Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

In this episode, we delve deep and try to put our finger on The Trouble With Undertaking whilst also attempting to thoroughly investigate the Perils Of Public Transport. Once again we'll be asking viewers to don their deer-stalker, pick up their pipe and turn detective by joining us in trying to unravel the mystery surrounding another Crash Scene Investigation.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Day, more and more road users
are filming their journeys

(cars honking)

which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

(truck honking)

From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous, (dog barking)

the funny, (geese honking)

(car honking)

to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

(car tires screeching)

Put things right by pointing
the figure of blame.

(bell ring)

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

(horse galloping)

(car screeching)

And of course, there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes
when it comes to helping us

become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt.

So drive safely, not
everyone is this lucky!

(car screeching to a halt)

(harmonica music)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more outrageous road use from
Russia and Eastern Europe

that had it happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

of The Highway Code.

Article 267, when overtaking
do not cut in on the vehicle

you've just overtaken.

Article 223, give priority
to buses when safe to do so.

The one about not reversing
when there are other cars

behind you.

We've had a letter from a
well known breakdown service

saying their staff don't
tolerate aggressive behavior,

and our account has been terminated.

And a letter from the local bakery to say,

sorry there's no fresh bread today.

(harmonica music)

(car revving)

First up, undertaking.

The world over, it is the
preserve of douche bags

who mostly drive Audis, enjoy skiing

and wear their jumpers
around their shoulders.

They think that the rules of the road

don't apply to them.

Which is usually where
karma steps in and says,

nope, sorry, there's a price to pay

for your douche-baggery.

And that price is a high speed crash,

and higher insurance premiums.

Although not illegal,
undertaking is frowned upon,

like marrying your cousin.

Can someone check that please?

(glass breaking)

This is the trouble with undertaking.

(dramatic jazz music)

Observe this deviant.

To intention to undertake is there,

but competency level is not.

(car tires screeching)

If there's one thing
worse than an undertaker,

it's a failed undertaker.

Get in the bin.

Now we're onboard with the driver,

who seems to think the hard
shoulder is his personal

undertaking lane.

Look out! (car tire screeching)

You're undertaking the mickey mate.

(relaxing meditation music)

We see here, the Russian lorry,

in its natural habitat, the middle lane.

Observe its mating ritual,

slowly, delicately,

he approaches the female

and with a little tickle on her rear end,

sends her head spinning into
the central reservation.

Who could resist such a display?

Isn't nature magical?

(car horns beeping)

You know when you're
queuing at the post office

and the other queue seems
to be moving faster?

Never change queues.

Everyone knows that.

Now you have to exchange details

when you all you wanted
was a second class stamp.

(cars beeping)

This man has clearly
been heavily influenced

by "Back to the Future"

as he attempts to
undertake in the third lane

of a two lane road

before accelerating off
at 88 miles an hour.

Roads? Where he's going
he doesn't need roads.

This next undertaker
thinks he's in an episode

of "Knight Rider".

KITT, I'm bored of chasing criminals

why don't we just go for a spin today?

Certainly Michael.

(car crashing)

Computers eh?

Sometimes they just take
things too literally.

Here's how to make yourself
the least popular person

on any road.

Step one, rudely undertake everyone.

Step two, dangerously
cut back across traffic.

Step three, swerve around like a maniac.

And step four, sheepishly pull over

to think about what a tool you've been.

(trumpet music)

(bright music)

What if there's a line
of parked cars ahead?

Is not the thought that
occurs to the undertaker.

(car screeching) (crash)

Staggering, there goes the
grand high prince of ignorance.

And finally, we're on board a big truck.

Not even Evel Knievel
would dare to undertake

this bad boy.

(cars honking and screeching)

Oh hello Mr. Knievel, I
like your pitched roof.

(Mexican music)

(car screeching to a halt)

(computer noises)

Kojak, Ironside, Hawaii
Five-O, Car Crash TV,

what do they all have in common?

That's right, they're all
great detective shows.

Yes, super sleuths.

Welcome to another edition
of Crash Scene Investigation,

where you get to don
your overcoat and trilby

and work out what has caused the crash.

Look at this crime scene,

what has happened to this poor biker?

Is it A, this motorbike has
lost control on the wet road.

Could it be B, this Audi
has collided with the bike.

Or maybe C, the lorry has hit the fridge

causing debris to hit the biker.

The games afoot Watson,
can you solve the case?

(tapes rewinding)

(glass shattering)

(tires screeching)

That's right, it was C.

(tapes rewinding)

The crane on top of the lorry
collided with the bridge

knocking the poor cyclist off his bike.

(tires screeching)

Who'd have thunk it? Case closed.

(car screeching to a halt)

(car horns honking)

Next stop, everybody's had a shunt.

You might have been the shunter,

or maybe the shuntee.

Perhaps you were the bumper,

or were you the bumpee.

Either way every minute of every day,

we are smashing the
sprockets out of each other.


From rear-enders to fender-benders,

(car crashing)

you can be sure of one thing,

someone has been an absolute plum.

(car crashing)

This next helping of havoc,

is a fine cross-section of the world's

(cars crashing)

stupid shunts.

(electric piano music)

This driver is on his way to his annual

late night optician's appointment

but he's so caught up day dreaming

about how the ladies at
work are going to react

to his new Clark Kent horn rims

(car horn beeping)

that he forgets to
actually use his peepers

for what God intended.

Oh the irony.

Hold on, what's she saying?


Should have gone to Specsavers you shunt.

And talking of irony,

this driver in front has clearly decided

that the most efficient
way to have an accident

is to crash into a recovery vehicle.

Quickly, call the recovery--

don't worry, he's already here.

Look at that car, I wonder
how on earth it got like that

(car crashing)

Like that! Case closed Dr. Watson.

Queues at the supermarket checkout

can make buying fresh bread an awful job.

(car crashing)

That's one way to avoid the crowds.

(take rewinding)

(car crashing)

Now all we need is a toilet paper lorry

and that's the weekly shopping done.

And finally,

here's Russia's number one
circus entertainer Vladimir

taking his company clown
car home for the weekend.

(clown horn honking)

(Chuckling) Oh dear,

the patented squeaky steering wheel

is obviously built for
laughs, not maneuvering.

(clown horn honking)

And it seems the silly, squirty gearstick

is messing with his usually
flawless driving skills.

(clown horn honking)

But no matter, our clown's
finally mastered it

and made it across the lanes and

(car crashing)

oh dear, hopefully this
little shunt has activated

the built-in custard pie airbag.

I hope he hasn't gotten too
much cream on his spotted jacket

(car screeching to a halt)

Coming up, find out what
happens to this gentleman

on his snowy stroll.

Why these passengers
are dazed and confused

on a busy junction.

And we play our brand
new game, car pinball.

Plus, can you guess what happens next?

It's snow joke for that robot.

(car screeching) (glass breaking)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier we saw this naughty naughty robot

being put outside to think
about what he's done.

He probably went against
his master's orders

or was plotting a robot invasion.

But anyway, what's going to happen next?

(car screeching)

I could have guessed.

We all know that it's the idiot driver

who rules supreme in
these parts of the world.

There's no chance they're going
to let the robots take over.

Morons 1, robots nil.

(car screeching to a halt)

Ever seen a bus look surprised?

(bus crashing)

You have now.

Whether they're busy lording
it over lesser vehicles

or playing dodgems with cars,

(car crashing)

these public transport drivers
are always looking to squeeze

a little fun into their
otherwise relentless days.

Even if it means other drivers
are left out in the cold.

So viewers beware, this is the
perils of public transport.

This driver has watched too much

of the nineties cult classic "Speed"

before starting work in the morning.

Look, he's stopped Sandra Bullock.

Jump onboard Sandra!

Doesn't quite work when it's a
pensioner in the ice and snow

does it?

Hurry up Sandra, there's
a ticking bomb on here

and I'm not suppose to drop below fifty.

Bus drivers are notoriously fearless,

often playing random games of chicken

with each other on the road.

(bus crashing)

I think we'll have to call
that one a draw chaps.

Public transport in this part of the world

runs to a very tight schedule.

There's no room for
things like toilet breaks

or coffee breaks, lunch breaks

or you know, using their brakes.

Pink, a loud-mouthed pop singer

and one of the most highly
visible colors in the spectrum.

Who would ever miss something big and pink

invading their personal space?

(tram crashing)

Oh I'm assuming he's color-blind then.

The good thing about trams is
that unlike Britney Spears,

they never go off the rails.

(car horn beeping)

Oh dear, this one will be
getting his head shaved next.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next
stop on this route will be

(bus screeching to a halt)

oh well I suppose right here,

in the middle of this busy crossroads.

All change please.

Look at these poor confused passengers,

it's like a rubbish version
of the Abbey Road album cover.

It's movie time again
and here's some exclusive

behind the scenes footage from the film

"Fast and Furious 8".

Bus number 47 drift, Vin
Diesel in the driving seat

van diesel in the engine.

Get ready for the two
pound ride of your life.

(bus tires screeching)

Let's just look at that again.
(tape rewinding)

It's a handbrake turn
in a bus, how exciting.

Who says film franchises
are getting worse?

Finally, there's snow on the ground

this bus driver must be
on his way to his annual

public transport Christmas party.

He does look in need of a good blow out.


(tape rewinding)

And there it is, you can't
wheely blame him for that.

He's worked tirelessly
and it's been a good year.

Hey thank you.

(car tires screeching to a halt)

We all love pointing the finger don't we?

Yes, it's great saying

you sir, that was your fault

and riding off on our high horse.

Yes it's that time again,

don your most judgemental underpants

insist on being addressed as

(tires screeching drowns out speaker)

and put on one of those silly little wigs.

It's the BLAME GAME.

Right, whose to blame here?

(tires screeching) (buzzer)

Open and shut case this one,

the Quashqai went through a red light.

You're to blame with your silly name.

(fiesta music)

Next, whose fault's this?

(car screeching) (buzzer)

Aha! Well the more observant of you

may have spotted the red light.

The jeep-y thing, you're to blame!

(car crashing)

Off with his head!

Hmm, here we go waiting to cross

and whoops, whose to blame?


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

this black VW made an unprovoked attack

on the poor defenseless SUV.

You Passat, you're to blame.

(car crashing)

You are hereby sentenced
to look embarrassed

apologize and exchange your details.

And finally, green means go.

And whoops-a-daisy,


whose to blame?

Pretty clear really,

you gray car on the gray
road, under the gray sky.

You're to blame!

And that's it, court dismissed.

(car screeching to a halt)

These days, everybody
needs a back up plan.

(car tires screeching)

I have one, (car crashing)
after I retire from being

one of the world's
leading experts on driving

I will put my insight and patience to use

as a sensitive emotional therapist.

(car horns honking)

And it looks as though I'm
going to be filthy rich

judging from how rubbish
these next reverses are.

(cars colliding)

They'll need years of expensive psychiatry

(car horn honking)

this lot need (glass shattering)

a back up plan.

(Italian music)

The key to being a good backer upper

is to have a back up for when you back up

in case it all goes terribly wrong.

He must have really got the back up

of that poor Volvo driver.

Let's hope the traffic
doesn't back up around them.

See what I did there?

Right, now here we are waiting patiently

behind a red Lada

but what does that
sticker on his rear say?

Hang on, I can't see it properly.

Does it say ROSS, ROSE, RISE?

Let me take a closer look.

(car crashing)

Ah, thanks. It says RUS, short for rusher.

Thanks for helping me out
you friendly hooded reverser,

now pay for the damage.

It's the national long-legged
women championships in town

this weekend and no one
can focus on anything else.

(car crashing)

Oh, apparently there's
just been a car crash,

I didn't see anything.

Here's a lovely old gentleman
out for a snowy stroll.

Oh that was lucky,

that silver car nearly
knocked the poor chap over.

But hold on a minute,

(tape rewinding)

(car reversing)

And (tires screeching)

absolutely unforgivable,
at least he's up and okay.

Look viewers, what you're
witnessing here is a rare sight.

That's right, somebody actually adhering

to health and safety law.

Yes, this man is wearing a
fetching yellow hi-vis jacket

to make doubly sure that
the vehicles can see him.

(bouncy flute music)

I'd get your money back for
that coat if I were you mate,

it must be broken.

Parking can be so
boring, but not for long.

Experts in this part of the
world are trialing a new system

installing big tv's in car parks

for everyone to watch
while they're maneuvering,

seems to work brilliantly.

Lastly, we know not
everyone is as well versed

with The Highway Code as they should be.

(car horns honking)

But for Mr. Mercedes
here, it's no problem.

Rather than getting angry about it,

he's simply going to demonstrate
his advanced driving skills

by reversing down the
middle of a busy street

at 30 miles per hour.

Now that is proper driving!

(dramatic jazz music)

And I'm almost certain now that
he's blocked the culprit in

he's going to have a nice
friendly chat with the driver

and enlighten him on the finer details

of The Highway Code.

(car horns honking)

(car tires screeching and glass breaking)

Everyone loves a game
of pinball don't they?


You and I play it down at the old arcade

but some morons seem to want
to play it on the roads.

The object of the game appears to be

hit as many things as possible

and earn as many points as
you can, on your license.


So now, with 10,000 points up
for grabs for each collision

watch these drivers play a mean pinball.

(energetic music)

This guy on the right has a
big score on his mind, go!

(arcade game sounds)
one, two, three.

30,000 points, you berk!

Forgetting to brake will get
you a big score in pinball,

(arcade game sounds)
boom, boom, boom

30,000 points for you!

A little rain can cause a little pinball,

(arcade game sounds)
one, two, three,

30,000 points and wipe, thank you.

Look at all these ducks in a row,

whose going to get it?

Oh I am, multiball!
(arcade game sounds)

60,000 points! New high score.

A lot of drivers are
worth keeping an eye on,

(arcade game sounds)
told you,

50,000 points to you Madame!

(bouncy electric music)

And finally, this windscreen is filthy

but that won't stop a game of car pinball.

Aye oh, here comes the undertaker!

Too fast boys, too fast!

(arcade game sounds) one!

Oh nearly,

(arcade game sounds)

(arcade game sounds)

Got him again! 30,000 points!

And what do points mean?

Hopefully a six month ban.

It's game over folks.

(car crashing)

There is an old and wise saying,

if you love something set it free

but I would advise that you
drivers don't take that saying

too literally, especially
when it comes to tires.

They are an essential part of any vehicle

and in the wrong hands
can be a lethal weapon.

But these rubbery-o's
seem to be popping off

all over the place.

So we plunged our vaults
for the best clips

not very much money can buy.

Yes, for these motorists,
it's probably time to retire.

(band music)

This clip is from a little
known Russian show called

the ex tractor. (tractor crashing)

Such a shame, the wheels
came off his performance

at the last minute.

Back to the farm for you comrade.

Tires can be sneaky beggars,

one minute you're gazing
at an overhead banner

thinking about women handling big balls

when out of the blue, tire attack!

He got you good there,

he scores very highly for that attempt

and he's even found the
time for a lap of honor.

You win this round tire.

(truck driving)

This lorry attempts a neat one
two with the oncoming traffic

(boing sounds)

unbelievable tekkers.

This car deserves to get hit by a tire

for the state of the windscreen,

here it comes! Here it comes!

(car tire screeching)

Oh no, the car in front takes the bullet

what an absolute hero.

(relaxing music)
They say

watching gazelles on the plains
of the Serengeti is a joy,

but I don't know,

there's something pretty
special about watching

a tire bounding along
in its natural habitat.

Ah, the beauty and majesty
of the natural world.

Here on the right, this white
minivan sheds not one tire

but two tires.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said,

to lose one tire is unfortunate,
to lose two is careless.

And finally, it's another gray day

but one lady has found a unique way

of unpacking her shopping.

Step one, brake very suddenly.

Step two, veer to the left.

Step three, flip the car

and hey presto!

Your shopping's unpacked in half the time

as is your spare tire.

And does she look pleased?

Well she was going to do a roast

but she'll have to make soup now instead.

(Mexican music)