Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - My Own Private Oka - full transcript

You know the guy who said,
"No man is an island"?

Same douche bag
who thought Denmark was rotting.

Fuck that guy.

And welcome to the Island of Fitz.

She wants me.

And the car.

Ka-cheeng, baby.

I'll take it.

Yes, you will.

Bring her the keys.

Yes, sir.



Only one way to make sure
people recognize who did what.

Congratulations.

And that's to do it all on your own.

Sonja, be a doll
and write up the paperwork, will you?

Mark it on the board.

Will you look at that?

Number one again.

What do you say we celebrate
with a well-moisturized hand?

Like I always said.

Men's gonna be self-sufficient.

An island.

There.

Saved you a step.

What did I tell you?



You want something done right,

you got to do it yourself.

Got you some Hindu Kush,
some purple Urkle,

and a surprisingly refreshing hybrid
of Sativa Strains.

- But if we're celebrating...
- We're celebrating.

I got you some classic
five paper Jamaican fatty.

That's what I love about you, Josh.
You do 1 thing very well.

I love you too, man.

And in honour of...

whatever we're celebrating,
I got you this.

That background check on Larry
you asked for.

I asked you for this last year.

The first red flag was
when he claimed to be your conscience.

But as you can see,
it's far, far more disturbing.

Look at that.
Former Special Ops.

Medical records show symptoms of PTSD
and Gulf War Syndrome.

But here's the kicker:
1/13th Cherokee.

I'm not 1/13th Cherokee.

- Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not.

This is you, Josh.

I'm your conscience?

Do we have time for paranoid delusions
and psychotropic...

What does that make Larry?

Listen, morons,

I'm flushed with cash, I got
my first good night's sleep in months

and I'm finally breaking ground
in the Summer Wind Lounge.

I don't need Tweedledum
and Tweedle-functional retard

getting in my way, not today.

Nothing is going to ruin today.

Talk to me.

Fucking fuck!

Once again,
the prophecy rears its ugly head.

- Anyone could have done this.
- Who else but a shadowy nemesis

would dig up a literal skeleton
in your metaphorical closet?

A dog.

A hobo.

A hobo's dog.

- What?
- Relax.

No one knows
we buried her in the first place.

Except for you, me,

Ali, Meghan, and that asshole Glenn.

Glenn.

This isn't a paid vacation.
Back to work.

What a surprise.

Officer.

What do you know about this?

Well,
this lush 2-acre parcel has great views

- and direct highway access.
- About the body.

A body on my land?

Chester Vince offered a trip to Cabo

for anyone
who gets charges against you to stick.

Might look like a corpse to you,
but to me

it looks like a ticket to paradise.

Richard...

had nothing to do with this.

Yeah, because this...

This is...

an ancient Indian burial ground.

That's right.

Sacred Cherokee land.

And therefore off limits.

This is Unit 12.

We have a situation.

Delete.

Definitely delete.

I really like my hair in this one.

And Fitzy's hair.

Delete.

This just came for you.

Mr. Fitzpatrick and I are through.

And there's nothing he can do or say
to change my mind.

I don't think it's from him.

Olaf.

Who's Olaf?

Hon.

Here.

Blow.

Olaf is obviously somebody.

My first boyfriend.

Let me guess.

Breaking up with him
was the biggest mistake of your life.

- Yes.
- Because you broke his heart.

I did.

So you could be
with Richard Fitzpatrick.

How do you know all of this?

Every woman has an Olaf:

The good man we reject
for the selfish bastard.

He's just...

complex.

Fitz doesn't care about anyone
but himself.

And now fate is offering you
another chance with your first love.

It's not every day
a man sends you a heart-shaped sausage.

I couldn't do that to him.

After all Fitz has done to you?

No, I couldn't do that to Olaf.

If Mr. Fitz snapped his fingers,

I would go back to him
in a heartbeat.

Sometimes
I just wish he would tell me to leave.

But he never will

because
he barely even knows I'm here.

That won't do.

That won't do at all.

Really, Larry?

An ancient Indian burial ground?

It's gonna take
the medical examiner about 5 min

to figure out
your Chief Sitting Bullshit.

I don't know what came over me, okay?

It must have been all of Josh's talk
about Indian heritage.

- But you know, maybe we...
- We are gonna do nothing.

You are gonna keep your trap shut
before this thing blows up in my face.

Chief Dwayne "Flying Eagle" Smith
of the Cherokee Nation.

We have business to discuss.

Kaboom, fuck-tard.

Chief... what the fuck is it?

Dwayne "Flying Eagle" Smith.

Have you never seen an Indian before?

Easy on the jungle drums here, kemosabe.
We're all friends here.

Drink?

Fire water.

What are you going to offer me next,
a smallpox-infected blanket?

The police notified
our cultural centre that...

an ancient Indian burial ground
was unearthed

on some piece of land you own.

Listen, buddy,
we both know that's not Indian land.

And we both know
that body didn't bury itself.

Are you saying I lied to the cops?

Not a white lie, of course,

a lie for people of all colours
of the rainbow.

Despite your preconceived notions
from the Village People

not all Indian chiefs are gay.

And there's nothing wrong
with the ones that are.

Our crack team of tribal anthropologists
is on the case,

and I'm sure they'll be able to prove
that that body is our ancient ancestor.

You should swing by the cultural centre
and sign over that land to us now

or who knows what they'll discover.

You snaky fucker.

It's up to you, honky.

Yeah, that's right.

I went there.

- Ancient Indian burial ground?
- I'm sorry. I panicked.

And that is an explanation,
not a lie.

- Sacred Cherokee lands?
- The pressure got to me,

and all I could think of
was Josh's Cherokee heritage.

And, as the title deed
to the land is in Josh's name...

You said you were taking me
for ice cream.

Or in Cherokee hands

if you will,

your precious burial ground
has been returned.

If your friend is actually Cherokee.

Fitzy, look.

Friendship bracelets.
Let's get a couple.

Fuck, will you focus?

What fucking language is that?

Give him his status card
so we can get out of here.

I would be happy
to welcome Josh here into our tribe.

I'll even swear him in myself.

- Tell me you're not gonna fuck this up.
- I'm not gonna fuck this...

Don't worry, I got this.

Bad boy. I shouldn't lie.

See what happens? Bad, bad boy.

Shouldn't lie.

- Larry.
- What?

I want you to be honest with me.

Do you think that I have done
the right thing by ending it with Fitz?

Does he care about anyone
besides himself?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I think that, deep down,

he must.

It's like a drug! You tell one lie
and you just can't stop.

But I promise you
I will never lie again.

- What did you lie about?
- Crap.

Okay, but listen, you have to promise
never to repeat this,

because nobody else knows
except for Richard and Ali

and Meghan and that Glenn guy.

But nobody else.

I helped Richard... bury a body.

What?!

It was Ali's mother.
But we didn't kill her.

Well, Ali and Richard did.
But it was a mistake.

Of course, Richard blames Ali.

And he's gonna lose his land
because that's where she's buried.

So he's in a bit of a mood.
Excuse me.

All he cares about
is that stupid lounge.

You know what?

Dot Foxley was right.

Mr. Fitz is a...

selfish, selfish B word.

Sonja, Richard is not a B word.
And you cannot trust that Dot Foxley.

She's a witch.

Yeah, with those voodoo dolls

and the horrible things she says,
and those bangs.

She can do anything,
including manipulate your feelings.

I always thought
that Mr. Fitz was being hard on you.

But maybe you're just a...

jerk.

No one manipulates me.

I manipulate myself.

Sign here,

here, initial there.

Status card.

Housing assistance.

And 2 complimentary cartons of smokes.

Well, that's it?
That's the big ceremony?

That's just a formality.

This is the ceremony.

You're one of us now.

Welcome, brother.

I've always wanted a brother.

Now we smoke the peace pipe.

Best brother ever!

Now, the first image you see

will be your Cherokee name.

How long does it take
to sign a fucking status card?

Meet the newest son
of the Cherokee Nation:.

Josh "Two Dogs Copulating" McTaggert.

How, motherfucker.

Fuck me.

- Two Dogs Copulating.
- Whatever.

Will you go back there and tell those
assholes it's okay to break ground?

Chief Dwayne says that we do not inherit
the land from our ancestors,

but we borrow it from our children.

Do not renege on this deal,
Indian giver.

Renege? Like the ice cream that you
promised me. That I'm still waiting for.

Fine, let's go get
some fucking ice cream.

The time for ice cream
is long since past.

You only gave me this land
because you wanted to use me.

Just as Chief Dwayne had prophesized.

Not another prophecy,
and who gives a fuck about Chief Dwayne?

I do.

And you know what?

Chief Dwayne cares about me.

Unlike some people I know.

You really want to double-cross
your best friend, Josh?

This land...

is our land.

It's not your land.

And best friend your face.

You know,
there is a lesson in all of this.

Everyone, look. Larry's got
an important lesson for all of us.

You should think...

Unless this has to do with getting
my land back, I don't want to hear it.

Don't you see?

This isn't me saying you should change.
It's destiny saying you must.

You can't go around using people
who care about you.

You never have to worry about me
using you. You're fucking useless.

It's not just me.

You use Josh for intoxication,
Sonja for sexual gratification.

You never value their feelings and guess
what? They walked away from you.

Big fucking deal. I find a new dealer
and another unhinged jaw.

And what about Ali Devon?

You couldn't admit your feelings,
so you treated her horribly

to overcompensate for the fact
that you really cared about her.

- I did that to get laid.
- And how did that end up?

With her mother's body in the ground,
witch is the reason we are in this mess.

You're right.

That's who I should be using.

I'll cut to the chase.

Someone dug up mama dearest,

and Larry thought
it'd get the cops off our backs

if we told them
it was an ancient Indian burial ground.

- She's been buried for 3 months.
- Tell it to the Cherokees.

They fudged the investigation
and put in a land claim.

- Great. Then problem solved.
- No, problem not solved.

They stole my land. I need it back.
I am this close to building my lounge.

So what do you want me
to do about it, exactly?

Take the fall?

- No way.
- Come on.

You've got Chester Vince
wrapped around your finger.

You could do whatever you want.

And why would I want
to sacrifice myself to protect you?

Because you still love me.

How narcissistic can you be?

You are a parasite, and I will not
let you suck the life out of me anymore.

It's always you, you, you.
What about me?

I will not use my relationship
with Chester to help you.

- Relationship?
- That's right.

Holy shit.

You're actually dating
that sexual anorexic?

Well, I'm not in the mood
for appetizers anymore.

Meeting's over, Fitz.

- So did Fitz send you?
- No.

No. I mean, he drove me, but I...

I come of my own accord.

Because, your friendship
is too important to just throw away.

Then why is he in the car?

It's my lie that caused this rift.

So please, you have to forgive him.

He is afraid of real emotion...

other than rage and orgasm.

So please, help me, help you...

to help him.

I have a new way of life now.

I catch dreams now.

Dreams.

But didn't your people intend
to share their land?

Of course.

It is the Cherokee way.

That's why I've agreed
to sign it over to Chief Dwayne.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Guys, I know tensions are high right now
but there's a simple solution.

I believe an apology is in order.

You're right.
Where's my apology, asshole?

You apologize to Josh.

All right. You know what?

You're right. I did. I used you.

But I'm not the only one.

Why do you think Chief Dwayne had
such a hard-on for this piece of land?

Can't you see the signs?

It's a trick.

My brothers would never build
on sacred ground.

It's not the Cherokee way.

I hate to break it to you,
but that body was no ancient stiff.

Your brother suppressed a police
investigation and used you as a pawn...

in order to build an Indian casino
on my land.

That's the Chief Dwayne way.

I don't believe you.

Well, then, you know what?

Fuck you, Josh.

- Fuck you, Fitz.
- No, sir.

Fuck you, Larry!

These are my orgy cuffs.

Give me the key or they're gonna find
two more bodies on this piece of land.

- What do you mean?
- Give me the key!

I will not be scared
by your veiled threats.

I've had enough of the fighting
and the deceit.

Then we are not going anywhere...

until we resolve
this emotional standoff.

Chester!

I have been looking everywhere for you.
What are you doing here?

I'm so sick of him,
Richard Fitzpatrick.

I wish he was dead!

Join the club.

I really wish he was dead.
Do you know what I did today?

- I went out and bought a gun.
- Oh, God, Chester.

That is a water pistol.

Filled with pee.

You haven't thought this through.

No, ma'am.

Chester, I wasn't sure
if I should tell you this or not,

but now seeing you here with a water
pistol full of your own urine...

No, it's not mine.

I need to tell you something.

How bad could it be? It's not
like you two hid a body together.

Mom wanted an organic funeral.

They are good for the plant,
but how could you do that with him?

Who else was I going to call?
You?

And that's the point.

At the time, I thought that I needed him
but I see now how wrong I was.

I chose you.

Then testify against him.

It was my idea.
It was my mistake.

And if I confess to this,
he is out of our lives for good.

I'm going to turn myself in.

- Then I promise I won't prosecute...
- Thank you!

To the full extent of the law.

Holy shit. They're here.

Construction's starting already?

No, Two Dogs Fucking.
It's the toxic waste guys I called.

It's Two Dogs Copulating.

Toxic waste, Richard?

Those fuckers
are trying to steal my dream.

If I can't have it, no one can.
Give me the key.

I will not unlock these cuffs
until you admit your feelings to Josh.

- Fine. You want to know how I feel?
- Yes.

- I feel used.
- You?

Yes, me.
All the years I put up with you.

The cars you never fixed,
the pot you never buy enough of,

the tax-free cigarettes
you don't cut me in on.

And what about you? Insulting me,
stealing my pot, lying to me.

Fine, There might have been a few
exaggerations and miscommunications.

But I have never, ever lied to you.
Not like that Chief what's-his-nuts.

- Chief Dwayne.
- Whatever.

You and I are like...
We're like nature.

We're like parasites.

You leech off my awesome
and I leech off your...

Richard, hurry.

Weed.

So we're connected.

- Like brothers.
- I wouldn't go that far.

Would you give him the thing?

We're like brothers.

Truck. Go, go.

Those fuckers won't be able
to build on here for decades.

What are you doing here?

Against every instinct I have
to sit back and watch you suffer,

I decided to give you what you want.

I told Chester that the body
was my mother's and that I acted alone.

I knew it. You still want me.

Close.

The Cherokee's expropriation order
has been thrown out.

The land is all yours again.

Fuck me.

I need a drink.

Wait me up, bro. See you later.

You were right...

about Mr. Fitz.

I don't know why
I can't just accept it.

He only cares about himself.

Anyway, thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Larry, he is not help.

He's just so Larry.

Can you believe
that he thinks you're a witch?

He's got this whole crazy theory.

I think that he's just intimidated
by women.

I felt that.

And I don't see anything wrong
with your bangs.

Thank you.

Well, if compassion is witchcraft,

then keep it coming, sister.

Duly noted.

Good night, then.

What?

This is Larry.
I'm sorry I missed your call.

So sorry. Please leave a message
after the tone, please.

Larry, it's Sonja.

I really need to get a hold of you
because you were right about Dot.

She is a witch.

Darn it.

Larry, it's Sonja.

You really need to pick up the phone.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann