Cardinal Burns (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Sh.
Boo! Boo!
Pick it up, pick it up!
No, no, just get off, get off me!
Right, perfect. Here we go.
Ready? One, two...
Yay!
No, as long as you send it
before 12, that should be fine.
Let me take a message for you.
Yeah, OK.
That's not...
Hello. We're the new temps.
What's up?
Right, I just need to get your...
your photos for your passes.
Yeah, we know the drill.
Up on the chairs? Yeah.
There you go.
Oh, that's nice.
That's really good. Yeah.
OK, thanks.
You're welcome.
See ya later. See ya.
See ya.
What did I tell you, Charlie?
Babylon.
And ting.
See you on the ice.
We're going to have to convert
everything out to docx, OK?
I'm going to talk to HR about
getting a bit of extra time but...
No, no, wrap it up. It's very good.
OK.
Sorry, was there something that...?
Oh, yeah, OK.
Just wondered if you fancied
a quick flirt with me now?
OK, yeah. Cool.
So, what's your name?
Louise.
Louise. So, Louise,
do you have any pets?
I've got a cat.
A cat? Cool, I can get on with cats.
What's it called? Cocoa.
Like the hot drink? Yeah.
You're like cocoa cos you're hot,
you're sweet
and you're popular at bedtime.
OK then, catch ya later, Cocoa Pop.
Cheers, fella.
So I'm going to talk to HR...
Yes, I'm The New Guy,
yes, I have a motorbike
and if we're going to have
a future together,
you're going to have to get over it,
OK?
OK.
So, hop on,
and bring your little salad.
Where do you want to go?
Human Resources?
Human Resources?
I didn't know they did that.
Sounds cruel but we can go there.
It's quite a tight corner.
Yes, boy.
What's up?
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
How long are you in town?
I'm on a temporary contract
till Friday.
Guess I'll see you round.
I guess you will.
Hey, that's my bike!
Is it?
Here.
Next please.
All right. Thanks.
They always seem to deliver
when I'm out.
No problem. I'll just go get it.
All right, Steve?
Come on, down the ladder, Steve.
Follow me!
Come on, Steve!
OK, Steve, you've got two minutes
to retrieve the parcel, OK?
Are you ready to go?
Yeah.
Your time starts... now!
Close the door.
OK, I can see the parcel.
I can see the parcel!
Go for it, Steve!
Come on, Steve!
There's a pole. I've got a pole.
Pole vault, Steve.
Use it as a pole vault.
- There you go.
- Yes!
You all right, Steve?
Twisted my ankle.
Not even 30 seconds in
and he's already injured!
Not looking good for Steve.
There you are, steady, steady.
So keep your knees up, Steve,
that's...
Don't touch the ground, Steve.
Don't touch the floor, Steve.
Making a meal outta that, Steve.
How much time do I have left?
Nearly halfway.
OK, I'm coming out.
No, Steve, you're not!
Keep going, keep going!
OK, I'm across, I'm across.
One minute, Steve.
I can't reach it.
Yes, you can!
Maybe try balancing on the prism,
Steve.
Yes! That's it!
Bamboo sticks! Bamboo sticks!
Pulls outward, Steve.
Pull them out, Steve!
There's a padlock!
There's a padlock!
OK, I'm coming out.
No, you're not!
On the wall, Steve!
Come on, concentrate!
I am fucking concentrating!
Ooh, language, Steve, language.
No need to swear, Steve.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
All right, I've got the key.
Yes! Good, good, good.
Come on, Steve, come on!
You're nearly there,
you're nearly there.
20 seconds, Steve!
Throw the parcel! Throw the parcel!
Yes, Steve!
Come on, Steve, come on!
Ten, nine, eight...
Come on, Steve!
..seven, six...
..five, four, three, two...
Clear out the way, clear out the way.
Here he comes.
Let's go, come on!
Sorry it took so long.
Thanks.
Sorry, I've got quite a few.
I've been on holiday.
Oh, fuck!
'They say you can find love
in the most random places.
'Honky-tonks, boozys,
funky buddhas,
'but sometimes you need
to stop looking
'and let that crazy little
thing called love find you.'
Oh, my God! My coconut!
I think you dropped this.
Namaste.
Namaste? Are you Indian?
Well, I'm a yoga instructor
on the King's Road so,
I guess in a way I am, yeah. Wow.
What's your name?
My name is Simon Phoenix.
Hey, I got a class at four o'clock,
you should come.
I'd love to come.
Fantastic. Hey, and your friend
is more than welcome.
Bye, Simon Phoenix.
'Destiny had led me here to
find love and inner peace.'
Hiya, guys!
Hi, Simon Phoenix.
Please take your places
at the front of your mats
and just clear your minds.
OK? Don't think about the
outside world, exist in the now.
It's just you, your mats and me.
Simon Phoenix.
Here at Yoga Bunnies
on the King's Road,
in between Jack Wills and Monsoon,
with The Kooples...
..just opposite.
OK, great.
Everybody into downward dog.
Downward dog, done it. Next.
Namaste.
Just relax into me, OK?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
You're great. Really good.
I think someone's done this before.
Ah! I can't do it
Simon Phoenix, I need your help.
All right, Rachel, come on.
Let's get you up on your feet.
Let's get you breathing.
Warrior two.
Just ignore everybody else, OK?
Yeah.
Just you and me in the room.
You and me -
Simon Phoenix.
You've changed me.
Guys, no. It's cool,
just means she's doing it right.
OK, Yumi?
Sank you.
Relax into the pose,
don't be scared.
I want you to push yourself.
That feels really nice.
It's OK.
It's OK, don't worry.
Just relax, concentrate
on your breathing. OK?
OK, it's fine. Guys, it's fine.
Just...
Yam...
Namast...
Are you done?
OK, you know what? Fuck you!
That's not cool.
Come on, yogis. We're out.
Simon Phoenix! No!
Simon Phoenix!
What did you do?
I don't even know what that was.
Tell me!
Involuntary.
I'm actually scared of you
right now. Fucking devil bat.
Come on, Olivia.
Rachel!
Please!
Ay!
Hey, baby!
Hey!
Come on, tough girl.
Hey, don't be scared, girl.
We just...
You need a car?
See you later.
Hey! What's cookin', good looks?
Somebody looks like
he's in a good mood.
I just done a pick-up from Gatwick.
Beautiful girl, very good tipper.
So what's happening?
Any action?
Maybe you should ask your partner.
He's not happy with you.
Aye, so what's new?
He's never happy with me.
Guys! What's happening?
You betrayed me! You stole my fare!
I take her to the airport,
I bring her back from the airport.
That's the rule!
Well, maybe rules are there to be
broken! You taught me that!
When you came in here,
you knew nothing.
I taught you about shortcut,
speed bump, tube carriage,
roundabout, zebra cross,
pelican cross,
toucan cross -
and this is how you repay me?
I should kill you.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Do it!
Do it now!
Hey, hey! Hashtag, Bukake,
put your willies away.
This isn't a fighting ring!
Now then, I have a job.
A two man job.
A student.
She needs to move all her belongings
to her new campus tomorrow.
A lot of waiting around -
tick-tock, tick-tock.
Two man job?
There is no two.
From now on,
I work alone.
Hey! Hashtag sure looks pissed, man!
What did you do?
Get lost, Scooterman.
Yeah, well I'm just saying, man,
if you're looking for a new partner,
I'm your man, man.
Think about it.
Bukake and Scooterman - I mean, woo!
It's got a nice ring to it.
At least think about it.
I'll suck your dick, man!
So, student lady,
what will you be studying?
Political Science.
Political Science,
I love Political Science.
Arse.
Yes!
I almost gave up on you, Bukake.
You thought I'd let you
do this alone?
Partners?
Partners.
There you go, darling.
Hey, Hashtag?
You ever think about doing
something different?
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe there's more to life than
driving mini-cab.
What, like being a florist?
You crazy, Bukake.
Maybe.
Yep. Turn. No, the other way.
The other way.
The other way. The other way.
No, that way.
No.
My next guest has inspired
and captivated those around him.
In a relatively
short period of time,
he has had roles
as varied and challenging
as a sales assistant
in River Island,
followed by a bit of telesales,
before his big break
at the IT firm Pipex.
In 1990-99,
he was honoured with an HMV
store voucher as a leaving gift.
His name, of course,
is Simon Martin,
and I've been given the
rare opportunity to interview him.
Let's go and meet him.
Simon Martin,
welcome to I Know Your Name.
Let's start at the beginning.
At just the tender age of 19,
you landed your first big break
at the well-known sports chain,
Foot Locker.
Tell us a little bit about that.
Well, I remember walking into
what can only really
be described as a trainer store.
I approached the counter
and spoke with the manager,
who took me into his office
and, you know, sat me down.
And I'll never forget the very
first thing that he asked me -
and that was whether
I was looking for
full-time or part-time employment.
Now, you can imagine, you know,
my mind was racing.
I'm thinking to myself, you know,
"Get this right, Simon.
"For God's sake, get this right."
And so what did you say?
I said part-time.
You know, I had to -
this was the '90s.
I'd like to quote
an extract from your CV, if I may?
OK.
"I work well, both individually
and as part of a team."
I mean, where, from whom,
did you glean such knowledge?
Well, you know, I've been
very fortunate throughout my career
to have worked with some truly
remarkable, remarkable people.
None more so than Liz Stanmore,
whom of course you know
as head of recruitment at Adecco.
And it was of course Liz who
taught me that when writing my CV,
to always include my name clearly,
in large, bold font, you know?
That was Liz, you know?
And, of course, you know,
Liz went on to become
a huge inspiration to you
throughout your career.
But with such giddy heights
come the inevitable lows.
Yep.
Tell us
what happened next to Simon Martin.
Well, look, OK - you gotta understand
that around this time,
I was 28 and a half years old,
earning £22,000 a year -
before tax.
You know, silly money.
I mean, that's just unheard of.
Sure.
I was out literally
two, three nights a week,
hitting all the hotspots - All Bar One,
Pitcher & Piano, Slug and Lettuce.
I remember on one occasion
turning up to work
slightly hung-over, you know?
You just... you just don't do that.
Yeah, I was out of control.
Out of control.
And it was at that point...
that I remember
something my father taught me,
shortly before he passed away...
Simon Martin, for years
you have brought joy and happiness
to some people
throughout your career.
I for one look forward to following
your wonderful, wonderful journey.
Simon Martin, I know your name.
Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me, Daniel.
My name's Banksy,
and I'm a street artist.
Um... stencils, stencils.
It's Wednesday,
which is Jill's book club.
So to keep from
getting under her feet,
I'm going to take my step-son Daniel
out with me
to do one of my pictures.
I think that's us, Daniel.
Spray cans.
Oh, God, what am I like?
"I mo..." What is it now, Banksy?
Sorry. Have you seen my spray cans?
In the shoe box under the stairs.
Oh, right, yeah.
I'm gonna take Daniel to Hepton Farm
to spray a beef burger onto a horse.
Message being -
"horse meat scandal".
Come on then, Daniel.
"An explosion in my mouth.
"He has ejaculated
all over my face."
Jump in the front.
Daniel,
do you want to hold the guide rope
while Daddy hammers in the peggies?
Piss off. OK.
Our adventures offer Daniel and I
an opportunity to bond
and open up, mano-a-mano.
Daniel, do you want to
put your PlayStation away now?
I may not be your father, Daniel...
but I am the man who has regular
intercourse with your mother.
Oh, my days.
But do you know, the last time
I was in this tent
was when me
and your mother first got together?
We'd only been intimate
for a few weeks,
so you can imagine
what we were like.
It was like a bloody sweat lodge
in here, Daniel, honestly.
And your mother used to have
this lovely long red hair,
right down to the small of her back,
and it was that long that I used to
wrap it round my hand,
several times over, and I'd be
clinging on for dear life.
Just like a rodeo star.
I suppose
we should get some shut-eye.
Daddy loves you.
You're not my dad.
Wake up, Daniel.
It's time to do
our political activism.
Come on, Daniel, wake up.
Wake up. Fuck's sake!
This is my first experience
of working with a live canvas,
and I have to say, I'm so excited.
Look at her.
There's a lovely white horse.
Hello.
OK, hold this stencil up
on her hind legs.
OK.
Look at that, Daniel. Perfect.
Why don't you get on the horsey,
Daniel,
and I can take a photo of you
next to the beef burger?
No. You're all right, mate. No?
Come on, Daniel, Mummy will love it.
Up you get.
She's all right.
That's it, Daniel.
Nice big smile.
Got the beef burger in.
OK.
Fucking prick!
Try and calm him down a bit.
He's just a little bit agitated.
Daniel!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Daniel, come back! Daniel!
Come back, Daniel! Somebody help!
Daddy's gonna save you!
You're not my dad!
Prick!
Well, Jill's gonna go nanas!
She did indeed go absolutely nanas,
but I'm happy to say,
Daniel escaped unscathed.
There he is.
There's Daniel on the horsey.
He must have covered 90 miles
that day.
You ended up in Rickmansworth,
didn't you, Daniel?
Hey, girl.
There's something
I've been meaning to say...
♪ Oooh... ♪
..about you, me,
and everything we can be together.
♪ Oooh, yeah... ♪
Listen up. Yeah.
# Is it the way that you talk?
# Is it the way that you smile?
# Is it the way that you love me
every single night?
# I'm addicted to you
# Girl, you got me in a spell
# So hard to break it
# I'm gonna need some help
# Oh, help me, darling
# Yeah, would it be so wrong
# Yeah, would it be so wrong
# To stay like this forever?
# Cos, baby, there's just one thing
I need you to know
# You are the best thing
# You are the best thing
# I can't compare you
# To anything I've ever known
# Oooh, oh, oh
# You are the best thing
# You are the best thing
# Oooh, oh
# I don't deserve you
♪ But I pray you'll stay with me. ♪
Boo! Boo!
Pick it up, pick it up!
No, no, just get off, get off me!
Right, perfect. Here we go.
Ready? One, two...
Yay!
No, as long as you send it
before 12, that should be fine.
Let me take a message for you.
Yeah, OK.
That's not...
Hello. We're the new temps.
What's up?
Right, I just need to get your...
your photos for your passes.
Yeah, we know the drill.
Up on the chairs? Yeah.
There you go.
Oh, that's nice.
That's really good. Yeah.
OK, thanks.
You're welcome.
See ya later. See ya.
See ya.
What did I tell you, Charlie?
Babylon.
And ting.
See you on the ice.
We're going to have to convert
everything out to docx, OK?
I'm going to talk to HR about
getting a bit of extra time but...
No, no, wrap it up. It's very good.
OK.
Sorry, was there something that...?
Oh, yeah, OK.
Just wondered if you fancied
a quick flirt with me now?
OK, yeah. Cool.
So, what's your name?
Louise.
Louise. So, Louise,
do you have any pets?
I've got a cat.
A cat? Cool, I can get on with cats.
What's it called? Cocoa.
Like the hot drink? Yeah.
You're like cocoa cos you're hot,
you're sweet
and you're popular at bedtime.
OK then, catch ya later, Cocoa Pop.
Cheers, fella.
So I'm going to talk to HR...
Yes, I'm The New Guy,
yes, I have a motorbike
and if we're going to have
a future together,
you're going to have to get over it,
OK?
OK.
So, hop on,
and bring your little salad.
Where do you want to go?
Human Resources?
Human Resources?
I didn't know they did that.
Sounds cruel but we can go there.
It's quite a tight corner.
Yes, boy.
What's up?
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
How long are you in town?
I'm on a temporary contract
till Friday.
Guess I'll see you round.
I guess you will.
Hey, that's my bike!
Is it?
Here.
Next please.
All right. Thanks.
They always seem to deliver
when I'm out.
No problem. I'll just go get it.
All right, Steve?
Come on, down the ladder, Steve.
Follow me!
Come on, Steve!
OK, Steve, you've got two minutes
to retrieve the parcel, OK?
Are you ready to go?
Yeah.
Your time starts... now!
Close the door.
OK, I can see the parcel.
I can see the parcel!
Go for it, Steve!
Come on, Steve!
There's a pole. I've got a pole.
Pole vault, Steve.
Use it as a pole vault.
- There you go.
- Yes!
You all right, Steve?
Twisted my ankle.
Not even 30 seconds in
and he's already injured!
Not looking good for Steve.
There you are, steady, steady.
So keep your knees up, Steve,
that's...
Don't touch the ground, Steve.
Don't touch the floor, Steve.
Making a meal outta that, Steve.
How much time do I have left?
Nearly halfway.
OK, I'm coming out.
No, Steve, you're not!
Keep going, keep going!
OK, I'm across, I'm across.
One minute, Steve.
I can't reach it.
Yes, you can!
Maybe try balancing on the prism,
Steve.
Yes! That's it!
Bamboo sticks! Bamboo sticks!
Pulls outward, Steve.
Pull them out, Steve!
There's a padlock!
There's a padlock!
OK, I'm coming out.
No, you're not!
On the wall, Steve!
Come on, concentrate!
I am fucking concentrating!
Ooh, language, Steve, language.
No need to swear, Steve.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
All right, I've got the key.
Yes! Good, good, good.
Come on, Steve, come on!
You're nearly there,
you're nearly there.
20 seconds, Steve!
Throw the parcel! Throw the parcel!
Yes, Steve!
Come on, Steve, come on!
Ten, nine, eight...
Come on, Steve!
..seven, six...
..five, four, three, two...
Clear out the way, clear out the way.
Here he comes.
Let's go, come on!
Sorry it took so long.
Thanks.
Sorry, I've got quite a few.
I've been on holiday.
Oh, fuck!
'They say you can find love
in the most random places.
'Honky-tonks, boozys,
funky buddhas,
'but sometimes you need
to stop looking
'and let that crazy little
thing called love find you.'
Oh, my God! My coconut!
I think you dropped this.
Namaste.
Namaste? Are you Indian?
Well, I'm a yoga instructor
on the King's Road so,
I guess in a way I am, yeah. Wow.
What's your name?
My name is Simon Phoenix.
Hey, I got a class at four o'clock,
you should come.
I'd love to come.
Fantastic. Hey, and your friend
is more than welcome.
Bye, Simon Phoenix.
'Destiny had led me here to
find love and inner peace.'
Hiya, guys!
Hi, Simon Phoenix.
Please take your places
at the front of your mats
and just clear your minds.
OK? Don't think about the
outside world, exist in the now.
It's just you, your mats and me.
Simon Phoenix.
Here at Yoga Bunnies
on the King's Road,
in between Jack Wills and Monsoon,
with The Kooples...
..just opposite.
OK, great.
Everybody into downward dog.
Downward dog, done it. Next.
Namaste.
Just relax into me, OK?
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
You're great. Really good.
I think someone's done this before.
Ah! I can't do it
Simon Phoenix, I need your help.
All right, Rachel, come on.
Let's get you up on your feet.
Let's get you breathing.
Warrior two.
Just ignore everybody else, OK?
Yeah.
Just you and me in the room.
You and me -
Simon Phoenix.
You've changed me.
Guys, no. It's cool,
just means she's doing it right.
OK, Yumi?
Sank you.
Relax into the pose,
don't be scared.
I want you to push yourself.
That feels really nice.
It's OK.
It's OK, don't worry.
Just relax, concentrate
on your breathing. OK?
OK, it's fine. Guys, it's fine.
Just...
Yam...
Namast...
Are you done?
OK, you know what? Fuck you!
That's not cool.
Come on, yogis. We're out.
Simon Phoenix! No!
Simon Phoenix!
What did you do?
I don't even know what that was.
Tell me!
Involuntary.
I'm actually scared of you
right now. Fucking devil bat.
Come on, Olivia.
Rachel!
Please!
Ay!
Hey, baby!
Hey!
Come on, tough girl.
Hey, don't be scared, girl.
We just...
You need a car?
See you later.
Hey! What's cookin', good looks?
Somebody looks like
he's in a good mood.
I just done a pick-up from Gatwick.
Beautiful girl, very good tipper.
So what's happening?
Any action?
Maybe you should ask your partner.
He's not happy with you.
Aye, so what's new?
He's never happy with me.
Guys! What's happening?
You betrayed me! You stole my fare!
I take her to the airport,
I bring her back from the airport.
That's the rule!
Well, maybe rules are there to be
broken! You taught me that!
When you came in here,
you knew nothing.
I taught you about shortcut,
speed bump, tube carriage,
roundabout, zebra cross,
pelican cross,
toucan cross -
and this is how you repay me?
I should kill you.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Do it!
Do it now!
Hey, hey! Hashtag, Bukake,
put your willies away.
This isn't a fighting ring!
Now then, I have a job.
A two man job.
A student.
She needs to move all her belongings
to her new campus tomorrow.
A lot of waiting around -
tick-tock, tick-tock.
Two man job?
There is no two.
From now on,
I work alone.
Hey! Hashtag sure looks pissed, man!
What did you do?
Get lost, Scooterman.
Yeah, well I'm just saying, man,
if you're looking for a new partner,
I'm your man, man.
Think about it.
Bukake and Scooterman - I mean, woo!
It's got a nice ring to it.
At least think about it.
I'll suck your dick, man!
So, student lady,
what will you be studying?
Political Science.
Political Science,
I love Political Science.
Arse.
Yes!
I almost gave up on you, Bukake.
You thought I'd let you
do this alone?
Partners?
Partners.
There you go, darling.
Hey, Hashtag?
You ever think about doing
something different?
What do you mean?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe there's more to life than
driving mini-cab.
What, like being a florist?
You crazy, Bukake.
Maybe.
Yep. Turn. No, the other way.
The other way.
The other way. The other way.
No, that way.
No.
My next guest has inspired
and captivated those around him.
In a relatively
short period of time,
he has had roles
as varied and challenging
as a sales assistant
in River Island,
followed by a bit of telesales,
before his big break
at the IT firm Pipex.
In 1990-99,
he was honoured with an HMV
store voucher as a leaving gift.
His name, of course,
is Simon Martin,
and I've been given the
rare opportunity to interview him.
Let's go and meet him.
Simon Martin,
welcome to I Know Your Name.
Let's start at the beginning.
At just the tender age of 19,
you landed your first big break
at the well-known sports chain,
Foot Locker.
Tell us a little bit about that.
Well, I remember walking into
what can only really
be described as a trainer store.
I approached the counter
and spoke with the manager,
who took me into his office
and, you know, sat me down.
And I'll never forget the very
first thing that he asked me -
and that was whether
I was looking for
full-time or part-time employment.
Now, you can imagine, you know,
my mind was racing.
I'm thinking to myself, you know,
"Get this right, Simon.
"For God's sake, get this right."
And so what did you say?
I said part-time.
You know, I had to -
this was the '90s.
I'd like to quote
an extract from your CV, if I may?
OK.
"I work well, both individually
and as part of a team."
I mean, where, from whom,
did you glean such knowledge?
Well, you know, I've been
very fortunate throughout my career
to have worked with some truly
remarkable, remarkable people.
None more so than Liz Stanmore,
whom of course you know
as head of recruitment at Adecco.
And it was of course Liz who
taught me that when writing my CV,
to always include my name clearly,
in large, bold font, you know?
That was Liz, you know?
And, of course, you know,
Liz went on to become
a huge inspiration to you
throughout your career.
But with such giddy heights
come the inevitable lows.
Yep.
Tell us
what happened next to Simon Martin.
Well, look, OK - you gotta understand
that around this time,
I was 28 and a half years old,
earning £22,000 a year -
before tax.
You know, silly money.
I mean, that's just unheard of.
Sure.
I was out literally
two, three nights a week,
hitting all the hotspots - All Bar One,
Pitcher & Piano, Slug and Lettuce.
I remember on one occasion
turning up to work
slightly hung-over, you know?
You just... you just don't do that.
Yeah, I was out of control.
Out of control.
And it was at that point...
that I remember
something my father taught me,
shortly before he passed away...
Simon Martin, for years
you have brought joy and happiness
to some people
throughout your career.
I for one look forward to following
your wonderful, wonderful journey.
Simon Martin, I know your name.
Thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me, Daniel.
My name's Banksy,
and I'm a street artist.
Um... stencils, stencils.
It's Wednesday,
which is Jill's book club.
So to keep from
getting under her feet,
I'm going to take my step-son Daniel
out with me
to do one of my pictures.
I think that's us, Daniel.
Spray cans.
Oh, God, what am I like?
"I mo..." What is it now, Banksy?
Sorry. Have you seen my spray cans?
In the shoe box under the stairs.
Oh, right, yeah.
I'm gonna take Daniel to Hepton Farm
to spray a beef burger onto a horse.
Message being -
"horse meat scandal".
Come on then, Daniel.
"An explosion in my mouth.
"He has ejaculated
all over my face."
Jump in the front.
Daniel,
do you want to hold the guide rope
while Daddy hammers in the peggies?
Piss off. OK.
Our adventures offer Daniel and I
an opportunity to bond
and open up, mano-a-mano.
Daniel, do you want to
put your PlayStation away now?
I may not be your father, Daniel...
but I am the man who has regular
intercourse with your mother.
Oh, my days.
But do you know, the last time
I was in this tent
was when me
and your mother first got together?
We'd only been intimate
for a few weeks,
so you can imagine
what we were like.
It was like a bloody sweat lodge
in here, Daniel, honestly.
And your mother used to have
this lovely long red hair,
right down to the small of her back,
and it was that long that I used to
wrap it round my hand,
several times over, and I'd be
clinging on for dear life.
Just like a rodeo star.
I suppose
we should get some shut-eye.
Daddy loves you.
You're not my dad.
Wake up, Daniel.
It's time to do
our political activism.
Come on, Daniel, wake up.
Wake up. Fuck's sake!
This is my first experience
of working with a live canvas,
and I have to say, I'm so excited.
Look at her.
There's a lovely white horse.
Hello.
OK, hold this stencil up
on her hind legs.
OK.
Look at that, Daniel. Perfect.
Why don't you get on the horsey,
Daniel,
and I can take a photo of you
next to the beef burger?
No. You're all right, mate. No?
Come on, Daniel, Mummy will love it.
Up you get.
She's all right.
That's it, Daniel.
Nice big smile.
Got the beef burger in.
OK.
Fucking prick!
Try and calm him down a bit.
He's just a little bit agitated.
Daniel!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Daniel, come back! Daniel!
Come back, Daniel! Somebody help!
Daddy's gonna save you!
You're not my dad!
Prick!
Well, Jill's gonna go nanas!
She did indeed go absolutely nanas,
but I'm happy to say,
Daniel escaped unscathed.
There he is.
There's Daniel on the horsey.
He must have covered 90 miles
that day.
You ended up in Rickmansworth,
didn't you, Daniel?
Hey, girl.
There's something
I've been meaning to say...
♪ Oooh... ♪
..about you, me,
and everything we can be together.
♪ Oooh, yeah... ♪
Listen up. Yeah.
# Is it the way that you talk?
# Is it the way that you smile?
# Is it the way that you love me
every single night?
# I'm addicted to you
# Girl, you got me in a spell
# So hard to break it
# I'm gonna need some help
# Oh, help me, darling
# Yeah, would it be so wrong
# Yeah, would it be so wrong
# To stay like this forever?
# Cos, baby, there's just one thing
I need you to know
# You are the best thing
# You are the best thing
# I can't compare you
# To anything I've ever known
# Oooh, oh, oh
# You are the best thing
# You are the best thing
# Oooh, oh
# I don't deserve you
♪ But I pray you'll stay with me. ♪