Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Episode #2.7 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre to the ridiculous,

the funny, to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands of dash cams

around the world have captured just about

every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame,

replay the action to see
what really happened,

and of course, there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes to

helping us become better drivers.

And please remember, on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely, not
everyone is this lucky.

(glass shatters)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more madness and mayhem from the roads of

Russia and Eastern Europe.

That, had it happened in
Britain would have resulted

in the following contraventions
of our beloved highway code.

Article one one nine, if
your vehicle begins to skid,

ease off the accelerator
and turn the steering wheel

in the direction of the skid.

Article two two one, if you
are following a large vehicle,

be aware that the driver may not

be able to see you in his mirrors.

Article one three three, if
you need to change lanes,

use your mirrors, signal, and move over,

but not onto the opposite
carriageway, you berk.

Chapter two from the guide
to being a school bully.

Always pick on someone your own size.

And some of my own personal advice,

doing donuts in your vehicle
is neither big nor clever,

and is not a way to
impress gals, trust me.

(glass shatters)

Junction is my favorite motoring word,

and jerk is my favorite insult,

as well as my favorite type of chicken.

The two things go together beautifully.

Just like a spicy portion of jerk chicken,

what also makes me red in the
face is the balmy behavior

of buffoons where two or
more roads come together.

(comical music)

There's an art to turning off the road,

so put on your seatbelt
and put down your chicken,

because you're about to meet
some real junction jerks.

There are a few things we could call them,

crossroad cretins, no.

Intersection idiots, no.

Junction jerk, yes please.

Every day of the week, including Sundays.

Size doesn't matter, it's what
you do with it that counts.

That's right ladies, I'm
talking about roof racks,

and that's an absolute whopper.

But it won't make you
breakfast in the morning.

Ah, the yellow brick road,
slightly busier than normal.

Must be a bank holiday, holy munchkins!

Now that's why you shouldn't
let winged monkeys drive a car.

My, it's absolute gridlock
in the land of Oz today.

Emerald city really
needs that relief road.

You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.

That is a Toto disaster.

We all know cars have a glove compartment,

but did you know they also
come with a cheese compartment?

There it goes, and
that's his fondue ruined.

E damage guys, you Gouda
drive more carePhilly.

See what I did there?

People say golf is boring,

but here's a guy who
things he's Tiger Woods,

and here's a bus full of
women who aren't his wife.

Keep you eyes on the road, Tiger.

He used to be such a good driver,

and now he's shanked
himself into the rough.

Meanwhile, back in Oz, the
wicked witch of the west

is desperate to get home before it rains.

She's melting, melting!

And finally, it's worth
remembering that not all

junction jerks are doing it on purpose.

Take this guy, he's just
distracted by a building

that looks like a
hilarious cartoon hoover.

Well let's hope he's
not also distracted by

terrible humor, because that crash sucked.

(tires screeching)

Welcome super sleuths to
another installment of CSI,

that's right, crash scene investigation.

Where you get to play the Sherlock Holmes

of the automotive world
and try to deduce what,

who, why, where, when and
how a crash has happened.

Take a look at this scene.

How has this chap got in this kerfuffle?

Is it A, the tractor's tire blows out,

B, the car and the tractor collide,

or do you think it's C,

the forks of the crane on the
tractor catch on the road?

All very possible, Watson,
but which one will it be?

Let's see.

(crashing and crunching)

That's right, it was option C,

the forks for carrying hay
on the front of the tractor

got caught on the road, causing
the tractor to summersault,

and its rear wheel to fall off.

I think it's off to the
slaughterhouse for that old girl.

(glass shattering)

Two wheels are better than four,

unless you're talking about fine cheeses,

in which case the more wheels the merrier.

But for many drivers,
motorcyclists are the curse

of the highways with their
unpredictable antics,

unnecessary speed, and
suspicious mustaches.

Well most of them, anyway.

Yes, they might look cool,
but are ridden by fools.

When you hear that splutter behind you,

you know you're never
far from a scary biker.

(salsa music)

Motorbikes are a lot like babies.

No one knows how they're
made, where they come from,

or why Madonna has acquired so many.

And they have a habit of turning up

when you least expect it.

Congratulations, it's
a bouncing scary biker.

Now, what's more fun than
gliding through a tunnel?

Sliding through a tunnel.

A snazzy little blue backpack there too.

Probably some sandwiches
and a thermos inside.

This silly slider is having
the time of his life.

First the worst, second the best,

second the one with the
severely bruised chest.

But it's not all about the winning,

it's the taking part that counts.

And there are quite a few
parts all over the road now.

As always in these parts,
a man with a pony tail

is quick on the scene to mooch around

and be absolutely no help whatsoever.

He's the real winner here.

Every now and then people make mistakes

that get us in a bit of a spin.

Ouch, this white car has
turned without seeing

the overtaking biker, but take my advice,

be the bigger person and put
it down to an unfortunate

accident, or take this biker's advice,

chase after the perp as the red Mr. Sens

and get your revenge, it's up to you.

What would I know?

I'm only one of the
world's leading experts

on road safety, after all.

I haven't read The Beano in years,

I wonder what Dennis the
Menace is up to these days?

Ah, turns out he's smashing
his face into the road,

and he's dropped his catapult.

He's a menace unto himself, that boy.

And finally, just like in wrestling,

all of these motorists
have a special move.

This one's called the bum breaker,

because this bum is terrible at breaking.

A little sore, but he's okay.

The scary biker lives to wrestle again.

(car crashing)

coming up, find out
what happens when trucks

get tired and need a lie down.

And why you should never take
your car off-piste skiing.

Plus, we get to be all smug and judgmental

in everyone's favorite, the blame game.

But first, can you work
out what happens next

in this clearing smashing clip?

Remember, the clue is in the description.

(car crashing)

Welcome back, earlier I
asked you if you could guess

what happens next in this clip.


that's right, this flatbed
full of new windows

plows into a broken down
car on the hard shoulder.

It's going to be a real
pain to clear all this up.

Fortunately, he escaped with
just a glaze, uh sorry, graze.

(tires screeching)

When you ask my kids what
they think of car journeys,

they'll tell you one
thing, they're boring.

But I disagree.

Whilst we listen to my vast
collection of whale music,

my eyes are glued to the outside world,

and the bizarre treasures it contains.

Yes, this next batch of surprises

is like a box of chocolates,

you never know what you're going to get,

and you'll probably feel a
bit sick when we've finished.

So grab a fudge finger,
keep your eyes peeled,

and get ready to be wowed by everything

weird and wonderful.

British beef went through
a rough time in the 90's

with mad cow disease, but
in this part of the world,

it's the farmers
themselves who are insane.

What's weird and wonderful is
that he owns a salmon farm.

He doesn't even need a tractor.

A public service warning to you all now,

be careful when stopping
to let pedestrians cross

the road, because it might just happen

to be the legendary car whisperer.

Yes, he might look like
a recently divorced

phone line technician,

but this individual can hold
a conversation with a car

for up to eight hours.

Yes, when he was only
this big he was abandoned

in a junkyard and raise by Volvos.

Now he wanders the streets,

a whispering enigma among the
honking horns of uncertainty.

People say nature has no sense of humor,

well here's a tree
pretending to be Del Boy

falling through the bar.

Nice and cool Tri, you know what I mean?

Behind the scenes of
the filming of the video

of the East 17 Christmas
smash, stay another day.

The talented one, Tony Mortimer,

leaves the car in a row about facial hair,

and leaves the driving to Brian Harvey,

okay, it's not really East 17,

but that crash is worth forgetting.

Just like the names of
the other band members,

baby if you've got to, go,

and exchange insurance details.

Driverless cars are fantastic.

They'll plan your route,
they'll do the hard work,

they'll save you fuel.

They'll even fire you
out of the ejector seat

and then happily park themselves

whist you pick up your ruined possessions

from the middle of a junction.

That was a brand new thermos, that was.

Now it's scratched, and
there's beef mulligatawny

all over the intersection.

How's that for weird and wonderful?

And finally, you've
seen Mad Max Fury Road?

Good film, well this is
Messy Max untidy road,

not such a good film.

But in one of the best action sequences,

a baddie throws a grenade at us.

It's cunningly disguised
as a orange juice carton.

Oh no, phew, it didn't go off.

It's best before December 2017, thank you.

(tires squealing)

Here on Car Crash TV we like to think

we're providing a service.

We serve up the best dash
cam clips on the planet,

offering you a healthy
dollop of entertainment

as well as a side lesson
in how not to drive.

But sometimes we come across a
clip which is so entertaining

and serves such a good
lesson that it deserves

some screen time all of it's own.

So sit back and watch as we push this

next clip into your tellyboxes.

Breaking down can be embarrassing,

either you find yourself
bawling your eyes out

to the latest Adam Sandler rom com,

or you find that your motor conks out

in the middle of the road.

For this driver it's the latter,

and rather than calling
a breakdown service,

he decides to try and push it
off the road all by himself.

Watch out for that four by four.

And that one.

And just like a kid at the school disco,

he finishes by skidding on his knees

and coming to rest at the side of the road

looking embarrassed, like a boy who's just

been rejected by his teenage crush.

At least he got his car
off the road though.

Actually, on second thoughts,

I've seen enough of these
clips now to suspect

that perhaps his car hadn't broken down,

and this is simply an absolute nutter

taking his car out for a walk.

Whatever it is, I think you'll
agree, you shouldn't do this.

(tires squealing)

Everyday millions of
vans, trucks, and lorries

scoot around our roads
bringing you your dinner,

latest online purchase,
or birthday surprise.

Where would we be without these majestic

beasts of the byways?

Well, according to this next set of clips,

a lot better off!

It's easy to ignore other road users

when you're so big you won't
feel a thing in a collision.

But the bigger they are,
the harder they fall,

or crash, or roll.

Make way people, for our
not very goods vehicles.

Eskimos kiss by rubbing noses.

Lorries kiss by touching bumpers.

Behold, true love my friends.

You's take number 34 from the Italian Job,

where Michael Kane finally has success

breaking into the van.

We've done it lads, we've
blown the bloody doors off.

There's all sorts of ways to save money

on your daily commute, take a bike,

start a car share scheme,

or have a lorry push
your car to work instead.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but this appears to be a serious waste

of opportunistic advertising space.

Shame on you sir!

Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry,

red lorry, red lorry!

The biker community live by
the motto forever two wheels,

and this is precisely why bikers

shouldn't be allowed to
drive trucks for a living.

Now all truckers have done it,

taken a wrong turn and
caused a bit of a jam.

But I always say the best course of action

is to be the bigger man and give way.

Simply throw that
gearstick into reverse son,

and give the oncoming traffic
some room to maneuver.

Oh wait, I forgot to say
check your mirrors first,

oh do I have to spell
everything out for these people?

Riddle me this, what's big
and fast and likes to cuddle?

That giant lorry speeding
down the outside lane.

It's like being pounced on by one of those

big, smelly, slobbery dogs.

In a simpler time people
would tip their hats

to one another to say good
evening as they passed by.

Someone tell this bloke that a

simple wave would have sufficed.

Ladies and gentlemen, to finish,

I proudly present to you to Paul Daniels

of articulated lorries,

behold this stupendous levitation act.

He's here all week folks,

tell your friends and be
sure to tip your waitress.

(tires squealing)

Have you been injured in an
accident that wasn't your fault?

Well here's something to
take your mind off it.

Yes, more accidents
that aren't your fault.

But see if you can identify
who is the guilt party

in this collection of calamitous clips.

Yes, it's another round of our not yet

award winning quiz the blame game.

Now, this is a jaunty little place,

it's like a toy town, where
toys go to retire, maybe.

But who is to blame for
toy town's latest tragedy?

Well, the white four by
four is both undertaking

and running a red light,

it's a double dose of blame for you.

And now, he's getting out and throwing

his toys out of the
pram, how embarrassing.

Take one complicated junction,

add a cup of icy conditions,
and toss in three or four

certified maniacs and you've
got a surefire feast of fault.

So who's taking a big ole
bite of blame burger here?

Well, the blue truck
went through on a red,

but the white SUV shouldn't
have been speeding

in these conditions, you're both to blame.

Snow day, everyone's got the day off,

but blame doesn't take a break, people.

Which freezing fool is
at fault for this one?

Yes, it's creepy Christopher here,

who creeps his way into the blame books.

Next time, check there's
no oncoming traffic,

Christopher, you creep.

And finally, we finish with the top one,

a real teaser to get you thinking.

Eyes down for a full
house, who's to blame here?

Very tough, there's no road markings,

but this white car should
have noticed the other car

coming from the right before
pulling out from the curb.

Yes, that's all folks,
all rise, court dismissed.

(car crashing)

By his own front man, Ronan
Keating once famously sang

life is a rollercoaster,
and I couldn't agree more.

Learning a trade, moving up the ladder,

and trying to find out what you

excel at is an arduous process.

Whether you want your career
path full of twists and turns,

or maybe you just want to spin
off in a different direction,

the folks behind these steering wheels

are ready to take you
to a dizzy new height

of hilariously bad driving.

Get ready for some good old
fashioned career advice.

Don't forget that in
business it's always best

to meet a challenge head on.

Even if that challenge
is a giant metal girder

separating you from oncoming traffic.

Often, you may find
yourself desperately trying

to swerve through office
politics and red tape

like this chap swerves
through motorway traffic.

It'll all be worth it in the end, however,

when you finally hit the bank.

As long as it isn't made of snow.

It's easy in the working environment

to feel like everyone is showing
your ideas the red light.

My advice, ignore them and
plow fearlessly forward

no matter what obstacles
are put in your way.

Small businesses sometimes
feel like a David and Goliath

story when competing
with bigger companies.

But keep the faith, and
remember the little guy

always wins in the end.

Picking a career path is a lot like

picking a lane on a
busy road late at night.

I'll have this one, no wait, this one.

No, no, no, hang on, this one.

For goodness sake, make
your mind up, will you?

As a manager, you might sometimes have

to curb an employee's enthusiasm.

Bouncing off one into oncoming
traffic usually works.

Everyone is scared of something,

perhaps driving alongside
lorries, for instance.

Sometimes the best way to deal with this

is to face your fears head on.

Or not.

Just remember, that even
when you think things

are going in the right direction,

it can be a slippery slope
to the top, and the left.

Don't forget to leave the office
environment now and again,

and explore the great outdoors,

the fresh air, the
beautiful woodland trees.

So much to see and so
little time to do it.

How about right now?

And finally, whist I don't condone the use

of underhand tactics in business,

sometimes to get where you want to go,

you have to clear the path ahead,

and then take out the competition
nipping at your heels.

Job done.

(upbeat guitar music)