Champaign ILL (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Stewart Copeland, Andy Summers and Sting - full transcript
ALF: Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to beautiful
Jacksonville, Florida.
Current local time is 4:20.
And please be careful when
opening overhead compartments,
as the many, many bags
of sticky icky icky
may have shifted in flight.
We thank you for flying
-Chron Air.
-RONNIE (laughs): Chron Air was
-way better than Air Bud.
-You know, 'cause of
-Con Air.
-Yeah. No, I got it.
Yo, yo, can you
believe this shit?
They got 'Pac
performing at Coachella.
I told you
Makaveli was alive!
You owe me another
Jet Ski, dawg.
He's not alive,
motherfucker.
It's a hologram.
And it's corny as fuck.
You know what? If I die,
you better make sure
I never become a hologram.
You two. I'm serious.
I'll come back.
-BOTH: Bet.
-Matter of fact, Craig,
notarize this shit right now.
I hereby
give the rights
of my hologram to Alf and Ron
so I might never become
a fucking hologram.
-Thank you.
-Fine.
-Amen.
-I'll file it with Ronnie
and Jake the Snake's pre-nup.
-Oh, shit.
-(siren blaring)
-Guys, we got company.
-LOU: No shit.
Everywhere we land is like
a fuckin' championship parade.
-RONNIE: Fact.
-CRAIG: No.
-We got bad company.
-ALF: You better
be talkin' about
Paul Rodgers,
Simon Kirke, Mick Ralphs
and Boz Burrell.
CRAIG: No, not the band
Bad Company.
I'm talking about the police.
ALF:
You better be talkin'
about Stewart Copeland,
-Andy Summers and Sting.
-Why would
two classic rock outfits
be waiting for us on the tarmac?
RONNIE: Speaking of
classic rock outfits,
what's with your lace-up
leather pants, you fuckin' dork?
You look like
Steven Tyler's mic stand.
-(laughter)
-Ha. Ha.
-ALF: You look like
you do close-up magic.
-(laughter)
Police! Get out of the plane!
ALF: I'm surprised
you're not wearing
one of those
low-slung belts
off the belt loop
with the, like,
metal discs on it. Oh.
-I am.
-Oh.
Just wrapped out
a tour with Daughtry.
Guys, I'm talking
about actual law enforcement
outside...
right now.
-They're gonna raid the plane.
-RONNIE: All right, so,
walk out there
in your bent-toe snakeskin boots
and... take care of it.
There's no taking
care of it.
We're in Florida,
Lou is a rapper.
Someone has to take the fall
for the pounds and pounds
of marijuana we
have on this plane.
So who should it be?
The once-in-a-generation talent,
the manager who cleans up
all the messes,
or one of the two friends?
♪ ♪
All right.
Rock, paper...
You're white.
I owe you one, brah.
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Same squad, same squad,
same squad ♪
♪ Droptop coupe,
dodge raindrops ♪
♪ Big bag plays on FaceTime ♪
♪ Squad ain't with me
then it ain't right ♪
♪ Same squad, same squad,
same squad ♪
♪ Cross moves quick like A.I. ♪
♪ Chains shine bright
like daytime ♪
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay. ♪
There's some Nerd Rope
in the glove if you want.
So we don't talk for six months,
and then all of a sudden,
you barge in
and invoke Jacksonville?
I needed you, and I knew
what you were gonna say.
Fuck you, dude.
Yeah, which is exactly why
I invoked Jacksonville.
So at least tell me
where we're going.
Ah, bah, bah, burr.
Jacksonville.
So we're actually
going to Jacksonville?
Buh, buh, buh, buh,
burr. Jacksonville.
Oh, I really missed you, dog.
You know, I'm sensing
some sarcasm in your voice.
If you really want to know why
I needed you, it's because I...
What? So you can come
and ruin my life...
again? Well, of course.
Soon as I get my shit
together, you just come
and you shit all over it.
And you're fucking toxic,
you know that?
Everything bad
that's happened to me
in my life is because of you.
Well...
you don't have to be so dramatic
about it, Alfonso Streisand.
It'll take two
hours, tops,
-which is why I really...
-Don't care!
All right? Jacksonville
does not include chitchat.
Really? I went
to jail for you.
You know what?
Fine. Jacksonville does
not include chitchat.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
ALF: This place is like
fucking "True Detective."
The good season that was
supposedly plagiarized,
not the one that fucking sucked.
What are we doing here?
Nothing. I just got to make a
quick, non-shady transaction.
Oh. You're buying drugs.
I should have known that
intervention wasn't gonna last.
You mean that ambush
you planned for me?
Oh, you know, I'm so sorry
that I didn't want you to die.
I was actually concerned.
You were so concerned
that you didn't even show up.
And then you ghosted on me
for six months.
You know,
maybe I was busy digging myself
out of the crater you created
when you sent Courtney
a sex tape of me and my cousin.
(rhythmic beeping)
(dog barks in distance)
(line ringing)
LAFONSO:
Go for L'fonz!
Hey, Pops. (scoffs)
You're not gonna believe this.
Ronnie showed up and cashed in
an I.O.U. I couldn't refuse.
So now he's got me in the middle
of God-fucking-knows-where
doing God-fucking-knows-what.
Yeah, I honestly
might kick his ass.
LAFONSO: Oh, come on, now.
I think it's good
you two are hanging out.
Maybe time you, uh,
gave him another shot.
Hey, uh...
hey, are you eating?
I mean, okay,
I know I'm not your sponsor,
but I thought we weren't
snacking between meals.
LAFONSO:
Hey, now, I'm just...
I'm just chewing
some Calorette.
Meal-flavored gum, like
Nicorette but for food addicts.
(Lafonso smacks lips)
Oh, sorry.
Uh, is it good?
LAFONSO: Some are better
than others.
The chicken Kiev's
a little bland.
I like the fajitas.
You know, people can change,
son, if you let them.
-(Alfonso munching)
-I know.
LAFONSO: Maybe Ronnie's
different now, too.
-Nope.
-(phone beeps off)
I knew it!
I knew it was fucking drugs!
-It's not drugs.
-Then what's in your hand?
It's Lou.
-What?!
-Well, it's probably like
a tenth of Lou, and maybe
even only half of that is Lou.
Amir definitely stepped
on it with some dog ashes.
He owns a yes-kill shelter
called Amir One Impounds.
Well, I'm gonna need you
to run that back,
like, all the way, please.
When I sold Lou's
ashes to Amir,
he split them up
and sold them
to some presumably
very fucked-up people.
Fans are so fucking weird.
-Gross.
-So what?
This is your Jacksonville, huh?
You just want me to ride along
with you shotgun while
you pick up Lou's ashes?
And then we're square?
-Yeah. And do you want
to know why?
-Nah, man.
Just hurry the fuck up.
Unlike you, I've got
a life to get back to.
Wow. Really hit me
with both barrels, huh?
Sheesh.
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing
a song ♪
♪ Bad, bad, bad King Kong ♪
♪ Bad, bad,
bad King Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing
a song ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing a song... ♪
ALF:
Uh, the fuck is this?
I know we're not
speaking right now,
but I thought maybe we could
not speak to each other
over a few burgers?
I've-I've got to get back
to Courtney, all right?
You said a couple hours.
It's been three.
And I just got back
from a business trip,
so she's pissed at me not
answering my calls or my texts.
Well, it sounds like you're
in the doghouse already.
What's another 20 minutes?
Plus, Phil Rosenthal put
this burger on his Instagram,
gave it three and
a half "plotzes."
All right, fine,
but no talking, all right?
Just noshing.
Maybe a little fressing.
(instrumental
rock music playing)
RONNIE: This place is
kind of the real deal, huh?
ALF: Yeah, it's real
deal something.
-Get out.
-What?
Nah, you look like the guy
from the movie "Get Out."
I mean, as much as you do, bro.
I mean, that's... What?
(Ronnie chuckles)
You, uh... you're going
on business trips now.
Yup.
And you're living
with your girl.
Yup. Everything's good.
And the baby.
Yup, baby's good.
Name?
Yup. The baby has a name.
Jesus Christ, man.
It's Jasmine.
That's adorable, man.
Good for you.
Thank you.
Is it as hellish
as everyone says?
You know, 'cause I couldn't
give up my freedom, and I know
Daddy over here needs
his 13 hours,
or he's a real Oscar the Grouch.
Actually, I love
everything about it.
You know what I mean? You make
it sound like it's a jail,
when, really, it's
the most profound experience
a human being can go through.
Selflessness.
You should look into it, dawg.
I didn't...
mean to equate parenting
to going to jail.
As someone who has been
to jail--
Okay, we get it.
All right? You did me
a solid many years ago.
I'm here, all right?
I'm paying you back.
I'm doing Jacksonville.
We're about to be square.
Been to jail yesterday.
I got arrested yesterday.
What?
Aw, man.
Brah, what happened?
I, um...
I got busted for selling Oxy.
I'm out on bail.
Whole thing's not great.
But I did flip
like a bitch on Amir,
so they think they'll be able
to cut me a good deal.
(chuckles) How pissed
were your parents
when they had
to come bail you out?
Oh, they didn't.
They refused.
Yeah, my mom's
still pretty salty
about me ending
her marriage
and the lives of Taffy I and II.
And my dad...
(clicks tongue)
...my dad was the bait
in the sting operation
that brought me down.
(chuckles): Oh, shit. So, wait,
so Shayna bailed you out?
(chuckles)
Wrong again, my friend.
No, I was using Shayna's
storefront as a drug front.
So I think,
with the whole debacle,
I ended up costing her
about an eight-figure buyout
to Yankee Candle.
Ooh!
(chuckles)
I mean, that's
a Yankee Candle Doodle Dandy.
(both chuckle)
Do you want to hear what
the most unbelievable thing is?
I'm having a hard time believing
any of this, man. (chuckles)
Craig bailed me out.
What? How is that old
piece of shit?
Well, he's doing this
very ill-advised country look.
-(chuckles): Oh, no.
-He's managing
the Waylon Jennings estate,
I guess. (chuckles)
But, wait, why would
he bail you out?
(chuckles)
Well...
do you remember that napkin
that we both signed?
Mm-hmm.
Apparently,
it was legally binding,
and you and I are the, uh,
co-owners of Lou's hologram.
And Craig wants to take
the hologram out on tour
for this, like, dead rapper
hologram extravaganza
or something.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
So that's what this
is all about, huh?
-What?
-You trying to butter me up
so I'll sign away my half
of the rights to the hologram?
But I bet-- I bet you thought
this was gonna be like one
of those classic
road trips, right,
where, like,
we start out as enemies,
then slowly become friends,
and then I sell out Lou?
Let me guess--
the minivan's supposed
to get more
and more fucked up as we go.
I would never be that cliché.
And, besides, my mom loves
that minivan.
If it gets even
one scratch on it...
-(exhales) ...she'll kill me.
-Bro, straight out
of the script. That's exactly
what you're supposed to say.
Relax, guy.
I told Craig no.
Obvi.
I mean, you really think
I would do something like that?
Nah, man. I'm sorry.
It's fine. I deserve it.
I've done a lot
of really terrible things.
But I'm really working hard
to change.
And I just thought maybe
if you saw me collect the ashes
and clean up one
of my mistakes...
It's cool.
Drinks?
I'm actually fine
with some water,
-actually. Thank you.
-Water, for me. (chuckles)
(chuckles)
I find that I'm--
maybe it's me getting older,
I don't know--
I just don't even think
about having a drink.
You know, honestly, me too.
Courtney and I just, like,
split a glass of white wine,
if we drink at all.
I'm noticing I've lost
some weight in my face.
Yeah, I just find that, like,
waking up early in the morning
is just so much easier.
And I don't even miss it,
you know?
Once you put a sparkling water
in my hand...
It's really just
the muscle memory, you know?
-Don't need it
to have a good time.
-Mm-hmm.
-I could do one drink though.
-Just one would be fine,
-I think.
-I think one drink is good.
♪ A bottle of red ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ A bottle of white ♪
♪ It all depends ♪
-♪ Upon your ♪
-♪ Where you're in ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Things are okay with me
these days ♪
♪ I got a new job,
I got a new office ♪
♪ I got a new wife,
I got a new life ♪
♪ And the family's fine ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Brenda and Eddie
had had it already ♪
♪ By the summer of '75 ♪
♪ From the high to the low
to the end of the show ♪
♪ For the rest of their lives ♪
♪ Nobody looked any finer ♪
♪ Or was more of a hit
at the Parkway Diner ♪
♪ We never knew we could want
more than that out of life ♪
-♪ Oh... ♪
-♪ Surely ♪
♪ Brenda and Eddie would
always know how to survive ♪
(piano solo)
♪ That's all I heard
about Brenda and Eddie ♪
♪ Can't tell you more
'cause I told you already ♪
♪ Here we are waving at Brenda
and Eddie good-bye ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh... ♪
Sing that song
one more fucking time!
That guy just went full nuclear.
I mean, this is America.
Yeah. Like, you don't just...
pull out a gun
in place of saying "please."
(phone buzzing)
You're blowing up, kid.
Are you gonna get that?
You know, you can.
I won't bother you.
Nah. You know, it...
(clicks tongue)
...it's just gonna be,
like, a huge thing.
We're having, like,
a good time, you know?
Like, listen, I'll call her back
later or whatever.
I mean, it's kind of
a classic night.
Yeah.
All right.
So...
(clears throat)
...let's get this
show on the road.
Look out.
Oh, shit.
You really don't drink anymore.
Here we go.
Buddy, man, you're doing
a real number on somebody's car.
I mean, in my defense,
does this not look
the exact same as my mom's car?
It is uncanny.
I don't think I can drive.
Shit, I know I can't.
(chuckles)
All right, let's Uber
to a motel or something.
Yeah.
Oh, we should probably
move the car to, like,
a non-tow away zone, though.
The bartender didn't seem
to be a fan.
Okay.
How 'bout over there?
You think we can make it?
ALF: Oh, yeah.
That's 20 feet. Easy.
One of us drives,
one of us guides.
Bingo, buddy. Oop.
-Still locked.
-This one.
ALF:
Keep coming.
Just keep com... 'Kay.
Keep coming. Keep coming.
You have tons of room.
I want you
to crank it left, 'kay?
To m-- All the way left, man!
Hello?!
Back. Back.
-Back. Back.
-Back.
BOTH: Back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back.
-Back, back, back, back, back.
-Oh, wow! You win.
-You got a real flair
for the guidance aspect.
-Mm.
-I'll drive.
-Okay.
-(engine revs)
-Okay! Easy does 'er.
(engine revs)
(Ronnie whooping, laughing)
RONNIE:
Look out! Fuck!
-(man shouts)
-(woman screams)
(tires screech)
Perfect.
Yo. Question.
Yeah.
So, if your whole plan
was to show
that you're a changed dude
by collecting
all the ashes, why not
just collect all the ashes
and then show up at my door?
You-you know?
Why waste your Jacksonville,
like, making me come with?
Well...
I guess I was kind of hoping
this would happen.
What, we drink 200 shots
and have
a crossing guard competition?
No, that we would hang out.
You know?
Stop hating each other.
It's like you said
with the road trip thing.
Only...
not going so we could sell
our friend's hologram.
So we could be cool
with each other again.
And I kind of think
that's what happened.
You know what I mean, my dawg?
My dawg?
-(snores)
-(chuckles)
(sighs)
(birds singing)
(groans softly)
Alf?
(vehicle approaching)
Hey, I thought you left, dude.
Nah, bud. Just grabbing us
a couple coffees.
Hop in.
Did you really think I was
gonna just bail on you
when you were asleep?
No.
I mean...
I don't know. No.
No, that's fair. Yeah,
no, you're right.
I mean, I did, after all, bail
on you for the past six months.
I should've checked in.
That's my bad, dawg.
It's okay. We're good, G.
And you are not toxic, brah.
Look, I've got us
into plenty of shit myself.
I'm pretty toxic. (laughs)
It's okay.
I'm just glad you're back.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, it got awkward there
for a minute.
-Was it a little awkward
between us?
-Yeah, right?
Like, we were, like, doing,
like, small talk and shit.
Who were those guys?
I didn't even recognize them.
Ah, we were, like, minutes away
from talking about how small
the apartments are in New York.
But still so expensive.
Well, I mean,
you're paying for the city.
-Oh, and the pizza.
-Yeah.
Which is what I hate about L.A.
You know, you can't find a good
slice or a bagel anywhere.
I mean, it's the water,
is what it is.
Which is crazy considering
we freak the fuck out
when it rains
while we're driving.
But we need it.
You know what I don't need?
My waiter at Sugarfish
taking my order
like he's auditioning
for "Speechless."
Is everybody an actor?
Trust me, bro. No Zawa-way
you're gonna make it.
Why don't you just move
back in with your "edamama"?
It's peak TV.
There's so many shows
and so many platforms.
And yet still nothing to watch.
Just because it's a half hour
does not make it a comedy.
And you can't watch the news.
Oh, God! Just when I think
it's at its craziest.
Whoopsie doodle,
he does it again.
That's why they hate us.
You know what I miss?
I miss being able
to walk into a store
and actually touch something
before I buy it.
Have you seen this
documentary on Netflix?
You know what
the problem is?
Every kid
gets a trophy nowadays.
(both laugh)
Ugh.
Is that what normal people
sound like?
-I guess. (laughs)
-Ugh.
Fucking lame.
Normals are terrible.
(both laugh)
You were gonna bail on me,
though, right?
Yes, I was.
I woke up to, like, eight
missed calls from Courtney
and, like, 1,000, like,
all-caps text messages,
and that's like...
Bought two cups of coffee
for the long drive home,
and I just...
just couldn't do it, man.
Had to come back for my boy.
(chuckles softly)
Look, man,
there's only one more stop,
and it's back in town anyway.
Why don't I just drop you
at Courtney's
and finish up myself?
And as far
as Jacksonville goes...
we're square.
Nah, dawg. Fuck it. I'm in.
Let's go get Lou back.
Besides, I mean, I'm in
such deep shit anyway,
what's another 20
minutes gonna do?
I mean, you can always
just blame it on me.
No, yeah, man. I already did.
She fucking hates
your guts, brah.
That's fair.
♪ Oh, you almost got me ♪
♪ Yes, I was starting to dum ♪
♪ Oh, then I remembered... ♪
What? Not that!
Now put gas, bro.
-Which one? Which one?
-Gas!
♪ Was my greatest contender... ♪
(both laugh)
Should we freak out
this white couple?
Yeah.
♪ Throw it all at me ♪
♪ Never, ever, ever gonna stop
till I'm free... ♪
(both laugh)
♪ You can give me all you got ♪
♪ Can throw it all at me ♪
♪ Never, ever, ever gonna stop
till I'm free ♪
♪ I'm sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Till my work is done ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah,
I'm sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Till my work is done... ♪
A Jew and a black guy.
(both laugh)
♪ Sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Sticking to my guns... ♪
Last one.
Can't believe the minivan
made it all the way here intact.
Hmm. Cue lightning strike.
-Timber.
-(chuckles)
Massive Illinois sinkhole
swallows Honda Odyssey whole.
Maybe nothing bad will
happen on this trip.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this Chevalier's house?
I mean, you said it yourself.
Fans are weird.
"Hey, homie G's.
"Join me in the man cave,
won't you?
Hehehe."
I hate "hehehe."
-We got to stop with "hehehe."
-Agreed.
(knocks on door)
-Hey, girl.
-Hey, girl.
Hey, you found it!
Uh, come on, come on in.
What's going on? Have a drink.
No, no, no. Just, uh...
just the ashes.
We're in a bit of a rush.
What... is this place?
It's great, right?
I mean, fully stocked
with top-shelf booze
and decorated top to bottom
with all Lou
official memorabilia.
It's great, it's like, uh,
Planet Hollywood, except better.
(chuckling): If you
can believe that.
So, come on, come on,
come on, one drink.
Uh, nah, man.
Uh, we're good.
Like I said, we got to motor.
Okay, well, um, let me--
let me rephrase, then.
Uh, no drink, no ashes.
I can do one drink.
-It's Europe somewhere, right?
-Yeah, I mean, like,
-you know, I'm not a monster.
-Yeah, nice!
(bottle opens)
So, you're pretty, um...
a major collector, huh?
Yes, sir.
Oh, cool. You even got
a replica albino Burmese
python like Jake.
No, that-that is Jake.
No, it's not Jakey!
Jake "The Snake."
"The Snake" Roberts.
Oh, hey, buddy. It's Dad. Oh.
-ALF: He looks fit.
-Yeah, he was not cheap.
Had to fly all the way
to the Middle East to get him.
Yeah, some Saudi sheikh
bought him
off of the Deep Web
or something. I don't know.
(chuckles)
Is that a lock of my hair?
Indeedy do, it is.
Got that in a silent auction.
The one that you did
for Lox For Love,
the Jewish deli that donates all
its proceeds to cancer research.
It's cool, huh?
Yes.
Oh, my God. Is that the outfit
Lou was wearing when he died?
Yes, sir. Look at that.
What is this?
Ooh, this--
prize of the collection.
This is the actual tile
that split Lou's skull open.
Damn.
Still some brain splatter
on it and everything.
Yeah, it's in
mint condition.
Ooh, cheers.
Uh, thank you so much.
I think we need to go now.
Yeah, we can take
those ashes, please.
Oh, no, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
I didn't show you
the coolest thing.
-Check this out.
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, fuck.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the actual gun
that Gilbert Arenas
and Javaris Crittendon
and Lou got into that
Mexican standoff with.
-It's still loaded.
-Fuck. Please.
So, come on.
Can we please get lit?
(whimpers)
♪ Burn that mic one time
when I touch floor ♪
♪ Not really with it,
so I come up... ♪
You know what I hate?
You know what I hate?
What you hate?
What has happened
to Stevie's hair.
I know. I know.
It is a Shonda.
Bud, let's go ahead and
toss a hat on there.
Bro, for real. And no advisor?
-What's the...?
-Nobody's like, "Hey, man."
We need
the Predator-length style
that starts at the top?
At the midhead.
-Midhead, there.
-I mean,
you-you want to... We-we...
You can make
a-an all bad hair team.
Stevie Wonder.
-God, he's got a lot.
-He's running point on that.
He's running point, you know.
♪ Puttin' in the time before
they put me in the earth ♪
♪ This is nothing, I be
racking up bars with a gun ♪
♪ I said the vision 'cause me
razor never cut me with a bat. ♪
this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to beautiful
Jacksonville, Florida.
Current local time is 4:20.
And please be careful when
opening overhead compartments,
as the many, many bags
of sticky icky icky
may have shifted in flight.
We thank you for flying
-Chron Air.
-RONNIE (laughs): Chron Air was
-way better than Air Bud.
-You know, 'cause of
-Con Air.
-Yeah. No, I got it.
Yo, yo, can you
believe this shit?
They got 'Pac
performing at Coachella.
I told you
Makaveli was alive!
You owe me another
Jet Ski, dawg.
He's not alive,
motherfucker.
It's a hologram.
And it's corny as fuck.
You know what? If I die,
you better make sure
I never become a hologram.
You two. I'm serious.
I'll come back.
-BOTH: Bet.
-Matter of fact, Craig,
notarize this shit right now.
I hereby
give the rights
of my hologram to Alf and Ron
so I might never become
a fucking hologram.
-Thank you.
-Fine.
-Amen.
-I'll file it with Ronnie
and Jake the Snake's pre-nup.
-Oh, shit.
-(siren blaring)
-Guys, we got company.
-LOU: No shit.
Everywhere we land is like
a fuckin' championship parade.
-RONNIE: Fact.
-CRAIG: No.
-We got bad company.
-ALF: You better
be talkin' about
Paul Rodgers,
Simon Kirke, Mick Ralphs
and Boz Burrell.
CRAIG: No, not the band
Bad Company.
I'm talking about the police.
ALF:
You better be talkin'
about Stewart Copeland,
-Andy Summers and Sting.
-Why would
two classic rock outfits
be waiting for us on the tarmac?
RONNIE: Speaking of
classic rock outfits,
what's with your lace-up
leather pants, you fuckin' dork?
You look like
Steven Tyler's mic stand.
-(laughter)
-Ha. Ha.
-ALF: You look like
you do close-up magic.
-(laughter)
Police! Get out of the plane!
ALF: I'm surprised
you're not wearing
one of those
low-slung belts
off the belt loop
with the, like,
metal discs on it. Oh.
-I am.
-Oh.
Just wrapped out
a tour with Daughtry.
Guys, I'm talking
about actual law enforcement
outside...
right now.
-They're gonna raid the plane.
-RONNIE: All right, so,
walk out there
in your bent-toe snakeskin boots
and... take care of it.
There's no taking
care of it.
We're in Florida,
Lou is a rapper.
Someone has to take the fall
for the pounds and pounds
of marijuana we
have on this plane.
So who should it be?
The once-in-a-generation talent,
the manager who cleans up
all the messes,
or one of the two friends?
♪ ♪
All right.
Rock, paper...
You're white.
I owe you one, brah.
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Same squad, same squad,
same squad ♪
♪ Droptop coupe,
dodge raindrops ♪
♪ Big bag plays on FaceTime ♪
♪ Squad ain't with me
then it ain't right ♪
♪ Same squad, same squad,
same squad ♪
♪ Cross moves quick like A.I. ♪
♪ Chains shine bright
like daytime ♪
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay. ♪
There's some Nerd Rope
in the glove if you want.
So we don't talk for six months,
and then all of a sudden,
you barge in
and invoke Jacksonville?
I needed you, and I knew
what you were gonna say.
Fuck you, dude.
Yeah, which is exactly why
I invoked Jacksonville.
So at least tell me
where we're going.
Ah, bah, bah, burr.
Jacksonville.
So we're actually
going to Jacksonville?
Buh, buh, buh, buh,
burr. Jacksonville.
Oh, I really missed you, dog.
You know, I'm sensing
some sarcasm in your voice.
If you really want to know why
I needed you, it's because I...
What? So you can come
and ruin my life...
again? Well, of course.
Soon as I get my shit
together, you just come
and you shit all over it.
And you're fucking toxic,
you know that?
Everything bad
that's happened to me
in my life is because of you.
Well...
you don't have to be so dramatic
about it, Alfonso Streisand.
It'll take two
hours, tops,
-which is why I really...
-Don't care!
All right? Jacksonville
does not include chitchat.
Really? I went
to jail for you.
You know what?
Fine. Jacksonville does
not include chitchat.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
ALF: This place is like
fucking "True Detective."
The good season that was
supposedly plagiarized,
not the one that fucking sucked.
What are we doing here?
Nothing. I just got to make a
quick, non-shady transaction.
Oh. You're buying drugs.
I should have known that
intervention wasn't gonna last.
You mean that ambush
you planned for me?
Oh, you know, I'm so sorry
that I didn't want you to die.
I was actually concerned.
You were so concerned
that you didn't even show up.
And then you ghosted on me
for six months.
You know,
maybe I was busy digging myself
out of the crater you created
when you sent Courtney
a sex tape of me and my cousin.
(rhythmic beeping)
(dog barks in distance)
(line ringing)
LAFONSO:
Go for L'fonz!
Hey, Pops. (scoffs)
You're not gonna believe this.
Ronnie showed up and cashed in
an I.O.U. I couldn't refuse.
So now he's got me in the middle
of God-fucking-knows-where
doing God-fucking-knows-what.
Yeah, I honestly
might kick his ass.
LAFONSO: Oh, come on, now.
I think it's good
you two are hanging out.
Maybe time you, uh,
gave him another shot.
Hey, uh...
hey, are you eating?
I mean, okay,
I know I'm not your sponsor,
but I thought we weren't
snacking between meals.
LAFONSO:
Hey, now, I'm just...
I'm just chewing
some Calorette.
Meal-flavored gum, like
Nicorette but for food addicts.
(Lafonso smacks lips)
Oh, sorry.
Uh, is it good?
LAFONSO: Some are better
than others.
The chicken Kiev's
a little bland.
I like the fajitas.
You know, people can change,
son, if you let them.
-(Alfonso munching)
-I know.
LAFONSO: Maybe Ronnie's
different now, too.
-Nope.
-(phone beeps off)
I knew it!
I knew it was fucking drugs!
-It's not drugs.
-Then what's in your hand?
It's Lou.
-What?!
-Well, it's probably like
a tenth of Lou, and maybe
even only half of that is Lou.
Amir definitely stepped
on it with some dog ashes.
He owns a yes-kill shelter
called Amir One Impounds.
Well, I'm gonna need you
to run that back,
like, all the way, please.
When I sold Lou's
ashes to Amir,
he split them up
and sold them
to some presumably
very fucked-up people.
Fans are so fucking weird.
-Gross.
-So what?
This is your Jacksonville, huh?
You just want me to ride along
with you shotgun while
you pick up Lou's ashes?
And then we're square?
-Yeah. And do you want
to know why?
-Nah, man.
Just hurry the fuck up.
Unlike you, I've got
a life to get back to.
Wow. Really hit me
with both barrels, huh?
Sheesh.
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing
a song ♪
♪ Bad, bad, bad King Kong ♪
♪ Bad, bad,
bad King Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing
a song ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ King-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah
king-ah king-ah Kong ♪
♪ Let's sing a song ♪
♪ Let's sing a song... ♪
ALF:
Uh, the fuck is this?
I know we're not
speaking right now,
but I thought maybe we could
not speak to each other
over a few burgers?
I've-I've got to get back
to Courtney, all right?
You said a couple hours.
It's been three.
And I just got back
from a business trip,
so she's pissed at me not
answering my calls or my texts.
Well, it sounds like you're
in the doghouse already.
What's another 20 minutes?
Plus, Phil Rosenthal put
this burger on his Instagram,
gave it three and
a half "plotzes."
All right, fine,
but no talking, all right?
Just noshing.
Maybe a little fressing.
(instrumental
rock music playing)
RONNIE: This place is
kind of the real deal, huh?
ALF: Yeah, it's real
deal something.
-Get out.
-What?
Nah, you look like the guy
from the movie "Get Out."
I mean, as much as you do, bro.
I mean, that's... What?
(Ronnie chuckles)
You, uh... you're going
on business trips now.
Yup.
And you're living
with your girl.
Yup. Everything's good.
And the baby.
Yup, baby's good.
Name?
Yup. The baby has a name.
Jesus Christ, man.
It's Jasmine.
That's adorable, man.
Good for you.
Thank you.
Is it as hellish
as everyone says?
You know, 'cause I couldn't
give up my freedom, and I know
Daddy over here needs
his 13 hours,
or he's a real Oscar the Grouch.
Actually, I love
everything about it.
You know what I mean? You make
it sound like it's a jail,
when, really, it's
the most profound experience
a human being can go through.
Selflessness.
You should look into it, dawg.
I didn't...
mean to equate parenting
to going to jail.
As someone who has been
to jail--
Okay, we get it.
All right? You did me
a solid many years ago.
I'm here, all right?
I'm paying you back.
I'm doing Jacksonville.
We're about to be square.
Been to jail yesterday.
I got arrested yesterday.
What?
Aw, man.
Brah, what happened?
I, um...
I got busted for selling Oxy.
I'm out on bail.
Whole thing's not great.
But I did flip
like a bitch on Amir,
so they think they'll be able
to cut me a good deal.
(chuckles) How pissed
were your parents
when they had
to come bail you out?
Oh, they didn't.
They refused.
Yeah, my mom's
still pretty salty
about me ending
her marriage
and the lives of Taffy I and II.
And my dad...
(clicks tongue)
...my dad was the bait
in the sting operation
that brought me down.
(chuckles): Oh, shit. So, wait,
so Shayna bailed you out?
(chuckles)
Wrong again, my friend.
No, I was using Shayna's
storefront as a drug front.
So I think,
with the whole debacle,
I ended up costing her
about an eight-figure buyout
to Yankee Candle.
Ooh!
(chuckles)
I mean, that's
a Yankee Candle Doodle Dandy.
(both chuckle)
Do you want to hear what
the most unbelievable thing is?
I'm having a hard time believing
any of this, man. (chuckles)
Craig bailed me out.
What? How is that old
piece of shit?
Well, he's doing this
very ill-advised country look.
-(chuckles): Oh, no.
-He's managing
the Waylon Jennings estate,
I guess. (chuckles)
But, wait, why would
he bail you out?
(chuckles)
Well...
do you remember that napkin
that we both signed?
Mm-hmm.
Apparently,
it was legally binding,
and you and I are the, uh,
co-owners of Lou's hologram.
And Craig wants to take
the hologram out on tour
for this, like, dead rapper
hologram extravaganza
or something.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
So that's what this
is all about, huh?
-What?
-You trying to butter me up
so I'll sign away my half
of the rights to the hologram?
But I bet-- I bet you thought
this was gonna be like one
of those classic
road trips, right,
where, like,
we start out as enemies,
then slowly become friends,
and then I sell out Lou?
Let me guess--
the minivan's supposed
to get more
and more fucked up as we go.
I would never be that cliché.
And, besides, my mom loves
that minivan.
If it gets even
one scratch on it...
-(exhales) ...she'll kill me.
-Bro, straight out
of the script. That's exactly
what you're supposed to say.
Relax, guy.
I told Craig no.
Obvi.
I mean, you really think
I would do something like that?
Nah, man. I'm sorry.
It's fine. I deserve it.
I've done a lot
of really terrible things.
But I'm really working hard
to change.
And I just thought maybe
if you saw me collect the ashes
and clean up one
of my mistakes...
It's cool.
Drinks?
I'm actually fine
with some water,
-actually. Thank you.
-Water, for me. (chuckles)
(chuckles)
I find that I'm--
maybe it's me getting older,
I don't know--
I just don't even think
about having a drink.
You know, honestly, me too.
Courtney and I just, like,
split a glass of white wine,
if we drink at all.
I'm noticing I've lost
some weight in my face.
Yeah, I just find that, like,
waking up early in the morning
is just so much easier.
And I don't even miss it,
you know?
Once you put a sparkling water
in my hand...
It's really just
the muscle memory, you know?
-Don't need it
to have a good time.
-Mm-hmm.
-I could do one drink though.
-Just one would be fine,
-I think.
-I think one drink is good.
♪ A bottle of red ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ A bottle of white ♪
♪ It all depends ♪
-♪ Upon your ♪
-♪ Where you're in ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ Things are okay with me
these days ♪
♪ I got a new job,
I got a new office ♪
♪ I got a new wife,
I got a new life ♪
♪ And the family's fine ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Brenda and Eddie
had had it already ♪
♪ By the summer of '75 ♪
♪ From the high to the low
to the end of the show ♪
♪ For the rest of their lives ♪
♪ Nobody looked any finer ♪
♪ Or was more of a hit
at the Parkway Diner ♪
♪ We never knew we could want
more than that out of life ♪
-♪ Oh... ♪
-♪ Surely ♪
♪ Brenda and Eddie would
always know how to survive ♪
(piano solo)
♪ That's all I heard
about Brenda and Eddie ♪
♪ Can't tell you more
'cause I told you already ♪
♪ Here we are waving at Brenda
and Eddie good-bye ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh... ♪
Sing that song
one more fucking time!
That guy just went full nuclear.
I mean, this is America.
Yeah. Like, you don't just...
pull out a gun
in place of saying "please."
(phone buzzing)
You're blowing up, kid.
Are you gonna get that?
You know, you can.
I won't bother you.
Nah. You know, it...
(clicks tongue)
...it's just gonna be,
like, a huge thing.
We're having, like,
a good time, you know?
Like, listen, I'll call her back
later or whatever.
I mean, it's kind of
a classic night.
Yeah.
All right.
So...
(clears throat)
...let's get this
show on the road.
Look out.
Oh, shit.
You really don't drink anymore.
Here we go.
Buddy, man, you're doing
a real number on somebody's car.
I mean, in my defense,
does this not look
the exact same as my mom's car?
It is uncanny.
I don't think I can drive.
Shit, I know I can't.
(chuckles)
All right, let's Uber
to a motel or something.
Yeah.
Oh, we should probably
move the car to, like,
a non-tow away zone, though.
The bartender didn't seem
to be a fan.
Okay.
How 'bout over there?
You think we can make it?
ALF: Oh, yeah.
That's 20 feet. Easy.
One of us drives,
one of us guides.
Bingo, buddy. Oop.
-Still locked.
-This one.
ALF:
Keep coming.
Just keep com... 'Kay.
Keep coming. Keep coming.
You have tons of room.
I want you
to crank it left, 'kay?
To m-- All the way left, man!
Hello?!
Back. Back.
-Back. Back.
-Back.
BOTH: Back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back,
back, back, back, back, back.
-Back, back, back, back, back.
-Oh, wow! You win.
-You got a real flair
for the guidance aspect.
-Mm.
-I'll drive.
-Okay.
-(engine revs)
-Okay! Easy does 'er.
(engine revs)
(Ronnie whooping, laughing)
RONNIE:
Look out! Fuck!
-(man shouts)
-(woman screams)
(tires screech)
Perfect.
Yo. Question.
Yeah.
So, if your whole plan
was to show
that you're a changed dude
by collecting
all the ashes, why not
just collect all the ashes
and then show up at my door?
You-you know?
Why waste your Jacksonville,
like, making me come with?
Well...
I guess I was kind of hoping
this would happen.
What, we drink 200 shots
and have
a crossing guard competition?
No, that we would hang out.
You know?
Stop hating each other.
It's like you said
with the road trip thing.
Only...
not going so we could sell
our friend's hologram.
So we could be cool
with each other again.
And I kind of think
that's what happened.
You know what I mean, my dawg?
My dawg?
-(snores)
-(chuckles)
(sighs)
(birds singing)
(groans softly)
Alf?
(vehicle approaching)
Hey, I thought you left, dude.
Nah, bud. Just grabbing us
a couple coffees.
Hop in.
Did you really think I was
gonna just bail on you
when you were asleep?
No.
I mean...
I don't know. No.
No, that's fair. Yeah,
no, you're right.
I mean, I did, after all, bail
on you for the past six months.
I should've checked in.
That's my bad, dawg.
It's okay. We're good, G.
And you are not toxic, brah.
Look, I've got us
into plenty of shit myself.
I'm pretty toxic. (laughs)
It's okay.
I'm just glad you're back.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, it got awkward there
for a minute.
-Was it a little awkward
between us?
-Yeah, right?
Like, we were, like, doing,
like, small talk and shit.
Who were those guys?
I didn't even recognize them.
Ah, we were, like, minutes away
from talking about how small
the apartments are in New York.
But still so expensive.
Well, I mean,
you're paying for the city.
-Oh, and the pizza.
-Yeah.
Which is what I hate about L.A.
You know, you can't find a good
slice or a bagel anywhere.
I mean, it's the water,
is what it is.
Which is crazy considering
we freak the fuck out
when it rains
while we're driving.
But we need it.
You know what I don't need?
My waiter at Sugarfish
taking my order
like he's auditioning
for "Speechless."
Is everybody an actor?
Trust me, bro. No Zawa-way
you're gonna make it.
Why don't you just move
back in with your "edamama"?
It's peak TV.
There's so many shows
and so many platforms.
And yet still nothing to watch.
Just because it's a half hour
does not make it a comedy.
And you can't watch the news.
Oh, God! Just when I think
it's at its craziest.
Whoopsie doodle,
he does it again.
That's why they hate us.
You know what I miss?
I miss being able
to walk into a store
and actually touch something
before I buy it.
Have you seen this
documentary on Netflix?
You know what
the problem is?
Every kid
gets a trophy nowadays.
(both laugh)
Ugh.
Is that what normal people
sound like?
-I guess. (laughs)
-Ugh.
Fucking lame.
Normals are terrible.
(both laugh)
You were gonna bail on me,
though, right?
Yes, I was.
I woke up to, like, eight
missed calls from Courtney
and, like, 1,000, like,
all-caps text messages,
and that's like...
Bought two cups of coffee
for the long drive home,
and I just...
just couldn't do it, man.
Had to come back for my boy.
(chuckles softly)
Look, man,
there's only one more stop,
and it's back in town anyway.
Why don't I just drop you
at Courtney's
and finish up myself?
And as far
as Jacksonville goes...
we're square.
Nah, dawg. Fuck it. I'm in.
Let's go get Lou back.
Besides, I mean, I'm in
such deep shit anyway,
what's another 20
minutes gonna do?
I mean, you can always
just blame it on me.
No, yeah, man. I already did.
She fucking hates
your guts, brah.
That's fair.
♪ Oh, you almost got me ♪
♪ Yes, I was starting to dum ♪
♪ Oh, then I remembered... ♪
What? Not that!
Now put gas, bro.
-Which one? Which one?
-Gas!
♪ Was my greatest contender... ♪
(both laugh)
Should we freak out
this white couple?
Yeah.
♪ Throw it all at me ♪
♪ Never, ever, ever gonna stop
till I'm free... ♪
(both laugh)
♪ You can give me all you got ♪
♪ Can throw it all at me ♪
♪ Never, ever, ever gonna stop
till I'm free ♪
♪ I'm sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Till my work is done ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah,
I'm sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Till my work is done... ♪
A Jew and a black guy.
(both laugh)
♪ Sticking to my guns ♪
♪ Sticking to my guns... ♪
Last one.
Can't believe the minivan
made it all the way here intact.
Hmm. Cue lightning strike.
-Timber.
-(chuckles)
Massive Illinois sinkhole
swallows Honda Odyssey whole.
Maybe nothing bad will
happen on this trip.
Wait a minute.
Isn't this Chevalier's house?
I mean, you said it yourself.
Fans are weird.
"Hey, homie G's.
"Join me in the man cave,
won't you?
Hehehe."
I hate "hehehe."
-We got to stop with "hehehe."
-Agreed.
(knocks on door)
-Hey, girl.
-Hey, girl.
Hey, you found it!
Uh, come on, come on in.
What's going on? Have a drink.
No, no, no. Just, uh...
just the ashes.
We're in a bit of a rush.
What... is this place?
It's great, right?
I mean, fully stocked
with top-shelf booze
and decorated top to bottom
with all Lou
official memorabilia.
It's great, it's like, uh,
Planet Hollywood, except better.
(chuckling): If you
can believe that.
So, come on, come on,
come on, one drink.
Uh, nah, man.
Uh, we're good.
Like I said, we got to motor.
Okay, well, um, let me--
let me rephrase, then.
Uh, no drink, no ashes.
I can do one drink.
-It's Europe somewhere, right?
-Yeah, I mean, like,
-you know, I'm not a monster.
-Yeah, nice!
(bottle opens)
So, you're pretty, um...
a major collector, huh?
Yes, sir.
Oh, cool. You even got
a replica albino Burmese
python like Jake.
No, that-that is Jake.
No, it's not Jakey!
Jake "The Snake."
"The Snake" Roberts.
Oh, hey, buddy. It's Dad. Oh.
-ALF: He looks fit.
-Yeah, he was not cheap.
Had to fly all the way
to the Middle East to get him.
Yeah, some Saudi sheikh
bought him
off of the Deep Web
or something. I don't know.
(chuckles)
Is that a lock of my hair?
Indeedy do, it is.
Got that in a silent auction.
The one that you did
for Lox For Love,
the Jewish deli that donates all
its proceeds to cancer research.
It's cool, huh?
Yes.
Oh, my God. Is that the outfit
Lou was wearing when he died?
Yes, sir. Look at that.
What is this?
Ooh, this--
prize of the collection.
This is the actual tile
that split Lou's skull open.
Damn.
Still some brain splatter
on it and everything.
Yeah, it's in
mint condition.
Ooh, cheers.
Uh, thank you so much.
I think we need to go now.
Yeah, we can take
those ashes, please.
Oh, no, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
I didn't show you
the coolest thing.
-Check this out.
-Oh, shit!
-Oh, fuck.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the actual gun
that Gilbert Arenas
and Javaris Crittendon
and Lou got into that
Mexican standoff with.
-It's still loaded.
-Fuck. Please.
So, come on.
Can we please get lit?
(whimpers)
♪ Burn that mic one time
when I touch floor ♪
♪ Not really with it,
so I come up... ♪
You know what I hate?
You know what I hate?
What you hate?
What has happened
to Stevie's hair.
I know. I know.
It is a Shonda.
Bud, let's go ahead and
toss a hat on there.
Bro, for real. And no advisor?
-What's the...?
-Nobody's like, "Hey, man."
We need
the Predator-length style
that starts at the top?
At the midhead.
-Midhead, there.
-I mean,
you-you want to... We-we...
You can make
a-an all bad hair team.
Stevie Wonder.
-God, he's got a lot.
-He's running point on that.
He's running point, you know.
♪ Puttin' in the time before
they put me in the earth ♪
♪ This is nothing, I be
racking up bars with a gun ♪
♪ I said the vision 'cause me
razor never cut me with a bat. ♪