Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,
which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorist in
Russia and Eastern Europe

dashboard-mounted cameras are constantly

recording our behavior on the roads.

(car horn blaring)

From the bizarre to the ridiculous,

(dog barking)

the funny,


to the down right dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve into this

treasure trove of stupidity on the roads.

(tires screeching)

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

We play the action to
see what really happened.

(horse gallop)

And of course, there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes to

helping us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show,

no one and that means no
one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely. Not
everyone is this lucky.

(car alarm blaring)

(glass breaking)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV

more down right dozy
driving from Russia and

Eastern Europe that had
it happened in Britain

would have resulted in the following

contraventions of the highway code.

Article 239, when parking stop as close

as you can to the side of the road.

Article 195, you must give way

when pedestrians are
moved onto a crossing.


Article 126, drive at a
speed that will allow you

to stop within the distance that is clear.

(tires screeching)


Chapter four, from the book
of "How to be a thespian"

always enter a scene with plenty of gusto.

(Ta da)

And page three from "The
beginners guide to jokes"

Why did the ducks cross the road?

To get to the other side of course, ha!

(car revving)


A wise man once said, "Every
action has a reaction"

and I'm pretty sure that
man was Keanu Reeves

in the criminally underrated
1996 filum chain reaction.


This is also true on the roads.

Occasionally, something
happens which sets into motion

a series of completely
unexpected reactions.

(tires screeching)


So, in the words of Diana
Ross, these next drivers

find themselves caught in the
middle of a chain reaction.

(just another oops on me~)

Ah, a nice sunny day here.
People on their way to work.

Maybe we'll sing a jaunty
little tune when suddenly


Gosh, you've been hit by a smooth criminal

driving a ten ton lorry.

You've gone into someone
else whose gone into

someone else and that's at least

four mornings completely ruined.

We're on board with Dmitri, unemployed,

24, describes himself on dating websites

as having no sense of smell.

Here he is just minding his own business


when a white four by
four suddenly has it's

back door smashed in by
two over eager strangers.

A sentence which would get me arrested on

anything other than a TV
show about car crashes.

Okay, I think I've got the hang of this.

Get ready for the shan't.


Oh, nothing happened.
Let's see that again.


Ah! Look on the other side of the road.

That's more like it. Hard
core lorry on lorry action.

Next up, a bridge,
frantic brake lights and

(screeching tires)


a lorry doing a, passable at best,

impression of a runaway elephant.

Breaking distances, some
believe in them, some don't.

This man doesn't.

(tires screeching)


That's like a Mexican
wave fueled by hatred.

And finally, let's hope this guy's

covered by third party insurance.

Then fourth, then fifth,
then sixth, seventh.

(car revving)

Welcome to hit or miss.
Yes it's that time again.

You know how to play this game.

Choose wisely and predict whether

it's going to be a hit
like this show, or miss,

like my show on the mating
rituals of the British ant.

(screeching tires)


Welcome, to Hit or Miss.

Okay, first up, well what have we here.

A cheeky little over taker? Ohhh!

But will he hit this blue
car, hit this lamp post,

or somehow crash into the
side of this building.

Or perhaps he'll miss everything.

You decide. Play!


Incredible stuff! Well
he did plow off the road

but he is in a four by four.

So that sort of terrain
should be no problem for him.

That counts as a miss.

And another bright
spark, this time driving

on the wrong side of the road.


Pretty obvious that something is going

to go wrong, but what are we going to hit?

Will we crash head first
into the other car?

Definitely. Will we hit this lamp post?

Certainly. Or will we veer
left and plow into this

snow plow? Hmm, possibly.
Or will we somehow

miss everything? Let's see! Play!


It's a double hit.

The ladder and the lamp post get it. Next.

A nice dusky setting and
this buffoon is narrowly

missed rear ending this stopped car.

But what calamity is about to unravel?

Will he hit this car, this car, this car,

or our car? Or are we
in the land of miracles

where he somehow manages
to miss everything?

(tires screeching)


It's a hit! And mister white four by four

takes another blow.

He's really not having
a good day, is he now?

And finally, night has
fallen but that doesn't mean

the motoring buffoons
have all gone to bed.

Oh no, look at this guy who
pulls out from a junction

without even looking if
anything is approaching.


Are we going to slam into
the back of the ladder,

are we going to collide with the lamp post

on the opposite side of the carriage way

or will we miss everything?
Hold on tight, here we go.

(tires screeching)

Two near misses, shear
driving skilled by our man

and we're left with a view of
the special offers at Kafabao.

Well done if you got
four out of four folks.

See you next time on Hit or Miss.

(tires screeching)


A lot of us will wile away the hours

binge watching episode after episode

of a hit drama series on the tele box.

(tires screeching)


But what is it that makes
that series a success?


Well, it needs a healthy dose of action,

a little bit of intrigue and plenty of

car crashes to blow your mind.

(tires screeching)

Well, hit the brakes
Hollywood, because Car Crash TV

is launching its own drama and
it's a sure-fire smash hit.

Metaphorically and literally.

So settle down and enjoy Breaking Bad.

We're not gonna get sued
for that name, right?

Can someone call my lawyer, please.

The element of surprise is tantamount

to the success of our
new show. Wait for it.

(tires screeching)


Ta-da! Just what like
the surprise you get when

you don't bother to use your brakes.

Next up, protagonist takes
on his enemies from behind,

like a ninja. A really loud, forceful and

not very good at braking, ninja.

Take that arch nemesis!

(evil laugh)

Even when the bigger
characters in the series

try to team up on our leading man.

He hits them right where it hurts,

the corner of their borderline
indestructible vehicle.

Might have to rewrite that bit.

Our episodes pack more
punch than Tony Soprano

after a few white wine spritzers.


Oomph, kill!

Of all the bumpers in all the world,

she had to drive into mine.

(tires screeching)


And she was smoking.

All of our stunt drivers
are highly trained.

Well, except for Kevin,
who works part time

as a supermarket delivery block.


Great, add it to the production cost.

(phone ringing)

Hello? What? What do you
mean we've gone over budget.

I'll be right there.

Ah! Oh blimey! Please don't let me crash.

Please don't let me crash,
please don't let me.

Thank goodness. That's it!

I'm officially out of the TV business.

(tires screeching)


You might not think that a
dance could be like a car crash

unless of course you were
a guest at my wedding.

Anyway, sometimes there's a
certain elegance to an accident.

And for this next
compilation, we've raided

the archives to bring you the most stylish

of smashes and given
them a mark out of ten.

From polished pile ups
to sweeping smash-ups,

we've got it all. So
dust off your dance wear

and slip into your sequins,

because it's time for
Strictly Car Crashing.

(tires screeching)


Dance is all about the lines and curves.

You've got to throw out the
back end like you mean it.

Oh yes, tell us a sexy story
with your buttocks, darling.

A sensually sumptuous spin
to finish and yeah baby,

you put yourself in the
corner my darling. Eight.

Time for a tango. It takes two to tango.

And this great twirling twit is starting

without us. May I have the next dance?

Oh no, she must be spoken for. Three.

Sometimes road signs can
be confusing and imprecise.

But if you look closely at this one.


Their driver is clearly being
told to perform pirouettes.

Which he does with
assured style and grace.

A wonderful tight turn and a
lovely little kiss to seal it.

What a dancer! Eight.

Now time for a bit of night fever.


I had night fever once,
terrible temperature,

hardly slept a wink. Turns
out it was food poisoning

from a dodgy prawn fritter. Seven.

And finally, a feisty Latin routine.

These always have plenty of
passion and a story to tell.

Normally about a stolen donkey or wife.

There's the Cuban switch back,
fakes into oblivion feather

and oh buy me a sombrero,
that is fantastic.

A wonderful reunion with a
partner, great syncopation.

These two are surely our winners. Ten.

And sadly, that's all from
the ballroom this week.

Until next time, keep crashing.

(tires screeching)


Skid marks, the dirty
scourge of our roadways.

(tires screeching)


And if you ignore the
highway code, the scourge of

many people's underpants too.

(tires screeching)


When slippery surfaces
meet dumb dumb drivers

(tires screeching)

things can quickly spin out of control.

(tires screeching)


So pack a clean pair
everyone, in fact, pack two,

as we take a look at
some absolute no marks

in their sensational skid marks.

How do you spot a Brit abroad?

Simply start a cue and
they'll come flocking,

(tires screeching)


skid marks and all.

At a pedestrian crossing
it's incredibly important

to wait for the green
man, and also the red car,

(tires screeching)


and his now brown trousers.

Here Fido, come on boy, walkies

Now, whose a good dog? Now,
does anyone have a doggy bag?

Welcome to the international irresponsible

parking championships.
Here's our first competitor.

(tires screeching)


And it's a very strong start.

You'd think farmers would be used to

the smell of manure, but these two

can't wait to get away
from this guy's skid marks.

(tires screeching)


Coming up, surprise
entrances and surprise exits.

(tires screeching)


Plus, a really surprising outcome

when ram and dirt biker do battle.

(ram baaing)

But first, can you
guess what happens next?

It's a tall order if you get this right,

I'll eat my hat, and shirt and tie,

and incredibly expensive loafers.

(tires screeching)


Before the break I challenged you with

guessing what was about
to happen in this clip.

But I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in

the highway code, that driving around with

your crane at full erection is a bad idea.

And here's the proof as he collides

with the electricity cables,
and the pedestrian foot bridge.


It's going to be at least ten minutes

before he can go again.

(car revving)

It's a well-know industry
secret that you should

never work with children or animals.

It's a less well-known
secret that you should

never work against animals either.

The animal kingdom is called just that,

a kingdom because
creatures great and small

will often take the
mantle of kings and queens

of the highway and there is diddly squat

you can do about it.

For a start, they don't have insurance.

And secondly, you will
never win in an argument

with a goat, trust me, I've tried.

They're terrible listeners,
constantly bleeding on

about this and that with utterly

no respect for your point of view.

Okay, I'll stop now.
This is Animal Antics.

What on earth could bring a four lane

motor way to a stand still like this?

An escaped tiger, perhaps?
Maybe a rhino on the charge?

A stampede of wildebeests
or these adorable

little ducklings and their mother

having a spec"quack"cularly
difficult walk home.

Fear not my feathered
friends, the human heart

can't resist defending
the duckling dynasty.

I love pets, I just think they need to

be trained properly, you know.

Sit, beg, roll over, use
the pedestrian crossing.

(tires screeching)


You know, the basics.

Everyone knows that cats have nine lives

so running across a busy dual carriageway

is second nature to the feline community.

Dogs, however, only get one,

(tires screeching)


which is probably why
he decided to turn back.

Well, he'd be barking mad not to.

Have you ever seen a break-dancing cow?

Well now you have,

and this one has got
some serious "moo"ves.

(tape rewinding)

I'm not sure if they do
hip replacements that big.

But I know a farmer
whose about to find out.

Little know fact, but moose fashion week

falls between August the
7th and August the 15th.

Here you can see moose
vogue editor, Ankla Winter,

strutting off to review the latest

brown and white spring/summer collection.

So daring, darling.

As soon as you take yourself off-roading,

you have to understand one thing,

you are no longer in charge.
This ram has had a bad day.

The bills for grass have sky rocketed.

He's got three baby rams at home to feed

and his sheep misses has been giving him

some seriously "baaad" ultimatum recently.

So, there is no way he is going to just

let some moron in a helmet
drive across his front garden.

I've had it up to here with you humans

trying to push me around, well no more!

Take this you dirty flesh bag!

Yeah, how do you like
it? Somebody roast this.

Yeah, you better run away.
Oh, coming back for more?

You must have a death wish
sonny, don't you try and

cast your Harry Potter spells on me!

And finally, I'm not sure why
they call idiots, bird brains.

Look at the brilliance of
this pair of love birds.

If only half of the
pedestrians in our clips

had half of their intelligence.

More of our motorists would
have cars in beak condition.

Thank you very much.

(car revving)


Driving off-road is a lot of fun,

but only if you do it in a higher car

you've leased in your best
mates name, Sorry Michael.

If you want to keep your
car in working order,

however, on-road is the style for you.

If it's small and gray it's
either a road or a dolphin.

So, take your chances and drive on it.

For some people staying on the road

is as difficult as staying
on a bucking bronco.

Sure, it's easy at the start

but how long can they hang on for?

So, grab your saddle horns
and dig in those spurs,

because this is Off Road Rodeo.

Well, yee haw cowboys and cowgirls,

and welcome to the thirteenth
annual off-road rodeo.

Our first contestant is Travis the tanker,

but how long can he hold on?

Well, won't you darn
well take a look at that,

a healthy thirteen seconds.

Let's hope that gasoline
don't spill everywhere,

we got hogs to roast. Yee haw!

All right, here comes
Randy Racer Jr the third.

He sure is a randy and
he sure is a racing,

but it's too fast.

(tires screeching)


Only eight seconds on the clock.

That's a real bummer for Randy.

How's he going to explain
that to all of his wives?

Up next, a rookie. This
is Chad Applesauce,

making his debut in off-road rodeo.

(tires screeching)


Holy hat benders, we have loose cattle,

and just six seconds for Chad.

Well, paint my chimney
with chipotle glaze,

I ain't never seen anything like that.

Another first-timer now, this is

Bobby Joe Billy Joe Bud Buck's son

of three-time rodeo champ,

Billy Joe Bobby Joe Bud Buck the second.


(tires screeching)

And that's bad luck for Bud Buck.

Hoo wee! Just nine short seconds.

Finally, we have my
son, Purvis Ray Clinton,

our youngest competitor
just six years of age,

taught to drive by all
twelve of his uncles.

(tires screeching)


Dang it, Purvis Ray, five
measly seconds. Ah heck!

So, our off-road rodeo winner
this time is the big boy,

Travis the tanker, with
a whole thirteen seconds.

Well done, sir, and
thank you for watching.

Make dang sure to visit the
barbecue wagon on your way out

and of course the gift shop. Yee haw!

(tires screeching)


Surprises, come in all shapes and sizes.

They also come in all
makes, models, colors,

and some of them even have a roof rack.

Yes, this next lot love
both the element of surprise

and if ever you needed
a reminder that nothing

in life is certain especially

your low claims bonus, this is it.


Those of a nervous disposition
should prepare themselves

for these clips we aptly
titled, Surprise Surprise.

And for my first trick,
ladies and gentlemen

I shall make a blue saloon
appear out of thin air.



Which coincidentally is
magicians code for total tool.

There's snow better way
to take out your enemy

than banking on the fact
that they might come see you.


(evil laugh)

I love an evil plan packed with puns.

Congratulations, Sarah and David,

you've given birth to a beautiful bouncing

(tape rewinding)

four by four, well that was a surprise.

"David, I can explain."

I don't like it, it's quiet, too quiet.

(tires screeching)


Well, not anymore it isn't.

If you want to make it on to Car Crash TV,

it's always important
to make a spectacular

entrance and exit, and
then probably hit a wall

or something equally immovable.

Bravo, sir, you're a born performer.

They say, keep your friends
close and your enemies closer.

(car horn blaring)


Or maybe not that close.

We join the third leg of the triathlon now

and yes, he has finished
the cycling part of the race

and begins the final grueling
run to the finish line

and what a dismount that was folks,

just stumbling at beaches broke, sorry,

think I might have my
sports mixed up there.

And finally, we've covered the globe in

so much concrete that
sometimes mother nature

surprises us by reminding road
users who exactly is boss.

Who knew that mother nature was friends

with our dear old Zilla.
Surprise surprise.

(folk music)