Call Me Kat (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Call Me Hot Chick Two - full transcript
(Breathing heavily)
Look who I'm kissing.
- (Door closes)
- It's Max. Can you believe it?
(Moaning, breathing heavily)
Wait.
Are you sure you're okay
with this?
Take your shirt off.
I am abs-olutely okay
with this.
(Both chuckle)
I have wanted to do this
for so long.
So, first round's for speed,
second round is for distance.
Third round is for creativity.
Three rounds? All right.
All right, buddy,
I know we're 40,
but it's time to rise
to the occasion.
Sex pun!
- I've never been so turned on.
- Ah.
You know,
three generations of Silver
women have slept in this bed.
I don't know why I thought
that would be hot.
- Are you purring?
- (purring)
(Groans) Snowball,
get out of here.
(Yowls)
(Chuckles)
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
*CALL ME KAT*
♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
Season 03 Episode 06
Title: "Call Me the Hot Chick Two"
Oh, my gosh, Max is in my bed,
and we did it.
That literally
cuts my bucket list in half.
What do you know?
Three rounds with Kat Silver.
Would've gotten to four
if that pervert cat
wasn't licking himself
in the corner.
I had an orgasm
with Max King bird,
and he was actually here for it!
This is weird. I'm feeling...
What is this?
I don't regret
what I did last night.
Why isn't he saying anything?
Does he regret this?
What is he thinking?
Don't fart.
Don't. Fart.
Okay, be cool.
Just roll over
and say good morning.
It's only Max.
Your friend Max.
Who spun you like a dreidel
in Nana Silver's bed.
All right, I think I can
hide this on the rollover.
On three.
One, two, three.
- Ow!
- Ow, ow. (Sputters)
- You okay?
- Yep.
(Max groans)
Here, let me fan you
with these sheets a little.
So...
last night was fun,
but also stuff that
friends don't normally do.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Yeah.
Are we friends who just had
a crazy night, or...
or are we...?
Yeah.
Are we...?
That's right, Max. I may have
cut off a lock of your hair
while you were sleeping,
but I will not ask you
to be my boyfriend.
Honestly...
I'd like to see
if there's something here.
I mean,
if-if that's what you want.
It worked!
We're gonna do this!
It's happening,
it's happening!
Yeah, we can give it a shot.
(Kat chuckles)
You know,
Papa Silver died in this bed.
Maybe you should just kiss me
so I shut up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wait, why are you so sweaty?
Did somebody finally teach you
how to Dougie?
I was training my son.
He's going out for track.
I mean, it's not football,
but at least it's not band.
Oh, well, I can work with CJ.
I used to run the 100 meters.
I was the fastest girl
in my school.
So was I.
I appreciate the offer,
but, you know,
men run different than women.
I see,
and "different" meaning faster?
Oh, good, you know.
So, you think that
you can beat me in a race
just because you have a penis?
Well, I'm not a scientist,
so I don't know
where the speed is stored,
but yes.
You know what?
That's it.
After work,
we are gonna race.
Put some lotion
on those ashy knees
and meet me in the park
for a good
old-fashioned ass-kicking.
Oh, you're on.
And there won't be
any ass-kicking,
only ass-gazing.
As in, your eyes watching my ass
leave your ass behind.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, my God, you've had sex.
What are you talking about?
Ugh, been so long,
she doesn't remember what it is.
(Singsongy): Knowing when
people had sex is my superpower.
Yeah, it's true.
When she met my parents,
she called them out.
Made church so awkward.
Hold up, you've had sex
with Max.
- (Gasps)
- Max?
Did my name come up?
What happened between me and Max
is private.
We did it three times
last night.
Let's get this baby cooking.
Go lie down
and put your feet in the air.
You need to marinate.
You know, like you do
with an old chicken.
We're putting the baby
on the backburner...
Unfortunate choice of words.
We just want to focus
on seeing where this goes.
We have our first real date
tonight!
Great, we're gonna gamble
my grandchild's existence
on your personality.
I need a drink.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Oh.
(Chuckles):
Oh, we're gonna sit
on the same side
of the booth.
That's the other
half of my bucket list.
Hello, I'm Greg.
Is this your first time
dining with us?
It's actually our first time
dining anywhere as a couple.
We have been best friends
forever,
no benefits, just really strong
feelings for each other.
We're kind of
like Cagney and Lacey,
but we don't solve crimes
and he's not a lady.
He was in a relationship,
and I was in a relationship.
And then last night, Greg,
out of the blue,
boom, bang,
Bonetown, population two.
We did it three times,
and I'm 40.
I'll get you some bread.
He's not coming back, is he?
(Both chuckle)
Why are you staring at me?
- Oh, no, do I have a bat in the cave?
- What?
No! No.
You just, you look great.
Thank you.
Is that a new outfit?
Oh, no.
I-I've had it forever.
Uh, fire sale.
An estate sale.
She died in a fire.
You look really nice.
Thanks. Shaved the ears.
Yeah, that was supposed to be
in my head.
(Chuckles nervously)
- This is weird. Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna sit on that side. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is much better.
You know, now I got
a little elbow room.
Like the settlers moving west,
taking land from the natives.
Why would I go there? I...
You know what,
we both just need to relax.
Let's just,
let's start this thing over.
That's a great idea.
That's a really great idea.
Whoa. What the hell?!
Is there something under the table?
That was my foot.
I was playing footsie.
(Sighs)
I have a very specific phobia
about alligators attacking
my feet under restaurant tables.
That has literally
never happened.
Uh, I saw it on Gator 911.
That poor bride.
Well, this is no gator.
It's a size 12 foot
in a sock from Men's Wearhouse.
(laughs):
That's nice.
Five-toe fandango.
Whoa, gator!
Your other foot.
All right, this is gonna be
a Harlan County two-scamper.
No skipsies, no jumpsies,
no shooty-backsies.
So, you scared?
Scared? Please.
I'm only scared
of three things...
Horror films, snakes
and very low ceiling fans.
Yeah, big talk, old man.
Did you get a biscuit
with those chicken legs?
Yeah, well, these chicken legs
got 11 herbs and spices,
which that makes them extra
crispy, so that means that...
You know what?
Let's just do this.
Okay.
Ready, set, scamper!
[♪ ♪]
(whoops) You see that?
It's the running man.
Ooh, and now, oh,
it's the running Carter.
- (Whimpering)
- (Carter stammers)
- You tripped me!
- (laughs)
Ain't nobody tripping out here
but you, loser.
(High-pitched):
Loser.
- Loser.
- Phil, you saw, she cheated!
What? I'm sorry.
I just realized I'm wearing
two different color shoes.
(laughing)
How's your lamb?
Good.
How's your pasta?
Good.
This lamb is terrible.
Why didn't I tell her that?
I could've said,
"Pretty baaad."
I just wanted
this night to be special.
I shaved every inch of my body.
I'm like a fricking dolphin.
Why can't I think of
something funny or cool to say?
Wait, I got it.
Is it just me or is
the service here pretty baaad?
What?
I don't know
what's wrong with me, I'm sorry.
- Me, too. Why is this so awkward?
- (laughs): I don't know.
We're usually so comfortable
together.
Like this morning,
I heard you fart.
What? No. No.
It was, it was your bed.
You said so yourself,
it's very old.
(Sighs)
We had so much fun last night.
And again this morning.
I want this
to be more like that.
You know, we could wash away
this whole night in my shower.
That's a slip-and-fall risk.
Safety first, sexy second.
Don't worry, 'cause my shower
has grippy ducks on the floor.
Recommended by the AARP.
Really?
Well, those grippy ducks are
about to swim with a dolphin.
I don't get that,
but quack, quack, quack.
- (Imitating dolphin)
- (quacking)
Ooh, a candle.
I didn't realize Bonetown had
a Spiced Pumpkin district.
We're close to shopping
and the schools are excellent.
Are they?
Maybe you're a teacher
and I'm the new student.
Yeah.
And you're in trouble because
you didn't do your homework.
Why wouldn't I do my homework?
I'm all for role-play
but, like, it has to make sense.
Okay, all right, so...
what would you want
to get in trouble for?
I don't want to get
in trouble for anything.
I'm new to this school,
I'm trying to make
a good impression.
Maybe let's work up
to role-play.
Oh, um...
- I could be a foreign exchange student.
- Oh.
(Irish accent): Good day
to ya, Professor King bird.
Do you want to see
where I hid me pot o' gold?
I'm not gonna lie.
I don't hate that.
KAT:
Oh, no, I am wearing
some weapons-grade
shape wear right now.
He doesn't need to see
how this sausage is cased.
Uh, actually, I'm gonna run
to the bathroom real quick.
(Irish accent):
When you come back,
you can kiss me Blarney Stone.
Damn, you're sexy.
(Panting)
(Grunting)
This is like prom
all over again.
You know, if I went to prom.
(Grunting)
- Ow!
- MAX: You okay?
Yeah, yeah,
just getting ready to pee!
Oh, oh, I don't want him
to hear this mighty tinkle.
MAX:
Are you taking a shower?
Yeah, just gonna take
a quick rinse.
(Irish accent):
Ooh, you've got Irish Spring!
It's the body wash of me people.
MAX: I'm gonna get us
a bottle of wine.
Yeah, and I'm gonna make room
for that wine.
(Mouthing)
(Exclaims, grunts)
Hard to believe
I didn't go to prom.
What do we think?
Does this pose say
"my butt's never been dunked
in toilet water"?
What is taking him so long?
- Oh! (Laughing)
- Ooh! (Laughing)
I don't understand cricket,
but I do understand
a guy getting hit in the nuts.
Hey, balls hitting balls.
It's poetic.
Hey, uh, what's going on?
Oh, you've got to see
these bloopers.
The Phil lie Phanatic's about
to take a fastball to the nuts.
They're all pretty much about
guys taking one to the nuts.
Uh, what happened
to getting us wine?
Oh, right.
Hey!
You know what, uh, just keep it.
I'll be hanging out
in your bedroom,
and if you'd rather watch
guys get hit in the testicles
with your buddy,
that's, it's fine,
that's fine by me.
Bruh, you have
the coolest girlfriend.
(Sighs)
Hey. I shouldn't
have kept you waiting.
Carter was upset
about his fight with Randi.
(Chuckles) He, he was
even crying a little.
CARTER:
The hell I was!
You know, I-I think
I just want to go home.
What? No, no.
- We can turn this around.
- Can we?
I mean, this night has been off
from the beginning.
And it's not just the-the wine
or the TV or the freak hurricane
that hit your bathroom.
Wait, what?
Climate change.
It's fine.
I just, I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Okay. Bye.
(Door closes)
What the hell?!
(Singsongy):
I've got something
to show you.
I get it, your mole looks
like Winnie the Pooh.
Go see a doctor.
I got a video
of your race with Randi.
Really?
How'd you get it?
Security cam.
Let's just say my dalliance
with a certain deputy mayor
finally paid off.
Hey, y'all. I'm so excited
to be auditioning
for So You Think You Can Dance.
'Cause I think I can.
No, no, that's the wrong file.
I see.
(chuckles)
Okay, here we go.
I'm winning.
Here's where we're close.
Let's slow it down.
She never touched me.
She was pulling ahead
when you fell.
She spanked you.
Just like I spanked
that deputy mayor.
Well...
I know what I got to do.
My audition!
What do you want me to do, Phil?
Tell my girlfriend the truth?
Hey.
How was your night with Max?
Randi, do your thing.
They didn't have sex.
You know, I don't
appreciate people talking
about how I didn't have sex.
It's like high school
all over again.
And college.
And my 30s.
What happened, sweetheart?
I don't know.
We went out
for a romantic dinner.
It was super awkward.
I thought I got attacked
by a gator.
I fell in his toilet
and my Spanx are in an oak tree.
Carter thought
that was a beige raccoon.
He was so excited thinking
he discovered a new species.
This was only our first date.
What if it never gets better
and Max and I were stupid
to think we could ever
be a couple?
Maybe this whole thing was
a huge mistake.
Let's keep
some perspective here.
Those glasses were
a huge mistake.
It's not romantic dinners
that will get you
through a lifetime together.
It's the fact that you two
are such good friends.
That's the foundation
for everything.
Look at your father and me.
Dad did always say
you were his best friend.
I assumed it was
a hostage situation.
We loved being together.
We made each other laugh.
Although we did tie each other
up from time to time.
- Oh!
- Okay! You are a freak.
We can have a talk when
the children leave the room.
Yeah, thank you,
you've been very helpful.
You've given me
a lot to think about,
and one disturbing thing
to try and forget.
We used Kat's jump rope.
Two things!
- Hey.
- Hey, what's that?
They're running shoes.
I got them for CJ
for his tryouts.
Oh, really? Aw, thank you.
Ooh, and they're spiked.
Fast around the track,
hard on my ex-wife's floors.
Win-win.
Yeah, I didn't know if you would
have time to buy them yourself,
you know,
given how slow you are.
Look, there's no way for us
to know for sure
what happened in that race.
So let's just blame Phil
and move on.
Fine, but can you do me a favor?
Don't tell CJ
that boys are faster than girls.
Because that's how the guys
treated me on the track team,
and it sucked.
All right.
I'll see you.
Hold up.
Yeah?
Uh, I saw security footage
of our race,
and you didn't trip me.
Ha! I knew it. I beat your ass.
Piano man,
play "We Are the Champions."
Not if you want
to get paid, Lawrence.
Listen.
There's something else
I want to tell you.
I think you should train CJ.
Really?
Yeah, you ran track.
You'd be a better coach.
And it's hard for me
to teach what's God-given.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
You think it'll be okay
even though
I don't have
a penis full of speed?
Yeah, that was stupid.
Clearly you've got
a lot of it in your boobs.
Hey, I got your text.
Everything all right?
Yeah, I just wanted to see you.
Oh, okay.
You said "important,"
so I thought you got locked
on the roof again.
(laughs)
So what's up?
Okay, well, um...
I've been thinking.
What's, like,
your favorite moment
we've ever spent together?
Oh, that's easy.
The first time
we ever sang together.
"Time of My Life"
from Dirty Dancing?
Yeah, karaoke contest
at Warblers.
We came in second
to those frat boys
doing "Bohemian Rhapsody."
They didn't even know
who Galileo was.
Yeah, idiots.
So... what's yours?
Sophomore year,
the night we finished finals.
- Aw.
- We took a blanket to the park.
We had pizza and beer.
We're all growed up now.
And we made wishes
on a shooting star.
Mine...
was that
that night would never end.
That's so sweet.
Mine was that Rob Schneider
would make The Hot Chick 2.
(Both laugh)
Max, I don't want
to lose moments like that.
Like this.
What? Why would we?
Because if this dating thing
doesn't work out,
it's gonna be weird.
So...
So you're saying that
you don't want to do this?
It's not worth it if it means
we're never gonna be
Kat and Max again.
(Exhales)
I get why you're afraid.
I am, too.
But...
I think that we have
a chance at something
really special.
So do I.
And I can't promise
that this is gonna work out,
but I can promise
that you are never gonna
lose me as a friend.
How can you promise that?
Kat.
You couldn't lose me
if you tried.
Should we go inside?
Or should we stay right here?
I don't think
anybody can see us.
(Whispers):
He doesn't know about you.
♪ We need peace ♪
♪ We need love ♪
♪ You're my beloved ♪
♪ I'm not a boy ♪
♪ I've been around a little
longer than 40 years now ♪
♪ And one thing that I know ♪
♪ Is nothing, nothing changes ♪
♪ If we'll just... ♪
Captioning sponsored by
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
Look who I'm kissing.
- (Door closes)
- It's Max. Can you believe it?
(Moaning, breathing heavily)
Wait.
Are you sure you're okay
with this?
Take your shirt off.
I am abs-olutely okay
with this.
(Both chuckle)
I have wanted to do this
for so long.
So, first round's for speed,
second round is for distance.
Third round is for creativity.
Three rounds? All right.
All right, buddy,
I know we're 40,
but it's time to rise
to the occasion.
Sex pun!
- I've never been so turned on.
- Ah.
You know,
three generations of Silver
women have slept in this bed.
I don't know why I thought
that would be hot.
- Are you purring?
- (purring)
(Groans) Snowball,
get out of here.
(Yowls)
(Chuckles)
♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
*CALL ME KAT*
♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
Season 03 Episode 06
Title: "Call Me the Hot Chick Two"
Oh, my gosh, Max is in my bed,
and we did it.
That literally
cuts my bucket list in half.
What do you know?
Three rounds with Kat Silver.
Would've gotten to four
if that pervert cat
wasn't licking himself
in the corner.
I had an orgasm
with Max King bird,
and he was actually here for it!
This is weird. I'm feeling...
What is this?
I don't regret
what I did last night.
Why isn't he saying anything?
Does he regret this?
What is he thinking?
Don't fart.
Don't. Fart.
Okay, be cool.
Just roll over
and say good morning.
It's only Max.
Your friend Max.
Who spun you like a dreidel
in Nana Silver's bed.
All right, I think I can
hide this on the rollover.
On three.
One, two, three.
- Ow!
- Ow, ow. (Sputters)
- You okay?
- Yep.
(Max groans)
Here, let me fan you
with these sheets a little.
So...
last night was fun,
but also stuff that
friends don't normally do.
Yeah. (Laughs)
Yeah.
Are we friends who just had
a crazy night, or...
or are we...?
Yeah.
Are we...?
That's right, Max. I may have
cut off a lock of your hair
while you were sleeping,
but I will not ask you
to be my boyfriend.
Honestly...
I'd like to see
if there's something here.
I mean,
if-if that's what you want.
It worked!
We're gonna do this!
It's happening,
it's happening!
Yeah, we can give it a shot.
(Kat chuckles)
You know,
Papa Silver died in this bed.
Maybe you should just kiss me
so I shut up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wait, why are you so sweaty?
Did somebody finally teach you
how to Dougie?
I was training my son.
He's going out for track.
I mean, it's not football,
but at least it's not band.
Oh, well, I can work with CJ.
I used to run the 100 meters.
I was the fastest girl
in my school.
So was I.
I appreciate the offer,
but, you know,
men run different than women.
I see,
and "different" meaning faster?
Oh, good, you know.
So, you think that
you can beat me in a race
just because you have a penis?
Well, I'm not a scientist,
so I don't know
where the speed is stored,
but yes.
You know what?
That's it.
After work,
we are gonna race.
Put some lotion
on those ashy knees
and meet me in the park
for a good
old-fashioned ass-kicking.
Oh, you're on.
And there won't be
any ass-kicking,
only ass-gazing.
As in, your eyes watching my ass
leave your ass behind.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, my God, you've had sex.
What are you talking about?
Ugh, been so long,
she doesn't remember what it is.
(Singsongy): Knowing when
people had sex is my superpower.
Yeah, it's true.
When she met my parents,
she called them out.
Made church so awkward.
Hold up, you've had sex
with Max.
- (Gasps)
- Max?
Did my name come up?
What happened between me and Max
is private.
We did it three times
last night.
Let's get this baby cooking.
Go lie down
and put your feet in the air.
You need to marinate.
You know, like you do
with an old chicken.
We're putting the baby
on the backburner...
Unfortunate choice of words.
We just want to focus
on seeing where this goes.
We have our first real date
tonight!
Great, we're gonna gamble
my grandchild's existence
on your personality.
I need a drink.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Oh.
(Chuckles):
Oh, we're gonna sit
on the same side
of the booth.
That's the other
half of my bucket list.
Hello, I'm Greg.
Is this your first time
dining with us?
It's actually our first time
dining anywhere as a couple.
We have been best friends
forever,
no benefits, just really strong
feelings for each other.
We're kind of
like Cagney and Lacey,
but we don't solve crimes
and he's not a lady.
He was in a relationship,
and I was in a relationship.
And then last night, Greg,
out of the blue,
boom, bang,
Bonetown, population two.
We did it three times,
and I'm 40.
I'll get you some bread.
He's not coming back, is he?
(Both chuckle)
Why are you staring at me?
- Oh, no, do I have a bat in the cave?
- What?
No! No.
You just, you look great.
Thank you.
Is that a new outfit?
Oh, no.
I-I've had it forever.
Uh, fire sale.
An estate sale.
She died in a fire.
You look really nice.
Thanks. Shaved the ears.
Yeah, that was supposed to be
in my head.
(Chuckles nervously)
- This is weird. Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna sit on that side. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, this is much better.
You know, now I got
a little elbow room.
Like the settlers moving west,
taking land from the natives.
Why would I go there? I...
You know what,
we both just need to relax.
Let's just,
let's start this thing over.
That's a great idea.
That's a really great idea.
Whoa. What the hell?!
Is there something under the table?
That was my foot.
I was playing footsie.
(Sighs)
I have a very specific phobia
about alligators attacking
my feet under restaurant tables.
That has literally
never happened.
Uh, I saw it on Gator 911.
That poor bride.
Well, this is no gator.
It's a size 12 foot
in a sock from Men's Wearhouse.
(laughs):
That's nice.
Five-toe fandango.
Whoa, gator!
Your other foot.
All right, this is gonna be
a Harlan County two-scamper.
No skipsies, no jumpsies,
no shooty-backsies.
So, you scared?
Scared? Please.
I'm only scared
of three things...
Horror films, snakes
and very low ceiling fans.
Yeah, big talk, old man.
Did you get a biscuit
with those chicken legs?
Yeah, well, these chicken legs
got 11 herbs and spices,
which that makes them extra
crispy, so that means that...
You know what?
Let's just do this.
Okay.
Ready, set, scamper!
[♪ ♪]
(whoops) You see that?
It's the running man.
Ooh, and now, oh,
it's the running Carter.
- (Whimpering)
- (Carter stammers)
- You tripped me!
- (laughs)
Ain't nobody tripping out here
but you, loser.
(High-pitched):
Loser.
- Loser.
- Phil, you saw, she cheated!
What? I'm sorry.
I just realized I'm wearing
two different color shoes.
(laughing)
How's your lamb?
Good.
How's your pasta?
Good.
This lamb is terrible.
Why didn't I tell her that?
I could've said,
"Pretty baaad."
I just wanted
this night to be special.
I shaved every inch of my body.
I'm like a fricking dolphin.
Why can't I think of
something funny or cool to say?
Wait, I got it.
Is it just me or is
the service here pretty baaad?
What?
I don't know
what's wrong with me, I'm sorry.
- Me, too. Why is this so awkward?
- (laughs): I don't know.
We're usually so comfortable
together.
Like this morning,
I heard you fart.
What? No. No.
It was, it was your bed.
You said so yourself,
it's very old.
(Sighs)
We had so much fun last night.
And again this morning.
I want this
to be more like that.
You know, we could wash away
this whole night in my shower.
That's a slip-and-fall risk.
Safety first, sexy second.
Don't worry, 'cause my shower
has grippy ducks on the floor.
Recommended by the AARP.
Really?
Well, those grippy ducks are
about to swim with a dolphin.
I don't get that,
but quack, quack, quack.
- (Imitating dolphin)
- (quacking)
Ooh, a candle.
I didn't realize Bonetown had
a Spiced Pumpkin district.
We're close to shopping
and the schools are excellent.
Are they?
Maybe you're a teacher
and I'm the new student.
Yeah.
And you're in trouble because
you didn't do your homework.
Why wouldn't I do my homework?
I'm all for role-play
but, like, it has to make sense.
Okay, all right, so...
what would you want
to get in trouble for?
I don't want to get
in trouble for anything.
I'm new to this school,
I'm trying to make
a good impression.
Maybe let's work up
to role-play.
Oh, um...
- I could be a foreign exchange student.
- Oh.
(Irish accent): Good day
to ya, Professor King bird.
Do you want to see
where I hid me pot o' gold?
I'm not gonna lie.
I don't hate that.
KAT:
Oh, no, I am wearing
some weapons-grade
shape wear right now.
He doesn't need to see
how this sausage is cased.
Uh, actually, I'm gonna run
to the bathroom real quick.
(Irish accent):
When you come back,
you can kiss me Blarney Stone.
Damn, you're sexy.
(Panting)
(Grunting)
This is like prom
all over again.
You know, if I went to prom.
(Grunting)
- Ow!
- MAX: You okay?
Yeah, yeah,
just getting ready to pee!
Oh, oh, I don't want him
to hear this mighty tinkle.
MAX:
Are you taking a shower?
Yeah, just gonna take
a quick rinse.
(Irish accent):
Ooh, you've got Irish Spring!
It's the body wash of me people.
MAX: I'm gonna get us
a bottle of wine.
Yeah, and I'm gonna make room
for that wine.
(Mouthing)
(Exclaims, grunts)
Hard to believe
I didn't go to prom.
What do we think?
Does this pose say
"my butt's never been dunked
in toilet water"?
What is taking him so long?
- Oh! (Laughing)
- Ooh! (Laughing)
I don't understand cricket,
but I do understand
a guy getting hit in the nuts.
Hey, balls hitting balls.
It's poetic.
Hey, uh, what's going on?
Oh, you've got to see
these bloopers.
The Phil lie Phanatic's about
to take a fastball to the nuts.
They're all pretty much about
guys taking one to the nuts.
Uh, what happened
to getting us wine?
Oh, right.
Hey!
You know what, uh, just keep it.
I'll be hanging out
in your bedroom,
and if you'd rather watch
guys get hit in the testicles
with your buddy,
that's, it's fine,
that's fine by me.
Bruh, you have
the coolest girlfriend.
(Sighs)
Hey. I shouldn't
have kept you waiting.
Carter was upset
about his fight with Randi.
(Chuckles) He, he was
even crying a little.
CARTER:
The hell I was!
You know, I-I think
I just want to go home.
What? No, no.
- We can turn this around.
- Can we?
I mean, this night has been off
from the beginning.
And it's not just the-the wine
or the TV or the freak hurricane
that hit your bathroom.
Wait, what?
Climate change.
It's fine.
I just, I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Okay. Bye.
(Door closes)
What the hell?!
(Singsongy):
I've got something
to show you.
I get it, your mole looks
like Winnie the Pooh.
Go see a doctor.
I got a video
of your race with Randi.
Really?
How'd you get it?
Security cam.
Let's just say my dalliance
with a certain deputy mayor
finally paid off.
Hey, y'all. I'm so excited
to be auditioning
for So You Think You Can Dance.
'Cause I think I can.
No, no, that's the wrong file.
I see.
(chuckles)
Okay, here we go.
I'm winning.
Here's where we're close.
Let's slow it down.
She never touched me.
She was pulling ahead
when you fell.
She spanked you.
Just like I spanked
that deputy mayor.
Well...
I know what I got to do.
My audition!
What do you want me to do, Phil?
Tell my girlfriend the truth?
Hey.
How was your night with Max?
Randi, do your thing.
They didn't have sex.
You know, I don't
appreciate people talking
about how I didn't have sex.
It's like high school
all over again.
And college.
And my 30s.
What happened, sweetheart?
I don't know.
We went out
for a romantic dinner.
It was super awkward.
I thought I got attacked
by a gator.
I fell in his toilet
and my Spanx are in an oak tree.
Carter thought
that was a beige raccoon.
He was so excited thinking
he discovered a new species.
This was only our first date.
What if it never gets better
and Max and I were stupid
to think we could ever
be a couple?
Maybe this whole thing was
a huge mistake.
Let's keep
some perspective here.
Those glasses were
a huge mistake.
It's not romantic dinners
that will get you
through a lifetime together.
It's the fact that you two
are such good friends.
That's the foundation
for everything.
Look at your father and me.
Dad did always say
you were his best friend.
I assumed it was
a hostage situation.
We loved being together.
We made each other laugh.
Although we did tie each other
up from time to time.
- Oh!
- Okay! You are a freak.
We can have a talk when
the children leave the room.
Yeah, thank you,
you've been very helpful.
You've given me
a lot to think about,
and one disturbing thing
to try and forget.
We used Kat's jump rope.
Two things!
- Hey.
- Hey, what's that?
They're running shoes.
I got them for CJ
for his tryouts.
Oh, really? Aw, thank you.
Ooh, and they're spiked.
Fast around the track,
hard on my ex-wife's floors.
Win-win.
Yeah, I didn't know if you would
have time to buy them yourself,
you know,
given how slow you are.
Look, there's no way for us
to know for sure
what happened in that race.
So let's just blame Phil
and move on.
Fine, but can you do me a favor?
Don't tell CJ
that boys are faster than girls.
Because that's how the guys
treated me on the track team,
and it sucked.
All right.
I'll see you.
Hold up.
Yeah?
Uh, I saw security footage
of our race,
and you didn't trip me.
Ha! I knew it. I beat your ass.
Piano man,
play "We Are the Champions."
Not if you want
to get paid, Lawrence.
Listen.
There's something else
I want to tell you.
I think you should train CJ.
Really?
Yeah, you ran track.
You'd be a better coach.
And it's hard for me
to teach what's God-given.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
You think it'll be okay
even though
I don't have
a penis full of speed?
Yeah, that was stupid.
Clearly you've got
a lot of it in your boobs.
Hey, I got your text.
Everything all right?
Yeah, I just wanted to see you.
Oh, okay.
You said "important,"
so I thought you got locked
on the roof again.
(laughs)
So what's up?
Okay, well, um...
I've been thinking.
What's, like,
your favorite moment
we've ever spent together?
Oh, that's easy.
The first time
we ever sang together.
"Time of My Life"
from Dirty Dancing?
Yeah, karaoke contest
at Warblers.
We came in second
to those frat boys
doing "Bohemian Rhapsody."
They didn't even know
who Galileo was.
Yeah, idiots.
So... what's yours?
Sophomore year,
the night we finished finals.
- Aw.
- We took a blanket to the park.
We had pizza and beer.
We're all growed up now.
And we made wishes
on a shooting star.
Mine...
was that
that night would never end.
That's so sweet.
Mine was that Rob Schneider
would make The Hot Chick 2.
(Both laugh)
Max, I don't want
to lose moments like that.
Like this.
What? Why would we?
Because if this dating thing
doesn't work out,
it's gonna be weird.
So...
So you're saying that
you don't want to do this?
It's not worth it if it means
we're never gonna be
Kat and Max again.
(Exhales)
I get why you're afraid.
I am, too.
But...
I think that we have
a chance at something
really special.
So do I.
And I can't promise
that this is gonna work out,
but I can promise
that you are never gonna
lose me as a friend.
How can you promise that?
Kat.
You couldn't lose me
if you tried.
Should we go inside?
Or should we stay right here?
I don't think
anybody can see us.
(Whispers):
He doesn't know about you.
♪ We need peace ♪
♪ We need love ♪
♪ You're my beloved ♪
♪ I'm not a boy ♪
♪ I've been around a little
longer than 40 years now ♪
♪ And one thing that I know ♪
♪ Is nothing, nothing changes ♪
♪ If we'll just... ♪
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