Central Russia's Vampires (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode 1 - full transcript

Near Smolensk, the police find bloodless bodies. A Moscow investigator is engaged in a high-profile case, not suspecting that it is worth looking for answers from an ordinary student.

Whether you want to believe it or not...

We exist.

We live among you.

Among people.

We are you.

We just drink blood.

Most of us are ordinary people.

Each of us has their own problems and joys.

And each of us has hunger.

How do we fight it?

Just like you.

When you're hungry,
you go to a supermarket.

But supermarkets don't sell what we need.

So we go to a restaurant.

Or a bar.

Or a club.

Where the prey finds its hunter.

Hi there!

Veshki village. 300 rubles.


Why so serious?

Come on, let's go!

We only hunt for wounded prey.

Wounded in the head.

Or with a totally absent moral compass.

One might even say that
we're the janitors of the humankind.

We are the only ones who care about you.

Guys! I don't think it's my stop.

But it seems like your final one.

And here's the main difference between us.

When hunting, we don't kill our prey.

We always leave it with a choice.

Either to remain potential prey.

Or never to cross our hunting trail again.

Don't freeze your ass off.


Allumenieum milk can.

Ma'am, the correct spelling
is 'aluminum.'

And what's with the "fuck" here?

You can't use swear words in a report.

You can't use swear words.

And can you steal milk cans
from old people?

Anna Petrovna.

Would you give me a stapler?

A stapler? Sure.

Don't forget to bring it back.

Get back to writing. Stay focused.


When was the last time you got fresh air?

Good afternoon, sir!

Are you giving me a vacation?

Yeah. In Veshki village.

Some thugs got killed
in a birch forest there.

And who's going to find my milk can?


That's more important, right?

In reply to the question
of my subscriber BlackSatan2002...

After a vampire bite,
the victim doesn't remember what happened.

They just feel sick for a couple of days,
and that's all.

Remember, many of you felt like this...

You suddenly have a fever.

A headache.

You take some pills.

And blame the guy who sneezed
next to you in the supermarket.

Sounds familiar, right?

No, it might really be that guy.

But in fact...

Zhenyok, are you a complete idiot or what?

Oh, that grumbling again.

You've only been a vampire
for a few days...

And you're already showing off
like a mayor at the fair.


Come on, Grandpa Slava.

I'm getting better and better
at controlling myself.

And this is just...

Just a vlog.


Why did I convert you?

Not to post some vampire shit
on the internet.

They say that vampires
are afraid of sunlight.


Vampires don't reflect in mirrors.

And you are telling everyone the truth?

First of all, not everyone.
Just to my subscribers on YouTube.

Yes, there are 3,000 of them.

But most of them are around 14.

Who would believe a teenager
who watches some idiot on YouTube?

An idiot from their parents' point of view.

You're an idiot from all points of view.

And you will stay an idiot forever.

Holy cats and mackerel!

Did you bring these three babies?


My first trophy.

Did it go quiet?

I don't have to worry, do I?

Cemetery quiet.

Who found the bodies?

A local, over there. Was gathering wood.

Send the report straight to me.

It's of no use anyway.

The usual story.

"I was walking. Oh my God!
There they were."

It's useless.

Get off the phone.

— Hi, Anya!
— Hi! What do you have?

I have prostatitis, a pregnant cat,
and two days till vacation.

And you have two bodies.

The approximate time of death is 8 AM.

The cause of death is blood loss.



You heard right.

They lost all blood.

Looks like it's going to be a big case.

The Moscow officials are already here.

We're all shaking.

Thank you.

Good day, sir!

Captain Ostroumova, Smolensk Police.

Captain Zhalinsky,
Directorate of Serious Crimes.

Are there no murders in Moscow now?

So you come here.

No, why? There's plenty.

Phew, that's a relief!

It seems to be a series.

There have been similar murders
with bloodless bodies.

In Mytischi and Yaroslavl.

So we need to cooperate.

By the way...

Does Captain Ostroumova have a name?

And a middle name too.

Anna Petrovna.

May I call you Anya?

You may call me Anna Petrovna.

Okay, Anna Petrovna.

Please report all information
on this case directly to me.

Can I see the materials
on Mytischi and Yaroslavl?

You can.

But you may not.

Get to work.


Long life to you, Grandpa Slava.

You really are an idiot.

Is that blood?

It's full of chemicals.

What do people eat nowadays?

I'm sorry. I brought what I could find.

Come on, the holidays are coming.
Belarusians will come to town.

And we'll have clean blood without GMO's.


That's good.

Too starchy but good anyway.

Are you in labor?


I'm developing my superpower.

You can fly. And what can I do?

Shit with heat.

That's not much of a superpower.

I want to move things with my mind.

It'll come eventually.

Grandpa Slava!

Look! Look!

Did you kill the guys in Veshki?

Converting this halfwit was a bad idea.

You said the same thing to me
seventy years ago.

And I still believe it.

Halt! You go left.

You go right.

Don't shoot each other. I'll check here.

Grandpa! What are you doing here?

Lie down quick!

Can't you hear the shooting?

Girl, they are shooting every day.

Do I have to crawl all the time?

Nice shot! You got him in flight.

Grandpa, come on!

Crawl along the fence, will you?

Forget it.

Don't worry. I'm bulletproof.


Come on.

You can't die.

Who's going to kill these bastards?

There's only one left.

Tell my guys there's only one left.


I won't let you die.

Do you want to live forever?

No, Grandpa.

It's a bad idea.




Drink. You need to live.

You'll thank me.


Enough with the past.

What did this little sucker do?

He left a trail of bodies.


And evidence.


Thank you.

Looks like we found your superpower.

You're the biggest imbecile
the world has ever seen.

I took a liter out of each, and that's it.

That's it. And I left them to recover.

Like you taught me. They were all alive.

I checked.

He says he checked.

All three were breathing, I'm telling you.

He's telling me.


Get him to the ICU and call Jean Ivanovich.

— And if he's not here?
— Then take him straight to the morgue.

Jean Ivanovich, are you in there?

Jean Ivanovich, they need you at the ICU.

I'm coming!

Me too.

Catch up.

He's coming back.

Well done! Didn't spoil the statistics.

Hey, messier! Can you hear me?

Hey! Talk to me. Stay with me.

Look at me.

Where am I?

You're in the hospital, mon chéri.
Tell me what happened.

He crashed into the hospital fence
in a BMW.

Valera, when you'll be lying here,
I'll be hearing your sad stories.

And now I need him to talk to me.

— Hey!
— He's off again.

Then let's bring him back.


Shock. Stand clear.

He's back.

200 mg of Lidocaine.

Lucy, where have you been?
We need blood for transfusion.

What's his blood type?

His blood type is...



Three units.


That's weird.

Elevated cholesterol.

Atherosclerosis is getting younger.

So you say an inspector came from Moscow?

It means it's going to be a big case.

And if it's going to be a big case,
we should wait for...

The Keepers.

Who are these Keepers?
Why are you so afraid of them?

Speaking of the sun, prepare a sunscreen.

Good day to you, Irina Vitalyevna!

Are you sure it's good?

Svyatoslav Vernidubovich.

I know about the Veshki murder.

Irina Vitalyevna, my dear,
I'll give it to you straight.

That's not us.

Wasn't I pagan, I would've crossed myself.

I don't care who did it.

I have the Treaty.

Of 17... whatever year.


It clearly states that
for murdering a human...

The vampire is immediately
sentenced to death.

In your case, two vampires.

We know the law.

And follow it.

I really want to hope so.


Could it be your puppy who did it?

No, that's not him.
He has a brain like an oyster.

And he's scared of everything.

Help us find who's responsible.

It's in your best interest.

We'll help.

Anya here will dig him
from under the ground.

Hurry up.

We will.

Irina Vitalyevna, one more thing.

I called the mayor's office
about the asphalt on our street.

It has huge holes, and I just...

So when it comes to a real problem,
you chicken out?

Russia, damn it!

Leaches! Bloodsuckers!

No Stalin on you.

Or Ivan the Terrible.

Or both.

— So?
— So up your ass.

We need to find this murderer, Anya.

Or they'll hang it on us.

And this ball-scratcher will be worm food.

Along with one of us.


So the Keepers are just ordinary people?

Why can't we just can kill them
and live without your stupid laws?

Law is order.

It helps us to remain human.

— We're vampires!
— You're a half-witted dipshit.

You'll get it.

If you live long enough.

Which is unlikely.

The Moscow guy said
there had been similar murders.

I'll find out.

Find out, girl. Please do.

Go ahead.




— Hi!
— I wanted to...

Have you heard this song?

Sounds like the anthem of Smolensk.

They're dying like worms in a pile of shit.

Why not the national anthem?

I want to talk to you.

Let's talk.

Anna Petrovna.

Is this Yaroslavl or Mytischi?

This is classified information.

Just tell me, did the other victims
lose blood in the same way?


Then the killer knows exactly what to do.

He might have something
to do with medicine.

I don't think I asked
for audience assistance.


Aren't we on the same side?

Why are you withholding information?

Remember, Captain.

I'll only share what I want to share.

You dig up the rest.

By the way...

They found the blood of a third person
at the Veshki murder scene.

Might be the killer's.

Let's make an agreement.

From now on, you'll be
giving me information.

Not vice versa.

Get to work.

Or were you promoted to captain
because of your good looks?

And long legs.

Feeling sentimental, Grandpa Slava?

Singer Elvis Presley died in Memphis.

I didn't know you're a fan of Elvis.

You really have an empty bucket for a head.

I don't care about Elvis.

I love Valera Leontyev.

I never listened to him while he was Elvis.

When he came here and became Leontyev,
his talent really started to shine.

Bonjour, gentlemen!

Put this in the fridge.

Hi, Grandpa!

The zipper is stuck.

How did you pee when you were human?



Do we have a new breadwinner now?

That's great.

Frankly speaking...

I'm getting tired of providing for you all.

Don't worry, Jean.

It won't be long now.

Soon there'll be fewer spongers, right?

Bite your tongue!

That's what I'm saying.
It tastes like elk sperm.

I've already tasted this blood today.

Any news?

I'm working on it.


Okay. I'm on my way.

Looks like I found the third guy.

How did you get the information?

Thanks to my good looks and long legs.

Go, Jean. Go ahead.

You and Anya are my only hope.

You're smart.

Not like this one...

Don't shit yourself.


It's humiliating.
Jean can at least read blood.

It's bullshit.

But still...

Don't say that.

This bullshit brought many people
back from the dead.

People used to die like flies in Smolensk.

That's when Jean became a doctor?


He already was a doctor.

That's when he became a vampire.

Which one of you
is doctor Marquis Deschamps?

Damn it!

The Russians are already here.


I'm looking for Jean-Claude Deschamps!

He came for you.

Here's Monsieur Deschamps.

No, no. Monsieur Deschamps is wounded.

He's wounded. Look, there he is.


You ruined my coat.


Where's doctor Deschamps?


What are you telling me?

Where's doctor Deschamps?

Get out of here.

What a bastard!

And he calls himself a marquis.


Drink, asshole!

You need to work.

And did he stay in Smolensk after that?

I don't get it. He could go anywhere.

To France or to some Maldives.

He could.

Why didn't he?

It's nice here.


Just please don't push him too hard.

He woke up just an hour ago.

He has more drugs in him
than a pharmacy.

Thank you.

And where's the guy?

Went for a walk?

Are you kidding?

In his condition,
he could only go that way.


Tell me, where's our friend?

He was here the whole time.

Second floor.

He could jump out of the window.

I'll check.

I mean I'll check outside.

What a mess!

Both in the police and in the hospital.

Does no one give a damn about their work?

This is the first time
something like this happened.

I need the footage from all security
cameras in the hospital.

And the surrounding area.

Captain, we performed a surgery
by candlelight last week.

Like in the old days.

And you say cameras.


Good afternoon!

Anna Petrovna told me to report to you.



Yeah, right.


The BMW that crashed into the hospital
fence belongs to Sergey Baranovsky.

Sorry, I forgot the middle name.

He's a psychology student
at Smolensk University.

Lives at 15 Kutuzova, apartment 53.

— That's all?
— That's all.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, that's not all.

The tire marks of the BMW
are identical to those left in Veshki.


We lost a suspect.

Excuse me...

Do you need his middle name?

Who even hires such idiots?

He's a good guy.

Our best officer, by the way.

He just got nervous
in front of Moscow superiors.

If he's your best, I'm afraid to ask
where your worst are.

They got promoted to Moscow.

C'est la vie.

The number you're calling
is currently unavailable.

Damn it!

Look how far it has come.

I'm sorry, Olga.

You should've thought about that earlier.

Why don't you answer the phone?

We agreed that I would call you
if I needed blood.

It's been a month.

How do you live?

It's none of your business how I live.

You didn't care about it 81 years ago
when you dumped me.

Please don't start.

It's your fault.

You converted me out of love.


We have all eternity ahead of us.

Not necessarily.

Do you remember what happens
to vampires who break the Treaty?

Yes, so what?

It's been a month since the last time
you asked me for blood.

Bloodless bodies were found
in Veshki tonight.

One of them belongs to your student.

A coincidence? I don't think so.

You're watching too much TV.

You're changing the subject.

You shouldn’t have taken him
out of the hospital.

He had every chance to survive.

I don't understand
what you're talking about.

Stop it.

You killed them.

Dear Jean...

Let me shatter your radiant illusions.

And logical arguments.

I spent last night with a man.

Yes, can you believe it?
I have lovers.

What did you think?

That I'm the same silly girl?

Who was going to drool over you
for the rest of her life?

I hope your lover really exists.

And can confirm it.

Of course.

And tell the Keepers that,
first, I respect the Treaty.

And second...

If I kill someone...

It will be you.

You take my coffin one more time,
I'll push your fangs into your head.

It was just for five minutes. For a video.

A video!

Don't scratch it, dumbhead.

Grandpa Slava,
what do you need the coffin for?

You told me that
all these tales about vampires...

That they are afraid of garlic
and sleep in coffins...

That it's bullshit.

Don't you confuse...

Bullshit with traditions.

Atheists don't believe in God
but still hide eggs on Easter.



I've been bending my brains.

Could it be your countess
who had fun in Veshki?

She's never had any control.

Olga said that last night
she had romantique.


Pardon muah.

Just think of it.

"She said."

You had as many girls as a dog has flies.

And you're as naive as a little baby.

You can't believe women
and weather forecasts.

The guy from the hospital is still missing.

And what does your Moscow friend say?


Looks like we have
to break into his laptop.

Did you watch too much news
about Russian hackers?

And did you forget
who's the first candidate for being dead?


I can try, I guess.

— But steal the laptop first.
— No way.

We only need information.

Then we can put a USB stick into it,
and I'll download the data remotely.


You get into the computer thingy.

And you get into your captain's head.

You might dig up something better.

Yes, please do.

What do you mean into his head?


I'll tell you later.

What the hell?

The old grumbler can fly.

This one can get into people's heads.

And I'm a loser.

Grandpa Slava!

Do you know he calls you
an old grumbler?

I didn't say that, Grandpa Slava!

How do you do it?

Listen, young grumbler!

Go there, put it in, and download it.

I'm not going anywhere.

I mean, I can't put it in there
and download it here at the same time.


I have a surgery in an hour.

Or another breeding experiment
between a vampire and a nurse?

I wish.

The vampire race is degenerating.

Uncle Jean, can you miss the surgery?

I can.

If the patient replaces his own kidney.

No, don't.

All right, screw you.

If you want a thing well done,
do it yourself.



I'm sorry for being too harsh with you.

It's just that we don't usually get cookies
when people come here from Moscow.

It's a natural defense response.

So I thought we could be friends.



She's definitely cute.

Soft hand.

Slender fingers.

Won't let go of my hand.

To our meeting!

Grandpa, I respect old people,
but if you dirty the floor, I'll curse you.

I've been cleaning it all day.

Okay, don't worry. I respect discipline.

I lived in the Soviet times.

The bird sure got fatter.


I can promise you
maximum support in this case.

And not just in this case.

To put it simply...

You can count on me.





Is she obsessed with hands or what?

And what do you think about
the ritual killing hypothesis?


Could be.

I've been thinking about it.

Ivan, are you dumb? She's hitting on you.

Why not? She's hot.

That's probably how she made it to Captain.

It's too noisy here.

Let's go to my room.

Have some wine.

Talk about the murders.


But only to work.

If you want sex, I'm out.

No, I...

I didn't mean it.

To have sex.


Thank you for the evening, partner.

See you tomorrow.

The person you're calling is
on another line.

Damn it!

So? Is it coming?


The shitflow.

I got a signal. Downloading.

Okay, son.



Holy sun and its rays!

— I forgot something.
— To shake my hand?

It's your first time in Smolensk.

And I didn't even offer
to show you around.

Do you want me to give you a tour?

No, I don't.

Okay, you're not missing anything.

It's better not to look
at Smolensk too close.

The mind gave us steel wings for arms.

And a flaming engine for a heart.

Are you all right?
Should I call an ambulance?

Thank you.

I'm not going to die today.

But if you change your mind
about the tour, I'm at your service.

Thank you, I won't.

I locked the door.

The window was closed.

Someone moved the laptop.

The maid?

Yeah, she opened the window,
used my laptop, and didn't put it back.

It's Smolensk. It happens.

Someone tried to download the data.

Are you all so paranoid in Moscow?

I have a hook program installed.

Someone definitely tried to hack it.

I got the address.

Looks like I need a tour after all.

It didn't download?
What do you mean it didn't?

I tore my pants because of you!

They were almost new.

Less than 80 years old.

Come on, Grandpa Slava!

I'll buy you joggers
for your 1000th birthday.

Better buy yourself some brains.

No one makes such pants now.

Can you believe it?

An old man had to jump from the 10th floor!

The hotel only has four.

It doesn't matter.

I was hanging there like a booger,
and it didn't download.

Okay, enough, stop it!


Captain Zhalinsky. Turn off the music.

Silence please.

We'll make an inquiry,
and you can continue your party.

Can we continue it with your girl?

Hey, Snow White!

Come sit on my lap.

I'll give you a ride.

Apologize to her.

Come on.

I wasn't going to hurt her.

Just touch.

Zhenyok, did you sneeze on anyone today?


Does stupidity spread by air?

Why the hell did you bring him here?

He needs help.

I didn't know if it was serious or not.

What if he died on the way to the hospital?

Is it better if he kicks
the bucket right here?

He stood up for me.

For the first time in 70 years,
a man got into a fight for me.

I couldn't leave him there.

He won't die.

It's not a fracture. A concussion at worst.

And meanwhile I'll see what he's hiding.

Are you a complete idiot?

That's why he's here.

Because we tried to break there.

Why am I an idiot? It was her idea.

Zhenyok isn't that stupid.

He used the bar's Wi-Fi after all.

Where am I?

In Smolensk.

Follow me finger.


You got hit in the head.

You passed out.

And I brought you to my place.

Meet my Grandpa.


And this is my brother Zhenyok.

You already know Jean Ivanovich.


Are you feeling better?

Let this be a lesson to you.

In our neighborhood...

During the war...

That's what people say.

Even the Nazis who didn't smoke
carried a cigarette with them.

Thank you. I've got to go.

No, stay here.

You'll get some sleep.

Have a rest.

And tomorrow...

And tomorrow will be tomorrow.

I'd better go.

— What are you doing?
— It's okay.

Why do you want him to stay?

First, he needs help.

He'll see that we are no enemies
and start trusting me.

And we'll learn the details
of those murders.

That's second.


And the third is that a man got in a fight
for you for the first time in 70 years?


Where will he sleep then?

He can't sleep with me.
My coffin is too small for two.

And he probably shouldn't see
the coffin anyway.

It's really too often, Irina Vitalyevna.

It's my duty, Svyatoslav Vernidubovich.

Is it a bad time?

Are you having dinner?

No, it's just...

A colleague of Anya.

Bullies hit him in the head.

And we're saving him.

That's admirable.

And did you learn something
about the Veshki murder?

We're on it.

Nothing then?

I see.

We'll take your puppy with us.

For you to think faster.

Right, Anya?

What do you want
with our little untermensch?

He isn't even a proper vampire yet.

That's good.

You should drown kittens
while they are still blind.

If you don't want to part with him...

We'll take anyone else from your pack.

Go ahead.

This is!



I've always been on your side.

I helped you.

When the fever was scything you down,
I helped you.

When the hordes of scoundrels
were raiding you, I helped you.

And now...

You help me.

How can I help you?

Just don't interfere.

We'll find the killer.

We will.

And if it's one of us...

I'll carry out the sentence.

With these hands.

I give you my word.

You have a week.

Oh, my back went out!

Hurts like hell!

Really bad.


Don't worry, he's asleep.

I think I wet myself.

Your Highness!

What brings you to our barn?

I'll just be a minute.

Tell your police dog
I learned something about that murder.

Come on in.

Take a seat, girl.

When will you stop fighting
with Anya already?

You're acting like kids.

Worse than bloggers.


That guy...

Excuse me.

What did you say about the murder?

Me and Anya are investigating
this case together.

You can tell me everything.

The guy that went missing from the hospital
yesterday turned out to be my student.

Sergey Baranovsky.

I asked his friends.

They said he often spent time in a garage
behind the music school.

The one with the graffiti on the gates.

He played there.

Go, girl. Go.

Thank you.

Who's she?

Uncle Jean's ex-wife.

She's weird.

That's why she's an ex.

Okay. Thank you. I've got to go.

Good luck!



I'll tell you a story.