Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous.

The funny,

to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the road,

put things right by pointing
the finger of blame,

replay the action to see
what really happened,

and, of course, there's
nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes to

helping us become better drivers.

And please remember, on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(breaking glass)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more outrageous road use from
Russia and eastern Europe,

that had it happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

of the highway code.

Article 31, if an ambulance, fire engine,

police, or other emergency
vehicle approaches

using flashing blue
lights, keep off the road.

Article 88, on all journeys
the rider of a motorcycle,

scooter, or moped must
wear a protective helmet.

Spoiler alert, just kidding.

There are no spoilers
for the highway code.

It's been in the public domain for ages.

And finally, from my own
guide to anger management,

if you've had a prang and
you're on your own in the car,

don't pick a fight with
a four strong gang.

(screeching tires)


The need for speed.

For some of us, the
mundane pace of normal life

just isn't enough, once
we sit behind the wheel,

we promptly leave any common sense behind.

I get it, I really do.

Who wouldn't want to be
Hollywood hard man Jason Statham

driving like a speed
demon in Fast and Furious.

The smell of burning
rubber in your nostrils,

the wind blowing through your hair,

well not his hair,
because he's balder than a

boy racing set of tires.

Anyway, this next set of clips proves

that for the majority of
us, we are less formula one,

and more formula dumb.

Yes, it's time to hold up a
stop sign to these speeders.

Karma, the spiritual
principle of cause and effect,

where one person's actions
influence their future.

Take this clip for example.

Cause, speeding like
an irresponsible idiot.


smashing head first into a lamp post.

Illuminating stuff.

If you wonder why your
birthday card from your Nan

doesn't drop through
your letter box tomorrow,

it's because of this speed racer,

side slamming our beloved postman Pat

on his way home last night.

I hope dear old Mrs.
Goggins wasn't in there.

I've always wondered what 10
pin bowling would look like

when carried out using cars at high speed.



Jumping through a red light is a lot like

jumping across hot coals.

It looks fun, but ultimately
you're going to get burned.

This guy's driving like a bat out of hell.

Yes, it's as if he was as
blind as our winged friends,

and should be sent
straight to the underworld.

In the words of Meatloaf,
I would do anything,

but I wouldn't do that.

And finally, it's annoying
being late for dinner,

but it's not worth doing this.

Looks like he's having
humble pie, served with

a big helping of gooseberry
fool for pudding.

(screeching tires)

Hercule Poirot, Inspector
Clouseau, Philip Marlowe.

A common factor?

Yes, they all have a name ending in o.

Sorry, what's that?

Oh, oh yes.

And they're all famous detectives,

which is more relevant
to this segment, yes.

Now you can join their
ranks by working out

what has caused an accident
in another edition of

Crash Scene Investigation.

Look at the crash scene.

What has happened to these three cars?

It is a, the gold car
has spun out of control,

hitting the white and black?

Could it be b, the black
car has accidentally

rammed the others?

Or maybe it's c, the white
car's forgotten to put on

their hand brake, and hit the other two.

It's a thinker, but
can you solve the case?

Let's take a look at the action.

(honking horns)

(screeching tires)

That's right, it was option b.

The black car has accidentally
rammed the others.

It's like a bad game of car dominoes.

Case closed.

(screeching tires)


Motor bikes are a lot like the band U2.

They're noisy, and lots of
people can't stand them.

But don't worry, bikers,

we'll carry on with or without you.

Yes, some bikers still haven't found

what they're looking for,
and that is a car driver

who respects their
two-wheeled counterparts.

So on this beautiful day,

I present to you a
collection of comical clips,

which have bikers
screaming, achtung, baby!

These are uneasy riders.

Thanks, Bono.

Now I can see the appeal of biking,

raw power throbbing between your legs.

It reminds me of my gap year
at a Guatemalan nunnery.

It's funny, isn't it, how
life, just like the road

can take you by surprise?

One minute everything's peachy,

the next,


you've crashed your motor
bike, or you've been

deported from Guatemala,
which I cannot discuss further

for legal reasons.

Luckily for this uneasy
rider, it's the former.

Nice storm trooper boots there, pal.

Painting your roadside
barriers like a chess board

might look nice, but it's
incredibly dangerous.

Check mate!

Yes, no one saw that move coming.

Unfortunately for this biker,

it looks like he's bashed his bishop,

or at the very least, crooked his rook.

There are times in life when
the goodness of the human soul

truly triumphs over adversity.

This poor biker has been hit.

But wait, our first
responder is on the scene!

An ordinary bystander,
who races into action!

Oh no, he's too preoccupied
checking his lottery numbers.

Next on the scene,
surely he'll do anything

to help his fellow man!

No, he's going to be late for his

MC Hammer fan club meet.

Incredible stuff.

Everyone at this junction
is transfixed by the new

high speed bullet train
streaking across the horizon,

including this train spotting motor biker.


Keep your hobbies for your own time, mate!

Riding a motor bike is
50 percent confidence,

50 percent gymnastics, and
50 percent mathematics.

You need to confidence to go fast,

the gymnastics to do that,

and the mathematics to
check you still have

both your legs afterwards.

He has, and he can't believe it!

And talking of gymnastics,

check out this medal-winning
motorcycle champion.

Look at that landing,
that was textbook stuff.

The classic over the bonnet cartwheel

with catapulting helmet.

Full marks from the judges,

and a well-deserved podium place.

(screeching tires)


Coming up, find out why it's a bad idea

to wear a blindfold whilst driving,

why it's quite a bad idea to drive on the

wrong side of the road,
into the path of a lorrie,

and why it's a really bad idea
to rear end two angry ladies.

Plus, can you guess what's
about to roll out in this clip?

I bet you a tenner you'll never get it.

(screeching tires)

(breaking glass)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier, I asked you to
guess what happened next

on this quiet crossroads.

Yes, that's right folks,
you've really seen it all now.

Car skiing.

Let's hope it doesn't catch on.

(screeching tires)


Prepare yourselves, Car Crash TV fans,

as it's time for a few spoilers.

Spoiler alert,

spoilers make all cars
look utterly stupid.

Spoiler alert,

the bigger the spoiler,
the bigger the plonker.

Spoiler alert,

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.

I know it's crazy, but forget the force,

for this next crop of crashes show

that any car with a fin or a tail

is simply an accident waiting to happen.

So if you hadn't guessed it,

this is spoiler alert.

Oh look, it's the Ghostbusters.

I wonder where they're off to.

Spoiler alert,

the local scrap yard.

Do you like parallel parking?

Then you'll love perilous parking.

Spoiler alert,

coming soon to a street near you.

Ah, the Subaru Impreza.

Spoiler alert,

well in the words of Shania Twain,

that don't impreza me much.


Right then.

No, I didn't literally mean right then.

It was just a figure of speech.

This is like a poor man's Vegas.

Look, there's the Eiffel Tower,

the pyramids at square,

and Caesar's Palace.

But this is no place to gamble.

Spoiler alert,

at least whatever happens
in poor man's Vegas,

stays in poor mans' Vegas.

Spoiler alert, this next maniac's driving

isn't the most ridiculous
thing you'll see in this clip.

Oh no, it's the size of his spoiler.

It's gargantuan!

Yes, put your hazard's on, pal.

You're a hazard unto yourself.

A distinct lack of road markings here,

a recipe for disaster, believe me.

Spoiler alert,

yes, one steaming hot bowl of disaster

with a couple of plums and a ripe pickle.

Sounds delicious.

And finally, talking of pickles,

this guy must thing you're an onion,

because when he cuts you
up, he ends up crying.

Spoiler alert,

and that's shallot.

(horn honking)

(screeching tires)


On Car Crash TV, we love
a good old fashioned

road traffic argument.

But when you don't speak the language,

it's difficult to work out
who's right to be raging,

and who's just a right jerk.

So get ready for some
jaw-dropping eavesdropping

and see if you can work
out who's in the right,

as we play our brand new game,

vorsprung jerk technik.

First up, we've got Thelma and Louise,

and they're not happy.

Hey, we're gonna miss our
appointment driving off a cliff.

Leave it, Thelma, he's not worth it.

These two ladies have made the effort

to get out of their car and
rage at the other road user.

But are Thelma and Louise
right to be so upset?

Let's take a look at the action
and find out who's at fault.

Is it Thelma and Louise in the silver,

or the black saloon?

It's a tense stand off.

Both cars want to be in the
same place at the same time,

and that doesn't work.

But it's Thelma and Louise
that make the criminal move.

But here's the surprise ending.

Another jerk arrow, please, graphics man.

Next up, we have this fella
in the fetching purple coat.

Let's call him Pete.

Get out of that car and face
me like a man, you peasant!

How about we get out and
face you like four men, Pete.

Oh, hello, gents.

What a delightful misunderstanding!

I said pheasant, not peasant.

Perhaps you'd care for
my wallet, my phone?

But who is the jerk in the wrong in this

slightly scary scenario?

Is it purple Pete, or the four man posse?

Let's take a look.

If you guessed purple Pete was the jerk,

then give yourselves a pat on the back.

He didn't even glance
at the oncoming traffic

before pulling out of the car park,

and now he's in a right pickle.

Thanks for playing, folks,

and thank your lucky stars you're not

where purple Pete is right now.

(screeching tires)



The emergency services.

Our protectors and saviors.

Whenever there's trouble,
they're there at the double,

doing the daring with
their sirens blaring.

But even brave heroes can be flawed.

Sometimes the finest
copper can come a cropper.

The following batch of evidence suggests

that if you're going to dial 999,

you should immediately find
a place to hide, hide, hide.

This is

blues and twos.

Make fancy dress even more fun
by dressing up your van too,

and causing a road accident,
and resuscitating a stranger.

Party time.

They say that walls have ears,

but this building even has eyes.

Shame the driver of this
white car seems to have

neither eyes nor ears.

That building saw the ambulance coming

from a mile off, pal.

Police cars are equipped
with bright lights

to make them easy to see.

They're also useful when a
car has been stolen by a moth.

Yep, we got him, Sarg.

Bang two, lights.

Why wait for an ambulance
to arrive at a crash

when you could just
crash into one yourself?

Two birds, one stone,
and one dose of whiplash.

And finally, police budgets
in this part of the world

are so bad, these officers
are being forced to

drive around in an '80s microwave.

Oh, that's the popcorn ruined.

Should've turned on
the old blues and twos.

(screeching tires)


Welcome to hit or miss.

Yes, it's that time again.

Roll up, roll up, you know
how to play this game.

You must choose wisely.

Will these next clips feature a hit

or a miss?

Why buy a dash cam and
then hang stuff in the way

so you can't see?

Oh well, we can see enough to know

that there's a driving
fiasco around the corner.

Red light, you bozo!


Oh, dear, well this fellow is
about to ruin everyone's day.

Or is he?

Will he hit the first car
coming out from the right?

Will he hit the second car
coming out from the right?

Will he swerve across the road and hit the

hitherto peaceful, snowy verge?

Or will he miss them all?

What do you think will happen?


(horn honking)

A lurch to the left and the right,

and he's got a face full of snow!

You nearly styled it out, sunshine,

but that counts as a hit.


A sunny but slanty day in this car.

Everyone seems to be behaving.


Is he carrying a pig in
the passenger's seat?

Well you're right to scream, porky.

This SUV will arrive in Valhalla
going backwards on fire.

But on the way will he hit the black car,

the lorrie, the car we're in, or will he,

by some miracle, miss everyone and

live to drive another day?

What do you think?


Sweet baby Jansen and the orphans, a miss!

What a close shave!

He manages to find a gap
smaller than a chipolata.



Ah, overtaking at speed on snow, clever.


Look who's turning left.

Hello, big boy!

Well, we're scuppered.

Will we hit big boy square in the chops?

Will we hit this sign?

Or will we hit these
posts and go and inspect

that Siberian field?

Or will another miracle occur?

Will we miss everything?


Play on!

Oh, swerving like a drunken
flamenco dancer on ice.

It was a miss, by the skin of your teeth.


Ah, an ill-advised overtaking maneuver.

We've seen a few of those, haven't we?


But what do you think will happen here?

Will we hit the Landrover
and its terrified driver?

Will we hit the innocent
larder we're overtaking?

Or will we miss everything?

We're going to find out right now.


Whoa, eat dandelion,
you overtaking maverick,

and have some stubbly straw too.

Well, with more luck than judgment,

this was a miss!

Thank you for playing, boys and girls.

See you next time,

when we play the game
they're all talking about.

Who are they, you ask?

It doesn't matter.

This was hit or miss.

(screeching tires)


Nighttime is a magical time.

The city's at peace,
the stars are shining,

and it makes people do things like this,

and drive at approximately
35,000 miles per hour.

It's almost like the cover of darkness

makes people think that they
can get away with things

they wouldn't normally do in daylight,

like ram a tree,

or engage in some sort of car tango.

In any case, it's the witching hour,

and this is night time nonsense.

It's nighttime, time
to engage stealth mode.

Now they see me, now they don't.

I'm like Batman, but I'm not a millionaire

and I've just crashed my parents' car.

Dear, one car accepts
another car's invitation

to go and explore the woods.

I wondered if that was as much fun

as he thought it was going to be.

This next car lurches from
one disaster to the next,

dodging three near collisions,

and just when you think
he's made it unscathed,

he plows into a JCB.

No one ever expects the JCB.

Meanwhile, it's midnight in Moscow,

and two vehicles can no longer hide their

love for each other.

Ah, love in the fast lane.

And with the smell of
rubber hanging in the air,

another car goes in for
the gentlest of kisses.

Elsewhere, it's a case
of the louder you scream,

the faster we go.


Anyone want a crash course
in Russian profanities?


Another one who thinks he's Batman.

The dark knight patrols the city.

It looks like the
batmobile needs a service,

keeping his beloved
Gotham safe from crime.

He suspects this lorrie
has the joker in the back.

Oops, no it hasn't.


Quick, Robin, to the bat cave.

And finally, of course, at nighttime

none of the traffic
signals apply, do they?

It's just a free for all for
when you can do what you like,

like mufti day at school.

[Woman] Wear what you
want, and bring in games.

[Narrator] Anarchy!

(upbeat music)