Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Episode #5.15 - full transcript

We kick things off by taking a look at some car crashes through The Eye In The Sky, before once more getting all judgmental on out drivers by Identifying The Idiot.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Every day more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[brakes screeching]

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams all around

the world constantly recording
our behaviour on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude of
jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.
To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured just about

every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

Investigate the Scene
of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

Afterall, there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember on
all the clips,

yes that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV.

Have a guess?

And don't be obtuse Of course,
there's going to be Car Crashes,

lashings of them.

And the usual collection of
nonsense geared to

keep you glued to the screen
for the duration.

You want specifics?

Well I've not watched the thing
so you tell me.

You know the deal, you do
the prep and I rock up vaguely

hungover and we power through
until it's time to break out

the celebratory bucket
of chicken.

So let's crack on,

there's a greasy thigh
with my name on it!


If you're thinking about

acting like an idiot behind
the wheel, just remember.

There's a high chance you're
going to be caught on camera.

If not a dash cam, then CCTV.

And if you are caught on CCTV,
there's a high chance

we will get hold of the footage
and show the world

how much of a wally you are.

[dramatic music playing]

Do you ever think bollards
are like those annoying people

that are constantly just
there under your skin?

No? Think about it.

They're the kind of folk
who always just get in the way.

You try to subtly retreat out of
a social situation

without anyone noticing
and bang-

they've turned it
into a whole thing.

They're the type of people

that are really difficult to
shake off.

And if you don't manage
to shake them,

you come to
the sickening realisation

that you're going to be stuck
with them forever.

[dramatic music playing]

What's better than two cars
crashing into each other?

Three cars crashing
into each other.

And what's better than three?

These morons beat me
to my punchline.

Everyone's trying to crack
the driverless car.

Google, Elon Musk and it's
probably only a matter of time

before Amazon and Apple throw
their hats in the ring.

Well I've got news for you guys,
you don't need to bother.

Believe it or not the Ukraine
have got their first.

Yeah, this is downtown Kiev's
very own Silicon Valley

where their testing out
the fruits of their labour.

And as you can see, as with all
driverless car technology,

it's going really well.

Definitely no bugs to
iron out here...

Perfectly safe.
Place your orders now.

Can I have my check now
please Sergei.

Vans themselves might yearn
for a better life,

but van drivers have much more
simple ambitions.


Like getting to the bakery

before all the sausage
rolls sell out.

We're talking non-vegan ones, obviously.

Hence the rush.

Sorry, don't take that
the wrong way.

I'm not anti-vegan.

These pair are both vegans, and
they're very much not to blame

for the carnage in this clip.

Watch as they look on
in sympathy

for the injured parties.

And take a picture to add to
their instant feed.

A bit of excitement to break up
all the pictures of kale.


And so we come to
my favourite item in the show.

I mean I spend most of this hour
judging people

so I enjoy it all,
but in this item,

I really get to double down on
my general disregard

for those motorists
who's ability behind

the wheel is seriously lacking.

Let's identify the idiot!

Early idiocy in this clip

and we're having to grind to
a halt fast.

Two potential pilchards in our
midst but who's worthy of having

something big and pointy aimed
in their general direction?

Well if we wind back just a tad,
you'll see that neither lane is

a Bus Lane which would have been
the only factor that

might have spared
the red cars blushes.

So I guess that makes him
an Idiot.

[dramatic music playing]

I've been pretty kind to
you thus far

so let's mix things up
with a tricky one.

Not very clear is it, the lack
of an Idiot is almost unnerving.

Has the world finally
stopped going mad?

Let's run the fun and find out.

Mmmmm still none the wiser
really, how about you?

I think
I need to see that again.

Ah yes, it was the black car

who inexplicably swerved
into oncoming traffic.


Now up ahead we have
a trio of potential idiots,

all apparently inexplicably
drawn to

the middle lane of
this motorway.

I mean if they aren't Idiots
they're definitely pensioners.

What is it with Senior Citizens

and the middle lane of
a motorway,

do they get more fibre
for staying in it or something?

Sorry I digress.

Let's run the clip and prove
what I already know.


Yep, they are all Idiots,
three pointy things please.

[horn honking]

Plus, if they are all pensioners
those pointy things

might hopefully help
their constipation too.


The road is inhabited
by all manner of drivers,

driving all manner of vehicles.

Some good, some well,
not so good.

The van driver ranks pretty high
on the drivers to avoid list.

For all manner of reasons

but mainly because
they are bloody awful.

Nobody of sound mind has ever
openly wanted a van,

it's no kids dream car is it?

[soft music playing]

For years vans
were the go to vehicle

for all your delivery needs.

But bikes have recently got in
on the food delivery action

and the vans aren't happy.

Not about the competition,
it's the fact that

the cyclist is delivering
a vegan meal, oh the humanity.

I can't help but think that
the sun shouldn't be that big.

But hey, global warming is
a myth right?

Yep, here comes a van.

To ruin this marvelous day in
a cloud of smoke.

Now for health reasons this van
driver wanted to remove

some excess, erm bodywork.

That's certainly one extreme
way to go about it.

I'd recommend seeing
a specialist though.

Now if self-mutilation wasn't
enough for van drivers.

They've taken it upon themselves
to dish out this sort of

behaviour on to other drivers.

Shocking stuff.

Van on van action now,

when they aren't slamming
into other drivers

and making general life
on the road hell for everyone

they're dishing it
out on each other.

Which I must admit is
much nicer to see.


Coming up later on Car Crash TV.

Will we see a Star Light
Car Fight?

You never know.

And will a pedestrian be hit
by a car?

What do you think! But first...

It seems old Bob

the Builder here is getting
himself in a spot of bother.

But pray tell What Happens Next?


Welcome back.

Now, before the break
we saw Bob the Builder

and he's not doing too well.

[soft music playing]

Ever since his wife left him
for a combine harvester

he's been on a bit of a rampage.

Oh dear.


By now you should have realised
that out there on the roads

it's nothing short of a warzone.

And at night things
don't get any better,

in fact they get worse.

Darkness seems to bring out
a special breed of driver that

will think nothing of bombing it
down the wrong side of the road

with no lights on,
and probably texting on a mobile

and blaming everyone else
on the road when chaos erupts.

[dramatic music playing]

Now our first clip
here demonstrates

the kind of maniac that
graces the roads at night.

Not only is it after dark
and the road covered in water.

This guy's driving like
he has had 12 pints!

This is making me queasy,
Wesley, fetch me some water!

Rolling it back to 2012 now!

Yes, those were the days
when we thought the world was

about to end but still it
was a kinder place.

But not on the roads!

Yep, this driver just got
a nice wakeup call

at the expense of
a front bumper.

Swings and roundabouts.

Want to know the best way to
lose a bumper in half a second.

Yep, leave the house at night
and let the idiots do the work.

My well documented feud
with that coward Clive

flared up again this week.

When he pulled this fast one
on me.

Yes, we can all see you
sneaking off.

I know where you live Clive!

There's a firmly held
belief that

Audi drivers think they own
the road.

But is that belief accurate?


Hopefully this clip helped you
draw your own conclusions.

When we learn to drive now
I use the word learn in

a very vague manner
as judging from what I see

on this show many people
haven't the foggiest idea

what they're doing behind
the wheel.

Anyway, we are taught to
make careful

and calculated decisions
with plenty of time.

Not like this.

This driver is a weapons
grade idiot.

Night time.
And a snow covered road.

This really is the perfect storm.

More so than the time
when I forgot my wife's birthday

and referred to her as Wesley.
That was a tough few weeks.

Perfect storm for a night time
driver to earn their stripes.

Folks, just stay inside
when the sun goes down.

And never forget
your wife's birthday.


I'm constantly blown away
by 21st century technologies

Hidden cameras to check that
your cleaner is doing her job.

Hairy tights to
stave off perverts.

And phone apps to book a taxi
and then complain

about your driver, all without
having to open your mouth.

Let's have a peruse of some of
those complaints right now.

Here are my favourite reviews
from the week.

Sheila was unimpressed with

the speeds at which CasualAl-24
took the highway

"I told him from the off that
I was not in a rush to get to

my father in law's
birthday party.

I don't even like the guy.

I don't know if there was
a language barrier or what,

but Al clearly has a problem
with barriers in general."


"He did give me a free trip
to the hospital though

so it's not all bad."

Karen thought HaveAPhil98
shouldn't be out on the roads.

"I noticed quite early
on that Phil was sat on

an Orthopedic Bum Ring.

I don't know what's gone
on there, but if you have

an ailment that's distracting
enough to warrant such

an embarrassing healing
cushion, then I'm sorry,

but you shouldn't
be driving people around."

Dan would think twice before
taking another journey

with PromiscuChris14

"He spent the whole time looking
at his watch.

I thought I was boring him.
Turns out it was a smart watch

and he was using it
for directions."

"Shame it's not smart enough to
show where other cars are."

Samantha didn't rate
Jerry Nice To Meet You

"I asked him to put
his foot down,

and as if to make a point he...

"Well, let's just say he'll
be hearing from my lawyers,

who are great at passive
aggression too."

There's no other way of
saying it,

Hannah didn't like TophamHatt45

"He spent the whole time
going on about

how he wished
he was a train driver,

which as his taxi passenger,
left me feeling very unwanted.

He didn't ask
a single thing about me."

Dom booked Drive Hard
Or DriveHome20 to get

away from an awkward date.
"The date stunk,"

Dom wrote, "but not nearly as
badly as the inside of that car.

I couldn't tell if the rotten
egg was squashed under the seat

or inside my driver's bowel,

but I can tell you that
it's a 1-star rating from me."


This business of laughing
endlessly at destruction

and cursed metal takes its toll.

But not on young Wesley here!

Why are you rocking
back and forth?

Just kidding folks!

Sometimes, we come across
some clips at CCTV HQ

that just leave us
with a sour taste in the mouth,

and with a driving need
to uncover the culprits.

In order to pull this off
we've enlisted the help of

retired private investigator
Chip Kolowlski.

All the way from across
the pond.

Yes, that wondrous place
called America.

[dramatic music playing]

Looks like someone has taken
a bad smash to the head,

a couple of brain cells gone
a miss,

a little like our fella
in the oval office.

Just how did these
folks end up like this,

if there's foul play involved
you can be sure

I'll get to the bottom of it.
Let's take a look.

Now just where are these

Looks like this fella ran
a red light.

Well he ain't running no more.


Show this punk the slammer.

Looks like we have had a bit of
a bust up on this here highway.

This town seems to be crawling

with folk hell bent
on causing chaos.

Roll back the clock and let's
see how we got in this mess.

Okay here we go.


Good lord!

The speed this fella is
a racing at,

I ain't never seen such
a death wish!

This sure is one crazy ass town,
that's for sure.

Okay, this job takes its toll on
the soul.

I'm just gonna take a look
at one more then you can bet

your last dime, Chip is busting
this town for good.

These folks sure got sandwiched
in good here,

ain't no sandwich
you wanna be in either.

Let me wind this back
one last time.

Even these quite folks of
this suburban town

gotta keep an eye out,


there's a dark grip over
the place

and I sure as hell
am getting outta here.

This punks on the wrong side of
the road!

He oughta know better.

Okay I've seen enough of
this place.

Show this knucklehead the clink

and don't ever call me back to
this town again.

Chip signing off.



What I've come to realise over
the last couple of months

is that people are rubbish.

And it's no coincidence that
my last couple of months

have been spent in the Car Crash
TV production office.

Just today, our graphics man
opened a banana,

changed his mind, and put it
back in the fruit bowl

with a token bit of clingfilm
tied round the top.

People are rubbish.

If you don't believe me,
have a watch of this.

[soft music playing]

You might have noticed that
a lot of our dash cam footage

comes from Russia
and Eastern Europe.

That's because in lots of
those areas,

dash cams are
a legal requirement.

And that's because
so many people try their luck

with false insurance claims.

Remember, people are rubbish.

Something tells me that this
bozo has heard about these

insurance fraud schemes
on the grapevine.

I don't exactly know what
a grapevine is in this context,

or in any context to be honest.

But I do know that if this guy
hopes to make a career out of

this then he needs to try
a lot harder.

Nice little flashback to my days
as a career advisor there,

which reminds me, Wesley, have
you thought about re-training?

And speaking of speed,

here's a man who likes to
live life in the fast lane.

You know, when he should be
on the pavement.

Or in his house.
Or in solitary confinement.

What is he doing?

Who does he think he is?

Lucky for him it was a bike,

not a lorry that put him
in his place.

That place being the floor!

You join us now
for the Pedestrian Gymnastics.

First up we have
the floor routine.

Ok so good air achieved but
lacked any sort of finesse.

And it seems the judges
agreed with me,

a solid if unspectacular score.

Next up we have the competitor
from Belarus, let's hope

she has something a little more
extravagant up here sleeve.

Is that it?

I mean, the landing into pike
was faultless

but that can't be the entire
routine, can it?

The judges can't even be
bothered to score it,

says it all.

Ok, let's hope our final
competitor can redeem

the sport and our researcher.

Oh they can,

glorious forward roll into
standing position across water.

This is pedestrian gymnastics!

But what say the judges?

Graphics man Andy,

stop trying to make yourself
look intellectual

by watching political debates
and whip me up a 10!

The woman in this clip has
clearly realised

what I told you before
that all people are rubbish.

But to compensate for this

she has mastered a lovely
little side step.

Wait, wait, I thought we'd moved
on from pedestrian Olympics!

Now, I'm not a religious person
however I respect those of you

who have a belief
in a higher power.

But even I know there's a time
and a place in which to say

a little pray to the big man

and it's not in the middle of
the road.

[horn honking]

Now move along before
a different higher power,

that I do believe in,
pops you in a prison cell.

This segment needs to ends
with a nice satisfying clip of

a pedestrian getting squashed.

Could have been worse,

could have been holding
up a partially opened banana

with a sweaty bit of
clingfilm round the top,

rather than her middle finger.

No, I'm not holding a grudge...

That was intense wasn't it?

I tip my hat to
the production team this week,

you really pulled it
out of the bag,

well everyone except
Simon who's ill thought out

Poetry Corner section has
thankfully gone

but will never,
ever be forgotten, unlike Simon.