Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] We're back,

and while we may look
and sound slightly different.

Our mission remains the same.


To entertain while educating you
on how not to drive!

With the thousands of dashcams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

[dog barking]

From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous.

The funny

to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little
cameras have captured

about every mishap
you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing

the antics
of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

[crashing, tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

[upbeat music playing]

Still to come on the show,

more ridiculously outrageous

from all around the world, including,

some snow-based shenanigans.


A collection of pretty pathetic pedestrians.

[car horn honks]

And a brand-new item
when you get to join me

in the gleeful act
of Identifying the Idiot!

You want more?

Okay, how about me showing
my complete and utter contempt

for the production team,
that never gets old.

Trust me, it's going to be
a right lark, ha!

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

In this modern world,
we all lead busy lives

and our haste to get things
done quickly,

often translates
to our behavior on the roads.

But does increasing our velocity

help to increase
our productivity?

Not always. Observe!


Oh, look, a clear
and uncongested motorway,

we clearly aren't in the UK!

[tire squealing, crashing]

You see we may complain bitterly
about the constant upheaval

on our road networks,
but at least it reduces

the chance of us getting
carried away.

[upbeat music playing]

Thanks, Highways Agency.

Really! Thanks a lot!

This driver is suffering

from a crippling case
of hemorrhoids

and all he wants to do
is sit down on a comfy couch.

Oh, this was not the time
to put further strain

on your bottom, my friend.

[upbeat music playing]

Did you know that some people
who are color blind

cannot distinguish
between Red and Green?

And why would I bring this up
I hear, you ask?

No reason, really, I just
thought you might like to know,

I can't think for a minute
what I've seen

that could have possibly brought
that little information

to the forefront of my mind.


Now, what do we have here?

Oh, nasty, reminds me
of that scene in "Casino Royale"

when LeChiffre goes to town on
Bond's bits with a knotted rope.

That should bring a tear
to the eye.

And now
for your viewing pleasure,

a clip that is the definition
of the word Schadenfreude.

A speeding Mercedes rear ending
a Police car.

Uh-uh Schadenfreude!

No, I'm not going to educate
the audience on what it means,

I'm here to educate on driving
not the English Language.

[calm music playing]

This is a long build up.

I hope this is deliberate
so as to build up tension.

[tire squealing]


That was disappointing, yeah,

almost the antithesis
of Schadenfreude.

Look, Lesley, you hire me,

you get the big words,
deal with it!

Earlier we saw a car destroy
its under-carriage

and I made a somewhat
tenuous link

to Daniel Craig's first foray
into the role of Bond.

A lazy writer would try
and repeat that gag here.

[clears throat]

Seems a bit pricey
for a lawnmower.

Unless this clip is from Russia,

in which case,
£3.67 is a fricking bargain!

No wonder Mo is in such haste

to get to his local
garden center,

at those prices,
they won't be around for long.

Oh, dear,
why did you have to Fly-Mo?

Oh, kill me, kill me now!

Okay, one more time
for the uneducated.


And if you stay tuned
right till the end of the show

I might just tell you
what that means!

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

I hope we've made it
obvious to you

that 99% of road traffic accidents

are not caused by poor weather,
unreliable cars

or excessively
inquisitive fauna,

they're caused by people.

The human brain
is a lethal thing,

hence nine Saw films.

To prove that it's people
who are the problem,

here is a series of incidents

where the perpetrator didn't
even need to be behind a wheel

to cause a scene.

This man thinks
he's a touch of class.

He delivers a "thanks
for not running me over" wave

like the queen.

"It's important for royalty
to always maintain

a sense of dignity,

so hurry up
and get out of here, pronto."

Okay, we're in a bus lane.

I'm telling myself
that we are on board a bus here,

so all the blame
falls on the pedestrian,

ignorance is bliss.

[car horn honking]

Or it almost gets you killed.

[Gasps] Please don't be
the child,

please don't be the child, please...

Oh, thank God. Wow.

This lady's fellow pedestrians

showed her a lot of sympathy,
didn't they?

Warms the heart.

Aw, look at that, the young
survivor has picked up

something our victim dropped.

He's about to give it back
to her, surely.

No? Someone runs
the little thief over.

Don't wear bright orange
trainers on a scooter

unless you're completely confident

in your scooting prowess.

The last thing you'd want to do
is draw attention to yourself.

[upbeat music playing]

This guy's been drinking
too much of this.


Wait for it...


Can you feel the pure disgust
of this woman

who's stopped
to have a good look?

Huh, I feel you.

Now, do you remember back
in the '80s

when popular rap trio
The Beastie Boys used to wear

car badges around their necks?

Well, if you don't,
trust me, it happened.

Yep, that's right,

even back then the world was
a strange and confusing place.

Well, this led to people going
around pinching car badges

and hood ornaments from vehicles

to mimic the aforementioned
rap trio

in a practice that became
known as Beastieing.

Yeah, I know it's not funny,
but it's least

it's meant that I didn't
draw attention to the fact

that the woman may well be
a prostitute.

They can't all have a punchline,
you know.

[upbeat music playing]

Case in point.

Here's a clip where a pedestrian
does something stupid.

Whoopee doo.

Uh, whatever.

The wheels have well and truly
fallen off this item.

After this man's done
obstructing a dual carriageway

trying to steal a wheel,

it's time to get back
to what we do best,

Cars crashing into cars.

Well, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

[mellow music playing]

Here at Car Crash TV,
we're here to inform,

to educate and to entertain.

That isn't enough
to pay the bills,

so we've developed
a little side line

in the private detective
business by recruiting

retired highway patrol officer,
Chip Kowolski,

to solve some Car Crash conundrums.

It's time to visit,
the Scene of The Crime!

Good evening folks,

our first case today involves
that truck nestled

in the bushes
by the side of the road.

How did it get there?

It certainly isn't making
a delivery

so clearly foul play is at work.

Let's observe the evidence.

Okay, we can see
the traffic light at this moment

are clearly green, but look,
as they change to red,

here comes the truck at speed.

A self-inflicted accident
with collateral damage to boot.

And don't think I didn't notice
the second truck.

Two arrests
for the price of one.

Is this a crime
against a motorist,

a crime against property
maintenance or both?

The car we're riding in
is driving at a steady pace

towards the junction,

clear green light means
he's good to go.

Don't worry, my friend,
I've got the driver

of the white car's number.

He's heading to the cells

and I'm heading straight
to the DIY store

to purchase some white gloss
for those window frames.

[jazz music playing]

Not the clearest of footage,
but even I can tell

this is a particularly
nasty impact,

but which of the two drivers
is going to feel

the long arm of the law?

Well, there goes car A
driving fast,


so he's already guilty
of two crimes.

But I can't blame him
for the impact.

No, sir, I'll be arresting
the distracting alien

that appears to have invaded
our atmosphere.

And finally,
I think even you fine folk

can get to the bottom
of this one.

The evidence is right
in front of you,

but never let it be said
I'm not thorough.

There's driver A
waiting patiently

for the lights to turn green,
and as they do away he goes.

Pretty cut and dry,
but if we keep watching,

we can grab the final
decisive bit of evidence.

As red as your face, my friend.

[jazz music playing]

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Over the years the humble
motorcar has moved on

in leaps and bounds, safety,
technology and of course speed.

However, there is one type
of car that has refused

steadfastly to move
with the times,

a stubborn vehicle that has
only one goal,

to cause its owners

and the rest of the motoring
public abject misery.

Time to get your hate on!


[upbeat music playing]

These little blighters appear
all over the roads,

often coming out of nowhere
to inconvenience other drivers.

[car horn honks, crashing]

I mean granted
the traffic lights are red,

so the Lada was the only car
actually obeying

the rules of the law,
but like a right-wing politician

let's just gloss over any facts

that don't support
our narrative.

Don't let them say
we don't do satire.

Be warned people,
Lada's come in three's

so you should always,
always be vigilant.

This motorist thinks he's safe,

two have passed by him
without incident

so he foolishly lets down
his guard.

This I'm afraid
will be his undoing.


Never underestimate their power!

[ominous music playing]

Honestly, it's incredible
what they can achieve

even when they aren't
actually trying.

[tire squealing]


A multi-car pile-up
and it didn't even have to move.

They're like the spawn of Satan.

Now this driver is being sensible,

keeping a safe distance,
trying not to pass,

as all the advice
out there suggests.

[tire squealing, crashing]

The guy in the white car
though got too close

and was temporarily
blinded by its ugliness.

Remember, always keep a distance

of at least five meters
from any Lada.

[upbeat music playing]

I said five meters!

Dammit, are you trying
to get us all killed?


See, it's lashed out.

Okay, everyone, back off.

Of course, the behavior
of these beasts

has led to reports
of vigilantism.

[car horn honks, crashing]

Do not be tempted
into such acts,

they are ultimately futile,

you're just giving it
what it wants.

[upbeat music ends]

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Coming up next
on Car Crash TV...

The snow is piling up.

[tire squealing, crashing]

The bikers are bouncing around.


And the idiots are basically
doing what comes naturally.



But first! Interesting location
for a ramble.

Not sure it's one
I'd have chosen,

Snowdonia maybe
or The Peak District?

It's not for me to judge though,

it's for me to ask
What Happens Next?

[upbeat music ends]

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

aSo, what did happen next?

Well, before the break
I suggested

that this wasn't the best spot
to choose for a ramble,

but was I right?


Was there ever any doubt?

But at least we've learned
something today,

High Vis really does work.

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Climate Change.

Bad news for the planet
and bad news for those of us

who inhabit the planet.

And then there's those of us
who wish to traverse the planet

on two or more wheels.

Still, keep pretending
it's not a thing if you want!


[upbeat music playing]

Scientology, a load of old hokum

or a bona fide
and powerful religion?

Believe it or not, this clip
might hold the answer.

Because that is the church
of Scientology.

And all three drivers involved
were non-believers.

Unlike our American friends,

we British have never really struggled

with the concept of Irony.

This clip is all the explanation
you will ever need.


Because the car crashes
into the thing

that's trying to keep it safe
on the road.

[upbeat music playing]

Only one thing to take
from this clip, did you spot it?

The yellow house, how radical.

Check out the woman on the left.

No, she's not dead,
see, off she goes.

[tire squealing, crashing]

Look at that,
doesn't even flinch.

Cold as Ice.

I know what you're thinking,
Russia, right?

Or perhaps Slovakia?

But no, this is actually the
A419 just outside Cirencester.

Climate change is real, people.

Now, it's a little-known fact

that cars can actually
illicit emotions.

Don't believe me, then
check out this little fella.

Just look at his face,

devastated by the embarrassment
of that little spin.

[suspenseful music playing]

Somewhere in upstate New York

the Blair Witch is up
to her old tricks again.

She's been around since 1785
so fair play to her

for keeping up
with modern advances

and learning how to drive.

And if you thought
the Blair Witch was scary,

hold on to your colon.

[car horn honks, crashing]

Real life is always much more
frightening isn't it?

Well, if the signposts can't
make their mind up.

What chance do the drivers have?

[tire squealing]

I rest my case.

Welcome to monochrome city,
where every single vehicle

is either black or white.

Are they all
in some sort of cult?

[glass breaking]

No wonder the bus driver
is angry,

no one likes to be left out.

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

We here are Car Crash TV
aren't afraid of change.


And we are always looking
for new, exciting ways

in which to throw together
a collection of clips

for your viewing pleasure.

In the past,
you might have heard

the word "blame" shouted loudly
at a hapless motorist,

now you'll hear a different word

as it's time for us
to Identify the Idiot!

[upbeat music playing]

The game is a simple one.

You're about to see the buildup
to a road traffic accident,

but just before the money shot,
we'll freeze the action

and ask you if you can identify
the idiot.

We'll then rewind,
give you the crash

that you crave and then see if
you identified the dunce driver.

And an easy one to kick you off,

if of course you were
paying attention.

Any thoughts?

Let's wind back
and look for details.

[rewind noises]

The traffic lights are key
in this one,

amber currently,
but then they switch to red

at the very last moment

making the driver of the black
car the person responsible.


Cathartic, isn't it?

That one was a little tricky
in fairness

as I imagine you were
concentrating on the rules,

so because I'm kind I've made
round two a lot easier.

Well, there's easy
and their obvious,

but for the sake of closure
let's go through the motions.

[upbeat music playing]

So, speeding, overtaking,

whilst approaching a blind dip
in the road.

So many errors of judgement
on display here

suggesting the chap
in the silver car

isn't the sharpest.

Happy? He most certain is not.

Idiot! 100 percent!

Ah, the night time commute,
always a painful

and unpleasant experience,

but it's about to get
a lot more painful.

Let's try and work out
which of these two

is about to be called out
on national TV?

Tricky one
this due to the complete

lack of road markings,
it's hard to know

if the gray car is in
a right turn only lane.

Either way he's undertaking,

so he was always
going to be the Idiot.

And bonus Idiot
to the town planners,

buy some white paint please!

Now we know we're going
to get a crash,

but at least we can enjoy
some delightful foliage

before the unpleasantness
unfolds, I love a leafy suburb.

The car we're onboard
or the black car

we're about to slam into?

We don't need to wind back too
far for our answers on this one.

Clean green light makes
the black car the Idiot!

Can't see him, wind back again,

so I can point
my pointy thing at him.


Thank you!


[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

When you're a kid,
one of the greatest milestones

you reach is learning to ride
without stabilizers.

Then you grow up, learn to drive
and breathe a sigh of relief,

safe in the knowledge
that you'll never again

have to take your life
in your own hands

by balancing precariously
on two wheels in busy traffic.

Unless you're
one of these berks!

[guitar solo ends]

The competition between those
food delivery service companies

is starting to get badly out
of hand.

Stop trying to sabotage
each other!

All we want
is a lukewarm cheeseburger

and some soggy chips
that don't look like

they've been through
a cement mixer.

Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of Cheeseburgers.

It seems this driver
is determined

to make a vehicular version
that uses the biker

and his steed
as the delicious meaty filling.

No ketchup though.
Kidding, he's fine.

Oh, look,
yet more cheeseburgers.

But our next biker isn't hungry
for sustenance,

he's a religious biker
who's hungry for absolution.

The atheist are in town though.

Don't worry, he forgives you,

for some reason
best known to himself

and God presumably.

Despite being
dangerous death traps,

motorcycles are also considered
to be very desirable

to men of a certain age.

Pity this chap then
in the boring family wagon,

transporting his children
to various Saturday clubs

whilst teetering on the edge
of a nervous breakdown.


Yep, he's snapped,
made your bed, you lie in it,

and next time consider
the prophylactic.

This is a tediously
long build up.

Where's the motorbike?

Why do I care?

I get paid by the word!

Oh, no, not the motorbike,
a scooter.

Very much the Lada
of the two-wheeled world.

Slow, unattractive
and seems to have

a magnetic attraction to danger.

Bit like my assistant Wesley,
if you replace danger for cake.

What's that, what?
You can hear me? Good!

Wesley, consider this
a type 2 diabetes intervention.

[theme music playing]