Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Episode #2.9 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day, more and more

road users are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

(flames bursting)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard-mounted cameras are constantly

recording our behavior on the roads.

(horn honking)

From the bizarre to the ridiculous,

the funny to the downright dangerous,

the thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

(horse calling)

Now, we're going to delve into this

treasure trove of stupidity on the roads,

put things right by pointing
the finger of blame,

replay the action to see
what really happened.

And, of course, there's nothing
like seeing other people's

mistakes, when it comes to
helping us become better drivers.

And, please, remember, on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show, no one,

and that means no one, is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(tires screeching)

(glass breaking)

(upbeat music)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more calamities and catastrophes from

the roads of Russia and Eastern Europe.

(horn honking)

(vehicles crashing)

That, had they happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the following

contraventions of our
beloved highway code.

(truck sliding)

Article 162, before overtaking, you should

make sure the road ahead
is sufficiently clear.

(vehicles crashing)

Article 117, in normal circumstances,

the safest way to break is
to do so early and lightly.

(vehicles crashing)

Article 144, you must
not drive dangerously.

(horn honking)

(vehicles crashing)

You must not drive without
due care and attention.

(glass breaking)

You must not drive without reasonable

consideration for other road users.

(horn honking)

I think adopting the
practices of Article 144

could make a big difference
to these drivers.

However, it would also make
a big difference to our show.

I'll keep that to myself.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

(upbeat music)

Ah, the life of a biker on the open road.

(horn honking)

(vehicles crashing)

Wind whipping through your luscious locks

as a beautiful passenger
wraps their arms around you.

Leather jackets and cool boots.

The road is your slave.

Then, you take those two wheels

and stick them in gridlock traffic.

Or, throw in a couple of
ignorant motorists and it's

less Born to Be Wild and
more Born Under a Bad Sign.

This is Motorcycle Madness.

Filtering through cars at a
standstill is a simple process.

Just keep your balance, focus
on your spacial awareness

and then, casually plow
headfirst into a wally

that didn't know that vehicles
with two wheels even exist.

He seems about as apologetic

as Donald Trump at a Mexican barbecue.

Here darling, I'll give you
a ride home on my motorbike.

Nah, it's safe, babe.

Here, you can wear the helmet.


What do you mean you
don't want a second date?

I gave you the ruddy helmet, didn't I?

What has four legs, a death wish,

insurmountable luck and
can fly like a bird?

These two wallies on this moped.

(horns honking)

(vehicles crashing)

Run, Forest, Run!

David, I don't think
you should drive today.

It's still too soon since
you father was crushed

by that freak acrobatic
motorcycle troop at the circus.

It's fine, Mum.

I'm fine, I swear.

I'm totally over it.

(tires screeching)

Well, at least he headed
down to his therapist

pretty sharpish, once
he realized he wasn't.

(horn honking)

There's nothing like going out for a ride

on your new Harley with
your wife on the back.

But, then, sometimes your old lady doesn't

feel safe on the bike, so she insists on

driving the car and
following behind instead.

Well, on the plus side,
at least you can bring

that cool box full of
beers in the boot, plus the

camping gear, in case you
decide to stay overnight.

And, she can carry the
loose change to pay the toll

for you both, because you
know how much of a nightmare

it is to get your wallet out
when you have you leathers on.

Shake it out, my man.

It's all good.

It's gonna be a perfect...

(vehicles crashing)

And, so ended a beautiful,
30-year marriage.

Speaking of relationships,
this young lad has just

been sent a text by his
girlfriend to say that

her parents are out and
nothing will stand in his way.

(vehicles crashing)

Ah, that must be her
mum and dad in that car.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

Quincy, Ironside, Kojack, Father Dowling?

Yes, believe it or not, there was

a priest who moonlighted as a detective.

And, we extend an invite to
you, dear viewer, to do some

moonlighting of your own
as we attempt to unravel a

motoring mystery through another
Crash Scene Investigation.

Time to ponder this motoring mystery.

A lamp post has been
knocked from its perch

and lies prone on the tarmac.

But, which of these suspicious vehicles

is responsible for this
tragic turn of events?

Is it A, that rather large, orange lorry

trying not to be noticed?

B, that white car seemingly
making a quick getaway?

Or, is it option C, the red SUV
whose path has been blocked?

Choose wisely and let's
see if you're right.

(lorry beeping)

(lamp post crashing)

"Who loves ya, baby?"

Kojack reference.

As your parents.

It was option A, the large, orange lorry

who was doing its best to
sneak away from the scene.

Right, sleuthing complete,
I'm off to take confession.

A detective priest.

What will they think of next?

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

The fable of the Tortoise and the Hare

is an integral lesson
to help kids understand

the importance of taking their time.

It appears, however, that
a huge number of adults

need for speed outweighs their
love of children's stories.

And, we find ourselves, once
again, waving a large, red flag

in the face of Speeders.

As the Batmobile races
through a dark Gotham night

to the scene of a crime, Batman
misjudges his traction beam,

narrowly missing another car

and plowing into the side of the road.

Batman now has 12 points
on his Bat-license.

Who says you can't pull
across two lanes of traffic

into the fast lane from a side road?

(vehicles crashing)

Ah, that guy.

Ironically, if this chap was
going as fast as the other one,

he'd probably have made it across.

More haste, more speed, chum.

Okay, Mr. Anderson, now,
at the next junction,

I would like you to wildly swerve around

the idiot pulling blindly into this lane

and then plow into the
central reservation.

Nicely done.

Next maneuver, reverse parking.

Listen, you speed freaks,
if you try and overtake me

on the road, I'll ensure
you disappear completely.

(vehicles crashing)

(tires screeching)

Eat foliage, sucker.

As my beloved wife often reminds me,

just because it's small,
it doesn't mean you can

just haphazardly try and
squeeze it in anywhere.

Because, someone is
still going to get hurt

and that someone is you.

Nice bonnet, mate.

Will he, won't he?

The jeopardy.

He will!

No wait, he won't!

(tires screeching)

Probably the right decision, dumb-dumb.

And finally, this man has a
hunger that needs feeding fast.

Only his favorite foot-long,
spicy chicken, cheese,

lettuce, pickles and
chipotle, mayo sub will do.

Unfortunately, this is the only

sandwich he'll be enjoying today.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

Coming up on Car Crash TV,
a shunt from the front,

a bump in the back.

And, a treat for all you
dog lovers out there,

a delightful Pomeranian.

But, first, it's time
for you to do some work

while I put my feet up
and pose the question,

what happens next?

Somebody get me a chai latte.

(tires screeching)

(glass breaking)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier, I posed the
question, what happens next?

Okay, dash cam footage,

large piles of snow at
the side of the road.

So far, so Car Crash TV.

Ah, classic misdirection.

Not a crash in sight as this pedestrian

slips on the ice and bumps her bottom.

That's right, walk off nonchalantly

and pretend nothing happened.

We saw you.

(tires screeching)

(dramatic music)

How many times have you heard
the phrase, it's behind you?

I've watched enough scary
movies in my lifetime

to know that the danger is
always lurking from the rear.

That's why I wish I had
eyes in the back of my head.

But, for these next drivers, it seems they

haven't even got eyes in
the front of their head.

Causing scenes that would be familiar

in any bad, low-budget horror movie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we
present, it's behind you.

I'm not sure whether this first clip

looks like something out of a horror film.

It's more like a bad Christmas panto.

Trust me, I've been in enough of those.

It's behind you.

(vehicles crashing)

But sadly, thanks to my agent,

my panto days are not yet behind me.

Isn't it annoying when it's a hot day

and your air conditioning isn't working?

What are you meant to do?

(glass breaking)

That's right, hire this guy.

What a lovely breeze.

Thanks, Mr. Rear-ender.

(upbeat music)

In most fairly tale
stories, it's always the

big, ugly sisters who
bully the main protagonist.

And, on the roads, it's no different.

(vehicles crashing)

Looks like Cinderella won't
be going to the ball tonight.

And now, a scene from the musical, Cats,

where Mr. Mistoffelees
uses his canine reflexes

to execute a perfect emergency stop.

(vehicles crashing)

Oh, my mistake.

Sorry, that was a scene from Bagpuss,

Soppy, old cat.

All this talk about being on the stage

and I'd forgotten that we are on the road.

Remind me, what do the red lights

at the back of the car mean again?

Is it go or stop?

Ah, yes, stop, definitely stop.

Sightseeing is a dangerous business.

One minute, you're stopped
in the middle of a bridge,

looking at a couple of
ducks getting it on.

Next minute, you're being
rudely quashed into from behind.

A little duck joke there, almost.

You ever read the Kama Boot-ra?

Don't you mean Kama Sutra?

Nope, Kama Boot-ra,
exotic positions for cars.

And finally, when I'm not on stage,

I like to do a little tarot card reading.

This looks like the high sun
card on the endless horizon.

Yes, this means that you will feel

the radiant light of
heaven upon your face.

And then, shortly afterwards,
meet a tall, dark stranger.

Not such a great card for everyone.

(tires screeching)

Not everything in life has to be

a colossal calamity that derails your day.

But, also those small irritations

that can be equally annoying.

For example, mosquitoes,
ingrown hairs and Jimmy Krankie.

Yes, our next segment looks at just that,

the small smashes that
don't break the bank,

but do create a whopping
pain in the backside,

just like an ingrown hair.

This is tiny dings.

Nothing worse than
nipping down to your local

for a swift half and getting involved

in the world's slowest head-on collision.


(cars bumping)

Oh, it wasn't actually that bad.

People often say that workmen are lazy.

Standing behind a hole in the
road drinking tea all day.

Poppy cock, I say.

Look how focused this bloke
is on getting to work on time.

Move, peasants.

Those roads aren't
gonna repair themselves.

He's dug himself into a real whole there.

If you need to chat to your best mate

but you're mobile phone is out of battery,

just arrange to meet them in
the middle of a busy junction.

(vehicles crashing)

Park up nice and close
and wind the windows down.

All right, Marnie.

How have you been, love?

Long time no see.

In the right corner, a white four-door

pulling onto a main road.

In the left corner, a
silver car in a hurry.

Round one, ding ding.

(vehicles crashing)


Nothing worse than picking
the wrong route home

and getting stuck in a
long line of traffic.

If you insist on pulling a U-turn,

just make sure there's no oncoming traffic

and then execute a smooth
turn into the other lane.

Wait, seriously?

They say that most small-road accidents

happen within one mile of a person's home.

(vehicles crashing)

That's why Santa Claus has such
terrible insurance premiums.

All that snow blocking his view.

Should have taken the sleigh, mate.

I'm a man who likes to know that

when he buys something, it works properly.

Indicators, check, accelerator,
check, air bag, check.

And finally, when you pass your test,

the instructor always reminds
you to use your indicators,

check your mirrors and stay
within the road markings.

All useful advice if you can see

the blooming road markings, that is.

Back to the test center for you, fella.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

(upbeat music)

In this world, you can't have
humans without human error.

(tires screeching)

But, when it comes to
car crashes, working out

which human made the error
is sometimes hard to do.

So, here on Car Crash TV,

we like to get you to do it for us.

You're about to see a batch of buffoons

in a calamity of crazy crashes.

But, can you point the finger

of blame in the right direction?

Get ready, because here
comes the blame game.

Here we go.

Already, our competitors
are keen to get going.

Crikey, Mary, this is an absolute

slobber-knocker to kick us off.

But, who's to blame?

Is it Speedy Gonzales,
here, flying down the

hard shoulder to beat the
jam and get his guacamole?

Or, is it Papa Smurf performing

a Smurf turn where he shouldn't?

Sorry, Speedy, it's all on you.

And here we are in watery Venice.

But, in this spaghetti
junction, who's to blame?

The mahogany minivan?

Actually, it's probably more taupe.

Or, this white wally?

Well, we're currently
sitting at a red light,

so the white car should have stopped, too.

You're to blame, you gondolier.

(vehicles crashing)

And finally, there's
no road markings here.

This is absolute madness.

But, who gets the final blame of the game?

Yes, the gray car is at fault
here, for pulling across

a line of oncoming traffic
without checking it's clear.

But, what hope does he
have when the other car is

the same color as the sky and
the road is totally blank?


(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

The world is full of creative souls

eager to spread their art to the world.

Some use the primal hammer and chisel.

Some use ingredients for gastronomy.

Others take up the brush,
utilize their voices,

or dance their way into art history.

Not his lot, though.

They create art with cars and
by ignoring lane markings.

Are they truly artisans,
though, if most of their final

product looks like two grand's
worth of mechanic fees?

Of course.

Behold, the art of overtaking.

The most important lesson an artist learns

is that you can't force creativity.

You have to await true inspiration.

It's all about pulling out your

canvas when the time is right.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

And, voila, a genius is born.

Take a bow, please, take a bow.

Modern art should be surprising.

Here's a perfect example of a
creative surprise in action.

See how the viewer takes time to

appreciate the art from all angles.

Really, that traveling backwards at

55 mph angle, (speaking
in a foreign language).

Blossoming talents sometimes need to take

drastic measures to make an impact

against huge, established counterparts.

(tires screeching)

Take that, establishment.

And, today, the small
artist wins the battle.

Collaboration can be key
between like-minded artists.

And, when two styles collide,

the outcome can be truly inspiring.

I call this style clash desconstructivism.

So 2017.

Great art is about risk taking.

It's never safe to
strike out from the norm,

but does that bravery pay off?

(vehicles crashing)

Hmm, not always.

Van Gogh had to sacrifice an ear, mate.

Count yourself lucky.

Perhaps poetry is more your style.

I wondered lonely as a cloud
and overtook it's speed.

(vehicles crashing)

A random car turned from the shroud.

A tow truck I shall need.

I thank you.

So, ultimately, a true
artist understands that

his or her work will be seen
differently by everyone.

It's all about the subjective viewpoint.

And, from this car's subjective viewpoint.

(vehicles crashing)

You'd better have a pretty good

insurance policy, you utter dumpty.

Everyone's a critic.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

Some people find driving in a

straight line enough of a challenge.

(vehicles crashing)

But, as soon as you through
a junction in there,

everything goes to hell.

There are the drivers who are physically

unable to see any other car on the road.

Drivers who don't understand
distance or speed.

And, of course, drivers who
are just monumental berks,

like this berk.

(vehicles crashing)

So, turn on your hazard lights and join me

for a quick slice through
the archives as we

witness some idiotically
incorrect intersections.

Listen, I'm no eco-warrior,
but this is unacceptable.

Some sicko has cut the
heads off all these trees

and made them wear weird, white trousers.

What next?

Killer whales on stilts,
pandas in a tumble dryer?


I think, once in a while, we
should all forget our cars

and get up close with Mother Nature.

Yes, that's a little too close.

In fact, you've run her over.

Well done.

Now, here's something
that really gets my goat,

an oversized vehicle driving
on an unsuitable road,

which is why I called the weight police.

Ah ha, yes, take that.

That juggernaut is safely off the road

and nestled in the house of
the local satellite dish order.

Great work, boys.

Fancy watching some Dutch action?

We all confuse our left
and right, sometimes.

Which, is why I lost my job
as an air-traffic controller.

But, this guy seems to
be doing it on purpose.

He's also not wearing a shirt,

another reason I lost my job
as an air-traffic controller.

Imagine if Elton John had been put

in charge of designing the space shuttle.

Well, you don't need to,
because he has and there it is.

I say, he is a rocket man, after all.

If there's one way police can discourage

youngsters from illegal drift racing,

it's to do it in a
butterscotch Volvo Estate.

(vehicle crashing)

That's, literally, the
un-coolest thing I've ever seen.

No, wait, hang on.

Putting tangerine and chocolate
bows on your windscreen

wipers, that's the un-coolest
thing I've ever seen.

People say there's more
than one way to skin a cat.

I'm not sure who these people are

or why they're skinning
cats in the first place.

(vehicles crashing)

But, there's definitely only one way

to drive down a one-way
street and it isn't this way.

Anyway, if you know a way to skin a cat,

please don't write in and tell us.

But, for now, that's your
incorrect intersections.

(upbeat music)