Canterbury Tales (2003): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Miller's Tale - full transcript

(Engine revving)

(Gears crunching)

(Engine backfiring)

(Grinding)

(Engine Coughing)

(Engine dies)

- (Cheering)
- Here, mister! Mister.

- Do you want us to guard your car?
- Sure.

If I've got all my wheels when I come out,
you get the other half.

(Shouting and banging)

You don't smile at my missus!
You don't even look at my missus!



- You are not fit to...!
- I didn't know she was your missus!

Now, you disappear before I get nasty!

What you looking at?
You want some, do ya?!

No, thank you.

( Karaoke intro to
Don't Go Breaking My Heart)

Don't go breaking my heart

I won't go breaking your heart

Don't go breaking my heart...

Bottle of lager, please, love.

It must be nice to have a man who cares.

- Yeah, it must be.
- I mean, your husband.

John? He's not my husband!

I'm too long in the tooth for John!

He doesn't know what he's missing,
I'll bet.



I gave you my head

Ooo-oh, I gave you my heart...

Is he always such a cheerful bastard(?)

You'd be moody if the whole town
wanted to jump your missus.

Don't go breaking my...
Don't go breaking my heart...

- Only if I wasn't jumping her myself.
- No man under eighty could turn that down.

(Cheering and applause)

(Wolf whistle)

Thank you, Alison and Danny,
our very own Elton and Kiki.

If any of you want to show off your talent,

you can have a chance
of winning one of our excellent prizes,

a limited edition CD rack,
hand-crafted plant-pot holders,

and an exclusively designed bird feeder.

So get your names down!

But first, we got the Merlin's
very own Diana Ross,

Mrs Smallwood.

(Inaudible)

Nick Zakian, Raygun Management.
And you are?

Alison Crosby.

(Warbles) Baby love, my baby love...

Why are you slumming it here?
Trying out new material?

How do you mean?

You are a professional?
You do have a deal?

Don't tell me this is a hobby?

It's not...?
Jesus, I've waited all my life...!

To make you stay...

They tell you about these moments,
but I'm sorry, I am just so blown away.

Are you some son of nutter?

It's like when Alan McGee went to a gig
on a wet Monday night and found Oasis.

Nutter, no. Dreamer, yes,
and one dream just came true.

- Danny Absolon.
- Got a day job, Danny?

A barber, till the singing takes off.

Great, cos I might need
a haircut one day.

You didn't get the song, not for me, anyway.

Elton John is the engine, so Kiki can
make the song fly. That's how to play it.

That's what Elton understood and you didn't.

You wanted to be noticed.
Elton knew he'd be noticed.

- You really know what you're talking about!
- I should do - I had Kiki one night.

She had more than the music in her
that night, I can tell you!

- Chas, get us a pint.
- John, this is Nick...Zakian.

Yeah.

- He's in the music business.
- Hi, John. We met already, outside.

- Red sports car.
- That's right. A most lovely machine.

- Must've put you back a few quid.
- It did.

But, you know, it's for spending, isn't it?

John's my husband.

I'II shake your hand again, then.
That explains a lot,

because if l had a wife
as beautiful and talented as Alison,

I might not want to share her either.

Nick's in management -
you know, pop music and that.

- He thinks I might have something.
- Oh, yeah?

Yes!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's OK.
I'm just going to leave you two alone.

- I can see you've everything you need here.
- John!

This scene, each other...
I wouldn't change it.

Hang on, hang on. No need
for you to rush off. What do they say?

- "Don't hide your light under a bushel."
- Exactly.

- Parable of the talents.
- Exactly!

Soto speak...

Come on, have a pint.

I'll have a beer.

(Whistling and applause)

How come I've never heard of you?

The good managers don't want
to be well-known, do they?

John, I can walk into any pub, club or gig.

That's how you find the hidden gems -
the Alisons of this world.

And you think, with Alison,
you've seen that special gift, do you?

What did I tell you?

I told you I was going to be famous one day!
I just knew it!

I can't tell you what I'm looking for,
but I know when I've seen it,

and when I've seen it,
I don't stint on the price.

Nice to meet you, John.

Good night, Alison.

John, don't sign any contracts
before the end of next week, OK?

Where can I get a taxi? I'm over the limit.

You'll stay right here, with us.
Won't he, John?

- We do B&B.
- Yeah! Yeah.

Jean, get the key to Room 6, will you?

So, come here. You, erm...

How far do you think Alison could develop?

I mean, I know it's hard to say,

but, just money-wise, a rough figure...

Good looking, great voice...
She's already two up on Geri Halliwell.

Yeah. And put the good shower gel
in the basket while you're about it.

She's the real thing.
You wouldn't believe her.

Think of a young Kylie
with the voice of... Natalie Lumbago

with a dash of Sheryl Crow.

Oh.

I've got to go. Yeah, Iaters. Yeah, OK.

- So, how do you like your eggs?
- I'll just have a coffee.

You don't want to neglect breakfast.
You'll need all your energy today.

Why, what you got in mind?

Oh, I dunno -
shagging you senseless maybe.

( Soft Cell: Tainted Love)

Right! Come out!

Keep running, you old loser!

We want to see a head attack
for our school project!

Come here! Come here!

Bloody kids! It's the same every day.

Come on. I'll help you back in with the rest.

You're not some son of Jehovah's Witness?

No. I don't hold with that sort of thing.

Me neither. When you die, you die,
as far as I'm concerned.

Exactly. Where's the proof, eh?

There you go.

There aren't many young people like you
these days.

Ah, well, maybe I'm old-fashioned.

Maybe those few years in the army
straightened me out.

Oh, I see! I thought
there was something right about you.

Well, you know.
When you've seen action...

You'll see more than action,
if you're staying over the road.

- How do you mean?
- Well, him and her...

It's not natural, is it? A man his age.

It's not fair, either, Mr Wickens, eh?
Here, let me tidy this up.

(Man singing badly)

No foul language in front of my missus!

- I didn't!
- No, but you looked at her,

and foul language usually follows!

It was a copy
of Catherine Zeta Jones's dress.

It suits you much better.
Wouldn't you say so, Dave?

Very nice, yeah.

Oh! Hello...

Oops! Don't know how that got there.

- One of John's risque shots.
- I don't know how he kept the camera still.

I made you a compilation tape - dance
on one side and smooch on the other.

Lovely. Thanks.

Anyway, we thought,
Michael Douglas and her,

nobody talks about the age difference there.

They don't with you, do they?
Anybody can see you're soul mates!

We do get one or two looks in Sainsbury's.

When you're mixing with celebrities,
nobody will notice.

Bill and Mandy, Catherine and Michael,
Rod and Penny, Alison and John.

Yeah! I know it's a weekday
but I'm going to hit the optic.

- Gonna join me, Nick?
- Go for it, John.

- Dave?
- I'll have a pint, actually, John.

- So when do we screw?
- Pardon?

I want you, you want me.
You're ready for me right now.

I can see it in your eyes.
I can feel the heat off you.

Stop it.

- There you go.
- Thanks, John.

12-year-old malt.

I save it for people who appreciate
the better things in life.

Ah! John, that tastes as good
as Britney's bath water.

Rainy days and Mondays
always get me down!

Oi! What do you think you're doing?

Tidying up.
A fox must've been at your bins.

Oh. Well, thanks.

Typical, innit?

- Here, you want some of this?
- No, I don't.

Who needs artificial highs
when you have the real thing?

Exac... What?

You and Alison. If I had a woman like her...
You dirty old dog!

I would kill anyone
who laid a finger on her.

- Course you would.
- Even if it was someone I liked.

- Even if it was someone I needed.
- I can see why.

If that Danny wasn't gay,
I'd give him a slap for you.

He's not gay.

Holding hands on stage,
gazing into her eyes...

- I'd string him up by the bollocks.
- He's not gay.

- Isn't he?
- No!

-Oh.
-Oh!

Ah, John, Johnny boy,
don't go all fret on me.

You'll have more to cope with than Danny
when she's a superstar, eh?

Robbie Williams, showing her his tattoos,
trying to get her on his quad bike.

It's not going to go away
just cos you'll be mixing with money.

And is that the sort of money
we'll be mixing with?

I mean, in your estimation -
that sort of rich?

I know it.

Anyway, I'll see you sometime next week.

Hold on. You're not leaving?

Like the man says, after two days,
fish and house guests start to stink.

No, just stay another night, eh?

You don't know what it means
to have a kindred spirit around.

- Ah, John...
- Come on, I'll get you a nice large malt.

Ten Silk Cut, please.

- You're not old enough.
- They're for my dad.

I bet he's not old enough either, son.
Smoking stunts your growth.

So does wanking, so you'd best go
for the good of your health.

Who do you think you are?

Someone you don't want
to play cocky bastard with, son.

Thanks for that, Nick. Little sods.

I bet you'd have given them
a jolly good hiding, army lad like you.

I'd like to have seen that.

- It wouldn't have been pretty.
- I bet it wouldn't have.

One to the neck, two in the eyes,

then a knee that breaks their nose
so it splinters in their brain, eh?

Their mum'd be bringing them in
in wheelchairs. Just say the word.

- Maybe that would be going too far.
- Course it would. We're not primitives.

- It's just there if you need it.
- Well, it's good to know, Nick.

Now, you said the back door
was sticking.

Oh, yes! The Iock's buggered.

I don't want to be any trouble, Nick.

No trouble, Malcolm. I've borrowed
John's toolbox. Let's take a look.

Come away through, then.
I'm sorry about the mess.

I'd have thought this was a bit low-rent
for a big-shot pop producer!

As I say, I like to check out the local talent.

- Alison's great, isn't she?
- You're not good enough for her!

You do know that?

I've had major recording artists - both ends.

I've snorted cocaine off the backs of models.

Do you think I'd worry about a bit of local tit?

Which major recording artists, then?

Anyone would think you didn't believe me.

You just turn up here - no announcements.

That's how it works.

It's not all about Pete Waterman going
round with a camera crew, you know.

- I do know that.
- You know what?

Danny boy, you know shit.

What if l am conning you? What have you
got to lose? Kent Karaoke King?

- What?
- Why should I believe you?

Cos if I'm lying,
you'll still have this when I'm gone...

but if I'm not, why piss me off?

I just don't want you to hurt Alison.

- I just care about her.
- You've a funny way of showing it, Danny.

What can I do?! How can I impress her?

How do you think Eric Clapton
stole Pattie off George?

He wrote Layla. Sure, John might be able
to break her neck with one blow,

but you have music as your weapon.

You've got romance, you've got head.

- Use the gifts you've got.
- Do you really think it'll work?

I swear it on Kylie's arse.

(Whistles) Lads! Lads!

- You can't stop us hanging around.
- I don't want to. Come here.

Just seems a bit stupid,
if you're seriously on the rob.

What?

If you want to play at it, fine,
but don't you want to earn top dollar?

- What are you getting at?
- What I'm getting at is this.

Someone kills the alarm,
leaves the back door open,

- then you break in and help yourselves.
- How's that going to happen?

Who does Wickens trust to lock up for him?

Are you saying that you'll leave
the back door open and we'll go in later?

10.30 tonight,

if you've got the bottle.

How did you manage that?

I just gave them a wee chat about respect.

- Thanks, Nick.
- Not a problem, Malcolm.

You want to be careful -

you could bump into the wrong bloke
and do yourself a naughty.

You know that thing you said?

- What thing was that?
- About, you know, wanting me.

- Did you mean it?
- Why do you think I stay here?

I've got a thousand things to do,
a thousand places to be, but I can't go.

I can't leave, because the thing
I want most in the world is here.

Right here.

I want to give you sex
that leaves you panting for more!

Sex that makes you finally realise
what James Brown was singing about.

I could be getting that already.

(John) Alison!

No stud I know ever wore nylon pants
and plastic trainers.

- I've got a good life.
- You deserve better!

You should be in Armani,
not high-street tat.

(John) Alison,
have you seen my blowtorch anywhere?

We've got to be careful.
John's mad jealous.

I'm mad jealous! I'm jealous of him!

I'm jealous of people
who look at you in the street,

because I want all of you, all the time!

(John) Alison!
Where the bloody 'ell are you?

- (Footsteps)
- I wanna do the metalwork on the bird table.

You gone mutton or something?

You sing about pain, but I don't believe you.

Didn't you hear me shouting?

Oh, sorry, John,
I was filling Alison in on headache.

I don't think she's had her head broken.

- You taking the piss?
- No.

- What's going on? Didn't you hear me?
- I had the radio on!

- Going on? I don't understand.
- I think you do!

- John!
- Downstairs, now!

John?

John, you don't think...?

You don't mean Alison and me?
You really don't think...?

I never stop thinking!
That's where you got me wrong.

I would never do that to you.

No?! Well, just in case, get out!

- Go on, get out!
- Fine!

You think I'd mess this up, with
record companies beating the door down,

just for a quick feel of Alison's arse?
Do you?

You never mentioned record companies.

What do you think I do all day?

Choreographers to check out,
press to schmooze.

Just so you and your missus can earn
a foflune, and this is how you pay me back!

Yeah, well, I've got a very young wife.

Have you any idea
what chance I'm giving you?

- I'm sorry.
- I was like Alison once, you know.

I was young, I was talented,
and I got a lucky break.

And do you know what happened? I blew it.

Choked on nerves and that was it -
chance gone, just like that.

I'm sorry, mate. I had no idea.

- And still you shove it back in my face!
- All right, all right.

But there's still no need to go, not like this.

Come on, Nick.
Give us another chance, eh?

All right, John.

All right.

But if you want to know who's chasing
your wife, try looking closer to home.

(Flatly) I'd say love was a magical thing

I'd say love will keep us from pain...

Never mind who I am.

Just make sure you're at the back
of Wickens Newsagents by 10.30, OK?

- There you go, boys.
- Do you want some?

No, I thought I told you where I stand
vis-a-vis "substances".

Oh...

Have you seen that, Dave?

To lose you would out like a knife...

(Dave) What about him?
(Nick) He must be taking the piss.

No, I don't dare

- Cos I've never come close...
- Here!

- What you say that for?
- Just public spirited.

You are the only one...

(Music off)

Thank you, Danny Absolon(!)
Go on...get off!

(Weak applause)

Right, ladies and gentlemen,

if you want to win one of these
hand-crafted bird tables,

- just put your name down.
- Bring Danny Absolon back on!

You got a problem, have you? Eh?

- You want some, do you?
- John!

They didn't mean anything.
Come on, carry on.

One more smile,
you get a good hiding, all right?

So...a big hand for the lovely Alison,

who will sing Macy Gray.

It's locked! He said it'd be open!

He did say half ten, didn't he?
Try turning it the other way!

Yes!

- Hello, lads.
- Shit!

- Fun's over.
- Bastard!

- What do you think?
- Oh, it's lovely.

- You look a picture.
- I'll just get changed.

No, don't!

I'll save them for a big night, eh?

Do you think I'll get used to people
just looking at me all the time?

Do you still love me?

What?

- I know you can do better.
- No, I can't.

I know I'm not what you dreamed of
but then who would dream of me?

But a man has limits, Alison!
A man has limits!

John, where do you get this stuff from, eh?

If I thought there was anybody else,
I'd kill him!

Calm down! Come on!

I mean, my life would be over anyway
if you cheated on me.

Look, it’s just the thing is, I've...

It's been months since we did anything...

You know, in the...bedroom department!

I'll always love you, John.
Sometimes I love you in different ways.

Doesn't always have to be in that way.
Does it?

(Danny) There are bells on the hill

But I never heard them ringing

No, I never heard them at all...

Oi! Can you hear singing?

Don't be silly! Go to sleep!

You've got too much imagination -
that's your trouble!

(Singing continues)

I never saw them at all...

Till there was you

And there was music

And there were wonderful roses...

Nick, here you are!

Ah, lovely! A nice cup of tea,
like my mummy used to make!

Oh, biscuits! Biscuits!

Oh, yeah. Very showbiz.

She's got a granddaughter she reckons
will be the next Charlotte Church.

You going out?

Yeah, cash-and-carry.
We had a run on dry-roasted.

- See you later, then.
- I'm terrified to leave her alone!

Even for an hour!

John, she's crazy about you!
Anybody can see that!

She's changed.
Her head's somewhere else!

She's a star in the making.
Let her have her moods.

- It's that Danny.
- Danny?

I even thought I heard him
singing outside the window!

Danny looks like he'd need a splint
to get it up!

Something's going on.
I'm going mad with it!

Calm down, John.

I'm going to see a publicist this afternoon,
but I'm free till then.

If Danny shows his face
while you're out, I'll be there.

Yeah? Would you do that?

I'll give you three reasons why -
one, Danny's a wanker.

He doesn't deserve
to be removing Alison's clothes.

Kissing her neck while sliding his hand
under her bra strap

- and, with a sly flick, frees her pen breasts.
- All right!

Two - Alison doesn't need distractions,
not at this stage.

What she's doing now
is the hardest bit. And three...

Three, John? We're mates.

Yeah... Yeah.

- Thanks, mate.
- Not a problem, John.

I was thinking of going a bit Morrissey
for the spring.

I tried it before, but it made me look
like a teddy boy with a thyroid problem.

Danny.

- If John finds out, he'll kill me.
- Why are you wasting yourself on John?

- You can't have everything in this life.
- Can't you? Who told you that?

He'll chuck me out. I'll be homeless!

It'll be worth it
if you want me as much as I want you!

I'll have to move in with you.

Marvin Gaye sang, "Giving yourself to me
can never be wrong." Never put better.

You'll look after me, won't you, Nick?

Oh, yeah!

I'll give you a looking after
you won't believe!

- Whatever happened to Marvin Gaye?
- That's not important now.

(Urgent knocking)

It's John! What are we gonna do?

- Why would he knock on his own door?
- Cos I bolted it.

What?! Why not just put up a sign, saying,
"Closed for a quick shag, coming soon"?

(Knocking)

Khaki's the new black!
Martine's gone blonde! Will's gone straight!

"Posh doesn't look overly enthusiastic.

"The sunglasses could mean she wants
to cover pan of her true expression." Funny..

Listen, Edward Scissorhands,
why don't you just go home?

- But you said...
- All this romantic stuff, your bad poetry,

your soppy songs,
your cheap flowers, it's bullshit.

It's just lust in nice wrapping.
You disgust me.

Hello, darling! That was quick!

All right, John?

Don't you "John" me!
Get out, and stop sniffing round my wife!

- Me?
- Don't come all innocent with me!

- Get out before I throw you out!
- Just bringing her Heat!

- (Nick) You'd better go.
- I'II tear your head out!

John, calm down, it was just
one of those things that happen.

- Don't listen to him!
- Get out of it, come on!

- I've had enough of this! Get out!
- (Crash, followed by dog barking)

That first night, when you walked into
the karaoke and started to sing...

I'm not ashamed to say,
broke my head.

Wasn't that bad, was it?

No! I saw you singing,
I saw how you looked, and...

I knew I was too old. It couldn't be.

Just a sad old man cursing his luck
because he wasn't young any more.

- Don't do this, John!
- Then when you said you loved me...

That night,
when you got thrown out of your flat,

when you told me you loved me...

Ugh! I know this sounds sad and pathetic.

Maybe I am sad and pathetic, eh?

Maybe that's why you've gone
to look in pastures new, so to speak!

I'm not looking anywhere else!

Look, I know I can be a boring old...

But not that runt Danny!

- Not him!
- Nothing happened!

I promise, nothing happened!
You know what he's like!

Yeah, but where's it gonna lead?
That's what I keep asking myself!

Well, don't, because it means nothing.

It's never gonna go anywhere.

Look, I know I'm a jealous man.
I'm sorry.

But I close my eyes,

and all I can see is the two of you together.

( Spandau Ballet: True)

I chose you, didn't I?

I chose my lovely John!

I'm sorry, I'm all in a lather now!

(Record scratches off)

I...I don't think I can manage it.

(Sighs)

- Sorry.
- It doesn't matter.

(Chuckling) What a good-looking bunch.

I'd say they take after their granny.

Lovely cookies, Nick.
Are they your own recipe?

- Very much so.
- Mmm! Very unusual taste.

I've gone all giggly.
Must be the excitement of having a visitor.

I bet you've loads of visitors.

- Sure your family are here all the time.
- They used to be, a lot more.

But the grandchildren are teenagers now

and they don't want
to hang around with an old lady.

- What old lady's that, then?
- Oh, go away!

You're talking as if your life was over.

You could still move somewhere.
You could move to the seaside. Why not?

What if l didn't like it? I'd be stuck.

Cash in your equity
and buy somewhere smaller.

- If you didn't like that, buy somewhere new.
- That sounds a bit complicated.

Come here. Why don't I run you down
to Bournemouth on Saturday

- to see what you can get for your money?
- Oh...

- A day trip would be nice.
- I wasn't brilliant with my own mum.

Never got to see her as much as I should,
the world I move in.

You tell yourself you never have the time.

Then, when Mum died,
I realised I never would have the time.

Not with her.

I wasted it.

So, you know, maybe lost mothers and lost
sons bump into each other for a reason.

Punctured bicycle

On a hillside desolate

Will nature make a man of me yet?

- When in this charming car...
- All right?

I wanna come clean with you, John.

- What about?
- I've led you on.

- You've what?
- I've let you down. I'm sorry.

- Well, go on.
- I trusted someone.

Always a mistake in this business.
Three grand's worth of mistake in this case.

Three grand?

This bloke I know said he could get her
some time in a great studio.

Tomorrow night. Very reduced rate.
Late cancellation from Sting.

Did his back in during tantric sex,
apparently.

Anyway, I gave him one grand up front
but now he says he wants another two,

- by tomorrow, in cash.
- Cheeky bastard!

I think he's got a weakness for Colombia...

I like coffee as much as the next man!

So the dates don't work for me now.

Maybe next year or something, I could come
back and we could work something out.

- Next year?
- Yeah.

Your ranch-style villa in Barbados
is gonna have to wait.

- Villa in Barbados?
- Still, you've got all this.

Hold on! Hold on...

Wah!

(John) If this bloke got his two grand,

we could have the studio, right?

It's not about the money - it's the principle.
He gave me his word.

- But what if l gave you the two grand?
- No chance! It's a rip-off.

But I've got it, in cash upstairs.
I could give it to you now.

Oh, no, no, no, John.
That's not the way I do business.

Nick, Alison has set her head on this.

If it doesn't happen, I think I might lose her.

So, please, I wanna pay.
I wanna give you the money.

(Music ends)

(Weak applause)

(Blows a steady note)

(Inhales deeply)

One day I'll fly away

Leave your love to yesterday...

A finger-end of wax every morning
to keep it in shape, Mr Wickens.

Thank you, Danny.

- You've got to let me in!
- Just go away!

I know where Alison's gonna be
tonight, alone.

Tangerine Recording Studios.
She's making a demo tape.

- So why won't John be there?
- He can't be. He'd never leave his karaoke.

We should ask him, if that's true.

End up with your wedding tackle
hanging from the beer pumps?

Why should I believe you?
You lied before. You set me up!

Set you up? Danny, I saved your life.
I knew John was coming home

and Alison was so eager for you,
she'd have no self-control!

I had to keep you two apart

- Now John's more suspicious than ever!
- No, he's not. Now is your chance.

Just think how brave
Alison will think you are.

Well...l suppose
it son of makes sense.

It's Romeo and Juliet! Tomorrow,
you'll be strumming her fretboard

and doing requests you never dreamed of.

- Why are you doing this?
- The happier Alison is, the better she sings.

And I know that you will make her happy.

It's not that I like you, Danny.
It's just good business.

( Gentle guitar intro)

(Alison clearing her throat)

I know...

I know...

I know that it's over

- All right, John?
- Yeah, bang-on.

(Alison still singing)

Erm...Any sign
of those session musicians yet?

We're living in the digital age, John.

We can sample anyone we like.

Stevie Wonder on keyboards -
who do you fancy?

I thought they were part of the deal.

We can fly it back and forwards,
do precision cut and paste and processing

and send it back to ADAT
without degradation.

Total dynamic of every move, every pan,
every EQ change.

And you're worried about musicians!

Well, no, I suppose not.
Now you put it that way.

John, John, come here to me.

- Time to skin up and chill out, eh?
- Not for me, thank you.

Do you think the Beatles recorded
Sergeant Pepper on tea and toast?

I draw my line in the sand
when it comes to substances.

Fair enough, John, fair enough.

Alison! Put the kettle on, darling.
I brought the biscuits.

I can do cosy mainstream when I have to.

( Tom Jones: It's Not Unusual)

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

But when I see you
hanging about with anyone

It's not unusual to see me cry

I wanna die

It's not unusual to go out at any time

But when I see you out and about
it's such a crime

If you should ever
wanna be loved by anyone

It's not unusual, it happens every day

No matter what you say

Oh!

- Can I?
- Have as many as you like, John.

Not every day a star is born.

No.

Ooh!

But...if you ask yourself...

I mean, if you were to think
to ask yourself...

the question is...

what's a prophet?

I mean, you've got your Jesus,
your Buddha, your Mohammed...

Yeah, but...bit of a coincidence, innit,

that all the prophets that lived
got written about.

That's what I like about you.
You've got vision.

Ground control to Major Tom...
Whoa!

(Laughing)

You want to see visions, John.
I'll just pop these on you.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me, John?

You will hear everything
as it comes through these. OK?

- Lovely. Lovely.
- Lovely.

This is Major Tom..

Ooooh.

( Introduction to Rise)

OK.

I know that it's over

But I can't believe we're through

They say that time's a healer

Yeah

That I'm better without you

It's gonna take time, I know

But I'll get over you

Look at my life

Look at my head

I have seen them fall apart

(Snoring)

To rise again

Just look at my hopes,
look at my dreams

Building bridges from the scenes

Now I'm ready

To rise again

(Nick) 'If you had any idea
how beautiful you are, you'd be deadly.’

(Alison) 'Am I not
just someone you want?’

'Well, I want every last detail.’

'Oh, yeah?

'So what colour are my eyes?’

(Music continues)

(Meaning)

(Music ends)

Will we still be able to get away with this
when we're famous?

You'll not want me when you're famous.

Oh,IWiII.

I wish that was true, but I know what
happens to a woman when success calls.

You'll be the one who really knows me.

Ssh!

What?

I can hear something.

(Man singing)

- I don't want John to find out like this.
- No, no, no. It's coming from outside.

(Danny) Because maybe...

You're gonna be the one who saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

- What are you doing?
- I had to come.

I can't sleep for thinking about you.

All you give me is pain
but that doesn't matter.

My sweet, sweet...

cinnamon.

You make me sound like a Danish pastry.

Give me some hope, Alison,
that's all I'm asking.

A bit of hope before I tear my head out.

I love somebody else, Danny.

You can't love John.
The whole town knows you can't love John.

I'm not talking about John.

I've moved on to better things.

Give me a kiss. Just one kiss. Please?

If I just could kiss you,
I think you'd change your mind.

OK. Come here.

Close your eyes
and don't kiss me until I say. Promise?

I'd promise anything for a kiss.

Kiss me now.

- (Both laughing)
- Eugh!

How could you? You dirty...

(Alison and Nick laughing)

He said he wanted a kiss.

That was fantastic. You are amazing.

- Do you really think so?
- Feel that.

What does that tell you?

(Both) Mmmm...

( King Of The House)

Trailer for sale or rent

Rooms to let - fifty cents...

Forget about her, Danny. If she can't
appreciate you, she's not worth it.

Where's John?
I've got something to tell him!

He's not here, love.
He went out with Alison and Nick.

Don't lie to me!

- You can't go in there, Danny.
- I know he's here!

John! John!

You need to know about Alison and Nick.

John! Where are you?

- You should know the truth!
- (Muffled karaoke singing)

You are extraordinary, you know that?

You've got edge. That counts
for a lot in this business.

What you did before,
showing your arse to Danny!

You knew he was coming.

I needed an insurance policy,
in case John didn't go for the cookies.

- You're evil, you are.
- Ah, now!

(Distant singing)

I could smile for a while

But I saw you last night...

I don't believe it.

- He must have got a taste for it.
- Don't be so rude.

Ah, who could blame him?

You couldn't tell

That I've been crying

Over you

He'll wake John up.
What are we gonna do?

(Danny) Alison.

I've got something for you

but I need one more kiss.

Even if it's just a kiss goodbye,
then I'll leave you alone,

but I'll always be waiting.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

No, Nick! No, Nick, don't! No!

If he's that stupid
he won't notice the difference.

Oh, hang on - he might get lucky.
That Iager's working its magic.

No! Stop it.

- Putting you through now, Vicar...
- (Fading)

Argh! Shit! I've been hit!

(Nick) I've been hit! Do something!

Oh! Ooh!

A-a-a-ah!

A-a-a-ah!

(Winces)

Never, never, never
play the same trick twice.

You've got a lovely bum.
It's like a peach from the supermarket.

I have to hand it to Danny, though.
Didn't think he had it in him.

Oh! Easy, easy.

I love you, Nick.

I love you.

I don't care if John knows.

Did you say we've got a hit?
We've got a hit?

What's going on?

This isn't real, John. It's a dream.

This is your vision.

( The Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams)

Oh! All right, then.

- Argh!
- (Crashing)

Sweet dreams are made of this

Who am I to disagree?

I travel the world and the seven seas

Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want...

I'm going up these stone steps, you see,

except, I'm not really walking up.
I'm son of floating above them, in a way.

It's like a film.
Son of woozy and slow motion.

And I get to the top...

and what do I see?

I get to the top
and there is my beautiful wife, Alison...

bathing Nick's bare bum.

(Laughter)

What did it mean, eh?
What can that possibly mean?

- You got no idea, have you?
- Well, no!

That's the thing with dreams, innit?

There's no guide book.
They're shrouded in mystery.

Mm.

- ( Intro to It Wasn't Me)
- This is for you, John!

It wasn't you...

All right.

Honey came in, caught me red-handed,
creeping with the girl next door

Picture this, we were butt-naked

Love on the bathroom floor...

(Chuckling)

- It's not that funny.
- Everybody else thinks so.

Why do you want to humiliate him?
I'm leaving him for you, isn't that enough?

- He's a fool. He deserves all he gets.
- He did make me queen of karaoke.

Come here to me -
you're better than this.

No matter how it turns out,
you'll always be better than this.

You have to see that
if you're going to get out of here.

Don't worry. I'll be there.

Tomorrow, nine o'clock, like we said.
I won't let you down, Nick.

- I even had her in the shower
- (Shaggy) It wasn't me

- She even caught me on camera
- It wasn't me

- Saw the marks on my shoulder
- Wasn't me

- Heard the words that I told her
- It wasn't me

- Heard the screams getting louder
- Wasn't me

She stayed until it was over

Honey came in, caught me red-handed,
creeping with the girl next door

Picture this, we were both butt-naked,
love on the bathroom floor...

Alison!

Have you come about the break-in?

Break-in?

Excuse me.

- Sorry to disturb you. Is that seat taken?
- Er, no. It's fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Ah, thank you. Thank you.

Sorry if we're a bit full-on,
but we just got engaged.

Oh! Oh, my God. Congratulations.

Cheers. Other one.

Ah, that's special.

Excuse me, again.
Just say no and I'll shut up,

but the thing is,
I work for a television company

and we're developing a reality show
about young couples getting married.

OK. Like a docu-soap?

- Yeah. A bit more tasteful than that.
- And you're looking for young couples?

Yes, I am.

Do you believe in fate?