Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Episode #5.18 - full transcript

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[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find
a multitude

of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.



Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

Investigate the Scene
of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

Afterall, there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely, not everyone
is this lucky.



Still to come on this thrill
a minute episode

of Car Crash TV.

We'll see if The Wheels
on the Bus

Grind Me Down.

See if I can survive
The Most Dangerous Village

in the Ukraine.

And reflect
on What I Lovely Rear You Had.

What do you mean had?

My buns are still in great nick
I'll have you know.

Firm but with just
the right amount of give

so that a little squeeze
is fun for both me and you.

No, you can't put that
to the test, Wesley,

we discussed boundaries

during the halitosis
intervention of 2016.

Oh, and we'll have
the usual selection

of top items
all for your viewing pleasure.

Wesley, stop looking at me
like that

I am not a piece of meat!

We live in an Orwellian world.

No, I don't mean
the talking animals,

although those are starting
to creep me out.

I'm talking about Big Brother.

He's constantly watching us.

Which is no problem
for me

because
I'm an upstanding citizen

and I don't do anything wrong
unless I'm in a toilet cubicle

where it's illegal to film me.

The guys in this sequence
don't know

how to play the system though.

They have decided to play out
their stupidity

under the gaze
of CCTV cameras.

Novices.

Eyes here people.

Ah, a lamppost,
lovely harmless fun.

If only we could see that

in more visceral
close-up detail.

Well, as we're not in a toilet
cubicle ladies and gentlemen,

we most probably can.

Ah, perfect.

Bring on the bozo!
Amazing.

Street lights are overrated anyway.

I'd take a world of darkness
any day of the week.

Ah, my request has been granted,

and in black and white too.

That means something bad
is going to happen.

How do I know?

Have you never seen Psycho?

And if you think the crash
was bad luck, wait until you see

where our driver is going
to have to spend the night

until the mechanic arrives
in the morning.

Motel a La Bates, which has had
cutting reviews online.

Birds eye view.
Quite literally.

The council attached a GoPro

to the head of Percy,
the pigeon,

and gave him 16 peanuts
to hover dutifully still

over this intersection
for a day.

And it's a good job too.

The footage was used to get
this bird-brain sentenced

to 6-months community service.

Well done, Percy.

How's that for a feather
in your cap?

Not actually a road this.

It is in fact a vehicular
jousting stadium.

It's a new sport very much
in its infancy

so is in dire need
of the exposure we're providing.

The check did clear right?

Oh, look,
here comes the fan now.

It doesn't matter
if a clip's black and white.

Here's one, and we can still
enjoy the crash just as much.

Actually,
is this more vehicular jousting?

So not a new sport after all
if this was filmed

before color CCTV
became the norm.

Oh Christ, we've been had,
I fear a suing coming on.

At least with a white van man,

you know what level of hostility
to expect.

The rest of the color palette,
they could tip either way,

just like this guy.

Live on Twitter Boulevard...

Two cars have collided
on the hashtag crossing.

Hashtag hard luck.

Hashtag crash porn.

Hashtag don't tweet
whilst driving.

This clip looks almost
identical to the last one.

Come on guys, we need to keep
this show varied...

visually dynamic!

Yes, I know none of you are
varied or visually dynamic,

but this is your chance
to rebrand.

Do something a bit different
with yourselves!

No?

Fine. Let's play some more
car crash clips,

go home, make some pasta,

watch some uninspired
clip shows, go to bed,

come back
and do it all again tomorrow.

It's time to take a break from
all these car crashes...

or is it?

Here's the game that was robbed

of the "Car Crash TV Game
of the Year" award

by What Happens Next
it's Hit Or Miss!

Round one, and there's
one driver here

who is clearly at fault.

Yes, it's this white van thing.

It might be an ambulance, so I'm
going to cut it a bit of slack

in case I choke on a date stone
one day

and this guy is the one
rushing me to hospital.

Will it... Hit the silver car

which is pulling
into its trajectory?

Swerve and hit this lamppost?
Swerve and hit this lamppost?

Or miss the lot?

A delectable hit with the car
and the lamppost.

Never let it be said that we
don't tick all the boxes here

at Car Crash TV.

Hit or Miss round two,
and there's two hazards

for this silver Volkswagen.

Will it collide with the car
to its side,

crunch into the car
we're onboard

or skillfully succeed
in skirting around both?

What's that?

Oh, apparently that was totally
off brand.

Let me try again.

Will this car hit this, hit us,
or miss?

Hit.

Not a crunch or a collide.
A hit.

Marketing can squeeze
all the fun out of anything.

Finally, round three.

And to keep things challenging,
I'm going to give you

four options
in our final conundrum.

Will this car Hit this car
to its left?

Hit this van to its right?

Hit both of them?

Or carry on about its day?

Fine! Will it miss?
On-brand!

There, happy now?

(SIGH) Roll the ruddy tape.

Woo! The classic
Hit or Miss sandwich.

Those of you who guessed "both"
are lucky enough

to win the coveted Car Crash TV
no-prize!

What's a no-prize you say?

If you have to ask,
you don't know,

but it's yours regardless.

Right, I know how it goes,

people put off learning to drive
for so long, they just give up

all hope and end up relying
on public transport.

And let me tell you,
dear viewers,

this is not the route
one wants to take.

It's awful, it smells,

and the people that operate them
are dreadful.

There I said it.

And not ones to back down
from our opinions,

these next clips are going
to demonstrate just that.

Now, first up we have
a wonderful example

of the temperament
of the bus driver.

He knew that cyclist was coming
and couldn't help himself

but lash out.

Thugs.

Fun fact.

Bus drivers and the U2 singer,
Bono, collectively own 96%

of the world's
wraparound sunglasses.

Now take a look at this.
All seems to be in order, right?

Everyone seems to be sticking
to the rules.

Even the bus annoyingly.

And if you think I'm going
to blame the innocent bus

for this carnage,
then you're damn right!

I remember the first time
I ever got on a bus.

I had the exact same reaction
as these people.

Yep, I'd rather jump in front
of a speeding car

than get back
on the dreaded thing.

It's the year 2067.

The Rolling Stones
are about to embark

on their 105th anniversary tour,

Charles still isn't
on the throne and Britain

is back in the European Union,
or did it ever leave?

But public transport is now
free for everyone!

And the bus drivers
are running out of things

to get really annoyed about.

In an effort to keep up
their rage

they've just turned
to outright acts of violence.

Watch as this bus rips off
a driver's front bumper

and does a runner.

Now, we've given busses
a good ole bashing

these last couple of clips.

So in the interests of balance
here is a clip of a tram.

Let's wave goodbye to our bus
and enter stage right,

the tram driver!

Glorious.

Now, we employ some of the best
in the business here on CCTV.

For the most part anyway.

Names shall not be named,
you know who you are!

The eagle eyed amongst the team
spotted something,

that amongst the clips
we trawled through

we may have uncovered
the most dangerous town

in Ukraine.

Yes, CTON.

It seems this town
is the most car crash prone

we have come across,

and they're not ashamed
to hide it!

Yep, buckle in folks as we take
a hellish tour

around the most dangerous town
in Ukraine!

To CTON

Yes, here we are folks, CTON.

Where the locals really do take
their lives

into their hands every day.

Just watch
as this defenseless red car

is almost swallowed
whole by this bus.

Not only is it the deadliest.

But the locals have bad tempers
to boot.

Just look at this act
of violence

as this car rear ends another
for no apparent reason.

Oh, it's hell out there.

Keep your wits about you
at all times.

If the road does not throw up
a challenge,

you can count on the locals
to make your life hell.

See.

Despicable!

This town has built up
such a reputation,

disaster tourists
from across the world

have started flocking here

to get a slice
of this ghastly action.

This driver was beginning
to think

he was in the wrong place,
until now.

This is the town
where the locals

face off on the streets
every day.

The average life expectancy
is a worrying 32 years old.

Many don't make it out alive.

Where actually is CTON,
I hear you ask?

Where in Ukraine is it?

Wesley, have a quick look
for me, will you, dear boy.

We should have covered
this already!

Look, ghastly place.

Well? Please, please tell me
you're [bleep] me.

It seems we have to make
an announcement.

I take back everything I said
about this crack team

of geniuses that we employ.

It seems that CTON
is not a place name

and it actually means STOP.

In Russian.

It's not a town
that has ever existed.

Any credibility I had is now
long gone.

No, don't wanna hear it.

I've had enough of all of you.
Wesley, get my coat.

Coming up later
on Car Crash TV...

We'll indulge in a spot
of Intersectional healing.

Investigate
the Scene of the Crime.

And the focus will switch
to my younger days

when we say
What A Lovely Rear You Had.

Before we deliver
on those tantalizing promises,

it's time to pander
to the psychics

among our audience
with a game we like to call

What Happens Next.

Don't do anything hasty
over the break,

you're going to want to be
around for this...

Welcome back,
Car Crash addicts.

Before the break,
I asked you to have

a little think about what was
about to happen

in this perfectly
tranquil street.

Let's see, shall we?

A woman hits a car
with a carrier bag.

Is that the best we've got
for What Happens Next?

Oh, wait,
looks like there's more.

Sweet Jesus!

That escalated quickly.

Oh, the old hair lock technique.

Hell, hath no fury

like a woman's zebra crossing
etiquette scorned.

Oh, here we go.

The blokes have arrived to steal
some of the limelight.

Typical.

I must admit this does makes
a change

from automobile accidents...
but ladies, really?

In public?

Have you no shame.

[sigh] As refreshing
as this has been,

I think it's time to return
to what we do best.

Cat Fight TV is a series
for another day.

Do you want subtitles for any video?
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Intersections are where
two roads cross.

Or where four roads meet.

I'm not really sure.

Damn it, I was hoping to open
this sequence

with an air of authority
and I've blown it already.

All I know is that it doesn't
get much more hazardous

than an intersection.

Here's some clips of people
who need

some intersectional healing.

Now, I don't know how much
our writers are getting paid,

but whatever it is,
it's too much.

We thought we'd start
with a clip from above,

so that some
of our more simple viewers

could really get their head
around the concept

of what an intersection is.

Nasty.

And just in case
some of our more simple viewers

missed it, let's rewind and play
that crash again

to give them another chance.

Okay, they've had their chance
time to move on.

Intersection ahead.

That must mean a crash
is on the way.

I mean, it's not the law
or anything,

but this is a section
about intersection crashes,

so unless you're simple,
it should be pretty obvious.

Ah, but the violence.

The sheer disregard
for right-of-way.

Now that is what's surprising.

And look, he's tried to escape
but he can't.

He's stuck.

I know the feeling my friend,
I know the feeling...

And speaking
of restraining orders,

there's a van driver
in this clip

who needs to be issued
with one...

by every other
human on this earth.

Seriously, this guy shouldn't be
allowed to go near anyone.

Ever.

Apart from the town planner
who designed

this four-way junction
with very little road markings.

Maybe we can make
an exception for him.

This one's for you, Paddy.
Let the junction see the jerk.

No green lighty,
insurance company delighty.

What a beautiful landscape.

All this needs is a moron
to come and screw things up.

Ah, perfection.

Entertainment in the form
of car crashes

is our game here at CCTV.

As I'm sure you're well aware
of by now.

We see a lot of clips here
that quite frankly

leave us shaken to the core,

with simply no room
for crass jokes.

Well, not that we can broadcast.

I joke, I joke.

Now for these clips in question,
we've decided to get

to the bottom
of these sinister smashes

and give something back
to the community.

Yes, we've hired the services
of retired private investigator,

Chip Kolowlski.

Now let's see here.

we got a van on the wrong side
of the road.

What is it with this place?

Okay, roll this back and let ole
Chip do the work.

Someone's gonna do the time.

Okay, so how did the driver
of the van end up

all the way over there?

A beautiful day like this
ain't no place for a smash-up,

sickening.

Boy he's going at some pace.

Oh, my, don't the folk
of this town

know the rules of the road!

This little fella in the box car
pulled out

like there was no tomorrow.

I will be informing the sheriff.

Oh, my, this here is quite
the commotion,

it's a dark day and we got
smoke coming from these crashes,

this does not look good.

Roll this back for me
and let me see what's gone down.

This sure is one
good-for-nothing day.

Okay, seems this driver
is in a bit of a hurry here.

But, folks, remember this
from ole Chip,

you wanna be late in life
than early to the grave,

I can tell you that!

Ah, look at that, lost control.

Well bless my colt,
boy, do we have a disaster

on our hands here.

Seems we have some fine heroes
in this bus,

running to the aid
of these sorry souls.

Fellas, I salute you.

Is ole Chip here seeing stars!

I ain't seen no stars
since my college days.

And they don't make no stars
like them anymore.

The next stars I saw
were the ones I earnt

for my country in Nam.

Sorry, I seem to have lost
my train of thought here.

Let's roll back one more time
and see what got these folks

in this mess
before chip busts this town.

Looks like these folks
are getting ready to celebrate

the holidays in this town.

What the...

I suspect this fella was under
the influence of something

as that was some crazy driving
if I ever saw it!

My god get me outta this town
and back to Nebraska.

Chip, over and out.

As a modern guy
I try to look after myself.

I eat a well-balanced diet
full of fruit and vegetables

and steer clear
of all fast-food restaurants.

I exercise regularly,
ride a bike to work,

and do yoga in the evenings
rather than rot my brain

with badly made television.

Well, I used to, but then I got
divorced and gave up on myself

so it's been a long time
since I've had a compliment

about my posterior, I'm afraid.

You know what, enough blame
doesn't get thrown at lorries

for the part they're playing
in the ongoing climate crisis.

Look, these roads are literally
littered with them.

On a similar thought,
here at Car Crash TV,

we don't dish enough abuse
to Skoda's

and reserve all of our ire
for the Lada.

I mean, yes Skoda have moved on
over the past 20 years

whereas Lada's have stood still
but I still wouldn't buy one.

And now,
for your viewing pleasure,

the man with the worst
reactions in the world.

Unless he's deaf and couldn't
hear his cars collision warning,

but for the sake of a rewrite
let's say he's not,

he's just hard of intellect,
not hard of hearing.

Of course, Christmas brings
peril on the road.

With everyone in a rush
to drive home for it,

accidents caused
by undertaking are riff.

I blame Chris Rea.

The driver of this red car
is so awful at driving.

He's cloned himself
and his vehicle

and has them follow
him around

to step in once he has
his inevitable accident.

I can't help but think
there's a better use

for cloning technology.

You know what, viewers,
all these bumps to the bum

have left me feeling
a little bit down.

Would you like a pick me up?

Yes, is there anything
more enjoyable

than seeing an Audi rear end
another car

and destroy its radiator.

Surely the most fun you can have
with your clothes on!

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