Catastrophe (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

~ Are you working here?
~ Yes. I work for a US advertising firm...

.. and I'm opening a London office.

~ This is Fran. She's an old pal.
~ Great to meet you!

My guru Allan, he cured himself of prostate
cancer last year with walnuts.

What did he do - jam
them up his asshole?

~ I think you should leave!
~ I have cancer.

Hey.

Hey, are you awake?

Uh-uh.

~ Can I talk to you?
~ OK.

Can you open your eyes?



Listen, I know it's hard when you
can't sleep, but I was asleep

and don't you think it's
good if one of us sleeps?

No, I think it's good if
you make me feel better

~ and then both of us sleep.
~ I don't agree, but OK.

I keep getting very horny and very
depressed at the exact same moment.

~ It's awful.
~ It just sounds like hormones.

What if something
happens to the baby?

Nothing is going to
happen to the baby.

What if he has a weird-shaped head?
What if he needs a special helmet?

You should be thankful
they even do helmets now.

In the old days, if your baby
had a weird-shaped head,

he just grew into a man
with a weird-shaped head.

~ What if you die?
~ I had a full check-up
before I came over here.

Do you have life insurance?



No, but I'll get some. We'll
get you life insurance too.

OK.

Not too big a policy for me, though.

I don't want you to murder
me to get the money.

I'm not going to murder you.

When women get murdered,
it's like 85% of the time,

their husband did it. They'd
totally know it was me.

Even if I wanted to kill
you, I wouldn't kill you.

~ Or have you killed.
~ I won't kill you either.
~ Thanks, honey.

I keep getting this recurring
vision that I'm in a restaurant

and I have to go to the loo
but I take a wrong turn

and walk into the kitchen
where an Italian chef

is talking and gesticulating
and the knife he's holding

stabs me in the baby.

~ Y'know, because Italian people
talk with their hands.
~ Anything else?

Yes! The world is a toilet.

We might not kill each other, but
that doesn't mean terrorists won't.

Whether your government won't
start another war tomorrow

just fucking because.

You can't worry about
everything. There's too much -

~ there's Ebola, global warming...
~ I'm worrying about all that too.

We'll be fine.

But you know who global warming
WILL kill in our lifetime?

Bangladeshis. Just millions
of Bangladeshis.

And who gives a shit about them?

Why can't there be like a air-borne
gout that just kills rich people?

I'd like to wake up to news
that Monaco had been wiped out

by an avalanche of
poorly built palaces.

We're getting a little off...

Do you know what percentage
of greenhouse gases

~ Bangladesh produces?
~ No.

Roughly zero. But Bangladesh
is being eaten by the ocean

while we drive Range Rovers
to the mall to buy underpants

that were stitched by a
seven-year-old, who literally,

in 2015, is an indentured servant.

Let's just say slaves, because
their life is shit, in a ditch.

It's not even shit in a toilet.

Well, it won't get fixed by some
whining idiot lying in bed

lecturing a pregnant woman, will it?

Night-night.

Yeah, sleep tight, asshole.

SHE LAUGHS

~ 'Hello, Rob?'
~ Hey, Tony. How you doing?

OK. How's things in London town?

Really great. Really working out.
Are Greg and Mark joining us?

I'm here! Had to sneak off for
a call with the Crocs guys.

Sounds to me like they're having
trouble maintaining in Europe.

I'm like, maybe that's
because European people

aren't exclusively fat idiots who
wear Day-Glo rubber clogs, you know?

~ They have fat idiots here.
~ Less though, right?

~ Yeah, in general.
~ Rob, bit of an echo there.

Could you move a little closer
to the speakerphone?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Is Greg gonna join us?

~ No, he isn't. Listen.
Rob, are you sitting down?
~ Yes.

Greg had a stroke Friday night.

It was a bad one and he's in a coma.

Oh, my God! Is Ellen OK?

Not really. It's pretty fucked up.

~ Christ!
~ Just so awful.

Listen, I hate to switch gears so
abruptly but could we get an update

on what's shaking out over there?

It'd be great to get a clearer
idea of what you've been doing.

~ You're making inroads?
~ Oh, yeah, inroads, a lot.

I mean, there's Jeff's Cola,

which it looks like the
supermarket chain Lidl

are very keen to get behind.

So that's Jeff's.

Um... I'm just opening a spreadsheet.

Last week, I met with...

Hanley's.

They make pants for women
who cook a lot. Chef women.

They make women's chef's pants.

Huh. So what kind of budget they got?

It's such a great product that,
really, the sky's the limit.

Man, Greg...

Yeah. Just awful.

Let's circle back next week. I
know Greg hated conference calls.

Just want to make sure
you don't forget about us

and become a Beefsweeper.

You mean a Beefeater?

Take it easy, buddy.

~ OK, thanks. Bye.
~ Yeah, bye.

How was your conference call?

It was tough. One of the
partners had a stroke.

And they still made him do the call?

Good one. Good stroke joke.

I still have a job, which
is a minor miracle.

They sort of implied that I had
to up my game if I wanted them

to keep funding my
London office, though.

Don't you own part of the company?

That's what you told me the
first night you met me.

Unless you were lying,
to get in my knickers.

I own two and half percent
of it. So, not lying.

And I seem to recall you
saying you had a PhD.

I almost had half of one.

And that you were a published writer.

Anyway, up your game, like the
guy said. Smarten up your act.

Maybe buy a suit with normal length
arms. You're in London now.

Do you think Clive
Owen would wear that?

Well, I don't know. Would
Kate Winslet wear

a boy's yellow tweed...
fucking smoking jacket?

I mean, what is THAT?

You see the one on the mannequin?

~ That little one like that.
~ Yes.
~ It doesn't match with that tie thing.

Why do they not have any
grey? What is wrong...?

See, I think it's a neutral palette.

Whoa! I'm sorry.

Well, fuck me.

Hey, Chris! Look, I'll
just step out...

Don't be daft. Fran's out there.

I know. That's why I ran in here.

Ha! You're scared of
my sweet little bride?

~ No, I just...
~ There's no shame in it.

Well, for you.

So... how're things treating you?

You settling in OK?

Yeah. Work is tough and
I don't know anybody,

except for Sharon and
this one guy, Dave.

We should go for a drink
sometime. Catch a movie.

I don't want you to be lonely.

Oh. OK, sure.

What about Fran...? Would
Fran be OK with that?

No. She can't stand you.

She hasn't been able to enjoy
an episode of Mad Men

since that night, because
you remind her of Harry.

Harry? Are you sure she said
Harry? Didn't she mean...?

KNOCK AT DOOR How are
those trousers, love?

Yeah, they're a little
bit short, sweetheart.

~ Would you mind grabbing me one size up?
~ OK.
~ Thanks.

Call me. Not a word to the wives.

Oh, shit, no.

Take a left out of here, two
rights, you'll be in Lingerie.

You'll be safe there. Go now. Go.

~ Get out of here!
~ YOU get out of here!

I don't believe it. How are you?

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

Fine. I mean, I'm in shock
right now, but I'm good.

~ What are you doing in my bookstore?
~ You bought Archer's?

No!

This is nuts. What's new with you?

~ You still doing your PHD?
~ No.

Nothing's new with me.
What's new with you?

A lot. Yeah. I mean,
four years. A lot can...

Listen, I'm late to meet
a person for lunch...

You're having lunch with a person?

Yeah, but would you let me buy
you a cup of coffee sometime?

I don't drink coffee any more.

OK. Maybe we could
get something to eat.

Do you eat food any more?

All the time. Every meal.

~ Well, great. Then we can really catch up.
~ Yeah.

~ I'll call you tomorrow.
~ OK.
~ OK!

Great!

~ Oh!
~ Ah.

~ Yeah.
~ OK, then. Bye.

Shit!

Sharon!

Fran. Hi! I didn't... How are you?

~ Very well, thank you.
~ Haven't seen you since the...

~ Oh, well, water under the bridge now.
~ Is it?
~ It is.

~ Oh! Well, you look great with the...
~ I hope I do!

I just spent a minor fortune

on a three-week rejuvenation
retreat in Turks and Caicos.

~ Really?
~ How're things with you?

Oh, fine. Still riddled
with pre-cancer,

but the doctors says I'm probably
going to blow it all out

during the trauma of
childbirth, so that's...

~ That's a turn-up for the books.
~ Yeah.

~ How's little Jeffrey?
~ Jeffrey! Jeffrey's wonderful.

He's started a new series for ITV1.

It's an adaptation of the
Knights of Dorian books.

~ Oh, God.
~ Sorry?

Oh, sorry, no, I'm... That's great.

I just hate those books. They're
so shit, aren't they?

No. No, I do not think they are shit.

I'm not saying the series will
be shit. It's just the books.

~ And Chris, how's he?
~ Chris is great.

~ I just bumped into Fran.
~ Really?

Yeah. Did you not see her?

No. Wow.

~ Did you get your new image?
~ I did.

~ Did you get your book?
~ Yip.

~ Shall we skedaddle?
~ Yeah.

Ugh!

Wizards of fucking yore!

DOOR OPENS

~ Hey!
~ Hi.
~ Hi.

You OK?

Yeah. I just heard a lot
of "No, thank yous" today.

But they were so polite that
you think you're hearing yeses

until you replay it in your
mind. And you know what?

It's fucking rude to be that polite.

Do you want a tea?

Yeah, sure. How was school?

I kept getting that weird feeling,
like I might cry or come.

I had to go to the bathroom
and have a... you know...

have a wank. By myself. It was
awful. I mean, it was horrible.

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't know. I can't work out
if it's hormonal or mental.

No, I mean do you want to
tell me how you masturbated?

Did you use both hands?

Are you 14?!

Do you still have that feeling?

Yeah, a bit. It's always there a bit.

Well, the good news is, right
before I came into the flat,

this woman was bending over,
picking up her garbage cans

and I saw both her
complete full breasts,

so if you hadn't been home,
I was gonna have to jerk off,

~ but since you are...
~ You know what? It's passed.

PHONE RINGS

~ It's Dave. That prick.
~ Ugh.

I'm just gonna...

Sure. Johnny One-mate.

Yeah, I don't envy you,

having to build a book of
business in a new country.

It's a nightmare.

Why don't you use this as an
opportunity to start over?

Fuck advertising. It's for bawbags.

What do you really want to
do? What's your passion?

~ I don't know that I...
~ Come on - dream job.

I love big animals.

Big-animal lover? What does that pay?

No, I mean I wanted to be a large
animal vet when I was younger.

I started school to do that.

But then my cousin Brian started
working at an ad company

and pretty soon he had a Ferrari
and was dating a figure skater.

Listen, do it. Be a large
animal vet. Go for it.

~ Yeah?
~ Absolutely. Seize the day.

Right. What we seeing?

So I got us tickets for The
Emancipation of Flyburton Crisp.

~ What?
~ The new Wes Anderson.

~ No.
~ No?

~ Just no?
~ Just no. What else?

Well, we could see that Adam Sandler
movie. It starts at 8.10.

Let's go.

And a pack of Biros.

KEYBOARD CLICKS

Sorry. Excuse me.

~ Yes?
~ Can you keep it down on the keyboard?
~ Sorry?

It's just you're banging away there.
Like, bash, bash, bash, bash!

Like you're self-harming your fingers.
I can't hear myself think.

Jesus!

Hey, can I ask you something?

Would it really matter if I couldn't
make the business work here?

~ Yes.
~ Well, hang on.

And instead I went back
and finished my degree,

got into veterinary school and then
hopefully in a couple of years

got a junior position,
you know, at a zoo?

~ Yeah.
~ Yeah what?

Yeah, it would matter.

Oh. OK. Well, I guess it's back
to women's chefs' pants tomorrow.

Aw, poor you.

Are you realising how shit it is

being an adult with responsibilities?

All your dreams just...

"Oh, no, my dreams!"

You know, you say a lot of
shit to me and I let you

because you're pregnant,

but just so you know, after
you have that baby,

I'm going be a fucking
asshole to you.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Dave wants to take me to the
launch of a new restaurant

~ his friend is opening.
~ When?

Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night? Sure.

Hey!

~ You look great!
~ So do you.

You haven't aged.

What, since Saturday?

Well, no, since we... You know.

It's horrible!

You look the same and now I'm just
this middle-aged-looking... person.

HE LAUGHS

Can I...? Where's the loo?

Um... it's, I think...

If you'd told me that I'd be sitting
opposite you, having a friendly...

I know! It's good, though.

Yeah, I mean when you dumped
me, I was like... oh!

~ Oh!
~ But then you realised your
mistake and wanted to get back,

but I was already with...

I think I was drunk.

Drunk for three months?

Ha!

But it's so great to see
you. What's going on?

Just... all sorts.

Nothing.

It's complicated. You?

Well, I'm still with Gina.

SHE CHOKES

~ Really?
~ Yeah, she's pregnant, actually.

I'm pregnant too.

Really? Wow!

~ You didn't say.
~ Well, I just... I forgot.

I'm pregnant. Four months,
by my fiance, Rob.

He's a successful American.
Six foot four.

And you're still drinking?

It's fine. The new thing
is it's OK to drink. A bit.

French women do it, and look at them.

Gina said she read that
even a sip of alcohol

could be potentially harmful.

Gina obviously doesn't know
the pregnant wine score.

I can't believe you're
still with Gina Randolph!

I mean, no-one thought
that would last.

She was always just so much more...

just everything than you -
successful. Just... better.

Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Are you sure you're still with her?

Yeah, we're solid.

She's due in February - same
month her new book's out.

Is it another of the...?

~ Knights of Dorian, yeah.
~ The ones for kids?

For young adults.

~ I still write.
~ Well, good.

You were always funny.

Argh!

I had a really good time tonight.

You don't say that to a man,
unless you want to kiss him.

Do you want to kiss me now?

~ No, I do not.
~ Great. I'm off.

Hey, man, can I ask you a question?

When Fran was pregnant,
did she ever sort of...

rocket between being really
horny and really sad?

No, Fran would get horny
and hungry at the same time.

One night she made me fuck
her in her parents' kitchen,

and I'm not shitting you here,

she finished off a plate of
stew while I was inside her.

Wow!

~ Game of squash next week?
~ Sure.

Wear those little shorts I like.

MUSIC: Don't You (Forget
About Me) by Simple Minds

You HAVE aged.

Badly.

DOOR OPENS

You OK?

What's up?

What have I done with my
life? What have I achieved?

You've achieved plenty.

~ Why am even I asking
you? You barely know me.
~ Well...

I haven't achieved shit.

And now I'm going to be a mother,
it'll be even less than shit.

It'll be minus shit. My
son will be embarrassed.

What's that?

It's just... It's just writing.

I used to write.

I had a letter published
in The Times once.

Then someone wrote a letter about
my letter the next week -

~ it was that good.
~ That's great, honey.

~ May I take a look?
~ No.
~ Come on.
~ No!

Get off! No, get off!

Just get...!

You're really funny. This is good.

Not as good as Gina "Elf
Fucker" Randolph, though.

The Knights of Dorian lady?
Who gives a shit about her?

Just a few million zitty teenagers.

What about all the zitty
teenagers who love you?

What about the letters on the
fridge from your students?

They're insane about you.

I almost cried reading some of these.

When you go to work and you prod
some snot-faced little kid

into using his imagination
or show them he can use a book

to escape his shitty
life instead of meth,

that's massive.

We don't really have meth here.

You will one day and your
students won't do it,

because you inspired them to become
archaeologists or brain surgeons.

Well, not that one. I mean,
he's a nice lad, but...

I won't go into it.

You're so nice to me.

And I was so mean about
your zookeeper dream.

I went to dinner with
my ex-boyfriend tonight.

Oh.

Why? Do you still like him?

No. He's awful. I wanted him
to still like me, though.

Isn't that sad?

No, I get it. I have
a Facebook account.

Listen, I was with Chris
tonight. Not Dave.

I've been on two dates
with him. I'm sorry.

We kept it secret cos he didn't
want Fran to find out.

Like I'm gonna leap on the
phone and call that cow?!

I'm glad I was mean to
you about your zoo dream.

You're an idiot.

You're right.

Do you feel that?

Is he kicking?

No, he just did a little fart.

You can feel that?

Eugh!

Sorry. It was the baby!

No, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry!

What if there's a 9/11 at my school?

Why would there be
a 9/11 at your school?

I don't know. Will
you have sex with me?

~ Well, why don't we just...?
~ No, I want to. I need it.

~ But you're crying.
~ It's fine.

I don't want to have
sex with a crying woman.

Really?

No, I'll do it, but get it together.

What if my womb prolapses
after the birth

and I can't wear leggings any more?

~ We'll get you special leggings.
~ Yeah?
~ Yeah.
~ OK.

What if my bladder bursts and
every time I need to wee,

it just comes pouring out me like
a broken fountain wherever I go?

Adult diapers?

Adult diapers. OK.

It's gone soft.

Mm-hm.

Do you want to watch a Homeland?

Sure.