Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Everyday, more and more road users are filming their journeys, which can sometimes end in disaster. Pioneered by motorists in Russia and Eastern Europe, dashboard mounted cameras are constantly recording our behaviour on the roads.

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[Narrator] Everyday,
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,

which can often end in disaster.

(exploding)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard-mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

(honking)

From the bizarre, to the ridiculous,

the funny, to the downright dangerous.

(crashing)



The thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

have captured just about
every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

(squealing)

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

(dinging)

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

And of course, there's nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember, on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt!



So, drive safely!

Not everyone is this lucky.

(squealing)

(shattering)

(upbeat music)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

we show you outrageous road use

from Russia and Eastern Europe.

That had it happened in Britain,

would've resulted in the
following contraventions

of the highway code.

Rule 19 for pedestrians,

give traffic plenty of time to see you,

and stop at a zebra crossing
before you start to cross.

Section six, vehicle
maintenance, safety and security.

If you find your engine is overheated,

you should wait until
it has cooled naturally.

Pull the pin out, you numbskull!

The one about not mixing GNTs with HGVs.

And from my own guide to parenting,

don't let your kids go
sledging on the flipping road,

where actual cars drive!

(whooshing)

(crashing)

On the sixth day, God created man.

And on the seventh, he created idiots.

And on the eighth, he gave
each of these idiots a car.

Now, I'm not a religious expert,

but I'm pretty sure that's
what must've happened,

because they're everywhere!

These are people whose IQ
tests have come back negative,

and they're still allowed to drive!

(crashing)

So with this first selection of clips,

we have a very special
homage to the dozy drivers.

(soft music)

Now, there seems to be some sort of

solar event happening here.

Is the sky on fire?

This is literally like

watching a light bulb
through a pint glass.

Really, mister dozy driver,

maybe just wash the windscreen,

so you can actually, oh.

(shattering)

If only he'd squirted a bit sooner.

It would've been better for everyone.

Some drivers are so dozy,

that they don't think

the normal laws of physics apply to them.

(squealing)

Velocity plus idiocy equals bankruptcy.

The gravity of the situation
has just occurred to him.

Ha, little physics joke for ya there.

I'm going to take you through

this next bozo's thought process.

Margery is gonna love my chicken chasseur.

Hold on, I forgot the
chicken and the chasseur!

(crashing)

I get the feeling poor Margery

is going to bed with a
hungry tummy tonight.

What's this absolute
loose cannon planning?

Could be anything.

He's signaling left, but he could mean,

oh no, he meant left, silly me.

I'm immediately worried by
the size of this vehicle,

but I know someone who isn't, this guy!

What he lacks in brain cells,

he more than makes up for in stupidity.

This next mouth breather

has apparently adopted the age-old saying,

if in doubt, accelerate out.

And it's worked perfectly for him!

And finally, be warned, viewers.

These dozy drivers are everywhere.

They're on the roads,
they're in your houses.

They're ramming your car

while you're trying to
do a voiceover in it.

What is their problem?

(squealing)

(crashing)

Columbo, Morris, Taggart, Holmes.

All world-renowned super-sleuths.

Now you, dear viewer,
can join their ranks,

in our brand new feature CSI,
crash scene investigation.

Time to work out what or who
has caused this accident.

Take a look at this crash scene.

Wannabe Jessica Fletchers.

This silver 4x4 is about to
go into that post, but how?

Is it A, that blue saloon
shunted him off the road?

B, he swerved to avoid the motorcyclist.

Or is it option C,

that loose manhole cover
has sent him flying.

Place your bets, and let's
take a look at the action.

(crashing)

That's right, super-sleuths.

It was option C, that pesky manhole cover

came loose, and sent the 4x4
hurdling off into the trees.

At least he didn't
accidentally enter the manhole.

I've done that before, and
it's not a pretty place.

(squealing)

(upbeat music)

Trucks and lorries provide
an invaluable service,

transporting goods and
materials around the country.

And also occasionally,
bringing absolute terror

to the road around them.

After all, it's only many tons of metal

being propelled at high speed

by a man called Olath, who
hasn't slept for 41 hours,

and is probably watching two screens

of piled DVDs as he drives.

What's the worst that could happen?

This is trucking hell.

Take this for example.

This is like watching an incredibly sad,

low budget version of Transformers,

where Optimus Prime has had
some sort of mental breakdown,

becomes a full-blown alcoholic,

and ends up falling into a ditch.

Transformers, robots in a ditch.

Some trucks just seem to have
a self-destructive tendency.

Let's hope he wasn't carrying
anything flammable, oh.

Ah, perfect, here's a helpful bystander

with a tiny fire extinguisher.

The driver is out,

all they need to do now
is extinguish the fire.

Just a bit quick read of instructions,

just spray it at fire.

There you go, if anything
he's made it worse.

Sometimes truck drivers

are so overcome by hunger,

that they inexplicably turn off

in the middle of the motorway,

if they so much as smell a little chef.

This truck here has caught the
scent of an Olympic breakfast

over three kilometers away.

(honking)

Wow, those hash browns must smell good.

This bloke can't wait to get there either.

You've got to feel sorry for trucks.

They spend hundreds of hours,

forced to stick to road after road.

They must long for wide open spaces.

Come on, mister tanker,

cast off your tarmac shackles,

make a break for it, you're free.

When I said wide open spaces,

I didn't mean a small backyard.

Some trucks yearn for a
bit of physical contact

after hours of solitary traveling,

they'll attempt to take a smaller vehicle

with them for company.

It's a shame their relationship
was so short lived.

That van never gave it a chance.

One last thing you
should know about trucks

is they can be easily distracted.

This one has seen his trucking mate

going in the opposite direction.

Wait, Thai, it's me!

Then he's spotted the camera.

He comes, and he's chapped
to be on the telly.

Hello, mom, look what I did!

And finally, some trucks
will not stop for anything.

They especially despise zebra crossings.

Fortunately, the terminator
9000 is indestructible.

(squealing)

(crashing)

Coming up later on Car Crash TV,

we give top marks to the most
graceful moves on the road.

Watch three crazy drivers

play a real life game of car Jenga.

And we get to feel
smugged and judgemental,

by pointing the finger
of blame at these chumps.

(shattering)

Plus, can you guess what mishap
befalls this filthy Subaru?

You'll never get it.

(squealing)

(shattering)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

Earlier I asked you what calamity
befell the filthy Subaru.

Well here goes.

If you guessed the lorry in front

shed its load all over
it, then you're right!

It is nice to see an open door
policy one in a while though.

(squealing)

(crashing)

Here at Car Crash TV, we are
sent thousand and thousands

of amazing dash cam clips,

but one of the most astonishing things

is that the vast majority
of them feature Ladas,

and what's even more
astonishing than that,

is that most of the Ladas are white.

I guess if you're going to buy

the cheapest car on the planet,

and opt for the cheapest color option,

you're not going to mind

if you end up in a few prangs.

You know what they say.

You buy cheap, you buy twice.

Fortunately, for this section of the show,

I'm armed with loads of
absolutely hilarious Lada puns.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy
the cream of the Lada crop.

Move over, white van man.

This is white Lada man.

Look at these people going
about their daily business,

but they hadn't taken into account

the existence of the white Lada man.

(crashing)

Lada!

This guy's going grocery shopping
to fill his kitchen Lada,

when look who it is!

Avoiding him is Lada than you think.

If the white Lada man
was a Frank Sinatra song,

it would probably be I Did It My Way.

But then again, that's
why the Lada is a tramp.

Getting away from the white Lada man

is like climbing up a slippery Lada.

(crashing)

(scratching)

Right, now someone needs
to Lada down the law.

How many pints of Lada has he had?

If one of the characters in Star Wars

was to drive a Lada, who would it be?

Luke Skywalker?

No, he'd want something way
more nimble than a Lada.

Jabba the Hutt?

No chance, he wouldn't fit his
enormous backside in a Lada.

Actually, look at the
way this guy's driving.

It's like he's surrounded by

some kind of powerful force field.

That's a roving Death Star right there.

Of course, it's Darth Lada.

Luke, I am your Lada.

You've got to feel sorry
for this white Lada man.

He's just pootling along,
looking for trouble, when.

(crashing)

Ouch!

Let's take a look from another angle.

For all you car yoga fans,
that's called downward Lada.

Now I know what you're going
to say about this next Lada.

It's off white.

Well before you pick up your
pen and write in, don't.

Because as you can see,
this white Lada man

likes to drive in the dirt.

What his Lada needs is a soapy hose down.

Time to Lada up!

Perhaps I'm being sexist

by assuming the white
Lada man is indeed a man.

Oh, I think we're about to
find out, is it a guy or a gal?

It's a bloke, I knew it.

But look at his dress code.

He's a real ladies man.

He's paying as much
respect to shirt buttons

as he does to the highway code.

You sir, are in a Lada trouble,

but probably not as much
trouble as I'll be in

from the pun police.

(squealing)

(crashing)

It's time now for the
return of an old favorite.

So, dawn your special
patented blame trousers,

and get ready to play the blame game.

Okay, I thought there was
gonna be a jingle there.

No, too expensive, oh, forget it.

It's time to get judgemental,
and see who's at fault,

who's completely innocent,

and who's just in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

Yes, once again, it's the blame game!

Oh, we managed to afford
a graphic, did we?

Well, that's something I suppose.

Behold this lovely cat's cradle
of overhead electric wires.

But hold on, who's to blame here?

Hopefully you noticed,

that there were three different
traffic lights all on red.

Help yourself to some
delicious blame pie, gold car!

(crashing)

Yes, I'm talking to you!

Next, I see road, I'm already worried.

Who are you apportioning the blame to?

My money's on the gray
car for not giving way.

Read your highway code, matey.

Next, road, cars, standard
driving conditions,

12.99 for some tangerines, pricey.

But who's to blame here?

No, next time, when you
see some cars on the road,

try slowing down.

Blame on you, blue car.

(crashing)

Okay, last one, and it's a tricky one.

The driver of this black car

has taken the corner at a confident speed.

(squealing)

But which driver is to blame?

On first viewing,

it feels like the SUV
was the guilty party.

But if one observes the road markings,

the blue car never gave
way at the junction.

Half a pint of blame and
some blame flavored crisps

for the driver of the
black car, please, button.

(crashing)

(squealing)

Motorcyclists.

They all talk about how much
they love their machines.

But it seems that any given opportunity,

they can't resist jumping off them.

Either that, or they have
some sort of vendetta

towards people who dare
to drive on four wheels.

Ladies and gentleman, I
present, vicious cycles.

Mopeds are the
laughingstock of motorbikes.

Slow and unsexy.

But this bloke is trying to prove

those vain motorcyclists wrong.

(crashing)

He's got speed, style, and stupidity.

What a bozo!

Stripping off your clothes in public

should be an exciting, thrilling thing.

Not a painful thing.

That's the scariest game of
strip poker I've ever witnessed.

And I've played with the Hairy Bikers.

Here we have the world's largest toddler

on my first Harley.

It's okay, dad, I'm okay.

There, there, son.

Let's go home for some
Alphabetti Spaghetti.

And finally, the whole reason

we called this collection
of clips vicious cycles,

is because of this shocking clip.

This is a lucky escape.

That must've hurt.

Thank goodness he's okay.

That's right, pal.

You have a sit down.

But he's forgotten that he's sitting

on an engine that's really hot.

Poor bloke, he's going
home with a black bum,

a purple leg, and a very red face.

(squealing)

(crashing)

The words road traffic accident

and delicate work of art
don't often go hand in hand.

But as you'll see in these next clips,

we're going to mark the
most graceful crashes

from our vaults out of 10.

Will they be chachaing
down the dual carriageway,

mamboing on the motorway, or
salsaing on the slip road?

Sequins and airbags at the ready.

It's time for strictly car crashing!

Here's our first contestant,
a lovely Viennese Waltz.

What style, what grace, watch out!

And retires to the wings stage left.

I'll give him a seven!

It's rather sexy to go dancing
in the rain apparently.

And sometimes, an aggressive
technique is required.

A quick jiggle, a quick
spin, and give us a kiss.

Cheeky, eight!

Now for something you don't always get,

the pure duet from the
dancer's point of view.

Now we need to be spun by our partner.

There, lovely smooth
turn, don't get dizzy.

And sudden finish, eight!

Now ask yourself, why is this
dashboard Buddha, so happy?

That's because he's living in the future.

He's made it all the way to the year 2092,

and it's comforting to know

that people are still
playing strictly car crashing

even with the invent of hover boards.

And look at this for a stylish spin.

With this large lorry being the equivalent

of Russell Grant or Ann
Widdecombe, if you will,

it sends its partner spinning to victory.

Part of the bum, lovely technique,

and finishes looking at the camera.

Perfect, nine!

It's important to leave the
dance floor with panache.

Lean to the left, lean to the right,

and a hugely flamboyant finish.

Showoff, six!

Here you have a classic
lazy winter dancer,

who can only be bothered

to clear one side of his rear windscreen.

The enormous one meter trip

required clearly too much in this case.

Oh, there's a little wiggle of the hips,

and he pushes his partner into the crowd.

Clumsy, five!

And now look at this driver.

Clearly with their eyes
on a place in the final,

the poise, the balance,
the total lack of skill!

And what a fantastic final flourish.

Clearly very dizzy, and
clearly our winner, 10!

That's it for now!

Keep crashing!

(squealing)

(crashing)

If you watched this show before,

or even tuned in just a minute ago,

you'll be familiar with
the sight of people driving

like absolute lunatics in
Russia and Eastern Europe.

Well, spare a thought for the pedestrians,

those not cocooned in shells of metal,

who are braving these roads

with nothing but their outdated
wardrobes as protection.

Those fur-lined leather
boots look fashionable,

but they won't stop you
getting a broken leg.

Watch out, people.

It's time for pedestrian crossings!

First up, it's 80s singer, Pete Burns

at the wheel of this car.

Watch how he approaches
pedestrian crossings.

You certainly spun her right
round, Pete, right round.

The next lady is so beautiful

that she literally stops traffic.

They should be ashamed of
themselves ogling like that.

Honestly, it's like
feminism never happened.

To be fair, she has
matched a red baseball cap

with gold Winklepickers, eye catching.

Why sledge down a rural hill,

when you can do it across
a busy street instead?

Morons!

Walking to work?

Cars can get too close for comfort.

Sir, cancel my one o'clock meeting,

I need to freshen up downstairs,

and please buy me a new pair of pants.

The thing about zebra crossings is

they're not surrounded by
invisible force fields.

Shame, because this lady thinks they are.

And when you've narrowly
avoided death, just like her,

I sometimes opt for a
little hop of terror,

followed by meekly scuttling
off into the night.

Not wanting to break from tradition,

here's one car's braking technique

that really breaks the mold.

Yes, he was either trying to
break into this guy's boot,

or break this poor pedestrian's hip.

One thing's for certain,

with a repair bill for two
cars, he's going to be broke.

And thank you!

And finally, this clip proves

that pedestrians can get revenge.

Check out Magneto's wife
dispatching this lorry.

Take that, nothing stops this old bird

from getting to the shops.

But she does have a soft side, look.

She's glanced over at the
driver, to check he's okay.

Now quick, the dry cleaners are closing.

(upbeat music)