Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Episode #5.8 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Every day more and more people
are filming their journeys...

- [tires screeching]
- [crashing]

...which can often end
in disaster!


With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able

to find a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

[horn blaring]

[dogs barking]

From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous.

The funny,
to the downright dangerous.


Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the scene of the crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers

to help us become better ones.

And please remember,
on all the clips,

that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

- Still to come on the show...
- [crashes]

- A cavalcade of catastrophes.
- [crashing]

- A deluge of disasters.
- [crashes]

- A miasma of misfortune.
- [crashes]

Good to see
the writer took the hint

when I left that thesaurus
in his office.

And of course,
we'll be exposing your eyes

to some of the best features

our production team
have managed to come up with.

Honestly, guys,

you've really raised
your game this series.

And you know what,

I'm giving
some serious consideration

- to actually paying you.
- [horn honking]

- Maybe! In a few weeks...
- [crashing]

Got to keep you motivated
after all.


We're all consumers,

and nothing will quench
our desire for new stuff.

we want bigger,
better, shinier things,

and we want them now,
delivered right to our door.

That means we're going to need

lots of bigger, better,
shinier vehicles.


In the past,

I may have been less
than complimentary about trucks

and those that drive them,

but let's be fair,

they do provide us
with a valuable service.

In fact,
some of them even multi-task.

- See, that one has come...
- [crashing] the aid
of the stricken vehicle

at the side of the road.

Not stricken anymore is it,
definitely moving again?

If you were a truck driver

in charge
of an enormous vehicle,

what's the first thing you'd do

when you parked up
to unload said enormous vehicle?

I mean,
after you've changed the month

on the obscene calendar
that resides in your cab

and eaten a pasty fresh
from your onboard microwave.

That's right,
you'd put your handbrake on.

[horn honking]

Fair play to the guy
for trying to stop the thing,

but who are you kidding, pal,
you aren't exactly ripped?

And bravo to the rest
of the town's residence

for rushing to your aid.

Look at them,
couldn't give a [bleep].

Couldn't just have queued
behind me, could you?

Oh, no,
because you're a taxi driver,

you're much more important
than the rest of the road users,

so have to try
by any means necessary

to get an edge.

And I bet you think
it's worth the hatred

that other drivers project
on you, don't you?

- [horn honking]
- [crashes]

Worth it now?

I can't wait
till they get Uber in this town.

Are those real trees? If so,
they're incredibly uniform.

How the hell
have they achieved this?

This feels like
a real breakthrough

- in plant genetics.
- [crashes]

What? Oh, oh, yeah,
car crash, yikes!

I could focus on the scrape

between the truck
and the trolley bus.

Okay, I guess,
but no, I want to focus on this.

What on God's green earth
is that thing?

My understanding

that trucks should
really occupy the inside lane

so as to allow
the quicker vehicles

such as cars and motorbikes
to overtake more freely.


Okay, thanks for listening,

but at least wait
for the inside lane to be clear.

I thought that was a given.

And if being crashed into
by a truck wasn't bad enough,

now someone's nicking
his rear bumper.

This guy's having
an absolute stinker.

Someone's got a dirty bottom.

[horns blaring]

- [thuds]
- [tires skidding]

Okay, that's a fabric,
so could work,

but I think
a trip to the car wash

will be more effective.

of effective car washes.

They don't get
more efficient than that.

Do I get a free air freshener?

- Here at "Car Crash TV"...
- [crashes]

...we may revel
in the misfortune of others,

but sometimes,
a crash comes along

that just leaves us
shaken to the core.

And these crashes mean we have
to put our detective to work,

- [crashing]
- I'm handing you over

to private detective
Chip Kowolski.

He'll get
to the grisly bottom of it.

Evening, y'all.
Chip Kowolski here.

So, what have we got
going on here then?

Looks like a crossroads smash
to me folks,

some bozo is in the wrong.

And boy am I going to get
to the bottom of it.

Let's wind back the tape
and take a look, shall we?

Okay, let's see here.

Ah, we have a bit of a racer
on our hands, do we?

Well, I've been in this game
for a long-time, son,

and I know how this ends.

Guilty as charged.

Rain, it always rains
in this godforsaken town.

What are we dealing with here?

Looks to me like somebody
is seeing red.

What's got this guy
all riled up?

Let's wind back the clock
and take a look.

Okay, so our chap
in the Salon here

is following
the letter of the law,

- green light, go.
- [tires screeching]


Oh, and here it is.

Not only seeing red,
but running red.

I've seen enough here
to show this guy the slammer.

Okay, I can just about stomach
one more of these scumbags

before I leave this crazy town
for good.

What the...?

As God is my witness,

I ain't never seen a car
go sideways.

Something's not right here,

and by the good state of Texas,
Imma find out what.

This all looks good to me
so far.

What the...?

This sunnavagun is already
changing which lane he's in,

- then indicating!
- [crashing]

Ain't never seen such lunacy.
This fella needs the asylum!

- [tires screeching]
- I remember the good old days

when if you had no grasp
of how contraception worked,

you'd have to buy and estate car

in order to transport
your brood,

so they could drain the planet
of its resources.

- In the modern world though...
- [horn blaring]

those people obsessed
with overpopulating the planet

have been catered for
by the automotive industry,

and I for one am not happy
with the results!

Now, that may be
a flashing red light,

but it is a red light nonetheless,

so probably best to stop.

[engine revving]


Also, probably best

to not ignore
said flashing red light

when in the presence of the law.

- [siren wailing]
- Guess what folks?

we have another case
of schadenfreude here.

Any of you bother
to look up what it means yet?

You probably should,
I'm going to keep using it.

I don't know,
maybe use your wipers?

Not that I care
about your safety,

you understand?

I couldn't give a monkey's,
whether or not you live or die.

Oh, great,
we've missed the crash.

Thanks a lot.

Now, we're going
to get complaints

and about something
other than me

not explaining
what schadenfreude means.

Hm, everyone's braking
pretty aggressively,

maybe you should, too,
my friend.


Look, I don't want to do myself
out of some work,

but are you sure
you want to keep employing me,

nobody listens!


Well, he made that look easy,

perfect way
to circumnavigate the traffic.

You've got a 4x4,

maybe you should copy
his arrogant behavior.

After all, why should you sit
in traffic like everyone else,

- the rules don't apply to you.
- [engine revs]

You own a 4x4,
you're the big man on campus,

the top dog,
the alpha male, you show them.

[tires screeching]

Well, this is getting
embarrassing, isn't it?

Still, it could be worse.

You could be failing
at the simple act

of driving up the curb

in a vehicle perfectly designed
for such a task

in front of a large crowd

who would have
nothing better to do

but point and laugh at you.

Guess what viewers, schadenfreude.

[tires screeching]

Uh-oh, here comes a Range Rover.

I wonder if the driver
has a sense of entitlement

and believes
the road belongs to him.

Let's find out.

- [tires skidding]
- [crashes]

Of course he does.

If you don't have
those two qualities,

they won't sell you one.

Seems like this town is full
of people with those qualities.

[horn blaring]

Hm, I'm guessing
we're in London then.

This Security Guard works
for the Pope,

and he's got wind
that an atheist is en route

to the local church
to say something blasphemous.

Not on his watch!

- [horn blaring]
- [crashes]

Bless him, Father,
for he has sinned.

Okay, now it's time
to take a look at those people

that really go for it

when it comes to being
the biggest prat on the road.

Yes, that's right, it's time
to play "Identify the Idiot"!

I want to hear you
shake those fists

and shout more than Piers Morgan
at a vegan festival.

- What an angry little man.
- [crashes]

- [alarm blaring]
- Let's see our first idiot!

Okay, here we go.

Now, which of our drivers here
is going to be the one

to put their foot in it,
I wonder?

That's the beauty of this game.

There are just
so many possibilities.

Oh, the excitement.

There's a reason
why we're on Series 5, people.

Anyway, Idiot coming
in three, two...

- [horn blaring]
- [tires screeching]

Oh, he got away

before I could point
my pointy thing at him.

That will never do.

Uh, Mr Editor, if you please.
Audience, if you please.

- [alarm blares]
- Idiot.

- [horn blaring]
- [tires screeching]

Right, onto our next clip now,

and it seems this driver
has printed a handy copy

of the highway code

on the back of their car.

So, sensible drivers now know
to take extra care

in these sludge conditions.

But, who will heed notice.

Surely Highway Code man
is all over this.

But, someone is about
to meet a sludgy end.

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

It's all well and good having
the highway code

on the boot of your car,

but if you're as blind as a bat,

and speeding
in these conditions,

- then you are an Idiot.
- [alarm blares]

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

The night time brings
added danger to the road.

It also brings out
weapons grade idiots.

So, proceed with caution.

Remember, folks,
they come out at night!

Can you spot who is about
to make a monumental cock up?

Oh, I'm sorry,

have we been transported
to a parallel universe

where red means go
and my wife still loves me?


Cut it out! No,
you deserve everything you get.

- [alarm blares]
- Idiot.

Now, viewers,
we head into our final clip,

and it seems the drivers
haven't heeded our warning,

don't go out at night!

It's full of yobs, boy racers,
and people named Clive.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Clive!

And drivers
with no grasp of basic skills.

Did you spot who our idiot was?

Yep, there it is folks.

Our driver was right all along,
and we found our...

- [alarm blares]
- ...idiot

[tires screeching]

- [crashes]
- [horn honking]

Coming up later
on "Car Crash TV".

We'll see if we can find out

who is The Man Behind The Van.


Get the latest reviews
hot off the press

- in "Rate My Ride".
- [crashes]

Before getting tucked in

for a bit
of "Night Time Nonsense".


But before those pile ups,
we have one more for you.

I know, I know. We are too kind.

It's "What Happens Next?"

Welcome back to "Car Crash TV".

Let's find out
"What Happened Next", shall we?

Now, I'm afraid the future
isn't looking bright

for these drivers.

his Lada is going to bring
destruction to the roads.

- [crashing]
- [tires screeching]


It has summoned a people carrier
from the depths of the earth

to wipe this poor driver
off the road.

They really are foul beasts.

What happens
when you eat too much cake?

That's right you,

put on a bit of weight
and expand in size.

And that's basically
what a van is,

a car that's greedy
with no self-control.

No, Wesley,
I'm not talking about you.

As I explained to Janet from HR,

I've learned my lesson,

and will not fat shame you
in public again...

for the fifth time,
or is it sixth?

I've lost count
after the summer BBQ incident

in '09.

When you load your van,

it's important to distribute
the weight of your payload

equally around the service area, why?

Well, seeing as I don't have
a degree in science,

I can't answer that question,

so I'll just let this clip
speak for me.


Who needs school, eh,

when you can get just
as good an education

- from "Car Crash TV"?
- [crashing]

Sibling rivalry
amongst vehicles now.

Look at this van trying
to catch the attention

of his big brother.

But, little brother
has gotten jealous,

and lashed out.


Don't worry,

just 14 short years

until the little one
heads to uni,

and you can reclaim
some semblance of a life.

On board with the soothsayer

who's switched his dash cam
to rear view mode.

See? He knew that was coming.

Can I have the lottery numbers, please,

and an indication
as to if or when

nuclear war might break out?

Want to make sure I'm prepared.

Now, we all know van drivers
are terrible human beings,

but it turns out,

the vans themselves
are pretty despicable, too.

[bell rings]

Look at that.

Only just given birth,

and already
it's abandoning its off-spring.

Stop shirking
your responsibilities.

So, what did the van
at the front do

to deserve
such a violent shunting?


Well, as well know,
van drivers love their pasties,

and the guy at the front
just got the last steak bake

- from that garage.
- [bell rings]

Apparently, there were
only vegan sausage rolls left,

so the other van driver's

while extreme,
are understandable.

Hm, now this dash cam appears
to be suffering

from a lack of focus.

As is that lorry driver.

And that van driver, too,
after that terrifying incident.

Now, I badly want
to blame the van

for this little collision.

But, I don't think I can.

- [crashes]
- [tires screeching]

Just look at his little face,
like butter wouldn't melt.

Now, this isn't the main focus
of our clip,

but let's just stop a second
and gaze at this horror.

A van towing a caravan,

two of the biggest menaces
on the road

brought together in a hideous
and terrifying coupling,

just ghastly.

- Anyway moving on and--
- [crashing]

Hm, not sure
what's going on here.

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

I can only assume
the driver of the silver car

has some sort of crippling case
of OCD

which meant
he had to perfectly mirror

the actions of the van.

We live in a world where
we can tell our taxi drivers

exactly what we thought of them

without getting
our face smashed in.

All we have to do is post
a scathing review afterwards

from the safety
of our own living rooms.

Here are some
of my favorite taxi reviews

from this week.

- [horn blaring]
- [engine revving]

A young man, who has requested
we do not name him,

had the following to say
about BigBenji687.

"I don't believe Benji
actually has a taxi license.

"In fact, I'm not even convinced

"that the guy
has a driving license.

"Don't get me wrong,
his local knowledge was fine,

"but when it came to his control
over his own vehicle...

"Well, let's just say
I'll see you in court, Benji."

Rachel said that
BareBas91 was "unprofessional".

"It wasn't the fact that he
crashed and nearly killed me,"

she wrote.

"We all have our blips.

"It was that he then spent
40 minutes talking to me

"about how he didn't have insurance,

"and that,
as a single dad of 12,

"he couldn't afford to pay
for the damage.

"I'm not being funny,

"but that [bleep]
is not my problem.

- "And, thanks for the mint."
- [star twinkles]

An unimpressed review here
for TommyBoySinceTheStart.

He spent most of the time
singing "I Like Big Butts"

- and "I Cannot Lie".
- [thuds]

"I think the 'I like big bus
and I cannot drive' remix

"might have been
more appropriate."

Angela had the following
to say about GiveDonnaBone2.

"A driver in a onesie
is one thing...

"But, she had her eyes shut

"for more than 50%
of the journey."

- Hashtag get to bed.
- [star twinkles]

Tommy posted a scathing review
of LumpyLarry919

on the way back from his boat party.

"This guy just wouldn't take
responsibility for anything!

"The address of the boat
wasn't on his sat nav, my fault.

"He didn't know the difference
between drive and reserve,

- "my fault.
- [thuds]

"Bumping into the car
behind him,

"absolutely nothing to do
with him.

"At one point, he even denied
the existence of his car.'

"Larry, I'm not sure
this is the career for you."

[star twinkles]

Our final review of the week
is for NaughtyNigel101.

"Went above and beyond
to suit my needs.

"I asked him for a bang,

"and that's exactly
what he delivered.

"My night was never going
to get better than that,

"so afterwards,

"I asked him to turn around
and take me home."

They say the idiots come out
at night,

and anyone
who's found themselves

on an evening out in Wigan

will know that statement
is incredibly accurate.

Don't believe me?
Well, good news.

I have additional evidence,

and as an added bonus,
you don't have to visit Wigan.

I don't pretend to know much
about highway infrastructure,

but surely a road
with this many lanes

could do
with a central reservation

to avoid confusion.


It's almost like I've seen
these clips before, isn't it?

[engine revving]

- Ah, Las Vegas.
- [horn blaring]

The perfect place to lose
your money, your dignity.

And a couple of wing mirrors apparently.

Let me draw your attention
to the traffic lights.

Look at the vibrant colors,

they really pop at night,
don't they?

- Pretty hard to miss. And yet...
- [crashes]

Beryl, he's doing it again.
He's mooning the truck drivers.

He's going to get us in trouble,
mark my words.

Look, Beryl,

I know, in my profile,
I said I liked kids,

but I'm sorry,
this isn't going to work out.

Should have swiped left.

Look at that lens flare.
Did JJ Abrahams film this one?

- Anyone?
- [crashing]

No film fans in tonight, I see.

Fair enough,
it was a niche joke.

Look, if the audience
aren't prepared to try,

then neither am I!


The layout of those bollards
is almost hypnotic.

- [horn honks]
- [crashes]

Where am I? What's going on?

Why am I naked
from the waist down,

and holding a half-drunk bottle
of Advocaat?

Driving late at night can be

a lonely
and solitary experience,

but don't be afraid
to have a little fun,

after all, no one's looking.

[tire screeching]

Yeah, don't you feel alive now?

[theme music plays]