Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Episode #5.9 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[man] Every day,

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've found a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

After all, there's nothing like

seeing the antics
of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV.

You'll laugh, I'll cry,

and after an intervention
from the production team

I'll get the therapy
that I badly need.

Yes, Wesley, yep,
that is absolutely a hint,

and not a subtle one.

Oh, and of course, we'll have
out usually cluster of top items

to keep you entertained
and involved in the proceedings.

Anyway, that's enough about my
impending nervous breakdown,


As the consummate professional
always says, on with the show.

[theme music playing]

Okay, so I like getting
from A to B pretty sharpish,

everyone does right!

But what that doesn't mean is,
throw all rules out the window,

floor it and hope for the best.

For those people that seem
to think that's the case,

I've got news for you,
it never ends well.

This clip is a sneak peak

at the next installment
of that cherished series...

Fast & Furious 34,
Dystopian Drift.

Away from that smog-filled
air now, and to the country.

All looks well so far?

Oh Lord!

Are you trying to give me
a heart attack today?

Hey look, on the "flip side" at
least everyone's okay!

And now we're certain
they are okay,

we can have another look
at that in glorious slo-mo.

Very lucky people.

Again, some people
just have no patience.

Overtaking at speed
on a motorway

is never a good idea,

as this driver
is about to show us!

Well, Schmitz my Cargobull!

That's what I call a smash.

[tires screeching]

These two old schoolmates

wanted to keep their lifelong
game of tag going

for as long as possible.

But there's always one
who takes it too far.

Metal on metal doesn't count!

Ever since his wife
had asked for divorce,

Alan was looking to get
that spark back

in their relationship.

Alan, my friend,

that's certainly
not the way to do it.

Let me tell you.

Car Crash TV is not only here
to entertain,

but to provide
a vital public service.

Yes, we are now ensuring drivers
follow the letter of the law!

For this, we have acquired
the services

of retired Glasgow Metropolitan
Police Officer, Jock McSwingan.

Jock is here to administer some
justice for those menace drivers

and send them down
for a bowl of porridge.

Lock em up Jock!

So, you just pull out and ignore
the rules, do you, eh, laddy?

Well you better get used
to following them

as you're going
behind bars.

Big fan of chasing the garbage,
eh, pal?

Good job, as that's your life
for the next year.

See you... behind bars.

Looks like they're out today,
pack your bags, pal,

you're joining that wee devil
in the slammer...

behind bars

Well. bless my haggis
that was quite the smash.

Certainly secured his spot,
behind bars

Want to be first in the queue,
do you, son?

I can't wait for you to try
that one with Scary Steve,

when you're... behind bars.

You might push the big guys
out the way,

but you're a brave man
if you try that with Big Pete.

Behind bars.

Just look at this.

Is patience a thing of the past
these days!

You better have some patience
in the yard

because you're going...
behind bars.

Hold my Irn Bru
and pass me the keys,

this driver is being fast tracked,

behind bars.

Is there such a thing
as optimum driving conditions?

I've heard them mentioned before

but never really been sure
what they are.

I do have a pretty good idea

what aren't optimum driving
conditions though,

they involve low temperatures,
frozen water

and a sprinkling
of the white stuff.

Now, onto the evidence!

This is probably my favorite
Car Crash TV clip ever.

Not because of the wonderful
scenery we're traveling through,

though it is making me feel
very festive.

And not because of the shock
of seeing that sheet of ice

smash through the windscreen.

No, it's because through
the whole traumatic event

the driver manages
to keep a firm grip on his fag.

Now that's addiction!

These days people buy big 4x4s
in order to keep themselves safe

and crucially on the road
rather than off it.

But the gentle beasts
weren't really designed

for the school run.

It was inevitable that they
would eventually try to return

to their natural habitat.

I know being stuck behind a Lada
is a pain,

even one that is
of the 4x4 variety,

but over taking
in heavy snow...

Is going to leave you
with a much worse pain,

and good of the Lada driver

to stop and check
they were okay!

Some people take road signs
too literally.

It means left turn ahead not
left turn now you great berk.

If you are going to take
to the roads in the snow,

please don't go off halfcocked.

I said don't go off halfcocked.

Good grief, the weather seems
to be getting worse and worse.

Has somebody dumped Elsa again?

She's a character
from a Disney movie.

Do you know anything
about popular culture?

What do you mean
I missed something.

Fine wind it back.

Oh, I see...

And to think I was gonna
tell you to "Let It Go" as well.


Okay, you've justified the clip
but you've ruined the joke!

Now, in this clip,
you're going to think

you know who's responsible
for this crash.

You think it's
the little blue van, don't you?

But check out
the steamy windows,

somebody's mind
was elsewhere me thinks.

Dirty boy.

Did you know that if the
temperature drops dramatically

it might cause your wheel nuts
to shatter?

That van driver does.

And that one.

Anyone else want to learn
a harsh lesson today?

Coming up later on Car Crash TV.


We'll try not to fall
foul of some Vicious Cycles.

Learn The First Rule
about Night Club.

[upbeat music playing]

And spend some time investigating

The Scene Of The Crime.

Now, before all that,

keeping your brain active
is very important.

Here at CCTV, we do care
about our viewers

so it's time to put
your noggin to the test!

It's What Happens Next!

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

So, what did happen next?

Any ideas?

Yes, judgement day is upon us!

Repent for all the drinking,

smoking and purchased
Coldplay records.

[tires screeching]


As you watch this show
you may be asking yourself

is there ever a safe time
to take to the road?

The answer is, of course
there isn't,

there are prat's everywhere

who refuse to adhere
to the basic laws of the road

and have little
or no common sense.

But is there a more dangerous
time to venture onto the roads?

Oh, most definitely.

The first rule
of nightclub is...

Just don't drive at night,
it's like really dangerous.

Well, that's the end
of that sequence.

Erm, why are you still
showing night clips,

I've wrapped this one up
very succinctly, we can move on.

See, I'm not wrong,
don't drive at night,

you'll knacker your car.

You could just go back
and edit another sequence,

but, God forbid,
anyone other than me

actually does some work
around here.


A question viewers,

do we think the driver
who is fleeing the scene

of this collision has insurance?

I don't like to speculate

but he definitely
isn't stopping.

Is this Dash Cam footage
or a scene

from the critically acclaimed
seminal TV series, "The Wire?"

It's hard to say,
guess we'll have to wait and see

if someone tries
to purchase some narcotics.

Phew, that's a relief,

HBO would have sued
the hell out of us.

Crash course in being
an idiot on the road now.

Here he goes, speedy McGee.

So, speeding and running
a light, hey?

Ah, that sweet, sweet karma.

Mmm, now is this dusk
or dawn I wonder?

Yep, dawn, those were definitely
the actions of someone

who's not partaken in
their first coffee of the day.

This is new, handheld Dash Cam.

Oh! It's like watching
a Jason Bourne film.

I can't condone
the technique though.

The whole point of the Dash Cam
is to help identify bad drivers

in order to aid
insurance claims,

and you'll be identifying
no one with this footage.

See, this is better,

I can clearly read
the number plate

of the pillock in the white car

so the dash
cam has done its job.

Although we've had to blur it
for you fine people,

yeah, morons have rights too
I'm afraid.

Don't get me wrong, Dash Cams
don't capture everything.

But I think it's safe to say

you can identify
that driver in person,

after a collision like that.

His car isn't going
anywhere fast.

Here at CCTV,

we love nothing more than
coming up with new ways

to show you a good old smash.

Combined with something

to make it, you know,
a bit less brutal.

So, five series
in our production team

have knocked
their heads together

and come up
with this year's intuitive

and captivating feature,
It's Vehicular Bowling!

For the uninitiated the rules
are simple a car is the ball,

the other cars the pins,

if we go into any more detail
the whole item will fall apart.

So, let's instead hand your over
to our commentator Dustin True,

all the way from the US of A
to take you through proceedings.

Good evening folks,
yep, it's that time once again!


First up we have got
Abraham Johnson

from the good state of Arkansas.

And, boy,
is he off to a fine start.

Look at that spin!

That is some fine ball work
from this young man.


[tire screeching]

Now, here we have promising form

from young Mary Lou
of Louisville, Louisiana.

Some troubling conditions
out here on the lanes folks,

which could be her downfall.

Ah, close yet so far.

Real shame. Gutterball!

Now we're expecting
a masterclass here

from Billy Rae Jensen
of North Carolina.

Well, pull my pork
and call me a redneck,

I ain't never in all my years
of commentating

seen a spin like that, a true
master at work here, folks.

And, boy, did that pay off.

What a crowd-pleasing result
from a player

who is simply at the top
of his game.

Okay, here we got
Big Sal from Montana

and, boy, is she a force
to be reckoned with.

And the game is on!

Fine form on the approach.

Oh, a slight wobble there

but the spin can bring it
all back into play.


Oh, Sal, you've made
Montana proud.

Keep on a munchin them corndogs!

Next up we have

Harry "The Hit" Harrison
from Maine.

My God.

Now that folk
was a fall from grace

from a former world champion,
let me see that again.

Oh, boy.

No lobster for you son.


Up next, we got Young Carlton
from upstate New York.

This young man has shown
promising form this season,

but we're gonna gloss over
that unfortunate incident

with the racoon,
less said the better.

Not the best performance
but not the worst.

He's at least picked up a spare.

Our final player
now you all watching at home,

it's Katie Mcgraw of Illinois.

This tough gal won't let these
conditions dampen her play.

And boy would you look at that.

Like a Texan to a barbeque,
boy, what a hit.

That secures her Turkey
and the game.

[tire screeches]

Join us again soon for more,
Vehicular Bowling.

Now, there are two types
of people in this world,

those that like to travel
on four wheels

and those that like to travel
on two.

Me, I'm a four-wheel
kind of guy.

I want stability and safety
when I travel,

but in this next batch of clips

sadly we're focusing
on the other type of people,

who just want to watch
the world burn!

The biker on the right

has found himself
in a bit of a pickle,

his horn doesn't work!

Someone tell
the producer it's okay,

he's not the only one.

Fortunately, though, he's
very adept at improvisation.

Talk about using you head.

Oh, for god's sake,

get the writer in here
so I can strike him!

[upbeat music playing]

Okay, everyone,
serious hat on now.

Yes, we like to have fun
on this show

but there was nothing fun
about that at all.

Fortunately, everyone was okay.

But if you are thinking
about riding a motorbike

for pity's sake, be careful.

Now, anyone who's ever driven

knows that negotiating cyclists
can be a tricky bit of business.

And it seems they don't even
have to be riding the things

in order to cause inconvenience
on the roads.

Must have seen a strip of green
tarmac and got over excited.

Here's a question,

if a cyclist wants to use
a pedestrian crossing,

should they get off their bike

and walk across
rather than ride?

Of course, they should,
on the bike you are a cyclist,

off it you are a pedestrian,
get it!

See, no one's rushing
to your aid!

I spy with my little eye
an undertaker on a motorbike.

I'm not sure my heart can handle
this sort of rage!

Someone fetch my Beta Blockers.

Actually, make that a cigarette,

I suddenly feel
very, very satisfied.

I hate this guy.

Just because you've got
a motorbike

you think you can use
this little bit of non-road

while the rest of these
good people

suffer the agony
of the traffic jam.

In school I hated copycats
but now I downright love them.

You know what I've been
pretty hard on bikers

in this little section but
I'm sure they aren't all bad.

Take Dr. Doolittle here,

stopping traffic so he can
rescue an injured bird.

What a guy right?


You see this is rush hour
and in holding up the traffic

he's actually inducing road rage

in all the people
he's currently inconveniencing.

He's just made the road
a much more dangerous place,

and not just for birds!

Now it's all well and good
having a laugh

at some berk tearing
their bonnet off

or knocking some lights over.

But now and then

we come across a crash
that leaves no room for jokes.

These crashes leave a sour taste
in the mouth,

and to get to the bottom of them
we have enlisted the help

of retired private detective
Chip Kowolski.

If anyone can crack these cases,
Chip can.

Handing you over.

Evening yawl, Chip here.

Now I believe we got some
horrors to get to the bottom of.

What do we got here,

looks like someone
in the smoke to me.

Let's wind back the clock

and see how we got
into this mess.

Okay, so someone's gonna
smoke up suburbia are they.

Not on my watch,
this sleepy old town

doesn't deserve this kind
of destruction.

But just who on god's green
earth is the perp here.

Ah, well, look at that,
boy, racer in his VW.

I might have known.

Well, son,
you just broke the law.

And I follow it to the letter!

Show this punk the slammer.

Chaos at Christmas.

Ain't nobody spoiling the most
wonderful time of the year

for the folk of this town
and gettin away with it.

Let me see
what the deal is here.

Now this time of year is no time

to be fooling around
on the roads.

Someone is about to make
a bad choice here.

I can feel it.

Sweet Jesus!

That was one hell of an impact!

This driver is gonna be eating
turkey in a cell!

Lock this bozo up
I've seen enough.

How did this fella
end up down here?

I guess he wasn't planning
on going off road.

Someone has been stitched up.

Wind this tape back
and I'll take a look.

Oh my, well, from the off here
this fella did the right thing.

Nobody is going head-on
with an 18-wheeler

and coming out a better man
that's for sure!

Okay, I can just about stomach
one more of these hell raisers.

And, boy, is this guy in a mess.

Someone has caused
a real stinker here folks,

let's see who's gonna
serve some time.

This is one hell of a junction,

if you don't play
by the rules here,

you're sure as God
gonna pay the price.

Well, strike me down
that is one nasty smash.

It seems our driver
making friends

with that there lamppost
wasn't following the rules,

so once he's stitched up,
he's getting banged up!

That's it!

There is no more, at least
for this episode that is.

Rest assured though as long as
people keep crashing cars

and someone keeps depositing
a meager amount of cash

in my bank account,

we'll keep churning this show
out till the day, I die!

[theme music playing]