Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day,
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

(explosion boom)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre to the ridiculous.

The funny, to the down right dangerous.

The thousands and thousands

of dash cams around
the world have captured

just about every mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

Replay the action to see
what really happened,

and of course there's
nothing like seeing other

people's mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(crash noises)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more ridiculously outrageous road use

from Russia and Eastern Europe that,

had it happened in Britain
would have resulted

in the following contraventions
of the highway code.

Article 178, at traffic
lights only go forward

if the lights are on green.

Article 228,

in winter do not drive unless
your journey is essential.

Chapter two from my eight
year old science textbook,

solid matter can not pass
through other solid objects.

And an announcement from
the National Railway,

- the next train to St.
- Petersburg will be along in 20 minutes.

(crashing noises)

There's a good reason why
everyone from Game of Thrones

is so worried about winter coming.

That's because they know
the terrifying things

that come out of a snow storm.

No, I'm not talking about
white walkers of the undead,

I'm talking about a plethora
of poor drivers slipping

and sliding all over
the place like a gaggle

of girls on a hand do at 4:00 AM

across a slippery club dance floor.

Mark my words, it's not an
avalanche you need to be wary

of when the white stuff hits the tarmac,

it's loss of traction and poor visibility

and that's sno'w joke.

I didn't know it snowed at the Taj Mahal.

Anyway, they say you
can't really understand

what someone is going through

unless you walk a mile in their shoes.

Unless thanks to the snow you
drive a mile in their lane.

Let's just see that once more, shall we?

Yes, to be one we must first understand

what each other is feeling.

Ah whiplash, got it.

They're many ways these
days to hail a cab.

Wait around for the black one,

call the local mini cab office,

use a phone app, or simply
drive directly into one.


I'm going to treat you to a
beautiful balletic performance

next from this graceful duo.

Witness the majesty of this
patternless pas de deux.

A spectacular pairing, I
think you'll agree what- what?

I actually do a bit of
fortune telling on the side,

and I foresee that this driver is going

to meet a big dark
stranger, right about now.

I also foresee a rather
large tow truck bill.

And finally, this is a charity appeal

from the Save the Yeti Foundation,
please reduce your speed.

Every year entire families

of Yeti are senselessly
injured crossing roads

by large four by fours trying

to improve their break dancing skills.

Reduce your speed, not
the Yeti population.

(crash noises)

(upbeat music)

When you're driving and things
start to go pear-shaped,

it could only end in one of two ways.

Sometimes you get away with it,

ou how very stylish madam,

but often you end up
looking like a total plum.

Now, that is shameful.

You're a total plum sir, yes I said plum.

However, working out which way it's going

to go can be a real test
of motoring know how.

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls

get out those pencils because it's time

to play shame or style it out.

Ding ding, round one, nice day for it.

Here comes Horizontal Horris.

Hmm he certainly taking a lateral approach

to this motor way.

But will this end in shame or style?

Play on.

Oh Horris you've absolutely smashed

that at the front of your nice new car.

That'll teach you to drive sideways,

but wait he's still going,
he's styling it out.

Go on Horris, you sideways superstar, you.

Get yourself to that garage in style.

Okay, round two.

Oh say hello to Berry the Biker.

He's eyeing up a close gap ahead,

but it's going to be a tight squeeze.

Shame or style?

Play on.

Looking good for Berry,
but oh no that is shameful.

But can he pick up his bike

and regain even a tiny bit of style?

Play on.

Go on Berry, make up for it.

No it's too heavy for him
and now his swearing at it.

It's a double shame.

Bad luck Berry.

Right then, round three.

A winter collection
merging merry is merging

a little too merrily.

But is she heading for shame or style?

Play on.

A little tap to the rear,
a tiny kiss to the wall,

and she is off into the distance.

Yes she's held it together
with some lovely curves.

That's how to slide in
the snow with style, dear.

And finally, round four.

And Berry the biker is back,

but has he learnt anything
from his gap squeezing failure?

Play on.

No, he hasn't.

Oh Berry you're an absolute clown.

See you next time for more shame or style.

(engine roars)

There're a lot of people
on this planet who like

to consider themselves as lone wolves,

or perhaps lone rangers,

or as this group of clips will prove,

in dire need of a loan to fix the damage

they've done to their car.

Yes, this next lot of so
called trailblazers manage

to get themselves in a complete
kerfuffle all by themselves.

So, lets salute those
swerving singular entities,

those Han Solo's of handling,
who live their lives

by the lonesome lyrics of the
famous hit, All By Myself.

Let's be honest,

every now and then

all of us get little bit bored of gravity

and it's fun to test out if
it's still working or not.

Yep, that's just you, yourself

and Newton's Third Law there, pal.

The car we're onboard
with is about to turn left

and see the worst ever
piece of ill discipline

at a red light.

Obviously this guy is in a hurry,

but isn't Karma great?

Doesn't it make you happy that there

is some equilibrium in the world?

Makes me want to be Buddhist.

Nice clear road here,
beautiful clear skies,

what could possibly go wrong?

Well, that's just offensive driving.

Literally poleaxed, oh thank you.

To be a successful lone
ranger it's important

to get at least six to eight
hours of sleep every day.

Although perhaps taking some
of it whilst driving might

not be the brightest idea.

It's also important to
eat your five a day.

Now, where is that
organic farmer's market?

Right, right, right!

Oh how disappointing, only
got marrows left anyway.

And finally, ancient Chinese proverb says,

if you're about to miss
an important turn in life,

become one with the turn and master it.

Nice work red grasshopper.

(engine roaring)

(upbeat music)

Now, remember every time
something goes wrong,

someone or something is at fault.

Just ask my agent who got me this job.

Seriously, I've been in
films and everything.

This is humiliating.

Anyway, yes it's time once again

to get out those fingers of fault,

pour a cup of condemnation

and grab a hand full of critical crisps

as we play the Blame Game.

Oh, now this is classic
Blame Game territory.

A crossroads at a dual
carriage way, delicious!

But who is to blame here?

Well, the black jeep is emerging

from a junction without
checking it's clear,

but what is nearly the judgmental
tight rope walking traffic

elephant have to say?
(elephant trumpeting)

That's right you're to blame you dumbo.

Okay, no elephants here, but
there is a zebra crossing.

Who's culpable for this catastrophe?

Sorry black hatch-back it's you.

First elephants, then
zebras, and now a clown.

We've got ourselves a circus, people.

Who's to blame for this next
big 'ole bag of nonsense?

Is it the law abiding four by four

passing through a green
light as it should be

or the silver car trying
to make a cheeky left turn

where there's a giant four by four

coming speeding towards him?

Yes, you're to blame Mr. Silver Fox.

(crashing noises)

And finally, where is should the pinky

of prosecution be pointing here?

At the lumbering lorry or

the silver twerp using
the lorry as a disguise?

Hmm tricky, but where's
Nelly when you need her?

You're right Nelly.

This silver twerp deserves
the final blame of the game.

(upbeat music)

And that's it folks, put your pencils down

and count up your scores.

(crash noises)

Traffic lights have been around

since the late nineteenth century.

No one is yet to come
up with a better system

than the good old red, amber and green.

However, some people still
find that too hard to follow

because either they're
too stupid to understand

or they don't think the
traffic lights apply to them

or their dogs who of
course can't see in color.

Whatever the answer is,

here's what happens when you
run, skip and jump the lights.

This faithful viewer, is
traffic light trouble.

(upbeat music)

Here we're at the lights
red, amber, green.

So far so good, but who is
this color-blind cretin?

Off he goes, leaving our man in the brown.

Next stop the lights say go,

but for one car that means
perform assassin mid-road spin

and moonwalk out of shot.

This car appears from stage
left at a phenomenal speed.

(crash noises)

Collecting bonus points for
hitting two cars in the pass,

known as the Moscow Triple Crown.

The lights are red,

the pedestrians take their queue

and one cyclist takes his chance

to show off his brand new trick.

What you don't realize
is that our cyclist here

has actually double crossed the A-Team.

Hannibal loves it when
a plan comes together.

Always remember, red light in the morning,

white cars warning.

And of course, red lights at
night also white cars warning.

Basically, if you drive
a white car, watch out.

So, to conclude, the lesson
I've learnt from these clips is

that if the lights are green, don't go.

In fact don't drive at all

because eventually something
like this will happen.

(crash noises)

Coming up later on Car Crash TV,

find out if this driver
successfully catches his train,

(train horn blowing)

and these three lorries decide that

they need to go on a diet.

Plus can you guess what happens

next on this busy zebra crossing?

Find out if you're right later on.

(crash noises)

(upbeat music)

Earlier I asked you

what happens next on this
bustling pedestrian crossing.


ah, that was a close one.

Will anyone even bat an eyelid?

No they couldn't give a ...

Take 10 drivers who are
terrible at braking,

mix with hundreds of ropy roadways,

sprinkle in a few thousand
shattered car parts,

blend with a healthy ignorance
of the rules of the road,

and you've got one humdinger
of a braking competition.

Expect thrills, spills and a lot of mess

in the great non-British brake-off.

This guy already has a broken screen,

because he loves to over-egg the pudding.

Yep, he's really egged
the heck out of that one.


Those clouds up there look exactly like

the top of a perfectly baked meringue pie.

Oh and it looks like
we've found our lemons.

A sour face there from baking
aficionado, Merry Berry.

Next, the technical
challenge, stopping distances.

Is this too close?
(crash noises)

Yes, yes it is.

And there's the smoke, he's
definitely over cooked it.

(bright happy music)

We all love a crumble.

This guy loves them so
much he's even decided

to crumble the front of his car.

Lovely texturing top marks.

Can you guess this young
man's favorite pudding?

Yes, that's right, upside down cake.

He goes absolutely head over hills for it.

And as always happens after baking,

no one wants to clear up the mess,

the yellow van isn't interested,

and we're not really bothered either.

Thanks for the cake.

My mother used to say,

you can't bake a cake
without breaking a few eggs.

She often got confused
between cakes and omelets.

In the same way, you can't brake like this

without breaking a few cars.

That absolutely takes
the cake and the omelet.

And someone's also taking this guy shoes,

no wonder he's furious.

Now see if you can spot
Merry Berry adjudicating

from the sidelines.

There she is skipping across the crossing

in her trademark stylish get up.

But it's bad news for the man in shorts,

and also this cricketer,

he's stumped as to what happened.

Bowled over, knocked for six.

Sorry I've run out.

To Hollywood now,
specifically Paul Hollywood.

Speeding home to get a
walnut and cranberry loaf

out of the oven.

The clock is ticking, any
delays that loaf is toast.

Get out of the way man.

Well that's the loaf done for.

Okay it's not really Paul Hollywood,

but here's the inevitable
argument, I'll translate.

"Do you know what you've just done?"

"Yeah, I went in there
and bought some crisps."

"Well, you've absolutely ruined
my car and my loaf of bread.

What were you thinking?"

"Uh, excuse me fellas I'm
a young lumbar jack looking

for some trees to cut down."

"Do you know any trees around here?"

"No, fellas?"

"Ah, forget it."

Then finally, the show stopper.

It's bad luck to walk under a ladder.

It's much worse to drive into one.

So, join me next time
for more star brakers on

the Great non-British Brake Off.

(crash noises)

(upbeat music)

Here on Car Crash TV we like

to give you the cream de la
cream of outrageous clips.

But even by our very high standards,

every once in a while a
clip comes along that stands

heads, shoulders, knees
and toes above the rest.

And this is one of those clips,

so sit back and
choo-choo-choo on this beauty.

(upbeat music)

Missing your train can
really ruin your day,

but it's a whole different kettle of fish

when your train doesn't miss you.

Oh my goodness, what on earth
was that driver thinking?

That is slightly clap
that car was zippy enough

to speed across the
tracks like something in

a Hollywood movie

or the train suddenly have the ability

to do an emergency stop?

Maybe he's just retraining as a stunt man.

Either way it looks like
our driver is A-okay.

(horn blowing)

When it comes to car crash
clips that was just the ticket.

Sorry my train puns are
running out of steam.

In fact, they've hit
the buffers, that's it,

it's the end of a line.

Last stop, Pun Town, population me, sorry.

(crash noises)

Some people think they own the road,

and if you're the highways agency then

that's very much the case.

So, please carry on.

But for the rest of us, it's
all about sharing and caring

if we want to get from A to B.

But there's a group of absolute asphalts

who are only interested
in one thing: themselves.

We've delved into our archives

to showcase the piggish behavior

of drivers interested in
saving only their own bacon.

(car crashing)

Prepare yourselves for that road hogs.

Here's the very definition of a road hog,

this overtaking Mercedes has rudely

and arrogantly cut up the
car we're on board with

before slamming on his
brakes and causing a crash.

What a total pig.

If I ever catch him I'll
have his guts for garters

and sausages and pork
pies, and scratchings.

It's the 21st century
and we're entering an era

of self driving cars,

but unfortunately this one's a road hog.

Are we going slowly enough car?

"No we're not" it says by
shaking it's head side to side.

Do you think we'll miss
that other car up ahead?

Well, does this answer your question?

Welcome to the world car
chewing championships.

Oh we have a late entrance,

too late in fact, you're disqualified.

This little piggy went to market,

this little piggy stayed at home

and this little piggy spent
through a set of road work

showing total disregard for road safety.

Look out for my collection
of road safety themed

mastery rhymes, coming soon
to a music shop near you.

Oh look, Dennis over there.

Come on kids let's get
away from this cold weather

and go on holiday.

Oh wait, it was a billboard.

Big brothers.

They ruin everything.

Yeah, mine used to give me
really painful wedgies too,

the swine.

Rule 274 of the highway
code explicitly states

that if you have a problem you should try

and get your vehicle off the road,

(car crashing)

or wait for a fellow road
hog to give you a shunt.

And rule 275 states that
you should phone your wife

and tell her you'll be late

for your Jazzercise class tonight.

Every summer I hide my
juggernaut somewhere in Moscow

and offer a prize for whoever finds it.

Oh looks like someone is going
home with the grand prize,

45 bags of pork scratchings, hmm salty.

What a lovely day for a
bit of pile-on spotting.

Just look at those two beauties.

Such a strong, unique design.

Oh yes, please sir clean that windscreen

and stop for a closer look.

And finally, there are some concrete rules

when it comes to merging into traffic.

Rule number one,

don't literally merge
into concrete traffic.

You'll break your car,
you'll block the road,

and you'll cement your reputation
as a shameless road hog.

(upbeat music)