Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Episode #5.10 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[man] Every day,

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]


Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've found a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.


[dogs barking]

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

- To the downright dangerous.
- [crashes]

Those wonderful little cameras

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the scene of the crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show, no one,

and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

[theme music playing]

Still to come on yet

another thrilling episode
of Car Crash TV,

there are idiots
to be identified,

camera's to be caught on.

And we turn this program into
a gameshow called Hit Or Miss,

because apparently
someone on the production team

likes to think of themselves
as "creative".

You want to be creative,

how about you create me up a
cappuccino, and a pan au raisin,

perhaps some freshly
squeezed OJ, yeah...

And maybe a wife,
or just someone

who might be willing to spend
a few hours with me

and make me feel like they care.

To be honest,
even a cat would do the trick,

or some sort of rodent.

God, I'm lonely!

In an ideal world, we'd all
just drive in a straight line.

Road traffic accidents
would be minimized,

insurance premiums
would go down,

and we'd all be safer
on the roads.

this isn't an ideal world,

so junctions are a thing,
which means I have a career.



What fresh hell is this?

I suffer from vertigo,

and there was nothing
in my contract about us

featuring CCTV footage mounted
at this sort of height.

I'll power through,
because I'm a professional.

Okay, folks, get ready for the
world's worst police officer.

He's in hot pursuit of this
Lada, but can't catch it.

He also can't drive.

And it appears
he can't see either.

I'm all for equal opportunities,

but this is political
correctness gone mad.

[siren wailing]

That's better,

a conventional dashcam,
as God intended.

And a conventional crash
as our broadcaster intended.

I don't want to bang on
about it,

but that first clip
was seriously off point.

Check out the architecture
on both sides of the road.

Talk about uniform.

I guess the buildings
were designed

to stop motorists
and pedestrians

from becoming distracted,

but if anything,
it's had the opposite effect.

Transfixed by the blandness.

Look, these two can't even move.

[upbeat music playing]

Now that's a sharp bit
of braking,

I wonder what caused
such quick reactions.

Ah, I see he's the spy catcher.

Remind me again,
how much do we pay the writers?

I'm lost,
what's this one called again,

junction jackasses?

Junction. Jackass. Onwards.

When at a junction,

it's important to wait
for the road you wish to join

to be clear before
you join the carriageway.

Unless you're from Osiek.

Where apparently,
they drink... a lot.


The guy in the green car

has just purchased
that fine set of dining chairs,

and he can't wait to get them
home and try them out.

A little too eager though,
my friend.

Look what you did.

However, it seems that nothing
is going to stop him

from having a nice
little sit down.

He's doing a hit and run.

Or a run and sit if you like.

I thank you.

We started this little section
with a Lada,

so for the sake of balance,
let's end with one too.

A little up yours there
for that journalist

who claimed we just throw
this show together.

You know who you are.

Does yelling at the TV

give you that
sweet, sweet cathartic release?

Well, have we got
the game for you.

Yes, it's time for us
to all get involved

in a wonderful round
of Identify the Idiot.

The rules are simple,
we play a clip

and everyone at home
embraces their inner Trump

and releases a barrage
of profanities to the screen

at the idiot causing the smash.

Okay, so clip one,
we are off.

Some treacherous conditions
already on the ground here,

oiling up the action ready
for our idiot to take the crown.

Now, one of these drivers

is about to join the ranks
of the flat-Earthers

and the people who clap
when a plane lands.

Let's find out who.

So steady approach
by our driver.

This is a pretty clear indicator
that going any further

really may not be a good idea.



We have our first idiot.

Okay, so I get that sometimes
people have a bad day,

maybe their mind is elsewhere
on great thoughts like,

what it would it be like
if toddlers could drive.

But don't let this distract you
from the rules of the road.

The turn-in junction, a classic.

Okay, so who's our berk,
who hasn't been paying attention

and is about to be berated
by the nation?

Let's wind this back
and take a look.

Now, overtaking doesn't
usually end well on this show,

so we could be off
to a shaky start here.

Granted a little late,

but an indication
is an indication.

Looks like we have our... idiot.

Okay, quickfire now.

Here we go.

Collision in-bound,
but who's our dolt here?

Green means go, yes?

So, the traffic on
the other side of the junction

shouldn't be turning.


Altogether now...

Onto our final clip now,

I trust that sweet
cathartic feeling

has begun to fill you with joy.

So, we have two drivers
up against it here,

but one of them quite frankly
is an idiot.

Now, I for one know
to take care when joining

what looks to be
a pretty substantial slip road.

Whereas this taxi driver, unsurprisingly,

is lacking in said logic
and brain cells.

One last time, Idiot.


Regular viewers to this program

will know that there is
one particular car

that pops up in our clips
time and time again.

And before you write to OFCOM,

I assure you
this is purely a coincidence

and not a case
of undue prominence.

Believe me, we've tried
to cut them out of the show,

but it seems they are just
drawn to danger

and danger
is drawn to them.

Anyone who's ever been
to Blackpool knows

that the illuminations
are a bit of a draw.

Yep, believe it or not,
there's a real rush to see

what essentially is a collection
of neon lights

thrown up
either side of a main road.

This guy couldn't wait
to catch a glimpse.

Look at him, oh,
he's devastated.

Yes, it's as good as it gets.

Here we have a Lada
sporting the classic

"only one functioning
rear light" look

that's been its calling card
for many years.

Though I think
the faulty rear light

just became the least
of his worries.

Thing is, if you've been foolish
enough to purchase a Lada,

you deserve everything
you get.

It's no good trying
to put it out of its misery,

or you for that matter.

They might be rubbish

but they're also
annoyingly robust.

Here we have
another classic Lada look,

"sitting slap bang in the middle
of the road so no one can pass".

This is new though, braking
hard in the outside lane.

Oh, I see, we're in Gilead,

and this particular Lada

is being driven by
a couple of Commanders

hunting down a group Handmaids.

I appreciate you might not have
seen the Handmaid's Tale,

but surely you have to have
a vague grasp of popular culture

to produce this show.

In certain parts of the world,

the Lada epidemic
is out of control

with motorists living in fear
of these metallic beasts.

And as for Biker's,

often they consider it safer
to just self-harm

than share the road
with the horrible little things.

That's it guys, solidarity,

don't let it know
it's beaten you.

Is it me, or do van drivers
always seem to be in a rush?

I mean, I know it's not me,
I was being polite.

Trying to make you feel involved.

Just be glad
you weren't involved

in any of these
van-related incidents.

Van drivers think
they're all powerful,

the kings of the road
if you like.

But, like all vehicles
they have one Achilles Heel.

Yes, the Lada is king.

I bet that stung,

realizing you're lower
on the food chain than a Lada.

See, now you're just overcompensating.

He's on your side.

Stop it, okay?

They may have stopped making
the ruddy things in 2017,

but there's millions
of them out there.

If you've watched this show
for even five minutes,

you'll have realized that.

The van's will not prevail!

Finally, it's sinking in.

That's right, just stick
to van-on-van action for now.

Of course, it's not just Ladas

the van drivers
have an issue with.

It's also anyone who looks like
they might come between them

and some fast food.

Even the faintest
whiff of a cheeseburger

can cause them to lash out.

What fresh insanity is this?

The man crossing the road was
holding a meat and potato pasty.

please refrain

from eating your disgusting
baked goods in the open.

Okay, it's good,
we're back on track,

no more mention of Ladas,

this is a van sequence
after all.

Hang about, was that a Lada van?

Did Lada even make a van?

When will my torment end?

Okay, now there's a note
on the script here

to make a joke about

van driver
on van driver action.

Ah! Who's written this?

Because I also did
that gag three clips ago.

Urgh, I totally get
how this guy feels.

Desperate to escape.

Break free of those
who are holding him back.

Seize the day.

Good for you, sir.

Coming up next on Car Crash TV.

A different kind of CCTV.

A familiar game of hit or miss.

And the complete randomness

that comes from trying
to predict the weather.

Now before all that chassis
smashing fun,

we've got that little feature
that keeps on giving.

It's what happens next?

Oh, I know,
we're too good to you.

Now, any ideas
where this is going?

It's something rarely
caught on camera...

Welcome back.

Now, before the break,
we left you at this junction,

where something truly magical
is about to happen.

It is said that
the bumper chooses the car,

but this act is rarely
witnessed until now.

Would you look at that.

That bumper has chosen
a new owner,

and off it goes to its new life
on the front of that BMW.

Like it or not,
our every waking moment

is captured by some camera
or another.

Which is great news for our
crash loving team here.

I mean, I'm not sure what else
we could send them out to do.

All they're good
at is watching crashes,

they even struggle
with that sometimes.

But I digress, yes,

the wonderful closed-circuit
television camera,

may your monumental foul ups
never go unnoticed.

Is your garden
growing out of control?

Don't have the tools
to prune it?

Why not get an angry neighbor
to drive through it for free?

Job done.

The girls on Karen's hen party

got a little more
than they bargained for

with the firemen they booked
as a surprise for her.

I'm all for making an entrance,

but come on, lads,
that was extreme.

Ah, yes, this one was submitted
by yours truly

in my ongoing saga
with that coward Clive.

Just look what he did to my car.

Granted that took some skill,
which is hard for me to admit.

But I had the last laugh
when I let down his tires.

Have a "good year" Clive!

Have a good year, Clive!

Look right, I'm just as much
an optimist as the next person,


Keep trying and all that...

But for God's sake,

some people need to know
when to give up.

This really is painful to watch.

Yeah, that's right,
we all saw you.

[upbeat music playing]

You can run,
but you can't drive.

My mother-in-law is
a real sucker for the next sale,

always on the hunt
for a bargain,

and Boxing Day
is her big one.

But ambushing the delivery van
in the dead of night

to get the best pick
is a step too far, and illegal.

Seek help, Molly.

And now, it's time to turn
all of this violence

into some light-hearted fun.

It's still just as violent,
but with a jovial voice over,

who'd know the difference?

It's time for you to guess...

Hit or Miss!

And they're off.

Instantly it's clear
which two champions

are going head-to-head here.

Will they smash each other
like Duracell bunnies?

Smash into each other
and us too?

Or manage to walk away
without any incident at all?


It was always going to be a hit.

But, hey,
right next to the beach,

let's celebrate over
a Mr. Whippy.

Our next round takes place

on the hallowed ground
of the roundabout...

and we've got our bets
on the guy

with the mouse mascot.

But how is he going to fare
against the Vauxhall?

Will it be a hit?

A pile up with this bus?

Or a majestic miss?

Let's find out.

A playful little hit.

Nothing to write home
from hospital about,

but still enough to get
a little squeak out of mousey.

The underdog
whose roof we are under

is currently undergoing
an undertaking maneuver,

has he undercooked it?

Is he about to have his
undercoat scoured?

Or am I underestimating
his underlying control

and understanding
of his undercarriage?

Under the bonnet
of all that waffle

is the simple question,
hit or miss?

A miss.

How underwhelming.

Our final round now.

Is this nifty little motor
going to hit...

this wagon? This tree?

Us? This house?
Or nothing?

It's a hit, with some mightily
impressive damage too.

Never let it be said we don't
deliver a grand finale.

And, as the big onion said
to the little onion,

that's shallot.

Be careful out there,
folks, and if not,

make sure your dash cam
is rolling at least.

Whether the weather be fine,
and whether the driver be not,

whether the weather be cold,
and whether the driver be hot,

we'll weather the weather,
show the driver's not clever,

whether he likes it or not.

If you were driving
a 10-tonne truck in the rain,

you'd drive cautiously, right?

If you had a trailer attached
to the back,

you'd drive even
more cautiously, right?

No? Just me then.

A news update now.

The local council
are currently piloting

a new 'remote control
bin' initiative,

to tackle the issue
of tower block residents

lacking the energy
to carry their rubbish

down to the communal bins.

Residents are now able
to remotely move the bins

underneath their windows.

Unfortunately, the scheme
is considered a failure

as all of the residents
have been too lazy

to read the instructions
on the controllers.

Did you know that rain

can increase a car's stopping
distance by up to eight times?


Well, you'd better believe it,
or you'll turn into this guy.

But hey, at least the car
he's just shunted

is providing that little science
lesson for him, look at it go!

Have you ever noticed
the similarities

between rain and wasps?

They both bring
nothing good to society,

they both leave you a little bit
wetter after an encounter,

and they both make
truck drivers do this.

We'd be better off without them.

Er, sorry, viewers,
give me a second,

my producer is talking
to me in my ear.

What do you mean we can't say

rain brings nothing good
to society?

Yeah, I'm aware it keeps
our plants alive, it was a joke.

Rain doesn't have feelings,

it's not gonna take offence
and write in.

But if it does,
let me know please.

[tires screeching]


At least I can give a piece
of my mind to this guy.

You disgust me.

Sometimes I worry that
I'm too harsh on our drivers.

Everyone's allowed
to make a mistake

once in a while after all.

So, for once I'm going to give
the driver in a clip

the benefit of the doubt.

He's driving slowly, sensibly,
wisely and...

No, can't do it, that is
appalling driving, end of.

Low light, reduced vision.

Low IQ, reduced precision.

Who came up with this garbage?

That's not an IQ issue.
That's ignorant driving.

And ignorant writing...

Our final clip now,

and what better way to end
a section of the show,

or a night out,
than a generous helping

of everyone's favorite
white powder.


Here it comes.

Everyone can go home happy.

[theme music playing]