Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

In this episode we'll find out how much destruction a small and innocent little runaway tyre can cause on the roads, spoiler alert, it's a lot. Our viewers will get to take part in everyone's favourite traffic accident based televisual game-show segment, Hit Or Miss.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day more
and more road users are filming

their journeys which can
often end in disaster.

Pioneered by motorists

in Russia and Eastern Europe,
dashboard mounted cameras

are constantly recording
our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre, to the
ridiculous, the funny,

to the downright dangerous,
the thousands and thousands

of dash cams around
the world have captured

just about every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the road.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

We play the action to
see what really happened.

And of course,

there's nothing like seeing
other people's mistakes

when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips, yes,

that's all the clips we show, no one,

and that means no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this episode
of Crash TV, more utterly

unbelievable motoring

from Russia and Eastern
Europe, that had it happened

in Britain, would have
resulted in the following

contraventions of the
highway code: Article 263,

on a motorway, if you
have missed your exit,

carry on to the next one.

Article 56, do not let a dog
out onto the road on its own.


That's in there.

Article 126, leave enough braking distance

between you and the vehicle in front.

Remember, large vehicles need
a greater distance to stop.

And some advice from the
guide to anger management,

just relax and count to 10.
(car engine revving)

IQ tests are the standard
way to work out human

intelligence, but here on Car
Crash TV, we think we found

a better way to see who's a
genius, and who's a buffoon.

Simply hand someone the keys to a car,

and let them get on with it.

The more dents and scrapes,
the bigger the wally,

and the thicker the driver,
the bigger their folly.

So next, let's celebrate
the princes and princesses

of plonkerland with this
bunch of downright dipsticks.

The three point turn is a
tough maneuver to master.

So many angles, so many gear changes,

so easy to go too far.

So remember these points.

If you hit the curb, you've gone too far.

If you leave the road,
you've gone too far.

If you hit a parked car,
you've gone too far.

And if you did all of that
without actually being

in the car, well that's amazing.

Amazingly stupid.

Luckily, this downright
dipstick isn't too far

away to clear things up.

Thousands of years ago,
a wise man once said,

"You should never run
before you can walk."

Motorbikes didn't exist
back then, but if they did,

he would've also you should
never ride a motorbike

before you can actually ride a motorbike.

I'd have another crack at
walking if I were you, mate.

(upbeat music)

But wait, here he is again,
400 yards down the road.

It's a good job he set off
for work three days early.

This next plonker didn't pay
attention in science class,

but now he's going to get a
crash course in road physics.

Tarmac grippy, steel tram lines slippy.

And finally, oh yes, I recognize
this Hollywood blockbuster.

It's "Jurassic Park".

My mistake.

It's "Dipstickable Me".

Some people say nice guys finish last.

Some people say nice cars
finish smashed to pieces

by the absolute buffoons who drive them.

Okay, not a lot of people
say that, but some do.

Okay, I say that.

Anyway, it doesn't matter
how high-end the vehicle,

a car is only as good as
the nut behind the wheel.

So let's see how much damage
these next big spenders rack

up in Nice Car, Shame About the Driver.

The MPV, the multi-purpose
vehicle, or in this case,

the multi-pitted vehicle.

Yep, that's gonna need
about 450,000 rubles

of panel beating there.

And now, an off-roader,

driving exactly where
its designer intended,

the middle of a busy city.

And another 300,000 rubles
to add to our totalizer,

to remove that lorry-shaped dent.

Ah, a saloon.

No stupid off roaders in site.

No, wait.

And that's probably the
first time it's ever been

driven off road.

A whopping 700,000 rubles there.

A nice BMW up ahead.

Does anyone know what
BMW actually stands for?

Ah, badly mangled wreck.

The rich kid up front is
such a terrible driver,

even his own car is trying
to get away from him.

And it look's like the
door's had enough, too.

It'll cost 100,000 rubles
to stick that back on.

And finally, the amazing
thing about sports cars is

the way that they just stick to the road,

and then you stick your hand
in your pocket for a cool

700,000 rubles, unless you
plan on using your superior

speed to do a runner.

So, remember folks, bad driving
is an expensive business.

A mahoosive 2,400,000 rubles
worth of damage right there.

It's enough to make your eyes water.

Or is that because I'm
sitting a big awkwardly

on this chair?
(tires screeching)


It's one of those seasons
that comes round every year.

You know, the cold one
with all that ice and snow.

Yes, winter's arrival every
year is about as predictable as,

well, a car crash on a snowy road.

You'd think by now, 130
years since the first car was

invented, that people would
have realized that cars

and winter just don't mix.

But, based on this next
selection of clips,

it appears not.

Yes, this next lot of drivers find

themselves Going Adrift.

Now here's a warning to all
you fashionistas out there.

If you try applying your winter make-up

whilst you're driving,
(upbeat music)

you could end up with
more powder on your nose

than you bargained for.

This driver has clearly failed
to realize that there is

a pavement hidden under all that snow,

sending him adrift into
his unsuspecting neighbor.

Stunning sunset, by the way.

Here's a winter driving tip.

If you accidentally
overshoot the petrol station,

just carry on to the next one.

Emergency U-turns on ice
never go according to plan,

and I've seen a few of them.

The car ahead has only got
one brake light working.

That can be dangerous.

Then again, so can a car
driving at you on the wrong side

of the road.

At least his hazards are working, though.

Every cloud.

This is a needlessly wide
road for such little traffic.

Then again, perhaps it's not wide enough.

Road hog.

And finally, when I went to film school,

I was always taught to end
the scene on a cliffhanger.

And there it is folks.


And that's proof of what a well-made,

high-quality televisual
entertainment show this is.

You're welcome.

Welcome to Hit or Miss.

Yes, it's that time again.

You know how to play this game.

You must choose wisely.

Will these next clips
feature a hit or a miss?

Yes, it's Hit or Miss.

First, will that car
hit that massive lorry?

Will he hit that massive lorry,
or achieve the impossible

and miss everything?


Good jaw bone, I don't believe it.

If that car was being driven by a cat,

I'd say it used up eight
of its nine lives there.

Amazingly lucky.


The fast lane and
there's been a kerfuffle.

What will happen to our driver?

Will they hit the car in front?

Will they hit the wall?

Will they hit someone in the middle lane,

or miss everything?

What do you think?



Look at that.

That car literally
breathed in like a fat man

on the beach.

A miss!


Oh lordy, it's a zebra crossing.

In these parts,

crossing one means taking
your life in your own hands.

It's like playing Frogger for real,

but without the floating
logs and crocodiles.

This blue van is set on
mowing down some people.

So what happens next?

Will the van hit the running man?

Will it hit the blue sign?

Or will it miss everyone?

Let's roll the action and play.

Just missed him, but he's still running,

and everyone gets on with their days,

ignoring the terrifying
situation playing out in front

of their eyes.

I can't take any more of this.

It's too stressful.

See you next time, loyal fans,
when we play Hit or Miss.

(upbeat music)


The great lumbering elephants of the road.

The fat idiot cars that are
a vital part of our industry,

but they're also a bulky bunch
of boneheads who don't like

to mix with the rest of us.

Just like Frank Sinatra,
they do it their way,

and a lot of them are also
owned by the Mafia, allegedly.

But where there's a
truck, there's trouble.

And to prove it,

I've loaded up a lorry
load of lawlessness to show

you just what it's like in Trucking Hell.

Skips are just bins for show offs,

but all men secretly wish they had one,

and this guy certainly deserves his,

because his driving is rubbish.

He really shouldn't have skipped that red.

Trucking hell.

Throughout history, scientists have done

a lot of bad things.

They made rabbits smoke cigarettes.

They grew ears on the back of mice.

They even taught a snake
to drive this juggernaut,

and he's doing all right
considering he hasn't got any

arms or legs and has to
steer with his tongue.

Heaven knows how he's changing the gears.

Ah, you know it's nearly
Christmas when you see

the Coca-Cola lorry.

Yes, that's right, folks.

Holidays are coming, which reminds me,

I must get my wife Rudolph's horns!

Stand down your stockings, everyone.

Holidays are canceled.

You'd think Santa would
know how to drive in snow,

that bearded red idiot.

Just like killing a triceratops,

the key to killing a
juggernaut is to expose

its soft underbelly.

This brave little white
van has done exactly that,

and now it's time for everyone to turn,

slice open the belly of the truck,

and feast on lovely lorry meat

before the Tyrannosaurus Rex gets here.

Oh, just look at those spare ribs.


Now you might think the
visibility is bad here,

but this car is actually being
driven by a pirate wearing

two eye patches at the same time.

Looks like we're being boarded.

Hoist the main frame.

Arm the galleons.

Swab the poop deck.


Now there's poop all over the place.

Roger's not so jolly now, is he?

And finally, the best thing
about lorry crashes is

that the public get to steal
all the stuff that falls

out of them.

Oh, what's this one?



Oh, you've girder be kidding me.

What am I going to do with
four tons of reinforced steel?

Oh, trucking hell.

(car engine revving)

Coming up, find out why
the bigger they are,

the harder they crash, why if
you snooze you lose control

of your car, and why you should
never anger a gun fanatic.

Plus, we reveal what
happens next in this clip.

Trust me.

You'd be a fuel to miss it.

(car tires screeching)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier, I asked you what happens next?

Well, here's the answer!

Free petrol!

Quick, get your jelly cans.

It's raining fuel.


Well done if you guessed that.

We'll leave him dumbfounded,
reeking of fuel,

and just hope no one lights a cigarette.

"Should I Stay or Should I Go",

a 1982 song by The Clash,
and also the thought process

of every driver who's just
been involved in a very

minor road incident.

On the one hand,

you should stay to see how
much damage has been caused

for insurance purposes.

On the other, it's cold,

and you don't want to be
shouted at by a muscle man

with a bumper sticker which says,

I love punching people
very hard in the face.

Just to show that not all
dash cam footage needs

to involve oil tankers smashing
into each other at great

speeds, this next
selection of clips honors

this very dilemma.

This is Just a Scratch.
(car alarm wailing)

Warning viewers, this next
clip is incredibly violent.

Be prepared.


Everyone okay?

Just put your head between your knees

if you're feeling faint.

I wish my wife was that dirty, I'd say,

if my wife hadn't left me,

and I had any friends to say it to.

God, I miss her.


Look at this moron inflict up
to 36 pounds worth of damage

on this poor Ford.

Isn't it funny?

The less violent the bump,

the more angry the confrontation.

Can't we all just love each other?

Only one other car on the road.

16 years of studying
pointless car crashes,

I know where this is going.

Arctic fox runs across the road.


Or they simply gently
crash into each other.

When Bob the Builder's late for work,

he doesn't let anything get in his way,

not even other road users.

Can he prang it?

Yes, he can!

The guy in front is an undercover hit man,

and that guy's driving
skill is about as good

as our hit man's disguise.

And, off he goes,

leaving his car full of
assault rifles unlocked.

Safety first, people.

Up next, a centuries old love story

between a Nissan and a Toyota.

Ah, forbidden love.

Absolutely blows Shakespeare
out of the water.

It feels like the lorry up
front is having a little dance

with a car.

I'm a foxtrot man myself.

Occasionally, the macarena.

But this is ridiculous.

The green car squeezes
in front of the van,

so the van winds around it
and gives it a little nudge

to say, cheeky.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a motorway,

not a dance floor.

And finally, sometimes driving
is stranger than fiction.

For example, this lady
either has no control

over her vehicle,

or perhaps she's wanting
to play a rather dangerous

game of tag.

She's looking about.

Back a bit, forward a bit,

waiting to pounce on
some unlucky road user,

and here comes one now.

Will she?

Won't she?

Tag, you're it.

What do you mean you're not playing?

Okay, than anyone else?


Here she's hit the mother
lode, and it's game over.

But do let me remind you
people, driving is not a game.

Motorists and animals don't
mix, except when they do,

and when that happens, it's brilliant.

Look at that!

Now we have a tale of a plucky puppy,

an epic story of canine
courage, and doggy daring do.

Ladies and gentleman,

I give you the tale of
Baron von Fluffypants.

Road hogs are so last century.

These days it's all about road dogs.

Baron von Fluffypants here
has decided a three lane

motorway is the perfect place for walkies.

(upbeat music)

Yes, this dog lives his
life in the fast lane.

Luckily, a pair of super
cool biker dudes have given

chase, hoping to catch the
dog so they can get back

to doing what they do best,
wheelies and impressing girls.

Baron von Fluffypants has
got a bit of a lead on them,

though, and grabbing that
lead is key to his capture.

Oh, and that's a lovely
side step past the man

in the Christmas jumper.

What's he playing at?

It's July.

But the biker's had enough.

He's not going to let this
dog make a pooch out of him.

But Baron von Fluffypants
is pulling away again.

Will they every catch him?

What will happen next?

You'll have to come
back later to find out.

(tires screeching)

Superman has two hard
shoulders, but just one lane.

Lois Lane.

Motorways also have two hard shoulders,

but sometimes up to five lanes
depending on seasonal usage

and active traffic management systems.

But even superheroes check
their mirrors before they move

from one lane to another,

because you never know
what mayhem is lurking

either side of you.

This next batch of bumper
benders are a reminder

of the mishaps that can
happen when you don't

Stay in Your Lane.

It's always a problem if you
can't tell left from right.

In fact, that's why my father
lost his job as a surgeon.

Yes, he was always
cutting people up badly,

just like this idiot.

Hang on.

Is that you, Daddy?

I mean, Dad.

We all know you simply can't
put a square peg in a round

hole, but you can put a
square hole in the side

of your car if you change
lanes like a total berk.

When too much traffic tries
to squeeze into too small

a space, we call it a bottleneck.

And when a driver does the
same, we call him a jughead.

For a brief period in late
2014, some mad scientists

experimented with making
cars out of magnets.

As you can see, it was a stupid idea.

They've gone back to firing
weapons and dogs into space.

Next exit, Moscow.

And this imbecile must gom and
get his eyes tested, and read

the highway code, man.

In my imagination,

since leaving the Spice Girls,
Geri Halliwell has taken up

a job as a minibus driver.

Look, two become one.

Mel C on the other hand

now runs her own executive taxi company.

She needs to stop right
now, thank you very much.

I'll walk the rest of the way.

Oh, what a lovely postcard.

The boat, the bridge.

Forget it.

I'll just send an email.

And finally, look at all
these people clammering to get

a glimpse of the world's
largest block of cheese

as it makes its way to Italy.


Oi, stay in your lane, mate.

(car engine revving)

(upbeat music)

Have these bikers not caught this dog yet?

This is interesting.

A new tactic.

A pincer movement to trap
Baron von Fluffypants

between bike and car.

Slowly, slowly catchy doggy.


They've done it!

There's Baron von Fluffypants
back in human hands at last.

The man in the blue t-shirt
is absolutely ecstatic.

It's not even his dog.

He's stolen it to blackmail his ex-wife.

A few stern words of
advice from the biker dude

about responsible animal ownership,

and he's off to the pub with his mates,

equipped with a genuine shaggy dog story.

But you do have to ask yourself,

how the heck did that dog end up

on the motorway in the first place?

(upbeat music)