Chad & JT Go Deep (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Shmole Island - full transcript
What up, council? I am JT Parr.
As the chugger,
I had moments of harrowing self-doubt,
and I had to rely on the words
of a total legend to steel my nerves.
- I'm scared.
- You're scared?
- Did you hear me?
- I hear you.
Dude, you got this.
I mean,
it goes thousands of times, honestly.
And once we get this tube to you
with the booze in there,
it's gonna come in the moment.
It's natural to have nerves.
You've performed before. You know that.
Thanks, brother.
That's all I needed to hear.
Switching back to the channel
we're already on.
This is for the cliffs.
Can y'all put
some canola oil on the top
so that shit doesn't fizz?
- A little slight spritz.
- Yeah.
All right, administering booze.
All right, send it.
When you're ready to administer
the booze, you tell us for the cliffs.
For the cliffs. Let's do it.
Releasing.
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
- Yeah! We did it for the cliffs!
- For the cliffs.
- Yeah, boys! Let's go!
- We did it!
Ask him how JT's doing.
How is JT doing?
I don't know where JT
is going right now.
- Copy.
- He's kind of walking away.
- He might be crying a little bit.
- Oh shit.
He's crying?
Dude, he's...
- How's he doing down there?
- All good now.
Oh, there he is.
- We are on the way.
- Yeah! Got one!
Being surrounded by environmentalists...
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
...I knew we couldn't fail.
I think the beer bong was pretty stupid.
I don't...
I don't see any entertainment from it,
except people just getting drunk
in a stupid way.
We saved the cliffs! Yeah!
- That hurt.
- Dude, that felt so good. Yeah.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.
Council, we are asking,
in light of this heroic deed,
that you formally recognize
the Isla Vista cliffs
as a place of special historic interest.
Will you do that, council?
This council doesn't have any jurisdiction
over Santa Barbara.
This is Newport Beach.
Right.
Isla Vista got me so fired up.
Dude, me too.
I think surfers are gonna be really stoked
on this shmole decal.
Yeah, dude. Oh, I can't even look at it.
Shmole.
A shmole is this dumb name
that the boys made up to describe me.
I got to be completely honest with you,
it never bothers me. I love it.
And that's me being vulnerable with you.
There's always one shmole to every squad.
Kevin's our shmole.
It's like, he's family.
So he's at the barbecue,
but he's at the other end of the table,
and you're okay with that.
That's the shmole, dude.
Hey, what up, dude?
- How are you?
- Legend.
Welcome to El Porto Surf Shop.
- Thank you.
- Psyched to be here.
What's your name, dude?
- Cooper.
- You want to cruise in?
Dude, is that a muffin?
Banana and, like,
fucking pecan or some shit.
Dude, sick.
- Dude, that's so good.
- It's pretty fire.
What happened to the dude
who we were making a sail with?
Tor?
Did he just leave?
He does that sometimes.
That's what's up.
What do you think
about buying these off of us?
The whole stack?
- Yeah.
- Oh shit.
As, like, the number one shark deterrent...
- Shark deterrent?
- ...in the surf industry?
Because he looks a little goofy?
Why are the sharks afraid?
Exactly.
Because of the science
behind eyes on a board,
where that deter sharks
because they think it might be a predator.
We put Kevin's face around it
to, like, double the effect.
This is our shmole, Kevin.
He's off-kilter with the rest of the crew,
doesn't vibe with anyone,
and everyone is repelled by his vibes.
And we know for a fact that sharks
will feel the same way.
I got you.
- So, how long have you been here?
- This is my first day.
- What?
- Dude, Coop.
- Every day is my first day.
- Yeah.
What were you doing before this?
Nothing.
Living on the beach. Chilling.
Pack, what do you think about this?
Pack. I own this place, dude.
What's up, dude?
- I love the culture here.
- Oh, man. Oh, dude.
Dude, this is a...
This is a repulsive cat.
Right, yeah. He's a shmole.
How many of these things do you guys have?
Fifty, and we want to sell them for 200...
for, like, 300 bucks,
because we paid 200 for all of them.
- Is that a muffin?
- Yeah.
- I had some. It's really good.
- It's banana.
- I've been sharing all morning.
- Yeah.
Oooh! Uhh!
- Sweet, my brother.
- Is this dieseler?
That's the private reverse, actually.
They call it that because it gets you
so faded you spell "reserve" wrong.
Yo, that is sick.
Nice.
You guys on Venmo?
Let's get these decals into the osh.
- Who is that?
- Kevin.
This is our shmole.
Shmole?
A shmole is a re-knob.
Basically, the guy...
- A re-knob?
- Yeah.
You know, we don't have the slightest idea
what you're talking about.
I've surfed with that
for, like, two weeks now.
No shark attacks.
That's...
I mean, I surfed for two weeks, too.
No shark attacks.
I got to ask. I got to be...
What are you guys on? Are you like...?
- Stoke.
- You're on the stokes or something?
- Yeah.
- I mean, okay. That's... All right.
This is stupid.
That is such a good idea.
Dude, I am so stoked
you guys are hooking me up with this.
- Ah, that's so set.
- Dude.
- Thanks. You guys made my day.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You made our day. Thanks, dude.
- All right.
Are you heading out,
or did you just get out?
I just got out, yes, because I kick ass
all the time, every day out here.
- Moon to camera?
- Yeah, go for it.
Surfer style, bro.
- Oh, dude.
- I just saw your sac.
Legend, dude.
Do you have anybody in your friend group
who ruins the hangs?
Oh yeah. Tyler.
- Tyler?
- He's just a real buzzkill, man.
- What does he do?
- Talks shit all the time.
Kevin always says he's an alpha.
Alpha? That?
No, he sucks big wang.
- Dude!
- Nice.
- Solid.
- Let's go.
He ruined our hang the other day.
We were having a pool dunk.
- This cat?
- He ruined our annual pool dunk.
A pool dunk is where you do
a continuous alley-oop
that culminates in a massive dunk.
And Kevin was just shmoling it up
the whole time.
Ooh!
The pool dunk is one of the sickest things
you can do with your boys,
but Kevin always finds a way to ruin it.
I mean, every year.
Come on, guys! We can do this!
Wow!
Why is he here?
Hell, yeah!
No, Kevin, can I talk to you
out of the pool, dude?
No, no, no.
Let's go over here.
- What's up, dude?
- I'm just trying to spice it up a bit.
Too much spice.
- I think you might have to bail.
- You want me to leave?
- Yeah, dude.
- Yeah. Sorry.
They have asked me to leave things
in the past on several occasions,
and sometimes I just,
you know, go to Catalina.
Catalina's like if you're like,
I got a weekend off, what should we do?
And you don't know what to do.
Maybe we should go to Catalina finally.
And you go, and you're like,
"That was nice."
We're here, baby.
Catalina, let me hear you scream!
Catalina, in my opinion,
is the chillest place in the world.
You can do pretty much anything
you want to do there.
I like to fish.
Oh my God.
Look at the dong on that fish. It's huge.
My favorite thing is to get sucked off
by Old Ben.
There's no other place on Earth where
you can bang a seal and not be shunned.
Look at this view.
I'm never leaving this island.
Chad and JT, suck it.
Whoa!
Dude,
as soon as Kevin left for Catalina,
a huge weight lifted off
everyone's shoulders.
I mean, Chad and JT were so stoked, dude.
What the fuck?
Oh hell, no!
- Hey, you guys want to join?
- No, bro!
I don't know about you,
but I've felt, like, amazing
since Kevin left.
Dude, me too. I've been like so relaxed.
I've been so stoked.
- He's been on Catalina for a while.
- Yeah.
I kind of wish he could stay there
all the time.
Yeah, it would be, like,
cool to get all the shmoles on Catalina.
- Yeah. To, like, stay there?
- Yeah. Forever.
That'd be sick.
Now we'll have public comments
on agenda and non-agenda items.
What up, council? My name is Chad Kroeger.
So, my dawg JT and I
made a really sick discovery
that we think will be a pretty massive
boon to the community.
Uh, shmoles love Catalina Island.
And recently, the shmole of our squad,
Kevin, went to Catalina.
And life without him
has been really, really sick.
And we had this epiphany.
What if we sent
all the shmoles to Catalina?
We think it'd be really sick
if you guys could provide
some incentives for them
to want to go there.
My colleague JT will provide
further clarificaysh.
And thank you so much. Love you.
Thank you.
What up, council?
We plan to personally speak
with Catalina businesses
and have them sign up
for our shmole program.
Don't worry about
how to identify the shmoles.
We've designed green bandanas
with QR codes that will scan
so they can redeem their discounts.
We are pumped you support our initiative
to change Catalina into Shmole Island.
- Did you tell Kevin we were coming?
- No.
I didn't want to interrupt him.
He's in flow.
I cannot find out where the fuck
they shot Step Brothers.
It's kind of nice.
- Yeah. Shmoley, but it's cool.
- Yeah.
Let's go to some local businesses
and see if we can get them onboard
with some shmole discounts.
Ooh!
- Hello. What up? How's it going?
- Hi, how are you guys?
We're not here to pick up cookies.
We're actually here to help you
with the cheddar, as they say.
We got a huge influx of shmoles
who are coming into town.
- Shmoles?
- Yeah.
What the heck's a shmole?
It's like you got your,
like, group text thread
with a shmole on it and all your homeys,
and another text thread
with just your homeys.
Okay.
Well, why do you want to send
all these shmoles to Catalina?
We don't want to hang out with them.
- You send them here to hang out with us.
- Yeah.
- Cool. Hope they're cool.
- Sweet.
They're not.
If you do, like, a 25% discount
on "female body inspector" shirts,
they'll fly off the shelves.
Like, we have a track record
that speaks for itself.
- We've applied to be on Shark Tank twice.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know. It just doesn't sound
like a very great idea to me.
- You have whipped cream here, yes?
- Yes.
You can maybe call it,
like, a cinnamon jizz roll,
and we offer splooge in our coffees.
You have to write those words down
so I can remember them.
Right. "Splooge" is spelled "S-P-L... ooge."
- Got it.
- And "jizz" is spelled...
"G... "how do you spell "jizz"?
"J-I-Z."
We'll put it down in writing,
and if we're not able to deliver on that,
then my mom will reimburse you
on any losses you make.
Well, that sounds good to me.
Sweet. Well, sounds good, man.
- It's going pretty well.
- I think so.
- I think we're kind of crushing it.
- Yeah.
I've been really surprised
at how many businesses are,
like, open to discount.
We should get back to L.A. and
start getting shmoles to come to Catalina.
But where are we going to find them?
The guys had heard of these
things called NFTs,
which sound super shmoley.
So they created a few of their own,
knowing that anyone
willing to purchase them
was probably a shmole
and fit for relocation.
What you guys are selling,
what's the intrinsic value?
It has something called scarcity,
which means that there's only one of them
on the market.
I get it, but I'm preparing you
for people who are actually smart
because most people
on this planet are stupid.
- Oh, bummer.
- Comprende?
- What are you selling?
- Non-fungible tokes.
- It's a...
- Talk to me. Speak to me.
You're gonna get a digital copy,
and that's gonna remain...
- Look... Listen.
- I'm in the middle of a sale, bro.
Don't be an asshole.
They're talking to me.
Hey, bro, don't worry about it.
Sit there and eat your fucking
cheap-ass nachos while they talk to me.
- Don't be disrespectful.
- He just interrupted them.
Hey, they came to talk to me first.
- And I came to talk to them.
- Don't worry.
If I walk outside,
you're gonna shit your fucking pants.
Hey, guys, we got a lot of money
on the table right now.
No, dudes, let's relax.
Guys, we can sell it to both of you.
Fuck you, you peasant!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
It's supposed to be
a non-fiction transaction.
Don't fight.
You ugly-ass peckerwood!
You're a badass! You're a fucking badass!
- Guys, relax.
- What's up, dawg?
You think this is CNN? I'll fuck you up!
I will fucking murder you, bro!
Bitch, fuck you!
I can sell you guys two copies.
It's cool.
Here's a photo of us scootering.
It created
a little bit of a bidding war at the bar.
Oh, dude.
- Are you interested in an NFT?
- I'm serious!
- We can sell one to you too, man.
- Yeah.
Hold on. That's our only one.
- No!
- Oh no!
No! Dude!
My balls are bigger
than your fucking face, homey!
I think it was pretty successful.
Dude, honestly,
I like that those guys don't take shit.
Yeah.
When Kevin left the squad,
I was fired up at first too.
Then when Chad and JT started to change,
they were kind of tough to be around.
First, it was the clothes they wore.
- Are those new shades?
- Yeah, dude.
BluBlockers.
- Don't I look sick?
- Yeah, they're huge.
- Thank you.
- How about these bracelets?
I saw them at Brass Plum at Nordstrom's.
I said, "I gotta have them."
- Yeah, they're tight.
- Nice.
Then some of the things
they said.
Can I get a "fillet mig-non"
and a Adiós, Motherfucker?
Whatever you see here,
that's all we have.
If I bring you my protein powder,
you think you could mix it up
into some oat milk for me,
and I could drink that?
I crushed this sick-ass documentary
about wolves of Yellowstone,
and it's actually something
called a trophic cascade.
When the wolves of Yellowstone
were removed from Yellowstone,
the deers became bitches.
They kept feeding on the grass
and eating all the herbs,
and that changed the ecosystem
of Yellowstone
for the worse.
When they reintroduced wolves
to Yellowstone,
a.k.a. shmoles,
they ate the deers.
The population went down.
The vegetation came back.
So by removing the original shmoles,
which are wolves,
the deers became the shmoles.
When they removed Kevin,
Chad and JT became the shmoles.
Did you guys come from the aquarium?
Not yet.
Blows. Don't even go.
Talked to Troy,
said we can hit the cougar bar tonight.
Yes.
Find some MILFs.
I think my approach line is just gonna be,
like, "Hey, I want to bust a load."
Brass tacks. I love it.
Still want the photo of you
with, like, you and the lighthouse?
Yeah, just make it look
like it's my piece.
Like a fat cock?
Yeah.
One of the worst things
they did as shmoles,
when I think I finally had enough,
they said, um...
"We're just gonna be assassins."
And they kept calling themselves
pussy assassins.
And they'd call themselves 006 and 009.
And I was like,
what?
- What's up, dude?
- What's up?
We got some pizza and soda.
Oh, nice.
Is that a big sausage pizza?
Did you pay online or...
- You take crypto?
- You mean like Venmo, or...
You know Daddy has Doge. You take Doge?
- Uh, no.
- You got to get into crypto.
- Why are you not on crypto?
- That's funny.
- You guys live here, or...
- Yeah, I do.
It looks really nice.
It's his mom's, dude.
- Okay.
- I'm an activist.
- What?
- Are you not familiar with our activism?
Not... No, not entirely.
Why was that funny?
How could you not know
about our activism, bro? I mean...
I will need payment,
I mean, all that aside.
You ever see this much money before, bro?
Um, I have, actually.
Where'd you see that much money? Casino?
No, I kind of have a history with, like,
gambling problems in my family, so...
Wow, that was the bummer
of the summer right there.
That bummered me out, dude.
Sorry, I don't know
what you guys are talk...
I don't know half the terms you're saying.
I find this whole situation
isn't sitting well with me.
What do you mean?
You are making fun of me.
Obviously, it's a job
that I don't want to do.
Normally at the door is the exchange.
Sorry, we've just been, um...
I-I don't know.
We've just been kind of off, I guess,
because our buddy Kevin,
he went to Catalina,
and he's like our shmole friend and he,
like, is just kind of a big re-knob.
And now we're just
kind of feeling a little bit off.
- Do you know what a re-knob is?
- Uh, no.
It's a boner backwards.
Okay.
Were we being re-knobs to you?
We're not hanging out,
but I did kind of get
those vibes.
- Those vibes?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry too.
I don't know. I really...
I overreacted, so I'm sorry.
- No, not at all.
- No.
No, dude, you were legit.
Hope you score some fat tips.
Have a good rest of your night.
Were we being, like, shmoley to that guy?
Yeah.
Do you think with Kevin gone,
there's like no balance in the squad?
Yeah.
I think we need to get Kevin back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
As the chugger,
I had moments of harrowing self-doubt,
and I had to rely on the words
of a total legend to steel my nerves.
- I'm scared.
- You're scared?
- Did you hear me?
- I hear you.
Dude, you got this.
I mean,
it goes thousands of times, honestly.
And once we get this tube to you
with the booze in there,
it's gonna come in the moment.
It's natural to have nerves.
You've performed before. You know that.
Thanks, brother.
That's all I needed to hear.
Switching back to the channel
we're already on.
This is for the cliffs.
Can y'all put
some canola oil on the top
so that shit doesn't fizz?
- A little slight spritz.
- Yeah.
All right, administering booze.
All right, send it.
When you're ready to administer
the booze, you tell us for the cliffs.
For the cliffs. Let's do it.
Releasing.
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
- Yeah! We did it for the cliffs!
- For the cliffs.
- Yeah, boys! Let's go!
- We did it!
Ask him how JT's doing.
How is JT doing?
I don't know where JT
is going right now.
- Copy.
- He's kind of walking away.
- He might be crying a little bit.
- Oh shit.
He's crying?
Dude, he's...
- How's he doing down there?
- All good now.
Oh, there he is.
- We are on the way.
- Yeah! Got one!
Being surrounded by environmentalists...
Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs! Cliffs!
...I knew we couldn't fail.
I think the beer bong was pretty stupid.
I don't...
I don't see any entertainment from it,
except people just getting drunk
in a stupid way.
We saved the cliffs! Yeah!
- That hurt.
- Dude, that felt so good. Yeah.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.
Council, we are asking,
in light of this heroic deed,
that you formally recognize
the Isla Vista cliffs
as a place of special historic interest.
Will you do that, council?
This council doesn't have any jurisdiction
over Santa Barbara.
This is Newport Beach.
Right.
Isla Vista got me so fired up.
Dude, me too.
I think surfers are gonna be really stoked
on this shmole decal.
Yeah, dude. Oh, I can't even look at it.
Shmole.
A shmole is this dumb name
that the boys made up to describe me.
I got to be completely honest with you,
it never bothers me. I love it.
And that's me being vulnerable with you.
There's always one shmole to every squad.
Kevin's our shmole.
It's like, he's family.
So he's at the barbecue,
but he's at the other end of the table,
and you're okay with that.
That's the shmole, dude.
Hey, what up, dude?
- How are you?
- Legend.
Welcome to El Porto Surf Shop.
- Thank you.
- Psyched to be here.
What's your name, dude?
- Cooper.
- You want to cruise in?
Dude, is that a muffin?
Banana and, like,
fucking pecan or some shit.
Dude, sick.
- Dude, that's so good.
- It's pretty fire.
What happened to the dude
who we were making a sail with?
Tor?
Did he just leave?
He does that sometimes.
That's what's up.
What do you think
about buying these off of us?
The whole stack?
- Yeah.
- Oh shit.
As, like, the number one shark deterrent...
- Shark deterrent?
- ...in the surf industry?
Because he looks a little goofy?
Why are the sharks afraid?
Exactly.
Because of the science
behind eyes on a board,
where that deter sharks
because they think it might be a predator.
We put Kevin's face around it
to, like, double the effect.
This is our shmole, Kevin.
He's off-kilter with the rest of the crew,
doesn't vibe with anyone,
and everyone is repelled by his vibes.
And we know for a fact that sharks
will feel the same way.
I got you.
- So, how long have you been here?
- This is my first day.
- What?
- Dude, Coop.
- Every day is my first day.
- Yeah.
What were you doing before this?
Nothing.
Living on the beach. Chilling.
Pack, what do you think about this?
Pack. I own this place, dude.
What's up, dude?
- I love the culture here.
- Oh, man. Oh, dude.
Dude, this is a...
This is a repulsive cat.
Right, yeah. He's a shmole.
How many of these things do you guys have?
Fifty, and we want to sell them for 200...
for, like, 300 bucks,
because we paid 200 for all of them.
- Is that a muffin?
- Yeah.
- I had some. It's really good.
- It's banana.
- I've been sharing all morning.
- Yeah.
Oooh! Uhh!
- Sweet, my brother.
- Is this dieseler?
That's the private reverse, actually.
They call it that because it gets you
so faded you spell "reserve" wrong.
Yo, that is sick.
Nice.
You guys on Venmo?
Let's get these decals into the osh.
- Who is that?
- Kevin.
This is our shmole.
Shmole?
A shmole is a re-knob.
Basically, the guy...
- A re-knob?
- Yeah.
You know, we don't have the slightest idea
what you're talking about.
I've surfed with that
for, like, two weeks now.
No shark attacks.
That's...
I mean, I surfed for two weeks, too.
No shark attacks.
I got to ask. I got to be...
What are you guys on? Are you like...?
- Stoke.
- You're on the stokes or something?
- Yeah.
- I mean, okay. That's... All right.
This is stupid.
That is such a good idea.
Dude, I am so stoked
you guys are hooking me up with this.
- Ah, that's so set.
- Dude.
- Thanks. You guys made my day.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You made our day. Thanks, dude.
- All right.
Are you heading out,
or did you just get out?
I just got out, yes, because I kick ass
all the time, every day out here.
- Moon to camera?
- Yeah, go for it.
Surfer style, bro.
- Oh, dude.
- I just saw your sac.
Legend, dude.
Do you have anybody in your friend group
who ruins the hangs?
Oh yeah. Tyler.
- Tyler?
- He's just a real buzzkill, man.
- What does he do?
- Talks shit all the time.
Kevin always says he's an alpha.
Alpha? That?
No, he sucks big wang.
- Dude!
- Nice.
- Solid.
- Let's go.
He ruined our hang the other day.
We were having a pool dunk.
- This cat?
- He ruined our annual pool dunk.
A pool dunk is where you do
a continuous alley-oop
that culminates in a massive dunk.
And Kevin was just shmoling it up
the whole time.
Ooh!
The pool dunk is one of the sickest things
you can do with your boys,
but Kevin always finds a way to ruin it.
I mean, every year.
Come on, guys! We can do this!
Wow!
Why is he here?
Hell, yeah!
No, Kevin, can I talk to you
out of the pool, dude?
No, no, no.
Let's go over here.
- What's up, dude?
- I'm just trying to spice it up a bit.
Too much spice.
- I think you might have to bail.
- You want me to leave?
- Yeah, dude.
- Yeah. Sorry.
They have asked me to leave things
in the past on several occasions,
and sometimes I just,
you know, go to Catalina.
Catalina's like if you're like,
I got a weekend off, what should we do?
And you don't know what to do.
Maybe we should go to Catalina finally.
And you go, and you're like,
"That was nice."
We're here, baby.
Catalina, let me hear you scream!
Catalina, in my opinion,
is the chillest place in the world.
You can do pretty much anything
you want to do there.
I like to fish.
Oh my God.
Look at the dong on that fish. It's huge.
My favorite thing is to get sucked off
by Old Ben.
There's no other place on Earth where
you can bang a seal and not be shunned.
Look at this view.
I'm never leaving this island.
Chad and JT, suck it.
Whoa!
Dude,
as soon as Kevin left for Catalina,
a huge weight lifted off
everyone's shoulders.
I mean, Chad and JT were so stoked, dude.
What the fuck?
Oh hell, no!
- Hey, you guys want to join?
- No, bro!
I don't know about you,
but I've felt, like, amazing
since Kevin left.
Dude, me too. I've been like so relaxed.
I've been so stoked.
- He's been on Catalina for a while.
- Yeah.
I kind of wish he could stay there
all the time.
Yeah, it would be, like,
cool to get all the shmoles on Catalina.
- Yeah. To, like, stay there?
- Yeah. Forever.
That'd be sick.
Now we'll have public comments
on agenda and non-agenda items.
What up, council? My name is Chad Kroeger.
So, my dawg JT and I
made a really sick discovery
that we think will be a pretty massive
boon to the community.
Uh, shmoles love Catalina Island.
And recently, the shmole of our squad,
Kevin, went to Catalina.
And life without him
has been really, really sick.
And we had this epiphany.
What if we sent
all the shmoles to Catalina?
We think it'd be really sick
if you guys could provide
some incentives for them
to want to go there.
My colleague JT will provide
further clarificaysh.
And thank you so much. Love you.
Thank you.
What up, council?
We plan to personally speak
with Catalina businesses
and have them sign up
for our shmole program.
Don't worry about
how to identify the shmoles.
We've designed green bandanas
with QR codes that will scan
so they can redeem their discounts.
We are pumped you support our initiative
to change Catalina into Shmole Island.
- Did you tell Kevin we were coming?
- No.
I didn't want to interrupt him.
He's in flow.
I cannot find out where the fuck
they shot Step Brothers.
It's kind of nice.
- Yeah. Shmoley, but it's cool.
- Yeah.
Let's go to some local businesses
and see if we can get them onboard
with some shmole discounts.
Ooh!
- Hello. What up? How's it going?
- Hi, how are you guys?
We're not here to pick up cookies.
We're actually here to help you
with the cheddar, as they say.
We got a huge influx of shmoles
who are coming into town.
- Shmoles?
- Yeah.
What the heck's a shmole?
It's like you got your,
like, group text thread
with a shmole on it and all your homeys,
and another text thread
with just your homeys.
Okay.
Well, why do you want to send
all these shmoles to Catalina?
We don't want to hang out with them.
- You send them here to hang out with us.
- Yeah.
- Cool. Hope they're cool.
- Sweet.
They're not.
If you do, like, a 25% discount
on "female body inspector" shirts,
they'll fly off the shelves.
Like, we have a track record
that speaks for itself.
- We've applied to be on Shark Tank twice.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know. It just doesn't sound
like a very great idea to me.
- You have whipped cream here, yes?
- Yes.
You can maybe call it,
like, a cinnamon jizz roll,
and we offer splooge in our coffees.
You have to write those words down
so I can remember them.
Right. "Splooge" is spelled "S-P-L... ooge."
- Got it.
- And "jizz" is spelled...
"G... "how do you spell "jizz"?
"J-I-Z."
We'll put it down in writing,
and if we're not able to deliver on that,
then my mom will reimburse you
on any losses you make.
Well, that sounds good to me.
Sweet. Well, sounds good, man.
- It's going pretty well.
- I think so.
- I think we're kind of crushing it.
- Yeah.
I've been really surprised
at how many businesses are,
like, open to discount.
We should get back to L.A. and
start getting shmoles to come to Catalina.
But where are we going to find them?
The guys had heard of these
things called NFTs,
which sound super shmoley.
So they created a few of their own,
knowing that anyone
willing to purchase them
was probably a shmole
and fit for relocation.
What you guys are selling,
what's the intrinsic value?
It has something called scarcity,
which means that there's only one of them
on the market.
I get it, but I'm preparing you
for people who are actually smart
because most people
on this planet are stupid.
- Oh, bummer.
- Comprende?
- What are you selling?
- Non-fungible tokes.
- It's a...
- Talk to me. Speak to me.
You're gonna get a digital copy,
and that's gonna remain...
- Look... Listen.
- I'm in the middle of a sale, bro.
Don't be an asshole.
They're talking to me.
Hey, bro, don't worry about it.
Sit there and eat your fucking
cheap-ass nachos while they talk to me.
- Don't be disrespectful.
- He just interrupted them.
Hey, they came to talk to me first.
- And I came to talk to them.
- Don't worry.
If I walk outside,
you're gonna shit your fucking pants.
Hey, guys, we got a lot of money
on the table right now.
No, dudes, let's relax.
Guys, we can sell it to both of you.
Fuck you, you peasant!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
It's supposed to be
a non-fiction transaction.
Don't fight.
You ugly-ass peckerwood!
You're a badass! You're a fucking badass!
- Guys, relax.
- What's up, dawg?
You think this is CNN? I'll fuck you up!
I will fucking murder you, bro!
Bitch, fuck you!
I can sell you guys two copies.
It's cool.
Here's a photo of us scootering.
It created
a little bit of a bidding war at the bar.
Oh, dude.
- Are you interested in an NFT?
- I'm serious!
- We can sell one to you too, man.
- Yeah.
Hold on. That's our only one.
- No!
- Oh no!
No! Dude!
My balls are bigger
than your fucking face, homey!
I think it was pretty successful.
Dude, honestly,
I like that those guys don't take shit.
Yeah.
When Kevin left the squad,
I was fired up at first too.
Then when Chad and JT started to change,
they were kind of tough to be around.
First, it was the clothes they wore.
- Are those new shades?
- Yeah, dude.
BluBlockers.
- Don't I look sick?
- Yeah, they're huge.
- Thank you.
- How about these bracelets?
I saw them at Brass Plum at Nordstrom's.
I said, "I gotta have them."
- Yeah, they're tight.
- Nice.
Then some of the things
they said.
Can I get a "fillet mig-non"
and a Adiós, Motherfucker?
Whatever you see here,
that's all we have.
If I bring you my protein powder,
you think you could mix it up
into some oat milk for me,
and I could drink that?
I crushed this sick-ass documentary
about wolves of Yellowstone,
and it's actually something
called a trophic cascade.
When the wolves of Yellowstone
were removed from Yellowstone,
the deers became bitches.
They kept feeding on the grass
and eating all the herbs,
and that changed the ecosystem
of Yellowstone
for the worse.
When they reintroduced wolves
to Yellowstone,
a.k.a. shmoles,
they ate the deers.
The population went down.
The vegetation came back.
So by removing the original shmoles,
which are wolves,
the deers became the shmoles.
When they removed Kevin,
Chad and JT became the shmoles.
Did you guys come from the aquarium?
Not yet.
Blows. Don't even go.
Talked to Troy,
said we can hit the cougar bar tonight.
Yes.
Find some MILFs.
I think my approach line is just gonna be,
like, "Hey, I want to bust a load."
Brass tacks. I love it.
Still want the photo of you
with, like, you and the lighthouse?
Yeah, just make it look
like it's my piece.
Like a fat cock?
Yeah.
One of the worst things
they did as shmoles,
when I think I finally had enough,
they said, um...
"We're just gonna be assassins."
And they kept calling themselves
pussy assassins.
And they'd call themselves 006 and 009.
And I was like,
what?
- What's up, dude?
- What's up?
We got some pizza and soda.
Oh, nice.
Is that a big sausage pizza?
Did you pay online or...
- You take crypto?
- You mean like Venmo, or...
You know Daddy has Doge. You take Doge?
- Uh, no.
- You got to get into crypto.
- Why are you not on crypto?
- That's funny.
- You guys live here, or...
- Yeah, I do.
It looks really nice.
It's his mom's, dude.
- Okay.
- I'm an activist.
- What?
- Are you not familiar with our activism?
Not... No, not entirely.
Why was that funny?
How could you not know
about our activism, bro? I mean...
I will need payment,
I mean, all that aside.
You ever see this much money before, bro?
Um, I have, actually.
Where'd you see that much money? Casino?
No, I kind of have a history with, like,
gambling problems in my family, so...
Wow, that was the bummer
of the summer right there.
That bummered me out, dude.
Sorry, I don't know
what you guys are talk...
I don't know half the terms you're saying.
I find this whole situation
isn't sitting well with me.
What do you mean?
You are making fun of me.
Obviously, it's a job
that I don't want to do.
Normally at the door is the exchange.
Sorry, we've just been, um...
I-I don't know.
We've just been kind of off, I guess,
because our buddy Kevin,
he went to Catalina,
and he's like our shmole friend and he,
like, is just kind of a big re-knob.
And now we're just
kind of feeling a little bit off.
- Do you know what a re-knob is?
- Uh, no.
It's a boner backwards.
Okay.
Were we being re-knobs to you?
We're not hanging out,
but I did kind of get
those vibes.
- Those vibes?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry too.
I don't know. I really...
I overreacted, so I'm sorry.
- No, not at all.
- No.
No, dude, you were legit.
Hope you score some fat tips.
Have a good rest of your night.
Were we being, like, shmoley to that guy?
Yeah.
Do you think with Kevin gone,
there's like no balance in the squad?
Yeah.
I think we need to get Kevin back.
Yeah.
Yeah.