Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 16 - Episode #5.16 - full transcript

We shift our focus to weather related accidents and invite our drivers to Snow Me Where It Hurts before settling down for something highbrow, believe it or not, in Poetry Corner.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster.

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve into
this treasure trove of stupidity

on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all,
there's nothing like,

seeing the antics
of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

Still to come on the show,

more ridiculously
outrageous road-use

from all around the world including...

A nice little game
of Hit Or Miss

A nice bit of vigilante justice
in Behind Bars.

And in a curious gear change
from the production team,

something that's been given
the title, Poetry Corner.

This is one of Simon's
ideas, isn't it?

Fancies himself
as an intellectual, doesn't he.

OK, I'll let it stay in,
but Simon,

you can answer
the letters of complaint

when they no doubt
come flooding in.

Ah, snow,
I'm not sure where to start.

It's a lot like
my first marriage.

Wonderful at first,
everyone loves it...

then within days
it turns to [bleep]

and everyone is sorry
it happened in the first place.

But I don't have any regrets.
Nope, not one.

Yep. I'm fine.
Wesley fetch me my handkerchief.

This is a pretty
picturesque scene.

Snow covered chilly winters day,
winding roads.

Hey, this is actually
pretty soothing.

This is meant to be
car crash TV.

There's gonna be a crash right?
This isn't some relaxation show.

Hah, thank god for that.

Gray and dreary.
This is much more like it.

Now, lesser writers would be
making ham fisted gags

about white stuff
and illegal substances,

but it seems our team
has kicked the habit...

Really? Really!

Still, wonderful smash.

OK, folks.

Speedy here is gonna find out
very quickly

that this sort of behavior
on a snow covered road

is nothing more
than a spectator sport

for everyone else on the road.
Look at him go!

Now, although the snow may have
been cleared from the road,

it seems to still
have captivated this driver

into becoming an utter Pratt.

Wesley. Fetch my slippers.

All this snow footage
is giving me the chills.

Now, from my lofty seat
in this voiceover booth,

one can't help but think from
decisions these drivers make,

they deserve
to be judged severely.

Look at this. Red light!

And look at that,
judgment times five.

Finally some Karma on this show.

in this Eastern European town

they've decided to go
to extreme measures

to clear the snow away.

And it doesn't get much
more extreme

than attempting to cause
a petrol station explosion.

Ah, you've failed.

Though probably for the best,

I'd abort this whole sorry plan
if I were you,

I dread to think
what plan B might be.

Car Crash TV has fantastic support

from the people that matter,
our audience.

When episode 2 of this season
got our highest ratings ever,

it made me forget about
all the stuffy critics

who called us, "inane drivel",

"mindless nonsense" and lots of
other insults I can't remember.

Unfortunately, our producer's
a bit of a greedy git.

He's always first to appear
in the kitchen

when an email goes round
about cake,

and he wants to eat it too
by adding critical success

to our existing
audience approval.

So in an effort to win
over the hacks,

we've enlisted king of limerick,
Roel Carluccio,

to add an artful
flare to our car crashes.

Lean into the mic Roel,

and prove them that poetry
is still very much alive.

I thought I'd start
by telling you first,

that Lada's are quite clearly
the worst.

You were probably already aware,

It's a burden
we all have to bare.

Has this moron
been out on the whisky?

Who else would have
caused this 360?

No one was able to check
if his words were slurred,

because he snuck off
as if it had never occurred.

There's so much appeal
in a four-by-four,

you're just meant to look,
but some people want more.

Contact like this,
well in truth it's too far,

look what your urges
have done to this car.

There once was a man
called Harry,

who spent his life
being angry.

He's not very nice,
so he runs into bikes.

We're all hoping
he has a coronary.

Snow has fallen, all around us.

My researcher promises,
this one is fun.

Here's the idiot,
I just don't understand him.

Look at him with disgust,
please, everyone.

Tony was in a rush, he was
desperate to get past this bus.

Tony is a bit strange,

he got angry,
but he was to blame.

If the bus was mine,
I'd berate the swine.

And leave him stranded
on this chicane.

Everyone is a target,
out on our roads,

It makes no difference
if you own an Audi.

But if you think you're exempt
from being run into,

why not get out of your car
and get rowdy?

The driver's cargo
was lovely and round,

The kind of thing he hoped
would astound.

It went under a bridge,
too high by a smidge,

so it fell off
and smashed on the ground.

It is time now
for my final verse,

could this driving
possibly get worse?

Oh, yes it can,
but it's fine 'cause this man,

did not have to leave
in a hearse.

OK, what do we love?

Car crashes, right?

What else do we love?

Light hearted fun all the family
can get involved in.

Now hear me out,
what if we combine the two?

No, no, no, we aren't
going to run granny over.

It's time for everyone's
favorite game!

Hit or Miss!

And were off.

We've got a speedy approach here
through the lights.

Here we go!

What's it going to be
ladies and gents?

Are we going head first
into another driver's backside?

Steady on.

Are we going to hit the barrier?

Or is our driver going to show
some skills and pull off a miss?

Ah, a hit, framed by a
beautiful crisp blue winter sky.

Beauty and the beast.

Onto our second round now,

and the snow has thrown down
an added danger for our drivers.

Green light on the approach,

we're sticking to the book
here, no rash moves.

Right, here it is.

The challenge for our drivers
has been laid down.

What's it going to be,
a toe-to-toe hit?

A skillful miss
in these trying conditions?

Or is our driver going headfirst
into a pile of the white stuff?

Place your bets!

Oh, and by the skin
of the teeth, that was a hit!

Third times the charm now

for anyone down on their luck
in today's game.

Quite the turning we have here,

it's going to take some control
to stay in the game.

Are we heading for a side
on smash-up?

Off road and into the gutter,

were frankly most
of these drivers belong?

Or is it going to be
a miss pulled off

with some minor skills?

Place your bets, folks!

Oh, and it looks

as if we have our first miss
of the game today!

Well done all,
you live to drive another day.

OK, onto our final clip now.

This sunlight can throw up
quite a challenge

to even
the most skilled drivers.

Let's see how our players
handle this one.

Looks like we have a harsh break
at the last minute!

Will we hit the car in front?

Hit the central reservation?

Or receive a bonus bump
up the bum?

Huzzah, bonus bump,
a lovely little twist to end on.

Thanks for playing along
at home

see you next time
on Hit Or Miss!

Me and my assistant
young Wesley here,

had quite the journey
this morning, didn't we?

I was sitting comfortably
in my Prius,

reversing into a parking bay
when by some twist of fate,

I managed to reverse
into a wall.

I did ask Wesley to guide me in
but the boy is useless.

Yep, reversing can be
the nemesis of many a driver,

we're going to take a look
at some clips now

to see if our drivers
have what it takes to...

back it up.

Easing ourselves in
with a classic now.

Look, this one is even
attracting some spectators.

Like a fine wine,

this sort of stuff
never gets old.

Taking things at a slow pace,
with extra caution.

Still isn't enough
for some people.

We need to start informing authorities

and ridding the roads
of these drivers.

That's a great idea
for a package.

Wesley! Write that down.

I have been informed
that we already have a package

that does that very task

and I should pay more attention
to my job.

Is that enough humility for you?
Oh, what a marvelous clip.

Great work team.

Now my dear viewers,

in this clip, I am led
to believe that it demonstrates

what shocking things can happen

when some shades
of orange are left unchecked.

A bit like our friends
across the pond.

The tangerine terror.

Now this one is a bit blink
and you've missed it, all over.

Hey, it happens
to the best of 'em, guys!

Was there any need?

Yes, only our eagle eyed viewers

and those creeps
that send the letters in

would have seen that one.

Let's take another look.

Yes, there it is.

Is this day? Is it night?

Why does everything
look so strange?


Have you been messing
with my tea again?

Day or night, slight crash
but we got there in the end.

Look, we get it.

It's hard to perform
when you have an audience,

you do silly things like this.

I should know!

What do you mean I should know,

I am a trained professional
in this field

and won't be treated
in this manner.

We really are
on thin ice here team.

First the smut, now this.

Coming up later
on Car Crash TV.

We'll be Braking Up The Rear.

Breaking up the fights
Behind Bars.

And that git of a writer
is gonna try and trip me up

with something called
Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry.

Ha! I did it, jokes on you.

Now all that is on its way
for you to consume.

But before that,

we have the innovative
and original feature

that you all know and love.

OK, seems a bit lawless
on this road,

but with all these scooters around,

can you "Hazard" a guess
as to what happens next?

Welcome back
to Southeast Asia, folks!

Now, if it wasn't enough,
this wazzock was on the phone.

It seems like his scooter
had other ideas,

at least it was looking out
for him.

And if you predicted that,

it seems you have crossed
a road in Vietnam

and lived to tell the tale.

Does size matter?

That's something
my assistant Wesley asks me

every single day and the answer
is always the same.

Of course it does.

There's a reason
why your Tinder hookups

never get past the first date.

The world's trying to tell you
something, I'm afraid.

Big is best, except,
maybe on the roads...

And from something slow
to something fast,

too fast in fact.

And that ladies and gentlemen

is why the stopping distances
section of your highway code

is worth reading and
annual eye tests are encouraged.

Up ahead
we have an elderly truck.

How can I tell from
this distance I hear you cry?

Well, we've all been there,

in the living room
at the Grandparents

trying to pretend
we can't smell it.

Someone crack the window.

The Lorry likes to think of
itself as the king of the road,

so when another big beast
wanders onto its patch,

it doesn't take kindly
to the intrusion.

You now Wesley, when I read
the description for this clip,

I assumed you were back
on the sauce again,

so I apologize for jumping
to conclusions.

That is indeed a Lorry taking on
a Combine Harvester,

you can have
your 30 day chip back.

Supermarkets want our cash
so badly

they've started trialing
mobile shops.

The theory's sound,

but I'm not really sure
they've fully considered

the health and safety implications

of making iced fingers
as readily available as this.

Look, I know traffic is a pain
but trucks have feelings too.

He was trying to get out
of your way, you impatient git,

I don't blame it
for lashing out.

Onboard again with the driver
of our previous clip

who's splashed out
on a rear dash cam too.

Looks like the lorry
hasn't forgotten,

and the driver has clearly seen
Spielberg's Duel

one too many times.

Here's the thing,
trucks are big, cars are small

and that begs the question,

what were you thinking
getting yourself

into a pushing contest
with one of them?

There was only
gonna be one winner here.

A bit like that time
in high school

when I was at the urinal
next to Big Dave.

Always go for the cubicle.

Over the years,

we've shown you many clips
of a truck losing a wheel

but never a truck
losing two wheels

so let's remedy that right now.

Wesley, breakout the
sparkling wine and volovants,

tonight we celebrate!

Here on CCTV,

we come across many clips
that although amusing,

amount to nothing
more than illegal driving.

And as honest citizens,

we've taken it upon ourselves
to try and rid the road

of these ragamuffins
and send them on a nice trip,

courtesy of Her Majesty.

To administer
this serum of justice,

we have acquired the services
of retired police sergeant,

Jock McSwingan.
A Glasgow native.

So in between shoveling down
deep-fried goods,

which frankly should never have
seen a fryer in the first place,

he will be delivering justice
and sending these drivers,

behind bars.

Alright lads and lassies,
Jock here.

Looks like we got a bit
of a boy racer on our hands.

Your heart will be racing
when you see your cellmate,

behind bars.

Look, I can spot this stuff
a mile off.

Give them an inch
and they will take a yard.

Big Pete in cell H has a saying
similar to that.

Maybe he will teach it to you
when you're...

behind bars.

Seems this wee fella is late
for the boardroom meeting.

Well pal, you ain't gonna be
meeting anyone anytime soon.

I hear they all love a man
in a suit...

behind bars.

Everyone is in a rush
these days.

Get a load of this driver.

Well this guy just fast tracked himself...

behind bars.

Well bless my Irn Bru.

This guy thinks
he's the boss of the road.

Well I've got news for you.

There'll be a bigger boss
in your cell...

behind bars.

You should always keep an eye
out for idiots like this.

Handy tip for this driver too,

especially in the bathroom
as you're going...

behind bars.

Traveling at quite the speed
here, eh!

Well, hold my haggis,

I'm throwing this one away myself...

behind bars.

Seems like we have a fan
of tight spaces here.

There's quite a few of them
on the inside.

Good job as there's not much
room in a cell...

behind bars.

This driver is joining
a long list of people

who are going away for messing
about with white powder...

behind bars.

You know what, I've had
enough of these bottle heads.

Send both of these drivers away...

behind bars.

OK folks, now we know
from this show

that out there on the roads,
it's like the new frontier,

the wild west.

Chaos for the most part.

You need eyes
in the back of your head.

No literally.

I can cast iron guarantee that
when you're out on the roads,

at some point, another driver
will slam into your back end

like there's no tomorrow.

OK, first up.

Now, this minibus driver

is trying to put something back
into the community.

Driving around
the disadvantaged.

But these good deeds
don't sit well with some people.

Blue, I might have known.

It's a thinly veiled dig
at the Tory party,

that's right,
I'm getting political.

Oh, that's a bit of a height,
isn't it?

It's making me feel sick.

Nearly as sick as I felt
when I found out

our head of accounts
was romantically involved

with the series producer.

She could do so much better
than him.

I'm pretty good at this now.

And I know
that approaching lights

and a junction
at this sort of speed,

never ends well.

But with good reason.

I suspect this is the sort
of driver

to shout at ambulance crew
for parking near their driveway.

What is it with white vans
this morning.

And this ongoing game
of rear end smashing.


At least this town
is kind enough

to warn drivers
of its bizarre customs.

Beware of small children
carrying tomatoes on a stick.

This picturesque rural setting,
in the sleepy town of Srock.

It's the perfect backdrop
for a great rear end smash?

And a delightful
grand designs project,

double bubble.

The last thing you want
to smash into on the roads

is the back
of a cement mixer.

That really would be one
stiff ending.

You really are playing fast
and loose with the job title,

scriptwriter, aren't you?