Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Dave shocks his viewers with laughter with his sketches: "Ask a Black Dude" with Paul Mooney and "Great Moments in Hookup History".

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.




Yeah, yeah.

Let's start
the show.

Dave Chappelle!

(cheers & applause)

Hey, man.


Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.

I can't believe I'm still
on the air,

this is incredible.

But I've been having fun
since the show came out, man.

I've been going out to, like,
parties and stuff,

feeling like a big shot.

And I was out at a club,
I don't know if y'all knew this,

did y'all know that Jay-Z
has a vodka out now?

Yeah, Armadale.

what's it called?


for shizzle.


I didn't know that, man.

These rappers is getting
off the hook with it.

These guys are really
the new entrepreneurs, man.

They got clothes,
they got vodkas.

And then I stayed
home the other day,

and you know, when you at home,

you see commercials
you don't see in the daytime

that you might see in
the nighttime?

You're not going to
believe some of the commercials

these guys got.

I got 'em, I tape 'em,
here goes one right here.

Hey, what's the matter?

Pam, do you you have
anything sanitary?

I'm all out
and my flow is heavy.

Do I?

Girl, I got something
that'll keep your flow


Motherfucking tiz-ight?

What's up, ladies?
My name is Damon Dash,

the CEO of Roc-A-Fella

and Roc-A-Fella's about
to get all up in that ass...

with Roca-pads.

is 30% more absorbent

than the leading brand.

So if your period is droppin',
then, we catch it,

y'know what I mean?

It's the Roc,

You feeling
fresh now?

Ooh, for shizzle,
my bizzle.

What are you doing?


(dash) So, if your bum is
leakin', you need to be seekin'...


It's the Roc.

(cheers & applause)

It's incredible...
it's incredible, man.

I mean, these dudes are
into everything.

Now, you think that
that's the worst of it?

Check this one out.

No, I'm serious,


It's real shitty
down here.

Oh, my... it's Redman.

Hey, hey, where do you
get these stains from

with your stinkin' ass?!

It's just so hard
to keep my toilet white.

Well, baby, that's why I got
the new toilet freshener.

My shit
is da bomb, bitch.

I'm telling you!

well, how does it work?

Well, the motherfucker
works, like,

spray it in the toilet,

and the enzymes and shit
collaborate together,

and make some kind of mixture

and get all that shit,
you got celery and lima beans

and corn and chicken bones
and shit in here.

It was yummy going down.

You need something,
why not call on your man?


Redman Potty Fresh,

the only toilet bowl cleaner
with enzymes and shit

that collaborate together
to make some kind of mixture

that gets your toilet bowl
sparkling white.

You got those
awful stains out.

Flush the toilet with
your pancake ass, bitch!

Oops, sorry.

(Redman) Hey, Redman Toilet
Freshener, I'll get the brown out.


I don't know if you guys watch
those old NFL films.

They inspire me.

And I think they should
also honor regular people

the same way that they honor
these warriors of football.

I want to honor the people

who get booty under
tremendous circumstances.

So, right now I present

"Great Moments
In Hook-Up History."

At the Areola 54 Bar and Grill,

during the cold November
of 1999,

23-year-old Martin Johnson
had but one thing on his mind:

A piece of ass.

That was
a big night for me.

I'd been on an eight-week
losing streak, man.

I needed to pull out
a win and I needed it then.

I don't think so.

After a night
he chalked up to bad calls,

with time running out,

Johnson had one last
fleeting stab at glory.

(woman) Bartender, I
would like another drink.

Ashley Evans,

affectionately known throughout
the league as "Smashly" Evans,

was putting
the finishing touches

on a "newly single" party
with her friends...

And I would like a man.

When the bartender
took away her keys...

Can anybody take this drunk,
horny, crazy woman home?

At that moment, Johnson
heard the eminent whistle

from the train of destiny.

(train whistle)

As the pass went up,
Johnson sprung into action.

It was Jimmy Mackey's 9th
interception of the year,

living up to his reputation

as one of the bad boys
of the league.

Johnson was crushed.

But they say perseverance
is the hallmark of a champion,

and Martin Johnson had it
in spades.

After a night of bad calls,

Johnson finally got a penalty
in his favor.

employed a trick play,

one he hadn't used since
his high school days.

Hey, hey,
you forgot your scarf.

But it wasn't her scarf.

Young Ashley didn't even own
a scarf,

but was
too drunk to realize it.

Will you take
me home?

Oh, yes, yes,
I will.

When opportunity and quick
thinking meet,

the way
they did that fateful night...

Good evening, sir.

...that's a Great Moment
In Hook-Up History.

(cheers & applause)

Hey, guys, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.

How's this?

(speaking in Arabic)

(thinking) Man, of all
the flights to be on,

I gotta ride with them
terrorist sons of bitches.

I got my eye on you,
Al Qaeda.

(thinking) What are those
negroes doing in first class?

Must be rappers.

I'd better keep
an eye on Sara.

(thinking) Me no trust-em white man.

Me better not
go to bathroom.

White man will
steal my seat

and call it
"Manifest Destiny".


("America the beautiful"

You know,
I'm glad to see that...

that there are so many different
kinds of people here.

You guys
can't see at home...

at home in the wide shot,

it just looks like a bunch
of black people, but it's not.

It's a patchwork,

a multl-ethnic,
multl-cultural patchwork.

Now, America's the same way.

And I know a lot of you
white people at home

might've had a feeling,

like, you have questions
for your black friends

that you want to ask 'em,
but you're afraid to ask.

You don't want to alienate
yourself or, maybe,

get beat the fuck up.

Well, I wanna promote
conversation and dialogue,

so I went on the streets

and gave people
the opportunity

to ask all the questions
that made them so curious.

And I got comedian
Paul Mooney...

Whoa! answer
these questions for 'em.

If you don't know
Paul Mooney,

he was a...
he was a writer

for Richard Pryor
for many years,

and some say one of the best
comedians working today.

one thing's for damn sure,

he's an unofficial

Ladies and gentleman,

it's time
for "Ask A Black Dude".

Can black guys jump high?

Yeah, black people
can jump high.

You gotta jump,

gotta do something when you're
running from the police.

(accented) I ask you, why
you walk like this, huh?

All you, always,
all you black guy, why?

(mimicking) Why you act
like a doo-det-det-det...

black people walk like that
'cause we have style,

we got flavor, we got rhythm.

I mean, the black man
in America

is the most copied
man on this planet, bar none.

Everybody wanna be a nigger,

but nobody wanna be a nigger,
how about that question?

Carol Channing just admitted
she was a nigger,

the rest of 'em need to
break down and admit it too.

Yeah, why we black people
like to smoke so much weed?

Can you tell me why?

Well, I have a question
for that nigga.

Well, where are your teeth,

Black people
just like to party.

They have that in their blood.

And sometimes they can go
overboard and it's real sad.

And don't ask me about drugs,

ask Whitney and Bobby,
don't ask me that question.


"Everybody wanna be a nigger,
but no one wanna be a nigger."

Oh, my God.

Nigger, I am gonna get
cancelled for sure.

We're gonna take
a quick commercial break

and we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.

(cheers & applause)

Go ahead!

Good evening and welcome to
inside Chappelle's Show studio.

We're here tonight
to celebrate the career

of a brilliant,
young man.

actor, artist, magician,

and, some would say,

a smooth, pimped-out player
from the streets

that knows how to get his.

Please, welcome,
David Chappelle.


Thank you.

It's overwhelming, I'm so used
to taping a comedy show.

This is...
this is incredible.

Thank you, William.

You've done
over 74 films.

We'll cover what time

David, in 1987,
you burst onto the scene

with one of the most
auspicious debuts

in modern times.

I'm talking, of course,
about your portrayal

of Private Jackson

in "Fighting Charlie
with Mr. Charlie".



Thank you,
thank you.

Here it is, your breathtaking,
Oscar-nominated performance.


ahh... ow,
Little help!


Damn, dog, what
took you so long?

They got me, ahh!

Who you calling?

Who that,
the police?

Tell 'em I got shot by some
Chinese gangsters.

I can describe 'em.

Mmm, hello,


Get out of here,
he's too far gone.


It'll be all right,

You made America proud,
you're a damn hero, son.

hey, you sneakin'.

You might as well just shoot
yourself in the stomach

and come lay
down with me.

They're gonna see you.

I was sneakin'
the same way, Sarge.


Permission to carry out
one last mission, sir?

What is it, soldier?

Permission to die,

Permission granted.

You report to heaven
at 0-800 hours,

and that's
an order, soldier.

I'll tell 'em,
"Uncle Sam sent me."

Why, God, why?!

Don't ask God...
ask Nixon.

Why, Nixon, why?!


I'd love some pussy
before I go, ahh...


After "Mr. Charlie",

you took what many considered
the role of a lifetime

when you played
the Duke of Yorkville

in "Improper Inquisitions".


Let's take a look.

(British accent) My lady,
my lady, don't run from me.

My lady... hey!

My lord, I need to know,

'twas there another
maiden in our bed?

Sayeth what?

It appears as though
my lady has been rummaging

through my things...

and foundeth her...
her birthday present early.

Yes, surprise!

Lieth not,
my lord, I prithee.

The last maiden that accused
me of lying,

I stuck my foot betwixt
her buttocks so ravagely...


That it broketh off and snappeth
as the twig doth snap!

So, my lady,
I invite thee

to come and watch me
unsheath my sword

and swing it
and swing it upon thee!


Ooh, oh, ow, oh...

Oh, oh... oh,


It seems as though
the boudoir,

won't be necessary.

I've soiled my pantaloon.

I'm going to get
a bowl of cereal.

You get some rest,



Thank you.

David, I've spoken
to many actors

who have played
the physically challenged.

When Daniel Day-Lewis
saw your performance

in "Little Foot, Long Foot",
he threw up.

In the movie,
you played Stanley,

a handicapped man with
a heart of gold.

It's visual poetry.

Thank you.

Short foot...

Long foot...

Little foot...

Long foot...


Sir, let me help you.

Ahh, get your damned hands
off of me!

But, sir,
the wet floor...

Shut up... oh!


I don't need
your damn pity.


Hey, ahh, get away!

Sir, I don't want you to
slip on my skateboard.

Shut your damn mouth,
you pothead!

(audio in slow speed) Aah... aah... aah!

May I have
a double cheeseburger...

a large fry...

and something cold
to drink?


And a cherry pie!

(applause continues)

And a milkshake!



Dave Chappelle,
thank you.

Thank you,
thank you.


(man) Chappelle's Show. Ow.


Whoo, oh, snap!
What's up, dog?

If you let one drop hit
this motherfuckin' waverunner,

I'm a kick
your motherfuckin' ass.


Oh, girl,
I should shit on you.

Hey, when you're done,
close the motherfuckin' lid

'cause we got some business
we got to take care of,

you know what I mean?

I should pee on y'all
like R. Kelly.

I would like to
thank my studio audience.

And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching the show.

I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honks)

thank you.

Roca-pads is 30
more absorbent

the leading brand...

I can't say that

"If your period
is droppin'...

we catch it."

I can't say that sh...
Yo, let me see that...

is 30 more percent absorbent

than the leading

30% more.

I know how to read, man.

What the (bleep) is
wrong with you?

You're so
young, Jackson.

I'm only 19.



Red, is my career
down there?