Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 17 - Episode #5.17 - full transcript

It's pedal to the metal to kick things off in Speed If You Wanna Go Faster, before we lock up another bunch of driver's behaving badly, firmly Behind Bars.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all,

there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV...

OK, who wrote this script?
It just says "Car Crashes."

Look, I know we don't pay
the writers a huge amount

but surely they can come up
with something better than this.

We have Grandeur.


And some of the best regular features

that some of the greatest
minds in television conjured up.

See it's not hard guys,
that was off the top of my head.

Try harder or next week,

I'm bringing the cattle prod
back, HR be damned!

I'm a big fan of getting
from A to B.

Who isn't, right?

But I like getting there
at the legal limit

without causing danger
to myself,

or anyone else for that matter.

But not everyone
shares this sentiment.

Yes the road is inhabited
by those drivers

that feel the need to drive
at the ruddy speed of sound.

Slam round corners faster
than a dodgy kebab

around the U bend
the morning after.

These next clips will show
what a menace to society

these speed freaks can be.

Keep an eye
on this first speeder.

It's a real,
blink and you'll miss it!

That sure is one way to lose
a front end,

and require brand new upholstery.

Live footage now,

of my mother-in-law
rushing to the scene

when she found out that someone,
somewhere was having fun.

If you go down
to the woods today,

you might just lose
a wing mirror.

Not exactly a big surprise but
certainly a big inconvenience.

When performing a U Turn,

keep an eye out for maniacs
traveling at high speeds.

Don't say you haven't been
warned now!

I've come to the conclusion

that people who travel
at high speed

are nothing but inconsiderate

Ah. Right, yeah.

Erm, well I guess it has to be
justified sometimes, right?

I've come to the conclusion
that the people speeding

are nothing more
than anarchist's hell bent

on causing chaos
and damaging infrastructure.

Look at that, trying to take
down the electricity network.

Get a job you hippy!

This final clip
packs quite the punch.

But it seems the people
of this town

have become completely numb
to this speed induced carnage.

Watch, just driving off
without a care in the world.

Driver! Have you no soul?

These are testing times.

There's a lot of crazy folk
out there

who should be in prison,

although unfortunately,
there's no room in our prisons.

But breathing space
is a privilege you earn

for being a good citizen.

No room in prisons? Good, I say.

Squash them up
like battery chickens.

That will make them learn
from their mistakes.

Here's detective Jock McSwingan

to help squish a few more
miscreants behind bars.

How ya doin lads and lassies?

Jock here...

Looks like we've got
ourselves a wee boy racer here.

Fan of speed are you, sonny?

Perfect, that's the currency
where you're going...

behind bars.

Like to cause a bit of a stink
do you?

You might change your mind
when there's no toilet paper

and everybody's watching you...

behind bars.

Think you're better
than everyone else, do you?

I wonder if that includes
Shanky Shaun,

the current top dog...

behind bars.

Like to bump into people I see?

You'd better hope you don't bump
into Slasher Sullivan,

who hides around corners...

behind bars.

It seems as if
you're all over the place.

That won't be an option when
you're trapped in your cage...

behind bars.

Like to smash into a wall,
do you?


That's your only option
for the next 25 years...

behind bars.

Got a bit of an aggressive side,
have you?

That's the only side
of your new best friends...

behind bars.

Here on Car Crash TV,
our heart belongs to the car,

the clues in the title
of the show.

But it would be remiss of us
to ignore the other vehicles

that take to the roads,

you know, the motorbikes,
the scooters, the Lada's.

But there is one type
of motorized contraption

that I have a particular
soft spot for dear viewers.

Yes, I love big vehicles
and I cannot lie!

Why Mr. Producer,

with this excavator
you are really spoiling us.

And this excavator
is really spoiling

the infrastructure of this town.

Although the residents don't
seem unduly bothered about it.

Sometimes, I really do wish
I could give the people

who record our clips
a bit of direction

so as to improve the footage
they capture.

This for example,

I'd love it
if they could adjust the camera

and give us a good shot
of the damage.

What's going on?
My god can they hear me?

This changes everything!

Hey, you, driver,

why not plough right
into the side of a mini-bus,

go on, give it a go.

Yes, I have the power!

Now, you,
driving that steamroller,

I don't know, just drive
erratically around this town

and make all the occupants
fear for their lives.

This is incredible.
I'm basically a superhero.

They'll write comic-books
and films about me,

I'm gonna be rich I tell you,
rich beyond my wildest dreams.

My god, I'm drunk with power.

Yes you sir, pull over
and expose your bare behind now.

Oh, um, yeah,
I've either lost my powers

or the previous few clips

were just a very fortunate coincidence.

How disappointing.

OK then, back to normality.

That bus drove
into the back of that car

who was scared of getting
his little feet wet.

I guess he didn't want to,
"Flood" his engine.

Er, back with the awful puns
as well,

talk about kicking a man
when he's down.

Coming up later on Car Crash TV.

We'll be Identifying Idiots.

Blaming Noah,
whatever the hell that means.

And throwing some rocks
in Vehicular Bowling.

But before you get to see
those cars hitting things,

allow us to hit you
with a question.

What happens next in this clip?

Or a related question,

What component is this car
currently getting repaired

in this garage?

Thinking caps on, people,
it's a good one.

Welcome back.

Before the adverts,
you were looking at this advert.

No, I can't read it either,

but I presume it's saying what
a good job this garage does.

Particularly with handbrakes.
That's what they specialize in.

Unfortunately, this handbrake
specialist garage

is built on an angle...
in a part of the world

where it's too hot
to keep the doors shut...

On top of a sloping hill...

Which is right next to a river.

But hey,

the cars that don't end up
at the bottom of the river

really get some
excellent handbrakes.

OK so, recently we received
a letter from the TDFP,

yes, that renowned public group
nobody has ever heard of,

the Truck Drivers For Pastries.

It seems these buttery devils
haven't been best pleased

with our depiction
of their members on the show.

But, to be frank,

we haven't said anything
out of turn or uncalled for,

simply stated our opinions!

It's a free country!

In a commitment
to freedom of speech,

we're going to carry on
and double down!

Wesley, keep an eye
on the windows.

The letter mentioned
they were watching us.

In an effort to make it
to the bakery in one piece,

the delivery drivers
for these eateries

have been disguising
their trucks

as other unsuspecting items
such as hygiene products.

Sadly, the truckers
have got wind of this.

The letter we received leveled
some pretty nasty insults

in my direction.

That's right, we're unleashing
Lada's on you.

Now the grubby document
also came with a threat.

Yeah, they sent us this video

and warned that if we keep
pedaling our opinion

on these buttery thugs,
this is what would happen.

Wesley, eyes on the window!
This is serious!

Right, this clip is yet another
example of--

What do you mean
they're outside?

No, don't let them in you fools!

Lock the doors...

Right, burn the scripts
and start writing a new one.


We at Car Crash TV are
on a mission to shine a light

on the treatment
of Truckers on the road.

Yes, without them, the economy
would grind to a halt.

Look at this poor thing.


They're becoming increasingly
subjected to vicious attacks

from members of the public
such as this.

An unprovoked
and brutal assault.

That's why here at CCTV,

we're launching our
Support the Truckers campaign.

To put an end to this brutality
and support our heroes.

Have they gone?

pass me the baseball bat,

we're going to have
to fight our way out.

Yes, on this show,
I may inform our viewers,

but I like to think of myself,
firstly, as an entertainer.

We've worked tirelessly
to make this show

as entertaining as possible!

Which brings me on
to our next package.

Identify the Idiot!

This has swiftly
become a fan favorite

and we've received many letters.

Geoff from Scunthorpe wrote

"Dear CCTV, your new feature
Identify The Idiot is great,

I haven't had this much fun
since my father's funeral.

Keep it up."
Thanks Geoff!

This one's for you!

OK, folks, round one,
vocal chords at the ready!

Looks like we have
two contenders

lining up for the prize!

But who's taking it home?


Is it the driver
we are on board with?

Or is it white van man?

Who's the person who takes
their cat for a walk,

the driver that puts up
no ball games signs

or the person who cooks fish
for lunch in the office,

yeah, the idiot!

Let's wind back
and crown our first winner.

Seems like this van
here has crossed

onto the wrong side of the road?

Ah, this is making sense now.

Yes, our idiot has been found.

White Van Man take your prize
and scurry off home,

you little terror! Idiot.

Next up we are taking
our contestants into the snow,

let's see which pratt turns up today.

Some strong contestants here,
folks but, remember,

idiots can appear from nowhere!

And in conditions like this,
they thrive!

Here we go!
Who's it going to be?

Big Truck?
Little Truck or gray gearbox?

That doesn't even work.

OK, folks, let's wind
this baby back

and crown our second ignoramus!

OK, looks like this one
is pretty clear to me.

Lights are on green...

Looks to me like our driver
has every right to carry on!

So that little trucker
shouldn't be there!

Folks we have found our IDIOT.

We're gonna crown our
penultimate idiot now, folks.

So eyes peeled and get ready
to bellow the insults.

Yes, here we go, God I love
this cathartic release.

I recommend you take part
in this

throughout the day,
it really does feel great.

Tire blowout!

Here comes
this crazy mother trucker!

Folks, responsible drivers know...

check your vehicle
before making a journey.

The truck driver can only blame
themselves here.

All together now...


Now, here we have it.
The showdown.

The final chapter.

Who's taking
this prestigious crown

and joining the swelling ranks
of knuckleheads, bozos,

graphics men, golf drivers,
vegans, gin enthusiasts

and people that eat quinoa.

Yes, the IDIOTS.

Let's wind back one more time
and take a good look.

Take it in folks.
Oh, a nice spot here.

Green means go.


Oh, looks like our little
orange friend here is an idiot.

That's it guys, thanks
for playing along at home.

Remember folks,
the idiots are out there.

Don't you think the world would
be a better place without wasps?

They're aggressive, selfish,
destructive little things.

Like most of the drivers
on this show.

Why the ruddy hell did Noah
think it was a good idea

to keep them alive?

Yadda-yadda ecosystem

They're evil, they can go.
The end.

In fact, there's a lotta species
I think we can all agree

the pre-flood patriarch should
have left to get torn asunder

by the big man's oceanic wrath.

Here's a few...

So, all you vegans think
it's cruel to farm cows right?

Well this is what we get
if we let them roam freely

and try to find their own food.

Yeah, yeah, car crash,
but what about the cow?

It's disappeared.
No, come back Daisy.

I can show you
where the fields are!

This one gives me goosebumps.

Who's written that?

Didn't honk loud enough.

I've been told to issue
a trigger warning

about this clip, as we think
it may rattle some viewers.

There has been a new wave
of hiss-teria

in the Coventry area as snakes
have been hiding in car bonnets.

Who's coming up with this dreck?

We're better than this.

What do you mean
you won't grass the writer up?

That it would make you a snake?

Oh, that's hilarious, yeah,
aren't you so funny.

Let's see what we've got down
for this one... problem,

particularly affected
the Hisssspanic community...

The animals have been
unusually Viperactive,

particularly when the radios
played Taylor Swift's

"Snake it Off'.

This is killing me.

I don't know why I boa.

What! Oh, that's it.

Even the script that mocks off
the main script

is in on this dross,
I'm out of here.

What do you mean you can
convince me to stick around

with a clip of a cute deer?

Oh, dear. And that's not a pun.

The animals in this clip
are just like me,

dead behind the eyes.

That's what five years
of living in a zoo,

or making Car Crash TV,
will do to you.

Wesley, you do know those
aren't real animals don't you,

have you taken
your medication today?

OK, folks, we are moving on

to what is quickly
becoming a fan favorite now.

Yes, it's vehicular bowling!

We've received
many letters praising

this ground-breaking package
and rightly so!

You do know that 57
of those letters

were off that same creep
from Chorley,

persistently asking Dustin for
tips on how to shine his balls?

Yes folks, I'm going to hand you
over now to our wonderful friend

from across the pond!

It's our very own, Dustin True!

Well, howdy folks,

great to be back here
on your wonderful shores.

Let's throw some rocks!

Now here we have
our first player,

Darrius Williamson
from the great plains of Kansas!

Quite the tactical approach
we have here

but how is he gonna finish?

Oh my,
that's quite the wipe out.

A real shame from a player
once at the top of the game.

Maybe lay off the Brisket!

Looks like we have
our first Gutterball!

OK, folks!

Next up on the lanes we have
young Tammy Lynne of Tennessee!

Can this country gal
keep her cool!

And, oh, my,

that's some mighty fine spin
action here if I ever saw it!

A fine Spare!

Now this young gal
is singing her victory

all the way home to Tennessee!

Now with these tough conditions
out here on the lanes today

I wonder can Jimmy Jefferson
of Orange County leave his mark.

Mighty fine spin here but sadly
that was a turn to far.


He's spinning all the way back
to orange county

faster than you can say well,
er, Orange county!

Now next up we have Chad Baker
from upstate New York.

He's been on fine form
this season

and recently acquired
sponsorship from Antos Autos,

where not all used car salesmen
are the same!

Oh, and it looks like
just by the skin of his teeth,

we have a Spare here.

Last but by no means least,

we got big mean
Mason of Minnesota.

A real brute of the game.

Oh my,
he is proving his worth there.

Let's just hope those charges
get dropped

and he can entertain us
for seasons to come.

That's all for now folks, remember,

keep those balls spinning!

Dustin over and out.

Well, folks, I'm afraid
this latest edition

of the vehicular spectacular
that is Car Crash TV,

has now come to an end.

As is the post-show tradition
round these parts,

my assistant Wesley
is mixing me up a Snowball

and bracing himself
to apply my fungal foot cream.