Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 21 - Episode #5.21 - full transcript

It wouldn't be a Police Special if we didn't investigate The Scene Of The Crime and we'll questioning what the hell criminals are thinking when they attempt to get away behind the wheel of the worst car in the world in Catch That Lada.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,

more and more people are filming
their journeys.

[tires screeching, and crashing]

Which can often end in disaster!


With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams

all around the world

constantly recording
our behaviour on the roads,

we've been able to find
a multitude

- of jaw-dropping clips.
- [horn honking]

- [dogs barking]
- From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous. The funny.

- [thuds]
- To the downright dangerous.


Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those
in the wrong firmly Behind Bars.

there's nothing like seeing

the antics of
the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes that's
all the clips we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

- Coming up on this historic...
- [police siren wailing]

...Car Crash TV police special.


We introduce you to people

across the whole spectrum
of law and order,

[ducks quacking]

The Good Cops and the Bad Cops.

- The taxi drivers...
- [siren wailing]

...being booked exclusively
as getaway drivers.


And a woman called Mandy
who's here to show us

how to perform
a citizen's arrest!

Fasten your seat belts
dear viewers,

because speed limits
may be broken.

[tires screeching, crashing]

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

When it comes
to tackling crime on the road,

nobody is off limits.

- If you break the rules...
- [thanks]

...the long arm of the law
will be speeding after you.

[siren wailing]

That includes those pesky folks
on two wheels.

- It's true...
- [bike thuds]

...bikers and cyclists
get a bad press,

and you know what,
rightly so I say.

Double the footage,
double the fun here folks!

This biker was on the run
from the authorities

after being caught repeatedly

using the showroom toilets
in IKEA.

Just to point out,

the car is being driven by
the world's smallest policeman,

he is, but sadly out of shot.

This chase is one tall order...

Can you not.

Looks like this biker's
cunning plan has met its...


- [siren wailing]
- This clips

expertly demonstrates
the sheer contempt

- that I have for cyclists.
- [horn honking]

Look at this guy,
hogging the middle of the road,

he won't budge for anyone.

- [horn honking]
- Look buddy,

no matter
how much oat milk you drink

you're never going to be faster
than a car.

Give it up. Yeah that's right,
make way for the big boys.

And good riddance I say!

You have got to be kidding me.

- [bell rings]
- Nobody likes a smart alec.

Ooo, like at me
I can take short cuts.

- Oh. Oh!
- [thuds]

looks like we won't
be seeing anymore of him.

These two bikers had started
some bad blood

with a fellow two
wheeled terror.

Things turned sour
when our solo biker founds

fish heads
in his bed one morning,

once the police got involved
the bikers made a run for it.

Our boys in blue were hot
on one of their tails.

- [siren wailing]
- [thuds]


Looks like your half baked
escape plan is finished.

Honestly... I know
you're better than that.

It seems that the police
may have started becoming

a little let's say...

Heavy handed...

when it comes
to their opinions of bikers.

Okay, maybe this was unprovoked.

I mean, can't help
but think why...

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

You can't channel hop these days

without bumping
into a plethora of police shows.

They're everywhere.

And yet here we are doing
a Car Crash TV po-po special.

- [horn honking]
- I'm sorry.

I appreciate
it's unequal representation.

We just make
what they pay us to make.

- But to make up for it...
- [horn honks]

we're going to let
a non-police officer briefly

into the spotlight.

Please give a warm
welcome to Mandy

- who's going to be performing...
- [rattles]

...A citizen's arrest.

- [jolly whistle music playing]
- And here she is.

In a dashing combination
of grey joggers,

yellow shoes and a pink hoodie.

This gentleman broke one
of Mandy's 386 cardinal sins,

he took his top off in public

when, as you can see,
it isn't even that sunny.

And she's taken it upon herself
to issue some retribution.

Without people like Mandy,
we'd be heading towards a world

where no one
wore clothes at all.

And trust me,
there's some things that people

just don't want
to see uncovered.

I share an office
with many of them.

Okay, we can't drag
this car crash out any longer,

even on Car Crash TV.

Let's leave Mandy for now,

but there's a chance
we might catch up later on.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

I keep hearing that people
are putting the success

of this series of Car Crash TV

down to our contemporary
new taxi feature Rate My Ride.

Nothing to do with our
stellar voice talent, clearly...

So, when it was decided
that we were going to produce

- this police special...
- [tires screeching]

...execs were worried
about whether or not

we could still include,
Rate My Ride.

- Fortunately for everyone...
- [horn honking]

...I've found a website
full of reviews for taxis...

that were used
as getaway vehicles.

Can you believe our luck?

Ryan said
that Carlyintoit did her best.

- She understood the situation...
- [tires screeching]

...and put her foot down accordingly.

her grip on reality

is better than
her car's grip on the snow.

Ben said that AaronGun
got a bit overexcited

at the prospect of being
a getaway driver.

"He cranked up the rock music
and started drifting.

I tried to get him to calm down,

but he was on too much
of a high to pay attention."

"Needless to say,

I'll only be booking Aaron
as my getaway driver

if I know for sure
that the police are on foot."


Rupert however was genuinely
pleased with the getaway service

provided by ThomasSS.

"Thomas took the job seriously.

"He drove
inconspicuously but with pace.

"Sure, we had
a little bit of a bump,

"but he didn't
let the pressure get to him.

"The gun to the back of the head

"was probably the reason
for that,

"so I would recommend
anyone else driving with Thomas

"takes the same precaution.

"But be gentle with him

"and he'll probably offer
you a mint."

Jules said Take Your Barbra Off
was a loose cannon.

"She wasn't interested
in helping me hide the loot,

"and she started having a go
at me for bleeding on the seat.

"It's not my fault
I was stabbed!"


"Oh, and she crashed.
Would not recommend."

Ali said that SidewaysSid
was way over his head.

"The emergency services
had gone one way"

- [siren wailing]
- "All we needed to do

"was keep our head down.

"My head was down.
In embarrassment."

Finally, Shane was disappointed
with RapidRalph's performance.

"The urgency of the journey
seemed to wash right over him.

"And then it washed
right over both of us."

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Coming up later
on Car Crash TV...

They'll be good cops.

[ducks quacking]

- They'll be Bad cops.
- [crashes]

And they'll all be hanging out
at The Scene Of The Crime!

But before all that,

you can give your detective
skills an extra spin,

it's time for everyone's
loved and cherished feature,

What Happens Next?

We've got
some good honest citizens here,

obeying the law
on this dreary night.

But something is about to take
this scene up a notch...

What on earth could it be?

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Welcome back folks,

now before you left
these drivers were just trying

to make it home on this
most miserable of nights.

Holy smokes!

Rule number one, folks, don't
get high on your own supply!

It seems these officers
had wolfed down

enough glazed donuts

to bringing on the mother
of all sugar rushes.

So much, so they lost control
of all bodily functions.

If that didn't finish them off

then they best watch out
for diabetes!

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

It's time now
to return to a feature

that everyone involved hoped
would be shorter

than it turned out.

If you're just tuning in,
this is Mandy.

Don't get the wrong impression
of old banana shoes.

She's not a man hater.
She's a...

public hater.

And she's currently conducting

a citizen's arrest
for that very crime.

Good on her.

But she's been at it
for 7 minutes now

and that's not an exaggeration.

We've sped it up you see.

We've got all the mod cons here
in the Car Crash TV edit booths.

Mandy however is lacking
in the mod cons department.

For example,
those trendy grey joggers

of hers do not contain a phone.

She has no way
of contacting the police

about old flasher Floyd here,

and is having to wait
until an officer

just happens to drive
on this road.


Finally, Mandy is in luck.

If 7 minutes
can be described as luck.

Well done Mandy,
it's time to go home.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Police get too much abuse.

Like literally.

They get physically assaulted
on a regular basis.

- [car crashes]
- Yeah, I'm aware it's their job,

but it just doesn't seem right!

Anyway, show our officers
a bit of love and support

to make up for it.

Bring out the good cops!

And how best to show
you're a good person?

Being nice to animals of course!

Ever seen
a bloodhound cross the road?

Police helped him
to the other side.

If this isn't the very best use
of police funding,

I don't know what is.

Ok, well, what about ducks?

They're noisy,
entitled and responsible

for so many cringe-worthy film
or TV characters.

But despite memories of Howard,
Daffy and Orville...

- [ducks quacking]
- ...this officer is making sure

mother and ducklings
make it across the road.

Now that ladies and gents,
is a good cop.

Waddle we do without him?

Here's one beast
that doesn't look like

he's getting anywhere
in a hurry.

Probably because
he can't keep his eyes open.

To be fair,
if this was my sluggish commute,

I think
I'd have fallen asleep too.

I'll let you know
that unfortunately,

this guy does
not fall off the cart.

Part of me wishes he did.

The other part of me knows

that that clip would be
just so good

that we wouldn't have actually
been able to afford to use it.

So this is
all probably for the best.

But what's for the best

when it comes
to dealing with this guy?

Tricky one.

Let's see how our 'good cop'
handles the situation.

[hoof beats]

Ah of course.

Bring old Joey to a gentle stop,
and leave Jeremy here

to continue winking
into the forties.

It's far too cruel
to wake him up

and get him all embarrassed.

Unfortunately, Jeremy
didn't learn from his mistakes.

Here's some footage
from a fortnight later

where he has indeed fallen off
the back of the cart.

And without the weight
of Jeremy's ever increasing gut

to steady the pace,

the situation has become one

we in the biz call
Operation Runaway Horse.

For those
who don't know the lingo,

that's code for "Oh, my God,
somebody slow these guys down

"before they hurt themselves!"

Luckily for us,
there's a good cop around

who does speak this language,
and he's on a mission

to make sure
these horses get home safely.

Onboard now with a good cop
who's in pursuit,

he's bearing down
at speed on his quarry.

But how do I know
he's a good cop, I hear you ask.

- [car crashes]
- [police siren wailing]

Because he knows
the importance of back-up!

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching, then crashes]

Uh, no Wesley
you aren't my back-up,

- the word you're thinking of is
- burden.

One more good cop
and let's move on,

because let's face it,

things are much more entertaining...

- [horn honking]
- when anybody has the potential

to be in the firing line
of sarcasm.

Okay, so this poor innocent soul
has tripped over

in front of a moving car.

Talk about rotten luck.

And as if that wasn't enough,

the driver of said car
has had the gall

to get out of his vehicle

and kick this poor man
in the ribs!

This really is not his day.

What he needs is a good cop
to come over

and sort this situation out.

A Charlton Heston type geezer

whose sheer presence
will make everything better.


The exact level of empathy
and tenderness

that was required.

Now put him in the back
of your car and take him home.


Perhaps the officer knows
something we don't.

Maybe this guy isn't as unlucky

as first appearances
may suggest...

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

When we signed on to make
you these police specials...

- [horn honking]
- ...we became

contractually obliged
to do a 'good cop' package,

which you've just seen,
along with a...

- [siren wailing]
-'ve guessed it,

not-so-good cop package.

If you're one
of our police-officer viewers

and you spot yourself
in this segment,

please understand
it's all just a bit of a joke.

Just like you.

We open with a dramatic showdown
of a man

who's been stealing air guitars.

Now, you or I might think

- air guitar...
- [sirens wailing]

...isn't worth very much,

but they have
one major advantage,

they're not technically illegal
to steal.

Thinking outside the box!

This gentleman's escape plan
is equally left-field,

He's pretending to surrender

so these gullible cops
get out of their car,

and then he will fly off
into the sunset.

Or wherever
he can get enough signal

to put the air guitars on eBay.

This one starts
with a little bit of action.

Oh, yes, very cool.
Who needs James Bond?

Not Daniel Craig apparently.

He'd rather slit his wrists
than do another James Bond film.

What's that? He is doing
another James Bond film?

I'm confused.

What could possibly make
the man want to go back

to travelling the world,
wearing expensive suits,

kissing beautiful women
and driving Aston Martins?

Obviously had such
a terrible time on "Spectre."

Oh. A pay increase, of course.

Good for him. He deserves it.

Putting his neck on the line
so we don't have to.

But now, let us prove
why the officer in this clip

will never be a contender
for a license to kill.

Look at that.

Our driver got out of the car
and he didn't even see!

Is this a gender thing sir?

Women can be criminals
as well you know!

And secret agents too.

Naomi Harris has got my vote
for the next 007.

But not everyone's
making such great progress.

- [sirens wailing]
- The officers in this clip

are having a seriously hard time
pinning down this boy racer.

God, look at this.

He's making
absolute mugs of them.

Hang your heads
in shame gentlemen!

Oh, and women.

God, not as progressive
as I thought I was.

I'm hanging my head
in shame too.

You know a chase means
business when it opens

with a cloud of sand
as dramatic as this one.

And here he is.
Our guilty party.

- [tires screeching]
- In his stolen Mercedes.

[sarcastically] But, hey,
at least he's had the decency

to pull up and turn himself in.

No... wait...

don't do it!
We've seen how this goes down!

[engine revving]

Urgh, how did you fall for that?

It's the oldest trick
in the book...

CCTV from hypocrite corner,
and one of our esteemed officers

is on his way to base
to log his statements

of all the people
he caught speeding today.


Will his eagle-eyed boss spot
the damage to his squad car?

And will our eagle-eyed viewers

spot that this particular
section of motorway

- has appeared three times...
- [car tires screeching]

in the last ten minutes?

Man, I hope so.

I'd hate to think
all our efforts

were being wasted
on unobservant dunces...

- [car crashes]
- [electricity crackling]

You'd think with this episode...

- [horn honks]
- ...being a Police Special

we'd be able
to give the week off

to our world wearer retired
private detective Chip Kowolski.

But I'm sad to report

that the streets are as mean...

- [car tires screeching]
- they ever were,

and that the Police
can only do so much.

So, dust off that fedora
and grab your smokes my friend,

you've got an appointment
at The Scene Of The Crime.

Good evening folks.

Looks like we have
a particularly perplexing crash

to get things started.

The Police are involved
but they still need my help,

and you can bet
your bottom dollar

they're going to get it.

Here's the cop, on patrol

and looking
to wave down a motorist.

He was supposed to stop not go!
And so the chase is on.

This pursuit is putting
the speed in high speed

make no mistake.

But it is not going to end well.

- [crashing]
- I hate it when I'm right.

In trying to avoid one cop

our bad apple drove straight
into another one.

You were already
having a bad day my friend

and it just got a lot worse!

An Audi has been on
the business end of a bashing,

and while I enjoy seeing
one of these arrogant vehicles

in a state of disrepair,
I must put my prejudices aside

for a minute and discover
what the hell is going on here.

Ah, so our Audi's been
pulled over

and the Police want a word,

no surprise there,
I bet he was driving selfishly.

But no, he clearly
has a more serious crime

that he doesn't want to discuss
and the chase is on!

When will these motorists learn,

when it comes
to a Police pursuit

you can run but you cannot hide.

You're in a bright red Audi,
my friend.

You aren't exactly conspicuous.

Question is,
are the Police going

to end this pursuit,
or is the criminal's hubris?

[tires screeching,
then crashing]

We have our answer, yes
you can run but you can't hide,

and you also can't drive.

You're going down!

One more before I call it a day
and this looks like

it's going to be tricky
to unravel.

A vehicle in the bushes
and two cops on the scene,

but how the dickens did it
get there?

There's the red car
we observed at the scene

and we're onboard with the cops
who are in hot pursuit.

Cobbled streets
and some heavy rain

increases the likelihood

that this little chase isn't
going to have a happy ending.

Just as I thought,
our driver was too busy

concentrating on tackling those
difficult driving conditions

so he took his attention off
the other vehicles on the road.

Now he can concentrate
on that bush he's embedded in,

looks like a privet to me,

I've learned a lot
about topiary since I retired.

Speaking of which it's time
to get back to my garden.

Chip over and out!

- [cra crashing]
- [electricity crackling]


And that's a wrap!

I hope you've enjoyed
our Car Crash TV police special

as much as we have.

I believe complaints have
already started to come in

from disgruntled officers

because we haven't expressed
enough appreciation

- for the work they do.
- [tires screeching]

It's your jobs!

What do you want, a medal?

[theme music playing]