Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Episode #5.20 - full transcript

We kick things off by finding ourselves completely lost in a wintry storm in I Have Snow Idea Where We're Going, before finding ourselves again and celebrating with a little game we like to call Hit Or Miss.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screech and crashes]

Which can often end in disaster!


With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams

- all around the world
- [horn honks]

constantly recording
our behaviour on the roads,

we've been able
to find a multitude

- of jaw-dropping clips.
- [horn honking]

[dogs barking]

From the bizarre.
To the ridiculous.

- The funny...
- [thuds] the downright dangerous.


Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now we're going to delve into
this treasure trove of stupidity

- on the roads.
- [tires screeching]

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

Afterall there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

- To help us become better ones.
- [tires screeching]

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means no one
is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Still to come on yet another
award-winning episode

of Car Crash TV.

What do you mean
we haven't won any awards?

I have one on my desk!

I don't care
if it was just an internal one

dished out at the company
Christmas party,

they all count!


Yes, they'll be award winning
content like...

Three Pedestrians
Walk Into a Car.

Rate My Ride.

And The More Lanes The Merrier.

- Yes, award winning items...
- [tires screeching]

in an award-winning show.

Car Crash TV. Award Winning!

[tires screeching]

- [crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

For many people the first sight
of snow brings warm memories,

happy times spent at Christmas

- with loved ones perhaps.
- [tires screeching]

But not here,

all snow means to me now
is chaos and destruction.

- The downside of this job...
- [horn honks] that I am left permanently
scarred at the sight of snow.

pass me my rescue remedy.

Just for the benefit
of our viewers

I'm prepared
to open up some old wounds.

Now that the weather
is on the turn,

I will undoubtedly be back
visiting my therapist,

- so here is Exhibit A.
- [tires screeching]

Picturesque winter setting
for a driver

who is about
to destroy Christmas.


Erratic driving...
in conditions like this?

Still, I'm no scrooge.

I hope he enjoys his turkey...
on the hospital ward!

It's true that too much snow

makes people aggressive
and erratic.

Get a load of these two.

Folks, in this town,

Ebony and Ivory certainly are
not living in peace and harmony.

In fact, quite the opposite.

In decreased visibility,

drivers should be more aware
of their surroundings.

Otherwise incidents like this
become the norm.

[tires screeching, crashes]

And nobody wants to live
in that sort of world.

Yes, we might be out of work

but my nerves are all
but shredded

because of this job!

Not only has this driver
got the weather to worry about,

but also the erratic tendencies
of this Trolleybus.

Now the gauntlet run is far
from over.

- [horn honks]
- I just don't know

what possesses people
to behave like this.

Wesley, my stress ball please.

I'm not sure how much more
of this I can take,

you people will be
the death of me.

- [car tires screeching]
- [sarcastic sob] Yeah, I know

it's snowing outside.
Please don't remind me.


Oh, sweet lord.

Why do you hate me?

No, no I'm sorry no more.

I refuse... Where's the crash?

[tires screech and crashes]

Oh, so you have had the decency
to cut the impact off.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Right then people
it's that time of the show

when we like to lighten
things up a little bit,

make things fun,

give you something interactive...

- [truck horn honking]
- get your teeth into.

Yes, we're always thinking
of you my lovelies,

we're nice like that.

- So, sit up and pay attention...
- [car horn honks]

because it's time
to play a little game

I like to call Hit Or Miss!

We kick things off
in a quiet suburb

but me thinks things are about
to get a little bit rowdy.

[cheerful laugh] Oh, yes!

Looks like we are kicking off
with a juicy one.

Let's run you
through the particulars.

Will the car we're travelling in
hit the silver car

crossing its path?

Swerve and imbed itself firmly
in that tree?

Or react fast,
stomp on the brakes and miss?

[tires screech]

No quick reactions here
I'm afraid,

just a nice satisfying HIT!


Out of the suburbs
and into the city now.

But is our driver at risk
of an impact in the same way

that this area is at risk of
gentrification, let's find out!

- [buzzer buzzes]
- [scoffs] Oh, dear,

here comes a sneaky BMW
arriving from the left,

but will our driver
hit the overpriced 4x4?

Swerve dramatically and stuff it
into that white car?

Or swerve less dramatically
and drive off into the sunset,

or perhaps sunrise,
it's hard to tell?

[horn blaring]

And it's the less dramatic
swerve for the MISS,

Give that man an iced finger,
he's earnt it!

On board with Mr Moneybags
in his Mercedes,

someone's doing well
for himself,

a little too well for my liking,

perhaps he needs bringing down
a peg or two.

Ah, it seems the chap
in the black car ahead

is keen to oblige me
with an audacious maneuver.

So will we hit the man in black

trust me with that sort of
driving he's definitely a man

Or will Mr Moneybags continue
to live a charmed life

by braking just in time to MISS?


He will not.

Great stuff,
"Welcome to my world friend."

It's two-one
to team Hit thus far,

so will our last clip
see balanced restored

or result
in a resounding hit victory,

let's find out?

Ah, yes,

three clear options here
for our absent-minded driver

who's drifted out of his lane.

So will he stuff it
into the back of the red car?

Swerve and stuff it
into the central reservation?

Or achieve the miss his driving
does not deserve?

It's a HIT and a victory

for high velocity
metal and metal impact, hurrah.

Thanks for tuning in
to another fun packed edition

of Hit or Miss,
now on with the show!

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

We have a range of viewers
over at Car Crash TV.

There's the casual viewer
who dips in and out

to get their fix
of collisions...

- [tires screech]
- ...and then there's the purists

who tweet in to complain
about the slightest change.

And on the subject
of smug little nobodies,

here's some clips of,
urgh, pedestrians.

Pedestrians on the right.
You've seen them.

You're not blind.


the same cannot be said

for this pair of muppets.

Car Crash TV would like
to confirm

that the only casualty
in this clip was...

...this lady,

and, as that pink jacket
is so horrendous,

it's hardly a tragedy.

Car Crash TV would like
to add the disclaimer

that this is of course a joke
and the lady survived.

I'm sorry to say
the same is true of her jacket.

Production Team,
does it count as a pedestrian

- if he's on a scooter?
- [thuds]

Doesn't matter -
he's no longer on a scooter.

God, pedestrians really
are the worst aren't they?

I should look into making it
illegal for them

- to be out on the roads.
- [horn honks]


Or make moves like this legal.

Either works.

That's it my friend,
you hang your head in shame.

This is what being a meter away

from the zebra crossing
gets you.

These pedestrians are about to
cause complete and utter carnage

just from simply being there.

[tirs screeching, crashing]

My mother-in-law's
pretty good at that too.

She doesn't even have to open
her mouth for me to smash a vase

or something out of frustration
at her presence.

Honestly, you should see the way
she breathes.

If you're carrying
heavy shopping bags,

the last thing you want to do
is cross the road

- an appropriate point...
- [tires screeching] a bridge
or a zebra crossing.

You just want to put them down
and get into some warmth,

be it your living room
or your local A&E department.

Some pedestrians are getting
a bit big for their boots.

Look at this guy.

Just because he's wearing
a uniform

he thinks he can straddle a car
and ride it like Seabiscuit.

Those duds might get your wife
a bit hot under the collar

my friend,

but out here on the streets,
car is king.

The only barrier
that's of relevance to me

is the legal one
that prevents us

from naming and shaming you
on national television...

Brian Thompson.
Good, let him sue us.

If it goes to court,
I'm going to get myself a job

manning the barrier
of the courthouse carpark.

To be fair to la pedestriané,

sometimes they do just have
places they need to be.

- [thuds]
- [horn hobks]

The tartan paint store.
A flat earther conference.

But most commonly,
on the pavement!

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

It has been brought
to our attention...

- [tires screeching]
- ...that we give bus drivers,

and I suppose public transport
enthusiasts in general

a bit of a hard time...
And rightly so I say.

Those people chose
the life of misery,

so misery is what we shall
bestow upon them!

That sounded rather biblical.
I like it. Keep it up.

And on the 6th day God said,
let there be Car Crash TV!

All right, all right.
Roll the clips.

Now in the interests of balance,

this first clip goes to show
that yes,

sometimes bus drivers are
subject to acts of violence

that are...
[clears throat] uncalled for.

But such is the nature
of the universe, and the road...

[bus horn honks, and crashes]

For every action
there is a reaction.

Cause and effect.

Look, when they pull off acts
like this I can't defend them.

Seems word got out in this town

that it was the busses
against the people.

Watch this surprise ambush
on the trolley bus

from this silver racer!

- [crashes]
- Yes my friend...[scoffs]

revenge is sweet.
[satirical laugh]

- In this ongoing bust up...
- [crashes] seems that friendly fire,

or collateral damage
as our American friends

like to call it... May occur.

Collateral damage doesn't sound
as bad come to think of it.

Shame about
that fellas neck though,

it's for the greater good mate!

Two busses, this driver
best proceed with caution.

Especially in this atmosphere.

Was that the vehicular
equivalent of a right hook?


Ole TEDEX here better keep
his wits about him...

Mini Cooper on the prowl.

- A hit has been delivered!
- [crashes, shatters]

Should change his name to FEDEX.


Really... Really!

In this battle
between the drivers,

it seems the bus community have
won support from the trams.

In what some would call
a Coalition of Chaos.

That sure is one way
to take on an Audi driver.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Coming up

in the final thrilling part
of Car Crash TV.

Is it a case of More Lanes
the Merrier?

- [car crashes]
- It is not!

How might our cab customer's
Rate My Ride?

I'm guessing low!

And innuendo is once again king,

- ...what a surprise...
- [car crashes behind],
In Your Rear End-O But first...

Here we are
on a wonderful Winter's night,

and our producer
was heading back to Wigan

for a knees up with the boys.

But just what could possibly
happen next?

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Welcome back folks.

Before the break
our wisecracking producer

was heading back
to meet some friends

before it all went a bit sour.

[tires screech, then crashes]

- [electricity crackles]
- But sadly,

all the deep-fried pizza
for lunch left him lethargic

and his ability
behind the wheel gone -

bringing destruction
to this sleepy northern town.

His dreams of switching on
Wigan's Christmas lights are all

but shattered now. Shocking!

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

The road is a fearsome place,

and extra lanes
just add to the carnage.

More lanes, more drivers,
more chaos.

That's the general rule
I have adopted

and it has served me well.

- [tires screech]
- One of the things

I will take away
from this job is this rule,

as well as developing
an unhealthy reliance

- [car crashes]
- ...on calming remedies

and stress balls.

Roll the tapes!

Here is some classic CCTV now.

Watch as this driver,
undoubtedly an oat milk drinker

performs this monumental
foul up.


Where did they teach you
that son?

This is a classic reaction

new drivers have upon
finding themselves

in some form
of major carriageway.

The ''Ruddy hell,
what have I done,

- abort abort!"
- [car tires screech, crashes]

Before realizing it's too late

and they have to go through
with it.

You'll be fine kid!

Watch this masterclass

in how a driver
fast tracked themselves

into the nearest emergency department.

Stationary objects appear
larger the closer...

[car crashes into truck]

How unfortunate.

Looks pretty hazard free right?
Clear road, steady speed.

But something just dawned
on this driver.

- [vehicle crashing behind]
- [tires screeching]


Yes, that's what I like
to call the ''[bleep]

I've left the oven on!" turn.

Some people,
much like my neighbour Clive,

are born into evil
with no remorse whatsoever.

Watch as this driver
unleashes chaos...

[tires screeching]

...then slams off
into the sunset

to ruin someone else's day.


Eyes peeled for this final
spectacle now folks.

Blink and you'll miss it!

Seriously pay attention
because it's coming,

I promise you,

someone somewhere
is going to crash.

[tires screeching
and crashes into car]

You missed it didn't you?

[tires screech
and crashes into car]

There you go!

I don't know why I bother,

I really don't! [scoffs]

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Now I know I'm a dinosaur,

but it boggles my mind
some of the things you can find,

- and buy, on the internet.
- [car horn honks]

Just this morning
I've been reading reviews

for a build-your-own [bleep],
a handheld [bleep] massager,

and extra [bleep]
chocolate-flavored [bleep].

- [car clangs]
- And even though I'm sure

my producer will have to censor
most of what I've just said,

here are some reviews of things
we can talk about.

Specifically, taxi journeys.

Lucy gave Chiv-Al-3
a bad review,

''He had the cheek to pull over
in the middle of my journey

- "to help someone else."
- [crashes into car]

''And then ran into them.
How chivalrous."

Greg took a
while to review RapidRobert0

''I know
I'm late writing this review,

"but I've only
just come out of my coma,"

Greg wrote.

''Why was I in a coma?

[car tires screeching
and crashing in distance]

"Let's just say
that the last thing I remember

"was Robert telling me
he was in a rush

"to get home
to watch the football.

''To be fair to him,
I'm told he took me to hospital

instead of watching
the first half."

Tom had this to say
about Angie-EEE.

''I think things took a turn

"when I asked her to open
the window.

"I genuinely needed a bit of air
as it was quite hot in the car,

"but she took it to mean

"that I wasn't a fan
of her new perfume.

- ''She completely flipped."
- [tires screeching and crashing]

''The only reason she's not
getting a one star from me

"is that her perfume
was genuinely lovely."

Harry enjoyed his journey
with RideAllNight45,

''The amenities in the car
were second to none.

"A free bottle of water.

with different shaped ends

"to fit wherever you could want.

- "And best of all...
- [car crashes]

...''The air bags.

"In perfect condition
it transpires."

Sally won't be riding with
MonaLisa15 again in a hurry,

''I quickly found out
why she's called Mona Lisa.

"I think
she's only taken up taxi-ing

"as a way of finding people
to whinge at.


''When someone then ran up
the back of us,

"she looked like she'd died
and gone to heaven."

Simon wasn't a fan
of his journey with SoreTed1.

''Wasn't interested in chatting.
Wasn't interested in me.

"Wasn't interested
in following the Highway Code."


I wonder if he'll be interested
in the court case.

"See you on June 3rd Ted."

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

You know what's worse than being
smashed from the front?

Being smashed from the back.
Think about it.

You have no time
to brace yourself,

so the likelihood of leaking
bodily fluids in shock

is exponentially greater.

[car clangs behind]

And then you may have
to empty all the boxes

of embarrassing cargo
out of your boot

in front of everyone
when inspecting the damage.

Or is that just me?

I doubt it's just me.

But if it is,
notice how I cleverly omitted

what the embarrassing cargo
consisted of.

I don't want any legal troubles

to come
from this presenting gig,

other than the odd accusation
of slander.

This clip is a shining example

of one of my favourite
motoring skirmishes,

[car crashes behind]
...the rear-end stack up.

You might think

we're in the middle
of a three-car pile-up here,

but I can exclusively reveal

that there's actually
another fifteen cars

behind the one we're on board.

It was the night of the final
episode of Game of Thrones,

so people were in a rush
to get home and see it.

If only they'd known...
Over in the red-light district,

we're going to present you
a rear end

from a voyeuristic
side-on angle.

Just doing what we can to keep
things fresh in the bedroom.

That is where you watch
Car Crash TV right?

Naughty but nice.

Good lord,
have these people in this town

not heard of stopping distances.

[tires screeching, then crashes]

And if we jump forward a tad,

you can see the moment
the bad driver exits her vehicle

and then puts her glasses on.

Feels a bit after
the Lord Mayor's show that.

In the Cayman Islands,
Jeff Bezos is taking the fight

against the high street
to the next level.

Not even adverts promoting
high-street shopping can escape

Amazon's desire
to corner the retail market.

[car crashes]

"Come on, Jeff,

"you're the richest man
in the world,

"and remember,
money doesn't buy happiness."

And if you think I believe that
then you'll believe anything!

And on the theme

of independent
high street retail,

this Audi is about to become
available to purchase at this,

if you didn't pay attention
in Russian class, is a big sale.

You'll struggle to get yourself
a rear-ended Audi on Amazon.

Come on Jeff,
you need to work harder.

[theme music playing]