Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - F*cking Memories - full transcript

Everything in life has a trump card.

Even fate.

Keep telling yourself the world
is your oyster and eventually...

shit falls in line.

You know who depends on luck?

Losers. Chumps.

Schmucks.

Larry.

Just remember,

attitude is like a muscle:

The more you work it,



the stronger it gets.

Don't worry, kids.

Uncle Fitzy saw her and trust me,

this story will have a happy ending.

Why?

Because I've got attitude
like a motherfucker.

And that's what the world sees:

Richard Fitzpatrick,
king of the fucking hill.

Hey.

Hey yourself.

We could do this whole dance,
but why bother?

We can both
read the writing on the wall.

I sure can.

It says you love the cock.



Too bad.

Don't worry.

It is not to scale.

Any calls? Messages?

I just got in.

Was that a ring?

If anyone calls,
I'll put them right through.

Who said I want to talk to anybody?

- Fitzpatrick Motors.
- This line working?

Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Yes, sir, the lines are working.

Hold, please.
Fitzpatrick Motors.

How about this one?

Yes, sir, all the lines are working.

Move.

I said move.

What do you want,
a written invitation?

"Kenneth Gerald Fitzpatrick..."

"cordially invites you..."

"to get the fuck out of my way."

Move!

Don't ask, don't tell, man.
I mean, it drives me nuts.

Why can't people just be
who they are, man? Fuck!

- Do I look like a meat pole dancer?
- You live with a dude, dude.

My sharing a joint with Larry
is a financial arrangement.

- Someone's got to pay the rent.
- Come on. It's Josh.

- No heterosexuals in the foxhole.
- Go foxhole yourself, fucker.

I did.

Kirthar Range.

I was eliminating opium lords
for certain "interested" parties.

And my only companion was my spotter
and the Grim Reaper.

You get to know a man
under those conditions,

you start caring in ways
you thought impossible.

You learn how to repurpose the oil
from tin meat

into a remarkably effective lube.

If anybody could use this information,
you could.

For the last time,
I am not a penis paratrooper.

I got you a dream catcher,
incense, holy water and garlic,

which I know
is very effective against vampires.

Each item is selected to combat
the evil forces that defaced our mural.

And I got you this just for fun.

I love you just the way you are.

Remember that.

Fuck your dream catcher,
fuck your garlic and fuck you.

What I need to do is get my rep
back on track, and pronto.

The Summer Wind Lounge and Hotel
depends on it.

You're absolutely right.

This isn't just about certain death
on the beaver moon,

it's about salvaging your dream.

And as your conscience,
it is my duty to support...

facilitate that.

I believe in you, Richard,
and I believe in your dream lounge.

Jesus, Larry.

Man up, will you? Fuck.

Who does my father think he is?

Replacing me
with some new office manager.

I was doing a good job, wasn't I?

Aside from having an affair
and moving in with the competition.

Your point?

You know,
your father has been acting odd lately.

Josh, tell her what you told me.

If you bore a hole into a watermelon
and microwave it for 30 seconds...

No, the other thing.

About Ken?

- He flipped on me the other day.
- Can we stay on topic here?

We were talking about me.

- And the fact that he hired someone...
- I got something to say.

Goddamn it.

Anyone still think I love the cock?

What is that about?

About the fact
that Fitzy's back on track.

- When is the last time you slept?
- That's on my to-do list.

Right after you.

Mr. Fitz.

- Office or broom closet.
- Whenever you want.

Excuse me? Excuse me? Yes, hi.

I was the one who was talking here
before I was so rudely interrupted.

What I was trying to say
was that my...

- Good morning!
- Motherfucker!

For those of you
I haven't had the chance to meet yet.

Hi, I'm Dot Foxley,
your new office manager.

Call me Fitz.

And I need your help.

Help me help you make Fitzpatrick Motors
a better place to work.

What would make you happy?

Tacky tourist dress-up day?

Longer lunch hours?

I don't know.

So tell me.

- Petting zoo.
- Employee health benefits.

Maybe.

Put them in the box.

Well, Miss Foxley, I'm Larry.

I actually tried a suggestion box once,
and we all remember how that ended.

Right, you guys?

- Are you the new office manager?
- No, but you know...

So...

I'd love to stick around
for your little welcome party,

but I'm a busy man
and something's come up.

- Sounds big.
- It's huge.

- It is.
- It requires her immediate attention.

My eyes are up here.

But your breasts are down there.

- And mine are right here.
- Those they are.

You know what the...
You know what the suggestion box is?

The suggestion box is a smoke screen.

That way, you don't waste
her precious time with your ideas

like petting zoos
and health care plans.

I say destroy the box.

Those are some interesting points.

Guess where you could put them.

In the box.

Gold star.

What?

Hello?

Who the fuck is this?

I don't want to talk to you.

How the fuck should I know
when your car is gonna be ready?

I got a survey question for you.

On a scale of 1 to 10,

how fast can you go fuck yourself!

Fucking people.

- Is this because of that graffiti?
- What?

You don't have
to prove anything to me.

It's not the graffiti.

Was it that thing that you were
talking about the other night?

That prophecy thingy.

This is the only thingy
I'm worried about.

Then I hope no one's watching.

What?

Watching? Watching?

I'm a genius.

Do I wanna know?

Nothing says "invest in my dream lounge"
like a leaked sex tape.

I release one of these suckers
and Fitzy is back on top of a woman.

Of this woman?

Of course.

None of those are of us, you know?

Of course not.

I would never do that to you.

You're my Ava Gardner.

In the past that kind of statement
would have made me swoon.

Then it would have made me
question my own self-worth.

Baby,

what we have is special.

I know
that we have something special.

- I want everybody else to know it too.
- We don't need labels.

You know you're my number-one gal.

I just want everybody else to know
that we're in a committed relationship.

Now look,
you have been through a lot recently.

And, well,
your problems are my problems.

And when you're in pain
I comfort you.

And vice versa.

Fine.

You can tell people we're an item.

Nothing says manly
like a chambermaid orgy.

We're an item.

Item.

Ladies.

Come on. Come on in.

What?

A compromising
and filthy video of moi

on the Internet.

Those motel chambermaids.

So erotic, so merciless.

Now look,

if I take a look at your sex video,
will you leave the customers alone?

I just can't believe that...

I thought you were into dudes.

That's a lot of suggestions.

My box wasn't nearly that successful.

It's amazing what happens
when people know you'll keep your word.

Maybe we can go
and get a coffee sometime.

You know, and get to know each other,
where you're from,

and your hopes and your dreams.

I have a dream.

In it,

you're lying on a table
with your arms and legs tied down.

And I'm carving a pentagram
into your chest with a dull knife.

And you're crying and screaming,

but there's no mercy for you.

Because, Larry,
nobody cares about you.

They're all sick and tired
of your snivelling.

You're so pathetic,
even the devil doesn't want you.

You wanted to see me?

Be a dear and give us a moment.

What does this say?

It says...

It says "Below me".

Actually, it says "Blow me".

And I've got news for you.

If you want a good job,
you're going to have to do a good job.

So...

until you finish repairing
that radiator...

Don't you have work to do?

What?

And if that doll
wasn't creepy enough.

She said some of the most
disturbing things I have ever heard.

It was like I was enduring a community
theatre performance of The Exorcist.

You know what? I get the impression
she doesn't like me.

I don't know,
call it a sixth sense or something.

Everybody likes me. Except you.

You won't admit it,
deep down I know you do.

- Sure.
- You're not listening?

I'm trying to warn you.
You stay away from that Dot Foxley.

There's something about her
I just don't like.

It's called a vagina, Larry.

It's for you.

Don't you have something
you could fluff?

Yes, I do.

Fuck.

Richard, tell me what is on that DVD.

I told you to wait in the car.

You're clearly upset, and no wonder.

Death prophecies, a new employee
who's out to compromise your conscience.

Not one more step.

I'm going in there with you.

There is no secret, no perversion,

no endeavour to lascivious
to turn me against you. Jesus!

- Fitz.
- Dave.

I am now fully prepared
for whatever is behind that door.

Fine.

Not one word.

Good baby.

While I'm delighted you elected
to work out your mother issues,

why didn't you come to me?

You want to be my mommy?
Of course you do, you pervert.

No, why didn't you
come to me to talk?

There's nothing to talk about.
I get spanked and then I get spanked.

Throw in a bottle of single malt with
a rubber nipple, you got a night out.

Inside voices.

You want to explain this?

Look what you did.
You've upset your brother.

Fuck.

Ricky, you're early.

And I see you brought a play date.

- Me? No, no.
- That's extra.

I'm not here for my play date.
I want some answers.

- Take him, will you?
- Me?

Take him!

Hello, baby.

It's an envelope.

That contained a DVD
of our last session.

Why are you trying to blackmail me?

- You think this was me?
- Yeah.

That would violate the sanctity
of the mother/child bondage.

Stand up straight, dear.

Delinquents slouch.

Richard. Whoever made that video
could have shot it through that window.

It's been jimmied.

- Someone broke in?
- Is anything missing?

- My hairbrush. It's gone.
- You keep your own hairbrush here?

Babies should never share
grooming products.

Jesus, ass hat,
that's how you get cooties.

Language.

A hairbrush
with your hair all over it?

Something a certain employee
could have used to make a voodoo doll.

Someone made a poopy.

I'll be in the car.

I'm looking, I'm looking.

At the voodoo dolls?

No, none of them are me.

One of them is me.

Hi, Dot.

Here's the list that you wanted.

Thanks, Sonja.

The mail finally came.

- This one's for you.
- Thanks.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.
My mommy video.

Sonja! Get the others.

Sonja, baby.

I was thinking about the conversation
we had yesterday.

About how I'm more
than just some Ava Gardner arm candy?

Maybe.

I need to be...

your only.

I need to be the one
that you go to for...

private things,

emotional things.

Like your nightmares
or that prophecy.

Why won't you tell me
what that is about?

You're damn right.

I should.

And...

I will.

Because...

that's what girlfriends are for.

Girlfriend?

You're the one for me, baby.

- Fitzy!
- Fuck.

Now get out of here.
Daddy's got work to do.

And you know,
whoever's sending these DVDs

is also responsible
for the vandalism of our mural.

You think?

And is most likely the person
that's out to get you.

Ali Devon I could understand,
but Dot?

She's a stranger.
And she's totally into me.

What about her horrible voodoo dolls?

They're dolls. The fact that one of them
looks like you is a coincidence.

I don't believe in coincidences.

Everything happens for a reason.
Cause and effect.

Like you keep talking
so I sack you in the nuts?

Exactly.

You think my evidence is circumstantial,
fair enough,

but there's still something
about that woman I just don't like.

Again, it's called a vagina.

Or the fact that she's threatening
to tie me to a table and torture me.

She said that?

God, we have so much in common.
No wonder she's all over me.

What's the harm
in going over to her place

and taking a look around?

Solve this problem once and for all.
And if it's Dot who wants you dead...

Wait a minute. Are you talking
about breaking and entering?

You only have 62 days
until the beaver moon.

And sometimes we have to compromise
our values for the greater good.

Let's go!

This I got to see.

Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yes. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hurry up!

We'd be done if you hadn't insisted
on stopping for gloves and face masks.

This is my first break-in.
I'm nervous and I want to look nice.

- Whatever, just give me a boost.
- All right, let's do this. You got it?

I'll go down. Here we go.

Nice. Nice.

All right, Richard, let's do this.

- Give me your hand.
- No, I got it.

I'm good, Richard.
Oh, God. Hold on.

Fuck.

I'll check the drawers.

No dolls, how about you?

I'll tell you what I haven't found.

No hairbrush, no pentagrams,

no master copy of my mommy tapes.

Dot Foxley isn't my shadowy figure.

She isn't a witch.

And she's not stalking me.
Why not, I'll never know.

But it has to be her.

You don't know the venom on her lips.

And she stole my idea.

Wait, is this whole thing
because you're jealous

about your stupid suggestion box?

You know about my suggestion box?

Of course,
you wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

You do listen to me, don't you.

You do.

Once again, your plan
is a waste of time. I'm out of here.

- Come on in, Josh.
- Hardwood!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Welcome to the dealer...

Dealership.

How did you get in here and what...

are you doing with my panties?

Panty raid.
It's a dealership tradition.

- Is it?
- Shut the fuck up.

So are we still gonna...

Him? Really?

- Fuck.
- Hello, police?

Witch.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Hello? Hello?

Yes, this is Ken Fitzpatrick.
Who the fuck is this?

How did the test go?

No, fuck protocol, fuck procedure.
Tell me now.

I'll come in tomorrow.

This better fucking cheer me up.

I owe you an apology.

That my ego got in the way
of being your conscience.

- And that won't happen again.
- That's just fucking great.

Don't worry, Richard.

You'll find the person
who's out to ruin you,

no matter how long it takes.

This is fine. This is fine.

Mr. Fitz and I are in an open
and understanding relationship now.

I know he has certain
excessive needs,

and I may not always be able
to accommodate his...

excessive needs.

You had a bad dream.

Tell Mommy all about it.

Look like your boyfriend's
is a big baby.

He's not my boyfriend.

This is some sick shit.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann