Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Why can you never stay
faithful to one girl?

Well, that's the giveaway
right there... "girl."

A black man wants a woman,
he doesn't want a girl.

Maybe that's why her man's
not faithful to her.

If she grow up
and become a woman

he can be
faithful to her.

But that's back from
back in the day,

in Africa,
in the beginning,

when the white man
went over there

and saw the black man naked
with his 12 wives.

'Cause black men are used to
having a lot of women.

He saw us with,
y'know, 12 wives.

And so he ran back
to America and made a law.

If you marry
more than one person

I think they
call it "bigamy"?

And you have to break it down:
"Bigga-than-me".

(man) Can I ask you to move
your chair for me a bit,

just back a little bit?

Okay.

And sort of squared off
with the desk

if you don't mind.

No, the other way, so the
arm is up against the desk.

Yeah, and back
a little.

Thank you.

Still speeding.

(second man)
Okay, set?

Yep.

Ready to go forward.

I just want to know,
why do black men

only make
the right pimps?

Why are black men only
suitable to be pimps?

That's already very funny.

Black men are suitable
to be pimps?

Well, you should
ask the white woman.

I mean, that's a question
to ask the white woman

because he seems
to be doing a lot of pimping

with the white lady.

So the question
is kind of reversed.

But the biggest pimp I've ever
known was a white pimp,

and he drove a Volkswagen.

And he was
pimpin' everybody.

I think you guys call it
"the President".

(crew laughing)

(man)
Happy thoughts.

Here we go, okay.

Why do we black people
like to smoke so much weed,

can you tell me why?

Well, I have a question
for that nigga.

Where are your teeth,
nigga?

'Cause that's funny, when I see
black people with no teeth

it cracks me up.

But I think black people
like to smoke weed

because they're so
depressed about not working.

So they just get a blunt and
try to get high and forget.

But it's very sad

because most people I know
that smoke weed...

I don't do drugs...

most of them that I know,
they forget a lot.

And I love that commercial on
marijuana that used to be on.

When they came out and
said, about your memory?

Said, "I smoke it
and I don't forget."

And then: "what was I
talking about?"

That's some funny stuff.

Y'know, I guess
it all depends

on what kind of herb
you speak...

I mean, I'm not into
any kind of drugs,

y'know, so I don't
have an answer for that.

I think black people
just like to party.

They have that
in their blood.

Sometimes they can go
overboard and it's real sad.

And don't ask me
about drugs,

ask Whitney and Bobby,
don't ask me.

(laughter)

Okay, ah...

"can black guys jump?"
Here we go.

Can black guys
jump high?

That's kind of
a trick question.

I thought it was... what's the
movie, "White Men Jump?"

White Man Can... what was it,
"White Men Can't Jump"?

What was it, yeah, something
like that, yeah.

But I always said that
I thought they don't have to

'cause they own the teams.

They let
the black people jump.

Yeah, black people can jump
high, you gotta jump.

Gotta do something when
you running from the police.

"Why you walk like this."

I ask you why you
walk like this, huh?

All you, always, all you
black guy, why?

Why do you...

I'm sorry, hold on.

That's all right,
go ahead.

This is for me,
don't do anything yet.

Always, all you
black guy.

Okay, here we go.

I ask you why you walk
like this, huh?

All you, always, all you
black guy, why?

I want to ask a question,

why do you have all these
people with these deep accents?

"Why you walk like
a du-da-ta."

Haven't we learned
anything from 9/11?

I wanna see his
passport.

Damn the question,
I mean, where is he from?

"Why you walk like a... "

No, that's too much
for me.

Black people walk like that
'cause we have style,

we got flavor,
we got rhythm.

I mean, the black man
in America

is the most copied man
on this planet, bar none.

Everybody want to be
a nigga,

but nobody
want to be a nigga.

How about that question?

The Colonel's a nigga now,
the Colonel's a nigga now.

He done eat so much chicken,
he's a nigga now.

Carol Channing just admitted
she was a nigga,

the rest of them need to
break down and admit it too.

(laughter)

Give us time,
two more.

I will.

I think this is
the Stephen King.

Okay, here we go.

Do black people want to
go to black dentists

and do black people want to
get buried by black...

undertakers?

That's funny,
Stephen King.

He almost said, "nigga,"
I read between it.

Do black people
want to go to black dentists?

Well, maybe so,
I don't know,

maybe they do want to
go to a black undertaker.

But what's the difference,
when you're dead,

you don't care
who buries you.

I mean, what difference does
it make once you're dead?

You're dead,
you're outta here.

Whether it's black undertakers
or black dentists...

I always thought
dentists were dentists,

I wasn't into black and white
dentists, please.

If they can fix
the teeth, cool.

They can't,
that's cool too.

That's kind of
a weird question.

Coming from Stephen King
that was very strange.

Must be, David,
that must be your choice.

That was weird, he must be
a friend of yours.

Have the horror man come on and
ask a question about a nigga,

that was already scary.

I wrote a script
for Stephen King.

I have a Stephen King
horror movie.

Nigga With A Brain...

we'll see how that
scare people.

Or Niggas In School...
how about that, stephen?

Niggas In School,
I like that.

All right, this is,

this is Dee Snyder
from Twisted Sister, yeah.

Okay, here we go.

(Dave Chappelle) "We're
not gonna take it!"

Are all their dicks
really big?

Or are some small,
some big?

Is it a mixed bag,

or do we just assume they're
all hung like horses?

That's funny too.

The biggest white boy with
the biggest dick is dead,

that's John Holmes.

He got outta here quick,
that's a whole 'nother story.

But I guess brothers do,
I mean, brothers are packin',

they seem to be packin'.

I guess that's the way
of the world.

That's why you have
so many mixed couples.

White girl
ain't that crazy.

How does the old
saying go,

"once you go black,
you don't come back"?

If you go white, you go
running back to black.

Ain't that the way
it goes?

It happens that way.

Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?

And then they divorced.

She was humping on
black chairs,

she went crazy
when she got away from him.

(laughter)

One more?

More?

Yeah.

I've always wondered why
black guys shave their heads.

I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair

and I can never figure out
why so many of them

shave their heads.

I think bald heads
are like a backlash

of white people with hair
in their face.

We just got sick
of white people

throwing their hair back.

So the first bald headed man
I seen was a white man,

that was Yul Brynner.

And then "Kojak",
was bald headed.

So the white people kind of
made bald heads famous first.

And then the brothers
just took it over

and went crazy with it.

But it's good, 'cause it
saves the haircuts.

'Cause the haircuts were
getting too much.

See, the niggas
ain't that dumb,

haircuts was costing
too much.

So they said, "no,
we're just gonna go bald

and break up
all this bull."

So now they got spray
for the shine.

They trying to double back
and make some money.

But bald heads, it's a fad,
that's all, it's just a fad.

But everybody shouldn't
wear a bald head,

'cause some niggas got some
ears that are just too scary.

And they don't even see it,
they just think it's a style.

Everybody cannot wear
a bald head.

Let's be realistic,
not everybody.

A few of us can,

but not everybody
can wear a bald head.

It can be
very, very scary.

Nigga, grow your hair,
today.

Cover up them ears.

But then there are those
who've had ear jobs.

You guys don't even
get into that.

I can name them
but I won't do that,

they'll get mad at me.

They've had
those ears clipped.

So, you know,
it's just a fad.

Now, white folks
wear bald heads too.

You know they're not gonna
let a nigga have nothing.

We wore naturals,

they took that,
they take everything.

They took Tina Turner.

They took
Michael Jackson.

They took James Brown...
they gave him back.

Who else they take?

Lionel Richie.

Oh, they'll take
stuff from you.

Can we think of anybody
else they took?

Because they won't let us
have too much fun.

That's what I told
some black people

the other night
at my show.

I said, "don't get,
don't get too fond of me

'cause white folks'll
come in and take me."

They only want niggas to have
a little bit of fun.

If I get to talking
some mess on your show,

they'll take your show,
they'll fix you too.

If you have too much fun.

So if you're black and
you're around white folks,

don't have too much fun.

Just grin a little bit, don't
grin all the time, nigga.

So just keep your head shaved,
keep bald heads.

And hey, I think
bald heads are cool.

L.L. got a bald head,
who else got a bald head?

Help me out.

They all, yeah,
they all have bald heads.

I was surprised Clinton
didn't get a bald head.

(clapping)

Okay, all right, good.

Any other words of wisdom
you want to give us?

Well, there's
no more questions.

Is there any more
questions?

No, no.

We'll get you
some more.

Huh?
I can't hear you.

(woman) Who made up the questions.

Who?

Yeah, remember you were
talking about last...

who made up
the questions.

These questions?

No, I said it was
probably a combination

of David and a white writer,
I'm sure of it.

No!
It was these people!

Those people didn't
make up this for you!

(man) They made up every single one.

Those people made up
every one of those?!

I swear to God.

Well, you should've
had them all arrested.

(Dave) That's exactly
what I told them, I said...

you didn't tell them
to say this?

(man)
Not a single word.

(Dave) I just said we
have a team of black...

and they started
asking them?

That's...
then it's funny as hell,

then it's even
funnier.

That is very funny.

Including
Stephen King?

(man)
Including Stephen,

he was coming
out of a restaurant.

Bobcat directed this,

so Bobcat was with us
and he knew Stephen.

And so we asked the...

That's a damn...

Okay, then it's
even funnier.