Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Episode #5.4 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Everyday

more and more people
are filming their journeys...

[tires screeching]

...which can often end
in disaster!


With the thousands and thousands
of dashcams all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous,

the funny, to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the scene of the crime

and put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing like
seeing the antics of the world's

worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Still to come on the show...

More farcical and shameful road
use from all around the world,

including a collection
of not so charming vans,

another thrill a minute game of
Hit Or Miss,

and we get to find out if any of
our drivers are more successful

at going backwards
than forwards.

Spoiler alert, they're not!

You want more? No, seriously.

You want more?
Is this not enough?

Will you people
ever be satisfied

or are you going to continue
to milk me like a cow

until I literally
have a nervous breakdown?

There's only so much therapy a
person can have, you know.

These days everyone
is time poor.

We work hard,
some of us party too hard.

Yeah, that is a dig
at the producer.

I don't care if it isn't subtle,
he's got a serious problem.

Consider this an intervention, yeah?

Where was I? Ah, yes, speed.

Not good, is it?

Speed is the distance traveled
per unit of time.

It's how fast
an object is moving.

Speed is the scalar quantity

that is the magnitude
of the velocity vector.

It doesn't have a direction.
And neither do I.

Script, I need a ruddy script.

And now,

it's time for a new semi-regular
feature on the show.

What Car Part Is It Anyway?

If you guessed
the plastic cladding

on the back of the gray car,

then congratulations,
you need to get out more.

You should never ever
drive your car this quickly

or this recklessly.

If your car is the color
of human excrement

then I can kind
of understand why you would.

At that speed

your face will appear blurred
to other motorists.

And if you do speed,
you open yourself up to being

apprehended by the local law enforcement.

In this town,
they use former speeders

to disable the cars
of current speeders.

It's a questionable technique

from a health
and safety perspective,

but I bet they
never speed again.

When the smell of fried chicken
hits your nostrils,

you'll do anything to be the
first in line

for some greasy goodness,
even if that means

performing a daring five vehicle
overtaking maneuver.

You might want chicken bad,
but he wants it more.

Wanna see what a stroke of
good fortune looks like?

Avoids a nasty collision

with a pair of trucks
and three bollards,

someone's been rubbing his lucky
rabbit's foot really hard.

What? Oh, don't be disgusting.

But every moment of good
fortune must be balanced out.

Bad fortune doesn't get
much worse than this.

Oh, FYI viewers,

the point of this sequence
is to get you to not speed.

This clip has more
than met its brief.

And yet for some reason
we go on.

Look, they get it.
Speeding is bad.

Overtaking a brace
of lorries is bad.

Soiling yourself in front of
your lady friend is bad.

The speed limit says 50.

The driving suggests
at least 70.

[tires screeches]

And that is a delightful
little 180.

So, what's our total score?

300, and they said this
show wasn't educational.

Where would we be
without the humble van?

Well, I'd be a damn sight
better off, that's for certain.

Curse that well-known
delivery service

we cannot name that has made it
far too easy for me

to order things
I simply don't need.

I've never used
the smoothie maker

and if I'm brutally honest
with myself, I never will.

Lunch for the van driver
is a big deal.

It's a chance to take a
well-earned break

from objectifying women and
throw something disgusting

and greasy down their throats.

So, between the hours of
12 and 2

it's advisable to steer clear

of anywhere that
offers pasties for a pound.

And what would be good

to wash down that heady
combination of stodgy pastry,

starch potato and cow hoof?

A delicious glass of water,
of course.

Of course,
having these sorts of habits

mean that van drivers
often become targets

for certain sections of society.

I wonder if that was
a vegan hate crime?

No, a vegan
wouldn't be seen dead

in something that utilizes
the internal combustion engine.

Last night was
the Royal Mail Christmas party

and one postman
hit the bottle hard!

That's no excuse for such a
shabby disregard

for postal service security.

And the less said what went down

between him and the
CEO's wife the better.

That's an interesting
design for a roof.

Surely that's an error
by the builder, though?

Just as I thought,
he's got previous

when it comes to
making bad decisions at angles.

Our postman's
finally sobered up,

secured his van
and is doing his best

to get his deliveries
back on schedule.

But rumor has it

the CEO got wind of last night's
liaison and he's not happy.

Lucky boy,

but your philandering will catch
up with you one day.

Little tip for you now,

never come between a van driver
and a funfair.

Despite their
anti-social behavior,

they're a surprisingly
carefree fun-loving bunch

who can't resist the waltzer.

Yep, you try and stop them from
being first in line

once the fair opens its doors.
Save it for the dodgems.

We don't just make
the same old rubbish

over and over again
at Car Crash TV.

We bring you exciting,

contemporary content, told by
exciting, contemporary voices.

And it doesn't get any more contemporary

than unnamed
gig-service taxi apps.

You know, the ones where you've
no idea which Tom, Dick

or Harry will be driving
you around.

Let's read some reviews
to try and work it out.

Janine rated Dennis474
low on his conversation.

"Refused to talk about anything
other than Millwall FC,

and even
took his eye off the road

to check the score
on his phone."

mikemurdock2567 had this little
less than favorable review.

"I knew things weren't right
when I got in the car

and there was the unmistakable
smell of dog [bleep].

I look in the boot
and there he was.

A Labrador wearing a
fluorescent purple jacket.

A guide dog.

And it didn't take me long to
work out who it belonged to."

A few choice words
about susan419.

"Not impressed.

Her sense of direction
was objectively appalling,

and then when I suggested
we should have turned right,

she pulled right onto the curb."

Lauren Oakes was not impressed
with Tom1234568.

"As soon as I saw him pull into
my drive, I became nervous.

The car look
as if it hadn't been serviced

since the turn of the century.

A poorly maintained vehicle
does not a happy rider make."

One for Jimmy26.

"I never met my driver.

Well and truly bungalowed
from our work's do,

my friend lay me across the back
seat and sent me home.

I vaguely remember being in some
kind of ditch at one point,

and the next morning I was
aching from the neck down."

Some scrutiny towards Alistair43817.

"I paid a surcharge on the app
for the car park,

but I'm not convinced my money
actually went towards parking.

Then I had to sit in the back
for 20 minutes

while he spook☻ to the police."

Not all the reviews
are bad though.

This was for Lionel101.

"My driver was just great.
Very understanding.

I was running late
for my trumpet lesson,

third week in a row
that I've let that happen,

and he promised me he would
get me there on time.

A little ambitious considering
I was one minute late

the second I got in the car,

but he really did go above and
beyond to make up my lost time."

Now, without sounding like psychopaths,

we love all crashes
big and small here at CCTV.

Now it's time to look
at those small dings.

There is joy to be found

in these little mishaps
on the road.

A scrape here, a bump there.

They're usually caused by
those road users

who have no consideration
for anyone else on the road.

Yep, Golf drivers
I'm talking to you!

The Golf driver
is notoriously arrogant,

and this fledgling
is about to earn his stripes.

What a jerk.

But more importantly, marvelous
artwork for an underpass.

Usually, it's just obscene
graffiti about body parts.

Is that the legendary musician,
Johnny Crash?

Can we just nip these awful
puns in the knackers now?

This is the first and last time
I'm going to bring this up.

City folk must take extra care
when visiting the country.

Don't let down your guard.

Locals don't always take
kindly to newcomers.

A weekend in the country
ain't so appealing now!

Even when heading back to the
clogged comforts of the city,

be prepared for these bumpkins
to pop out of anywhere!

Can we cut the country
folk bashing?

I'm hosting a farmers'
market this weekend!

Now, I get that Tinder

makes some people feel
a little bit uncomfortable,

but I personally think
it's a much safer way

of meeting attractive
young women than this.

I'd swipe left if I were you.

Now, what we are going to learn
from this clip

is that even a small ding

can lead to a pretty
spectacular disaster

and one cheesed-off
motorway groundsman.

Please keep off the grass.

This clip just goes to show

that no matter how much
of an ideal driver you are

there's always some ruddy idiot
out to ruin your day.

Yep, like a dodgy takeaway
rearing its head out of nowhere

the next morning. Day ruined.

Now, watch carefully
as my 'Golf drivers

are the most self-entitled
arrogant people on four wheels

and ruin the driving experience
for everyone'

theory, proves itself again.

The driver of this Astra
caused a bump

but at least the damage
wasn't Astra-nomical.

Right, come on, that's it,

I've told you before
about awful puns.

- I'm not standing for anymore.
- Do you want a seat then?

Get Out.

Right, now this is just,
I don't know.

Look, just watch.

Yeah, crash great,
Lada, yeah, whatever.

What on earth is that?

I've so many questions.

Coming up next
on Car Crash TV...

We ditch the dashcams
for the spy cams.

Ditch the forward gears
for the backwards one.

And pose the question

that I hope will result in some
brief respite for yours truly.

Hit Or Miss!

Now, before all that
smashing goodness

we have something a little extra
for you,

as we like to go the
extra mile for our viewers.

What Happens Next?

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

So, before the break,

we left you with what could be
anyone's typical carefree

morning commute,

and it's about
to get a mighty surprise.

If you guessed
that the gas station

was about to erupt into flames,

well, you would be wrong,
and a closet arsonist.

I mean, of course,

an erroneous deer is gonna leap
over your car out of nowhere.

He's clearly late for work too.
They have lives too, you know!

And if you predicted that then
please send in next week's

lottery numbers on the back
of a postcard.

Car Crash TV prides itself

as being your one-stop-shop
for dashcam-related content.

But we aren't afraid
to diversify,

and in an era

when our every move is
constantly being recorded

by one camera or another,

we can now cast our
accusatory eye even further.

You can run, but you can't hide!

My next-door neighbor Clive
is a right swine,

always trying to secure
the space outside my house

because his wife occupies
the space outside his own.

Well, I'll show him.
Take that Clive.

Yeah, you might have
a young attractive wife

and two beautiful children,

and, yeah, I'm destined to die
childless and alone

in my sparsely decorated abode,

but you didn't get my parking
space, did you?

Who's a loser now, Clive?

This is an elaborate junction.

I mean, we've got tram tracks,

a roundabout and what appears
to be three jumps.

Hang on to your hats, viewers.

How disappointing.

Must be how Clive's wife
feels every night.

Ha, no I won't let it go!

Much like in school, on the
roads you need to quickly

show the biggest boy
that you're not afraid of him.

To be clear,
that was just a theory.

Leg it before you get a wedgie.

I said it was a theory.

We better get my lawyer
on the phone.

Between this and Clive's
restraining order

he's about to get very busy.

When a junction is this quiet

it takes a real skill
to end up in a collision.

I mean, if anything
we should be applauding

not reprimanding
the guy in the silver car.

And if no one has the decency to
run a perfectly good red light

so you can end up
in the collision.

Bit harsh though.
They aren't sentient beings.

They've no idea how you like
to get your jollies.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'm sure when the driver of this
car was in the showroom

purchasing his vehicle the color
‘burnt mahogany'

sounded very appealing.

So, it must have come
as such a shock

when on collection it was
in fact closer to monkey feces.

Stop ‘accidentally' leaving
the handbrake off.

You'd think in the age of
internet shopping

that the clamor to the
Boxing Day sales

would be a thing of the past.

But people will go
to great lengths

for the promise of 50%
off a beige gilet.

You should be more
like this lady.

She camped out all night
with a thermos of eggnog

and was first in line to snap up
that cracking bargain.

Look, it's a nice gilet
don't get me wrong,

but I don't think you should be
so downhearted

at missing out on one that you
should resort to self-harm.

I'm not sure who's responsible
for this collision.

Release the crash
investigation canine.

He'll sort it out.

Can we get the producer in here?

I've got a cracking idea
for a new feature.

And now we come that wonderful
junction in the show

where we shoehorn in some clips

in the form of a game
all the family can enjoy.

We're going to play Hit or Miss!

The rules are simple,

is some berk going to smash
into the side of another?

Or, with sheer skill
and dexterity,

will they avert disaster?

This is CCTV, disaster always
awaits just around the corner.

And here we go.

Now, this is where it
could all go wrong.

The roundabout, as we know,
is a perilous place.

Hold on everyone.

That's a hit if I ever
saw one folks.

A small hit,
but a hit nevertheless.

From the roundabout
to the motorway,

out of the frying pan
and into the CCTV fire here.

There is a lot to go wrong here.
But who are our contestants?

Now, I have seen just about
everything on this show

and I know that
this is a really bad sign.

Oh, lord!

That's an era-defining hit,

we're talking McCartney/Lennon
here, folks.

Okay, I'm not sure

if my nerves can handle
another one like that.

A nice path is being cleared
here for our driver.

Our driver must keep a cool head

to avoid a collision
with one of those ragamuffins.

Expertly controlled.

Catastrophe avoided.

Okay, we are turning down
the lights for this one, folks.

Is print group joining
dint group?

Hey, dint group?

Yeah, I know there's a reason
we hire writers, roll the clip.

He lives to print another day!

But, oh, no!

At the final hurdle

an outside contender smashes
that crown out of his hand.

I hope you like your new role,
dint group buddy!

That concludes our hit and miss
business for today,

but we'll be playing this
wonderful game again very soon.

Now, regular viewers
to our fine broadcast

will have witnessed the
difficulty many drivers face

with the simple task
of driving in one direction.

So it begs the question,

who the hell was responsible
for inventing the reverse gear?

I'd like to give them
a piece of my mind!

Now, I don't want to alarm you
here viewers,

but we are about to see
an attempted murder.

I mean, it's a very bad attempt granted,

but trust me,

the man behind the wheel
of that sensible family estate

is a cold-blooded, albeit
really ineffectual killer.

Get off the phone,
you're lucky to be alive!

Now, I know I said the woman
in the previous clip

hadn't taken the attempt
on her life seriously,

but it turns out I couldn't
have been more wrong!


Though seriously,
get back in your car and leg it,

he's got a machete in the boot

and all you're doing

is encouraging
his primal instincts.

Run for your life!

First thing's first,

a round of applause for the
snow plougher in this town.

Look at the drifts at
the side of the road.

Someone's earnt their bonus!

Maybe they should employ him

to rid the roads
of another nuisance

that's also a massive inconvenience

to fellow motorists.

Begins with an L.

Now I can't help but feel that
the impending accident here

could have been avoided
with a simple purchase.

An ice scraper.

Also, a pair of functioning
eyes wouldn't go a miss too.

I mean, seriously,

has there been an outbreak of
viral cataracts in this town?

Or perhaps
some sort of cyber-attack

that's wiped out
the functionality

of all the parking sensors?

No, they're all
just inconsiderate [bleep].

Now, most car crashes are ugly,
ugly things

but I think I may
have the exception.

Slow, tender, almost sexual.

God, I need help.