Cash Register (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - 15 Minutes - full transcript

"Nachman Meuman

"Rabbi Nachman
Nachman Meuman

"Nachman Meuman
Rabbi Nachman Meuman..."

Amnon,
I didn't know you're into religion.

What? No!
That's the only CD I have in the car.

It was handed out at the intersection.
It's an acquired taste.

I see. In any case, you seem to be
in very high spirits today.

How could I not be?
It's Mom's 87th birthday.

I've been waiting all year for this day.

Mom is making
her famous oven-baked chicken wings.

Oven-baked chicken wings?
Sounds delicious.



How does she make them?
-"How does she make them?"

In the oven...
Like the name of the dish.

You and your questions...

But forget that,
nothing can ruin this lovely day.

Not even your bonehead questions.

What's this?

"Parking rates"

Who put this here?

Recently, a strange phenomenon.

Our high-tech neighbors
started parking in our lot

as free as you please.
On the house, as they say.

And these are no poor people,
they're well off, with families,

some are married,
even if you can't always tell

with their hand in their pocket,
and when they take the hand out



you realize you wasted
20 minutes for nothing...

What did you ask?
-About the parking lot.

There's an hourly rate.
-Yes, there is, that's what I'm saying.

Non-customers have to pay to park.

A customer that shops
for over 50 shekels gets free parking.

Our customers
won't feel the difference.

Degenerates!

Scum!

First it was 5 shekels for the cart,
then 10 cents for the bag,

now for parking, what next?

Money for the stinky air I breathe
in the supermarket?

Pal,
the Titinskys have one rule. One!

Titinskys don't pay for parking

Yes, but sometimes...
-No "sometimes..."

"Sometimes..." he tells me.
July 8, 1954,

Mom and Dad arrive at the gate
of the maternity hospital,

Mom was four fingers dilated.
Four fingers!

Then they saw the sign:
"25 liras per hour or part thereof".

What did they do?
-What every true Titinsky would,

they spread a blanket
on the lawn outside the gate and...

had a "natural birth".
-Oh my.

You can say "oh my" until tomorrow.
39 hours of labor before I came out.

Think of the money they saved,
almost 1,000 liras! Which is...

More than two shekels today.
Just like that!

So you want me to pay
to park at the supermarket?!

"First 15 minutes free"

15 minutes.
Think about it.

I go in, park, shop, leave,
no stops, no stalling,

without paying for parking.
Can you do it all in 15 minutes?

There's no such thing as "can't,"
there's "not free enough."

"Checkout"

Gitit didn't invite Moran Sapir
to the henna party,

she only invited me,
Moran Jibli and Omer from accounting.

And you know Moran,
she's so touchy.

Sapir, not Jibli. -Right.
-Nathan? -Ha?

Are you listening to me?
-I'm listening, sweetheart.

Sapir, not Jibli.

How can I not listen
after yesterday's talk?

Babe.

That was some talk.
2.5 hours.

"You don't listen to me,"
"You're on the phone all the time,"

"It's like talking to a wall,"
and she's sobbing.

Snot, stretchy saliva.
The whole nine yards.

Do you really not listen to her or...?
-I listen. As much as I can.

But it's not easy.
Take yesterday, for example.

She came home from work in a rut,
started telling me about the new job,

she doesn't know anyone,
she feels lonely, bla bla bla.

Now, what can you do?
I had an important call.

Did you pick up?
-I called.

What?!
I called Parselani.

While your wife is telling you
that she feels lonely?

I told you it was important.
After an hour of story time.

And she can't tell a story,
no progress, just dry details.

Exposition, character description.
On the previous episodes. Enough!

Sit with an editor, highlight the major
points and come prepared!

Am I the garbage can
for stories about Moran Sapir?

20 years ago is one thing.
I'd endure to the end.

But now,
I have a Smartphone in my hand.

There's competition.
With all due respect,

you won't defeat YouTube and Instagram
with stories about Moran Jibli.

So I said to her: "Excuse me?

"I have every right to bring cholent
to work on Thursday."

Damn right.

Oh no. 5:30 already?
-Time flies when you're having fun.

I have to get to the post office.

You know what?
You go to the supermarket,

buy what we need for tonight.
-For tonight? -For tonight.

You know what?

Let's go to the supermarket together,
then to the post office

and you can finish your cholent story.
I'm in suspense.

No, sweetie, I won't make it.

You go and get what we need, okay?
No screw ups.

For tonight?
-For tonight, yes.

Okay, I gotta run. Bye.

No, I'm unbelievable.
I didn't listen to her again.

One day after the talk.
One day!

It's something about her voice,
I'm telling you.

My brain identifies her frequency
and instantly shuts down.

Our anniversary is in January.

In February.

Sometime in the winter.

Her birthday is on Purim.
That's not today.

Thursday Pizza!
Thursday Pizza! Thursday Pizza!

It's Monday.
-Right.

You could just call and ask her.

I could call Andre Movers
to move my stuff to my sister's.

I promised her I'm the new Franco,
one day ago. One day!

"Issachar Bounty"

Oh! Khaled!
-Morning, Mr. Titinsky.

Khaled, not now!

Hello?

anyone here?

Boris! Haim!

What are their names?

Animal? -Tiger.
-Tarantula. Ten points.

Plant? -Don't know.
-Tabbouleh.

What's Tabbouleh?
-You don't know what Tabbouleh salad is?

What's it made of?
This plant called Tabbouleh,

it grows by rivers.
15 to me, zero to you.

Object? -I wrote "Tzik."
-What? -Tzik.

What's tzik?
-Tzik! Tzik, tzik, in Russian.

This is Hebrew, moron.
-Ah.

Desk, then.
-You mean "table."

What do you have?
-Tawil. -What's "tawil"?

You don't know what tawil is?
Oh, you weren't in the army.

Tawil, it's in the rifle,
when you cock it,

there's the chamber,
the thingamajig, tawil.

15 points for me,
zero for you.

Michel, Michel.

Michel! Michel!
Damti! Damti!

Excuse me, Sir, we're not playing here!
Go.

I'm counting to three,

if you're not here,
I'll just take what I want!

Three,

two,

one!

Wings.

I told you, no matter what,
Titinskys don't pay for parking.

Excuse me?
Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo!

Excuse me?
-What do you want?

Look at this asado
you sold to my man.

Smell it,
it smells like rotten eggs.

Amoebas, salmonella...

I told you to get rid of the asado.
-Don't change the subject!

Occupation.

Tabbouleh-man.
The guy who makes Tabbouleh.

Ma'am! -I don't want this.
-Listen...

Ma'am!

I don't work hare.
-Of course you don't.

If you worked here,
you wouldn't sell expired meat.

Now change it.

Ma'am, I'm telling you.
-Change it. -I don't work here.

In my darkest dreams
I don't work here.

I'm a disgruntled customer
just like you.

I just came to get wings,

because I'm in a hurry
and there's no one around.

You're in a hurry, sure,

I'd try to shirk responsibility too
after this attempt to poison us.

Change it!
Hey!

No, no, where are you going?
-To the hills.

To the checkout, where else?
Like she'll tell me where to go.

No, you're not going anywhere
until you change this for me.

Change it. -You want me to change it?
-Yes. -Sure.

Thank you.
-You want this instead?

Maybe this?

How about this?
Take what you want.

On me. I don't care.

And you know why I don't care?

Because I don't work here!

Delivery for Salagnik.
Hurry, I'm double parked.

Oh no, oh no.
Don't let him get away.

Don't let him, don't let him!
No, no, no!

I was this close. This close.

So did you pay for parking?
-Are you insane?!

I hid the wings in the fridge
and ran to calibrate the parking.

Am I nuts?
What don't you get?

Titinskys don't pay for parking.
-Parking, got it. -Yes.

Move it!

Move it! Darn!

What's so complicated?
Move!

Here.

That's it.

I see you're preparing
for a festive occasion.

You could say that.
-What's the occasion?

Good question, Ramzi,
I wish I knew.

What do you mean?
-Shirley told me to shop for tonight,

but I have no idea
what's going on tonight.

And I can't ask her,
I'm on probation as it is.

Fascinating conundrum, Mr. Nathan.
Let's see.

It can't be your anniversary,
that's on January 4th.

Her birthday is on Hanukkah,
so it's not that.

Hanukkah, right.

Besides those two,
it could be anything.

I'm preparing for any scenario,
to be on the safe side.

Clever strategy, Mr. Franco.
-Right?

Hold on!

The challah ceremony at Jibli Moran's?
-The challah ceremony!

Go on, load it up.

Okay, that's more than enough.
Come, follow me.

What other scenarios could there be?

A picnic at the beach,
like your very first date.

Wait, no, no. No.
-Okay.

You're right.
A blanket is best.

Less kitschy.
-No, no, hold on.

Not a blanket and not a chair...
No, Ramzi,

these scenarios will never end.
I'll go bankrupt with this strategy.

You can always cash in
Maya's government bonds.

They had a high yield this year.
-How do you even know these things, Ramzi?

Shirley told me.
I remember everything she says.

Something about her voice...

My brain identifies her frequency
and it remains etched there.

Wait!

Can I suggest another method?
-Go ahead.

I call it, "Ramzi's clue method."

How's it going, queen bee?

Listen, Mama, I miss you already.

Tell me, for tonight...
what have you decided to wear?

Speaker! Speaker!

What am I wearing?
-For tonight.

I dunno.
Something that goes with everything.

"Something that goes with everything."
Okay, cool, got it.

And tell me,
you talk to Daniella?

Which Daniella? The babysitter?
-Yes.

No, why would I?
-It's just... I thought that maybe...

Franco, what's with you?
-What?

You're babbling.
What do you want?

You forgot the talk we had.

I want to listen to you',
but if this is how you're reacting,

forget about it.
-No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, babe,

you're right, I'm just...
a bit nervous,

it's not every day I meet someone
after 20 years.

20 years

"Customer 429 to counter no. 3."

Okay, that's me, finish shopping
and meet you by the car?

No, Shirley, wait,
one more thing...

At least we have
one important detail.

She's meeting someone after 20 years.

She's meeting someone after 20 years.
Who could it be? -Eureka!

Who's Eureka? -No, no, Lizzie.
From the trip to South America!

Lizzie the vegan.
I saw on Facebook that she's back.

Lizzie the vegan! -Lizzie the vegan!
-You saw her on Facebook?! -Yes.

I knew she said L and ZZ and IE,
who thought Lizzie?

Ding ding ding!
Mystery solved!

Lizzie, yah!

Lizzie. Got it.

Here, here...
-More, more.

More, more, more, more.
Like I put thought into it.

The second time is easier.

Like "Ninja Warrior".
You know the course, the obstacles.

All I have to do
is get the wings I hid,

get through the checkout,
press the buzzer

and finito la curitza.

Why don't you open another checkout?

This was the first time
I was happy to see her obnoxious face.

Why? Because...
I've got the Amnon trick.

The Amnon trick?
-Off the record, okay?

When you see a cashier
coming back from a break,

you play it cool,
just another customer in line,

you don't attract attention,
no unnecessary moves.

But you watch which cashier
she's going to out of the corner of your eye.

It's like bird-watching, no sudden
movements, not to scare the cockatoo.

But then,
just as she sits down, boom!

You pounce on her checkout.
First in line.

Nice, huh? But don't air this.
So no uses my trick.

The oldest trick in the supermarket.

How did she know to move like that?
Did you tell her about the trick?

I like confusing the enemy.

I do these deceptive moves.

I'll go from here...
Maybe from here?

I'm sitting down...
No, I'll sit here.

From checkout to checkout.

Like a butterfly on crack.

Well, well,
Amnon Titinsky at my register.

So God does read the notes
in the Wailing Wall.

Hey, hey, hey!
-I think someone's calling you.

I'm "hey, hey, hey"?

People are standing in line like boy scouts,
Mr. Pouch swoops in and cuts in line.

Disgusting.
-Who cut in line?

She opened another register.

New register, new line.
New line, new rules.

No, no, no, no, pal.

The registers are one unit.
The line is a separate unit.

The second one here is first here.
-You don't say! -I say!

Where is this rule written? Show me.
Which chapter? Which verse?

Got it. You don't want to move.
-You want me to move? You move!

You move!
-Got it, you want to fight?

Okay, let's fight.
He thinks I can't fight.

Let's fight.
I haven't fought since August.

I was born to fight.
Let's fight.

Now we're fighting.
-Who's next?

You're lucky my turn is up.

No fight?
Then why all the hype?

What, you didn't ring me up?
I said I'm in a hurry!

Oh, I didn't know.

Had I known
I would have rung you up before.

I didn't get it,
I was sitting here and watching.

Hurry up.

Wow, big spender.
For a party?

You know how to indulge.

Oh no! Look at this.

The computer crashed.
-What crashed?

The register,
something's not working. -What?

Sometimes, because it's new,

you go like this
and it usually helps.

Seriously?

Wow, wow, when it comes to money,
super-powers! Look at this muscle.

Captain Pouch.

You can always go back
to the other line. -Oh no.

Honk,
maybe that way I'll reach it!

Cool it! -Lady, Lady!
-I'm trying, don't you see?!

Seriously? I don't get it,
what's so complicated?

What's so complicated
about getting the stub in the hole?

Dude, calm down. -Here, like this.
No, upside down, like this.

There! Go! Go!
-The nerve. Idiot.

What a... I swear.

Get up there!

Go!

Honeybun.
-Did you get what we need?

What we need indeed.

What's this? Organic hummus flour?
Pasta from spelt flour?

What's this got to do with tonight?
-Uh...

Can I? It's important.

Ah, Parselani?

At the supermarket with the wife.

Tonight?!

Ah...

Ah...

Champions League.
The divisions phase.

That's what's happening tonight.
I invited my friends over a month ago.

Shirley's taking advantage of that
to meet a friend for coffee.

And it's not Lizzie, just some Shaula.
Ramzi and his methods.

I wasted 580 shekels on bird feed.

Organic carob powder?
Who eats organic carob powder?

Parselani.
He's on a new diet.

He puts it in a shake.
He lost some three kilos.

Oh yeah?
-Like that.

Okay, babe,
but where's the beer and nuts?

You know you have to have them.
-Beer and nuts!

My mind must be cloudy.
How lucky you're here.

You're the best,
what would I do without you?

You're the best. So I'll get the stuff,
wait for me in the car?

Okay, babe. -Okay.

Oh, and...
get me my spelt crackers, okay?

The freshest and bestest, love.
You're my heart, babe.

You get what just happened?

We did somersaults and it turns out
it's the Champion League.

Forgive me, I should have known.

Ramzul, pal, I'm out.
-Wait. -What?

Didn't you say you came back
to get something for Shirley?

Shirley? -Your wife.

It's happening again.
I'll be at the clue board.

Follow me!

Hello, angel.

About what you asked for,
what drink goes with that?

Any drink. Got it.
Any drink.

Yes!

Quickly, quickly.

Anything from the specials?
-No.

Come on, receipt, receipt.

Hurry! Hurry!

Receipt!

Yes.

Excuse me.
What's that doing there?

At that moment, I couldn't help thinking
about Grandpa Tulip and Grandma Regina.

I know they're proud of me up there.
This free parking is theirs too.

Mrs. Yitzhaki!

Let's lift it together!

One, two, three!

Disgusting!

Mr. Titinsky! Mr. Titinsky!
Please, lend a hand! Lend a hand!

A customer is stuck
between a rock and a hard place!

Please, Mr. Titinsky!
We are undermanned!

Help us!

Ma'am, are you alright?

Amnon!

What's with the look?
You want an autograph?

I told you,
Titinskys don't pay for parking.

And besides, I was going to get the car out
and come back and help.

She wasn't going anywhere.

Whoa... what is this?!
Move the vehicle!

Move the vehicle,
move the vehicle!

I have two minutes, the nerve!

Sir, this is an emergency!
This is an emergency too.

I have... one minute, 38 seconds.
-Sir, patience.

Then give me the keys, I'll move it.
Just the keys! Look at me!

Have you no heart?!
A Jew doesn't detain a Jew!

'll sue!

I'll sue!
Amnon Titinsky!

Move the vehicle!

Hey!

Anybody here?

Hello?!

Hey.
-Yes, hello.

Don't "yes, hello" me, robber.
Where do I pay?

What? -Pay, pay.

It's alright,
we're still doing a trial run.

Put the card in, it will open.
-Trial run?

Got it? -Trial run?

Now you do have to pay.

Hold it here.

Hold it, don't move.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hold it straight.
Let me stick this on.

It won't hold it together,
-Be quiet!

The other side
-Be quiet! Don't tell me what to do.

Underneath. -Just hold it!
Hold it! Don't say a word.

Don't tell me what to do.
Quiet!

I got this. All's well.
-You'll pay for this. -No I won't.

That's it done.
-Don't go, don't go.

I fixed it!
-Get back here!

Disgusting.