Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 19 - Episode #5.19 - full transcript

To kick things off we'll be heading onto the battlefield for Word War Lada, before heading to court to see if we can lock up a few more despicable drivers Behind Bars.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching and crashes]

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find
a multitude

- of jaw-dropping clips.
- [horn honking]

- [dogs barking]
- From the bizarre.

- [clangs on head]
- To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.


Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

- of stupidity on the roads.
- [tires screeching]

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

Afterall there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one, and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV.

I'm not going to lie, we've got
the lot this week folks, Bikes,

- ...Ladas...
- [crashes]

- [tires screeching]
- ...trucks,

- ...idiots...
- [tires screeching]

- ...prisons...
- [car crashes]


Yep, the production team
have really pulled out

all the stops for you
fine people

and this is in no way linked

to their impending
Performance Development Reviews.

But if there's one thing
they have failed to appreciate,

it's that old saying
Too Little Too Late.

But don't feel bad for them,

they deserve what's coming
to them

and you, dear viewers,
deserve this fine, fine episode,

so everyone's a winner, sort of.


[glass shatters]

- [glass shatters]
- [electricity buzzing]

I consider this series
of Car Crash TV to be a success.

Not just the record-high viewing figures,

or the fact I am yet to have
my contract terminated.

But because I feel
that we have made

excellent headway
at combating the Lada problem.

Here is a selection of clips

sent in by our most loyal
viewers of them taking the fight

back to the Ladas.

We all have a moral
responsibility to our planet

and the moral responsibility
I'm referring to,

is the immediate removal
of all Lada's from the road.

- [crashes]
- [tires screeching]

Well done for doing your duty, sir,

remember if you see one, act!

And for the few of you
who have the gall to say

that Lada drivers
have feelings too,

then you're clearly
a Lada driver yourself.

And you're lying.

This clip came in
from a Jordan Burns

who said he wouldn't be happy
unless he bust his bonnet

by bumping into one
of the beasts.

Jordan, I hope
you're as satisfied as I was

when I nailed
"bust his bonnet by bumping

into one of the beasts"
on my first take.

The car we're on board
is not our vigilante,

just an innocent bird watcher.

He accidentally caught
a Lada assault on camera

and was kind enough to share.

Doesn't it just make
your heart flutter?

Round the corner
from the world's smallest sheds,

a Lada is about to get terror'd.

What a day for it.

Such a lovely blue sky.

To smash a lovely blue Lada.

And when I say lovely, obviously,

I'm referring to two hours
after this

once it's made it
to the scrapyard.

[laughs] Oh, what a sound.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

I used to think this series
was a comedy.

But now I realize...
it's a crime documentary.

These drivers are committing
criminal offences after all.

There's nothing funny
about that.

To show them how funny it isn't,

here's retired police detective,
Jock McSwingan.

Take it from me when I say
if Jock ever had a sense

- of humor...
- [white car crashes] crumbled away long
before Car Crash TV

was even a glimmer
in a TV commissioner's eye.

Jock, the floor is yours.

Alright, wee boys and girls.
Jock here.

And he's right, there is nothing
funny about crime.

Or prison.

Which is where this guy
is going.

Bon voyage, sir.

Enjoy your time... behind bars.

Fancy yourself a bit
of a hard nut, do you?

Both words will keep you up
at night when you're...

Behind bars.

Want to be first in the queue,
do you?

You won't when you see
what they're serving

- for lunch... behind bars.
- [car clangs behind]

History for blocking up
the road, have you?

Unblocking the toilets
will be your new highlight...

Behind bars.

Fan of a little surprise attack,
are you?

Then you shall know
what to look out...

[car horn blares]
...for every 21 minutes...

behind bars.

Try to avoid the big beasts,
do you?

- Hard to do...
- [crashes and rattles]

...when that's 90%
of the population...

Behind bars.

Think you can pull out

- whenever you want, do you?
- [crashes and thuds]

There are some things
you can't pull out of

until you have permission...
Behind bars.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Bikes are ridiculous,
aren't they?

- [bike screeches on road]
- They're like cars,

only about a thousand times

less safe, have half the number
of wheels to balance on,

- nowhere to store a body...
- [thuds on road]

...far worse
for the environment,

and no option
to play your favorite LP.

- [thuds]
- Yep...

not only are they ridiculous,

they're completely rubbish too.

Now, if you're a motorbike rider

and you're currently watching
Car Crash TV,

"I used to like this guy.

"He calls a spade a spade.

"What's he having a go
at me for?

"I never did anything
to hurt him."

Then I'm sorry to say
that you're wrong!

You purchased a motorbike.

- That physically hurts me.
- [crashes and rattles]

Probably not quite
as hurt as this guy is.

But the pain is real.

I'm not the only one
who feels this way.

The guy who's controlling
the barriers

at this crossroads is
equally keen to see biker guts

on the road.

Unfortunately, he didn't have
the guts to keep them penned in.

Careful of the car, sir.

- That big bright red thing.
- [clangs]

You're right, why would you have
seen it?

You know how car drivers get all
passive aggressive

when other drivers
make a mistake?

- [bicycle bell tinkling]
- Full beam revenge and all that?

Well, you can still get involved
with this pettiness

if you're riding a bike.

Alright, mate, he shouldn't have
blocked the cycle path.

But you shouldn't have bought
that basket, it looks pathetic.

I'm going to play this clip
in reverse to make a point.

This is what scooters are meant
to look like.

This is what scooters
are not meant to look like,

handlebars on the floor.

And now in chronological order,
please, Wesley.


End on a high.

I wonder what these women think
of this man's cycling skills.

- So go on, what's the verdict?
- [rattles]

An apathetic bottle waft.
It's not looking good.

Maybe I'm being too harsh.

I need to try and open my mind
and see things

from the cyclists' perspective.

- And here's my chance!
- [clunks]

Having stepped into the shoes
of a cyclist,

my perspective has changed.

They're not idiots.

They're misguided fools
who think they are doing

their bit for the environment,
you know what,

just go vegan instead,
it's a lot safer

and it's amazing how much
flavor you can get

out of a mushroom.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Coming up later

- on Car Crash TV.
- [horn honks and tires screech]

We'll inspect
some Botched-Up Bonnets.

- Identify the Idiots.
- [horns honking]

And investigate
the Scene of The Crime.

- [tires screeching]
- [rattles]

But before any of that drivel,
let's engage in something

with a bit of substance.

That's right,
it's your favorite clip

show parlor game
What Happens Next!

I think it's obvious
in this clip

which vehicle is about to get
what's coming to him.

Just look at him go!

Or to put it another way,
who's he going to crash into?

And will that person kick him
in the nuts?

These are some of the most
important questions there are,

people, make sure you get them

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Before the break,
I asked you to guess

what this impatient ignoramus
was about to do.

Usually, we leave the idiot
in a What Happens Next clip

a mystery, but there was
no point this time.

It's obvious that he's the one
who's going to slip up,

[tires screech]

I mean, look at that!
It angers me.

How people think they're
the only ones who matter.

That their journey is more
important than anyone else's.

If I was sharing a road
with this buffoon, I'd...

Yes, I'd do that. [laughs]
What a plot twist!

Old dusty McDusterson was not
the one to do the crashing.

But he did get what he deserved.

With a happy ending like that,

is it even worth continuing
the show?

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Now, once more we turn
our attention

- to some of the biggest beast...
- [rumbles] grace our roads.

Yes, they put the ruck in truck.

The art in articulated.

The... [off mic]

Well, don't look at me,
you started this,

and to be honest the second one
doesn't really work,

what's artistic about a truck.

- [crashes]
- Christ, I despair of you a lot,

I really do.

Just roll the clips.

- Truckers...
- [tires screeching loudly]

...a right old miserable bunch

of pastry eating misogynists, right?


Look at this one,
having the time of its life.

Guys, I think
we've just misunderstood them

all these years.

- [car tires screeching]
- [crashes]

Mate, did you not get the memo,

we're ok with truck driver's

it only took us most
of the series

but we finally understand them.

Reserve your vigilante behavior
for the Lada's.

Honestly, it's like they've
decided to turn over a new leaf.

Look at this one for example.

[tires screech, clangs]

Deftly applying the brakes
so a major collision

only becomes a minor one.

Big whoop I hear you cry
but know this,

the local bakery
is only 50 meters further

along that road
and we're down wind.

This is serious growth people.

See, he's holding his hands up
and taking responsibility

for the crash,
even though his nostril

are currently awash
with the smell of baked goods,

what a hero!

The trucks are reveling

in their new carefree outlook
on life.

Now, normally a little scrape
like this...

Would see one driver hunt down
the other and kick the [bleep]

out of him.

But not today.

They're treating this like
a game of tag,

the playful scamps.

I mean they still aren't perfect
but, hey, who is.

But you should never judge
anyone who suffers

from a crippling case
of dandruff.

It's a medical condition
not a life choice.

Now, I know
what you're going to say.


The truck did that on purpose,
but I don't want to undo

all today's good work.

I mean, in fairness
that is a very silly little car,

so I suspect
he just couldn't see it.


Just go with it, okay,
only one clip to go,

we need this, you should see
the way truck drivers

look at me these days.

Yes, let's tear down
the barriers

between us
and the truck drivers.

I don't want to cause anymore

Let us rail no more
against one another.

Wait a minute, are you
doing pun based humor?

Great, they've turned on us again,

all my good work undone

because you can't write
a decent joke.

Hit us again, Mr Truck Driver,
we deserve it!

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

Well, friends,
it seems we've reached

that portion of the show
when I like to take

all my pent-up frustration

- and unleash it on someone...
- [horn honks]

- ...who is deserving.
- [tires screeching]

And since I'm on my final
warning with HR

I can no longer direct said

- pent up frustration
- [horn honks]

in the direction of Wesley,
or the Producer.

And since the restraining order

I can no longer direct said
pent up frustration

in the direction of my neighbor
and nemesis Clive.

Which means, I have just got
one option left to me,

so quickly, before the big vein
in my head pops.

[tires screeching]

Let's Identify the Idiot.

Okay, team, let's make this
a good one, shall we?

I said a good one!

There isn't a great deal
of mystery here

I'm afraid, folks, but we should
let that get in the way

of some finger pointing fun!

[reel rewinding]

It would be that there chap
pulling out in front of our car

with gay abandon!

- [crashes]
- [glass shatters]

Load up the pointy thing,
you are an idiot!

Early idiocy in this clip.

Look at the ridiculous
overpriced oversized car.

Right there is an idiot the car
salesman saw coming.

Mm, still waiting, maybe he's
the only idiot on this road,

surely not.


Ah, and there we have him,
right on cue,

not prepared to wait
in the traffic

like everyone else,
so just barges his way through.

Wrecking his car
and several others.

You sir are an idiot.

And I suspect about to be
in a spot of bother

with the authorities judging
from that piece of driving.

Now, what do we have here.

Check out the creep
in the white car,

trying to creep his way across
the intersection.

But there are no lights here,
no road markings,

nothing to indicate
that a maneuver like this

is in any way acceptable.

That, sir, would make you
perfectly deserving

of the title... Idiot.

Quick fire start on this one.

And the quality of the footage
is going to make

idiot identification
a little trickier than normal.

But the clues are there,
my friend.

Just there on the right,
in fact, a little red light.

That's why the car we're
on board in stationary.

That's why the car driving
towards us should also be.

[car crashes]

But he isn't,
ergo he is an idiot.

And not just for his driving,
who wears a mustard colored top

in his day and age!

If there's one thing to take
from Car Crash TV,

it's that humans are always
to blame.

In most of our clips,

- that human is the driver.
- [tires screech and crashes]

But every now and again,
we can extend that blame

over to the fool
who put the car together.

Here's a few clips of cars made

- by morons.
- [car crashes]

The local mechanic has designed
wheels which he claims soar

to new heights of motoring.

Very impressive, mate.

Really useful
for an emergency transfer

if a plane had set off
without its tires.

For your next feat,
how about you try and design

a wheel that stays attached
to a car?

Don't you just love it
when you reach to open

your sunroof and the whole
thing pops out of your car?

[sunroof pops up]

You do. It's proper freeing.

And can often lead
to a situation like this

Where weather-beaten residents
have to cover the hole up

with their own
make-shift sunroofs.

If only his car manufacturer
had displayed such innovation.

[tires screech]

Eesh. The driving is one thing,

but the real error
is that paint job.

Someone check
if that look is actually legal.

A batch of Russian vans has been
recalled after several reports

of wheels detaching themselves
from the rest of the van.

[horn honks]

Supporters of the brand have
tried to draw a correlation

between the van drivers
who eat the most pasties

and the vans whose wheels
can't take the pressure.

- Even if that's true...
- [horn honks]

...the manufacturer should have

taken that into consideration,
know your client!

[jolly whistle music]

Peugeot, however, are
refusing to take responsibility

for a manufacturing error.

Despite footage like
this cropping up

all over the internet, they
claim that wheel-trim-tightness

is the responsibility of each
individual dealership.

I personally think
that tightness itself

is the real issue.

These things don't cost much
to replace, guys,

take responsibility
and make some new ones.

Urgh, who's going to admit
to the "tightness" pun?

No one? Thought so.

The wheels have fallen off
this one,

let's go back
to slating drivers.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

I'm pretty great.

Stop laughing, Wesley,
I am and you know it.

Sorry, where was I, oh, yeah,
I'm pretty great,

however, I'm sadly not perfect

and if there is a chink
in my armor,

it's my ability
to successfully sleuth.

Try as I might
I just can't crack

some of the trickier Car Crashes
we receive,

so those that would normally
be perfect

for the Idiot pile
are put elsewhere,

ready for a Monday,
when our top detective

graces us with his presence.

Chip Kowolski is his name
and solving crime is his game.

[detective accent]
Evening, folks.

Well, this is a smokey old scene
ripped straight out of the pages

of one of my favorite books.

But no fiction here,

only facts that I need to get
to the bottom off.

Let's wind this one back
and let me peel the onion.

Okay, so the driver
we're travelling

with is driving well at a nice
steady pace.

Call me premature, but I think
I'm going to rule him out

of our enquiries straight away.

I know you thinking, what sort
of maverick is this guy?

The best kind,
I knew there was no way

our driver was going to be
in the wrong.

No, sir, the book is firmly
being thrown in the direction

of the 4x4 driver.

You don't cross someone's path
like that

without there being ample
distance between yourself

and the oncoming car.

This case is closed.

Two crimes on display here,
first the crash,

and it looks like a nasty
one, and second,

they seem to have come together

right outside Big Bo's
Boston BBQ Joint.

Imagine being so close
to some of the best brisket

on the East Coast and having
to delay your sustenance

to deal with this mess.

But deal with it we shall.

Okay, the first of our suspects
is in the car up ahead

and he's approaching
a series of turns.

I hope he gives them
the respect they're due.

[car crashes]

Well, he isn't going to get
a chance.

Another driver
with the inability

to wait for a suitable gap
in the traffic.

Either that or the smell
of that damn fine brisket

was just too good and he was
gripped by the need for meat.

I feel you brother,
but I'm still sending you down.

Well, well, well,
talk about blurred vision.

Let's un-pick this one
before I reach for the bourbon

and my smokes.

Make sure you keep your eyes
peeled too folks,

[tires screeching and crashes]

Did you see him?

Let's wind back once more
and slow it down.

You may have thought the 4x4
was to blame but no,

the fella who rear ended him
is our culprit here.

A smash to the back
of a 4x4 topped off

with some collateral damage,

this one's going down
for a stretch.

Pour me a couple of fingers,
this is Chip signing off.

- [car crashes]
- [electricity buzzing]

And that's it.

We are done for another episode
and I think you can all agree,

dear viewers, we put our heart
and soul into this one.

I mean we could just wrap
things up now

and you should technically
be satisfied

but you want more, don't you,
you want blood and sweat.

Well, you can't have it, okay!

[theme music]