Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Episode #2.12 - full transcript

In this show, we head to the Wild West and time how long our riders can stay on the road in another round of Off Road Rodeo.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Everyday, more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

Dashboard mounted cameras are constantly

recording our behavior on the roads.

From the bizarre to the ridiculous,

the fun to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands of dash cams

around the world have captured

just about every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve into

this treasure trove of
stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

We play the action to
see what really happened.

And of course, there's nothing like

seeing other people's mistakes,

when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.

And, please remember, on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely, not
everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on Car Crash TV, despicable

and deplorable driving in Eastern Europe,

that, had it happened in Britain,

would've resulted in the following

contraventions of the highway code.

Article one four six, adapt your driving

to the appropriate type and condition

of the road you're on.

Article one nine four, allow pedestrians

plenty of time to cross,
and do not harass them

by revving your engine or edging forward.

Article two three one, check your grip

on the road surface when
there is snow and ice

by choosing a safe place to brake gently.

And from my gentleman's
guide to etiquette,

do not, under any circumstances,

wear a brown short sleeved
shirt during daylight hours.

(tires squealing)

(cheerful accordion music)

I'm mesmerized by this drop
of water on the windshield.

Where's it come from?

It's sunny anyway!

Trucks, or truckers, that is the question.

Just who are the real idiots here?

Is it the fast vehicles that are to blame?

Or the despicable drivers?

It seems on the road these days,

you're never far from a lumbering lummox

of a lolly, ready to barge
in and ruin your day.

And, it's a well-known fact that

when trucks and truckers get hasty,

things get trucking tasty.

So, put on your mesh caps
and honk your big horn

as once again, we spend
some time in trucking hell.

The most terrifying bit in scary movies

is when the monstrous
bad guy suddenly turns

and looks us right in the eye!

Jenny, he's seen us, run
away inexplicably slowly!

Trip over anything you can!

Trucking hell!

Some people like to name their car,

as they think it has its own
personality and feelings.

I recently named mine Liberacci, big fan.

You might laugh, but
they do have feelings.

Just look how sad this truck is.

Don't you just want to take
him home and cuddle him?

So cute.

Ah, the blind spot.

Remember, if you can't see their mirrors,

they can't see you.

And if you can't see them in your mirrors,

then they're a vampire, and you should

get the heck out of there.

People think that all builders do

is sit around listening to dreadful music

and harassing passing women.

But here's proof that sometimes,

they like to go for long, relaxing drives

in the golden evening sunshine,

whilst listening to dreadful music

and harassing passing women.

And remember, if in doubt, after crushing

someone's car, just
carry on your merry way.

Here we are, on a special motorway,

designed with sideways driving in mind.

You sir, have executed that perfectly.

You can come again.

We'll finish with a magic trick.

Or should I say, a magic truck.

Now take a look at this truck, sir.

Are you happy it's a normal truck, sir?

That I haven't tampered
with it in any way, sir?

Very good, very good.

For that truck is about
to become two trucks!

Ay, thank you, ay, thank you.

But wait, there's more!

Three, two, one!

In a puff of white smoke, the second truck

has magically disappeared!

Trucking hell, sir!

What a wonderful trick!

And what a trucking
great moment to end on.

Truck me sideways.

(tires squealing)

In every accident, there's a guilty party.

And in some parties, there
are guilty accidents.

But the less said about my
naked barbecue, the better.

Basically, no one enjoyed the sausages.

But when it comes to car crashes,

it can sometimes be hard to work out

who's the Wally that's
committed the folly?

So rather than be
irresponsible and childish,

we've turned car crashes into a serious

and educational, interactive game

that's fun for all the
family, and promotes honesty.

So, get ready to find fault
and reveal responsibility,

as we play another round
of "The Blame Game"!

Welcome to "The Blame Game", everyone,

lovely to have you with us.

You join us at an extremely red light.

Now, this is interesting.

But who's to blame here?

Is it the blue buffoon,
speeding home for dinner?

Or, this maniac taxi driver?


Yep, it's you Deniro!

Yes, I'm talking to you!

Well, I'm the only one here!

The light was red, and you jumped it!

Yeah, I know it's green now!

Yes, I'm talking to you, are you deaf?

This takes me back to my honeymoon.

Long, sunny days, passionate nights,

and an unfortunate incident
with a Swedish masseuse

that I'd rather not
discuss for legal reasons.

But, who's the boob in
this particular booboo?

The rickety rig, or the lovely Lada?


Well, actually, it's the sun.

You can't shine as bright as that

and expect to get away with
it, you big, gassy twerp.

Grow up!

Now, just look at that monument!

There really is no better
way to remember something

than by building a big pointy rock.

But where should the pointy
finger of blame be jabbed?

At the bikers for creeping
up the blind side of a lorry?

Or at the brown car, for
cutting through moving traffic?


Take that, you brown burg!

Even if the lorry did let you out,

you have to check the coast is clear!

Right, who gets the blame for this?

Well, strictly speaking,
the idiot local council.

A crossroads with no traffic lights?

No give-way lines, it's
a recipe for disaster!

Shame on you!

But this white wally was going too fast.


Right, that's it!

I'm off to find my head in North Bay.

But, I'd start writing letters,

because once again, this
junction has been designed

without even a gnat-sized
shred of common sense.

I mean, what are the council thinking?

There are eight lanes, there are trams,

no turning restrictions,
a single set of lights!

There's even a woman dressed as a banana!

And now this!

Who's to blame?

It's impossible to tell!

Literally everyone!

But I suppose we'll have to
pick this junction box idiot.


Okay, just take a deep
breath and calm down.

Say the happy words.

Highway gold, highway gold, highway gold.


Ah, that's better!

But who's at fault here?

White van man, or the little blue car?

Yep, look, he's running away already,

because he knows he's to blame.

Go learn about junctions, you jerk!

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is your blame game!

(tires squealing)

(car alarm sounding)

Romance is writhe and all
around us, my friends.

We are catapulted into each others lives

sometimes with such drama, you
have to wonder if it's fate.

The thrill of someone
arriving into your life

that you never expected to meet.

The excitement of a chance first meeting

with stranger that takes your breath away.

Feeling that tingle across your body

after a cheeky pinch of your bumper.

You can find all this romance, drama,

and excitement in our next
segment, "Thrills and Boon".

She had turned a corner in life.

She was on the way to her beautiful,

enchanted, orange castle.

The last thing she expected was to come

face to face with her magic blue prince.

Blue, small, and perfectly formed.

And then, as quickly as he had

come into her life, he was gone.

So long!

It seems like these
days, wherever you turn,

you're sure to run into a pair

of star-crossed lovers bumping heads.

Well, at least they
get to be together now.

Often, the first time
you feel a connection

is that first kiss, soft, sensual, warm.

Oh, lovely besos amore!

A lot of people find love
in a cities nightlife.

The thing to remember is that intimacy

can often come around
when you least expect it.

As if by magic.

Most people in this world
just want to be held.

Held tight, held close, held accountable

for sliding their motor
into the front of yours.

Romance isn't dead yet, folks!

Sometimes our affections can be refused,

and that's when you make a decision

to either move on or pursue
the object of your affection.

I love you, my darling.

Be mine forever.

Run not away from my soft caress.

But walk hand-in-wheel with me,

across the pedestrian crossings of life.

(tires squealing)

(cheerful banjo music)

Driving off road is
like stinking of manure.

Unless you're a farmer,
it's not really acceptable.

But some people find staying on the road

harder than staying on a horse that's just

spotted a buy one get one
free deal on sugar lumps.

And there's simply no better
way to demonstrate this

than to round up a collection of clips

and gratuitously pretend
the drivers are competing

in a mid-western American rodeo contest.

Yes, let's see how long
these next motorists

will be able to keep it on the road!

So, fire up the hog roast,
pour a big glass of moonshine,

and shout yee-haw, because
this is "Off Road Rodeo"!

(cheerful banjo music)

Well, howdy hoe-downs,
folks, and welcome along

the 14th annual Off Road Rodeo,

sponsored by Jim Bob, Johnboy's

Chicken and Waffle Emporium.

First contestant tonight is Hank Senior

Junior, former professional hog wrestler

who likes to dynamite
gofers in his spare time.

But just how long can
hank stay on the road?

He's looking all strong and steady so far.

But never count your trucks before they--

Holy horn-swaggling honey fugglers!

He's clocked up a mean 27 seconds.

Hank Senior Junior will
be happy with that, sir.

Yes sir, sir, yes sir, partner!

Next up it's Chad Dexter, heir
to the great Dexter Dynasty,

driving a car he stole from

an episcopalian church chili cook-off.

But is the lord above with him?

Well sell or fry my saddlebags,

it appears Chad hath been forsaken!

Just 11 seconds on the clock.

Hot heck, that was bad!

Oh my, here comes one of the big names,

Cody Dwayne Jerry Nathan
Gump Junior, the second.

Seven seconds!

Big name, big disappointment.

This is Zeke Rooster Maker,

fresh from a two-year jail term

for smuggling corn dogs into Mexico.

And he's been tagged!

He's losing it!

Well, whack my whistle
berries, just eight seconds.


Now, hold onto your hog roast, y'all.

This should be good.

This is Sherman Guacamole, returning after

a five-year hiatus, which he spent

building an arc in preparation
for the great flood.

He has 48 animals in the
car with him tonight.

Will that affect his time?

Yes, siree, it will!

That's 15 seconds for Sherman!

But he'll sure as high
heckins earn a bonus point

for going so far off that road!

And here comes one of his
wives to congratulate him.

So, our winner for this Off Road Rodeo

is Hank Senior Junior.

Congratulations cowboy!

Don't forget to join us next time

for more "Off Road Rodeo"!


(tires squealing)

Still to come on "Car Crash TV",

we've discovered a simple
cure for hemorrhoids.

And find out what's given
this woman a headache.

But first, there's a small
matter of what happens next?

(tires squealing)

Welcome back to "Car Crash TV"!

So, have you worked out what happens next?

Now, I don't know about you,

but when I finish refueling my car,

I'm heading to the garage to pay,

I pop the hand brake on
as a matter of course,

safety first and all that.

But it seems this gentleman
forgot the basics.


I'd pop back in and grab
yourself some teacups, sir.

I'm sure that'll buff right out.

And while you're there, grab me

a melting mo-bread pork pie and a bottle

of cupped rice cider.

I'm living the high life tonight!

Dianna Ross once sang
she was in the middle

of a chain reaction, referring of course,

to her pioneering research
into neutron-induced fission

in artificial nuclear reactors.

But she also meant that
one thing leads to another.

When something happens, there
are always repercussions.

And on our wonderful roads, that means

one crash often causes more crashes.

I like call them repercrashins.

Use it if you like.

Ooh, lovely Christmas trees.

So, strap yourselves in for this next

collection of cock-ups, and get ready

to watch the pileups pile up,

because this is "Chain Reaction".

Trams are what happens when
a bus makes love to a train.

Yes, it's disgusting.

But will the government
do anything about it?

Will they heck?

Similarly, bus stops are what happens

when a shed makes love to a public toilet.

Yes, sure it looks nice,

but the smell, ladies and gentlemen.

Ah, what a wonderful day for a drive!

Oh my god, there's a
dinosaur eating a house!

Run for your lives, everyone!

Wait, stay still!

They can't see you if you stay still.

Quick, someone phone a paleontologist!

Only a fossil nerd will be able

to fight and kill these enormous
relentless death lizards.

Now, that was unsettling, sorry everyone.

Hang on, what's that long, bendy neck

I can see up ahead?

Sorry, just a street lamp.

And are those beach huts?

How radical.

Ah, the Lada Kalina.

That's what I call the
hoover in my pantry.

Because it's a larder cleaner.

Oh, forget it.

Ah, now, here's a treat.

A clip from my favorite
film, "Gorillas in the Mist".

Yes, this is the classic scene,

where Dian Fossey catches
up with a gorilla,

who's stolen a--

It's another Lada Kalina!

What are the odds!

A lot of people think
superstitions are nonsense,

but look at this, 18, 18, 18.

That's three times six, six, six.

And guess how many people are about to be

involved in this crash.

Yes, four.

Like I said, superstitions are nonsense.

And a quicky to finish,
remember fancy a chain reaction?

Just tap on those brakes.

(tires squealing)

Let's play a little
game, shall we, my chums?

I'm going to show you
the aftermath arguments

of an automobile accident,
and you are going

to guess who was responsible
for causing the crash.

That's right, can you spot the jerk?

Sounds good to you?

Be sure to watch for subtle hints,

such as angles of impact,
the spread of debris,

and the big purple veins popping out

of the foreheads of
these disastrous drivers,

in "Vorsprung Jerk Technik"!

Afternoon ladies.

I don't mean to be ungentlemanly,

but you appear to have
parked your ruddy car

on top of my motorbike.

Yeah, but no, but whatever.

'Cause I was like, looking
for a place to park

and then you were riding
your motorbike and whatever.

Because Sally Sows is a proper lying cow,

and she told me I could park

on any motorbike I like, so shut up!

Sorry my dear, parlez-vous anglais?

This motorcyclist has
clearly come a cropper.

But who do you think is the jerk?

Is it the ladies in the
car, or the motorbike?

Let's look at who wins the plonker plaque.

Nice clear road, car
thinking about pulling out,

but they've seen the motorcycle.

They have seen the
motorcycle, haven't they?

I don't think they've seen the motorcycle.

Well, now they've seen the motorcycle.

And that's right, it was
the ding bats in the car

who pulled out without
due care and attention.


Not another flipping migraine!

Here, sweetheart, you got any aspirin

in that motor of yours?

Sorry miss, I'm afraid not.

Oh, come on!

Don't be stingy rotten swine!

I've got daggers in my bolts here, love,

and all I want's a couple of aspirin!

Sorry miss, I'm afraid not.


If I didn't have a mariachi
band inside my noggin,

I'd make you sorry all right!

But was it really a migraine that caused

such a headache for poor
old pat pusher here?

Or did the car we're on board
with cause her headache?

Let's see, shall we?

Yes, well it was poor
driving on Pat's part!

Maybe that'll whiplash her
driving back into shape.

(tires squealing)

Riding a motorbike is very much like

looking at my internet search history.

There's a lot of black leather,

and it's the reason my wife left me.

That and her yoga instructor, of course.

But, for over a century, motorbikes

have been the most popular way

of showing you're a cool dude,

having a mid-life crisis, or simply

wanting to grow a mustache,

whilst perfecting the art
of luging inside tunnels.

So, I've dug into the clip vault

to show you the very best of cool bikes

being ridden by uncool people.

Because let's face it, some of us

secretly hate motorbike riders,

and want to see them fail.

So, zip up your leathers, and
hug me awkwardly from behind,

as we take a ride with some scary bikers.

No matter how cool and awesome you think

riding a motorbike makes you look,

you're only a pothole away
from looking a total trat.

Rolling down the road with your bum crack

poking out the top of your trousers,

oh my word, brown brogues with blue jeans.

That just makes it 10
times as embarrassing.

You'll be telling me he's
wearing a cravat next.

Still, the ensemble has
clearly caught this lady's eye.

Now, here's a little fact about bikers.

95 percent of them drive so fast

because the throbbing of the engine

between their legs makes
them really need the toilet.

Take this guy, for example.

He's nobbled himself on these cobbles,

but why was he going so
quickly in the first place?

Well, he manages to drag
himself to his feet,

and what's the first thing on his mind?

A poo.

Oh, lord, someone help him, please.

Good news, everyone!

Strip-o-grams are making comeback.

But now, rather than your house,

they'll come to your car.

This young buck has just tracked down

his hen party and here we go.

Ooh, yeah, you take that glove off, boy!

Now the other one!

Ooh, off, off, off!

Oh my god, Sharon, he's
touching his helmet!

I can't even!

The other exhilarating thing
about riding a motorbike

is how easy they make it
to skip through traffic.

Ah yes, the wonderful sensation

of darting past stationary drivers.

Yes, and sometimes darting
straight into them.

Whatever floats your boat!

Queuing for fuel is really boring,

so this innovative garage
has hired stunt performers

to entertain the customers.

And that is spectacular.

A wonderful landing.

The only downside being that your stuntman

has done eight grand's worth of damage

to one of your customer's cars.

Still, stake slices are half-priced today.

And now for a little eyesight test.

Up ahead into the far distance,

there's a massive white bus.

Take a look, can you see it?

Sadly this biker couldn't,

and he's made a real spectacle of himself.

Sorry, that pun couldn't be any cornea.

I've lost my focus.

My opia happy.

And finally, they say that a bad workman

always blames his tools,

but this gets a little confusing

when the workman himself
is a bit of a spanner.

You spanner!

The problem is a lot of workmen just

don't understand their tools!

But luckily, I'm here to give you a little

guide to the motorbike.

Okay, so there's one wheel there,

that's the other one.

We've got a seat, that's
the motor, I suppose.

Right then, nailed it.

Pick it up, let's go.

(cheerful bouncy music)