Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Episode #2.11 - full transcript

In this show, we'll be celebrating those who think that size is important in 4x4 Fails before changing gear completely in order to marvel at some truly Rubbish Reversers.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(upbeat music)

[Chris] Everyday more
and more road users

are filming their journeys

which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras

are constantly recording
on behavior on the roads.

(horn blows)

From the bizarre to the ridiculous.


The funny to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're gonna delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

We play the action to
see what really happened.

And of course there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one and that means no
one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely not
everyone is this lucky.


(guitar music)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

more calamities and catastrophes

from the roads of Russia
and Eastern Europe

that had they happened in Britain

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

of our beloved highway code, article 151,

in slow moving traffic
you must not change lanes

to the left to overtake.

Article 202, look carefully
before you start reversing.

Article 242, you must
not leave your vehicle

or trailer in a dangerous position

or where it causes any unnecessary
obstruction in the road.

From my son's physics text book.

To change the momentum of an object

you can apply greater
force over a shorter time.

And from tops off, fists up,

my guide to bare knuckle
boxing, always strike first.

(tires squeal)

(upbeat music)

When you finally pass your
test and start out as a driver

on the big city roads,
you feel like a winner

and then inevitably you
end up failing and losing,

everyone does.

If it's not your fault,
it's someone else's

and you will end up tasting
the sour taste of fail.

Most people fail once or even twice

and if they're really unlucky,

they might feel the trinity of failure,

the holy fail if you will.

But beyond that is another
tier of utter calamity.

Behold the four by four fails.

(upbeat music)

There's a haunted rumor going around

that people who drive four by fours

are entitled to think
the road belongs to them.

Well I can inform you that
that is completely true,

road equality failure my friend.

Sometimes people don't
necessarily fail at driving

in a straight line properly,

they just fail their eye sight tests.

(tires squealing)

Aye, aye, get it, as in eyes in your head,

okay, that was a punt fail.

This road failure wasn't
even the fault of the driver.

It was entirely down to
sewer dwelling superheroes,

the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

who dug a new hole into
their subterranean abode

after a pizza-fueled bender,

half wits in a half shell.

Now this chap is clearly a student

of the ancient art of fail jujitsu

which relies on the skill
of surprising your target

with your stupidity.

Did I say student, a master, surely.

Folks often fail to see
other people's point of view

and that can result in
them busting heads together

or bonnets, same thing.

Nothing irks me more than
failure to show politeness.

After you sir.
(horn blows)

No after me sir.

Shame on you, stealing a
man's right of way like that.

Will perhaps he'll pull over and yes, yes,

maybe general decency hasn't
found failure after all

or perhaps he's going to fail
to notice he was in the wrong

and will blame the mental
capacity of the driver behind.

Well, now we're failing to even see

what they're arguing about.

Well I guess they failed
to come to an agreement.

At least those hazard
lights haven't failed.

(tires squealing)

Who remembers 80's TV
classic, "Magnum PI,"

the PI stood for private investigator.

Though to be honest I'm not really sure

how much investigating Magnum actually did

in between driving his
Ferrari, combing his mustache,

flying around in TC's helicopter

and arguing with Higgins, but I digress.

Point is he was an investigator

and now I ask you dear viewer
to follow in the footsteps

of Thomas Sullivan Magnum the fourth

and see if you can solve another
crash scene investigation.

Magnum does his sleuth thing in Hawaii

but I'm afraid we've
stumbled across a mystery

in a much less glamorous locale.

Three saloons have been rendered immobile

and strewn asunder across the asphalt

but which of the three is responsible

for this motoring mess?

Is it saloon A on the left,

is it saloon B sitting in the middle

and wreaking of guilt or is saloon C

on the right with his
bonnet buried in a ditch.

It's time to unlock this mystery box.

(tires squealing)

Of course it was saloon B, he
looked shifty from the start.

Higgins make me a Mai
Tai and pass the ukulele.

Tonight we celebrate.

(tires squealing)

(horn blows)

Do you sometimes feel as if
your future is behind you?

(upbeat music)

Perhaps you sense that
everything is back to front.

Can you hear what is behind you

calling to you when you
try to move forward?

Are you constantly looking
over your shoulder for danger?

Well maybe you've got the
blooming gear stick in reverse

in which case please for
the love of taillights

use your mirror before
you put your foot down.

Otherwise you might end up
doing some rubbish reversing.

(upbeat music)

Some days are just so mundane,

and then on other days you
get a full dose of good luck

and bad luck in one sitting.

Narrowly miss collision with bus,

rapidly plow car into guy behind, typical.

Leaving the school nursery
can be a trying time.

The kids kicking off in the back lively

until you find yourself
screaming one peep out of you!

Fortunately the kids on
board this car are behaving.

Our silver friends, though, wait,

wasn't she in "The Exorcist?"


Time waits for no man
when you got the munchies.

A snack attack is imminent
and waiting around

for a free parking space
is totally exacerbating

that tummy rumble, am I right?

Only one thing for it my hangry friend,

reverse into this bloke's bonnet

and when you've exchanged
insurance details

pop into the world famous three
Michelin starred Aouep Kebab

and grab me a lamb kofta,
a couple of falafels

and some baba ghanoush.

Listen right, there's two
of them and one of me,

I'm out of here.

Oh blimy, what am I gonna
do now, I'm trapped?

I know I'll genetically clone myself

to take them on, perfect.

Let's see how they like
this double team, hey?

(upbeat music)

He'll never make that three
point turn in that space.

Ah touche squire, didn't
realize you were just

going to create an extra two feet

behind you like that, genius.

Listen, everyone is
susceptible to occasionally

not looking where they're going.

Poor judgment and the lack

of utilizing your mirrors properly

affects everyone, whether
you're young or old,

working class or
aristocracy, male or female,

a normal bloat called Super Mario.

Wow huge fan, my man.

While I got you any advice

on how to defeat the
big boss on level nine

of the Game Boy classic "Mario
and Luigi Superstar Saga?"

It's been vexing me for years.

Okay class, my favorite
nail salon, Abto Monka

is 90 meters on the right

but rule number one of a busy junction,

if you find yourself do to congestion,

blocking the center of the junction

ensure you remove yourself
quickly and carefully.

Rule number two of a busy junction,

ensure no one is behind you

when you quickly remove
yourself from the busy junction.

That would be an F for you young man.

Reversing is all about
taking it nice and slowly.

Unless of course, you
found out your partner

has been having an elicit
rendezvous in the backseat

of their new car.

In which case it's full steam ahead,

see you in divorce court.

(tires squealing)

(upbeat music)

Coming up on Car Crash TV,

we celebrate the drivers
who somehow manage

to crash all by themselves.

But first something's about
to roll onto this road

but can you guess what happens next?

(tires squealing)

(upbeat music)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

What I bring you is nothing less

than a modern day fairy
tale from this tranquil,

enchanted forest, a
love story between a man

and his Pirelli 245 radial run flat.

But theirs is a forbidden love,

frowned upon by society

and whilst our heroine
tries to bury her feelings,

a hero refused to bow to convention.

Come back my darling,
don't roll away from me,

will she return, we will never know.

(tires squealing)

(dramatic music)

Every Romeo has his Juliette,

every fish has it's chips,

every traffic warden has
a superiority complex

and every car crasher gets free cake.

But there are a select few
who are so good at crashing,

they don't need anyone else's help

to achieve greatness.

These are the solo artists,

the drivers with such
a passion for pile ups,

they dedicate their lives
to expressing themselves

and a variety of car
components all over the road.

This next batch off bugs have not only

gone it alone but done it to
the very best of their ability,

fair play to them.

We'll be marking each solo
performance out of 10.

And yes I made it all by myself.

Hang on a minute, can we back up a sec.

Look at that, reversed
and spun across the road,

mind blown, right, carry on.

(slow music)

Ideal competition conditions, snow, ice

and poles next to the road.

Let's try overtaking at
speed, or not, eight points.

Next contestant, let's twist again.

(upbeat music)

What a competitive performer,

he must be up for a high score

following that gratuitous maneuver, nine.

Next up from Devon, it's street storm.

Here he comes, he's
going to for a 360 spin

and then a 180. (tires squeal)

There's the cake and there's the icing.

This young buck has a big future

and that's why he's also
known as the Tornado,

definitely not damaged,
young man, you're good to go,

a solid seven.

Next up, it's the catchy name 90A1 991,

what's he going to pull?

(tires squealing)

Whoa, she's not even in the game, a six

but an unofficial score, I'm afraid.

Next time be sure to
register with the judges.

It's a tricky move to get right

but if you can nail it,
the diagonal snow scrape

can be a winner.

(tires squeal)


(upbeat music)

You've got to admire a
contestant who will go it alone.

It's Van Morrison, famous for his love

of brown eyed girls and
orange fenced road works.

Wowser, baby please don't
go, I'll give you a seven.

And finally a piece

of sheer gratuitous automotive inanity.

No motive, no means, no
opportunity, no reason, no point.

(upbeat music)

But he still did the crime, however,

we'll never know why.

Six points for your trouble, young man.

(tires squealing)

(dramatic music)

My grandfather used to say
life is a game of inches,

he said a lot of other things too

and I never looked at my
grandmother in the same way again.

Oh and when it comes to
car crashes it's true.

An inch here or there
can be the difference

between a close shave and a colossal shut.

And on this show we like nothing more

but to probe the microcosmic difference

between mere miss and
calamitous collision.

So keep your eyes peeled and get ready

to measure for leisure.

As we play get another round
of the three time winner

of most insensitive game of the year.

It's Hit or Miss.

(upbeat music)

An urban cityscape to rival
Venice or Rome, check.

Complicated junction, check,
adverse weather conditions,

check, total flaming
maniac, yep there he is.

Looks like we've got
ourselves a classic hit

or miss situation.

But this is this crimson
kreaton going to hit or miss

this old blue, hang on
that's my aunt Susan,

no, auntie please?

Holy hubcaps that was close.

That car is my inheritance,
if I can't profit

from Susan's passing, if it's smashed,

she's so selfish sometimes.

Okay so not much to hit here really.

But anything is possible on this show.

So are we going to hit
this yellow delivery truck

happily going about it's business?

Will we hit this building
with it's world record

holding tower of toilet rolls

growing on it's roof or will we miss?

Let's play the action.


And it's a hit, somehow
despite there being

literally acres of
empty road, some people.

And now it's everyone's worst nightmare.

Nope, it's not being
stuck in a lift with Bono,

it's this head on half wit overtaking

with the reckless urgency
of a man trying to get

out of a fault lift with Bono.

But will we make his beautiful day?

Will he find what he's looking for?

Will the stripey central
reservation be the one?

Or will we miss?

Hold me, thrill me, miss me, sue me.

(tires squealing)

Wow that was a close
one, yep that's right,

you take a little breather.

(upbeat music)

There's a bonus point available here

if you can name the flag on the dashboard

as well as of course tell us

if we're going to hit this SUV.

Hit this SUV, this silver camper van,

this beautiful turn of the
century Bel Air pop lamp post?

Or miss and carry on, on our merry way?

(tires squealing)

One point for the hit and the flag belongs

to the Russian federation, well done.

(tires squealing)

(dramatic music)

In a world that knew
no rules of the highway

called Edition Seven from 1979,

one man, two wheels, multiple
pointless collisions,

all he wanted to do was
take his life up a gear.

Little would he know that
his enemies would force him

to apply the brakes.

Starring a bloat with
a camera on his helmet,

a bike with a bent mud guard

and a wildly apologetic driver.

Get ready for saddle sore, coming soon

to a screen near you.

(dramatic music)

Blink and you'll miss it.

That might have been good advice to give

to this Wally before he drove
across the zebra crossing.

Oh well, can't win them all.

Tell you what, out here in the country

you've got to understand we're not scared

of you city folk and your
big shiny metal horses.

Good on you man, show
that softy who's boss.

More importantly what the
dickens are they driving?

Seriously if you have any idea

write them down on a postcard

but please don't send them to me.

Let's play a game of high speed collision

between a bike and a scooter.


The result isn't important,

what is important is that
you don't try this at home

and also don't wear shirts like that.

(upbeat music)

I'm warning you this clip is pretty scary

but the guy was fine.

He gets knocked down and
literally no one cares.

A couple of people on.

The cab driver eventually
gets out of his cab

but he doesn't care.

All that's left if for
our man to pick himself up

and ride on.

Shew I need a bite after that.

I wander if they serve baba ghanoush.

(dramatic music)

I've always been a fan of karma

and seeing a cyclist
throw out a Nazi salute

only to receive the sharp
corner of death's boot

is wholly satisfying.

I mean, he could have just been trying

to signal a right turn but
that black circular glasses

look pretty SS to me.

Plus, that tote is naff so
as far as I'm concerned,

he got what was coming to him.

Perfect cycling conditions, car pools,

ice, blurred vision, night
time drizzle, snowy patches,

what could go wrong?

(dramatic music)

Well pretty much everything.

The perfect cocktail of
Car Crash TV warning signs.

The people need to watch my show.

(upbeat music)

Oh dear, oh dear, I can
sense bad news coming.

Is this driver even going to see those two

at the crossing?

Oh thank goodness for that, they're okay.

What, blindsided by an idiot
with his head in the clouds,

no doubt, I bet the poor
lady wasn't expecting that.

Better check to see if
she's okay, chap or not.

I suppose you could always walk off.

Ah, and I bet he wasn't
expecting that either.

(tires squealing)

(upbeat music)

In the 1980's people laughed
at the strangest things,

also some people's hair was quite amusing

but nowadays a larder on the road

is as rare as a chuggle
without dreadlocks,

which is why we play the larder lotto.

So get out your lotto cards,
all we need is four larders

to overtake us to win the jackpot.

Although as we've been
saying for the last 30 years,

literally no one ever does.

(upbeat music)

Release the cars, my god that's a larder,

cross him off your card.

And what a way to kick us off.

And another one, two in a
row, oh I don't believe it,

sweet Mary and the muffin
makers, it's a hat trick.

It's not a larder but this
has never happened before.

Three larder, don't know what that is

but I wouldn't buy one.

I don't believe it, that's it,

we've all won a million pounds.

Quit your jobs, disown your
children, insult your neighbors,

and why not a scary
monkey dashboard ornament.

(tires squealing)

(upbeat music)

Looks mean a lot these days unfortunately.

With a society driven by
the power of aesthetics

and if we like the look
of someone or something

we'll let it get away with anything.

Just because something looks good

doesn't mean it is good
at something though.

(tires squealing)

In the same way that Kelly
Brock takes your breath away,

but might not be up to
taking your recycling away.

Just because these drivers
have cars that turn heads

doesn't mean they can
turn them out the way

of a collision.

Nice car, shame about the driver.

(dramatic music)

This silver fox knows the
best way to a lady's heart

is through her airbags.

Yes, that definitely got the pulse racing

and the wallet, 400,000 rubles.

Things of beauty can
float through the middle

of any room and people
will part like the sea

for Moses, well Moses clearly
wasn't behind the wheel

of this sports car.

More of a donkey van to be honest.

That's a dent in the bank
balance, 500,000 rubles.

(dramatic music)

When you look this sleek and delectable

you expect other people to
notice you all the time.

So why on earth would you
need to notice them too?

Ah, okay point taken,
a tidy 200,000 rubles.

Everyone knows the cat walk models

are notorious for taking
sharp turns at the end

of the runway.

Well all reverso car valet models

take their skills to the road too.

Oh, and that was his good side too.

A trip to the data cash point
he thinks, 350,000 rubles.

The bold and the beautiful
are sometimes guilty

of suffering from an overconfident nature.

Driving forward with certainty

that they will always get hit on.

Not everyday you get propositioned
with a three way however.

Score but such encounters come at a price,

280,000 rubles to be exact.

To get the right look,
you need to be willing

to change your style at the drop of a hat.


Now there we go those windows

were completely the wrong
tone for you darling.

You need something that
brings out your eyes.

You're welcome and it's only
cost you a mere 170,000 rubles,

a bargain.

(dramatic music)

Keep your eyes on the road
and your mind on your money,

a whopping total of 1.9 million rubles

worth of damage right there folks.

No money, no problems indeed.

(dramatic music)