Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Episode #2.10 - full transcript

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[Chris] Everyday more and
more road users are filming

their journeys, which can
often end in disaster.

(car explodes)

Pioneered my motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard-mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

(truck horn honks loudly)

From the bizarre to the ridiculous,

(dog barks)

(ducks quaking)

the funny...



(car horn honking)
(vehicles crashing)

to the downright dangerous,

the thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

(horse neighing)
(vehicles crashing)

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads,

(car tires screeching)

put things right by pointing
the finger of blame,

replay the action to see
what really happened,

(horse hooves galloping on pavement)

(glass shattering)

and, of course, there's nothing
like seeing other people's

mistakes when it comes to
helping us become better drivers.



And please remember,

on all the clips,
(glass shattering)

yes that's all the clips we show,

(truck horn honking)

no one, and that means no one,
(tires screeching)

is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(tires screeching)
(glass shattering)

Coming up on Car Crash TV,

(loud clattering)

more diabolical and dastardly driving

from Russia and Eastern Europe that,

had it happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the
following contraventions

of the Highway Code:

Article 66,

when cycling, keep both
hands on the handlebars,

except when signaling, changing
gear or running into a car.

Article 126, subsection one.

Leave enough space between
you and the vehicle in front,

so that you can pull up safely
if it suddenly slows down

or stops.
(cars colliding)

(tires screeching)

Chapter eight from the
"Bumper Book of Big Buses",

"Owning the Road."
(vehicles crashing loudly)

And page 27 from "My
Guide to Making Cakes,"

"Always apply plenty of frosting."

(trumpet tooting)

(tires screeching)
(car engine accelerating)

(rhythmic rock music)

For centuries,

an epic battle has waged
between two rival factions.

An endless struggle for power

as four wheels have pitted
themselves against two,

to claim the asphalt.

(metal parts crunching)

Size and strength versus
speed and maneuvering skills.

(metal parts scraping)

Many soldiers from both
encampments have fallen.

Knees have been scraped,

bumpers have been dented,

and fists have been shaken,

(bicycle bell chimes)

leaving a wave of destruction

and angry bells tinkling in the night.

Will there ever be a time of peace?

(high pitched whooshing)

(loud crashing)

Will the comrades of the clutch

and arsenals of the accelerators

hear the song of the bikers?

This is, "I Want to Ride My Bicycle."

Sometimes a lone soldier of the saddle

must show his troops bravery
in the face of adversity

and ride into battle alone.

(loud clanging)

And by battle,
(clattering)

I meant the side of a garish
yellow two-door hatchback.

This soldier went on board
with is trained in the art

of psychological warfare.

Watch as he dispatches this cyclist,

without even touching him.

(muffled clanging)

Either that,

or our cyclist is just a clumsy twit.

Lulling the opposition into
a false sense of security

is a tactic that has long been
utilized on the battlefield

by the barbaric automobile attackers.

Watch this soldier take out his enemy

by completely ignoring the
purpose of his indicators.

(muffled crashing of vehicles)

Another concrete kiss,

and an achy elbow for this poor soul.

During World War II, the
kamikaze bomber squadrons

trained a highly skilled bicycle division

who would ride into the front lines

and sacrifice themselves
for the greater good.

(loud crashing)
(clattering)

Unfortunately, training
ceased when the war ended

and now droves of hapless cyclists

were left to wage a one-man war

on lamp posts and fences instead.

Even during times of peace, however,

veterans from either
side have found it hard

to leave their prejudices behind.

(clattering)

Looks like this old boy
has a grudge to bear.

Sadly, many onlookers will
simply turn a blind eye

and drive past these incidents

as if they never even happened.

Even as a cyclist soldier
slowly patrols his neighborhood,

he must be prepared

for a random attack at any time.

(loud crashing)

Wow, lightning reactions

and some solid calf muscles
saved his skin this time.

When will a bike pump of peace be offered?

Perhaps never.

And yet,

even as this brute behind the wheel

carries out the merciless orders
of his commanding officers,

(clattering)

he has a sudden change of heart

and turns to offer help to his opposition.

Perhaps we can achieve peace after all.

Oh no, he's trying to nick his bike now.

Maybe not...

(tires screeching)
(engine accelerating)

When we can't explain something,

we call it magic.

(vehicles crashing)

Card tricks, sword swallowing,

that weird smell coming

from beneath my neighbor's new patio.

And some motory mishaps
are just as inexplicable.

Everything is going well until an idiot

appears out of nowhere.

(vehicles crashing loudly)

But the one thing you can be sure of is

that a buffoon will
either come from the left

or the right.

(vehicles crashing)

So, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together
and welcome once again

our resident magician,
the great Carcrashini,

(vehicles crashing)

for another edition of, "Abra Car Dabra."

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

I am The Amazing
Carcrashini, (clears throat)

formerly known as The Great
Carcrashini due to tax issues.

For my first trick,

I'll summon a speeding
white van from thin air.

But will it appear from the right or left?

Abra-car-dabra!
(Chimes tinkling)

You read my mind, or did I read yours?

Now, think of a card, your bank card,

and now think of your pin number.

And now your mother's maiden name.

And, alakazam!

Your bank balance has
magically disappeared.

But where is your car?

Coming from the left or right?
(chimes tinkling)

(tires screeching)
(vehicles crashing)

Alakazam! It was the left.

Or should that be alaka-tram?

I thank you.

For my next trick,

I shall levitate a two-ton car

using only the power of my mind.

But will it fly from right or left?

Yes, my pretties, follow the light

(chimes tinkling)

and rise, and down.

But hold your applause,

for the real trick here is

that my assistant, Mary, stole
that car from a pensioner

whilst pretending to be a police officer.

She's the real star.

And now for my final and
most dangerous stunt.

These two white vans are
about to become three.

Now, pick a number between 45 and 47,

rub your hands together,

blow on them and say the word "left"

and or "one, two, three, abra-car-dabra!"

And there you have it the number 46,

(chimes tinkling)

and yes that's the same white
van from our very first clip.

(chimes tinkling)

I've been The Amazing Carcrashini!

What's this, a standing ovation?

You really shouldn't have.

Goodnight everyone.
(audience applauding)

(tires screeching)
(engine accelerating)

One thing people in this part of the world

are incredibly experienced
at is driving on icy roads.

Not that they're any good at it, mind.

In fact, this next round of clips is proof

that when the roads get
slippery, people get jittery.

So stop, get ready to
collaborate and listen

because we is about to dive headlong

into "Ice Ice Baby."

Yo, V.I.P., let's kick it.

When I was a lad,

I used to spend hour after
hour outside in the snow

begging my parents to
let me back in the house.

I swear they wanted a girl,

but the joke's on them.

I've grown up to become a top-level

pretend health and safety expert,

talking over idiots crashing their cars,

like this little ice ice baby.

Ha!

Mom, Dad, please give me a call sometime.

Don't you just love the
way snow plows deposit

the snow on the side of the road?

It reminds me of the cake at a wedding,

my wedding, in fact.

(tires screeching)

(muffled crashing)

Yes, that's right, Mom
and Dad, I'm married now.

And you guys didn't turn up.

That was a waste of two chicken supremes.

Talking of supreme chickens,

here they're playing frozen chicken.

It's exactly like in the movies,

except the road is so icy

you have absolutely no
control over your car.

(car horn beeping repeatedly)

(vehicles crashing loudly)

And nobody wins,

everyone's furious.

Cue the world's smallest avalanche.

There we go.

Driving in a foreign city can be scary.

One wrong turn and you're in a dodgy area,

but just imagine how
disappointed this deviant was

when he set his sat nav for
the red light districts.

(loud crashing)

Yep, there it is.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

Now, not everyone in the world can afford

to own their own car,
motorcycle, lorry, or van.

And sadly, for these poor
souls, they might never know

the excitement of plowing into
the side of another motorist.

Fortunately, though, there
are no end of fearless

and careless bus, tram, and coach drivers

(vehicles crashing)

willing to put their own licenses,

and their company's vehicles,

into the firing line so that
passengers could be given

the thrill ride of a lifetime.

All aboard!

This is, "The Perils of Public Transport."

Hello, here's comedian Trammy Cooper,

and here is his favorite disappearing act,

now you see it, now you don't.

Just like that,

Ha ha ha ha.

Hello ladies and gentleman,

if you look over to your left-hand side,

you can see an utter lunatic

(loud smashing)

who thinks he can squeeze out
of this junction before us.

I always wondered what
those two metal prongs are

on top of some buses.

Turns out they're a couple of arms

for when a bus driver takes
the front of your motor off.

Yeah, yeah, put your hands in the air

like you just don't care.

What's big, red and wants
you to touch its bum?

No, not an orangutan,

it's the number 43 (mumbles).

And that's why I've been
banned from the local zoo.

Say what you like about coach drivers,

but when they say they're
going to get a gaggle

of gin-soaked hens to a male
strip club by 7:00 p.m.,

by god, they're going to get them there,

no matter who or what gets in the way.

(tires screeching)
(vehicles crashing)

(upbeat banjo music)

Logic tells us that the
quickest direct route is

from A to B.

(vehicles crashing)

Unfortunately, for the drivers featured

in this next set of clips,

logic is something they do
not possess in abundance,

and for them, the quickest
route appears to be A to E,

pulling dangerously across B,

swerving around C

and narrowly avoiding D.

Someone buy these lunatics
a book of logical driving

and point them in the direction

of chapter one entitled,
"Stay in Your Lane."

First up, I've never been fortunate enough

to have a saucy three-way experience,

(vehicles crashing)
(horns honking)

(vehicles crashing)

but this taxi driver makes it happen

in less than five seconds.

What a player!

Now, I'm a big fan of R&B music,

and it seems this next driver is too.

At this very moment I can hear R. Kelly's

"I Believe I Can Fly"
blasting from the stereo.

And they say dreams can come true.

Isn't it annoying when you miss a turning?

Well, you know what's more annoying?

(vehicles crashing)

(tires screeching)

Having to sit and wait for a tow truck

and getting six points on
your license, you muppet!

Lines on the road are there to guide you,

but they also say, "let your
conscience be your guide."

So what should you do?

(vehicles crashing)

Not that!

Let's just say that
trusting his conscience

nearly left him unconscious.

And finally, okay fair enough,

you can't always keep to one lane,

but there's three little
things to remember

when it comes to changing lanes:

mirrors, signal, maniac lorry drivers...

(vehicles crashing)

Oh, for goodness sake!

Well I guess two out of three
ain't bad for these buffoons.

(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

Still to come on Car Crash TV,

pop a 50p in the slot,

it's time to play car pinball!

Hon, pass me a new pair of underpants

as we observe some skidders.
(tires screeching)

(vehicles crashing)

But first, a little
scene for you to survey.

Can you guess what happens next?

(tires screeching)
(glass shattering)

Welcome back to Car
Crash TV, I missed you.

So, have you worked out what happens next?

(tires screeching)

Wow, that was close!

That's not shock on is face
though, he's star struck.

For behind the wheel
of that car seems to be

Russia's answer to George Michael!

(cheering)

He must have popped out to
stock up on some munchies

and fallen asleep at the wheel, again...

Wake him up before you go go.

(tires screeching)
(engine accelerating)

(hip hop music)

If we remember just one
thing from learning to drive,

it's that confusing your instructor' knee

with the gear stick can lead
to heavily discounted lessons.

But if we remember too,

it's that, "and mirror, signal" maneuver.

A phrase so ingrained in our minds,

but why are we so bad at doing it?

(vehicles crashing)

Is it because people get
wrapped up in themselves

and don't care for others?

Maybe.

Is it because maneuver
is a fancy French word,

and everyone hates fancy French words?

(horns honking)

Also maybe.

Yes, this next belch of bloopers features

some ruddy ridiculous driving

from some bizarrely brainless drivers.

(glass shattering)

So sit back and get ready

to marvel at some markedly
mindless maneuvers.

When I was a child,

I used to be terrified of two things:

cars and pirates wearing eye patches.

Thankfully, I got over the car thing.

(vehicles crashing)

Oh my God, no!

It's a pirate car, ahhh!

U-turns are called U-turns
because, traditionally,

when you do one you turn into an imbecile.

(vehicles crashing)

Although this is actually a Y-turn,

as in, "why are you turning right into me,

"you great preposterous pillock?"

My father always used to say to me,

"Softly, softly, catchy monkey."

Advice I followed my entire life,

until the day I actually caught a monkey

and it softly bit me all
over my arms and face.

And just like I conquered tropical rabies,

this driver is conquering his U-turn

by being cautious, polite, attentive,

and waiting for exactly
the right moment to--

(vehicles crashing)

I don't believe it.

I bet that monkey had
something to do with this.

Ever since "The Teddy Bears' Picnic,"

we've all known that if
you go down to the woods,

you're sure to have a big surprise.

(vehicles crashing)

Sadly, the surprise in
my local wood is a guy

called Weird Pete who lives
in a burnt out caravan

and eats shoes.

And yes, regrettably,
I caught him unawares.

And finally, here's a deleted
scene from "Braveheart,"

where Mel Gibson drives a car

using a weird hovering Polo mint.

It was cut from the
film when they realized

neither cars nor mints existed
in 13th century Scotland.

Sure they might take our lives,

but they will never take
our mindless maneuvers.

(tires screeching)
(engine accelerating)

Ah, the thrill of the pinball!

Most sensible people like
you and I would play the game

in the comfort of our local pub or arcade,

but there are some mavericks out there

who've seen fit to bring
the game onto our roads.

Replacing the balls with their cars

and the flippers with, well, other cars

and barriers, and trucks, and trees

it's madness, I tell you!

The object of the game appears to be

hit as many things as you can,

and some of our drivers do love

to go for that multi-ball bonus.

Brace yourselves, it's "Car Pinball!"

Ah, pinball in the snow, classic.

Actually, everyone on this
road has been playing pinball.

Either that or an impromptu midnight,

snow-covered car boot sale.

A grand total of 40 thousand points.

Snow and rain?

This has got to be a
high scoring encounter.

(pinball machine chiming)

Ooh, yes, and what a mess.

60 thousand points and a new high score.

This guy is all over the place.

You'd think he'd want to slow down,

but no, he wants a high score

playing with a lorry, the madman.

(pinball machine chiming)

Will be bounce off him again?

Oh, just missed!

40 thousand points, don't try it again.

An idiot is about to twang himself

out of that petrol station
into three lanes of traffic.

Hold onto your hats!

(pinball machine chiming)

Oh, nice bridge!

40 thousand points.

Ah, the old one, two.

Watch...

One,

two,

20 thousand points!

This driver plays the
Wild West pinball machine.

Look!

Heigh-ho silver away!

(pinball machine chiming)

A sudden dive to the right
means 20 thousand points.

And what do points mean?

Hopefully a six-month ban.

It's game over, folks!

(tires screeching)
(engine accelerating)

(vehicles crashing)

Here on Car Crash TV,

every once in a while
we come across a clip

that stands out from the crowd

and deserves to be celebrated.

A clip that is either
packed with action and drama

or features a staggering example

of buffoonery and ineptitude.

And this week, dear viewer,

you'll be delighted to
discover the clip falls

into the latter category.

Brace yourselves, my friends.

For this type of spectacular idiocy

really is a marvel to behold.

Now, where I come from,
you pump your own petrol.

It's a foolproof system.

You pump and you pay, and if you're lucky,

you might even stumble across

one of those newfangled
pay-at-pump garages.

Isn't modern technology wonderful?

However, in some countries,

they inexplicably employ someone

to pump your petrol for you.

And this can cause issues when a customer,

whilst paying, gets caught short

following an ill advised chicken shawarma

from that suspect-looking
food truck at lunch.

As he leaps into his car,

there's only one thing on his mind:

"get me to the nearest throne."

Oh, I do apologize,

I appear to have made
a mess of your garage.

And now of myself.

Does anyone have a wet wipe?

(tires screeching)
(vehicles crashing)

(upbeat classical music)

Taking a surface and turning it

into your own personal
playground takes guts.

And sometimes ice, or oil
or simply just bad driving.

(vehicles crashing)

By the way, nothing looks more beautiful

than a machine doing an
impromptu belly dance.

(vehicles crashing)

And to try this dangerous dance

takes a special kind of driver,

the kind who can swerve left, right

and even back to front at
the same time as maintaining

a loud high-pitched scream
until they come to a standstill.

Keep you spare underwear handy,

as it's time for a croise
devant with these skidders.

Coming in like a bat out of hell,

this not-so-dainty-footed dancer

completely knocks into their partner

and then tangos far away

to stare moodily across the dance floor.

At least then you could
have styled it out.

Sometimes a good old-fashioned
round-the-room hoedown

is the only way to get
the cowgirl interested

in jingling your spurs.

(vehicles crashing)

(tires screeching)

Let's hope she's not packing a six-shooter

after that display though, eh?

Michael Flatley has always favored dancing

down the middle of the lines,

but this talentless, brake tapping twerp

proves not everyone is cut
out to be lord of the dance.

Being a professional
dancer is hungry work,

and it's okay to toss the
salads aside once in a while

and have a cheat day.

I spy with my little eye,

a burger joint beginning
with (duck quacks).

To be the best dancer in the company,

you sometimes have to
use underhand tactics.

(vehicles crashing)

Yes, be the black swan and
take out that prima donna.

Try pirouetting now, you loser!

Sometimes people dance their
way into your hearts, however,

especially when they manage
to prevent another car

from doing the smack-arena
into the back of you.

When executing the perfect spin,

you are meant to fix your
eyes on one point as you turn.

(vehicles crashing)

Maybe fixing your eyes on
the front bonnet of that car

was a bad idea.

This audition is over, next!

And finally, every great
dancing performance

has a big finishing move,
now show me what you got.

Perfect execution darling,
you're the bell of the ball.

Save it for the ballroom,
you twirling twerp.

(bouncy accordion music)