Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

A modern take on "It's a Wonderful Life" when Dave plays an 'angel' who shows a girl who curses her big breasts what her life would have been without them. Also a funny parody on the classic "Roots".

Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.


Woo-hoo hoo.

Woo hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

Dave Chappelle!

(cheering and applauding)

Damn, that
was nice.

Thanks, y'all.

Oh, be comfortable,
relax, everyone.

Thanks for
coming out, man.

You guys are so nice.

Make ya feel good having
your own TV show.

That's a good thing, man,
you have your own show,

all these opportunities
just open up.

Like, recently,
I'm not bragging...

QVC, I don't know if
you watch it.

They offered me
my own line of clothing.

Now, I almost did it.

The only reason
I didn't do it

was not because
I don't like their products,

as much as I just don't
like the way

they conduct
themselves on the network.

They're just gross, man.

They just
nasty people.

I don't know if you
watch it.

This was on
just last night,

we taped it just
for the show.

Look at this,
it's disgusting.


I am being told our
napkin ring bonanza is over,

we are totally sold out!

Now, Ron, you are actually
wearing our next product,

a beautiful
Timeco gold wristwatch.

I am, Jessica!

Now, not only is this
watch attractive,

it keeps incredible time!

Uh, Ron, uh, I think you
have a booger on your hand.

You're right,
Jessica, I do!

Ha, ha, ha!

Better get rid of it,
before one of our customers

bids on it!

I'll start
the bidding at $9.95.


You dick.

Pretty damn bad, huh?

It gets worse.

Look at
this one.

Okay, now, I'm hearing
we've gotta move on

to our next product.

Now, we have a beautiful
set of cubic zirconia earrings

that one of our models,
Tammy, is modeling.

Oh, very nice.

Nice, huh?

Oh, Tammy.

Looks like someone's having
a herpes outbreak.

It's not genital herpes,
it's just a cold sore!

No, that's genital herpes.

Believe me, I should know,
I've had it since 1979.

Remember that place in...

I don't know where they
get them models from.

Now, this next one...

this one made me
actually wanna spit up.


Okay, our sportswear tsunami
continues to gather strength.

We have more ladies'
bathing suits.

This is a
beautiful bikini on Bonnie.


It's a jungle
down there.

(Tarzan yell)

Me Jane.
She hairy.

The rugs don't quite
match the drapes,

have you noticed that?


That was fuckin'
gross and hairy, man.

That just looks so nasty,
doesn't it?

What would you
do if you seen that lady?

Would you run?

Most niggas would
be like...

Gotta do what
I gotta do, son.

We all have our faults,
you know.

Now, you guys, I don't know if
you guys are big movie buffs,

but I collect DVDs.

For god's sakes,
pick this one up.

25 years ago,

an epic motion picture was
unleashed on America,

considered one of the most
important films in history.

We are now proud to release
this masterpiece on DVD.

For the very first time.

This one-of-a-kind,
25th anniversary

commemorative edition

features extras including
cast interviews,

director commentary, and
never-before-seen outtakes.

Kizzie, behold, the only thing
greater than yourself.

Oh, oh!

Oh, I'm...
hey, I'm sorry.

I told y'all not to
give me a real baby.

Pissin' all over me
and (beep).

Catch all the gags, spills,
and hilarious practical jokes.

Coming fore
to carry me home.

Your name is Toby!

Kunta Kinte!


I said, your name
is Toby!

Kunta Kinte!


Steve, what'd I say about
hitting so hard, man?

I'm sorry,
are you all right?

You sorry?

I'm gonna show
you sorry, man!

I'm gonna show you sorry!


I told y'all
he's scared of me!

Hold on, let me
get up there.

The Roots 25th anniversary
commemorative edition on DVD.

Including all Walbogs!

We'll be right back, with more
Chappelle's Show.

Don't go anywhere.

Chappelle's Show,

Hey, hey,
welcome back!

You all know this is not
my first show?

Did you know that?

No, I've had
several attempts, man.

Uh, I actually, my first...

my first show that ever
got on the air

was the ill-fated
Buddies, on ABC.

The thing that was wrong
with that show

was it was just
irrelevant and not funny

by me having a white friend,
like, "how incredible,

look at 'em, talking
and laughing together."

And then, I did a show
after that

that almost got to
the air, but then I got sued

'cause it was
a reality show.

It was raw and gritty.

You know, one of
them hidden camera shows,

like Totally Hidden Video
or something like this.

Mine was like
that, but it was raw!

Like life!

I didn't wanna hit
'em soft.

Mine was supposed
to be hard and real!

I got some clips
I'll show you.

(announcer) Coming this fall, on the WB:

Look out, Jamie Kennedy!

There's a new video
prankster in town,

and he goes by
the name, Dave Chappelle!


Watch the look
on these kids' faces

when Dave tells them their
parents are dead.

How're you kids doing?

Well, kids,
a doctor's job is hard,

and it never gets harder
than telling you guys

that your parents are dead.

(children crying)


Foster care is
coming to pick you guys up,

and somebody's gonna adopt you,
right like this!

I would.

All right, guys,
be good.

Be good to each other.

Hopefully, they don't
split you up.

All right, take care.

Oh, by the way,
I forgot to tell you...


I'm just kidding,
come on out, mom and dad,

come on out.

Why did you do
this to us?

Y'all been zapped!

Look out, America,

'cause when Dave Chappelle's
around, you might get zapped!


What up, playboy?

Damn it, how could
you do this to me?

You've wasted eight years
of my life!

Oh, come on, man,
with all that shouting.

Dave Chappelle?

Jeez, Julie, why don't
you just fuck JJ.?


I ain't JJ,
but it was dyn-o-mite!

While we're on the subject,

I've been sleeping with
my secretary

for the last
three and a half years.


This wasn't real,
this was fake!

Well, what's that
in his pants?

It's a dildo, dawg!

You have
been zapped!

Dave Chappelle, you have
ruined my life!


(cheering and applauding)

Now, the next one is
the one that really

got me in a lot more trouble.

This is when the heat
got turned up.



All right, everybody,
get on the fucking floor!

This is a robbery!

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stay cool, big time,
stay cool!

Don't you move, baby!

You've got 20 seconds to
fill this bag with cash.

I don't wanna
see a peep outta you.

Hey, big time, what you looking
in my face for?

That's against
the protocol of robbery!

You think it's
a fuckin' game?

Shoot this motherfucka.



Please, I have a family.

Oh, you got
a family?

Well, guess what?

I eat cottage cheese
for dinner, all right?

With salt
and pepper.

You understand?

Now, I'm getting
outta here.

I wanna tell
y'all something...

you've been zapped!


Freeze, right there!

Look, we just
doing a show...


Damn, I got hit!

I didn't have
nothing to do with that.


Be prepared
to get zapped

Thursdays at 8:30.

This Fall,
on the WB!



What, I can't make fun of
that fucking frog?

Fuck that frog.

They don't be doing
that on white networks.

As soon as a black network...

at the dubba

I like chicken...

That's the most
racist shit ever.

Welcome back, niggers,
to the WB.

Hey, don't go
anywhere, we'll be right back,

with more of this
Chappelle's Show.

Yes, yes, we will!

Go ahead!


Welcome back.

This next piece is, uh, from my
Masterpiece Theater archives.

It's actually dedicated
to women who don't appreciate

their god-given assets.

I tell you ladies, especially
y'all at home watchin',

appreciate your
bodies for what they are

'cause you never know who
might be likin' 'em.

What's with all
the stretching?

Oh, you know the old adage:
Big boobs, bad back.

Yeah, all set?

I'm a little worried, I didn't
have a clean sports bra

so I had to
wear a regular one.

You'll be fine,
let's go.

(beating drums)

Oh, don't worry, Sheila,
I'm sure nobody notices.



Look at that lady.

Yeah, her bosooms are, like,
bouncin' around and everything.

They're not
talking about you.

Sweet Jesus, did you see
the jugs on that brunette?


I'm gonna go in.

Sheila, it's okay.

It's not okay!


It's not okay!

Stupid boobs.

Nothing but
an inconvenience.

I wish I didn't have 'em!



Careful what you
wish for.

Who are you?

Who I am is not important,

but what you said about
those titties is.

Follow me.

(bells ringing)

It's easy, try it.

Hey, that's me.

And that's frank, the human
resources man at my office.

He's always
slobbering over me.

Not today.

So that's why I think
I'm qualified for the promotion.

Yeah, well, um...
we'll see.

Why is he being
so dismissive?

What happened to my boobs?

Oh, you just answered
your own question.

Them boobies is gone,
girl, just like you wished for.

How did it go?

Not well.

That woman was
a flat-chested bore.

Our clients will never
respond to her.

For Pete's sake,
she's got no melons.

So, should I tell her she's not
getting the promotion?


In fact, tell that
titless freak she's fired.

Oh, I'm on it.

Oh, are guys
really like that?


My guy friends aren't
like that.



Hey, look, it's Paul.

He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.

Hey, buddy, I have a painting
I need to hang up in my bedroom,

do you think you
could help?

Wow, I didn't even know
we were buddies.

I always thought
I was your personal handyman

'cause you're constantly
asking me for favors

that I don't want to do.

You know
what you need?

A new set of titties
and a boyfriend,

then you'll be
all set, all right?

What's gotten
into him?

Well, it's not
what's gotten into him

as much as it is what's
gotten out of you.

By that, of course, I mean
your massive milk bladders.

Paul, wait!

I still have
big boobs!

He can't see you.

We'll see about that!


He can't see you,

but my black ass
got 20/20 vision.

God damn, Sheila!

You men are the worst.

You're right.

Oh, my gosh,
Sheila, you are right.

Women, the fairer sex,

they would never ever
judge another woman

by the size of her
boobies, now would they?

Mazel tov!

Hey, wait,
those are my friends.

Oh, word?

Where's Sheila?

Wasn't she supposed
to be a bridesmaid?

Oh, I was gonna
have her be one,

then I thought,
"am I getting bridesmaids,

or starting an itty-bitty
titty committee?"



I didn't even invite her
to my wedding.

Oh, snap!

How could she do that?

'Cause your
friends are bitches!

Besides, Sheila, even girls
love girls with huge tats,

especially at a wedding.

The groom's friends gotta have
somebody to sleep with.

I had no idea these
things were so important.

Oh, keep it real, girl,
them things are lifesavers.

Listen, I didn't
want to put this on you,

but the fate of
the world...

you hear me... the world
rests on them chesticles!


(ringing alarm)

Hey, where do I know
that crazy guy from?

He used to live
next door to you.

You know, masturbating to you
and those giant cans of yours

was all he had to live for.

Once you took
that away,

he lost his mind
and blew up the world!

Thanks a lot, Sheila.

No, no, no!

I don't want the world
to end

just because of
my sweater puppets!

Oh, that's
a beautiful thought.

You should've thought
about that

before you wished
them sweet tits away.

World's going to end in
about 10 seconds...

which is just enough
time to suck a titty.

But where would I find
a titty from?

I don't...
well, hey, it's Sheila!


You've taught me
a valuable lesson today.

I'm never going to curse
my fun bags again.

In fact, I might
even get implants.

All right.

You listen, world,

I've got humongoid knockers,
and I'm proud of them.


Thanks, mister.

You must be an angel
or something.


I ain't no angel,
I'm a janitor.

Then how did you show me
all those places?

Girl, I am high on PCP.

I was gonna ask you
how you was following me.

You smoke sherm...
a little sherman?

No... uh,
who are you?

I'm just a nigga
that love titties.

Have a good day, miss.


All right, everybody, we'll
take a quick commercial break

so you guys can throw up or do
whatever you have to do,

and then we'll be back
with more Chappelle's Show.



Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go to
the Chappelle's Show.

To my audience here
and my audience at home,

God bless you
all, man.

God bless America.

I'm out!

I'm rich,

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you.

Now I gotta get up, wash all
this blood off me,

and still get to
the club before last call

'cause it's Fri-day night!


The WB!


Man, you told me this (bleep)
was for HBO, man.

Ain't dying
for no damn WB.

Look, it's Paul.

He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.


I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,
what did you say?

I had some
titties on my neck.