Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 14 - Episode #5.14 - full transcript

We take a break from all things wheel related and observe the antics of some Pedestrians before once again spending a couple of relaxing minutes being all judgmental in Identify The Idiot.

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[man] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster!

With thousands and thousands of
dash cams all around the world

constantly recording our
behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.
To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured



just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve into
this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

Investigate the Scene
of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Still to come on yet another outrageous



episode of Car Crash TV.

We'll find out if cars
are for squares.

Hope not, would ruin our show!

Get rid of cars completely
and focus on the Pedestrians.

And hopefully we'll feature
some actual cars

otherwise the production
team are being dangerously

cavalier with the format.

That's a lot to cram in
I must say,

you sure you're up
to this Wesley?

Even my lunch order
was beyond you yesterday

and the less said about
the dogs dinner

you made of
my ironing the better.

Remind me what I pay you again?
Is that it?

Well, I suppose you get
what you pay for.

That would also explain the
incompetence of our producer.

The problem isn't cars people,
it's people.

People!

Just imagine what a safer place
our roads would be

if you took people out
of the equation.

As proof of how hazardous
the lone human can be,

here's a selection of clips
of pedestrians

getting all up
in car drivers' grills.

Like literally.

The thing about zebra crossings,

is that they mean slightly
different things

depending on
which country you're in.

Over in Gdansk, the law
is particularly blurry.

Like this guy's vision will be
for several weeks to come.

Hmm, where's our lethal human
in this clip?

Could it be this lady?
What about this pair?

Hmm, this is a tricky!

Ah! A newbie!

Welcome to the mean
streets of moronicness.

May the odds be ever
in your favour.

That's it, pick up your Fanta.

Other Fizzy drinks brands
are available.

But morons drink Fanta.
Just so you know.

Is it just me, or is it getting
crazier out there?

Life as a pedestrian
is a turbulent, uncertain one.

Sometimes, if one feels like
crossing the road,

they just have to throw
themselves out there

and hope for the best.

And where 'the best' means
'not getting run over',

this sorry state of affairs
is cause for celebration.

The pedestrian in this clip
had a promising career

on the Belgorod ladies
football team.

Now, she has a promising
possibility that she might

regain feeling in her right foot
by the time she's this age.

If she attends a physiotherapy
session every day ending in 'Y'.

And speaking of 'Y's,
here's a few.

Why would you leave beautiful
shoes in the middle of the road?

Why would you risk
a low-lit-leak with bare feet?

And for the Driver, why would
you not just go around him,

or parp your horn at him.

Honestly, this situation could
be easily resolved

and you're making
a meal out of it.

And speaking of making
a meal out of it.

Ah, the old zebra crossing
confusion again. It's a killer.

Do you ever find yourselves
forever wanting to berate

the television more and more.

Do the scenes on your screen
make you want to scream

from the rooftops?
Yes I hear you cry?!

Well, we have the antidote
for you!

Yes, it's time for us to play,
Identify The Idiot!

The rules are simple,
we show you a clip

where one of the drivers
is a prat of the highest order,

and in fine voice
we all humiliate

them in front of the nation.
Win win!

Right, here comes
the money shot.

But just who is about to join
the ranks of oat milk drinkers,

real ale snobs and cyclists.

Yes, the idiots.

Let's wind this baby back,
keep our eyes peeled

and voices ready.

Okay, eyes peeled folks.

Remember idiots
can come from anywhere.

Okay, everyone is driving
by the book here for once.

And he's finally emerged,

overtaking
and smashing into a turning car.

Folks we have found our Idiot.

Ah, that feels good doesn't?
Here's another!

Crossroads here folks,
regular viewers will know

it's a perilous place.

Our idiotic Avengers
have assembled.

But which of our drivers
is in the wrong here.

Let's wind back
and take a closer look.

Our eagle-eyed viewers
will have noticed

the traffic lights
opposite are red,

therefore, the traffic coming
from the left has priority.

So our driver in the white car,
you my friend are an idiot.

Okay, so we got snow
and busses here.

Plenty of room for idiots
to make their mark.

Let's take a look.

I guess the bus is out
of the picture,

but one driver is going to find
themselves on the business end

of some vocal viewers.
Let's wind back and see who.

Our driver is avoiding those
buses like the plague,

and rightly so.

Anyone who wears wraparound
sunglasses all year round

and shouts at children is to be
avoided at all costs.

Oh!

And just like that we have
a surprise idiot joining us!

Overtaking on the wrong side,
into an oncoming car.

I bet this driver was on his
way to see Coldplay.

Because he is an idiot.

First off, some of our regular
eagle eyed viewers

may have noticed
the Damien of the road.

Yes, the Lada.

This is bad news
for all drivers around.

Okay, one of these drivers
is about to be outed

as a flat earther.
But who?

Let's wind this tape back
and find out.

Okay, so keep an eye out.

No bus drivers or builders
to shout at in this clip.

Blindly overtaking,
on the wrong side of the road

and smashing into this
helpless turning car!

Are you a flat earther? Well,
you certainly are an idiot!

Okay. Either of these cars is
up for grabs as the idiot here.

It's 50-50 as to who.

We're going out
on a bang here folks.

Now on the approach take a look
at the indication

on both of the cars.

One going left
and one going right.

Oh, my! We've got a double idiot
pile up here!

Idiots.
See you next time folks!!

Ah, the white stuff,
love it or loathe it,

it's really fun at first
but then ruins everything.

Speaking from experience here.

Yeah, I was there in the 90s
when it was crazy

we haven't had a winter
like it since.

This next collection of clips
just goes to show

what havok snow
causes to drivers.

Now, I know it is said to have
magical properties

but just watch as this biker
disappears from view.

Only to show up again on the
other side in a bit of a state.

Every country has their own gift
giving traditions at Christmas.

But in this eastern
European country.

A disgruntled trucker bombs
it down roads throwing

bundles of gifts as he passes.
How festive.

When pitching ideas
for new Specsavers adverts

there were a couple
of particular shocking ideas

which didn't make the final cut.

I can't possibly see why,
that's tame for us!

I was thinking the other day
why do cars in the distance

appear larger the closer they
get. And then it hit me.

Thanks, I'm here all week!

Now I know when the conditions
are like this,

you really, really don't
want to miss the last bus home.

But for goodness sake don't get
yourself run over.

This is natural selection
in action here folks.

This week
the Car Crash TV offices

received a high-profile
letter of complaint.

They came
from the PR representatives

of the unmissable car brand
that is Lada.

Apparently we have placed far
too much emphasis throughout

the series on the negative
aspects of this mega brand.

And so, for the sake of balance,
our executives have advised

we run a feature which
celebrates the positive aspects

of the Lada,
this should be interesting.

Look at this.
A beautiful Lada.

That deep, luscious green
is reminiscent of so many

of the good things in life.

They're also of little value
that drivers

are happy to risk
changing their mind

in the middle of a busy road.

The Lada, helping you stay
impulsive since 1963.

Lada's are ambitious.

Take a look at the manoeuvre
this one tries to perform.

And remember what we all try
and teach our children,

ambition is a good thing.

The Lada likes to think
of itself as a bit of

a maverick so prefers
to work alone.

Yes, I'm afraid if there
is a fault in these little cars

it's that they don't work too
well with other Lada's,

or anyone else for that matter.

Lada's have been the subject
of a lot of abuse over the years

but they keep ploughing
on regardless.

Ploughing in the case
of this specimen

being the operative word.

Even when they're not front
and centre,

Lada's are always there, like
a reliable warm teddy bear.

Only hard, cold and angular.

Yeah, regardless
of involvement they make

their mark on the scene
of a crash, and your retina's.

Look at it,
burns right into them.

Coming up later on
Car Crash TV.

We'll hand over to some of
the bigger beasts on the roads.

Head stateside
to throw some rocks

and enjoy a spot
of Vehicular Bowling.

And then end with a nice little
sit down as we back Into It.

Now we may have all that metal
crunching goodess on the way,

but just before that we have
one more thing for you.

Just two white vans going about
their daily business

causing no issues to nobody,
what a refreshing change.

But this is CCTV and the game
can change in an instant!

So pray tell What Happens Next!

Welcome back to Car Crash TV,

before we sent you off to
make the most of those 5 minutes

in the most rewarding
way possible, ahem,

we left you with these two vans
going about their day.

It was always going to
end this way,

the signs were there
all along folks.

Yeah, sorry,
I'll show myself out.

We get about our daily lives
causing no trouble to nobody,

for the most part.

But unfortunately we have
to share the roads

with those drivers of other,
let's say, modes of transport.

Yes, the busses, bikes,
big rigs and bulldozers.

There's something
to be said that a driver

who feels the need to drive
an enormous vehicle is making up

for lacking in other
departments, like, say empathy,

and manners on the road!

Or they just simply like to
(BLEEP) all over everyone else!

I'm sorry I've had enough!
Roll the clips!

Now in this first clip just take
a look at the lunacy on show.

I'm not sure what he had taken
to get it up,

but this driver
was having some trouble

getting it back down again.

That looks painful,
remember if symptoms persist.

The inimitable arrogance of the
trucker on display now folks.

I have it on good authority
that the Trucker lashed out

upon finding that
the boulangerie had closed

and he could get no more
baked goods.

Do not come between a trucker
and his baked goods,

this driver got off lightly.

Bit of a brain teaser in this
clip for you my dear viewers.

Can you spot our prat
in this clip?

It's like a where's wally
but for really bad drivers.

Where's wa-- Nevermind.

Let's wind back
in case you missed it.

Yes, it was the white van,
showing who's boss ey geeza.

And also, single-handedly
managed to freeze

all these pedestrians. Impressive.

Now, I'm all for supporting
rural communities,

very noble traditions
and all that.

But one thing I'm not prepared
to do is go head-first

into a combine
harvester on an A road.

Put the scrumpy down, man,
you're not on the farm anymore!

I admire anyone's strong
commitment to their jobs.

I mean, I'm committed to mine.
Yes, I am!

But I can't help but feel
this delivery driver

has gone a step too far.

Sorry you weren't home,

but we went to the effort
to track you down,

ram into the back of you
and deliver your parcel.

Please don't forget
to rate our service.

We like to educate as well as
entertain on this show,

and it seems our message may
just be getting through.

This driver knows, that a safe
distance needs to be kept.

As drivers like this are bound
to make mistakes like this.

Idiot.

It seems just straight-up smash
ups isn't enough

for you people these days.

Like car crash gannets you want
more, more, more.

We've knocked our heads together
quite literally sometimes.

And come up
with the next segment.

Yes, folks, we've stretched
the budget to fly over

real life American bowling
commentator, Dustin True!

It's time for Vehicular bowling!

Handing you over to Dustin.

Folks.
Let's throw some rocks!

Okay, here's our first player,
Jackson Smithfield of Wyoming.

Wobbly approach
here from Jackson.

And, oh! Folks, we have our
first gutterball.

You've not done the great bison
state proud here son.

Next up we have
Mrs. Shelly Smotherdale

from the little town
of Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

She's calling everyone's bluff
today look at her go, strike!

Quick-fire here now!

It seems young Carlton here

was too hasty off
the mark, gutterball.

He's heading back
to Cherry Creek, Nevada,

with nothing more than
a lousy sticker.

Better luck next time son.

Okay, now speeding down
the lane we got Bob Thornton

of Fort Dodge Iowa.

Boy, that was textbook, strike!

He's heading back to the Hawkeye
state with head held high.

Next up we got veteran bowler
Bob Brisket of Bowling Rock,

North Carolina.

Is there life in this
old boy just yet?

A true gentleman of the game
in every sense,

this man knows
how to polish his balls.

Let's see his form out
on the lanes, ssssstrike!

A true masterclass in the game
right here, folks.

Our final clip now
and Waylon Jennings

here ain't messing around.

A fine spare
from the Florida sportsman.

That's all we have time
for today, folks.

Remember,
keep those rocks polished!

Dustin over and out!

Isacc Newton once said,
what goes up must come down,

this theory also comes into play
in its own version for the road.

Yeah, what goes forward
must come back!

And boy, does it cause havoc.

Yes, some people lose all sense
of responsibility,

and most of the time
basic bodily functions,

hit reverse
and hope for the best.

It usually leads to some pretty
spectacular results,

for us that is!
Feast your eyes on these!

When you are taught to drive,

well, I use the word taught
in the loosest sense of the word

when talking about the people
on this show,

you're told to keep a safe
distance from other drivers.

Because, on the road,
nobody can be trusted.

They make idiotic moves
like this.

I mean it's only a van driver
capable of such lunacy, right?

The Audi driver,
the king of the boardroom,

precise, methodical
and awful on the road.

There's a reason
they have a bad name.

New driver alert now,
yeah, all the signs are there.

One, Corsa, a classic.

Two, petrified of traffic
and big roads.

And three, well,
by doing things like that.

Provincial towns offer no safety
to the driver trying to escape

the idiocy of those we have
to suffer the road with.

Watch as this white van driver

pulls off a spectacular
own goal.

Yeah, that's right we saw that.

Moving on to something with
a bit more energy now!

They aren't all like
this, are they?

Wait, are all these clips people
reversing into one another?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, erm, what terrible drivers!

Why's there no script?

What do you mean you
had nothing, it's your job?

Wow, what a smash!

Think of something!

They say if you give a group
of chimps a typewriter

and enough time
they'll eventually write

the complete works
of Shakespeare.

There's a zoo around the corner
so think on you idiots!

Our final clip in this piece
now, and not a moment sooner.

The mind can but ponder
as to what is shrink wrapped

on that trailer.

But anyway, I bet this car is
going to reverse into another.

Yep. Whatever.
Where are you going?