Camping (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Birthday Party (Part 1) - full transcript

It's great to get a
break from the group.

- Are you having fun?
- No.

Relationships are hard.
It's like this hike.

I'm still panting after
our emotional climb.

And I was also bitten by a snake.

- When?
- It's a metaphor!

Kathryn, your sister is missing.

Walter, are you using a tone with me?

A little bit, yes.

I'm not having any fun.

I should go back to LA.



- No, LA sucks.
- This trip sucks.

Walt, what's the missus's diagnosis?

Is it plain old psychosis?

Kathryn's physically troubled
but she's mentally quite sound.

I don't judge you for
the choices you made.

I'm 100 percent normal.

I thought you'd at least get decorations

from a... a Paper Source or something.

Do they not suffice?

It's fine. Excuse me.

I should have known to
just take care of it myself.

Okay, can everyone go get changed?

From one pair of shorts
to another pair of shorts?

Did you not read in the packing guide



where it said "festive garb"?

Festive means different things
to... to different people.

It feels weird to have a party

while Carleen is still missing.

Uh, it's been approximately five hours

since she made a run for
it, and though she dresses

like a toddler, she is,
in fact, a grown woman.

This is what Carleen
does. She steals focus.

I spent the day walking
through dry brush,

so if anyone should be
angry, it should be me.

Ugh, don't I know it?

I was walking too.

You slunk, actually.

Uh, Kathryn, I do
appreciate all your work,

but it does feel kind of odd.

I-I don't know if we can enjoy anything

with one woman down.

Yeah. Thanks, Walt.

I-I-I looked everywhere.

I really looked everywhere.

Why don't I believe that?

For an old shit,

he actually looked pretty hard.

Thank you.

Guys, let's rally.

Come on, we came here to party.

We're not gonna poop out
before the actual party starts.

Fuck, yes, you guys.

Kathryn is right.

It is Walt's birthday.

Don't try to skirt our
tension by agreeing with me.

Guys, it's Walt's birthday.

So get your fashion pants on.

Let's blow the roof
off this barn. Come on.

Oh. Uh, a quick note
about the roof, okay?

It cannot handle too much.

It's... it's historic,

which means it's... It's very dangerous.

Okay, sir, let's vacate
so these adults can party.

Okay, kids, it is Walt's birthday.

Walter, the man we
came here to celebrate.

- Over here.
- Of course you are.

And this is your party.

And we all love the hell out of you,

and... and we have a birthday cake

the size of a husky toddler,
and I packed a new dress,

so you all go and splash some cold water

on your fucking sour faces.

And let's meet back in the barn!

Yee-haw, goddammit!

- Yee-haw!
- Except for you.

Jandice, you can't come.

You are disinvited.

Okay, you can't be serious right now.

I'm as much a part of
this group as you are.

I mean, ask anybody here.

I'm like the heartbeat of this group.

Uh, no, no.

You're your own special group

of people who gave my
son a partial concussion,

of people who grunted all night

and kept me from getting a REM sleep,

of people who dragged
me out into the woods

where you admitted to
being a pathological liar.

Oh, no, I lied,

and then I confessed
to it two hours later,

which actually makes
me rigorously honest.

That is so rigorous, Jandie.

Miguel, shut your face.

Okay.

The border wall goes up between us.

You already said that you
weren't speaking to me,

and then you spoke to me,

so why should I believe
you'll start stopping now?

You may have some birthday cake,

but you can never have my friendship.

Can you get dressed, please?

We have enough yellow.

Walter!

- You okay?
- I'm good.

- So I like this one.
- Yes.

- And this.
- Sure.

Let's see, yeah.

That one?

See if you can get that to play.

Okay, does anyone wanna do a line dance?

Nope, nope, nope, I don't.

My common-law wife is missing, so no.

Okay, well, it's a convenient time

to start using the term "wife."

Should we do cake?

"Should we do cake?"

Should we do cake? It's not even 8:30.

We have to dance, and we have to do

assorted talents, we have to toast you,

and then we can do cake.

Miguel, do your talent.

- Okay.
- Go on.

This is for you, mi amore.

Okay, okay. Okay, never mind.

That was disgusting.
Talents are cancelled.

Guys, what would make
you all have some fun?

You all look like you either wanna leave

or cry or do drugs.

Well, I-I bet you'd all
love to have Jandice's drugs

just thrown right in your mouth.

I bet you're sick of
knowing your own name

and just wish you were on drugs.

Well, Walt hates his birthday.

- So congrats.
- What?

Do you, buddy? You hate your birthday?

Yeah. I mean, no.

I-I want to do what Kathryn had planned.

Who the fuck cares about
what Kathryn had planned?

Hey, it's been a long day.

Yeah. Yeah, these are all long days.

Every single one of these
days has been a long day.

We're all struggling,

but you don't see anybody
else bein' a bitch.

- What?
- Whoa.

Yeah. Yeah, I said it.

Kathryn's a bitch.

- Hey, come on.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, man.

Let's keep the language

a little fucking polite, huh?

Okay, you guys,

remember how Kathryn,

a minute ago, mentioned drugs?

- Yes.
- I have an idea.

Let's do drugs.

- Mm.
- Aha.

We can all feel

that the energy in here is super weird.

We're not communicating effectively.

She's making a good point.

I have some super pure MDMA.

Mm.

And I was waiting for the right moment.

I never thought it
would arise in this camp.

But now I...

Well, I don't... I don't think

that's really necessary.

- I mean, drugs.
- Oh, I don't know, Walt.

It could turn the vibe around.

I got it from my friend

who got it from the guy who invented it.

Kathryn's not gonna
like it if we take drugs.

It was essentially her idea.

I'm literally just echoing
what she was already saying.

Kathryn.

- Sure.
- What?

Fine, sure.

I mean, what-fucking-ever.

This night couldn't get any worse.

This trip couldn't get any worse.

So let's take drugs.

- Let's do drugs.
- Right.

- Fine.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Walt, hold on.

I mean, I've done heroin before.

You know, I snorted it, but still.

I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- Whatever you want.

- I feel like...
- Whatever kind of...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill, right?

- Just start with one.
- Just chill.

- One is fun.
- Just fucking chill.

When did you last take drugs?

Well, we did pot the
month we got together.

- Oh, uh-huh.
- Remember? I hated it.

Yeah.

I ate a chili cheeseburger

and then cried to "Seinfeld,"

but it turned out to be "ER," so...

Huh.

I sure hope you're not mad at me still.

Not at all...

especially since you gave me permission

to have sex with someone else.

Oh, I forgot.

Good luck with that.

Watch and learn.

This is gonna be so
much easier on ecstasy.

- May I cut in?
- Ah!

Who are you talking to?

Is this seat taken?

What seat?

Everything you're saying
right now is so confusing!

I wanna make love to you.

What is he saying, Jandie?

He wants to make love to me.

Do you want to make love to him?

I don't.

- Mm, good.
- I don't.

'Cause that would fucking hurt me, man.

It's not about you, Miguel.

It's not always about Miguel.

I know, baby, I know.

But what about us?

Okay, listen to me.

The train has already left the station.

The train is on the track.

The train is now texting with a guy

who looks like a young
Kris Kristofferson.

Let's just say

I am now emotionally back on Tinder.

Oh, my God.

I've never done the splits before!

You know, Nan said I
could never be a mother,

but we'll see about that.

I'm gonna babysit you
so hard your balls drop.

- What?
- You know what?

Erase that.

And don't tell your mom

I let you use my nail gun, okay?

Nina-Joy, I have something
so important to tell you.

You do?

Yeah.

I just...

I crawled all the way over
from there when I realized it.

Why didn't you just walk?

I don't know.

That's a good question.

Ah, you're so smart.

Thank you. That's nice.

I wanted to apologize.

- Are you fucking kidding?
- No!

I've been trying to
apologize all weekend,

and not just verbally.

I made you something.

An apology doesn't mean anything

if you don't take responsibility

or examine your part in things.

I know. I did.

That's why the crawling.

I know why I told.

Because you're not a very good human?

I was jealous.

I just saw you every day just glowing

and full of life and passion

and energy and happiness,

and I hated you for it.

And I asked you what skin cream you use,

'cause I thought that
was it, and you said,

"It's not a skin cream.
I'm just getting fucked."

I couldn't imagine that I
would ever fuck anyone again

and be happy about it.

That's it.

That's why I did it.

At least, I think.

Honestly, I just came up with it.

That makes sense.

Okay.

Do you have a cig?

Excuse me?

Do you have a cigarette?

I know you secret smoke.

I can smell it.

Okay.

You've been a bad, bad girl, Jandie.

Fiona Apple style.

- Oh, have I?
- Oh.

You know you have.

'Cause good girls don't
hand out drugs at parties.

Oh.

Then what makes it a party?

I'm not a monster.

I know you're not a monster, Joe.

I have a boner.

And I'm super sad about Carleen,

and that's weird.

Well, it's totally natural.

It's a... it's a sadness boner.

Down, boy.

Oh...

Mm.

Yeah, I barely smoke now,

'cause George and I
are trying for a baby,

especially since we're
past the Braylen thing.

Wow, that's amazing.

That's such great news, NJ. Here then.

George wants to fuck someone else.

Good, then you don't have to fuck him.

Some of us wanna fuck our husbands.

Oh.

I'm lying. I don't want that either.

I don't like this movie.

What? This is "Body Heat."

Do you see that guy?
That's William Hurt.

From "Children of a Lesser God."

Exactly.

Now, here, he plays
inept lawyer Ned Racine,

and he's trying to weather
a thick Florida heatwave.

But here's the thing, O-Ring.

We got some naked bodies coming up.

They're featured prominently,
but not gratuitously.

It's all about advancing the story.

My mom says if I see a
naked person in a movie,

I should scream.

Well, that does not surprise me,

considering the source.

Your mom, man.

She got a clenched beauty.

Nudity is natural.

It's beautiful,

as long as both parties are
psyched the hell up about it.

Do you understand?

- I do.
- Good.

Can I see your boobs?

Oh, not a fucking chance
dot com, little man.

- All right.
- All right.

Kids will get their heads stuck

between stair banisters, and that's it.

They'll just... you'll come
home, and you'll just find them

hanging there from the stairs.

What the...

- Hi!
- Wha...

Oh, hi!

Oh, my gosh!

- Hi.
- Hello.

- You're alive.
- Hello.

So good to see you.

Oh, this is just surreal.

Ah. Oh, that feels so good.

Where the hell have you been?

Where haven't I been, Kathryn?

I got so lost.

This nice boy saved my life. Ah!

I was nearly starving
by the side of the road,

and none of you even
came to look for me.

No, no, no.

Everyone came to look for you.

I mean, I didn't, but the others did.

Yes, I spent hours and hours
in the dry brush looking

- and looking and looking.
- Yeah.

I mean, it boned my whole day.

Well, thank you, kind sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, NJ.

Ah... ah! Sorry.

Bad aim.

I would not take you for a wine drinker.

Ah!

- I'm a wine-chugger.
- Yeah?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

A wine...

Oh.

Carleen.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Carleen! Ah, my love.

Ah, my angel.

Carleen, hi.

We were all so worried ab...

That you'd become a truck stop whore.

That's what happens to
cute dummies on the loose.

I was lost.

I had to eat flowers and grubs.

You're high.

Yeah, we're all high.

I can feel my tongue. It's fat.

Wait.

Who are you?

I'm Braylen.

I know who you fucking are.

I'm Braylen, and I'm here

to tell Nina-Joy that I love her.

I cannot live any longer without her.

I tried to find a new love.

I tried to make better choices,

seek people who were
emotionally available.

I dated a single mother,
a physical therapist,

and one of David Hasselhoff's daughters,

and nothing compared
to what I had with her.

Braylen, come on.

I can't.

We WhatsApp'd about this.

I have to see it through with George.

He is the person I chose.

And I gotta keep trying for us.

E-even if that doesn't make sense...

You piece of shit!

You asshole! You bitch!

Fucking asshole!

You raven hair havin' little slug!

I'm gonna park you bald!

- George, George.
- Huh?

George. I know you're hurt,

but you don't have to hurt me.

Oh, I'm gonna hurt you.

I'm gonna fucking hurt you!

Yes! Ah.

Lay off him, man.

- Huh?
- Oh!

He's just a kid.

You lay off me, man!

You take your fat
hamburger hands off me.

Don't you dare fucking touch me!

That's it.

I'm done.

What?

I told you if you ever did that again,

I was done.

I meant it.

I am sick of all your rage.

I'm done.

This is the drugs talking, babe.

I have never been more sober.

I could drive a fucking school bus.

Braylen, let's go to my tent.

Seriously?

I-I just thought I'd have
to pitch myself harder.

I have more to say, and
also, uh, you should know

that I still don't have insurance.

That's fine.

You're a freelancer.

Wait. Wait.

Oh, God.

Look at you, you pathetic fucking loser.

Your woman doesn't
even wanna be with you.

Neither does yours.

- Carleen, don't...
- No.

I'm done too.

You said you would behave
for the rest of the trip.

You said you'd at least try.

I try... I... everyone
else did drugs too.

You're not everyone.

Everyone else can do what they want,

because everyone else isn't you.

Do you want some, honey?

Yeah.

I'm in here. I'm in here.

Um, hey.

Hey.

How good am I at this?

On a scale of one to ten?

You're this many.

Concentration. Uh, uh, uh.

No there's a... there's a rhythm to it.

- I got it.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Mm, mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Concentration six...
No, no, you do every...

You're definitely using
a different rhythm.

I'm not. Every time you start.

Uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh.

Uh, uh, uh.

Hey, Carleen.

Oh, hello.

Where were you today?

I got lost in the
woods after I ran away,

trying to prove that no
one would notice I was gone.

I really missed you.

Thank you. That's sweet.

I think you're a really
special person, Carleen,

and I don't think that Joe

sees you in the way that
you're meant to be seen.

Let me cut to the chase here.

I want you.

I want to run my hand down your...

When are we doing our talents?

Uh, oh, I-I think everyone
just decided to scratch that.

I-I want you and...

Listen up, everybody!

We are doing our talents.

It is talent show time.

Oh, no, no, this... The
talents were cancelled.

And we didn't have a proper election,

but everyone pretty much
decided with their eyes

and their shitty attitudes.

I'm really fine, Carleen.

I really... I-I...

Your present is presence enough.

- Indeed.
- Sit the fuck down, jerks.

We're already sitting.

Tonight is Walter's night,
and we have shown him

about as much respect as
we have shown Mother Earth

on this trip, which is zero.

So.

♪ I got a ticket for
the Walt way 'round ♪

♪ Two bottles whiskey for the Walt ♪

♪ And I sure would like ♪

♪ Some Walt company ♪

♪ We're gonna miss
him when he's gone ♪

♪ When he's gone ♪

♪ When Walt's gone ♪

Oh, my God.

This is really uncomfortable.

- Let's please leave.
- No way.

♪ We're gonna Walt him by his hair ♪

♪ We're gonna Walt him everywhere ♪

♪ We're gonna Walt
him when he's gone ♪

- Aw.
- That was great.

Whoo! Carleen, that was so great.

- Mm.
- Aw.

Thank you. I learned it from YouTube.

Oh, man, Carleen.

That really hit me where I live.

Where do you live?

I live with Nina-Joy.

Or I used to.

Okay, I'm sorry that was so insane.

I knew these people were
crazy, but I didn't think

I was inviting you to,
like, a geriatric rave.

Don't be sorry.

It's weirdly kind of adorable

when old people try to,
like, capture their youth.

It's like seeing
30-year-olds at Coachella.

Anyway, your mom is

really good at "Cups."

After "Pitch Perfect,"
I tried to learn it,

but I basically sucked.

Well, she's not my mom.

She's like my stepmom,

except they aren't
married, but she's nice.

- Where's your mom?
- In a coffin.

Oh.

Sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

I think I was trying to act tough.

It was really stupid
to put it like that.

She died... three years ago.

It's basically the worst
thing that ever happened to me.

I guess that's obvious.

Oh, my God. I can't shut up.

No, no, no, don't stop.

It's... it's sweet and,
like, really morbid.

I mean, I guess that's not
an obviously good combination,

but it... it really works on y...

Whoa, whoa. Hey, what?

What are you... come on, man.

- Don't touch me.
- What are you doing?

Don't ever.

- Oh!
- Ah!

Why is this funny?

What is the joke? I don't get the joke.

Why is it funny?

This is funny.

What?

How about this, you asshole?

Where is this coming from?

Sometimes you are just so awful

that I have to show you
by throwing cake at you.

Sometimes I have to cover up

your meek little mousy face!

Why do you have to be
such a... B all the time?

You're the B.

Then you're the C.

Oh, F you, Carleen. F you!

Why do you have to be so abusive to me?

I'm trying to help!

Why do you insist on being so meek?

Maybe that's just me.

Why do you have to be so
controlling about everything?

Well, who else is gonna do it?

Why did you move to Arizona?

To get away from you.

Whoa!

Spooky sounds in the outhouse.

I hung out there way too long.

Ooh, what the cock-a-doodle-doo is that?

Hey, my angel.

Hi, Walter.

My own Walter.

My own special man.

- Yeah, I am indeed.
- Hi.

- Yeah.
- How you holding up?

I'm amazing.

- Mm-hmm.
- So good.

Carleen got a little
cranky with me, but...

- Yeah?
- I don't know.

I feel like, despite it all,

we really pulled this trip off.

Oh, yeah. We really did, honey.

- I think we did.
- You see?

When you and me are a real team,

you see what we can do?

When we put our heads
and our hearts together,

- we are...
- Unstoppable.

- We are unstoppable.
- Unstoppable.

Oh, yeah.

I love you.

I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Did you know chickens
die when they have sex?

They do?

The one I fucked did.

Nina-Joy and I made up.

We're friends.

- Fantastic news.
- Yeah, and you know why?

We realized neither one of
us want to fuck our husbands.

That's... That is what we bonded over.

I mean, yeah, right?

You know what, Kathryn?

Go fuck yourself.

Walter.

Mm. No.

What is your problem?

You said you wanted
sex, I'm giving you sex.

I think we could spend
the summer in Wales.

I'm trying to get this grant
to study Welsh pentameter.

I realized I hadn't really heard

you speak all that much up until now.

Can't you just admit
that you like Jandice?

This is all your fault.
You ruined everything.

I hate you!

- Kathryn?
- Oh my God. Don't sue us.