Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Today,
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

(car exploding)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard-mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.
(dog barking)

The funny.
(ducks quacking)

(cars crashing)

To the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about every mishap

you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

We play the action to
see what really happened.

And of course, there's nothing like

seeing other people's mistakes

when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one and that means no one,

is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(tires squealing)

(glass breaking)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more ridiculously outrageous road use

from Russia and Eastern Europe.

(glass breaking)

That, had it happened in
Britain, would have resulted

in the following contraventions
of the highway code.

Article 270, never stop on a grassy verge

except in an emergency.

Article 145, do not drive on the pavement.

You'd think that would be totally obvious.

And never attempt to play
pinball whilst driving.

Is that one?

Well if not, it should be!

Plus, we join a real life police chase

and watch the drama unfold
before our very eyes.

(cars crashing)

When people ask me how to
describe my turning technique,

I tell them, "It's just
like making love to my wife.

"Make as few unexpected
movements as possible.

"Get it over quickly, and try
not to spend the whole debacle

"looking embarrassed and
furiously apologizing."

Where was I?

Oh yes, the art of turning.

Dash cam footage has captured

just what a nightmare it can be.

And so here for your enjoyment

is a lesson in turning technique.

When turning, you're
required to use your mirrors,

signal and then maneuver.

At no point should you be rammed so hard

that your car's hat falls off.

So far, so promising.

He's indicating right
and waiting patiently.

Sadly, the other drivers on
the road are clearly playing

a kinky game of blindfolded turning.

(cars crashing)

That looks like a cozy threesome.

And my favorite bit of advice ever,

when performing a blind turn,

(cars crashing)

best not to do it into a policeman.

Enough said.

What do you call a man
who inexplicably tries

to jump over the grass verge?

A blithering idiot, that's what.

Or maybe numpty.

(car crashing)

What's the big deal about turning left

across two lanes of traffic?

I mean, do we really need lanes after all?

Ah, yes.

Yes, we do.

For this very reason, idiot.

And finally if all else fails,

just put your foot down.

I mean, what's the worst?

Ah, yes.

That's the worst thing that could happen.

(cars crashing)

Sometimes you're just
minding your own business,

and then out of nowhere,
you're on the wrong side

of the road with your no
claims bonus at the swannie.

Like magic, another vehicle appeared

and you never saw it coming.

Ta da!

So we've delved into our
vaults of dash cam clips,

and created a brand new
game where you, dear viewer,

get to guess whether
said vehicle will appear

from the left or the right.

Is the car quicker than the eye?

It's time to find out in

Abra Car Dabra.

Ah, a nice sunny day for a change.

A gentle drive through a foreign carpark.

Will he come from the
right or Abra Car Dabra?

A four by four.

Look, he hides behind
that bush and then bursts

forth like a dozy Toyota
driving David Copperfield.

Will it be left or right?

Watch the lady.

Oh, I thought...

A classic piece of misdirection

from the beautiful assistant.

Here's the magician himself.

Well done, sir.

Take a bow.

Now our next magician
will turn this windscreen

into mincemeat.

Left or right?

(cars crashing)

There you go!

Lovely pattern, isn't it?

Extra style points.

This clip leaves all
direction options open.

There's no one here.

There's a junction coming up.

Left or right?

Oh, okay, this junction has
crash written all over it.



Huh, have we picked the wrong clip

because I can see that bus-

Ah, straight ahead.

Well done.

Okay, left or right this time?

That diner looks like a nice place to eat,

and it's open.

(cars crashing)

Ah ha, got you again.

Abra Car Dabra, indeed.

A blur of maroon from the left.

At least you can get a
burger while you wait

for the tow truck.

(cars crashing)

Somethings in this world are just meant

to fit together.

(glass breaking)

Hands and gloves, gloves and sockets.

My ex-wife and her yoga teacher.

But when it comes to cars,

all sense of scale goes out the window.

We barge, we shove, we squeeze, we jam.

Yes, in this collection of clips,

it's all about precision.

Squishing and squashing
and squeezing ourselves

into many a...

(tires squealing)

tight fit.

If you think driving on the road is tough,

try driving in one of the grooves

of a bianneta.

Everyone wants a slice of the action.

Let's hope there's enough to go round.

This is going to be a tight fit.

(tires squealing)

Oooh, that was tighter
than my favorite leotard.

And now, in a rare rear-camera clip,

a story I like to call,
"A Tale of Two Lorries."

Charles Dickens, that was close.

(tape rewinding)

Can he not see the great big orange one

with the flashing lights?

If any of the cars on this road would dip

below 50 miles per hour,
Keanu Reeves will explode.

He's the no-nonsense, lycra-wearing cop

in Speed 3, Tight Fit.

It's so annoying when you
reach over to grab some popcorn

and you accidentally kneel
on the fast forward button.

Keanu Reeves in Speed 4, Fast Forward.

And now for a little life advice.

If five lanes on a motorway
aren't enough for you,

you will never be happy.

(cars crashing)

Nice try, Keanu.

Speed 5, Hard Shoulder.

And finally for you,
Keanu, it's the Matrix.

So take the blue pill or take the red pill

or take the red car.

(tires squealing)

I don't remember that bit.

(tires squealing)

Welcome to Hit or Miss.

Yes, it's our brand new
game where you, yes you,

must choose wisely.

Will it be a hit like Chesney Hawkes's

"I Am the One and Only?"

or will it miss like Chesney Hawkes's

everything I did after that?

Who knows?

This is Hit or Miss.

Ah, another sunny day on the open road.

When in the fast lane
of a three lane motorway

with no central reservation.

Still no one in their
right mind would ever-

Yes they would.

Well, Hit or Miss is the name of the game.

Does this idiot hit this car on the right?

This car straight ahead?

Or miraculously miss everything?

Play on, McDuff.

Ooo, how did he manage that?

It's a miracle.

A grotto must be built
on this spot immediately.

Next, bygone that's foggy.

And here comes someone on
the wrong side of the road.

Now, what happens next?

Do we inevitably hit the oncoming car?

Do we hit this pole?

Or do we hit nothing?



(horn blaring)

Clarkson's beard, that was close.

I thought we'd have that
larder in our teeth.

That's it, love, you have a breather.

A near miss.

Next, yet more gray skies and slippy snow.

And a moron coming out from the right.

But do we hit this moron?

Do we hit the unsuspecting
van coming the other way?

Or do we career into this
warehouse fill of katok?

Or do we miss all three?

What do you think?


(horn honking)


A spectacular spinny hit
and a bumper on the street.

Next, ah, some sun again, lovely.

Hmm, that's a lot of traffic.

It's like Mad Max out there.

But will we hit this twit?

This twank?

Or will we end up wrapped
around a chestnut tree?

Or, huh, highly unlikely,
we miss everything?

You decide.


(horns blaring)

Oden's brake pads, that was close.

I think I need to lie
down in a darkened room

with a brandy, a large brandy.

See you next time when
we play Hit or Miss.

(show tunes music)

(tires squealing)

In Russia, there are two types of rain,

light drizzle and quick build an ark.

And you can be sure as
soon as the heavens open,

the basics of road safety
go out of the window.

It's as if the rain somehow
gets into the driver's brains.

And short circuits all the important bits,

mainly steering, controlling speed,

and basic decision making.

Here are some tips of what not to do

in Driving Rain.

When driving in the rain, it's
important to take your time,

turn your lights on so
that others can see you,

and give other vehicles more space.

What you shouldn't do is
pull out at the last second,

speed into the central reservation,

and then ricochet down the lanes

at 80 miles an hour.

Silly boy.

At night, visibility is
even more of an issue.

One second your looking out of the window,

wondering who would win in a fight

between a bear and a wolf with a taser,

when all of a sudden.
(glass breaking)

You piled into some roadworks, you divvy.

And you feel ridiculous
because how is a wolf

going to even operate a taser?

Some drivers use rain

to show off their belegend driving skills.

(tires squealing)

No one likes a show off.

On your way, Darcey Bussell.

You'd think headlights would
make other cars easier to spot,

but not always.
(cars crashing)

That's gonna cost you.

This next guy's obeying the speed limit,

making good use of his wipers.

He's being a model citizen,

which is more than could
be said for this person.

I can't even fathom what
would have made him do that.

Apart from maybe finding
a cobra in his glove box.

The thing that struck me
first about this clip,

was the aggression of this
person's windscreen wipers.

They could break a man's
arm with one strike.

Anyway, watch this man lose
control of his backend.

(tires squealing)

Reminds me of my honeymoon
to Dehli, but we'll move on.

And finally, a new craze
is sweeping the roads.

Parkour for cars or Carcour or Parcar.

It's extremely expensive
and hard to pull off.

(car crashing)

Nailed it.

(cars crashing)

Coming up later on Car Crash TV,

we find ourselves in the
middle of a real life,

Eastern European police drama.

This driver just can't wait
to have his tummy tickled.

(glass breaking)

Plus, can you guess what happens next?

A car following a cement
mixer on a windy street.

If you have a hundred
guesses, you won't get it.

(tires squealing)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier, I asked you,
" What happens next?"

A car follows a cement
mixer, they come to a halt,

and the underworld opens up so Hades

can welcome the mixer and it's
driver to eternal damnation.

Or a sink hole.

You decide.

(cars crashing)

Sometimes you see something
that makes you think,

"Oh my Lord, that was very close

to being absolutely horrific."

For me, it's most Adam Sandler films,

but it does happen on the roads, too.

This is a look at some
of the luckiest escapes

in the ongoing battle between
the menacing motor vehicle

and the plucky pedestrian.

And what could have been a
terrible, terrible accident

actually ends up simply
being an amusing section

on a ratings-busting television show.

These pedestrians got a lucky break.

Here a man very narrowly
avoids being the meat

in a van sandwich.

Nearly had a nasty outbreak
of squishy van disease there.

This next clip shows some pedestrians

leaving a four by four
size gap between them

just in case.

(car crashing)

Let's look at that again
because that is uncanny.

Always be prepared.

They must be scouts or
psychics or psychic scouts.

Next up, a white car decides
to take the scenic route

in a middle lane of a busy motorway.

(tires squealing)

"But where's the lucky break,"

you're screaming into your televisions.

Well, dear viewer, let's
just wind that back

and have another look.

White car starts to veer
towards the people walking

down the hard shoulder and misses them

by approximately one inch.

A harrowing lesson for all
of you motorway ramblers

out there.

Next, what happens when
two idiot drivers intersect

on a graph of idiocy?


(glass breaking)

Let's have a look at that again.

(tape rewinding)

And once more, the
innocent pedestrians escape

with nothing but a beating heart

and a badly discolored pair of chinos.

Just another sunny morning,
the sky is blue-ish.

Birds are singing.

Pedestrians are crossing, and
cars are still on a mission

to wipe pedestrians from
the face of the planet.

Once more, the survival instincts
of the common pedestrian

evident for all to see.

Yes, it seems that lucky breaks like this

are commonplace in these parts.

(tape rewinding)

See, as both pedestrian and
motorist continue on their way,

like a near collision never even happened.

And finally, here's U2's
guitarist, the Edge,

out for a morning stroll.

I'm a big fan of U2, but this
lass must be a super fan,

flashing her undercarriage like that.

(tape rewinding)

You should know though,
dear, that these streets

do have a name and that
bit's called the pavement.

(cars crashing)

Have you ever had one of those dreams

where you're just driving
along when all of a sudden,

a policeman jumps into
the back of your car

and shout at you to "Follow that car"?

And you say something
cool back to him like,

"Let's bring the noise."

And he high fives you,
and then you both shoot

your guns in the air.

I have.

Well, sometimes dreams can come true.

Watch the drama unfold

in one of my favorite dash cam moments.

Buckle up for a real life police chase

in a clip I call Follow That Car.

(police sirens blaring)

We ride with our hero,
when a lunatic flies by.

Just misses one car,
swerves all over the road,

and nearly hits another
car that's been stopped

by a police officer.

The villain of the piece spots the copper.

There he is.

And in a panic, inexplicably
reverses away from him.

The wrong way down the street.

(truck horn honking)

And hits a lorry.

What drama.

The driver of the lorry is
furious and leaps from his cab

to have a quiet word, but
the culprit is lanked.

Just then, the out of breath copper jumps

into the back of our hero's car and says,

(foreign language).

And all of a sudden, we're
thrown into a real life

cops and robbers car chase.

Stay tuned to see if
our hero gets his man.

(cars crashing)

Section 163 of the UK
Highway Code dictates

that you may overtake only when it is safe

and legal to do so,

but some people want to get home

because Russia's Got Talent is on,

featuring bear that can play tennis.

These people take matters
into their own hands.

(cars crashing)

They put their pedal to the floor

and worry about the consequences later.

Though more often than not,
those consequences involve

a high speed collision just
two seconds afterwards, morons.

This lot are the Brainless Overtakers.

This is mind bogglingly stupid.

The car we are in is overtaking.

The car he is overtaking
is also overtaking.

Look ahead.

Everyone is overtaking everyone else.

And the problem is it's hard

to spot the person turning left.

(horns blaring)

Fortunately for this overtaker,

he survived that near miss,

and he can carry on with overtaking.

(horns blaring)

Get out of my overtaking
lane, you stupid truck driver.

Often there are clues
around you, which tell you

when is and when isn't
a good time to overtake.

Clues such as these.

The man in the white car has
chosen to ignore these clues

and continue with his
stupid plan of driving

towards the oncoming traffic.

Let's see how it pans out for him.

(cars crashing)

Hmm, not that well, which is so strange

because he was indicating and everything.

(cars crashing)

Sometimes driving can be

a deeply meditative, relaxing experience.

Just you and the trees and the road

and the brainless overtaker
trying to cuddle a lorry

on a corner.

Let's take another look at that.

Ah, it's quite sweet really.

Like one of those internet photos

of a cat cuddling a mouse.

It's the National Lorry
Overtaking Championships,

and the white car in front
has put in a solid start.

But wait, up ahead,
someone is going for gold.

If impatience, verging
on death wish means gold.

(horns honking)

It's a classic two lorry bisect
with tidy reverse finish.

Surely, a guarantee of a pony in place.

This next god-fearing overtaker

was simply looking for a sign.

(car crashing)

And he found one.

God truly does move in mysterious ways.

(car crashing)

Finally, on a positive note,

sometimes overtaking can
bring people together.

This clip was filmed by a solitary driver,

sad in a lowly Labi.

Now he has some company.

Get your coat on, mate.

Let's have a chin-wag.

(cars crashing)

Earlier in our real life
episode of Follow That Car,

this naughty swerver spotted the copper,

making him reverse in
panic and hit a lorry.

We're now in the front
seat with the old bill

in the backseat, speeding
after our villain

as he makes his way

through an unnamed Eastern European town.

(foreign language)

We see the perp bizarrely
obeying traffic signals

just ahead.

Does he think that if he
suddenly uses his indicator

people won't realize he's
left a trail of destruction

behind him?

(foreign language)

The officer yelling the
make of the car on the radio

in the backseat.

This is literally the most exciting thing

to ever happen in this part of town.

But the baddie's car
is clearly clapped out

and smoking from somewhere vital.

He is forced to pull over,

and our brave boy in
blue and high vis yellow

jumps out to arrest the fiend.

Well done citizen.

Your work here is done.

Your city is in your debt.

(upbeat music)