Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day

more and more people
are filming their journeys...

[tires screeching]

...which can often end
in disaster!


With the thousands
and thousands of dash cams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous.

The funny, to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve

into this treasure trove of
stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those
in the wrong firmly behind bars.

Afterall, there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV...

Nonsense. Buffoonery.




And those are just
some of the words I used

when discussing the bill
from my agent

following his contract
negotiations for this gig.

He wants 30%, I wouldn't mind

but he hardly got me
a decent fee

from you bunch of tight gits!


Oh, and we've got the usual
gaggle of top items

aimed at distracting you
from my general bitterness

towards the world!

So, let's push on shall we,

I've got a lot of get off
my chest today,

contract negotiations are just
the tip of the iceberg,

you have been warned!

We here at Car Crash TV

take the business of making this
show very seriously,

employing a team of top writers
to come up with funny gags,

witty one liners
and clever plays on words.

So, naturally we fired the guy
who had the audacity

to come up with the title for
this next collection of clips.

Give me strength!

Don't you just hate it
when you pull over in a layby

and some opportunistic swine
prays on you

in the hope of
earning a couple of quid.

Knock it off, mate,

I haven't got any change
so you're wasting your time.


Maybe you should go
and check he's okay?

No? Well, I can't fault your
dedication to your career.

Seriously, go and check
he's okay!

Meanwhile just outside Minsk,

the 4x4 war
is gathering momentum.

The chap on the left dearly
loves his Mitsubishi,

but he longs for the prestige
that the BMW badge affords.

Jealousy is such
a terrible thing.

Sometimes it feels like 4x4's,
SUV's, Crossovers,

whatever you want to call them,
are taking over the roads.

So those finding themselves

behind the wheel of
conventional saloon cars

are going to great lengths
to try and stand out.

And now, a visual representation
of that old idiom,

more haste, less speed.

See, we don't just entertain,
we educate too.

And that's why they pay me.

Well, to be honest,
a rather disappointing salary.

As I sit in this little booth

watching crash after crash
after crash,

I at least find myself
heartened by the way

in which fellow motorists rush
to the aid of those

who have fallen foul of
a road traffic accident.

Oh, lovely, take that
away from me as well.

And now, yet
another visual representation

of an old idiom for you.

Giving someone
the cold shoulder.

And just like that a second
writer has been removed

from the building
in just two short minutes.

The Lada.

A car so awful,

even its tyers don't want to be
associated with it.

Well, we got through this
whole sequence

without any reference
to the white stuff,

and after our former writer
went to so much effort

to come up with that catchy
title "Snow Joke" as well.

But it seems he may have
been onto something.

See, Snow Joke.

We at Car Crash TV
are on a mission,

not just to raise awareness
of appalling drivers,

but to also ensure said
appalling drivers

are on the business end
of some rough justice!

So, we've employed

former Glasgow Metropolitan
Police Detective,

Jock McSwingan, to rid the roads
of a few motoring menaces.

Detective McSwingan,
it's over to you.

Think you're the only
guy on the road, eh?

There's gonna be plenty of guys
happy to see you, behind bars.

Think everyone's just gonna
get out of your way, do ya?

Well, you better stay out of
Crazy Pete's way, behind bars.

In a rush to get home
for your wife?

Well, let's see how happy she is
when you're behind bars.

Look at this guy!

Don't like staying in lane, hey?

Well, you're not gonna enjoy
your stay behind bars.

In a rush to get to the store,

The only place you'll be
shopping is commissary,

behind bars.

Didn't see that one coming, huh?

Well, neither did this guy

and guess where that got him,
behind bars.

If you've been paying attention
for the past six or so minutes,

I'm sure you've realized

that there are many
different types of car crash.

Thank God right,

otherwise this programmed would
be seriously lacking in variety.

Anyway, we here at Car Crash TV

have a particular soft spot
for those bumps on the bottom.

Why? Because we're really,
really childish.

I'd like to flag now,
that I blame this idiot.

Driving up the verge,
distracting us all.

I'm sure the guy we ran into
will feel exactly the same.

Maths quiz.

How many vehicles in this clip
get their boot kissed?

I can't tell
if the wagon got a little kiss,

so I don't know
if the answer is 2 or 3.

"A little kiss",

sounds quite appealing
when you put it like that.

The Citroen driver
was a mellow fellow.

Until his boot was jell-o'd.

His headlamps fizzled,
his anger sizzled,

but when he saw
who'd come off worse,

he couldn't help but giggle.

With driving like this,
it's not much of a spoiler

to say that the culprit here
is the car we're on board.


And that's not much
of a spoiler either any more.

I've got a bad feeling
about this.

It's going to be bad for the
Polo driver, I can just tell.

It could have been
a lot worse for him.

For example,
he could live in this house.

On your left!
You try to warn a guy.

Yeah, I'm assuming that's a guy.

Can we all agree that that's
sexist but probably true?

Don't let that tranquil
sky mislead you.

Trouble is a'brewing.

No, you didn't get away with it.
They're always watching.

These clips
are getting a bit tame.

Oh, lordy! I take it back!

I take it all back.

Someone get me a chamomile.

Still to come on Car Crash TV...

We will once more

be investigating
the scene of the crime.

Getting superior and judgmental
as we identify the idiot.

And, exposing you to way too
much lycra in tour de farce.

But, before all that nonsense,

it's time to make you feel involved.

Someone in this clip is on their
way to their twenty-eighth

anger management class but who?

Or to put it another way,
What Happens Next!

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Before the break I asked you
what happens next in this clip,

bearing in mind that someone
here is currently en route

to their weekly
anger management class.

The white van man,
or the black jacket Man?

An obvious one,
you don't wear a hat like that

unless you're constantly
at the ready

to kick a fan in the fuel cap.

You get yourself
off to your class,

before you burst a vessel in
your neck as well as your foot.

Car Crash TV is just a bit
of light-hearted fun.

You know that, I know that.

Apart from when, it's not.

Some road incidents are just
too abhorrent to poke fun at,

far too offensive to be used as
the basis for glib humor

and half-witticisms.

Some need investigating
that little bit further.

And that's where our resident
ex-highway patrol officer,

Chip Kowolski, comes in.

Good evening, folks.
I trust you're keeping okay.

Or at least, more okay, than
the couple of whippersnappers

currently residing
at the other side of the road.

So how did this turn from a
blissfully grey day

into a full-blown crime scene?

Let's dig out the old'
magnifying glass.

This here is one of our guys,

and this upside-down
yellow triangle means give way.

I was wrong,
it wasn't the trailer man.

This lamppost might have proven

a valuable witness
if it wasn't so shaken up.

Scenes of violence like this
still leave a mark on you,

it's what makes you human.

But someone here
is lacking in humanity,

and has left a mark
of their own. Let's nail them.

The truth can be found
in this lane marking.

There are some
physical boundaries

that should never be crossed.

And speaking of
physical boundaries,

what have we got here?

Is this a consensual coming
together of bumpers? It's not?

Time to play voyeur
and pretend I don't love my job.

There he is,
about to call it a night.

But he's stolen a glance
behind him,

and seen a much
more tempting offer.

Don't do it! Go home boy!

This is never going to end well.
Cut your losses.

Wow, what have we here?

Clearly, something nefarious
has occurred.

But who's to blame?

Because wherever
there's a blame,

there's a case for me
to investigate.

From all my years of experience,

take it from me when I say
that the van looks suspicious.

And the thing with a van driver,

is you never know
what kind of lethal weapon

they're concealing.

I rest my case.

Literally, case, rested.

I'm far too old
to start thinking about

what niche category
of crime something

as obscure as this falls under.

If people can't keep the roads
free from carnage

with the stability
of four wheels

then what chance
have we got on two!

The production team
here at CCTV HQ

have got together some clips
of those menaces to society

who think the road was actually
built with cyclists in mind.

But I know
from personal experience,

criticize cyclists
at your own peril.

A wet road is always a good sign

even for a crash
spotting novice.

What an absolute masterclass

in how to shred your knees
in three seconds.

Does JJ Abrahams
ever have a day off?

Lens flare on helmet cam videos?

I'd pay money to see this guy
crash pretentiously in IMAX.

Now, speaking of Hollywood,

our researchers
seem to have stumbled

across some deleted
footage from ET.

That is painful.

The only thing
that makes this remotely normal

is when we know
what the driver's priority is.

Yeah, that explains it.

it seems we have a cyclist

with respect for themselves
and for the road.

Keeping good distance.

High Vis. Strong indication.

And just like that!

The road
is an unforgiving beast.

But he is loving this crowd!

Always remember, objects appear
bigger the closer they get!

How did he not see that,

we very nearly
had a julienned cyclist?

It seems the fence
has also baffled this guy.

Yep, it's definitely there!

These two are running
the cyclist's gauntlet.

Yes, just about made it!

Taken out by one of his own
at the last moment.

It seems food delivery services

are opting for bicycles
over cars

leaving those still
using cars out of pocket

and pretty disgruntled,

and our dinner with that
"freshly sat on" feel.

Here, we have what could be a
Car Crash TV perfect storm.

Wet road, big junction.

We have two elements in place,
but where's the third.


Yep, the Car Crash TV treble!

Now we're 20% through
the 21st Century,

one big lesson we've all started
to take on board

is that labelling people is bad.

Nobody likes being put into a
box, just ask my mother-in-law.

Ask her on a Tuesday,
when she's allowed out for air.

But there's always an exception
to the rule,

and when it comes to labelling,

the exception applies to that
classification of human

known as the idiot.

They deserve to be pointed at,
so let's do just that!

I'll play you the build-up
to a road accident,

and it's up to you to identify
the idiot responsible,

before we play the whole sorry
affair in its entirety.

Now what do we think? Not sure?

Okay, I'll help you through
this first one.

The white car pulling out in
front of us is not indicating,

so his intention is clearly

to go straight
across the intersection.

But look at the no entry sign

telling him his intentions
are off limits!

Now his ‘no claims' bonus
is off limits too.

What an idiot.

And what a lovely blue sky.

Let's freeze there
so we can fully absorb it.

Ah, that's the ticket.

But one of these three road
users is not absorbing something

that's been put there
for a reason.

It's the Toyota driver
of course,

look how far out of her
lane she's veered.

She may have escaped hatch free,

but her abysmal positioning

set a poor precedent
for Lex Luthor here,

who was innocently
following her path

on his way to that month's
super villain conference.

With a keynote speech
from Thanos no less.

You give our car a good stare
as if we were to blame,

while the real problem
drives off into the sunset.

Over in Tuscany, there's an
Italian Idiot in our midst.

And you can have the honor
of spotting him!

Obviously, you don't
get a point for this guy,

inconsiderate car-dumping
is idiotic by default,

hazard lights or not.

The impatient driver of the car
we're on board,

or the patient young man
who's just trying his best

to help maneuver
that orange truck.

The answer is the young man,
who it turns out,

is not trying his best at all.

Have a watch of the
little wet lettuce now.

That's right,

rather than communicate
effectively with the driver,

he attempted to prevent
the crash using one hand.

Bloody millennials, I swear.

Sorry millennials, if any of you
have looked up from your phone

long enough to be officially

be classed as
watching this broadcast.

Feel free to prove me wrong
by spotting the idiot.

Still with me?

Not been distracted by a little
ding in your pocket?

No, I meant a ding
from your phone,

I wasn't implying
you've got a small...

Focus! Who's about to cause
a little ding here?

Is it this guy, this guy,
or the car we're on board?

The answer is currently
staring you in the face.

And is still staring
you in the face.

And still now. And now.

That's right,
with prior damage like this,

it's clear
that the car we're on board

is no stranger to a bit of
car-on-car action.

How dare he not make way
for that red hatchback?

As a punishment, this idiot must
now sit and stare

at the world's most
depressing holiday resort

and the world's most
well-dressed scarecrow.

Now, that'll give you-lot
something to tweet about.

Not much changes
when you leave school,

the road is just like
a huge playground

and the 4x4 is the bully.

And going to the toilet outside
is frowned upon even more.

We get a lot of videos
here at CCTV towers

showing the worst road users,

but time and time again those
behind the wheel of a 4x4

go above and beyond
to crown themselves

as the most insufferable
on the road!

You know, I did drive a
Range Rover, right?

Take a look at this,
it just proves the point.

No regard
for a clear zebra crossing.

We all feel the same as his
guy, give em a kicking!

That was a near miss with a hip
replacement if ever I saw one.

But keep fighting
the good fight!

As we all know you should not
use your phone while driving,

so what better way to keep
drivers focused on the road

than a massive sign
for a phone corporation.


Drivers are very territorial
in this part of the world.

And with parking spaces
at a premium,

drivers exiting there's

are always keen to exert
authority over other road users.

We should probably cut away now

before he moves on to marking
his territory.

Here, we have another example of
4x4 drivers

being the worst on the road.

Smashed right into an ambulance.

This driver would
rob his own mother!

Now this is the kind of thing
I can get behind.

Vehicular natural selection
in action, right here!

Let's rid the road of them!

Why do you hate me?

Oh, God, that car is filthy.

It reminds me of my ex-wife.

This is meant to be
a family show. Come on!

Yeah, that time she went to a
mud spa, covered in the stuff.

On thin ice here, mate.
Real thin.

Now look carefully
at the back there.

I wonder what sort of car

that jerk swerving
across lanes is driving.

Some textbook
4x4 behavior there,

I bet he's rotten
to his work colleagues

and his kids hate him too.

4x4 drivers
love to show off the fact

that they can drive off road.

Look at me and my 4-wheel drive
I can go off road.

Time and a place buddy!

So, much like my third marriage
to that haridon Claire,

this is well and truly over,
and, yes, I am keeping the dog!

But fear not this is
only a temporary respite

and we will be back soon

with another collection
of vehicular nonsense.