
[applause]
Yes, it was very...
It sparked this whole
controversy
about the appropriateness
of the...
The "N" word,
the dreaded "N" word.
Then when I would travel,
people would come up to me,
white people would
come up to me, like,
"man, that sketch you did
about them niggers, that was..."
[audience laughing]
Take it easy.
I was joking around.
You start to realize
these sketches,
in the wrong hands,
are dangerous.
You know, and that "N" word
is a doozie.
Especially for us Black folks.
You know, a lot of
different feelings come up
when they hear that word.
But I'm thinking, is it because
Black people actually identify
themselves as "N" words?
No, I don't know, maybe.
But what if we just
use the word for other people?
Would it be so bad?
I don't know.
So I made a sketch.
It's about a white family
whose last name happens
to be "Niggar", that's all.
Let's see how offensive
the word sounds now.
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ We all know
Who they are ♪
♪ Frank, Tim and Emily ♪
♪ Teaching Tim
How to ride a bike ♪
♪ These are the Niggars
That we like ♪
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪
Breakfast is served.
Look, hon, my sister
just had another baby.
Look at this little
bundle of joy.
She's got those Niggar lips.
I know, so thin.
Is Tim still asleep?
[Emily] I think so.
He sure is one lazy Niggar.
Good morning, Mom. Morning, Dad.
Good morning.
You know, Tim, we're having
a dinner party tonight.
I trust you'll be here.
Oh, I can't.
I have my first big date
with Jenny Halstead.
Oh.
Jenny has a date tonight
with the Niggar boy from school.
What? Oh, God, no!
No, Daddy, that's his name.
Timmy Niggar.
Oh, of course, that Niggar.
He's a very good athlete
and so well-spoken.
That family's going places.
I mean, we're rich.
They're Niggar rich.
Oh, Bill.
[Clifton] Mornin', Niggars!
Why, it's Clifton,
our colored milkman.
And this is my favorite family
to deliver milk to.
The Niggars!
Mmm-mm!
Somethin' sho' smells good.
You Niggars cookin'?
We sure are.
There's some leftover
bacon if you'd like some.
Ooh, none for me.
I know better
than to get between
a Niggar and their pork.
Might get my fingers bit.
[laughing]
Here you go.
I, I hate to bother you
about this.
But, uh, well, you didn't
pay your bill last week.
And I know how forgetful
you Niggars are
when it comes to paying bills.
Golly, Clifton,
it slipped my mind.
Here you go.
Sorry about that.
Oh, Niggar, please.
Niggar, please!
Well, take care, Mr. "N" word.
I have a hot date
with the wife tonight.
All right, take care.
All right, peace, Niggar.
[audience laughing]
Niggars!
♪
[man] Stevenson, party of four.
Uh, Stevenson, party of four.
Table five, please. Bon Appetit.
Niggar, party of two,
Niggar, party of two.
Lookie here, Jack!
Just because
we're colored, doesn't mean
we came out here
to be disrespected, okay?
Uh, we're the Niggar family.
Oh, hi, Clifton.
Oh, well, hello, little Niggar.
These are the Niggars
I was telling you about.
Are you the Niggar
that broke the bottle
over Ronnie's head
at the dice game?
No, not that Niggar.
The Niggar from work.
The milk route.
Oh, okay.
Have a nice meal.
I bet you'll get
the finest table
a Niggar's ever got
in this restaurant.
[laughing]
Ooh, whee!
Oh, lord, this racism
is killing me inside.
[doorbell ringing]
Well, honey, put your
dinner party face on.
[Frank] Hello.
Well, you must
be the Wetbacks.
It's Sanchez.
And don't call us wetbacks,
Niggar.
We find it offensive.
I'm just kidding,
we are the Wetbacks.
[laughing]
Wait'll we tell the Jews.
Oh, you're one crazy Niggar.
♪ N-I-G, G-A-R ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
♪ It's the Niggar family ♪
Niggars!
♪
I'm Dave Chappelle.
You guys are the best audience
in the world.
I'd like to thank you all.
I'd like to thank everybody
at home.
And we'll see you next week!
[cheers & applause]
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you.
You know why a dog
licks his balls?
'Cause they're salty.
Black Gallagher!
Rich people stink!
They smell like someone's been
cooking Bologna in their shirt.
The sun is very far away
from the earth, people.
But I'm hot.