Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Episode #2.14 - full transcript

Our driver's spacial awareness is put to the test with some questionable results as they produce some absolutely Barking Parking, before we invite them to put on their sequins and take to the floor.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day,
more and more road users

are filming their journeys.

Which can often end in disaster.

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

(upbeat music)

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

And of course, there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no-one and that means
no-one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely, not
everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on Car Crash TV.

Despicable and deplorable
driving from Eastern Europe

that had it happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

on the Highway Code.

Article 239, if you have
to stop on the road side,

stop as close as you can to the side.

Article 111, never assume
that flashing headlights

is a signal inviting you to proceed.

Use your own judgment
and proceed carefully.

Article 98, be aware that towing a vehicle

on a tow rope is potentially dangerous.

You should consider professional recovery.

And some more advice from my guide

to meeting the perfect partner.

Always dress to impress.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(upbeat music)

Throughout my life,

I have loved nothing
more than a good puzzle.

I progress from fitting round pegs

into their respective holes as an infant

to reaching level 20 on Tetris.

To sitting back with a nice cuppa

and tackling a 5,000 piece
puzzle of Buckingham Palace

on the dining room table.

Yes, knowing how to fit the right piece

into the right space is my forte.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said

of the stars of this next set of clips.

Yes, get ready for some
truly barking parking.

Everyone knows it's harder

to find a parking spot in the city

than steak and chips at a yoga retreat.

And that's why it's important to take it

before someone else does.

Even if that means driving
through other cars to do so.

Slippery, icy roads mean one thing,

no, not being careful and
driving slowly into spaces,

testing out that handbrake
turn into a space.

Like you saw on the
latest Transporter movie

yep still got it.

Gently does it Gerald, gently does.

Now Gerald, that was not
the definition of gently.

I've always thought that rear
view mirrors are overrated.

I mean think about all
the other cool things

you could put in that space instead.

A disco ball, a mini art deco chandelier,

I mean what really is the purpose

of a rear view mirror anyway?

Okay point taken.

(upbeat music)

And you join us as an alien race

make their crucial first contact.

But have they come in peace?

Will they be our friend or foe?

I know this is a momentous moment

but don't let me distract you,

just leave it there
man, they're attacking,

run for your lives!

Often, parking can be such
a slow and mundane process,

that it's worth trying something new.

Like doing it at 70 miles an hour

whilst throwing an
impromptu firework display

and making someone else join you.

I know it's unorthodox mate but be honest,

this is way more fun.

And finally this clip was filmed in 1970

when I was actually on
tour with Led Zeppelin.

(upbeat music)

That happened at our
bus a few times as well.

(tire screeching)

In life, all you need is a bit of luck

and if you're lucky, you can
create a hit like this show.

Trailing a blaze across the channels,

leaving all other clip shows in its wake.

Or, if you aren't so lucky,

you might have a miss on your hands

like my one man show at
the Edinburgh festival

entitled how to be popular.

Only two people attended,

and they were both related to me,

thanks aunty Carol and cousin Bob.

Though you could have stayed to the end.

And luck comes into play on the roads too.

See, free WiFi, what luck.

So what better way to celebrate this

than by creating a fun
filled game all about it?

You know the drill by now people,

an imminent accident and
a car crash conundrum.

Yes, it's hit or miss.

Look at those two having a
little kiss, aw young love.

This isn't some European art house film,

but will this black beast
kiss the green goblin,

really ruin our couple's day?

Or avoid an extended
stretch in the slammer.

What's that?

What, sorry I was just
watching these people kissing,

it's hypnotic.

Now, look at this, this is rare.

A Porsche driver actually
using his indicator,

but is posh Peter and his pretty Porsche

about to have his day ruined?

Will he roger the red rascal?

Bump the black belter,

or will his precious
Porsche remain unscaved?

I hope not, hold tight.

It's a hit, yes, that'll
teach you to be successful

and have nice things.

Red lorry, yellow lorry is
a serious tongue twister,

but in this case, the red lorry
is a serious pants browner.

But are we about to twist
our car around the chassis

of this trucking idiot?

This innocent bystander or
perhaps the Gods are with us

and we'll miss completely.

It's going to be close.

Hallelujah we missed, wait, no we hit.

It's both, it's our first ever maybe.

And finally, here's a
fun fact about trams.

They're the only mode of
transport that rhymes with hams.

Now how's that for trivia?

But this hunk of ham seems
to have missed his signal.

There's a crushing
inevitability about this one.

But will he hit this silver
saloon, the blue estate

or defy the laws of physics
and miss completely?

Holy ham on a tram,

looks like they'll both be going home

in a roadside recovery van.

Wait, van sort of rhymes
with ham too dammit.

And is it me or has that guy not moved

since this clip started?

Seriously, can someone check he's okay.

(tires screeching)

No-one is born with infinite
wisdom and knowledge.

No my friends, it takes
time, practice and effort

to become good at a particular task.

And only then can someone
truly learn the art of a skill.

I repeat, no-one is born with
infinite wisdom and knowledge.

However, some people are born

with just a smidgen of
common blooming sense.

This lot unfortunately possess neither.


Hold up your L for loser plates

and cast a judging eye
over the learner drivers.

The funny thing about trying to execute

a three point turn with
other cars around you

is that you normally need to wait

until you enough room
to make three points.

One point behind you, two
points directly into the side

of this bloke.

Yes, R I P point three.

Ah the beautiful Venice skyline,

isn't it majestic?

Remember when driving on canals

that liquid plus surface
equals glide effect.

And the man wearing a
liquorice all sort says

dah dah, call me.

Isn't it nice that this cigarette company

has been good enough to build the towers

on their factory to look
exactly like cigarettes.

Why yes I will have one thank you.

These days, it only
takes a matter of seconds

to order a cab on a phone app.

But this guy's invented a
way to do it even quicker,

those dot com wizz kids are so clever.

God I'm bored with this traffic,
let's just get the tram.

(upbeat music)

Sometimes you see someone
do something so stupid,

there are literally no words.

(upbeat music)

Here at Car Crash TV, we
see a lot of weird things.

Phantom trees.

(upbeat music)

Octogenarian dancers.

(upbeat music)

Tempers exploding.

(upbeat music)

Roads exploding and water
bursting forth from the hole.

(upbeat music)

But we'll just get on
with the driving tips.

Like how to reverse uphill
without wasting any petrol.

It's a very simple solution,

stop all the traffic and
massively inconvenience everybody

until they're forced to help you.

(upbeat music)

Easy really.

When I think of dancing,

it brings to mind a collection

of automotive disco fever classics.

Turn the beat around, don't
stop 'til you get enough.

Don't leave me this way.

Funky town.

(upbeat music)

Boogie wonderland.

(tires screeching)

And of course, I will survive.

You've guessed it, it's time
for strictly car crashing.

Ooh ring my bell!

Good evening and welcome
to strictly car crashing

where our first contestant
is wasting no time

in busting out this American smooth.

Just look at him throw
out that huge rear end,

so metropolitan.

A touch with his partner,
beautiful concentric spins

and yes, that's a double Cuban kiss

with the two support dancers, marvelloso.

And a slow, graceful,
semi pirouette to finish,

that is certainly going
to take some beating,

what a start, eight!

Ice dancing next and I love
those sequins on the dashboard,

a lovely touch.

That's a feather step
reverse turn, just beautiful

and some people are on the dance floor.

They think it's all over

and it might well be now.

What a fantastic display of
strong bold curves, nine.

And now a Viennese Waltz.

Smooth, sophisticated entrance,

a perfectly executed turn.

(upbeat music)

As he steps aside to let the judges past.

Wonderful, wonderful stuff, it's an eight.

Next up in the buzzy techno
category, street dancing.

(upbeat music)

And if I'm not mistaken,

he's popping, he's
roboting and he's locking.

Perhaps a little too much.

(upbeat music)

What a shame,

it's over now and the dance
floor is frankly ruined.

What an appalling mess, nil points.

This is more like it,

bold, swaggering jive steps.

A generous touch and neat, tight spins,

a superb seven 20 there
and they bring their hop

to a jitter bugging end.

Outstanding, and we have
tonight's champ with a 10.

And that's all from
the ballroom this week,

until next time, keep crashing.


Still to come on Car Crash TV.

Relationships come to the fore

as a car and a lorry find
a special connection.

Whilst this car and
trailer file for divorce.

(upbeat music)

But first a question and a clue.

What happens next?

The answer will hit you right in the face.

(tires screeching)

Welcome back to your last
bumper slice of Car Crash TV.

So have you worked out what happens next?

Well, let's let the action do the talking.

(upbeat music)

Oi, the lights are on green,

pick up your shopping and move along!

(upbeat music)

We all love an action packed trailer,

and here's one right now!

When you go to the cinema,

they always play too many
before the film though.

(upbeat music)

What a beautiful escarpment on the left,

and a delightful near
miss with a Juggernaut.

You want to clean your windscreen friend.

(car crash)

Why, if I'm not mistaken,

this is St. Tropez and
in the spring no less.

Anyway, back on track.

This my friends is tow the line.

First it's Delboy being towed by Rodney.

I've paid them 30 quid to
transport a chandelier for me.

Looks like it's going,

great, so that's my blinking
chandelier up the swanny.

Worse still, I had 400 inflatable dolls

in the back of there too.

They'll all be punctured and all,

get out of the man you plonkers.

I want my 30 quid back sharpish.

This clip's in IMAX and
the detail is staggering.

(tires screeching)

Look how crystal clear that
broken old trailer looks,

magical stuff.

We've all heard of self driving cars,

well let me introduce you to
the new self driving trailer.

I've not sold many,

but I hear the transport police
are very keen to talk to me.

(upbeat music)

We've all heard of horse boxes,

well let me introduce you
to the new kangaroo wagon.

I've not sold many,

but I hear the RSPCA are
very keen to talk to me.

(upbeat music)

The act of towing is a
three way relationship,

just like my marriage.

You've got one person
pulling, that's my wife,

you've got the one being
strung along, that's me.

And the stretchy length
that's come between them,

that's her yoga teacher

who I've started legal
proceedings against.

Anyway, here the bloke behind
is the one being strung along

and what did it get him?

A voiceover job on a
show about car crashes,

oh sorry that's me again.

(upbeat music)

And finally, I leave you
with the heartwarming tale

of a plucky young trailer
with a small wheel base

but big dreams.

Who threw off his shackles
and had ventured out

into the big.

Oh turn your eyes away
children, oh the humanity.

And as the trailer slips
off its mortal coil,

the hub cap savors one final dance.

Goodnight sweet prince.

(car engine revving)

Some things in life as hard to predict,

coin tosses, the weather,

people driving at high speed
on the wrong side of the road.

But sometimes you just have an inkling

of how it's all going to pan out.

For this guy, it was when
his career hit the skids.

(car screeching)

For him, when his life
spun out of control.

And for this fella,

it was when he did a
crazy overtaking maneuver

in a wobbly van that somehow worked out.

So peel your eyes and
get ready to prophesize

because for this next collection of clips,

it's up to you to decide
how it'll all end.

This is shame or style it out.

Ding ding, round one.

Good idea, undertake at
high speed on snow at night.

How can this possibly go wrong?

Is it going to be shame or
will he style this one out?

Play on.

Oh look he's gone with
style, no wait shame.

The horrible, humiliating shame.

Round two, more speeding now.

61 kilometers an hour
round a corner in snow,

have we learnt nothing
from the previous clip?

You know the drill, shame or style?

Play on.

We clearly have a more
accomplished driver here

as he styles it out beautifully.

There's a pylon in literally
every single clip we show.

Round three, live from Paris.

Driving down the Champs-Elysee

with a quintessentially
French Citroen up ahead.

But will our cheeky French
chap be shameful of stylish?

Play on.

(foreign language)

(car tire screeching)

There's baguettes and
berets all over the road,

(foreign language) etc, etc.

Oh le shame.

Final round now and it's a white boy racer

and we're back on the white
stuff too, here he goes.

Shame or style my friends?

Play on.

See how he flies from the
road faster than a flash?

And flies back on the road
and nearly has a crash!

All while wearing incredibly
tight pants, it's shame.

And that off road excursion

will have seriously damaged
his undercarriage, ouch.

In a modern society,

where we're all so
conscious of our aesthetic.


It's important to teach people

that size doesn't matter that much.

Big or small, fat or thin,

we're all people and
should be treated equally.

When it comes to cars though,
size definitely matters.

Can I fit into that parking space?

Is that hairpin bend going
to accommodate two cars?

If I travel at an immense speed
through that lorry and van,

am I going to come out the
other side a human pancake?

Sometimes you just have to know

when to admit it might be a tight fit.

Now, I've always been
partial to a big behind.

Often, I'll sit at
traffic lights like these

daydreaming about one.

Normally in those dreams though,

an idiot in a gray
estate doesn't burst out

of said behind taking my wing mirror

on an impromptu holiday
from the rest of my car.

Getting into a tight gap with a lorry

is a lot like fitting into a pair of jeans

you used to wear when you were 21.

You need to have self-confidence,

you have to give it some wellie

and don't be too surprised if a bit of you

ends up falling out when it
all gets mushed together.

In life, there are those who
dare and those who don't.

Unsurprisingly, those who
dare are often the same

as those who dish out
their insurance details.

Whenever I see someone who
already has a broken taillight

I tend to keep my distance.

It's not that I assume
they're a bad driver,

it's just that I, okay, no I
assume they're a bad driver.

The saying goes every day is a school day.

And that's never more true
until you've yet to be schooled

in the art of stupid, speedy overtaking.

This guy obviously learnt that
at night visibility is key.

If you've accepted that you're too stupid

to use your mirrors,
just make your car yellow

and hope other road user's
reflexes will do the rest.

After the success of Cool Runnings,

the Jamaican bobsled
team took their skillset

to rally car driving.

Cue embarrassing training montage of them

learning the ropes.

(upbeat music)

No-one wants to be stuck
behind a bus in traffic.

No-one also wants to be
stuck inside the front

of another car's bonnet

caught between a bumper
and a hard place my friend.

On the downside,

this pillock took off
our poor driver's mirror.

On the plus side, he got his comeuppance

just a few short moments later.

Have we learnt a lesson young man?

Car Crash TV, entertaining and
informative you're welcome.

(upbeat music)