Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Episode #2.13 - full transcript

We'll be shining the light on those drivers who simply can't do things by the book in Not The Highway Code before celebrating some people's good fortune in Lucky Pedestrians.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Everyday
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,
which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous


the funny,

(car horns)

to the down right dangerous,

the thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world,

have captured just about every
mishap you could think of.

Now we are going to delve
into this tressure trove

of stupidity, on the roads.

Put things right

by pointing the finger of blame.

We play the action

to see what really happened.

And of course, there's nothing like seeing

other peoples' mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we
show, no one, and that means

no one is seriously hurt, so drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(cars crashing)

(upbeat music)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crush TV,

more crazy calamities

from the roads of Russia
and Eastern Europe,

that, had they happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

of our beloved highway code.

Article seven, it is safer
to cross using a subway,

a foot bridge, an island,
a zebra, pelican, toucan,

or puffin crossing.

(car horn)

Article 231, drive extremely carefully

when the roads are icy,
avoid sudden actions

as these could cause loss of control.

Article 126, drive at a speed

that would allow you to stop
well within the distance

you can see to be clear.

(truck crashing)

the one about mirror signal maneuver.

(car crashing)

And from chapter two of my guide

to meeting the perfect partner,
always make the first move.

(upbeat music)

(car crashing)

The highway code is more than just a book,

it's a way of living.

And I don't mind telling you,

it's my best friend.

I know all his secrets,

and he well he's a book, but I love him.

People say rules are there to be broken.

But these aren't rules,

they're an exquisite blend of models,

logic and technical geekery

that make driving great.

And all 307 of them have
been rudely violated

by the uncouth dunderheads
we profile on this show,

but now I'm fighting back.

(soft trumpets)

It's finally time for me to throw the book

at these troublesome twerps,
in not the highway code.

(slow upbeat music)

Rule 170, do not cross or join
a road until there's a gap,

large enough for you to

(car crashing)

do so safely.

Is that the children
shroud I see performing?

(slow upbeat music)

Rule 165, a slightly obvious
and easy to follow one.

You must not undertake.

(car crashing)

This is the 17th episode of this show,

have you people learnt nothing?

That is some vibrant high vis chaps.

Before entering fog, check
your mirrors and slow down.

Otherwise just like this numpty,

(car crashing)

you might end up meeting the
back of a stationary coach.

Now fog off.

(car crashing)

Rule 239, if you have
to stop on the roadside

for any reason, you must
ensure you do not hit anyone

when opening your door.

(car crashing)

Oh well done, Einstein.

How hard is it to look in the mirror?

You've got one attached
to the flaming door.

It's right in front of you for Pete sake.

Still, nice of the camera to dress up

like the phantom of the opera.

Watch out for that Pigeon!

Look, I am the highway
code's biggest champion.

And rule 144, you must not drive without

reasonable consideration
for other road users

is in my top three rules.

However, when the fate of
the pigeon is at stake,

the rules and the code
go out of the window.

Will someone please check on
the health of that pigeon?

Good, they're getting out.

No don't argue, the pigeon
man check on the pigeon!

Oh thank you humanity.

And finally rule 306,

motorcyclists should take extra care

when crossing wet tram rails.

Hang about, is he a
motorcyclist or a storm trooper?

(car crashing)

Rosemary and Thyme, Hetty
Wainthropp, Miss Marple,

you might think I'm reading

from the latest edition off country life.

And when I not talking to you,

rest assured I would be.

There's a fascinating article

in this month's edition on
making your own damson jam.

But my subscription won't pay for itself.

No, I'm talking about some
of the most formidable

and hard-boiled detectives
ever to graze our screens.

and they'd have no problem at all

unraveling another crash
scene investigation.

We're out in the sticks
for today's mystery,

and the snow will clearly
have played a part

in creating this mess, but
which of these vehicles

also had a part to play?

Is it, A, the blue van
that's dismounted the road?

Is it B, the silver SUV?

Or is it C, the silver car
cozying up to his mate?

As Hetty Weinthropp says,
'let's solve this mother!'

(car crashing)

Of course it was A, the blue van.

Not really sure what he
was trying to do here.

Undertaking the lorry perhaps?

Sadly, we will never know the why

but at least we've solved the who.

Now, would anyone like
to sample my preserves?

(car crashing)

(upbeat music)

Luck is defined in the dictionary

as success or failure
apparently brought on

by chance rather than
through one's own actions.

Just as well one person in these clips

was able to take action,

otherwise this would be
a whole segment about

the art of Ken, vanilla flavor.

(car braking)

This lot are luckier than a killer whale

in a tropical fish shop.

They are our lucky pedestrians.

(upbeat music)

Random pedestrians walk
illegally across major road.

(car breaking)

Pedestrian at fault,

obviously goes over to check
that the driver is doing okay.

And oh no my apologies,

he goes about his medi way

because time is money.

And in fairness it's 50% off at Gerbil.

Skinny jeans, I think we have a hipster

ladies and gentlemen.

Safe Man?

Or not so safe after all.

You see an absolute moron,

who almost causes a major traffic accident

because he's too lazy and self centered

to cross at a safe location.

I see a friend,

testing out whether your hand-eye
coordination and reflexes

are still up to scratch?

(car skidding)

You're welcome sir.

Uh oh!

It's Russia's answer to George Michael

and he's got the munchies again.

The zone ends his favorite
convenience store.

Now just because you become
a bit long in the tooth

doesn't mean you're not powerful anymore.

I mean just look at this
agent member of the X men,

nothing is going to stop
him crossing the road,

and if he has to use

good old fashioned powers of telekinesis

to move that oncoming
lorry out of the way,

he will.

(upbeat music)

"I just wanted a nice calm
walk in the woods", she said.

"You'll be getting a terrifying
walk in the woods", he said.

"you're a complete..."

Well, we can't repeat what she said next.

30 degrees, it must be toasty on board.

Hope that's not making the driver sleepy.

You wait around all day for
your bus to finally come

and then it arrives when
you least expect it.

That sir, is not a very nice jacket.

What are you thinking?

(car crashing)

Coming up on Car Crash TV,

the temperature plummets
and so does the common sense

of our drivers.

(car crashing)

(upbeat music)

We find out what happens,
when you forget to reattach

your locking wheel nut.

And there's magic on the menu

as once more we play abracadabra.

And if that's not enough
to rev your motor,

then you need to ask
yourself what happens next?

(car crashing)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

So what did happen next?

Well it's a little known fact

that ladders like to hunt in packs.

So this duo were willfully
short on numbers,

and it's unlikely,

they will be able to
find enough sustenance

to see out the harsh winter.

But wait, who's this eager Beaver?

(car crashing)


Three makes a pack.

There's hope for these ladders yet.

Now get it in gear,

and let's see if we
can take down a Subaru.

(car engine roaring)

Ice, or as it's also known, dead water.

It's the slippery scourge of our streets

that simply doesn't take no for an answer.

When the roads get icy, things get dicey.

And there's nothing any
driver can do about it.

If you are expecting gripping friction,

you've come to the wrong place.

Get yourself to the glue shop punk,

because this next pack of prangs

is all about the skidding and sliding,

and the spinning and striking

that rear their ugly heads

when you're driving on thin ice.

(upbeat music)

First a little glimpse into the future.

Welcome to New Year's Eve, 2100.

♪ for dwell, the Clintons beat...♪

Well done Caton, you spilled my champagne.

A little tip now for people
who use those taxi apps

on their phone, never turn it on

when you're inside another car.

Talking of tips, he's not getting one.

Now, if you look very
closely at this clip,

you can just about pick out
a camouflage military truck.

Yes, there it is, spotting
that was quite the challenge.

I don't know how they do it.

Military technology is
absolutely incredible these days.

It's no wonder we're
so good at having wars.

Wait, I've lost it again.

Yes there we go gentlemen, I salute you.

(upbeat music)

Ah T-34,

(car horn)

the exact number of T's I made

for the plumber this morning.

I know its thirsty work
but 34 is taking the mic

and frankly, it was very
rude of him to ask how

that latex dog costume

got down the toilet in the first place.

Now there's a secret to
driving when it's icy,

and that secret is to get
someone else to do it for you

preferably in their car.

That way when things like this happen,

you don't have to foot the bill.

Hang on that is my car.


Scientists have spent
a lot of time and money

trying to work out what causes
awful weather like this.

But they needn't have bothered

because these exact conditions
are the direct result

of an Englishman getting his
barbecue out of the shed.

Seriously, all this
global warming nonsense

could be knocked on the
head if more English people

tried to have barbecues.

Carbon footprints, shmarbon shmootprints,

bring me a potato salad,

and a damn sausage.

And finally, if we can learn
one thing from all this,

it's that if it's cold
outside just tell everyone

you've got a runny bottom then stay in,

because it'll be less
messy and less embarrassing

than driving on the thin ice.

Evening ladies.

(car engine roaring)

(upbeat music)

We use the word magic
to describe the things

we simply don't understand.

Rabbits pulled from hats,
bullets caught in mouths,

Ben Affleck's career.

And driving the roads
can be just as confusing.

You think you know what's going on

until the wool is pulled over your eyes

by a motoring moron.

It might look like they
appeared out of thin air

but in reality they
always come from the left,

or the right, and guessing which one

is all part of the fun.

So ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats,

and prepare to be astounded

for the amazing Car Crushini

is back with his hit show, Abracadabra!

I'm the remarkable Car Crushini,

formerly the amazing Car Crushini

and the great Car Crushini
due to tax reasons.

But for my first trick,
these two voluptuous vehicles

are about to become three.

But from whence will the third appear?



For my next trick,

I shall need the help of my
glamorous assistant Martin.

Yes, Martin's a man

and it's very sexist of you

to assume a glamorous
assistant has to be female.

But will Martin materialize
from left or right?


From the left, and going backwards.

You've earned your fee today young buck.

When I click my fingers,

your screen will be filled

with a big orange truck.

Let's say the magic words together,

(foreign magic word)

From the left just like that.

For my next trick, I have
plucked a hole in the sky

and molded the clouds

into these three silvery chariots here.

There is a fourth hidden up by sleeve

along with my tax bill.

Magic word time again, Zulu row!

Yes, it was up my right sleeve

might just give that tax
bill a little looksee

and pop it back up there

that doesn't make the good reading.

What's this?

A standing ovation,

oh friends you really shouldn't have.

Now pick a side any side you like.

Those of you that picked right,

congratulations you win.

Well nothing actually, just that warm,

fuzzy feeling of achievement.

Good bye.

Have you noticed that all the people

that get out of cars in our
clips are utterly terrifying?

I mean would you cross this guy?

(car crashing)

Tires, they're just
circular shoes for wheels.

But without them, we'd be in big trouble.

Stop, let's see that again.


Carry on.

They give us grip to keep us on the road.

Shock absorption to drive it smoothly,

and protection to keep our wheels turning.

Put all those things together,

and you've got a very important car part.

So why do some drivers

find it so hard to keep them attached?

Sit back and see if you
can work it all out.

This is, Time To Retyre.

Tires are utter cowards

at the very first sign of trouble,

they'll always run away.

(car horn)

(car crashing)

Just look at this lily
levered loser legging it.

It was only a minor scrape.

And if cowardice wasn't bad enough,

tires also namby pamby little cry babies.

I'm free, this is it, I'm running away,

finally, I can, cold, cold, cold, cold.

Please take me back sir.

Some people even like to
use their tires as weapons.

(car horn)

Direct hit!

Excellent shooting left tenant.

Now let's get out of here.

On second thoughts,

pop into that garage and
get me a Guinness, pasty,

and some cheesy puffs.

Oh look, we're just in time
for the orange tank rodeo.

Now I've said a lot of
bad things about tires,

but I will give them this.

When they fall in love,

they become truly inseparable.

Just look at this young couple.

Their parents disapprove of their union,

but they're making a go of it anyway.

The time he cheated on her
with an inflatable dolphin

is long forgotten, and this
rubber Romeo and Juliet

roll off together into the distance.

Totally committed to each other

and their dreams of raising
a family of young hula hoops.



(car crashing)

If there's one thing I hate
more than online shopping,

it's offline shopping.

I hate shopping, there, I've said it.

Which is why I have the utmost respect

for the countless delivery drivers

that ferry packets of tat
up and down the country

to eager beavers, desperate
to fill their wardrobes

with the latest collections.

(car horn)

It's an unenviable job,

But someone has to do it.

And there's little wrong

they can do in my eyes.

(car crashing)

Not all of them are winners though.

Some of them more, special delivery.

Great visibility on this clip,

can we adjust the brightness or something?

No, no, never mind.

After a long day of delivering
other people's products,

when you're heading home
on a beautiful sunny day,

the blue skies calling you

to the back garden like a sultry siren,

a fresh ice cold beer
awaiting your excitable grip

in the fridge.

Well it's not always possible

to do the simplest of tasks.

Like looking directly in front you.

Put that beer on hold darling,
I might be here a while.

No one likes a late delivery

and the only thing between this lorry

and his intended destination,

is the front of this
little car turning left.

Sorry, was the front of this
little car turning left.

Delivery drivers are
notoriously territorial

and will do anything to
keep others off their patch.

(car crashing)

Even going so far as to block entire roads

to maintain dominance.

Lovely framing, well done.

(upbeat music)

If a delivery track wants
to make up for lost times

stuck in rush hour traffic,

often they have to make
the difficult choice

of offloading some of their cargo.

(cargo falling)

Fair enough, mate.

You just leave it right there.

Often I find myself wondering

how exactly my family estate car

would handle some off-roading.

This thoughtful chap likes
giving other motorists

the chance to find out firsthand.

(car crashing)

Hang on, can we rewind a second?

That is absolutely ridiculous.

Oh, carry on.

Being a good delivery
man for a building site

is about knowing where the
materials should be dropped off.

For instance, concrete is best kept

somewhere cool and shaded.

And remember to always keep it moving

to ensure a smooth and effective delivery.

(car crashing)

When I was a lad, I'd dreamed
of being a pinball wizard

as well as dreaming about this weird dog

that was also a shoe but
that's not important right now.

The point is I love pinball,

so much so that I decided to force it

into the format of this show.

Yep, it's my baby and I'll do what I like.

So I've handpicked a host
of multi impact mess-ups

which show that for some drivers,

it's all about beating their high score.

So buff up your bumpers,
flex your flippers,

and tilt your tables, as we're
about to get down and dirty

with some serious pinball.

Okay folks, let's pull back that plunger

and let the pinball begin.

Release the green lotta!

Here we go, there's the
first bumper and oh yes,

we've gone multi ball.


My balls at all over the place.

Four bumps, 40,000 points.

I like these ones,

cool, moody and futuristic.

Like pinball meets PS4, a real
21st century gaming platform.

Fire the ball!

Oh, it's a poor launch.

Not much zip, we'll have to hope

for some serious rebound here.

Oh dear, oh dear,

just 30,000 points.

Let's go again, fire.

Go on, hit the taxi.

Yes I hate taxis.

Stick that up your fast
lot you miserable get.

This is a busy board.

Loads of points available, and release.

Yes, it's the spiral ball.

This could go absolutely anywhere.

(car crashing)

Slap my spinners, it's a truck multiplier.

Yes, he smashed his car up
but he's won 60,000 points

and the new high score.

(upbeat music)

60,000 is gonna to take some beating

but let's reload and go again, fire!

40,000 points!

And finally, the secret to
being a pinball champion

is to know exactly the right
moment to flip your flipper.

There it is, and double
points for doing it

right in front of the
police, flipping brave.

(fast upbeat music)