Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.




Yeah, yeah.

Let's start
the show.

Well, I'm a comedian,
I travel a lot,

and needless to say...
I get horny out there.

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I tried whacking off with
my PC,

but I felt like it was
just too much clickity-clack,


With my Mac, I mean, the video
resolution is so clear,

I can see parts of the vagina
that I didn't even know existed.

Labias and flabias
and flip-flaps... man!

I'm a chronic masturbator.

I don't know what
they make the keys out of,

but, whatever it is,
it's non-stick.

And then with iTunes,

I can actually listen
to some of my favorite music

while I'm masturbating.

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing
to mess with.

I'm Dave Chappelle
and I love Internet porn.

(cheering and applause)

Dave Chappelle...!


Hooray for me.

You know, I'm glad y'all came.

Man, I'm glad that we're
not cancelled yet.

We've been going hard.

Uh, tonight I wanted to tackle
something kind of serious.

I don't know if anybody
has seen me on Donahue recently.

Has anyone seen that?
Thank God.

Didn't go quite
as well as I thought it would

because I was unprepared.

The topic was
"angry white men".

So they said, "well, let's get
Dave Chappelle for that.

Maybe he'll be able to throw
something in the conversation."

I said, "well, okay,
I'll come over,"

'cause I'm thinking
we're actually gonna have

a conversation, but what happens
on these shows is all the guests

have an agenda,
they come in there,

and they'll say the same things
over and over again.

And I thought
we was just gonna be talking,

so halfway through the show,
I just gave up.

I have the tape,

I'll show you
some of the tape.

It was embarrassing, man.

You know what's happened?

Here's what's happened
because of that thinking...

as well intentioned
as it may be...

is you have taken
the white people and you have,

"A", made them angry,
and, "B", you talk...

White people
talk amongst each other...

When they see
a black person

in a job in a company,

they say, "he is
an affirmative action hire... "

(imitating nasally) "He's
an affirmative action hire."

That's a lot better than saying,

"hey, that nigga's

I'd much rather be called
"an affirmative action hire"

than "broke and unemployed".

As you can see, though,
from the tape,

I really didn't
have nothing to say.

I was, like, "should I just
choke somebody, or...?"

All right, all right,
let's take another look,

see what else we got here.

I think one of the
underlying issues here is

affirmative action
forces somebody...

you're forcing people,

and anytime
you force somebody,

I don't know about you

but I don't
like to be forced.

When I'm pushed,

I'm only pushed so far...
and then I push back.


Oh, you mean,
like, "slavery forced"?

Remember that thing where you
forced us to work, huh?

What did you think?
Black people was, like,

"no problem, boss,
I'd love to!"

Man, that was infuriating, man.

But, I, for one,
I'm gonna say it publicly,

not only am I for affirmative

I will take
it a step further...

I want my reparations
for slavery.

(cheering and applause)

That's right.

I'm trying to get paid
for the work of my forefathers.

Done and done.

The only thing
that I would say,

is if we do ever get
our reparations,

which I doubt,

but if we do, we black people
have got to get together,

and come up with
a plan for the money.

This is a consumer-based

You can't just give
black people all this money

and turn them loose
on the streets.

That could be
a potential disaster.

I wonder what would happen if
someone actually did that.


(harp playing)

(announcer) And now a
Newscenter 3 special report

with Frank Dobson
and Chuck Taylor.

Good afternoon,
I'm Chuck Taylor.

Frank Dobson died last
night in his sleep.

Our top story,
as we all know,

congress recently approved
paying over

a trillion dollars
to African Americans

as reparations
for slavery.

Well, today the first
checks were sent out.

Wendy Mullin is standing
by live in Queens with more.


Thanks, Chuck.
We're standing here in front

of the Olympic Liquor Store
in Queens,

where scores of
African Americans have been

lined up for hours.

We spoke to a few
of them earlier.

Ladies, may we
get a word?

Hide the money, y'all!
There's poor people 'round.

(laughs loudly)

With your broke

Sir, now that you've
got your check,

do you plan on quitting
your job driving this truck?

Truck driver?

I ain't no truck driver,
I'm a janitor.


That's right, baby, I just
bought this truck straight cash.

Now, I got enough cigarettes
to last me and my family

for the rest of our lives.

I'm rich, biatch!

(honks horn)

So, Chuck, as you can see,
it's been a pretty amazing day.

Back to you.

Wait, Wendy, let me
get this straight.

Why aren't there
any banks in the ghetto?

Well, Chuck, that's because
banks hate black people,

but I think
that's about to change.

Back to you.

I bet you're right,

Hot damn almighty,

I bet
you're right.

Well, these checks aren't just
affecting things on Beat Street.

Wall Street is having
a big day, as well.

Our financial correspondent
Michael Peterson is there.

what's happening?

Chuck, a lot of activity,

as you can imagine,
here on the market.

These people are spending
money like hotcakes.

Get this, Sprint
stock has skyrocketed

after the news that
two million

delinquent phone
bills have been paid

just this morning,

Gold is way up.

Diamonds are at their
most expensive level ever.

The catch word around here is
certainly, "bling, bling!"

Oil has dropped
to $1.50 a barrel,

while chicken shot
to $600 a bucket.

Amazing news there.

Just about everything
on the market is up,

however, watermelon
is surprisingly flat,

defying many analysts
out there.

Chuck, get this,
8,000 record labels

have been started
in the last hour.


Cadillac announced that
they sold three million

Escalade trucks
this afternoon alone.

It's incredible, Chuck,

these people just seem
to be breaking their necks

to give this money right back
to us.

I am happy to report that

the recession is now
officially over,

and we have
nobody to thank,

but all these black people,

with their taste for
expensive clothes,

fancy cars, and,
of course, gaudy jewelry.

Uh, Chuck, I can't
believe my ears,

the news just
keeps rolling in here.

I have just been told
that Fubu...

Fubu is now
the world's largest corporation

after merging with
Kentucky Fried Chicken.

This is another amazing

on an already
amazing day, Chuck.


a truly wild day that none
of us will ever forget,

no matter how hard we try.

We're gonna take a short break,
but when we come back,

the crime rate
has fallen to 0%.

How could that be?

Did the Mexicans get money
today too?


I shouldn't
have said that.

Listen, I think we'll
be all right.

Mexicans don't
watch the news.

Now, if this was Telemundo...


Hey, we're gonna pay
some bills over here

at Comedy Central,
but don't go anywhere,

'cause we'll be here when you
get back, chilling.

(cheering and applause)

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to
the Chappelle show.

A secret 1986 document
from a major tobacco company

contains the following

"Cigarette smoking can
result in feelings of euphoria,

increased alertness,

in short-term memory,

and can have a calming effect
on nerves."

And, you know, they're
not bad after unprotected sex

with multiple partners,

Hey, Scooter,
you trying to get some of this?

Come on, dog, look how
cool I look.

I was talking
'bout the cigarettes,

but come on in!

Man, we're just having us
a blast here in the studio.

Man, this is great.

And I gotta tell you,
you guys are one

of the best-looking audiences
I've ever seen in my life.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I've been looking around
from the back,

scoping out the ladies...

you know what I like about
ladies the most,

like, when I look
at how beautiful they are?

Their titties.

I'm sorry to say it,
there's something about boobs.

I'm a sucker for boobies.

I mean, you know,
I can't explain it.

It's just, you know, especially,
in the summertime,

when y'all girls
in New York be, like,

taking 'em out on
that parade

before you pack them
away for the winter.

And then a dude will
see one of y'all walking by,

and we want to say something
to you,

I don't think it would be
so bad if it was just, like,

"man, you got some
great boobs."

But, you know, girls get
mad at these kinds of things,

they don't like that.

They'll put 'em in your face...
but, it's, like,

"don't talk
about 'em, just... "

But it's all right, gentlemen,

because, I, for myself,
have put my mind to it,

and devised a way
that I can compliment women

on their breasts and they will
not get angry.

I had
a blast doing it.

Check it out.

do it.

Hi, everybody,
I'm Lyle,

standing in New York City,

boob capital
of North America,

looking for great New York

Do the hustle.

'Scuse me,
pardon me, miss.

Hi, can I talk to you
for one second?

Pardon me, can I talk
to you for my TV show?

Please, don't run.

Boy, she had some sweet
New York boobs.

Hi, guys, I'm Lyle, and you
have great New York boobs.

Oh, my God!

Hi, what's your name?


You have great
New York boobs.



Do the hustle.

this is Joe Rogan
from NBC's Fear Factor.

Hello, ladies.

Can I tell
you something?


You have great
New York boobs.

Are we talking
"C" cups?

"D" cups, perhaps?

Yes, "C",
"C" cups.

Well, I'd drink from
those "C" cups any day.


They rest on my arm
like an eagle on a perch.

These are some of the best boobs
you can see in the city.


(Chappelle) Please,
don't run, they're busy.

Do the hustle.

and this is Joe Rogan
from NBC's Fear Factor.

Can I tell you
something? Yes.

You have great
New York boobs.



That's my dad,

Well, sir...

you have
fabulous genetics.

That's all I can tell you

because you helped make a great
set of New York boobs.

Man, what
the fu... is this?

Hey, don't go nowhere.

We're going to take a quick
commercial break,

pay some bills,
and we'll be right back.

(cheering continues)


Turn on
your TV. Ow.

What you gonna see?


(cheering and applause)

Hey, guys, welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, man.

You know, we better check in
with Chuck Taylor

at Newscenter 3
to see how those black folks

are making out with their
reparations checks.

(announcer) And now more
"Reparations 2003" with Chuck Taylor.

If you're just joining us,

black people got their
reparations checks today,

and, in short, all hell
has broken loose.

In sports,
the Philadelphia 76ers

took on the New York Knicks,

but since none of the
black players showed up,

Todd Macculloch ended up
playing one-on-one

with Travis Knight.

Macculloch had 75 points,
beating Knight by 7.

After the game,
Macculloch said that he was hurt

that none of the black players
showed up,

but upbeat because he,

quote, finally, feels like
he has a big penis.

Welcome to
the club, buddy,

the big penis club.

Fortune magazine released
their annual list

of the hundred
wealthiest people today,

and Bill Gates has
been overtaken.

"By whom," you ask?

A Harlem resident named
simply... Tron.

Our Stephanie Gold
is standing by with him now.

So, how did you become

the world's wealthiest man,

Hot hand in
a dice game, baby girl.

Six hours straight,
talking 'bout,

clackity, clackity clack!

Now, you looking at the
world's richest man,

and I'm black.

Kiss my black ass,

I think what everybody
wants to know now is,

what are you going
to do with all this money?

Uh, I'm gonna reinvest my money
into the community.

Oh, that's a very nice
gesture, what will you...



Okay, is that your son?

No, no, I just bought
this baby cash.

No, straight up, though,
I'm gonna do the real thing,

and spend this money
before y'all honkeys

change your minds.

On that note, Chuck,
we're gonna send it

back to you
in the studio now.

Hold up, Chuck,
I got your girl.

What do you say about
a little lap dance

for the world's richest man?

Oh, well, if you
put it that way...

Chuck, back to you
in the studio.

Thank you,

In other news...

Suck my...

We, um, we seem to have
lost the feed.

Anyhow, here with
the weather is our old pal,

reliable, friendly, portly...
Big Al.

(nasal) Happy Reparations
Day, Happy Juneteenth.

Just kidding.

Chuck, I don't know
if you know this,

but I've just handed
in my resignation here

at Newscenter 3 hours ago.

And I'll tell
you something else

you probably didn't know,
and that is this:

This is not
my real speaking voice.

(deep and throaty) Actually,
Chuck, this my real speaking voice.

I talk like straight-up
gangster, bitch.

My name ain't Big Al,
it's Alton Sims, okay?

Uh, Big Al, seriously,

what's the forecast
for the tri-state area?

Oh, I don't know,

Why don't we take a
look at my tri-state area map,

which looks a lot like
my big fat ass.

Okay, here we
have Connecticut.

All the white folks
drive down 95

and go straight
into the Holland Tunnel.

Uh-oh, look out,

here comes
a big brown truck.

Wait a minute, that ain't
no truck!


My God, Big Al,
that's disgusting!

I'm paid.
I'm paid.

I'm paid
in the shade.

(mouthing rhythm)

Is that
"beat boxing?"

You old, pasty bastard.

Look at you, Chuck,
you look sick, man.

You look like you just walked
up from ground zero.

This job sucks,
kiss the rings, bitch.

I'm out.

And there
you have it.

Excuse me.

Incredible, I'm receiving word
that Colin Powell

has just bitch-slapped
Vice President Dick Cheney.

White people, run for cover,
we'll be right back.

Hey, man, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,

and we'll be right back

with more
Chappelle's Show.

Kiss the rings,

Chappelle's Show.

Better not
bring your kids!

Everybody in this room,

I'd like to thank you for
coming to my show.

Everybody at home,

I hope you're at home
making your butt

clap-clap clap.

All right, thanks for coming,
see you next week.

I'm out.

(cheers & applause)

I'm rich, biatch!

(horn honking)

thank you!

What is your personal
feelings on reparations?

There should be
some type of reparation...

Money, okay?

I feel the same way,
but I'd like the land, though.

You want the land,
not the money?


You know you can buy land
with money, don't you?


I'll beat the (bleep)
out of one of you (bleep).

that's right.

You didn't think
a fat (bleep) like me

could throw combinations,
I'm from the streets.

Respect mine.