Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Episode #5.7 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Every day more and more people
are filming their journeys.

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

Which can often end in disaster!


With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able
to find a multitude

of jaw-dropping clips.

[horn blaring]

[dogs barking]

From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous.

The funny,
to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the scene of the crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing

like seeing the antics
of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember,
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one, and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

Coming up on this episode
of "Car Crash TV"...

- The Shock.
- [bear growls]

- The Horror.
- [crashing]

- The Awe.
- [thuds]

And that's just my reaction

to the producer's
new ripped look.

Honestly, you should see him.

From dad bod to god bod
in just two short months.

He looks great,
though I'll be honest,

the roid rage
it's brought out in him

has made things a little tense
in the office.

Sorry, yes, I'll get on with it.
Please don't hurt me.

And we will of course have

the usual collection
of top features

to keep you entertained!

Guys, listen,

I think we need to start
confiscating his protein shake.

Have you ever seen a car so ugly
that it just makes you shudder?

The Lada is that beast,

stuck in the last century
with no sign of moving on,

a bit like a creepy uncle
at a family do.

The next clips show this beast
in all its ghastly glory.

Now, tip number one
is never let your guard down

- in Lada territory.
- [crashes]

These little blighters have
no fear of pulling out

in front of a 16-wheeler.

Because they know they always
have backup around the corner.

This driver
is in real trouble now.

Now this might seem
a little extreme to new viewers.

But these drivers know,

you must keep a distance of 10m
from a Lada at all costs.

People have started
fighting back,

beating them at their own game.

- [crashing]
- Like rats from a sinking ship.

That was a very rare sight
of a Lada owner,

some say the car
takes them hostage.

They may have had
a lucky escape.

In a strange way,

you have to admire the tenacity
of these monsters.

Thinking it can take on a truck.

They're going to take over
one day.

Right, we aren't one
to push stereotypes on here,

but watch this.


Exactly the sort of fella

I would imagine actually wanting
to drive a Lada

and intimidatingly offer

fruit machine advice.

Look, we don't want any trouble,

Causing havoc to other cars
has become a petty crime

to these four-wheeled terrors.

This one is trying
to mug an old man!

Don't fight back!
It'll only get angrier!

It seems the law
is finally catching up

with these thugs of the road.

But don't think they'll give up
without a fight.

Gone, true masters
of the dark arts.

Here at "Car Crash TV",

our primary mission is
to entertain and educate.

However, in order
to claw in some extra cash,

we've come up
with a secondary mission,

to incarcerate!

But as we have no law
enforcement training of any kind

and zero authority,

we've called on the services

of retired Glasgow Metropolitan
Police Officer, Jock McSwingan,

to take to the roads

and gently maneuver
some errant motorists

to reside behind bars!

Like getting in people's faces,
do you?

Well, I'd like to see you
get in the face

- of Governor Johansson...
- [crashes]

...behind bars!

Like picking on someone bigger
than your own size, do you?

You might want to rethink
that life choice behind bars!

Think you can invade
someone else's space, do you?

I'd like to see you try
and invade Shotgun Steve's cell

behind bars!

Don't like sticking
to your side of the road?


Well, I'd definitely advise you

to stick to your side
of the yard,

behind bars!

Always like being
at the front of the queue?

Well, I think
you might change your mind

when you're lining up
for the full body cavity search,

behind bars!

I think you're had might have
slipped on the wheel there,

my friend.

Better make sure you don't slip
on the soap in the showers,

behind bars!

Like venturing out after dark to
cause a bit of trouble do you?

That's a sure-fire way to end up
in solitary confinement,

behind bars!

I see you think it's funny to
give someone the cold shoulder.

Well, don't turn your back
on Cannibal Bob

if you end up sharing his cell
behind bars!

A junction is the point in space
where two roads meet.

And in the case
of this depressing set of clips,

a junction is also the point
in space where two cars meet.

[sigh] Brace for impact.

Night and snow,
a heady combination,

throw in an inconsiderate driver
who doesn't like to indicate

while turning left
from the right-hand lane,

and you've got
"Car Crash TV" gold.

- [crashes]
- [tires screeching]

And just like that the Gods,

or researcher Barney
as he's more commonly known,

answers our prayers.

This sign says
"proceed with caution".


a gaggle of youths thought
it would be funny

to give it
the old 180-treatment.


Ruddy teenagers.

Is there an issue
in society today

that they're not
ultimately responsible for?

Take this for example.

Some witless oink tried
to pay for his fare

using his student card,
holding up this bus.


Bet he didn't even notice that,
gormless git.

Another common fault
with the "yoot"

is their reliance
on digital maps.

I've heard rumors that
they don't look out the window,

they follow the road
on the screen in front of them.

And they can never make
their ruddy minds up!

"I'm gonna go this way.

"Actually no.
No, I'll go down here."


That'll wake him up.
Hit him again just to be sure.

What do you mean that's
enough abuse at millennials

- for one episode?
- [crashes]

Listen, I'm providing
a public service here!

If we don't draw attention
to what they're like,

who the heck will??


[whimsical music plays]

Fine. Fine!

Here's a careless driver
in his 40s.

- [crashes]
- And as you may have noticed,

the damage levels
were no way near as high.

Spot the pensioner

who probably shouldn't have
a driving license any more.

You see?

No one injured

and zero property damage

other than a couple
of flattened daisies.

What can barely speak
cannot lie.

Okay, fine, I won't mention
the age of anyone

in this wince-inducing clip.


All I'm going to say is that

teenagers famously
don't like conflict,

and watch
how this driver retreats

from the scene of the crime.

I'll leave you
to draw your own conclusions.

Coming up later
on "Car Crash TV".

We'll find out if animals
and automobiles are a good mix.

Take a ride
in some taxis from hell.

And see who'll be the winner
in Car Vs Bike.

But, before we show you that,
we have a little tease for you.

No cheating from fortune tellers

or the smart Alecks
watching on repeat,

we know you've seen it before!

Yep, it's time
for "What Happens Next?"

Welcome back to "Car Crash TV".

Before the break,
we left you with this clip,

a wonderful tour of the Alps,
a Brexiteer's nightmare!

But this clip is about to answer
a lot of questions

for frustrated holidaymakers.

Yes, that's where
your missing suitcase goes.

When the pilot needs
to lighten the load,

they dump the suitcases
across the Alps!

So, Pat from Barnsley,
we've found your suitcase!

- [tires screeching]
- If you tune into this show,

my guess is you like
to see a good smash up!

Of course you do,
you're only human.

And judging
from the viewing figures

all those nature documentaries get,

literally everyone
likes animals.

So, only a crazy person
would ignore the possibility

of bringing
these genres together.

I'm afraid no crazy people
work here though,

just irresponsible ones.

And we start with a question,

does a bear [bleep]
in the woods?

Well, of course it does,
it's a bear.

Where else is it supposed to go?

Our second question,

does a bear enjoy an audience

when he performs
this particular act?

Of course he doesn't.

How would you like it

if someone drove a car
through your toilet?

Earlier, I promised you
I was going to bring together

the Car Crash
and Nature Docu genres,

- and I'm a man of my word.
- [horn honks]

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

And without causing harm
to man or beast as well.

I feel an Emmy coming on.

Experienced hunters claim

that wild boar are
even more dangerous than bears.

Well, if a wild boar can render
a car completely immobile

and saunter off into the night,

then I'd say
that experienced hunters know

what they're talking about.

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

This isn't exactly
environmentally friendly, is it?

Surely that lion should be
used to getting from A to B

on all fours.

But you'd be wrong,

because that lion's choice
of vehicle is the Prius,

a hybrid car
that runs partly on electricity.

Unless of course you consider
how electricity is generated,

but let's not open
that can of worms.

That's a ruddy lion, in a car,

and the thing you're focusing on
is the car.

It's a lion,
a ruddy great man-eating lion!

This is Driver of the Week gold,
and you've undersold it.

I feel a firing coming on.

The dog, man's best friend,

and it would appear also
motorists' best friend.

- [horn honks]
- The sheep however,

- the motorists' biggest menace.
- [dog barking]

Look, I know it must be hard

to get the viewing figures
these days,

what with the competition
from streaming services

and the internet,

but I'm not convinced
One Man and his Dog needed

to introduce an Urban stage.

[whimsical music plays]

The Rolling Stones once sang
about "Wild Horses".

Well, here
we have some rolling vehicles

and some potentially
wild horses,

so writer do your best!

Don't look at me vacantly.

you're definitely getting fired!

Now, let's give
this next motorist some credit.

Dinner is being put on a plate
for him, literally.

All it would take is
a little dip of the accelerator,

and he's blackcurrant jus away
from culinary heaven.

Count yourself lucky
it's a vegan at the wheel, bird.

I'd have been
much more ruthless.

[engine revving]

If I showed you a stag
leaping right across a road,

I wouldn't need to bother
with a joke, would I?

You're welcome!

Everyone knows that golden rule,
don't get into a stranger's car.

It's drilled into you
from childhood.

So, why is it acceptable

if they paint the car yellow
and slap a badge on the roof?

Think about it!

We don't know how well
these maniacs can drive.

Taxi licenses
are handed out willy-nilly

to anyone these days.

A loose sense of direction

and the ability to talk anyone
to sleep in minutes,

and you're pretty much set,

chuck in
some bad personal hygiene

- for bonus points.
- [thuds]

Are you trying to get me
universally hated on the road?

I'm not sure
what scares me more,

a Lada or a taxi driver
trying to bump up the meter.

- [crashing]
- [tires screeching]

Run the Lada gauntlet
at your own risk!

We did warn them.

Everyone has been
on one of those taxi rides

where they whack
on the extra charges at the end.


Whiplash and fractured rib
surcharge, £6.20.

Uh, don't forget
to rate the driver.

It's well known that

Uber have been putting
the local cabbie

- out of business.
- [crashes]

But I really had no idea
the depraved lengths

they were going, too!

And as anyone

with a rudimentary grasp
of science knows,

for every action,

there is an equal
and opposite reaction.


What do you mean
our viewers don't have

a rudimentary grasp of science?

Okay, fine!

The taxi gets revenge
on the Uber driver!

Happy now?

- [tires skidding]
- [thuds]

The competition
between your standard cabbie

and Uber drivers

has become so fierce

that the cabbies have resorted
to extreme actions

to try and drum up business.

Yes, I can read the number
on the side of your car,

but dialing it
will take a lot longer

than just tapping an app.

Technology won, get over it!

Truck Drivers are like

the cabbies'
grubby older brothers.

And this is
the vehicular equivalent

of dogs sniffing
each other's behinds.

Now this chap
is about to get his comeuppance

for spewing in a cab last week
after a night on the tear.


Don't cross a cabbie!
They know where you live!


One thing we are yet to see

is a giant aggressive
bright yellow...

[man] Hey!

Ah, ah, yes, yeah, just on cue.

They never fail to remind me
of my ex-wife in a raincoat.

Okay, folks, it's time for a bit
of light-hearted betting

all the family can get in on.

The rules are simple
in this game.

Can you correctly predict

if our berk behind the wheel
is going to hit!

- Or are they going to Miss!
- [crashes]

This is CCTV,
and it's all to play for!

Round one! We've got
a solid speedy approach here.

This has got
all the makings of a hit.

And out of nowhere,
we have our opponent.

Yes, little boy racer
in his micro machine.

But, will we hit him?

Swerve and smash
into that collection of signs?

Or miss?


Oh, a delicious, marvelous smash.

Sorry, sorry, we shouldn't revel
in the misfortune of others.

But then again,
we wouldn't have a show.

In the country now,

are we on the path
for a hit that's worthy of blur?

Now this driver has clearly lost
all control of the car,

sideways is no way to travel.

But, will our driver hit us?

The tranquil wooded area?

Or miss completely?

[tires screeching]

Smooth, very smooth.
A fine miss!

Wait, what are you doing?

That's the wrong side
of the road!

Back to leafy suburbia now,
where the game is afoot!

- But, who are we up against?
- [bell rings]

Ah the classic,
the wolf whistler,

the salt of the earth,

and mildly xenophobic
white van man!

But, will we hit him?

Course correct

and clatter the red car
on the other side of the road?

Or miss completely?

- [crashes]
- [tires skidding]

A hit of Pete Burns proportions!


Our final clip now for everyone
playing along at home.

The roundabout,

this is real Hit or Miss
bread and butter!

And who are we up against,
it's van mark two!

It seems our driver is hell bent
on revenge

since being side smashed
by that white van.

So, will he seize
the opportunity and hit?

Or think better of it,
dab the brakes and miss?


Oh, and like a bull seeing red,
that's a hit!

- Revenge is ever so sweet.
- [tires skidding]

- See you next time folks!
- [bell ringing]

Cars are not the only problem
on our roads.

Bikes are also an issue.

They are an issue

in that they give car drivers
something else to run into.

Bring on
the two-wheeled hazards.

Unlike the stars of our show,

we all know
that a red traffic light

is a warning to wait
behind the stop line.

But, do we know

what a flickering
red traffic light means?

A flickering red traffic light,
dear viewers,

is an even more severe type
of warning,

directed at motorcyclists.

It means, "Turn around
and get out of here

"while you still can."

- [engine revving]
- [thudding]

Looks like someone needs
to revisit their highway code.

The great thing about bikes
is that they can go really fast.

- [engine revving]
- [crashes]

The bad thing about bikes
is that they go really fast.

The biker actually had
a first aid kit in the bag,

but he thought he'd let
the townsfolk help him out,

because he likes to be touched.

After all,
who doesn't like to be touched?

This guy actually.
He hates to be touched.

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

Luckily for him,
he didn't actually make contact.

This incident was 100% swerve.

Most motorcyclists
just need a little nudge.


For example, when stood
in the motorbike shop,

a little nudge to say
"don't buy a motorbike".

Try knitting.
It's at least 40% safer.

And if they insist on buying one
of these two-wheeled deathtraps,

then the least they can do is
buy some reflective clothing

to go with it
for riding at night.


It's also known as high vis,

or High Visibility
for the uneducated,

which most bike riders are.

The bike in this clip causes
a crash that it is not part of.


I'd say that's a skill,

but I think this guy
has just proven

that the one thing
he's entirely devoid of

is skill.

This is the very best place
for a bike to be.

And this is the very worst place
for a bike to join a busy road.

- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]

Well, maybe any place
is the worst place

when the driver has
as much control as this guy.

So where do we think
most of the blame

on the road should fall,

keen-eyed viewers?

Car drivers? Or bike riders?

Here's a clip to prove

that there's plenty of criticism
to go around.


The car should have indicated

and probably shouldn't have
pulled out.

The bike was going way too fast

and probably should have
braked sooner.

It's true, ever since
Eve plucked the forbidden fruit,

there is guilt in all of us.

What do you mean
no religious references?

I had a great one about
John the Baptist's beheading.

- [crashes]
- [tires skidding]

That's right, beheading.

Just like what
this guy would have had

if it wasn't
for the surprising revelation

that the truck
is the most nimble vehicle

on the road.

Congratulations to its driver.

Please celebrate

by running over this idiot's
two-wheeled death trap

until it's thin enough
to feed through the letterbox

of the Motorbike
Appreciation Society.

Well, there you go folks,
that's your lot for this week.

Flew by didn't it?

I don't want to blow
my own horn, so to speak,

but damn, I'm good.

I mean, I could end things now,

and you'd all be satisfied,
I'm sure,

but lucky for you,
that's not how I roll.

No, I wouldn't dream
of leaving you hanging!

[theme music plays]