Call Me Kat (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Call Me Señor Don Gato - full transcript

I was just a moment

Just a moment behind.

Oh!
Oh...!
Ah!

Ha-ha!
I love it!

It's got this-this cool EDM vibe

but also, like,
a little bit of hip-hop,

maybe a hint of dubstep?

One of those
has got to be right.

That was dope.

Your best one yet.

If I were a young man,
I'd be dancing to it



with my shirt off
and my nose full of poppers.

High praise, Phil.

Randi,

so what did you think?

It's good.

Oh, that's it? Okay.

Well, good is good.
I'll take it.

Max, I need to get back
to class.

I'm in the middle
of a still life,

and my banana
is already rotting.

Yes, yes, of course.

And thank you for your simple

yet to-the-point...
Oh.

Oh.



Hey. CJ sent photos
from his fancy ski vacation.

Oh, wow! Look at him
going down that hill like a pro.

Uh, no. Uh, he's in the pile
of snow next to that kid.

Upside-down in the snow?

Been there.

Who's that good-looking man
next to CJ?

Oh. Yeah, that's
my ex-wife's boyfriend, Xavier.

I mean, what a dumb name.

I mean, is he an X-Man?

And his superpower is, what,

throwing money around
to buy my kid's love?

Xavier is paying
for the whole trip.

It's kind of a touchy subject.

Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm cool with it.

'Cause I'm gonna have the
biggest, baddest present for CJ

when he gets back.

Guess what he's coming home to.

Super Mizula
Hyperlocal Paris Jets.

I need to learn more words.

Those are cool sneakers.

Yeah. Sneakers.
Hey,

they drop tomorrow at midnight,
so I got to get in line early.

I need a line buddy.
I asked Randi,

but she gave me
a definitive "hell no."

Max, what about you?

No way, man.
Tomorrow's my night off.

Darren's covering the bar.

Darren? Did you hire
Cousin Darren again?

Wait, didn't you fire him for
almost burning this place down?

Grandma said
I had to hire him back.

And Grandma's kicking leg
is still strong.

Phil, I bet
you'd be a good line buddy.

Mm, no can do.
I got to bake erotic cookies

for a coed bachelor party.

I'm gonna be up
to my naughty bits

in naughty bits.

Then I guess I'm on my own.

Uh, wait.

You didn't ask me.

I didn't think
it was your scene.

I mean, if we were doing
a math-only trivia night,

then you'd be the first person
I'd call.

I know you're just joking,
but can we do that?

Look, I'm just saying,
all right,

these sneakerheads
don't mess around.

Ha. Believe me, I have waited
in some pretty aggressive lines.

I got the last copy, Muggles!

Uh, I'll send it to you
when I'm done.

Not exactly the same crowd.

But as long as I got somebody
to keep my place while I pee.

This'll be fun!

Ooh, do people wear costumes?

They do not.

I repeat,

they do not.

Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me

Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me.

Wow. Look how far down
this line goes.

Don't people know they can buy
sneakers at Dillard's

with no line?

These are exclusive.
I mean, half the people here

won't even wear 'em.
They'll jack up the price

and sell 'em online
to a Saudi prince

or Will Smith's kids.

Well, I don't get it,
but I'm glad to be here.

So, uh, what do we do now?

We're doing it.

Oh, okay.

You know,
when I was in fourth grade

and we had to wait in line,
my teacher would say,

"Turn to the person behind you
and learn something about them."

I learned that Jenny White
liked to say,

"Stop staring at me, weirdo."

I think
I know you pretty well, Kat.

I know, at some point tonight,
you'll break out the cat videos.

Oh, that's 'cause
there's nothing's cuter

than a cat meowing "I love you."

Uh, oh,

here's something you may not
know about me: One summer,

I worked in the jewelry section
of that department store.

Oh. Well, last summer,
I was followed by security

in that very same
department store.

Okay, so there's that.
Mm-hmm.

You know I like to sing,
but did you know

that my high school choir
placed first in the county?

Oh. Hey, I was in choir, too.

I loved it, but I was terrible.

Sister Mary Ellen
would always say that my voice

was sent by Lucifer to test her.

I thought
nuns were supposed to be nice,

although I'm basing that
solely on Sister Act

Back in the Habit.
Mm.

She had the worst taste.

Songs only your grandparents
would know,

like "There's a Kind of Hush."

Oh, we had to sing that, too.

So lame.

I love it.

It's my go-to for karaoke.

Dude, we sang it
in my choir, too.

No way!
We did, too.

I hated it so hard.

Are all high school choir
teachers stuck in the '60s?

I'll be thrilled

if I never have to hear
that song again.

There's a kind of hush

Oh. Yeah.
I could've called that, too.

All over the world

Tonight

You know you want to.

All over the world

You can hear the sound

Of lovers in love.

Hello, Randi.

Geez, Sheila!

I took a sip.

You're such a maverick,

drinking rosé off-season.

Women today can do anything.

What are you doing here?

I was home obsessing over
my breakup with Preston again.

I-I was hoping Kat could
provide a fun distraction:

A puzzle, or a game,

or just watching her bump
into something.

You know, sometimes I think she
must have an inner-ear thing.

But Kat's out with Carter,

so I was gonna
kind of have a night to myself.

A bubble bath, a trashy book,

and maybe take a lap
around the living room naked,

'cause, you know, I'd be alone.

Well, you deserve it. And I am
not going to get in the way.

Well, I appreciate that.

It's just that your,
uh, body language

is telling a whole other story.

Hi, I left my phone here
this morning.

Hello, Oscar.
Oh, sorry, I didn't know
you were entertaining.

Oh, I'm not,
no one's entertaining anyone.

Ugh, I'm having the worst day.

Tell us about it,
we've got nothing but time.

That's not a hundred percent...

My boss gave my truck...

The one with the seat
perfectly molded to my butt...

To his loser son-in-law.

Now I have to drive the small,
smelly truck.

Oh, that's not good.

You have no idea.

Ooh, now that you say it,
I am getting

a whiff of curdled milk
and wet dog.

I'm getting...
pine.

No way, now my boss
is making me cover

his jerk son-in-law's shift
on Sunday. That's my day off!

I have an idea, hear me out.

You need to vent.
And you need a distraction.

I like where this is going.

Come sit back down.

Or you can go sit down
at the Middle C.

Mm, they do have better wine.
This is undrinkable.

I like this for you... you know,

you're drinking,
you're processing,

you're letting Randi
take her bath.

I guess I could...

You totally could.
Stop doubting yourself!

All right. Thank you.

Hold on, Sheila.

Hey, quick question.

Um, what did you mean when you
said that my song was "good"?

Um, I meant that it was good.

Yeah, you said.

It's just I thought, you know,
as a fellow artist,

that you might expand on that.

Max, you pulled me out
of class to listen to it.

I was a little preoccupied.

Oh. Well, let me play it
for you again.

So close yet so far.

There's a kind of hush

All over the world tonight

All over the world
tonight

All over the world

You can hear the sound
of lovers in love

You know what I mean!

Yeah, you nailed it!

I know he was a little sharp,
but yay for spirit.

That felt good.
Suck it, Sister Mary Ellen.

May she rest in peace.

Oh, that's CJ.
I'm gonna take this.

Hey, son.

And pee while you're at it...
I got you!

I'm all about
those "I love you" cats.

Have you seen Señor Don Gato?

He says "I love you" in Spanish.

No!

Obsessed!

That's amazing.

These cats should have
their own show.

Like, it could really bring
people together,

because love is love no matter
what language your cat speaks.

You're kind of out there,
aren't you?

A little bit.

Wait, did you hear that?

Oh, yes.

Look, there's a kitty.

Oh, and it's in the street,
that's very dangerous.

I have a cat carrier in
my truck. Do you mind if I...

Yeah, yeah, you gotta.
Okay, I'll be right back.

I'm okay!

I was just a moment behind

Just a moment behind.

It's good.

Okay, it's pretty clear,
you hate it.

I don't hate it.

It's fine. I actually think it's
good to be a little polarizing.

You know,
like brussels sprouts...

Some people love them,
some people hate them.

All that matters is they're part
of the national conversation.

Well, if it helps,
I love brussels sprouts.

You know what? I'm gonna go.

I have a penis emergency.

Oh, uh...

He means his cookies.

And by "his cookies," he means?

Actual cookies.

Hey. This little guy
is so sweet,

came right to me; No collar.

It's so frustrating...
If they can say, "I love you,"

why can't they say,
"I live at 400 Crenshaw Avenue"?

No cuts.

Dude, I said no cuts.

Are you serious?
You know I was here.

Hey, I don't know how many pairs
they've got in there.

I'm not letting some rando
cat lady ahead of me.

Rando? We sang together!
We bonded over Señor Don Gato!

Back of the line, ma'am.

Daisy, you gotta
help me out here.

Sorry.
Je ne parle pas anglais.

Hey, it's-it's really important
that my friend get his shoes.

No cuts!
No cuts.

Back of the line.
No cuts.

Get in back of the line.
No cuts.

I'm disappointed in you!
I'm disappointed in you, Daisy.

I'm disappointed
in all of y'all.

Not you, you're great.

I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

They look more like umbrellas.

Yeah, your scale
is definitely off.

And I've never seen one
that hooks like that.

You need more detail.

I have no idea what
I'm putting in my mouth.

Well, for me, it always helps
to have a reference.

You know,
something to work off of.

Oh, that could help.

No. That's what
the Internet's for, my friend.

I know, but then you start
getting all that spam

from ginger bears who
are horny to hook up.

I'll take another crack at it.

Speaking of cracks,
I forgot to do the butts.

Okay, well,
mama is going back to her tub.

Good night!

Just need a little
clarification on the song.

Oh, help me, sweet Black Jesus!

Um, Kat, what the hell?

Oh, um, okay, well,
I've got good news and bad news.

I rescued a cat.
And the bad news is,

well, I think you get that.

I'm so sorry.
Second baritone Damon

told me he'd hold my place.

Of course he didn't.
I thought I could rely on you.

You can! It's just
when I hear a cat meow,

it raises the oxytocin levels
in my brain,

and then all I can focus on
is the cat crying,

so really, part of the blame
goes to science.

We're never gonna
get those sneakers.

So when CJ gets back,
what do I give him?

Quality time with his dad?

He'd probably really like that.

How's that gonna help him
keep it fresh on the playground?

"Hey, guys, I know
I'm wearing last year's kicks,

but my dad really loves me."

Carter, I really believe
there is still a chance.

That sounded way more confident
than I feel.

Your boss has such gall.

"I need 'U' to work on Sun."

The man doesn't
respect you enough

to finish a word.
Right?

Man, I hate that.

Like Carter left me this note,

"C-H-K I-D-S."

Somebody tell me,
what is "chick ids"?

I think he means, "Check IDs."

Oh. Oh...

Son, don't drink that!

Oscar, your problem is,
you're too nice.

You're right.
That's why I got "Ol' Smelly"

and some stranger's basic ass
is on my carefully formed seat.

People take advantage
of nice people.

Are you still coming over
Saturday to hang my shelves?

9:00.

8:00 would be better.
Bring bagels.

What kind?

I don't want to tell you
what to do.

Look, you can be honest with me.

Just tell me what you
didn't like about it,

as long as it doesn't
hurt my feelings.

Okay, the truth?

It's a good song.

It just doesn't sound like you.

You're Singer-Songwriter Guy,
not whatever that was.

Were you rapping at one point?

That's talk singing,
like T-Pain or T-Boz.

It's a thing.

Max, it doesn't matter
if I like it.

Do you like it?

This is what sells.

This is what they want,
a song with a focused lyric,

a memorable hook, and a fresh
radio-friendly melody.

Did you search
"How to write a hit song"?

No.

Okay, I'm gonna say this,
artist to artist.

We can never really know
what they want.

We can aim for the bull's-eye,
but they'll probably

move the target.

There's no guarantee anyone
will buy our work,

so shouldn't it at least be
something that we like?

I knew there was a reason
I obsessed over your opinion.

Thanks.

Okay, I will leave you
to your night alone.

Thank you.

I need fresh eyes on my penises.

Of course you do.

Okay, I did some recon.

According to the manager,

there are eight pairs
of size nines left.

But only seven people
in front of us want a nine.

There were eight,
but I talked some kid

into paying his rent instead
because come on.

So that means there's still
one pair left for us!

You're sure?
Hundo.

Sorry, man, we just sold
our last nines.

What? That's impossible.

No, I did the math,
and it's like beginner algebra.

I've been doing it
since I was a toddler.

Literally. There was
an article about me.

I'm so not high enough for this.

I know for a fact that you
have one pair of nines left,

and we are not
leaving here without them.

Kat, stop! We're not
getting the damn shoes!

This would never happen
at Dillard's.

They look so real.

Too real. Like I could get
pregnant just looking at 'em.

Nurse Nelson texted me
a picture of his "cookie."

I may have studied it
a little too long.

Maybe split the difference
between abstract and,

"Hey, there's
Phil's boyfriend's junk."

It's so good having
an artist in residence.

All right, I'm going up.

I think there's still time
to have a little of my night.

My life is ruined!

And I set myself up for that.

What happened?

And if I wasn't so nice,
I'd tell him, "You're a bully,

"and nobody likes you.

"Walking around with that
'World's Best Boss' mug...

"You know you bought it
yourself!

And you know
there's booze in that cup."

Oh, wait, wait a minute.
Your-your phone is

typing everything you're saying.

Oh, no, no, be careful.

You hit the voice-texting icon.

Oh, yeah, I can get rid of that,
I'll just...

She hit the arrow?

Yes! She sent that text
to my boss.

Oh, dear.
Maybe he won't see it.

Yeah, yeah, no one checks
their texts anymore.

Oh, God, he wants me
to call him.

I knew that would happen.

Okay, we've got to
come up with a story.

Your phone was stolen.

Or you were hacked.

Or you were kidnapped
and forced to text.

You guys, none of these ideas
are going to work.

There's only one way to play
this: You've got to own it.

I think we could've spent
a little more time

on that kidnapping idea.

Hey. I'm really sorry.

This day sucks.

First that phone call, now this.

What happened on the phone call?
Is CJ okay?

He's fine. He just told me that
Xavier proposed to Stephanie

on the slopes today.

So, my ex-wife
is getting married.

Oh, wow. That's a big deal.

So... are you worried about
CJ having a stepdad?

CJ and I are solid.

It's just... when Stephanie
and I got divorced,

everything became a competition.

She got the house,
she got primary custody of CJ.

And now she's engaged.

It's like she won
the "moving on" race.

Hey, you're moving on, too.
And you've got Randi.

I do. And I'm
pretty sure one day,

she's going to let me
call her my girlfriend.

I know I'm being stupid.

No. No, you're not.
I totally get it.

You know, when I first
left teaching,

I was still so caught up
with everything

that was going on there...

Like-like who got published,
and who got tenure,

and did Franklin ever fess up
to breaking my RBG bobblehead?

Because I know he was
the last one to see her intact.

I don't know how you got out
of that math department alive.

Right?

I'm just saying that one day
I finally realized

that I had started
a whole new chapter of my life

and I was happy.

I didn't need to keep

obsessing about everything
that was going on there

because it just had nothing
to do with me anymore.

Are you happy?

I am.

Then turn the page.
Start that new chapter.

You know what I learned
about you tonight?

You are a pretty good
line buddy.

And this wasn't a complete loss,
'cause, hey, I nailed that solo.

Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I killed it.
I know, I know,

but he really needs this.

Have a great night.

Randi, you were so right,
owning it was the way to go.

See? He respected you
for telling the truth.

No, he was furious.

I have to work Sundays
for the next month.

But I got my truck back.

Well, then my work here
is done. Isn't it?

I'm good.

I'm good.
I'm good.

Yup. My new penises are
in the oven.

Now I've got to start
on the lady parts.

But I'm a little nervous
because it's been a long time

since I've seen...
Oh, good Lord!

Thank you. Now, what about...
downstairs?

No!

We are so not there yet, Phil.

Hey!

You're gonna play me an
acoustic version of that song,

aren't you?

Buckle up, it's slow and sad.

Fine, but I'm listening
from the tub.

I was just a moment

Just a moment

I was just a moment behind

Oh, all right, kitty,

let's get you back to the café.

But before we go, can you
tell Carter you love him?

It would really help.

Come on, just one "I love you."

I'll take it.

No way! Is that Larry?

He didn't say.

Larry, my man!

It's my boss's cat.

I let him out this morning
by mistake and he's freaking.

Oh, well, I'm so glad
Larry's found his home again.

Looks like you'll be the hero.

I know, right?

Unless... I want to be the hero.

You know, I have heard
that sometimes

employees will hold back
a couple of pairs,

buy them with their discount,
then jack up the price

and sell them online.

There wouldn't happen to be
a pair of nines in the back,

would there?

Fine. I'll ring them up for you.

Ah-ah-ah.
Shoes first, then the cat.

Damn, girl, you came to play.

Hundo.

You know, it kind of helps
if I break the cookies

into pieces... then I don't
really know what I'm eating.

That's a left butt cheek.

I don't think you got my point.

That's part of a testicle.

Okay.
All right,

tell CJ I'll pick him up
in the morning.

Hey, Steph.

Congratulations,
I'm happy for you.

See you tomorrow.

Where's Darren?

Carter fired him.

Tell me, what does
this text say?

Uh, "C-H-K D-O-B."

Check date of birth.

Darren thought it meant
"chicks dance on bar."

And if you look at
his Instagram, they did.

Maybe we missed our moment

Maybe I was to blame

I didn't see that
we were already perfect

I was just a moment

Just a moment behind

Hey!

I was just a moment behind

I was just a moment

Just a moment behind.

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