Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 10 - Episode #2.10 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[cheers and applause]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,

Dave Chappelle!


Thank you all.

Thank you, folks.

Tonight you tuned in

on a very special night.

You know, now that the show

is becoming successful,

people are writing

about it in the papers,

the only thing more spectacular

than our success

is our failures.

Tonight I will show you

some of the craziest things

we have tried to get away with

and didn't succeed.


[Dave chuckles]

These are all sketches

we actually went out,

we shot the sketches--

I didn't make this idea up.

This is a crazy, uh...

Well, you'll see

as we go along.

But this is the good thing

about black people.

We are just the best at taking

lemons and making lemonade.

This is a skill that

black people have been endowed.

They gave us

the worst part of pigs,

we said we're gonna

call 'em chitlins,

put some hot sauce

on the nigga,

and we will like 'em,

we will like them!

We'll eat the snout,

if we have to.

If we have to,

I will eat the snout.

Tonight we are gonna

eat all snout.

This whole episode

is just straight up snout.

[audience laughing]

[Dave chuckles]

Now this first sketch

had our first celebrity cameo

The Chappelle Show ever had

that nobody ever saw.

It was a

very good cameo.

Why don't you show 'em

the beginning.


Welcome back.

Today, of course,

we are dealing with kids

who are b-a-d, bad.

Do you see, Sally?

This is what

I have to deal with.

Ronald is just out of control.

So trifling.

Aw, ma, shut up.


Alright, it's time

to straighten you up.

Guess where you are going.

Boot camp.

Yeah, boot camp.

That's right.

With the hardest

CO you have ever met.

This is where the sketch

goes completely wrong.

That's right,

Nelson Mandela.

[whistle blowing]

Alright, children,

shut your mouth.

All of you kids disgust me.

Notice how shitty

the wig is.

Not only do I not look

anything like Nelson Mandela,

but the sketch just gets

progressively crazier.

Mandela proceeds to just

beat the hell out of these kids

for the next, like, eight

to nine minutes, alright?

He's just berating 'em

and beating 'em.

Here, just show them some

of the beat-downs.

This is the full Nelson.

Bitch, it's a pun.


Cry "Freedom."

Cry "The Beloved Country."

If I wanted to be mean,

I would tell this kid

how fat he is, huh?

I would tell him that I would

squeeze his breasts together

and make love to his bosom,

if I wanted to.

Pretty bad, huh?

Well, it gets

weirder than that.

Do you think Mandela

doesn't know what this is?

Do you think

Mandela doesn't know

what's popping on the streets?

[All] ♪ In the jungle

The mighty jungle ♪

Yo, I'm not sure,

but I think Mr. Mandela

smoked my drugs.

[All] ♪ A-whee ♪

♪ Whee-o-whee-o

Whee-o-wumbawe ♪

♪ A-whee ♪

♪ Whee-o-whee-o

Whee-o-wumbawe ♪

[cheers and applause]

Pretty bad, huh?

Alright, now here's

another stinker.

This one

was supposed to be

like The Def Poetry Jam .


It was called--

It was a funny premise--

It was called

The Def Comedy Poetry Jam,

where we basically have people

I knew from Def Comedy Jam

come and do, like,

the corniest joke premises

in poetry style.

It's kind of hard to explain,

but it was funny.

Like, Mos Def came out,

act a fool.

Go ahead and show them

the beginning.


Are you ready for some

poetry, motherfuckers?


Mm, mm, uh!

Alright, so then

Shucky Ducky comes out

and Hamburg and all

these guys come out

and do Hacky black poems.

And I even did one myself,

which is pretty hilarious,

I'll show it to you

in its entirety.

Here's the one I did.


White people do this.

Black people--

black people do that.

[audience laughing]

When White people's

power goes off they panic.

When black people's

power goes off they plan it.

We'll take a quick

commercial break,

but don't go anywhere.

We have more of our greatest

misses coming up.


Hey, gang, welcome back.

Now, let's see,

how can I describe this sketch?

It was a Frontline piece,

much like we did

the Clayton Bigsby piece,

we wrote this one when they had

opened the first public school

for all-gay students,

and we were like, okay,

America's freaking out now,

like, about the gay thing, like,

so we thought

what if it was, like,

so segregated that there

became two Americas.

It was a Gay America

and a Straight America.

And that was the premise

of the sketch.

Cities like San Francisco

even offer special

municipal services,

like this gay department

of motor vehicles.

Honey, with those

cheekbones, you're a natural!

Now, just stand there.

That's right.

Put your head back

a little bit.

Let's get that

great big smile.

Let's see those

pearly whites.

Hold it, hold it.

[camera shutter clicking]


Your license plate is so ready.

[audience laughing]


It was funny.

I mean, we were just

messing around.

You know,

just having fun.


But it gets worse, like,

we keep going on like this.

Okay, so there's a gay DMV,

what else can we just make,

like, a gay version of?

And then we just went

to town with, like,

the gay versions of things.

For instance...

Every aspect of American life

is being affected

by the culture.

There are gay butchers.

Gay landscapers.

♪ Ass, titties,

Ass and titties ♪

♪ Ass, ass,

Titties, titties ♪


Just for fun,

can we see that guy again?

That shit was very funny to me.

♪ Ass, titties,

Ass and titties ♪

♪ Ass ass,

Titties, titties-- ♪

Here's where we start

spinning out of control.

Alright, this next one

was offensive,

not only to gay people

but black people.

And if you're

a gay black person

then you'll get doubly mad,

but it was all

in the spirit of fun.

I thought--

I still think it's funny.

Alright, go ahead

and show the clip.

Here in Hartsfield, Alabama,


they have started a gay chapter

of the Ku Klux Klan.

Oh, it's hot

like the dickens.

As I was saying at brunch,

and we hate, too, okay?

But we do it a special way.

We do it with compassion.

Good morning,

I'm with the K.K.K.

We had a meeting

and we were talking

and we'd be more comfortable

if you guys

left the neighborhood.

Have you considered

going back to Africa?


Now, this next piece

was the piece that started

the whole she-bang-a-bang.

This was the first premise

that led

to this Gay America sketch.

This actually

was Charlie Murphy's idea.

He called and was like

"I got this funny idea

for a sketch, man."

And he told me, he told Neal,

and we just ran with it.

This is the most


spectacious monumental event

in the history of the world.

Professional boxing

with all-gay fighters.

I call it

"Friday Night Sissy Fights"

and it's on

none other than HBO.

On my right,

"The Bathhouse Brawler",

none other than

sweet puss Rogers.

Look at that footwork.

His dad was a schoolgirl.

Man, he's gay.

And to my left,

"The Tyrannical Tea-Bagger"

none other than Reggie Blazer.

He's weighing himself in

as we speak.

Uh-uh, uh-uh,

this scale is broke.

Cheetah, didn't I tell you

to fix this scale.

And what you looking at

with your ashy-ass lips?

Whatever, fat-ass.

I love it!


On that note, we're actually

gonna take a commercial break,

but don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back with more

of our greatest misses.

Man, I'm bored

I got to go to

The Chappelle Show.


welcome back, welcome back.


This next one might be

my favorite failure of all time.

Now, last season

we did this sketch called

"The player hater's ball."

Wasn't our

most popular sketch,

but it was just

one of my favorites.

It was just very silly.

So we said let's bring 'em back,

but let's try

to do something different.

Up the ante a little bit.

So it starts out

that the player haters

are having a science fair.


go ahead, go ahead.

Furthermore, my wave machine

can create enough energy

to power most

medium-sized homes with ease.

Thank you, bitches.

When you said wave machine,

I thought you was talking

about something that could

repair that catastrophe

you call a hairstyle.

Buck Nasty, you are so dark

when you touch yourself,

it's like black-on-black crime.



so, so far so good.

It has all the elements

of the old sketch that we loved.

There's Jheri Curl juice

snapping, going back and forth.

Alright, here's where it

starts getting a little weird.

[gong ringing]


I brought to you, bitches,

my great invention yet.

The time machine.

[gong ringing]

-So now the premise

is that they travel through time

and hate on people.

Now, that's--

that's not a bad premise,

but somehow

it just didn't come

together right.

Let's see what happens.

First, they go back

and I think they fuck up Hitler.

[slow distorted voices]

Hitler momma got one

big titty and one little titty,

and they call the bitch

Biggie Smalls.

Alright, so the crowd's

still kind of with us.

And now we take

'em to the 1840s.

Let's see how that hate

works out.

Good God!



Slavery, if you will.

These men here

work for the minimumest

of wages,

grits and tattered clothes.

Lookey here, man.

Them lames ain't even

got no shoes on, Jack.

I could never

go out like that.

Buck Nasty,

have some respect.

One of these men could be

your great-granddaddy.

[audience laughing]


Alright, Charlie

was definitely funny,

'cause every time

we do Buck Nasty, right,

like, he'll be sittin' in

the back of the time machine

and as soon as they say,

"Okay, roll sound,"

Charlie'd get

to shaking like this.

He'd start...

Alright, just

show 'em, like--

Just give 'em an example of

what it's like to shoot this.

From doctors?


Alright, ready?

Roll sound.

[audience laughing]

It was killing me.

Alright, but I'm

getting off the point now.

Let's keep going.

Now, so the now time haters,

they're in slavery times, right?

And stuff is still kind of going

good in the sketch.

Okay, okay,

keep, just, keep--

let it play out.

Let's see

what's happening.

Uh-oh, fellas,

looks as though we have company.

And what the hell are you

niggras doin' out here?

We are the time haters.

We traveled all the way

back through time...

To call you a cracker.

You better

watch your mouth.

Actually, you better

watch your mouth, White boy,

before I put these gators

up your ass

and show your insides

some style.

That's enough!

I can't be no slave, Silky.

Oh, Good God.

Look, Silky,

he done pulled out a whip.

Nice whip.

This here is a pistol.

Reach for the sky, honky.


Honky is a racial epithet

used for White people.

Was made popular by

a man named George Jefferson

in the 1970s.

You see,

he and his wife, Weezy,

had a dry cleaning business,

so they moved on up

to the east side,

to a deluxe apartment

in the sky.

They finally got

a piece of the pie.

Convoluted story, I'll admit,

but the point is this,

that in the future,

all black people will be free.

In a second, alright,

this is what stopped

the whole show.

This stopped--

I mean, literally,

the whole episode came

to a screeching halt right here.

As a matter of fact,

I can predict this episode

coming to a screeching halt

right now.

But I'll show it.

When's we gonna be free?

That is a good question,

my man.

How about now-ish?










shooting a slave master

isn't funny to anybody

but me and Neal.

If I could,

I'd do it every episode.

So that was that one.

Now, this next one,

the premise, again,

funny premise,

it's about a dating service

where you tell 'em what

kind of girls you like,

and they'll send dudes to just

go out to malls and stuff

and holler at bitches for you.



not so bad, right?

Go ahead,

just show 'em the set up.

In a matter of seconds,

we'll beam your information

to one of our skilled

field technicians.

Hey, hey, hey.

Can I holler?

Can I holler at you?

Can I holler, holler, holler,

holler, holler, holler

holler, holler, holler, holler,

holler, holler at you?

What's wrong with ya?

That dude

is hilarious to us.

His name's Anthony Barry,

and, I mean,

everything he says is funny.

And in the course

of shooting this sketch,

we figured out

he could do this.

So we were like,

"just do that."

And we just filmed

him doing it.

This is what he did that had us

cracking up in editing.

Holler, holler, holler...

Holler, holler, holler...

Holler, holler, holler, holler,

holler, holler...

Holler, holler, holler...

Let me holler at you.

Let me holler at you, let me

holler at you.

Holler, holler, holler, holler,

holler, holler...

Holler, holler, holler, holler,

holler, holler...

Holler, holler, holler...


I'm hollerin' at you, bitch.

Don't you hear me?

Bitch, let me holler.

Holler, holler, holler...

I'd like to thank

each and every one of y'all

for being here.

I'd like to thank

you at home for watching.

I'll see you next week.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

I'm rich, bitch.

[horn honking]

Hi, thank you.

Like BET, the network

will also air sitcoms

such as "Gay Sanford and Son."

I gave that money

back to the church.

It was the right thing

to do.

Lamont, you big,

gay dummy.

Oh, gay pop.

Come on, gay Julio.

Adios, Mr. Sanford.

This is the big, gay one.

Why they dick so small?