Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Episode #5.5 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Every day more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]

Which can often end in disaster!


With the thousands
and thousands of dashcams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads.

We've been able
to find a multitude

- of jaw-dropping clips.
- [honks]

From the bizarre
to the ridiculous.

The funny
to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots,

investigate the scene
of the crime,

and put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one, and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV.


[tires screeching]



- Kills.
- [thuds]

Only joking.

As our disclaimer pointed out
just a moment ago,

no one featured in our clips
is badly hurt.

But you try coming up
with a third word

that rhymes
with thrills and spills

that feels relevant
to this show.

Anyway, what else?

Oh yeah, we have our usual
collection of top items

shoehorned in so as
to make you feel involved.

I might lose my rag
at the production team.

You know, the usual.

Enough to whet your appetite?


It's thought that there are over
245 million CCTV cameras

installed across the world.

That's great news for us
and our smash-loving viewers.

But for those who should never

have been allowed
behind the wheel,

the camera is always watching.

Drive with one eye open.

Let's take a look.

A disclaimer first.

Our lawyers have informed us
that we must ensure

we tell our viewers to drive
with both eyes open

at all times to avoid
a lengthy court case.

Moving on.

This footage
was submitted by myself.

My feud with that coward
next door Clive

has been well publicized.

This was the last straw when he
took my parking space yet again.

Take that, Clive!

How did this feud start,
I hear you ask?

Well that sniveling coward Clive

didn't take too kindly
to his wife

accompanying me on dog walks.

Can't a man walk the dogs with
his neighbor anymore?

This clip is one
of the real joys of CCTV.

Just look at this berk.


In my opinion, that's 12 pints
of beer behind the wheel

if ever I saw one.

This town really does have
a problem with people

causing wanton destruction
to signposts and barriers.

I'm not sure what they've done
to deserve this barrage of hate.

Public service announcement now.

Slamming it across
a big junction

will not get you to the other
side in one piece.

Now, this is clip demonstrates
the very worst of society.

Yep, 4x4 owners.

Already a menace in the car
and now a menace out of it, too.

Pay the car park fee,
you tight git!

Tell you what though,

she's making short work
of that barrier.

She must be ripped
under that parka.

A fine advert for high
intensity interval training

if ever I saw it.

We at Car Crash TV
are on a mission,

not just to raise awareness
of appalling drivers,

but to also ensure
said appalling drivers

are on the business end
of some rough justice!

So we've employed former
Glasgow Metropolitan Police

detective, Jock McSwingan
to come out of retirement

and rid the roads
of a few motoring menaces.

Detective McSwingan,
it's over to you.

Get a load of this guy, eh.

Think you can just pull out
where you want, mate?

Try pulling that one
when you're, behind bars.

This geezer thinks he can just
smash into the back of people.

Well, there's a few blokes

who also think
this is acceptable, behind bars.

Boy racer here is in a bit
of a rush, eh?

Better tell your mom you're
gonna be late for tea, son.

You're going, behind bars.

This guy must be taking us all
for mugs.

Overtaking while going
around a bend.

This little stunt just got you
fast tracked to cell block C,

behind bars.

What have we got here then?

Another driver who likes to play
by their own rules?

You certainly won't be
being the boss of the cell

you're gonna be sharing
with crazy Pete,

behind bars.

Now, according to reports,
the case of this crash

was someone using
a mobile phone.

Well, looks like this driver can
make one more call.

Better be to your lawyer mate
as you're going,

behind bars.

Ah, is the most wonderful time
of the year?

Not for this driver.

That mistake
just got this driver

a Christmas to remember,
behind bars.

Now I'm not sizeist,

but nothing grinds my gears
more than those tiny cars

that just seem to get
everywhere and anywhere.

These tiny terrorists pull out
of nowhere and cause more chaos

than a toddler with a blowtorch.

And God help anyone
who thinks they've stumbled

upon a free parking space,
only to find a Fiat 500.

Get a proper car!

Anyway, let's look
at the evidence

of these tiny merchants
of destruction.

Here we go, this is textbook.

Just your average commute
and then boom.

To be fair, he was only making
sure you observe the signs.

A real stickler
for the rules, eh?

This clip highlights an
important issue.

Sometimes your car boot
will seal shut

and will not open
no matter how hard you try.

Nothing will prize
that swine open.

- [crashes]
- You'll be surprised

by the extreme lengths
people will go

to in these situations
to reclaim their goods.

Yeah, beers for everyone!

Now the team here
at Car Crash TV

actually managed to track down
a clip of an earlier attempt

of this boot-busting exercise.

Maybe not so hard next time.

Problem with these small cars,

they're always trying
to copy the big boys.

Look, the tram isn't impressed

and that's definitely
not how they couple.

Slow and steady is the pace.

Now, drivers of small cars
seem to think

that they can weave in and out
without even being noticed.

Not so smart now, are you?


Come on, we're better than this.

Now, I'm going to cut
the little car

- some slack in this clip.
- [thuds]

I don't know about you

but I definitely couldn't hear
an indicator

being used in the car
we're on board.

If you want to enjoy
the delights

of the Scuba Mission,
drive properly.

Here at Car Crash TV we only
employ the best comedy writers

who wouldn't dream of pulling
a cheese-related pun here,

and you better brie-leave it.

No, sack him now.

I admire the stones on anyone

trying to take on a truck
of this size

in a lunchbox on wheels.

But he's done it! Hoo-hoo!

Albeit maybe needing
new upholstery and trousers.

Still to come on Car Crash TV.

We'll be embracing the world
of the weird and wonderful.

Spend a few minutes
living our best lives

as we identify the idiot.

And we'll hit the dancefloor,
well tarmac actually,

for a spot of Night Fever!

But before all that,

it's time for everyone's
favorite game

to be played in the living room.

No, not Naked Twister.

It's the one where you have
to decide What Happens Next?

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

So, what did happen next?

Well, the driver of this truck

forgot about the transporting
hazardous items section

of his risk assessment.

Since realizing his mistake
he has pooed himself so much

that he's managed to get through
all of these toilet rolls.


But he thinks fast,
throwing himself to the ground

to extinguish the flames
in a lifesaving move

that's straight from the health
and safety manual.

He's read his,
make sure you read yours.

Now on with the show.

Life on the road
isn't always as it seems.

What might be a regular journey

can take a turn down
a rabbit hole in an instant.


Speaking of which,
I remember the time last summer

when I was driving my family
to the Lake District

for the weekend
then all of a sudden, bang!

We were surrounded
by strange creatures

and it felt like we truly
were on another planet.

Turns out,

well that's just what the north
of England's like.

Anyway, show me the weird!

Now, this next clip
is proof of two things,

that vigilantism
has gone too far,

and this town really loves
the color purple.

I guess this superhero
just really hated Barney

the Dinosaur as a kid.

Now, while we are on the topic
of vigilantism,

this town has taken up
a unique method to combat people

using its laybys and bushes for,

let's call it,
"extra-curricular activities".

Let's take a look.


Look at that!

And some more
for those lurking in the bushes.

This town takes no prisoners.

This was the first
and last time I book

one of those ££9
mystery holidays.

What was promised
as a luxury tour of the Balkans

turned out to be sitting
in the boot of Oleg's car

as he drove around
a half-deserted town.

We had to smile
and wave through it.

But I will end them
on TripAdvisor, mark my words.

This clip is a warning
for our younger viewers.

Here at CCTV we're known
for our wild parties.

At our last Christmas bash

the producer thought he would
show off by attempting

to demolish a bottle of tequila

Wasn't as funny when he woke up
naked on the hard shoulder

of the M6 the next day though,
was it?

Driverless cars
are beginning to take

on a real mind of their own.

This woman has just
about had enough of hers.

But once it realized it was
going back to the garage

it had its own ideas.

Now this next clip
shows us two things,

firstly, motorway sledging
is never going to be accepted

at the Winter Olympics.

But most importantly
it helps fill in some gaps

in our producer's memory
of how he ended up

on the hard shoulder of the M6
after the Christmas party.

Oh, FYI,
this is extremely dangerous

so please don't copy him.

Now, for those among us who are,
what I like to call, um, idiots.

yes the non-drivers,

it's either walk everywhere

or endure the most soul-crushing
experience known to man.

No, not dinner with the in-laws

but having to use
public transport, ew.

This is the domain
of the general public,

who let's face it are the worst.

And don't even get me started
on the drivers.

No I'm sorry,
but it needs to be said,

I don't care
if I'm going off script.

Roll the clips.

Now, I know flat earthers are
an easy target.

Here's some footage of one

trying to prove that the laws
of physics are also wrong.


I mean,
we shouldn't really laugh

but I want to see that again.

Ah, delicious!

New drivers make
this classic mistake,

don't follow the example
of other idiots on the road

like this guy right across
the tram track.

Hopefully this driver
has a brain.

No, no! Wait! Stop!
What are you doing?

No brain, definitely
another flat earther.

They drive among us.

No I won't let it go, no.
These people are maniacs.

Everyone knows
the night bus is the worst.

It smells, it's dangerous

and you'll be lucky
to get out alive.

And that's just the passengers.
Avoid at all costs.

You need a keen eye for this one
so I'm going to give you a hand.

See that car there,

he's going pretty quick,
and round a corner as well.

This I'm afraid
will be his undoing.


That was a pretty nasty accident
so my sympathies to the driver.

What about the tram?
That thing gets no sympathy.

Listen, if I've said it once
I've said it 100 times, right?

Public transport is the worst.

Young bus drivers
are kept on the reins

until their stinking attitudes
are fully developed.

Don't they grow up fast?

The front of the car gone
without a care in the world.

He's going to do just fine.

Forgetting your PE kit
is one thing,

you'll have to wear the moldy

and suspiciously stained
garments in lost property.

But your mom chasing
the school bus

down to give it you

is a childhood hell
I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Now this driver has captured
the exact moment

when one passenger realized what
they had let themselves in for

and had to make a quick escape
while they had the chance

Quick! Run for your life!

And to end this sequence,

let's check in on our flat
earthers one last time.

Yep, still thick as mince!

Here at CCTV
we love nothing more

than a bit of light-hearted
audience involvement,

and what better way to do it
than cobble together

some clips for us
to berate the drivers.

Aside from when a politician
delivers a speech,

it's the only time that it's
perfectly normal to shout

at the television screen.

Let's take a look
at these idiotic drivers.

The game is a simple one,

but don't let that fool you
as it's incredibly thrilling.

For this first clip
I'll explain the rules.

You're going see
the buildup to a crash,

and just before
the business end,

we'll stop the fun and see
if you can identify the idiot.

Then rewind and watch the crash
in all its glory.

Let's go!

Which idiot is to blame here?
Let's rewind and take a look.

The chap in the car
on the right,

granted, does have
his indicator on.

But, this doesn't mean
you can just pull out

like there's no tomorrow.

So I'm afraid we have
our first, idiot.


Now this next clip really does
offer up some idiotic driving.

I can't quite understand
the logic in this one.

Okay, somebody here
is about to make a decision

which makes me think
they have the IQ of a peanut.

Don't let those signs
throw you off either.

Let's take a look.

I'm sorry,
but where are you going?


Also, steamy windows,

so what the Dickens
are you doing in there then?

Ladies and gents, we have
an idiot and a heavy breather.

Plenty of options here

as this is a busy old section
of there road.

But I'm sure it won't be long

before the driver with idiotic
sensibility rears his head.


Ah, right on cue.

Yeah, if you want to change
lanes my friend,

perhaps check
your wing mirrors first.

Just a thought, you idiot!

So now we come to our final clip

in this anger-inducing segment,
but before we go

we have one more driver
for you to berate.

Again, the idiocy is strong
in this one.

But I'm not sure
how these people

managed to find their way
out of the house

and into the car
with brains like this.

Yep, can you spot the ignoramus
behind the wheel?

Since when does Rees-Mogg
get a pass at the script?


Anyway, let's take a look.

What is it today with people

not grasping the basic concepts
of driving?

Stay on one
side of the road, you idiot.

As the sun dips
below the horizon

and the moon comes out to play,
the sensible people among us see

that as a signal to pop on
the old PJs and hunker down.

But for every pair of PJs

there's a pair
of driving gloves,

and for every sensible
person there is an idiot.

And we all know when the idiots
come out, don't we?

It's late, you're tired,

so sometimes dropping off
at the wheel is understandable.

Hang on, wind that back.

He's indicating,
which means he's wide awake

and fully aware
of what's going on.

Let's go again.

It's late, you're tired,

so sometimes all you want
is a nice little cuddle.

There's a time
and a place though.

It's fine, they'll just delete
the first take in the edit.

Only a fool would leave it in.
Oh, yeah wait a minute.

Now, a vehicular version
of the Human Centipede.

Much like the film- disgusting!

Not only has this pillock
driven into the side of a tram,

he's being mocked by it too.

Oh he's having
an absolute stinker.

Oh look, the signposts
and road markings

have created the image
of a friendly little face,

what a happy accident.

And now an unhappy accident.
No, no, no, I don't like it.

Back to the friendly face, please.

Ah that's better, sometimes
I just need a breather.

Now, this clip shows the great
lengths people will go to

to cause damage
to lampposts and barriers.

Yeah, we saw your mate
clipping you.

Don't try and make this look
like a crash.

We know your real intentions.

Look, not a speck of damage.

The secret recipe.

The eleven different
herbs and spices.

The oddly gelatinous gravy.

It's enough to send
your taste buds dizzy.

Do you drive with your tongue
or something?

The last clip we had
at a roundabout

turned out to not be
a very pleasant experience.

Maybe we'll have better luck
this time?

Nope, back to the friendly
face, please.

Ahh, thank you.

Another nighttime clip,

another driver dropping off
at the wheel.

Though this one did it
while he was undertaking

so he gets zero sympathy
from me.

Did I mention I have an issue
with undertakers?

I think it might have come up.

Okay folks,
I'm going to level with you,

this next clip
looks a bit nasty.

- [crashes]
- Don't worry, everyone's OK.

We wouldn't show the clip otherwise,

but I do feel like after that

we need a bit
of a palate cleanser.

That's better!

Is that it?

Wow this one's really flown.

Maybe I should insist on access
to the minibar every week?

I've got the munchies now.

What are we thinking?

Kebab? Pizza?

Could really slum it and get
a bucket of fried chicken.

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Read the small print.

Post-VO record sustenance
is compulsory,

so fire up your favored
delivery service app.