Catastrophe (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

~ Sorry.
~ That's OK.

I know it seems crowded
but it only took me 40 minutes

to get my last drink.

Is that all?

Hey, let me get yours.

It'll make me feel better
about being in line for just a Coke.

You don't drink?

No. I quit a few years ago,



after I shit my pants
at my sister's wedding.

OK, thank you.

~ No, no, I'll get it. ~ No, it's fine.

Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.

OK. I'll have a margarita.

I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before.

~ You've got a really nice room.
~ Thank you. I got an upgrade.

Yeah? Oh, shit.

Oh, God!

That was really unnecessary.

~ You don't have a hairy back.
~ Neither do you.

I was all psyched up
to deal with a hairy back.

I have hairy balls.

Whoa!



Oh, what the fuck?

~ Shit. ~ Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.

Uh...

That was exciting.

~ Hi. ~ Hey!

I was just sneaking out.

OK.

So when do you go back?

~ Thursday. ~ Well, that's...

Do you want to have dinner?

Erm...

Do YOU want to have dinner?

Yeah... that's why I asked.

OK. Do you have a wife or anything?

No.

OK, well, I'll write down my number.

Oh, you know what,
that's my work visa, so if you...

~ Doesn't matter.
~ (OK.)

Great.

I noticed that you took some things
from the bathroom, and that's fine,

but could you leave the toothpaste?

Erm, no, I didn't take any tooth...

Oh, shit, I did, yeah. Sorry!

It's just small and cute.

Erm, so, you should probably open a
window, cos it really stinks in here.

Keep the change.

That dinner was really nice.

The lamb was exceptional.

So, what time is your flight?

7:30.

~ 7:30. ~ Yeah.

So listen, I wanted to say that

I know this wasn't anything serious
and it was just a bit of fun...

This wasn't serious?

N-no, when I say it wasn't serious,
I mean...

Goofing you, bro!

Yeah...

Go on, carry on, you were saying
this was just a bit of fun...?

I want you to know that
I'm going to look back on my time

with you and remember you as

an extraordinarily
good-smelling woman

with a magical ass.

And you're smart,
so you could even get away

with being less attractive,
and you'd still be...

.. fairly attractive.

Fuck!

Wow. OK. Erm...

I'll remember you
as a sturdy love-maker

with a massive chin,

who was... really kind to waiters
and taxi drivers,

which suggests you might
actually be a good person.

What time is it?

It's 4:30.

Seriously, you're going
to have to go faster.

So, I thought it was fine if
I asked you out cos you're a temp.

If you worked with us permanently,
this wouldn't be appropriate.

But you're a temp,
so we just won't hire you again.

You're funny.

So, tell me something about you.

Well, I'm doing my Masters
at Boston University and...

I'm sorry. It's my mom.

She's calling me back
cos... I called her

cos it's her birthday.

Hey, so great to hear from you!

I'm sorry I haven't called,
but I have some good news,

I'm going to be in London in April.

But I'm pregnant.

~ Did you just say "pregnant"?
~ Yeah, I said "pregnant".

Do you want me to say it again?
"Pregnant".

How...? I don't understand,
I mean, how...?

Well, I think it's because, you know,
we had sex about 25 times in a week

and you wore a condom
maybe twice... twice of those times?

~ Why did you let me do that?!
~ I don't know! Because...

.. I was drunk the first...

.. even though I wasn't drunk
most of the other times,

there was a precedent there
that you took complete advantage of!

What do you want to do?

I want to build a time machine
out of your fucking carcass,

go back and make it un-happen!

Do you want me to come over sooner?

No!

Yeah. I don't know. I just...

I don't know what to do you get
pregnant by a stranger.

I don't know the etiquette.

I'm not a stranger -
I'm a familiar acquaintance.

A friend who helped you
make a mistake

but will now help you...

.. figure it out. OK?

Is your mom OK?

Huh?

Oh... no.

She's pregnant.

So, why don't you tell me
a little bit about you now?

Hmm...

Oh, shit.

Hi.

I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.

And it only says "Rob" because,
erm...

I don't know your surname.

It's Norris.

It's... it's Norris?

Mine's Morris.

Morris and Norris.

Well, at least that's
fucking ridiculous.

You just don't think
stuff like this'll happen.

What,
that repeated sexual intercourse

between two healthy adults

will do the exact thing
it's supposed to do?

Have you ever done a science class?

Do you know how to read?

I'm sorry.

I'm not pregnant, and you are,
and it's because of me

but if you're going to have
this baby, then...

Who says I'm going to have it?

Well, how old are you?

Look, the good news is
that we're reasonably good people,

so we could probably do this

and not fuck the kid up
too horribly.

I'm just saying
a terrible thing has happened.

Let's make the best of it.

So where you staying?

I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.

I'm joking, I'm a teacher!

I don't have a spare room.

~ Do you want some? ~ Sure.

Hello.

Do you know if Miss Morris
is finished with her classes?

Is she under arrest?

~ No, I'm just waiting...
~ Are you American?

Yes, I am.

Do you know Barack Obama?

~ No, I don't.
~ Do you know his daughters?

I know Sasha but I don't know Malia.

How do you know them
if you don't know Barack Obama?

I don't know them.

Are you a basketball player?

No.

Why are you waving at Miss Morris?

Because she's my girlfriend.

Is her hair a wig?

I don't... I don't think so.

~ Do you know she's pregnant? ~ What?!

What did you just say?

She's pregnant?

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Are you a basketball player?

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

~ Just... do that in the car. ~ OK.

So, you got yourself some fans here.

We're not his fans.

I thought he was someone special.

I am special!

So is this just a regular scan?

Yeah.

Well, I can find out the sex
this time if I want.

Well, do we want to?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice
to have a surprise?

Well, Rob...

It is Rob, isn't it?

Cos I only met you
about 20 minutes ago

and now I'm pregnant with your baby

so for the moment, I'd like
a whisper of certainty in my life.

Not even in my life - in my body.

Right, now,
in reviewing your Pap smear,

we found an abnormality.

It's nothing to worry
too much about yet

but you've got what's called
cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

Strictly speaking,
it is what we call a "pre-cancer."

~ Cancer?! ~ PRE-cancer.

Frankly, I hate that it has the word
cancer attached to it

because it isn't cancer
but it's sort of

next door to cancer.

What is she saying?

That you do not have cancer.

But she's said cancer,
like, eight times.

Doctor, you have said cancer
rather a lot.

Like, more than you'd hear
in a casual conversation

that isn't about cancer.

Yes, and I'm sorry.

But, while again, you do not have
cancer, you do have a situation

that we have to monitor closely
so that it doesn't become cancer.

That's two more times she's said it.
Two more cancers.

All it means is you'll come here
a little more frequently than

you would have otherwise, so we can
take a look-see at your cervix

and make sure it remains in the
cancer-free state it's currently in.

Do you have pamphlets?

Yes, we have pamphlets.

I'm going to get us some pamphlets.

Right, well, let's shift gears
a little bit, shall we?

And take a look at the baby.

OK...

No, we go in through
the tummy for this one.

OK.

Here we are.

The heartbeat! Beautiful.

Nice and strong.

Here's the spine. Exquisite.

Oh, and there's something!
Do you recognise that, Mummy?

~ Is that the cancer? ~ Very funny, no.

~ That's a little penis! ~ Oh, God.

Congratulations,
you're going to have a baby boy!

She said that it's statistically
unlikely to become full cancer.

So just... half-cancer then?

Just a gentle little half-cancer,
like you get?

Do you think it's because I'm old?

~ It's because I'm old, isn't it?
~ No, it isn't, you're not old.

Oh, God, I want to smoke a cigarette.

Will you get one and just smoke it
and blow it on me?

~ Well, just have a cigarette
if you want one. ~ Yeah?

But put your wine down.

May I have a cigarette?

Thank you so much.

I'm just going to smoke this.
Not even the whole thing,

I'll just have a few puffs,
then I'll never do it again.

~ That's fine. ~ That's all right,
isn't it? To have a few puffs,

~ then never do it again? ~ Absolutely.

(God, that's delicious.)

Oh, for fuck's sake, take that!

Hi!

(Fuck!)

~ Hi. ~ Hey, you! ~ I thought that was you.

Well, is it true? Are you pregnant?

Little bit.

~ This is Rob. He's my,
erm... boyfriend? ~ Yeah.

Yeah. He's the father of the...

This is Fran, she's an old pal.

Great to meet you, Rob.

Great to meet you!

Great to see you too, stranger!

Ha... ah...

You have to come over for dinner.

~ Yeah. ~ Chris would love to see you.

Definitely...

~ We should. ~ Yeah?

Yeah, yeah! That'd be great.

What are you doing
on Saturday night?

Saturday?

~ Erm... ~ Well, actually,
we've just had some news that...

~ No, we haven't.
~ I was just going to tell her...

No, we don't, that's not...

Yes, we'd love to.

Great - well, we can catch up then.

Yeah. You're still in...?

Still in the same big house, yeah.

Saturday night, 7 o'clock.
Don't be late!

~ All right.
~ Rob.

Oh...

She seems nice.

She's a cunt.

God, my feet are too swollen
for these boots.

Did you see the size of them?

Yeah. They look like
little hobbit feet.

Fuck off.

I meant to ask,
why did you call her a cunt?

I shouldn't have called her a cunt.
She's more of a bitch.

Why is she a bitch?

She's just one of these people
where everything has gone her way

and she thinks she did it,
but it's luck.

I just wish one bad thing
would happen to her.

I don't want her to get hit by a bus
or anything,

but maybe if she got arrested
for tax fraud

or if her dad get caught
with child porn or something.

Just to knock the smug out of her.
Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, totally.

And don't mention
the pre-cancer.

If you need something to talk about,

talk about the weather
or the meal or...

you know, other meals
you've enjoyed.

~ So, meals? ~ Yeah.

Do I look fat?

No, except for your belly
and your tits.

My tits are fat?

Your tits are fat and beautiful.

~ Welcome! ~ Hi. ~ Come in, come in.

Shoes go here!

~ Oh. That's a good spot for shoes.
~ We keep a shoe-free home.

Oh. Gotcha.

Do you mind if I keep mine on? It's
just my feet are swollen from...

Well, you can, but you'll be
the only one with shoes on!

If you're OK with that, then I am!

OK...

This is a delicious meal.

Thank you.

It's all Chris's work.
He's the cook here, aren't you?

Where's Jeffrey tonight?

He's in bed.
He has to get up at four.

~ He's filming in the morning.
~ Our son's a thespian now.

~ Really? ~ Mmm. ~ When did that happen?

~ I thought you knew.
~ I didn't know.

That's funny I thought you knew.

Anyway, this is his third film.

He filmed a scene with
Patrick Stewart last week.

Lovely man, total flirt.

Well, good for Jeffrey.

Good for all of us.
He's coining it in!

Yeah? Great.

This is a delicious meal.

So, are you planning on
a natural birth?

I don't know,
see what the pain's like maybe,

take it from there.

I really think you should
consider a natural birth.

My cousin Sheila had all
the pain medication going -

oxytocin, pethidine,
she had the epidural.

It didn't turn out well.

Really? What happened to the baby?

Oh, no, the baby's fine,
but my cousin had a massive stroke,

she has to use one of those
wheelchairs that you blow into
to make it move.

Jesus.

~ That's actually why we should have
more than one kid. ~ What?

All the shit that can go wrong.
Birth's a risky thing.

There's a reason people had
11 kids in the olden days.

If one or two died,
you still had leftovers.

~ Plus, only children are weirdos.
~ I'm an only child.

There are exceptions.

~ My son is an only child.
~ More than one exception.

This is a delicious meal.
Best meal I've had in some time.

~ Remember that meal we had Tuesday?
~ I do. ~ This is better, this meal.

~ I'm going for a cigarette.
~ Really? Do you really have to?

Yup. Rob, do you smoke?

No, I don't.

~ Did you quit? ~ Oh, because...

~ Just go for a cigarette.
~ Okey dokey.

Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.

Don't worry about it.
She'll wank off to that for a week.

She loves to get angry at people.
You did her a favour.

Can I give you some advice, Rob?

Er... maybe. About what?

When Sharon goes into labour,

jump on a plane and go back to
Wisconsin or wherever you're from

and skip the whole delivery.

I saw my son coming out
and it was a fucking war zone.

Just put it there,
he'll do it later...

~ You know they shit when
they give birth? ~ I've heard that.

Yeah, well I've seen it.
I wouldn't want that for you.

You'll never be able to forgive her.

Forgive her?

You see a little troll come
tobogganing out of your wife's
snatch

on a wave of turds

and part of you will
hold her responsible.

That was my first cigarette
in ten years.

You haven't smoked in ten years?

Well, don't start now, gimme that...

No, no, no. Don't.
I do this now.

~ He's a big one, isn't he?
~ Rob? Yeah.

Is he... big all over?

Um... yeah. Well, he's in proportion.

What's that like?

It doesn't hurt?

I mean he's proportional,
I wasn't...

Is he circumcised?
Most American men are, I've heard.

~ He is, yes. ~ What's that like?

Well, it's the same basic deal,
really...

But I mean what does it feel like?

What does my boyfriend's
penis feel like?

~ Are you OK?
~ Just a little dizzy.

Oh, dear.
I'm a little anaemic myself.

When I feel weak
I just take a tincture of helonias,

or some arsenicum, if that's all
I've got, and I perk right up.

~ You do what?
~ It's a homeopathic remedy.

~ Oh. ~ No, thanks. Why not?

~ It's not real. ~ It is.

~ It's not. ~ Well, I think it is.

Yeah, I saw a guy on
the Tube today with no legs

so I prescribed him three drops
of doodly doodle-oo
and his legs grew back.

Rob, Fran's a homeopath.

Well, you could have told me that
in my pre-dinner briefing.

A lot of people don't realise

that there are alternatives
out there that really work.

My guru, Alan, cured himself
of prostate cancer with walnuts
last year.

Oh, give me a break!

~ Pardon? ~ What did he do,
jam them up his asshole?

Sorry? Are you coming
into my house...

I don't mean to rip into your beliefs
in your own home

but we just received some news
about Sharon that is not good

and if I thought for a second
that I could just rub

a blueberry on her vagina
and fix her, I would do it.

~ But I can't, because it's bullshit!
~ I think you should leave!

~ I have cancer. ~ No, you don't!
She's lying.

I think we pulled it back
at the end.

It was good of you to ask Chris
for the recipe for that tagine.

I thought about asking them
to wake their kid up

so I could get his autograph.

You should have!
She'd have loved that.

I'm really sorry about tonight.

Don't be. They're awful.

And actually I was really touched

to see you go apeshit
at someone for me.

Well, I'm scared.

~ Of the not-cancer cancer?
~ Of everything.

You're pregnant, you might be sick
and I don't know what I'm doing.

My shit's still in a suitcase.

Am I part of your life or not,
are we doing this for real or not?

~ I don't know...
~ I think you should marry me.

What?

Are you mental?

~ Marry me and find out. ~ Why?

I literally don't know who you are.

Seriously, who are you?
Do you have a middle name?

Can you ride a horse?
Did a priest ever fiddle with you?

These are things I don't know.

Clifford, yes and no,
but a nun did stay in the room

when I changed out of
dirty underpants once.

Aren't you supposed to
fall in love first?

Well, my mum sent me an article about
a study on arranged marriages

versus "love" marriages
and they found

that fewer arranged marriages
end in divorce than real ones.

Is that because they end in suicide?

I don't know,
I didn't read the whole article.

Also, you'll need to marry me
so I can stay in the country.

You don't have to be a part of
its life, you know.

I'm not expecting anything.

Except money, maybe a bit of money.

So, I just write a cheque
every month and leave it at that?

Fuck that. I didn't know my father
and it sucked.

This kid gets a dad.

Oh, God, you don't
have to be so American about it.

Fine.

Oh! Oh, God, hurry up,
I'm not going to come.

~ How did my vagina feel?
~ It felt great.

Well, make the most of it

because it's not going to
feel like that for much longer.

Not after your big-headed son
scrums his way out of it.

If it helps,
I dated a woman a few years ago

and she'd had a couple of kids
and her vagina was crazy tight.

Like teenager tight. It was amazing.

How do you know what a teenager's
vagina feels like?

~ Because I used to BE a teenager?
~ Oh, yeah!

And it didn't feel cancer-y?

It didn't feel cancer-y because you
really, sincerely don't have cancer.

In fact, I want us
to get a second opinion.

Doctors make mistakes all the time.

They told my brother he had polio
when he was ten,

but it turned out
he just was clumsy.

They probably told
another kid he was clumsy

and then he died of polio.

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Well, you might cross the bridge
alone because I'll be dead.

That's the spirit.