Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Episode #5.6 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Everyday

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]

Which can often end in disaster!


With the thousands
and thousands of dashcams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.


From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous.

The funny, to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

Investigate the scene
of the crime

and put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips
we show,

no one, and that means
no one, is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

Still to come on the show,

more calamitous
and catastrophic driving

from all around this planet
we call earth.

A soggy set of clips

going by the name
"Back On The Rain Gang".

Another set of head scratchers
that only our top detective

could possibly unravel
in "The Scene Of The Crime".

And we'll learn what happens
to people's driving

when they're treated
to a few extra lanes.

If you've watched
this show before

you'll know how that plays out.

If you've watched
this show before,

of course you have,
our viewers are fiercely loyal,

in fact one of them
has started producing

some Car Crash TV merch.

I was so impressed,

I treated the whole
production team to a hoodie.

They were so grateful.

Yes Wesley,
you do have to wear it.

I don't care.

It just says
what everyone is thinking.


There's a theory

that if you take a junction
at maximum speed,

you can actually reduce
your chances of an accident

because you are spending
less time on that junction.

Here's a spattering
of speeding clips

to prove that that theory
is absolute hogwash.

This looks like a fairly
complicated intersection.

With six adjoining roads,

the obvious approach is surely
one of caution and care.

Or you could just do that?

This is a much more simple
driving environment,

but still probably best
not to...

[tires squeal] that.

Yeah, definitely best
not to do that.

Warning, there's an HGV driver
on his way to Ted's Bakers,

and he's two minutes away

from missing
the meal deal cutoff.

Where did that car
even come from,

I hear you ask?

Allow me to help you with that.

Here he is. Enjoy the ride.

Because he sure didn't.

One thing's for sure,

the speeder in this clip
is not the driver of that coach.

That's not to say
he wouldn't like to be.

But as with all coaches,

his cargo is largely
made up of pensioners.

If he looks in his rearview
mirror right now though,

he's about to see that the grass
is not always greener

in the fast lane.

In fact, there's now
no grass there at all.

He won't get there any faster.
Unless there is a hospital.

I hope his sternum crushes
into 400 tiny...

What? Oh yeah, sorry.
Violence levels.

Fine, I won't be specific,

but needless to say I have
constructed a crash fantasy

in my head of what happens
to these two speeders.


Ugh, with that smoke in the way

I'll never know
if my wishes came true.

Can someone try
and get this smoke removed?

Who on the team is a whizz
with visual effects?

What, you mean no one?

What kind of phony production
team are we running?

Speaking of our phony
production team,

can we get Wesley
in here please?

Now Wesley,
this is a sequence about speed,

you know, driving quickly?


And that car was
not driving quickly.

In actual fact it's driving
pretty slowly to be honest.

This, this is speed.


Listen, I did your dad a favor
by getting you this job,

even though I've reservations
about him marrying his cousin.

Your work reflects on us both,
you know?

Not so much on your dad,
he's judged for other things.

We come now to that splendid
part in the show

where all the family
can get involved

in our fear-inducing
all-star smash-up spectacle.

Yep, it's time for everyone's
favorite anxiety-inducing game,

Hit or Miss.

Betting slips at the ready.

Best of luck everyone playing
along at home!

We've got a good run up.

Our other contestant still
remains out of view.

The game is on!

This is a true David vs Goliath
moment here.

If David was a hatchback

and Goliath,
a pasty-munching 18-wheeler.

Now, our driver must show
some real skills here.

Oh and by the skin
of their teeth they've done it.

I do hope old pasty chops
has fared okay.

I'm hoping for something

a little more tame
in this next clip.

Who knows what terrors behold
our driver around a bend.

Now, I know that this car
is in a spot of hot water here.

And the chap behind him

can't be ruled out
of the equation either.

Let's see if these guys
are hitmakers?


And it looks like our oncoming
driver is a political aide.

Boy is he spinning!

We're in familiar territory her.

This humble junction single
handedly causes all drivers

to lose the most basic abilities
behind the wheel.

So a hit to the car
crossing our path,

a swerve into the cyclist...

I hope not,
or a delicious near-miss?

- I can hardly wait to find out!
- [thuds]

Saw this hit coming a mile off.

But what on earth is this?


Body bags?

The soul of all the other
drivers they've smashed into?

Back to the country now

where danger lurks
around every corner.

But who's going to take on
our driver in this clip?

Is his misery about
to be compounded

or will our driver hold
his nerve and miss?

Another great
near miss there, folks.

He tried for a hit but spun out
into next week.

Thanks for playing along
at home.

See you next time
on "Hit or Miss".

Look, I'm a modern kind of chap.

I recycle, I make sure
I'm aware of my carbon footprint

and I do what I can
to minimize it.

Hell, I even considered
an electric car.

Considered, yeah.
I'm not a tree-hugger.

But you know what?
Screw all that.

I live in the UK where it rains
on pretty much a daily basis,

so if climate change dries up
these soggy isles,

I say bring it on.

It's a small price to pay.

Is that a truck
or is it a house on wheels?

Poor guy is as confused as I am.

He was just trying to park up
in the garage.

Oh, and it's raining.

See, I told you
I could do that gag

and still reference the rain.

And go... No, wait.

Look at that, 50% off,
and off car parts as well.

That, ladies and gentlemen,

is the very definition
of a happy accident.

You're too kind.
I'm here all week.

There's nothing
more embarrassing

than turning up at a wedding
to find out that somebody

is wearing exactly
the same outfit as you.

There are more civil ways
to resolve the situation though.

You could just get changed.
Black at a wedding?

It's supposed to be
a happy occasion.

Now remember folks,

if you see someone
lose control in the rain

causing their vehicle
to leave the road

and nestled in a field...


Do nothing.

Don't go and check
if they're okay,

just sit there,
frozen to the spot,

showing little or no concern.

Well done sir, you're a natural.

I'm not gonna lie to you folks,

this next crash
is completely random.

Radom, Random,

oh what's a letter between
friends, come on.

And now we come to my favorite
clip in this episode.

The driver we're riding with
is parping at the pickup

because he wants him
to occupy the near side lane

so he can overtake.

But rather than wait,
he decides to boil my [bleep]

and undertake instead.

Then, in an act of petulance,

the pick-up truck
undertakes right back,

leading to a collision.

Proving that two wrongs
don't make a right,

and that I am correct
in my assertion

that undertakers
are the scum of the earth.

Going sideways is a racing term

that means going round
a corner so quickly

that your car literally skids
around it sideways.


Yeah, no, this is a different
kind of sideways.

Leave it to the trained
racing drivers, okay?

It's that time in the show

where we tenuously try
to liken car crash carnage

with some sort
of leisure activity.

In the past, we've done pinball,
we've done stock cars

and then there was that series

when the producer had a nervous
breakdown and we did rodeos.

Fortunately, he's all better now

and has developed something
called Vehicular Bowling.

So it's time to hand it over
to our commentator,

Dustin True, for today's action.

Good evening folks,
it's time to throw some rocks.

First up to the runway today,
we have Spencer Flagstaff.

He's showing good form
on the release and look at that,

we've kicked things off
with a strike.

Delaware's finest right there,
ladies and gentlemen!

We've brought the lights down
at our next bowler's request

and would you look at that?

A textbook spare from young
Texan, Tex Texacan.

Clyde Duboit here showing
some appalling form.

This is a wild, wild bowl

and it's sent him straight
into the gutter,

denying him
that all-important spare.

North Dakota now and young
up-and-comer Natalie McGraw.

Well, that technique is erratic,
to say the least

and I'm not sure
if it's in keeping

with the spirit
of this fine sport.

But damn if it isn't effective.

That folks is a strike,

catapulting Miss McGraw
to the top of the leaderboard.

Next up, Butch Templeton.

He's got a lot of weight
to put behind his delivery.

A spare to his name and another
hot dog in his fat face.

The numbers may be going up,

but his life expectancy
gets shorter with every bite!

Finally, we have
Katie Spurmyster from Florida

who is one strike away
from picking up a turkey,

and the game.

Stuff that bird
and roast it oven

for four to five hours
at 350 degrees, folks.

We have a winner

and our Thanksgiving dinner
double bubble.

Give that young lady a trophy
and some delicious thigh meat

while it's the bones, and some
cranberry source for the losers.

See you again soon folks
for more Vehicular Bowling!

Coming up next on Car Crash TV,

we invite a collection
of drivers

to get the truck out of the way.

Try and solve some traffic
accident conundrums

in "The Scene of the Crime".

And try not to hide our eyes

as we bear witness
to some multi-lane mayhem.

But first, the driver of the car
we're on board

is guilty of a heinous crime.

Karma is about to come his way,
but who will be delivering it?

Man or God?

He'd better start praying

before he finds out
what happened next.

Welcome back, crash lovers.

Before the break, I told you
that this driver was about to be

on the business end
of a dose of karma.

My question to you was,
Who might dish out this karma?

A fellow motorist
or the big man himself?

An act of God.
I wonder what he did?

Alas we will never know.
How unsatisfying.

But I guess the fact
that God does exist

should come as a small
crumb of comfort.

You've seen
what a dangerous world it is

out there on our roads.

To stay safe requires caution,
and if you're driving a vehicle

which weighs three times
as much as a car,

and can cause three times
as much damage.

That's three times
as much caution is needed.

What have we got here?

Jesus Christ!

Oh, please don't make me
do truck clips today.

I don't think my nerves
can take it.

Yes, of course,
I want to get paid, but...

My agent will be hearing
about this.

And my therapist.

Where's our truck?

Ah, there he is.

And he's not going to stop.

- Wonderful.
- [crashes]

Think of the money,
think of the money.

This truck driver's dashboard
is the same gruesome color

as the outside of his cabin.

It's been known
to blinker him in the past.

This guy has
an orange cabin too,

but he has his own strategies

to avoid dazzle
related incidents.

One of them is never looking
in his wing mirror

to avoid the dazzling
cabin paint

getting reflected into
his delicate little eyes.

Right, so we know we've got
to avoid the truck.

But where the truck is it?


It was ours!

Hashtag plot twist.

Hashtag get the truck
out of our way.

Okay, one more.
That's all I've got left in me.

Ooh, now this is a refreshing
change of pace.

Our truck driver
is playing by the rules

and any blame to be had

falls on the head of this
charlatan in the Hyundai.

But take note of this.

Double truck, double danger.

One of the said trucks has just
had his path obstructed

by an overly ambitious saloon.

The other one
is essentially unaffected

by this flaunting
of the highway code.

He just needs
to keep moving forward.

With that in mind,

watch how they both deal
with the situation in hand.

I know that it's
the 21st century

and everyone has different
coping mechanisms,

but pull yourself together, man.

When I started to worry

that my cat was cheating on me
with another family,

I got in touch
with private detective

- [honks]
- Chip Kowolski to look into it.

The case is still ongoing,

but he's got a bit of time
on his hands,

so Chip has offered to look
into some accidents for us

at the "Scene Of The Crime".

Welcome, welcome.
Nice night for it.

Shame about the devastation
in front of our eyes

at this very minute

caused by one of these
two very vehicles.

But just which one of the two
is to blame?

The car or the truck?

Let's wind the clock back
and absorb all the facts.

And straight away the evidence
falls into our lap.

This is our perp.

Nasty stuff.

But this is what happens
when you break the law.

They're in place
for your protection, people.

Let this person's mistake
be a lesson to you all.

This is a sorry scene.

A biker has been dismounted
from his steed

but how exactly did he end up
on the asphalt?

Is the bus driver to blame,
or the car driver?

Let's dig into the details.

Hmm, well this biker
may be the victim

but he also has
the stench of guilt about him.

Weaving through heavy traffic
like this is not advisable,

and in my opinion not lawful.

So the driver of the car
is the guilty party,

but for me,
the biker had it coming

by breaking the law himself.

I'm going to throw the book
at both of them.


Big Grumpy Steve here
as Been Greatly Scorned just now

By Getting Smashed.

We'd Best Go Survey.

Wow, even the opening of this
incident is absolute carnage,

no wonder this ends
in such chaos.


I have to say,
this one confuses me.

This central reservation area

looks like it should
not be crossed,

and yet both cars involved
in this incident

have gone over it.

This case seems a bit too much
of a headache

to spend any more time with.

Let someone else
worry about it another time.

Another offense has occurred
ladies and gents,

but which one of these
scallywags is to blame?

Roll the tape.

This light is on red
and this light is on green,

which means that this light
was on red,

which means this guy
is in the wrong,

which means I can go
back to stroking.

interrogating your host's cat.

See you next time.

In the beginning,
God created roads.

And they were simple roads

with just one lane
for each direction.

Then God got cocky and decided
to add an additional lane

and the dual carriageway
as born.

And then JC took over
the family business,

got carried away with all
he tarmac he was bequeathed,

and now we're in this mess!

Er, can I get a ruling here?

Motorways are three
or more lanes, right?

Meaning this is strictly
a dual carriageway?

Yeah look,
I'm sorry to be picky,

but this is the kind of thing
our keen-eyed viewers

will pick up on, okay yeah?

I know there's been a crash,
that they should be satisfied,

but you don't want to vex them
with inaccuracies like this.

Listen, I was there when we
received the poo in a box

for calling an A road a B road
back in 2016.

Cross them at your peril!

can we not rename this package

Dastardly Dual Carriageways
or something?

The smell still lingers
in the office

and it's been three years.

Screw you all, I'm freestyling.

Yep, the Dastardly
Dual Carriageway.

Look how dastardly it is!

Don't look at me like that.
I'm not a writer.

Either change the clips
or accept this is happening.

Finally, some common sense
has prevailed.

Well, amongst the production
team anyway.

The driver of that Fiat Panda,
not so much.

What the jiggins? Six lanes?

Now you're really
are spoiling us!

Where is this magical place
where they have so much tarmac

they can afford such luxuries?

Speaking of magic,

presumably, that's what's
keeping the mattress secured

to the roof of the car.

Not a bungee cord
or length of rope to be seen.


And to keep
the magic theme going,

marvel at how I make
a pair of fluffy dice appear

as if from the ether.


Round of applause for my
assistant in the black car

who suffers from glaucoma.

Ultimately, the dual carriageway
is a lonely stretch of road,

so sometimes it's understandable
to see a motorist do

what they can to try
and liven it up.

but not advisable.

Show it as many times
as you want.

I'm not changing the voiceover!